Episode #8.23
Original Airdate 5/18/2006
Written by David Kohan & Max Mutchnick
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Harry Connick Jr. (Dr. Leo Markus)
Bobby Cannavale (Vince D'Angelo)
Leslie Jordan (Beverley Leslie)
Jere Burns (Man in Cast)
Maria Thayer (Lila)
Jesse Fremont Allis (Warren)
Ben Newmark (Ben)
Jono Kohan (Maitre d')
Kevin Bacon (Himself)
[PREVIOUSLY ON WILL & GRACE...]
WILL: Okay. Answer me this. If you're in Rome raising this baby with Leo, where am I?
GRACE: I don't know.
WILL: Well, you're gonna have to make a decision.
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE... WILL IS OLDER. HE'S PUT ON SOME WEIGHT AND HIS BUTTON-DOWN SHIRT IS A LITTLE TOO TIGHT. HE'S WEARING GLASS ON A CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK. GRACE'S SON, WARREN, IS A TEENAGER.]
WILL: Grace!
GRACE: What?
WILL: Get out here, Warren's been suspended.
GRACE: Suspended again?
[GRACE ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM. HER HAIR IS STILL RED, BUT HER ROOTS ARE GRAY. SHE'S WEARING A RED TRACK SUIT, WHICH SHOW OFF HER LARGE HIPS AND BUTT.]
GRACE: What did he do this time?
WILL: He wrote on the wall of the boys' bathroom, "Hey fellas, for a good time, call Will Truman."
[GRACE LAUGHS.]
GRACE: And what, you're pissed off 'cause no one's called yet?
WILL: You think that's funny? You think it's funny that he disrespects his father like that?
WARREN: [DEFIANTLY TO WILL] You're not my real dad.
WILL: [TO WARREN] Hey, I gave up the love of my life to be your father.
GRACE: [TO WARREN] And I gave up the love of my life so he could be your father.
WARREN: Thanks, no wonder I'm so happy.
[GRACE SMACKS THE BACK OF WARREN'S HEAD.]
[WILL SMACKS THE BACK OF GRACE'S HEAD. SHE SMACKS THE BACK OF WILL'S HEAD AND HIS TOUPEE FLIES OFF, EXPOSING THE TOP OF HIS BALD HEAD.]
WILL: Great, we're having guests over for game night any second, and I don't have time to reglue.
WARREN: All right, I'm outta here. I'm going over to Sandoval's.
WILL: Oh, no, you're not.
GRACE: You're not going anywhere.
[WARREN WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND GRABS HIS COAT OFF THE COAT RACK.]
WILL: Put down that coat.
GRACE: Put down that hat.
WILL: Do not open that door.
[WARREN OPENS THE DOOR.]
GRACE: Do not walk out that door!
WILL: Do not close that door!
[WARREN LOOKS BACK AND EXITS, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.]
GRACE: Are we too hard on him?
WILL: [RE: GRACE'S OUTFIT] You're not really gonna wear that, are you?
GRACE: Why, what's the problem with it? All the kids are wearing it.
WILL: Yeah, and from what I can see, a bunch of them are in there with you.
GRACE: Have another drink.
WILL: Have another doughnut.
GRACE: Fag!
WILL: Hag!
GRACE: Screw you.
WILL: You wish.
GRACE: You couldn't.
WILL: Not because I'm gay... because you're hideous.
[SOMEONE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.]
GRACE: What do you want, time hasn't been nice to any of us.
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR. KAREN LOOKS FABULOUS -- SHE HASN'T AGED A BIT.]
KAREN: Hey, kiddles. [TO GRACE] Hi, honey. You-- [LOOKING AT GRACE'S OUTFIT] Oh, I have got to remember to buy Kool-Aid.
GRACE: Karen, how do you look so fantastic?
KAREN: Oh, honey, come on. This is just Noxzema and the love of a good man.
WILL: Where is your husband?
KAREN: Right behind me.
[ROSARIO ENTERS. SHE'S WEARING A LEATHER JACKET AND SUNGLASSES. SHE HAS A MULLET WITH GREY STREAKS ON THE SIDE.]
ROSARIO: Sorry we're late.
KAREN: [TO ROSARIO] Honey, you still have a little bit of my lipstick on your mouth.
ROSARIO: Do you wanna get it off?
KAREN: Yeah. I wanna get it off. I wanna get it off right now.
WILL: Who else could use a drink?
GRACE: Come on, bring the game over here. We're gonna have a situation between Vampira and the Bride of Frankendyke.
[JACK ENTERS. HE'S WEARING A BRIDE'S VEIL AND IS VERY TANNED. HE'S HUMMING "THE WEDDING MARCH."]
JACK: Dum-dum-da-dum, Step together step. [DANCING] Kick ball change, pas de bourré. And I'm married.
[JACK LIFTS HIS VEIL AND HOLDS UP HIS HAND TO SHOW OFF HIS WEDDING BAND.]
WILL: Where did you get married, on the sun?
JACK: That's funny, do you hear screaming? Oh, no, that's just the buttons on your shirt. Anyway, ready to meet my husband?
KAREN: Yay!
JACK: Baby, get your cup-sized tushy in here!
