Episode #8.15
Original Airdate 2/9/2006
Written by Abraham Higginbotham
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Taye Diggs (James Hanson)
Debbie Reynolds (Bobbi Adler)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
Tim Bagley (Larry)
Jerry Levine (Joe)
Darryl Hall (Himself)
John Oates (Himself)
SCENE I: The Corner Coffee Shop
[GRACE AND JAMES ARE SITTING AT A TABLE DRINKING COFFEE WHEN WILL WALKS IN.]
WILL: Okay. Everything's all set for the wedding.
WILL: [TO THE COUNTER MAN] Coffee, please.
WILL: [TO GRACE AND JAMES] We're meeting the justice of the peace at the court house at 4:15, so I've arranged for a car to pick us up at 3:45, okay?
WILL: Thank you.
WILL: [TO GRACE] And I laid a dress out for you on your bed. Oh, and I also changed your sheets, because I didn't want to lay the dress down on what appeared to be the better part of a Denver omelette.
GRACE: Will, calm down. It's a green card wedding. I don't need to brush my teeth, fix my hair, or put on lipstick. Hell, I don't even need a head.
WILL: Grace. If you're having second thoughts about this, it is not too late to call it off. You know I'll understand.
JAMES: Me too. Even though if you do back out, I'll be deported back to Canada and my life will be destroyed. Have you ever been to Canada? It's like Michigan without any culture.
GRACE: I'm not backing out! I'm really looking forward to this. If for no other reason than to send a holiday photo of James and me to my mom. Whoop! [LAUGHS]
WILL: Well, look... I just want to say--
GRACE: I know--
WILL: Yeah, but I need--
GRACE: I think it's sweet of you--
WILL: So you know?
GRACE: I do.
WILL: I'm glad I got a chance to say it to you.
[KAREN AND JACK ENTER.]
KAREN: Oh, there they are. The Jewish woman and the black man who are about to get married. I get such a kick that that's legal.
JACK: So, James....
[JACK DRAGS A METAL CHAIR UP TO THE TABLE. IT MAKES A LOUD, SQUEAKING NOISE. HE WEDGES THE CHAIR IN BETWEEN WILL AND JAMES.]
JACK: You didn't show up at your bachelor party last night.
WILL: Wait. What bachelor party?
JAMES: Jack offered to throw me a bachelor party for the two of us. Me and him.
JACK: I don't know how you missed it. My invitation was very clear.
[JACK TAKES JAMES' HAND AND "READS" IT.]
JACK: "What: Bachelor Party. Where: My Place. When: After Will Falls Asleep."
KAREN: [TO GRACE] Honey, I made some arrangements for your wedding today. I've reserved St. Patrick's Cathedral. I know you're Jewish, but I couldn't find a bank or deli on such short notice. [LAUGHS]
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER THE APARTMENT. JACK, KAREN, ELLEN, LARRY, JOE AND ROSARIO ALL JUMP UP.]
GRACE: What the--
EVERYBODY: Surprise!
ROSARIO: Smile!
[ROSARIO TAKES GRACE'S PICTURE. SHE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA SCREEN.]
ROSARIO: Whoa. You're not gonna like that one.
WILL: What's going on?
KAREN: A surprise wedding! Since we couldn't do St. Patrick's because of the funaway bride here-- Okay. I just came up with that just now. See, it's clever because there's a movie called Runaway Bride and she took the fun away from planning the wedding. So I called it "funaway bride"!
[KAREN DOUBLES OVER, LAUGHING]
KAREN: [LAUGHING] Instead of runaway bride! Runaway Bride's the real title! [LAUGHING] A-ha-ha! Ha ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! [PANTS]
JACK: This is the first time I thought I could actually kill her.
WILL: Well, look at this. All my friends together in one room. And Rosario. [TO ROSARIO] Hey.
GRACE: Karen, I told you that I didn't want to make a big deal about this. Oh, my God. Why do I smell Polident and cabbage?
