Will & Grace
Episode #9.03
Original Airdate 10/12/17
Written by Nina Pedrad
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Harry Connick Jr. (Dr. Leo Markus)
Laura Kightlinger (Nurse Sheila)
Chris Redd (Alvin)
Ramone Hamilton (Jordan)
Jordan Julian (Tasha)
[WILL is sitting at the table eating a bowl of ice cream when KAREN enters. With a flourish, she spreads out her arms to introduce JACK.]
KAREN: Introducing the new spokesperson for Wag and Bone Dog Food, Mr. Jack Mc... [KAREN FREEZES FOR A MOMENT] Line?
JACK: You know my last name, Karen.
KAREN: Honey, I did ayahuasca with Shaman last night. I don't know if it's raining or Tuesday.
WILL: You really booked a commercial?
JACK: Technically, I probably booked it. They unofficially told the gal who's basically my agent that it's between me and approximately three other guys, so... it's in the bag.
WILL: Congrats, Jack. Now, will you be playing the dog or the human?
JACK: See, guys, this is why I do it. All the years of people saying, "You're too good for that job. You should be leading a bigger life."
WILL: "Sir, this is a library. Put your pants back on."
JACK: Karen's taking me out to celebrate.
WILL: I thought you had a temp job today.
JACK: [SIGHS] Oh, that's right. I forgot. I picked up a day as a rehearsal pianist. [TO HEAVEN] God, why did you make me a triple threat?
KAREN: Honey, call in sick. Easy-peasy. Check it out. [KAREN DIALS HER PHONE AND LEAVES A MESSAGE USING A HOARSE VOICE] Grace, I can't make it in today. [WEAKLY COUGHS TWICE] I sprained my ankle. [SHE HANGS UP.]
WILL: You know that Grace is still here?
KAREN: Jesus, does that woman ever work? Hasta la homos.
[KAREN EXITS THE APARTMENT. JACK SITS DOWN AND TAKES WILL'S BOWL AWAY AND BEGINS TO EAT FROM IT.]
JACK: I don't wanna work today. It's so expected. You're my lawyer. Get me out of this.
WILL: In the case of McFarland v. Reality, the Supreme Court ruled, "grow up." Adults go to work.
JACK: Why aren't you at work?
WILL: [EXCITEDLY] Oh, I scored a ticket to the Princess Diana gown exhibit at the Met before it opens to the public. I am freaking out!
[GRACE WALKS IN FROM HER BEDROOM, DECKED OUT IN A FANCY RED DRESS.]
JACK: Oh... You look shmancy. If I was straight, I'd stare at you like a creep and tell you to smile more.
GRACE: I am going to the gynecologist.
[WILL AND JACK BOTH CRINGE.]
GRACE: What's with the faces? You both came out of vaginas.
JACK: [RAISING A FINGER] I didn't. [PROUDLY] I am a Platinum Star Gay.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Gay-splain, please?
WILL: A Gold Star Gay has never been with a woman. Platinum haven't been with a woman, and they were born via C-section.
JACK: Hence they've never touched a vagine.
WILL: It's all in his book, "Men Are From Mars; Who Cares Where Women Came From?"
[GRACE IS LYING IN A BED. SHE SLOWLY WAKES. NURSE SHEILA IS AT THE FOOT OF HER BED WITH A CLIPBOARD.]
GRACE: Where am I? What's going on? You. I know you. You work here?
SHEILA: I'm Sheila, your nurse. I used to work at the sperm bank, where you tried to have a gay baby... or the donor was gay. I don't know, it was super gay.
GRACE: What happened to me?
SHEILA: The doctor found some weird cells, and so he did a biopsy on your left breast.
[GRACE CLUTCHES HER RIGHT BREAST.]
GRACE: [GASPS] Wait, left... [MOVES HER HAND TO THE OTHER ONE AND GASPS AGAIN] Oh, that's the big one. So, are you telling me I have...
SHEILA: Cancer. I mean, you might have cancer. There's a very, very, very slim chance that you have it.