[KEVIN BACON ENTERS.]
KEVIN BACON: Hey, what's up?
WILL: You married Kevin Bacon?
JACK: Stalked him all the way to the altar.
WILL: So, Kevin, how does it feel?
KEVIN BACON: You know, something is right, you just know it. I-I've never had so much clarity in my life. To love somebody, truly and forever, until God takes us. Either from old age or erotic asphyxiation. 'Cause you're hanging upside down, you got heels on--
[JACK PRANCES OVER TO KEVIN, SHUSHING HIM.]
JACK: Honey, honey...
KEVIN BACON: and a scarf's tied around your neck-- What... Oh, yeah, sorry. Sorry, sorry.
KAREN: Oh...aren't we all lucky to have found the one we truly belong with. The one who doesn't make us feel compromised or unhappy or... like we're wasting away... choking on misery and regret.
WILL: Yeah, yeah, we get it, you're happy, we're not. Let's play the damn game. Grace, let's go. Bacon, keep score.
KEVIN BACON: No, I'm gonna have to skip this round 'cause I had my Kyra Forever tattoo lasered off, and I think it's starting to bleed.
[KEVIN BACON GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.]
WILL: C'mon, c'mon, go, go.
[GRACE PICKS UP A CLUE.]
GRACE: A shirt, a bed, your tummy and chin last summer.
WILL: Things that are tucked.
GRACE: Right.
[GRACE PICKS UP A NEW CLUE.]
GRACE: Uh, nuts, ice...
WILL: More.
GRACE: Uh, our souls, our hopes and dreams.
WILL: Things that are crushed.
GRACE: Yes.
WILL: Go on.
GRACE: I can't go on.
WILL: I can't go on either. Grace, being with you has ruined my life.
GRACE: What did you just say?
WILL: Being with you... [GRACE'S VOICE COMES OUT OF WILL'S MOUTH] has ruined my life.
[CUT TO GRACE ON THE COUCH ASLEEP. WILL IS GENTLY SHAKING HER.]
WILL: Grace, wake up.
GRACE: What did you say? I don't understand what you're saying. What?
WILL: Grace, wake up.
[GRACE OPENS HER EYES AND IS STARTLED BY WILL.]
WILL: It's okay, it's okay. You were just having a bad dream.
GRACE: I was?
WILL: I mean, you-- you kept saying bacon and huge ass. It's scary to finally make that connection, isn't it? What was it about?
GRACE: I don't remember. Who cares, it's just a dream.
WILL: Right.
[GRACE GRABS WILL'S HAIR AND PULLS.]
WILL: Ow!
GRACE: Oh, good, it's still there.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS SORTING CLOTHES INTO A LAUNDRY BASKET. GRACE IS IN THE KITCHEN EATING CHICKEN OFF THE BONE.]
WILL: The relationship you have with the chicken is truly remarkable. I can't wait for the day someone inhales my leg and thigh like that.
GRACE: I don't know what to tell you, man. Jews and chicken... it's real and it's deep.
WILL: Hey, you know, I've been thinking about those bad dreams you've been having.
GRACE: I told you, I don't remember them.
WILL: I think it's just stress about having a baby, you know?
GRACE: Mm-hmm.
WILL: You're okay, right? I mean, about everything we talked about last week?
GRACE: What? Oh, yeah. Oh-- It's better I stayed. I'm glad we're doing this together. Okay, just go do the laundry 'cause I've been wearing your Calvin Klein boxers for the last three days.
WILL: They're briefs.
GRACE: Not anymore.
WILL: I'll be back in a minute.
[GRACE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE. SHE LOOKS DOWN AT HER BELLY.]
GRACE: Would you like to hear a song?
WILL: Yeah, Grace, could you do me a favor? Could you not sing to the baby anymore?
GRACE: Why? Music makes them smarter.
WILL: [SIGHS] Okay, well if you're gonna sing, have a glass of wine 'cause he--he's gonna want to be drunk for this.
GRACE: [TO HER BELLY] You like my singing, right? [OFF-KEY OPERATIC SINGING] I believe the children are our future-- Ow! Guess what? Kicking turns up the volume. [SINGING] Teach them well and let--
[SOMEONE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.]
GRACE: I am not getting up again! Put the laundry down and open it yourself.
[LEO MARKUS ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]
LEO: Hello, Grace.
GRACE: Leo.
LEO: Oh, you-- You're with a chicken, I'll go.
GRACE: No! Wai-- No! What are you doing here? I thought you were in Rome.
LEO: I was in Rome, but I came back because there was something I needed to say.
GRACE: There's something I need to say to you too.
LEO: Grace, let me--let me just get this out first. Um, I was having lunch in the piazza the other day, and--and I look up from my soppressata panini-- that's Italian for bologna sandwich-- and, um, I see this really old couple holding hands and kissing. And, I mean, they were-- they were really going at it, you know, like in a way that you really don't ever want to see anybody kiss. And, um... it--it-- it was just gross. And, uh, all I could think of was, um...was you. That--that is so not what I wanted that to sound like, um-- Grace, you told me to move on, and--and I tried. I tried, but I can't. And, um... I guess, um... I guess what I'm trying to say is, um, I want that old couple to be us, you know? I-I want to be gross with you.