[GRACE'S MOTHER, BOBBI ADLER, EXITS FROM THE BATHROOM.]
BOBBI: Hello, dear! I hear you're marrying a gay, black man. Wouldn't have it been easier to just run me over?
GRACE: Hi, mom.
[GRACE HUGS HER MOTHER AND GIVES HER A KISS ON THE CHEEK.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Your wigs on backwards.
BOBBI: Oh! I really need to draw an arrow inside it.
[BOBBI GOES BACK INTO THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: Excuse us.
[WILL AND GRACE STEP OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
GRACE: Did you know about this?
WILL: Of course not! I would never let them invite your mother.
[GRACE SIGHS.]
WILL: Hell, if I'd been planning this, I wouldn't have invited a single person in there.
[LARRY STEPS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
LARRY: We can hear you!
WILL: You didn't let me finish. Except for Larry.
[LARRY WALKS BACK INTO THE APARTMENT AND SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] I think I patched that up. So, look. I don't want to do this either. So why don't we just go inside and tell them that we want a simple thing at the Justice of the Peace?
[THE ELEVATOR DINGS. WILL'S BOYFRIEND, JAMES, EXITS THE ELEVATOR. HE IS DRESSED IN A BLACK TUXEDO.]
JAMES: Hey, guys.
WILL: Or we march my very hot boyfriend into that apartment and show him off to all of my friends?
JAMES: Sorry I'm so dressed up, Grace. But Karen can be very persuasive when you're in the tub and she's there with a toaster and a garment bag.
[KAREN AND JACK EXIT THE APARTMENT.]
KAREN: Hey, kids. Everything okay?
GRACE: No, it's not okay. What did you do?
JACK: I didn't do anything. I'm against this whole charade. [PAUSES] Did I pronounce that correctly? A-gainst. Yep.
KAREN: Honey, you've gotta make the wedding look real for the INS. Now, come on. I got you a dress and a ring. And Rosario's gonna take some pictures. Believe me, she's better behind the camera than in front of it.
[KAREN WALKS BACK INTO THE APARTMENT.]
GRACE: Ugh. All this for a pretend wedding. I'm not even getting laid at the end? [TO JAMES] Am I?
WILL: No.
GRACE: Let him answer!
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS POURING HIS FRIENDS CHAMPAGNE.]
JOE: I have to say Will, when I heard James was Canadian, I though "yechh." But I didn't know they made them like that.
WILL: Yeah. I'm glad you guys like him.
LARRY: Like him? I'd sell my mother to a cult just to see him take off his shirt.
ELLEN: And Grace gets to marry him. Heh. I hate her.
WILL: Well, you know, James isn't just good looking. He's also charming and smart--
ELLEN: And could pound me like a piece of veal.
[LARRY AND JOE LOOK AT ELLEN SURPRISED.]
ELLEN: What? You guys where thinking it.
LARRY: I was.
JOE: I am now.
[IN THE KITCHEN, WILL WALKS UP TO JAMES.]
JACK: You know, you didn't hear it from me, but, uh, Will is going bald. It's not going to be pretty.
JAMES: Look at my head.
JACK: May I kiss it?
JAMES: No.
[WILL WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: Well, what's going on here?
JACK: Yeah, um, I don't see this working. Okay? There. I said it. I didn't want to say it. But now I've said it. I don't see this working.
[WILL GRABS JACK BY THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND PUSHES HIM OUT OF THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: [TO JAMES] If he comes too close again, blow this whistle. I know we wanted to do a simple thing at the courthouse, but this is kind of fun. This is exactly the way I'd do my wedding, you know? Only Stevie Wonder would be here to sing my favorite song.
JAMES: Mmm. "Superstitious"?
WILL: Why? Is it bad luck to have a blind guy sing at your wedding?
JAMES: No, the song.