GRACE: You're supposed to lead with that. I'm... I'm taking this really well. Why am I taking this really well?
SHEILA: Because you're coming out of a very heavy sedation. We called your emergency contact. He's waiting outside.
GRACE: Oh, good, I need Will.
[SHEILA OPENS THE DOOR. GRACE'S EX-HUSBAND, LEO MARKUS, WALKS IN.]
LEO: Hey, Grace.
GRACE: Leo?
[JACK walks into the club's office. He finds ALVIN sitting behind a desk, eating a churro.]
JACK: Hi, I'm Jack, the rehearsal pianist from Temporary Players. I'm looking for Alvin.
ALVIN: I'm Alvin. Churro? [ALVIN HOLDS OUT A PLATE OF CHURROS FOR JACK.]
JACK: [TAPPING HIS FINGER UNDER HIS CHIN] Uh, one, two, three, four, five... I'm sorry, I can't do it. Thank you though. Um, so where does the magic happen?
ALVIN: Oh, we had to cancel the magic program, 'cause the money disappeared.
JACK: No, the theatrical magic, where thespians work onstage, and "lespians" build the sets.
ALVIN: If you talking about the theater, it's right there. [ALVIN POINTS TO THE NEXT ROOM]
JACK: I'm sorry, um, but in the words of my dear friend Amanda Bynes, where am I?
ALVIN: This is the Bronx Boys and Girls Club. You're teaching an afterschool drama class. Starts at 3:00.
JACK: Alvin, was it? Alvin with an A?
ALVIN: Yep. Mm-hm.
JACK: Alvin as in, [IMITATING "DAVE SEVILLE"] "Alvin!"
ALVIN: Don't do that.
JACK: Alvin...
ALVIN: Mm-hm.
JACK: I used to teach, now I do. In fact, I'm an almost working actor again. You probably don't recognize me from the regional dog food commercial I'm about to get, but I certainly can't consider teaching kids in an afterschool drama program, but I think what you do here is great. You know, it's great, great.
ALVIN: Oh, yeah, it's best. You know, the Bronx silver service credo: Come for the free Internet, stay for the Obamacare... For now.
JACK: I don't get that. I'll see you later.
[JACK'S CELL PHONE DINGS. HE LOOKS AT THE SCREEN.]
JACK: Pickles! Pickles to heck!
ALVIN: I'm not familiar with that expression, but I'm guessing you didn't get that commercial.
JACK: When you guess, you make an ass of you and me.
ALVIN: Well, you wanna teach, Pickles? 'Cause it sounds like you're not gonna do.
GRACE: [TO SHEILA] How heavy was that sedation? Because I feel like my ex-husband is standing right there.
LEO: I think I'm still listed as your emergency contact.
GRACE: How could that be? I told Karen to... Oh, that's how.
SHEILA: I'm sensing some tension here. Who cheated?
GRACE: He did.
SHEILA: Wow, seriously? That was just a shot in the dark.
LEO: It's a little bit more complicated than that.
SHEILA: Is it?
[JACK is standing in the middle of eight pre-teen boys and girls, sitting in a circle of chairs, including a boy named JORDAN. A girl, TASHA, sits to the side on the bleachers by herself.]
JACK: Acting is rejection, rejection, rejection. Hope? No, rejection. So if any one of you can picture yourselves doing anything, anything other than acting, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave right now. [POINTING TO JORDAN] You, what do you wanna do?
JORDAN: I wanna be a fireman.
JACK: [BENDING DOWN AND SMILING] Oh, really? [SHRIEKING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR] Get out! Not... not out, out. You're a kid, that's crazy. Just go to the bleachers.
[JORDAN GETS UP AND SITS ON THE BLEACHERS A STEP DOWN FROM TASHA.]
JACK: If I seem intense, it's for one reason and one reason only, 'kay? I don't wanna be here, and I'm really sad.
JORDAN: That's two things.
JACK: [SCREAMING] Jordan, get out! I can't bear to look at ya!
[JORDAN GETS UP TO LEAVE, BUT JACK STOPS HIM.]