GRACE: [TEARING UP] I can be gross. People tell me I'm gross all the time.
LEO: Grace, I--I love you. I want to be with you forever. I want to marry you again. I want to have babies.
[GRACE LAUGHS.]
LEO: I, um-- I'm getting ahead of myself, I know.
GRACE: Not really.
[GRACE STANDS UP AND LEO NOTICES THAT SHE'S PREGNANT.]
LEO: Oh, my God... It-- Is...is?
[GRACE NODS.]
LEO: Oh, my God.
[LEO AND GRACE HUG AND KISS.]
TWO YEARS LATER...
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS FEEDING A BABY BOY IN A HIGH CHAIR. HE POPS A CHEERIO IN HIS MOUTH AND SNORTS. HE LAUGHS AND THE BABY SMILES.]
WILL: You know, Ben, today is my birthday. Can you say, "My daddy is 25"? No? Okay. If you think I look 25, eat a Cheerio.
[WILL PUTS A CHEERIO TO BEN'S MOUTH AND BEN TURNS HIS HEAD AWAY. WILL SIGHS AND EATS THE CHEERIO.]
[VINCE ENTERS THE APARTMENT CARRYING A WRAPPED GIFT.]
VINCE: Hey. Happy Birthday.
WILL: I think I know what that is. I've been hinting at it all week. It's crocodile loafers from Gucci!
VINCE: Damn it.
[VINCE TURNS AROUND.]
WILL: Oh, no, oh, no, Vince, wait. Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll love it.
VINCE: Of course it's loafers. What do you think, I'm an idiot? We wear the same size. [TO BEN] Hi, who's my big boy?
[VINCE KISSES BEN ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD, THEN KISSES WILL.]
VINCE: He's looking more like you every day.
WILL: Really? I don't know. Sometimes I see me, and sometimes I just see the sad girl who sold her eggs for rent money.
[WILL PICKS UP BEN.]
WILL: Anybody else call to say happy birthday while I was out with the baby?
VINCE: Grace didn't call, Will. She didn't call last year. She's not calling this year. You wanna talk to her, you gotta make the first move.
WILL: Why should I? She--she's the one who--
VINCE: All right, listen, what's the one thing you always said about you and Grace?
WILL: I don't know. That we could reenact Grease in 17 minutes?
VINCE: What are you talking about? There's no way you could do Sandy's transformation from good girl to slut that quick. Look, you always said fate brought you together, fate was gonna keep you together.
SCENE VI: Leo and Grace's Apartment in Brooklyn
[GRACE IS FEEDING A BABY GIRL IN A HIGH CHAIR. THERE ARE CHEERIOS ALL OVER THE TABLE.]
GRACE: Ready, one ... two... three...
[GRACE LEANS DOWN AND SCOOPS UP A CHEERIO WITH HER TONGUE AND GIGGLES. SHE KISSES LILA ON THE CHEEK.]
[LEO COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.]
GRACE: Okay, Daddy, don't get mad--
[BABY LILA BENDS DOWN AND GETS A CHEERIO WITH HER TONGUE.]
GRACE: There you go! Ho, ho, ho... [TO LEO] Don't get mad, but, uh, somebody spilt--
[LILA LEANS IN AND GETS ANOTHER CHEERIO. GRACE DOES THE SAME.]
GRACE: Thank you. [CONTINUING TO LEO] ...some baby oil inside your briefcase.
LEO: Well, how could I be mad at somebody I love so much, huh?
[LEO KISSES LILA ON THE HEAD.]
GRACE: Good, 'cause it was me.
[LEO KISSES GRACE.]
LEO: And you blame it on Lila? I'm starting to think she's not the midnight farter. You know, maybe we should go upstairs and change the sheets 'cause somebody peed in our bed last night. Or did she?
GRACE: Yes, and I already changed them. [TO LILA] Ready to go to the zoo? Let's go!
LEO: Isn't there a phone call you should make first, Grace?
GRACE: Leo, are you going to do this every year?
LEO: Give him a call, it's his birthday. Come on, he's your best friend.
GRACE: No. No, no, he's not my best friend. My best friend would've returned my calls when I left 100 messages begging for forgiveness. My best friend would've put aside his anger and showed up for the birth of my daughter. That's what my best friend would've done. So, let's put it all aside, and let's go to the zoo.
[GRACE AND LEO PUT ON THEIR COATS. GRACE PICKS UP LILA.]
[LEO PULLS SOMETHING OUT OF HIS POCKET.]
LEO: Hey, who put the half-eaten chicken leg in my pocket?
GRACE: Give your daughter a break. It's deep and it's real.
[LEO, GRACE, AND LILA EXIT THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE V: Karen Walker's Penthouse, Karen's Bathroom
[KAREN IS SITTING IN A BUBBLE BATH TALKING ON A CELL PHONE.]
KAREN: Hey, Jackie.
[CUT TO JACK SITTING IN A BUBBLE BATH, TALKING ON A CELL PHONE.]
JACK: Hey, Kare. What's the story, drunken whorey?
KAREN: Well, we need to do something to get Will and Grace back together. Honey, it's been almost two years.
JACK: But why does it always fall on us to help those two?
KAREN: I know, poodle. You know, sometimes it seems like our sole purpose in life is just to serve Will and Grace.
JACK: Right. It's like all people see when they look at us are the supporting players on the Will and Grace show. So, how to get Will and Grace in the same room...
KAREN: Jackie, wait a minute. I just had an even better idea!
JACK: What?
KAREN: Well, honey, I can't tell you over the phone.
JACK: Oh, of course.
[JACK AND KAREN HANG UP THEIR PHONES -- THEY'RE IN THE SAME BATHTUB.]
SCENE VI: A Hospital
[A MAN IN A FULL BODY CAST IS LYING ON THE BED. A SOFT KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND WILL OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS THE ROOM.]
WILL: Jack? Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry.
[WILL SITS DOWN NEXT TO WILL.]
WILL: Look, I want you to know I am there for you because I-I love you, buddy, and--and God knows I owe you so much. I mean, you were the one that helped me come out. You know, so anything I can do--
MAN: Back off, fruitcake.
WILL: Sorry, I thought you were my friend.
MAN: Well, I'm not, pickle biter. Leviticus 20:13 says if a man lies with another man as he does with a woman, he's an abomination--
WILL: All right, shut up! It's obviously been a mistake. I don't know why they sent me in here.
[GRACE SUDDENLY ENTERS THE ROOM.]
GRACE: Karen.
WILL: Grace.
GRACE: Will.
WILL: If you're looking for Jack, that's not him.
GRACE: Jack? I thought it was Karen. Jack told me that she was--
WILL: No, no, Karen told me that Jack was-- Wow. [SIGHS] We just fell for the dumbest version of Parent Trap ever.
GRACE: God, I, um... I don't know what to say. Um-- Happy birthday?
[WILL SMILES.]
WILL: Thank you. I don't suppose you have... time for a piece of cafeteria cake?
GRACE: Sure, I could do that.
MAN: Remember, the Lord said that blood will be upon all the homosexuals, and they will surely feel the--
[WILL WALKS OVER TO THE MAN AND KISSES HIM ON THE LIPS.]
MAN: Call me?
SCENE VII: A Restaurant
[JACK AND KAREN ARE ENJOYING DINNER.]
KAREN: Honey, you know what I love about our plan to pay off a nurse to direct Will and Grace to the hospital room of a total stranger in a full-body cast whose face is covered in bandages, each one of them thinking it's one of us in that bed with our bones broken?
JACK: What?
KAREN: The simplicity.
JACK: We have so much to celebrate, Kare. Will and Grace are making up as we speak, you got a huge divorce settlement. Hey! Let's get a dessert!
[KAREN GASPS IN EXCITEMENT.]
JACK: Nothing too filling... something small and fruity with ladyfingers.
[BEVERLEY LESLIE SAUNTERS UP.]
BEVERLEY: Well, well, well. Karen Walker, in the flesh. Whose flesh is unclear.
KAREN: Why, Beverley Leslie. What are you doing later tonight, honey? I'm having a few friends over for a game of Monopoly and I'm missing one of the pieces.
MAITRE D': Excuse me, Mrs. Walker. There's a question about your credit card. Can I speak to you privately for a moment?
KAREN: My credit card? Oh... [LAUGHING] That's probably just Marlo Thomas getting me back for the time that I made Driver poop in her kitty litter box. Excuse me a moment. Yeah.
[KAREN FOLLOWS THE MAITRE D'.]
[JACK SITS IN AWKWARD SILENCE AS BEVERLEY LESLIE STANDS NEXT TO HIM.]
JACK: Nice seeing you again. I'm sure you have places to go. A magic ring to protect.
BEVERLEY: You may or may not know this, but my business associate Benji and I have come to a parting of the ways.
JACK: And I thought you two would last forever. You were definitely the most stable in-the-closet, short-tall, black-white, young-old, disgusting-hot couple I know.
BEVERLEY: The point is, I'm looking for a new... business associate.
[BEVERLEY RUNS HIS HAND ALONG JACK'S SHOULDER. JACK SWATS IT AWAY.]
BEVERLEY: Maybe you might be interested.
JACK: Uh, no, thanks.
[A WAITER PUSHES A DESERT CART PAST THE TABLE.]
JACK: And I think your car is here.
BEVERLEY: You think about it, and remember... I've got millions.
[BEVERLEY SAUNTERS AWAY.]
[KAREN RETURNS TO THE TABLE.]
JACK: Come on, Karen, let's go.
[KAREN SITS DOWN.]
KAREN: It's over, Jackie. It's all gone.
JACK: What is? What are you talking about?
KAREN: I just got off the phone with my accountant. Turns out, everything Stan had was borrowed. So, my divorce settlement is worthless. Honey, I'm broke.
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS GETTING A CAKE FROM THE KITCHEN. KAREN, JACK, AND GRACE ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA. GRACE IS FLIPPING THROUGH A PHOTO ALBUM.]
GRACE: Oh, Will, Ben is so adorable. I can't wait to meet him.