JACK: Not out, out. You're a kid, that's crazy. Just go to the office. Just go to the office. Look, if you have any hope of making it in this business, you have to give me your undivided attention, okay? Fully commit here and now. You can't let anything distract you from... oh, my God, Karen's here. What are you doing here?
[KAREN WALKS INTO THE ROOM.]
KAREN: Well, I thought about going into work, but Grace is at the lady doctor, and if there's anything I don't wanna deal with, it's Grace and her angry inch.
[KAREN SITS ON THE TOP ROW OF BLEACHERS, ONE ROW UP FROM TASHA.]
KAREN: Honey, I'll just wait for you to finish, and maybe we'll find a nasty roof party and do a little beep-boop. [SMACKING TASHA ON THE SHOULDER] I didn't wanna say Molly in front of the kids.
[GRACE and LEO ride the elevator up to the ninth floor.]
GRACE: Look, thank you for bringing me home. Obviously, I'm going to change my emergency contact.
LEO: That's all right. It ain't nothin'.
GRACE: I forgot you did that.
LEO: What?
GRACE: When you wanna defuse tension, you... Turn up the Cajun spices. [IN AN EXAGGERATED MOCK CAJUN ACCENT] "Why, I'm just a handsome po' boy from N'Awwwlins. I'm just eating my bowl of zydeco."
LEO: So, a po' boy is a sandwich, and zydeco is a form of music, and I am from Baton Rouge, which is a completely different accent, which I lost years ago.
GRACE: [IN AN EXAGGERATED MOCK CAJUN ACCENT] I say, I say, yes, you did.
LEO: I'm not Foghorn Leghorn. But I'm gonna give you a pass, 'cause I know that you're worried about your test results.
GRACE: I'm not worried. Everything's gonna be fine.
[GRACE AND LEO GET OFF THE ELEVATOR.]
LEO: You know, it's okay if you tell me, Grace.
GRACE: Seriously, I'm not worried about it. I'm fine. You can go now, Leo. One of the good things about being single is you learn how to get through a crisis alone.
[GRACE OPENS THE APARTMENT DOOR. WILL IS SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM LOOKING AT HIS LAPTOP COMPUTER SCREEN.]
WILL: Hey.
GRACE: [IMMEDIATELY SOBBING] I almost died today!
WILL: What? What are you talking about?
GRACE: [CRYING] I had an emergency biopsy of my boob.
WILL: The big one?
GRACE: Yeah! I'm gonna get the results later today.
WILL: Grace, that must've been so...
GRACE: Terrifying.
WILL: Did it...
GRACE: They knocked me out.
WILL: Because you're a big...
GRACE: A big baby.
WILL: Yeah, yeah. Come on, sit. 'Kay, sit down. How do you feel?
GRACE: Not good! I might have cancer. [GASPS DRAMATICALLY] I smell toast.
WILL: Wh... I made toast. [WILL HOLDS UP A PLATE OF TOAST.]
GRACE: Wait, you're eating bread? It's not a cheat day. What's wrong?
WILL: No, I don't wanna make this about me. You... you're dealing with something real.
GRACE: Have you been crying?
WILL: No... [SIGHS] I went to the Princess Diana exhibit, which was amazing... [HIS VOICE CRACKS] But I bought remastered DVDs of the wedding and the funeral, and I watched them back to back, and now I'm eating my feelings.
GRACE: How could you do that to yourself?
WILL: [BREAKING] She really was like a candle in the wind.
[THE APARTMENT DOOR IS STILL OPEN AND LEO IS STANDING THERE.]
LEO: Speaking of just hanging out in the wind, I'm here.
WILL: Leo?
LEO: How you doing, Will?
WILL: What are you doing he... Oh, please, God, tell me you're not back together, unless you are, in which case... [WEAKLY] Yay.
GRACE: He's still my emergency contact.
WILL: What? I thought you told Karen to... oh, yeah, that makes sense.
LEO: You know, you should've probably been her emergency contact, even when we were married. Good luck with the test results, Grace. Will, it was... it was good seeing you.