JACK: He's clearly Will's child. Fat, bald, and clinging to Vince like it's the only man who'll ever love him.
[JACK AND KAREN LAUGH.]
GRACE: Oh, he is a little pudge ball. Ugh, Lila was so skinny her whole first year.
WILL: What'd you feed her?
GRACE: The boob.
WILL: Portion control. Smart.
[GRACE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY.]
KAREN: Would you look at us? Will's mean, Grace is flat-chested... Jackie's pretending like he's following this.
[JACK IS STARING OFF INTO SPACE.]
KAREN: And I'm high from something I found under the sink in your bathroom. Ah... The gang is back.
GRACE: It's like nothing changed.
JACK: Well, not everything's the same. Karen here has lost her--
KAREN: Virginity. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
KAREN: [QUIETLY TO JACK] Jackie, I don't want to talk about my money problems tonight.
GRACE: You know who Lila looked exactly like when she was born? My mother... right after she gets out of the sauna. I can't believe you haven't met her.
WILL: I would have loved to, but, you know, you kinda went to live in Rome for a year, so--
GRACE: Will, you know that I wanted you to be a part of Lila's life. You could have come at any time.
WILL: Oh, right. I'm just supposed to drop everything and fly to Rome to meet your baby?
GRACE: Well, you did drop everything to fly to London to see Billy Elliot.
WILL: Billy Elliot lived up to its promise.
GRACE: And we're back. God. God forbid that you should let go of your anger.
WILL: Hey, I had reason to be angry.
GRACE: You never gave me a chance to explain--
WILL: Nothing you would have said--
GRACE: Well, then, what's the point?
WILL: Hey, I gave up everything for you!
GRACE: I know! Look. I had the chance to be with the love of my life and I took it. And I am-- I am glad I did. I mean, just think what would have happened if I hadn't. We would still be in this apartment. You would end up bald with some horrible toupee. I'd have a giant ass packed into a red track suit. Karen would be frenching Rosie. And Jack would be married to Kevin Bacon.
WILL: That is oddly specific.
GRACE: I am so sorry I hurt you, Will. But I'd be lying if I said I regret what happened. And I don't think you do, either. If you could go back and change things, I don't believe that you would.
WILL: God, you're right. Grace, I don't want to fight with you anymore.
GRACE: I don't, either. I just want us to be us again.
WILL: I do, too.
[WILL AND GRACE HUG.]
KAREN: [TO JACK] Do you find them exhausting?
JACK: I always have. Ooh! Hey, I have a funny story to lighten the mood. [QUIETLY TO KAREN] It's totally unrelated to your situation. I wish there was something I could do to help you with your money problems. [TO EVERYONE] Anyway, guess who offered to share their entire fortune with me? Beverley Leslie.
WILL: You and Beverley Leslie... I think we've actually found someone you're too butch for.
[WILL AND GRACE LAUGH.]
JACK: Anyway, isn't that funny, Kare? Beverley wants me so bad he's willing to give me all his money. I can't...
[KAREN GLARES AT JACK.]
JACK: What?
KAREN: I think it's time for us to go. Jack has told his hilarious story and you're out of vodka.
WILL: There's a bottle right there.
[KAREN PICKS UP THE HALF-FULL BOTTLE AND TILTS IT BACK. SHE DOWNS IT ALL IN ONE DRINK.]
KAREN: Nope, empty.
[KAREN PUTS THE BOTTLE DOWN.]
KAREN: Jackie, let's go!
[JACK FOLLOWS KAREN OUT THE DOOR.]
GRACE: Do you find them exhausting?
WILL: Always have.
[IN THE HALLWAY... JACK AND KAREN GET INTO THE ELEVATOR.]
JACK: Isn't that funny that Beverley would proposition me like that? I mean, why on earth would I ever take him up on it, no matter how much money he offered me?
[KAREN KICKS THE STOP BUTTON.]
JACK: Karen, you accidentally hit the stop button with your shoe.
[KAREN GRABS JACK'S ARM AND TWISTS IT BEHIND HIS BACK AND PUSHES HIM INTO THE WALL.]
JACK: Ugh! And you accidentally smashed my face into the wall.
KAREN: Now you listen to me, you sissified little hippity-hop! I've got nothing and that miniature pony offered you all his money just to take a few rides on him and you said no?
JACK: But I don't like him.
KAREN: Since when is that a problem?
JACK: Well played.
KAREN: Ah!
JACK: I can't do it.
KAREN: Oh, you'll do it. You'll do it the same way any other self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus, and think of handbags.
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
[GRACE IS IN THE KITCHEN WASHING AND DRYING THE DISHES. WILL EXITS FROM THE BATHROOM.]
WILL: Oh, my God.
GRACE: What? I didn't even go in there.
WILL: You're washing dishes. And you're using a sponge instead of your tongue. I-- I don't think I've ever seen you do that before.
GRACE: Well, I guess when you're a mom, you learn to do things like that. You're probably just gonna rewash them when I leave anyway.
WILL: No, I won't. The kitchen's kinda Vince's domain now.
GRACE: Really?
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: I'm impressed.
WILL: Yeah, me too.
GRACE: I think we've grown.
WILL: I think we have. So, did you like the risotto?
GRACE: Did I tell you we're having-- Oh, I'm sorry--
WILL: I thought you were allergic--
GRACE: Oh-- Oh, you--
WILL: You would-- Oh.
[WILL AND GRACE CHUCKLE.]
WILL: We're a little rusty.
GRACE: Yeah. Well, you know, it's been a couple...
WILL: Yeah. You know what this... Let's go to a movie. How about tomorrow night?
GRACE: Oh, oh! Uh, Thursday's are bad 'cause Leo's on call. How about Friday?
WILL: Yes. No-- No, we, um-- We bought a little cabin in the Berkshires. And we drive up every Friday afternoon.
GRACE: Wow.
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: Okay, um, how about, uh, Memorial Day?
WILL: Mmm, no. We're in Flushing with my in-laws.
GRACE: Um... Okay. Um, you know what? We'll just call each other. We'll figure it out.
WILL: Of course we will. Okay.
GRACE: I'm not worried.
WILL: Me, neither. Well, yeah, we should...
GRACE: Okay.
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR.]
WILL: Gracie, it was so good to see you.
GRACE: It was. Really, just...it was.
[GRACE LOOKS AROUND THE APARTMENT.]
GRACE: Wow.
WILL: What, you don't-- You don't like the changes that we made?
GRACE: No, no, it's not that. It's just... I just don't live here anymore. Bye, Will.
WILL: Bye, Grace.
[GRACE LEAVES.]
SCENE X: Beverley Leslie's Penthouse
[BEVERLEY LESLIE IS SITTING ON JACK'S LAP.]
BEVERLEY: Oh, this is so much fun! I love when we play Baby Beverley.
JACK: Yeah...
[JACK PUSHES BEVERLEY TO THE GROUND.]
JACK: Oops, baby go boom.
BEVERLEY: Now you stop being such a tease. It is time for us to consummate this union. I'm going to go put in a "Magnum P.I." rerun... to get in the mood. But before I leave, how about a kiss?
JACK: All right, close your eyes.
[BEVERLEY CLOSES HIS EYES AND PUCKERS HIS LIPS.]
[JACK WETS HIS FINGERS AND PUTS THEM TO BEVERLEY'S LIPS AND MAKES KISSING SOUNDS.]
BEVERLEY: Yummy.
[JACK FORCES A LAUGH AS BEVERLEY RUNS OFF TO THE BEDROOM.]
[JACK PULLS OUT A SPRAY DISINFECTANT AND SPRAYS HIS FINGERS. KAREN AND ROSARIO ENTER.]
KAREN: Hey, honey. What's up?
JACK: Oh, nothing. I'm not desperately trying to get hobbit germs off my kissing hand, if that's what you're thinking. So what brings you by? You need a little more cash?
KAREN: Maybe. But first, could you settle a bet for me? Nosy Rosie over here said that... you may not be happy in your current situation with Beverley.
JACK: Oh, I'm so glad you brought that up.
KAREN: Good, honey. Now tell her that you're just really happy that you can take care of me the same way that I took care of you for all those years.
ROSARIO: He does look happy. He has the same smile on his face that I had when you fit me with that electric shock collar.
KAREN: Go wait in the car.
[ROSARIO TURNS AROUND AND EXITS.]
KAREN: Well, Jackie... Is it true? Are you unhappy?
JACK: Well, I don't know, Karen. I mean, can you be happy sharing a bed with a man who douses himself in lavender and insists on being your eye pillow? Or makes you wear a prairie skirt whenever he wants to play General Store and Sundries? Or won't let you open the terrace doors to let you scream because he's afraid a gust of wind will blow him off the balcony?
KAREN: Sounds good to me, honey. Yeah, great. So listen-- Could I get my weekly allowance from you? I know you gave me $100,000 this morning, but it goes quick at the $99,000 store.
BEVERLEY: [YELLING FROM THE OTHER ROOM] I'm horny!
KAREN: I can't let you do it, Jackie.
JACK: [SIGHS] Oh, it's okay. Like you said, if you could do it with Stan, I can deal with Beverley. It's exactly the same situation if you turn your binoculars around.
KAREN: No, it's not the same, Jackie. I loved Stanley. Honey, I can't ask you to do this with somebody that you don't love.
JACK: Thank you, Karen. But what am I going to tell Beverley after he just made me the sole beneficiary of his vast fortune? I know--I'll leave him a note on his booster seat.
[JACK AND KAREN EXIT.]
[BEVERLEY ENTERS THE ROOM.]
BEVERLEY: Jack? Are you hiding? You naughty boy. You're not out there on the balcony, are you? You know I'm frightened to go out there. Well maybe it's not that windy.
[BEVERLEY OPENS THE BALCONY DOORS. A STRONG BREEZE IS BLOWING.]
BEVERLEY: Whoo! It's a little blustery. [THE WIND PICKS BEVERLEY UP AND CARRIES HIM AWAY INTO THE SKY] Well, well-- Weeeellllll!