[LEO WAVES AND CLOSES THE DOOR, LEAVING WILL AND GRACE ALONE.]
GRACE: What did he mean by that?
WILL: I think he just meant it was nice to see me, and he understood that my feelings about...
GRACE: No, the thing before that.
[GRACE GETS UP AND EXITS THE APARTMENT WHERE LEO IS WAITING FOR THE ELEVATOR.]
GRACE: What did you mean by Will being my, uh, emergency contact when we were married?
LEO: Grace, it doesn't matter.
GRACE: No, just say it.
LEO: You never shared anything with me. You always ran to Will. Wasn't that the problem with our marriage? You could never be in a relationship with me, because you're always gonna have this weird thing with Will.
[LEO TAPS THE ELEVATOR CALL BUTTON.]
GRACE: Oh, so that's it? I don't get a last word?
LEO: No, you get the last word by bringing up who gets the last word.
[LEO TAPS THE CALL BUTTON AGAIN.]
GRACE: Well, how about we're done talking and no one gets the last word?
LEO: Fine.
GRACE: You did it again! You know what, I want the last word, so you get on that elevator, and you stand there silently, until the door closes in your face.
LEO: You know, this is—
GRACE: Ay... oh... oh... ooh... [POINTING TO HERSELF] Last word.
[LEO GETS ON THE ELEVATOR. JUST BEFORE THE DOOR CLOSES:]
LEO: Bye, Grace.
GRACE: Ah!
[KAREN is waiting for JACK to finish up. TASHA turns to KAREN.]
TASHA: Why is your friend at the lady doctor?
KAREN: Why does anyone go to any doctor? Fear and pills. But you mind your own business.
TASHA: Do you know how I could find a doctor like that?
KAREN: Ask your mother.
TASHA: I live with my dad and brothers.
KAREN: Oh, boo hoo, I didn't ask for your life story.
TASHA: You're mean.
KAREN: You have no idea. [AFTER A MOMENT] Why do you need to go to the doctor anyway?
TASHA: Mind your own business.
KAREN: [IMPRESSED] Hm... Brava. [QUIETER] But seriously, you can tell me. I got a working relationship with every doctor on Park Avenue. Come on, what's going on? What's the deal?
[TASHA SHIFTS AWAY FROM KAREN, TRYING TO IGNORE HER.]
KAREN: Oh. Fine. You're gonna be like that? All right. If you're not gonna tell me what's wrong with you, then we are done. There is nothing left to say, period.
[TASHA GLANCES AT KAREN AND BEGINS TO FIDGET.]
KAREN: [REALIZING] Ah-ho.
[JORDAN is standing in the middle of the circle of chairs while JACK plays the intro to "Ben" by Michael Jackson on the piano. JORDAN misses his cue and JACK starts over. When JORDAN still doesn't start after three tries, JACK stops and walks over to him.]
JACK: Okay, Jordan, listen... This isn't "The Miracle Worker," okay? You need to make actual noises with your mouth.
JORDAN: I don't think I can do it.
JACK: What you're having right now is what we in the trade call "performance anxiety," and what my friend Will calls "date night."
[JACK LAUGHS AND LOOKS AROUND, BUT GETS NO REACTION.]
JACK: Nothing? No, nothing. This guy gets it.
[ONE OF THE BOYS SMILES AND NODS.]
JACK: Mm, okay. Look, everybody gets scared, but you can't stop trying. When you're an actor, you gotta believe in yourself, even when you don't.
[JACK SITS DOWN AT THE PIANO. BEFORE HE CAN START PLAYING, JORDAN BEGINS TO SING.]
JORDAN: [SINGING] ♫ Ben, the two of us need look no more ♫
[JACK STOPS AND JUST WATCHES JORDAN.]
JORDAN: [SINGING] ♫ We both found what we were looking for ♫
JORDAN: [SINGING] ♫ With a friend to call my own, I'll never be alone ♫
JORDAN: [SINGING] ♫ And you my friend will see, you've got a friend in me ♫
JACK: I just got the chills. I am an incredible teacher!