SCENE XI: Will and Vince's Apartment
[WILL AND VINCE ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA. BABY BEN IS SITTING BETWEEN THEM WITH A PACIFIER IN HIS MOUTH. VINCE FLIPS THROUGH A PEOPLE MAGAZINE AS WILL ABSENT-MINDEDLY PUSHES A TOY DUMP TRUCK AROUND FOR BEN.]
VINCE: Oh, look at this. Teri Hatcher buys her own produce. That's normal. Well, look at this. Nicole Richie sleeps in a wire basket. That's not normal. [TO WILL, WHO'S STARING OFF INTO SPACE] Hey, where are you?
WILL: Oh, um... I was just thinking about what you said the other day. About Grace and I always saying we were destined to meet. It's weird, you know. We always felt like there was something bigger going on. Fate brought us together and fate was gonna keep us together.
[CUT TO GRACE AND LEO'S APARTMENT. GRACE AND LEO ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA WITH LILA, TALKING.]
GRACE: I even remember back in college Will saying, "It's destiny." And I totally agreed.
[GRACE COVERS LILA'S EARS.]
GRACE: Of course, I was trying to get laid.
[GRACE CHUCKLES.]
LEO: Aren't you supposed to cover my ears when you say something like that?
GRACE: We're just, you know-- We just... just really clicked.
[CUT BACK TO WILL AND VINCE.]
WILL: And we knew it the minute we met that first day at orientation.
[CUT BACK TO GRACE AND LEO]
GRACE: Our rooms were right across the hall from each other. And I swear, we were never apart.
[CUT BACK TO WILL AND VINCE.]
WILL: But now... I think it's over.
[CUT BACK TO GRACE AND LEO]
GRACE: It just feels like a closed chapter.
[CUT BACK TO WILL AND VINCE.]
WILL: It's strange that I would even think that way. You know? Destiny? There's no destiny. People come into your life randomly. And they leave randomly. You can't force it. That's just how things happen.
[CUT BACK TO GRACE AND LEO]
GRACE: Destiny is just something for young people to believe in.
LEO: [TO LILA] Is that true, Lila?
[CUT BACK TO WILL AND VINCE.]
VINCE: [TO BEN] You believe in destiny, Ben?
SCENE XII: A College Dormitory
[A TEENAGE BOY AND A RED-HAIRED GIRL ARE MOVING INTO THEIR DORM ROOMS. THEIR ROOMS ARE ACROSS THE HALL FROM EACH OTHER.]
BOY: Hi.
GIRL: Hi.
BOY: This is a Tempur-Pedic pillow. I have a neck thing.
GIRL: This is a...box of bras. I have... boobs. They're not much, but they're mine.
BOY: Well... Bye.
GIRL: Bye.
[THEY BOTH GO INTO THEIR ROOMS, BUT THEN OPEN THE DOOR AND LOOK BACK OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
GIRL: I was just, um--
BOY: I know what you were doing and it's a little embarrassing for ya?
GIRL: Why is it embarrassing for me?
BOY: 'Cause I caught you poking your head out to get another look at me.
GIRL: I wasn't trying to get another look at you.
BOY: Oh. 'Cause that's what I was doing.
GIRL: Yeah, I was too.
BOY: Hi.
GIRL: Hi.
BOY: I'm Ben.
GIRL: I'm Lila.
[BEN AND LILA SHAKE HANDS.]
BEN: You wanna get a cup of coffee or something?
LILA: Oh, well, my mom's gonna be back any second with some stuff for my room.
BEN: Yeah, so is my dad. We leave now, we can miss 'em.
LILA: Let's go.
[BEN AND LILA SHUT THEIR DOORS AND RUN OFF DOWN THE HALL.]
[WILL WALKS UP TO BEN'S DOOR CARRYING TWO LARGE BOXES. HE TRIES TO OPEN THE DOOR.]
WILL: Come on, Ben. Hurry up. This is heavy.
[WILL KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.]
[GRACE WALKS UP TO LILA'S DOOR CARRYING A LARGE BOX.]
GRACE: Lila? Open the door. It's your mother.
WILL: Is that you?
GRACE: Is that you?
WILL: I think so.
GRACE: Don't turn around.
WILL: Why not?
GRACE: Do you have your hair?
WILL: I do, thank God. Have you had anything lifted?
GRACE: I haven't.
WILL: Why not?
GRACE: I knew you were gonna say that.
WILL: Count of three. One...two...three.
[WILL AND GRACE PUT DOWN THEIR BOXES AND TURN AROUND AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER.]
GRACE: You look good.
WILL: Thank you. You don't look anything like your mother.
GRACE: Oh, thank you. [SIGHS] This is so weird. Our kids going to the same school.
WILL: And across the hall, like--
GRACE: I--I know.
WILL: Wanna go get a piece of cafeteria cake?
GRACE: Oh, uh, Lila's expecting me any minute.
WILL: Yeah, so is Ben. If we go now, we can miss 'em.
GRACE: Let's go.
[WILL AND GRACE HOLD EACH OTHER'S HAND AND WALK DOWN THE HALL.]
SCENE XIII: Karen's Penthouse, The Library
[KAREN IS SITTING DOWN READING A MAGAZINE. JACK PICKS UP A MAGAZINE AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER.]