[GRACE is sitting at the table eating ice cream straight from the tub. WILL enters with a grocery bag.]
WILL: Okay, I found the perfect activity to distract us while we wait for the test results. We are going to build a gingerbread house. Don't know why. Just called to me.
[WILL PULLS A CHRISTMAS GINGERBREAD HOUSE KIT FROM THE BAG.]
WILL: What are... what are you eating? What... what are you eating?
GRACE: Strawberry ice cream, but I'm using chicken satay as the spoon.
[GRACE MOTION TOWARDS THE CHICKEN ON A SKEWER AS SHE SCOOPS ICE CREAM WITH IT.]
WILL: Oh. It must be bad news, Grace. We're gonna get through this together. I'll shave my head. Do you need me to shave my head?
[WILL TAKES GRACE'S HANDS AND DROPS TO HIS KNEES.]
GRACE: No, no, the test was negative. I don't have cancer.
WILL: Oh, thank, God, I have a weird skull. [SIGHS] Hey, but this is great news! Come on, this is great. Whoo!
[WILL PULLS GRACE UP INTO A HUG. SHE HANGS THERE LIMPLY.]
WILL: Why am I whooing alone?
GRACE: Is Leo right? Did our relationship ruin my marriage?
WILL: Yeah, you got a little strawberry...
GRACE: Was I supposed to go to him instead of you?
WILL: Just... just... stop, stop.
GRACE: Are we weirdly close?
WILL: Stop, stop... stop talking for a second.
[WILL PICKS A STRAWBERRY SEED FROM GRACE'S TEETH.]
WILL: There.
[HE HOLDS UP HIS FINGER. GRACE LOOKS AT IT, THEN LEANS IN AND SLURPS IT INTO HER MOUTH.]
WILL: I believe you were asking if we are weirdly close.
GRACE: Yeah, are we?
WILL: Yes! But here, you know what this is like?
GRACE: Oh, is this gonna have something to do with Princess Di?
WILL: I think we both know the answer to that. Remember how we both hated Camilla Parker Bowles?
GRACE: We were young. We rushed to judgment.
WILL: Exactly. Everyone thought she was the villain, because she broke up this storybook romance.
GRACE: Well, do not forget the hats.
WILL: I wish I could. But all she really did was... was help Charles realize the storybook wasn't true.
GRACE: Wait, who's Princess Diana in this situation? Leo?
WILL: Sadly, yes. And I'm Camilla. Here, sit down. The point is, no happy marriage ends in divorce.
GRACE: Ah...
WILL: I mean, I was there. You tried everything you could. Months of therapy. Grace, you tried golf.
GRACE: "Is the ball in the hole?" [AS LEO] "No." [NORMALLY] "How 'bout now?" [AS LEO] "No." [NORMALLY] "Is it lunchtime?" [AS LEO] "No."
WILL: You only came to me when you already knew it was over, just like I came to you when things with Vince were over.
GRACE: You're right.
[WILL GIVES GRACE A PECK ON THE CHEEK.]
WILL: So, you let Leo think what he wants.
GRACE: You're right.
WILL: What matters is you know the truth.
GRACE: Exactly.
WILL: You don't have to explain anything to him.
GRACE: Hell no.
WILL: You're gonna go explain things to him, aren't you?
GRACE: Uh, Princess Jambalaya's not getting the last word.
[GRACE GRABS HER BAG AND EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
[KAREN is outside the girl's bathroom holding onto a backpack. TASHA exits with a sigh.]
KAREN: All right, we good? Everything go okay?
TASHA: Yeah.
KAREN: You do everything I told you to do?
TASHA: Yeah.
KAREN: Good stuff. Have a nice life.
[KAREN GIVES TASHA HER BACKPACK, AND TURNS TO EXIT. TASHA SIGHS AND SITS DOWN ON A BENCH.]
KAREN: [SIGHS] Honey, you have somebody you can talk to about these things, right? Like a husband or a lover?