JACK: You look good. Did you get a little touch-up today?
KAREN: Mm-hmm.
JACK: Did they tighten around your--
KAREN: Oh, yeah.
JACK: And did they smooth out your--
KAREN: Mmm. Went in through the ear.
[A LOUD BELCH IS HEARD FROM ANOTHER ROOM.]
KAREN: Oh, she's up. [CHUCKLES] I'll go get her.
[KAREN GETS UP AND WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
JACK: [SHOUTING] She might wanna eat!
[KAREN ENTERS, PUSHING ROSARIO IN A WHEELCHAIR.]
KAREN: [SING-SONG BABY VOICE] Oh, are we hungry? Does somebody need something to eat?
ROSARIO: I just broke my ankle, you douche bag. I'm not an infant.
KAREN: [BABY TALK] Somebody cwanky.
JACK: [BABY TALK] Maybe she woke up from her nap too soon.
KAREN: [TO ROSARIO] Why don't you go pick out a book. Maybe I can teach ya a few words of English tonight, huh?
ROSARIO: Suck it, bitch.
[KAREN PUSHES THE WHEELCHAIR OUT OF THE ROOM.]
KAREN: No idea what she just said.
JACK: She's aging so gracefully.
KAREN: Jack?
JACK: Yeah?
KAREN: What do you wanna do tonight?
JACK: Oh, I don't know. Stay in?
KAREN: Oh, that sounds nice. Jack?
JACK: Yeah?
KAREN: How long have we been living together?
JACK: Uh, about 20 years. Why?
KAREN: Isn't it funny how we've been with each other longer than we were with any of our husbands or boyfriends?
JACK: I guess it is. I never thought about it before.
KAREN: Jack?
JACK: Yeah?
KAREN: I think I feel a song coming on.
JACK: Then a song we shall have. And might I say... your knockers are looking particularly full tonight.
KAREN: And might I say... you have the balls of a 30-year-old.
[JACK STANDS UP AND TAKES KAREN BY THE HAND TO THE PIANO.]
[JACK SITS DOWN AT THE PIANO AND BEGINS PLAYING "UNFORGETTABLE" BY NAT KING COLE.]
[Unforgettable by Nat King Cole]
KAREN: [SINGING] Unforgettable/That's what you are. Unforgettable/Though near or far/Like a song of love/That clings to me/How the thought of you/Does things to me/Never before/Honey, has someone been more
JACK: [SINGING] Unforgettable/In every way/And forever more/That's how you'll stay
JACK AND KAREN: [BOTH SINGING] That's why, darling/It's incredible/That someone/So...unforgettable/Thinks that I am/Unforgettable...too.
[JACK STANDS UP. HE AND KAREN SMILE TO EACH OTHER. THEY LIFT THEIR SHIRTS AND TOUCH THEIR STOMACHS.]
SCENE XIV: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS SITTING WATCHING TV. HE'S TALKING TO GRACE ON THE PHONE.]
WILL: What are you doing?
[CUT TO GRACE.]
GRACE: Watching TV.
WILL: Me, too. I'm so glad George Clooney came back to "ER." And I'm having second thoughts about the dress.
GRACE: My dress or Lila's wedding dress?
WILL: Yours. I'm not crazy about the trim.
GRACE: Will, you never were.
[GRACE LAUGHS AND SNORTS.]
WILL: I still can't believe our kids are getting married.
GRACE: I can. I'm paying for it.
WILL: You know, for me, that's the most special part about this whole experience.
[GRACE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY.]
WILL: Hey, Vince is working. What--what are you doing? You wanna meet for a drink?
GRACE: Yeah. Leo's working, too. Where?
WILL: Let's go to that bar where they made us kiss that time when they thought we were married.
GRACE: Why, you gonna try something?
WILL: If you play your cards right.
GRACE: Call Jack and Karen. Tell them to meet us there.
WILL: I will. Don't wear the gold coat.
GRACE: First of all, I'm not. And second of all, I wouldn't listen even if I were.
[WILL AND GRACE HANG UP. GRACE STANDS UP AND TAKES OFF HER GOLD COAT AND SLINGS IT ON THE BACK OF THE CHAIR AND EXITS.]
SCENE XV: A Bar
[JACK, KAREN, GRACE, AND WILL ARE STANDING AT THE BAR, EACH HOLDING A SHOT GLASS.]
GRACE: On three?
JACK: One, two--
WILL: Wait.
JACK: Uh, why'd you stop me? I was gonna say, "Three, four, slam it, whore."
GRACE: Come on, the glass is clean.
WILL: No. I was gonn a propose a toast... to family. Family that loves you... and accepts you for exactly who you are.
JACK: [SING-SONG] Boring.
KAREN: [SING-SONG] Too real.
WILL: You know what's funny. We haven't changed a bit.
GRACE: It's kinda nice, isn't it?
[THEY ALL CLINK THEIR GLASSES AND DRINK. THE CAMERA CLOSES IN ON THEM PUTTING THEIR GLASSES ON THE BAR. THE CAMERA MOVES UP TO REVEAL THE FOUR AS THEIR YOUNGER SELVES, SMILING AND LAUGHING.]