TASHA: What? No.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Why does it always have to be me? Honey... I know what just happened was a big deal. It isn't fun, but this day never is. For me, it was the summer of fift... sixt... seventy... nine. I was sitting on my front porch, listening to my transist... my Walkma... my iPod Shuffle. And then it happened. Well, I just wanted to run into my room and hide, but my mom's idiot boyfriend screamed to the whole neighborhood, "Hey! Lois's kid just became a woman." And then my mom celebrated by opening her bottle of good scotch and giving everybody in the neighborhood a drink. Everyone except the anxious 12-year-old who needed it the most. Look, Tasha, the point is, I survived, and so will you.
TASHA: You're not really mean, are you?
KAREN: [DEEPLY OFFENDED] How dare you! Get over here!
[TASHA STANDS AND KAREN GETS IN HER FACE. WITH A SMILE, KAREN TAPS TASHA ON THE NOSE.]
KAREN: [SOFTLY] Mind your own business.
[GRACE is standing in front of LEO, who is sitting behind his desk.]
LEO: What are you doing here, Grace?
GRACE: You and I did not get divorced because Will and I are too co-dependent or whatever.
[GRACE SWINGS HER ARMS, KNOCKING INTO THE ANATOMY MODEL ON LEO'S DESK, SENDING THE MODEL AND INTERNAL ORGANS EVERYWHERE.]
GRACE: Oh, crap.
LEO: I see you're still unaware of your wingspan.
[LEO BENDS DOWN AND HELPS GRACE PICK UP THE MODEL AND ITS PIECES.]
GRACE: Well, at least you're not blaming me and Will.
LEO: Well, technically, you came here to talk about Will, so...
GRACE: You know what, can I just please finish?
LEO: I'd let you, but you're putting his gall bladder where his liver goes. One drink, and he will explode.
GRACE: Stop being charming. You are wrong about our marriage. It did not end because of Will and me.
LEO: You're absolutely right.
GRACE: I am? I mean, I know I am, but... I am?
LEO: Grace, it ended because of you.
GRACE: Me? Me?! You were the one who joined Doctors Without Borders, met a blonde, and it became Doctors Without Pants!
LEO: You see, you bring this up every time.
GRACE: Well, it was a big deal!
LEO: Well, that was our first marriage, Grace. The second time, I was in it, okay? I tried. But... but you never let me back in. I couldn't complain, because I was "the cheater." I... I didn't have a leg to stand on.
GRACE: You're right.
LEO: I am? I-I mean, I-I know I am, but I am?
GRACE: I tried so hard, Leo, but I just couldn't forgive you. I know you tried.
LEO: I did. I took up golf for you.
GRACE: I took up golf for you.
LEO: I hate golf. [AS GRACE] "Can I get back on the cart now?" [NORMALLY] "No." [AS GRACE] "How 'bout now?" [NORMALLY] "No." [AS GRACE] "Are we the only Jews?" [NORMALLY] "Yes."
GRACE: Now I'm sad. We could've not played golf together.
LEO: I guess we just got our signals crossed.
GRACE: Yes, we did. Okay... I guess, um, I'm gonna go.
LEO: 'Kay.
GRACE: Oh, uh, one more thing, I... I don't have cancer.
LEO: I know. I ta... I talked to Will. Hey, Grace... you took my heart.
GRACE: You took my heart too, Leo... But I believe that we both are gonna find love again, with the person we're supposed to be with.
LEO: No, I mean, you took my heart... From the model. Yeah, you, uh... You put it in your purse. I mean, I-I'm sure it was an accident, but, you know, they... they kill you on the replacement parts.
GRACE: You so set me up.
[GRACE AND LEO HUG, THEN SHARE A KISS.]
GRACE: We always had that, didn't we?
LEO: We certainly did.
GRACE: And that ain't nothing.
LEO: Sure ain't. See you around, Adler.
GRACE: Bye, Leo.
[GRACE EXITS LEO'S OFFICE. JUST BEFORE THE DOOR SHUTS...]
GRACE: Last word.