WILL: Oh. No, no. He'd sing "As". You know, I won a lip sync contest at my high school doing a Stevie Wonder medley that ended with "Ebony and Ivory." My performance really brought everybody together. Kids of all races beat me up.
[DARRYL HALL AND JOHN OATES ENTER THE APARTMENT. THEY ARE CARRYING GUITAR CASES.]
HALL: Excuse me? Is this the Adler and Hanson wedding?
WILL: Yes. Are you Hall and Oates?
OATES: Actually, it's Oates and Hall now.
HALL: Yeah. Every 25 years we flip it. Uh, when I agreed to that, I didn't think we'd last that long.
[CUT TO WILL'S BEDROOM. GRACE HAS PUT ON HER WEDDING DRESS. KAREN STANDS BY AND WATCHES AS GRACE LOOKS AT HERSELF IN THE MIRROR.]
GRACE: God, it is so weird seeing myself in a wedding dress again.
KAREN: Hmm.
GRACE: It's freaking me out a little bit. I'm actually sweating.
KAREN: Honey, you're finally wearing a quality fabric. Your body's not sweating, it's crying with relief.
GRACE: It is an incredible dress. Thank you so much for doing this. It probably is better that it look real for the INS.
KAREN: That's not the only reason that I'm doing all this, honey. I think what you're doing for Will is the most generous thing I've seen one friend do for another. And it made me want to be generous to you. I'm just really proud of you, Gracie.
[GRACE BENDS OVER AND PUTS HER HANDS ON THE BED.]
GRACE: I just got sick to my stomach.
KAREN: Yeah, well, screw you! I was just making conversation, you ungrateful bitch!
GRACE: No! No, Karen, come back. Come back.
[GRACE SITS DOWN ON THE BED.]
GRACE: It's not what you said. I think it's just, uh, because I'm squeezed into a size two.
KAREN: It's an eight.
GRACE: Four.
KAREN: Six.
GRACE: I'll take it.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR AND PEEKS IN.]
WILL: Hey, the justice of the peace is here. My God, you look incredible.
KAREN: Well, thank you, Will. You're not looking too bad yourself.
WILL: I was talking to Grace.
KAREN: Yeah, well, screw you, you ungrateful bitch!
WILL: Okay. Sweetie, if you're ready? Let's go marry my boyfriend.
GRACE: Yeah, just give me-- Just give me one second. Ever since I put this dress on, I've been feeling a little sick.
[GRACE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]
WILL: Wait a minute. You really not feel well? Or is it just having a wedding dress on again is bringing up all sorts of Leo stuff?
GRACE: I don't know. Maybe a little bit. But, I still want to do this. So, get out there. I'll be there in a sec.
WILL: Oh, quick question, Karen. Did you hire Hall and Oates for this wedding?
KAREN: Yes, I did. And I was lucky to get them. Honey, that's one of the most successful acts in the history of pop music. Oh, and after the service, Oates will do your caricature for a dollar.
[KAREN EXITS THE BEDROOM.]
WILL: Look. Anything you need--
[A LOUD WHISTLE IS HEARD FROM THE OTHER ROOM.]
WILL: Jack!
[WILL RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment.
[KAREN ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM. EVERYONE IS SEATED WAITING FOR THE CEREMONY TO BEGIN. HALL AND OATES ARE STANDING NEAR THE BALCONY WITH THEIR GUITARS.]
KAREN: All right. [TO HALL AND OATES] All right. The second she walks down that aisle, I want to hear music. And I don't want to hear a track from your last album. This is a wedding, not the Ellen show.
HALL: Okay, I understand, I understand. [QUIETLY] Um, listen. Let me ask you something. Did we sleep together in Dayton, Ohio in 1981?
KAREN: Maybe. Were you in the pile with Chrissie Hynde and Joan Jett?
[HALL NODS AND SMILES.]
KAREN: [GIGGLING] Okay.
[GRACE WALKS INTO THE ROOM. SHE'S HOLDING HER BOUQUET.]
GRACE: Okay, I'm ready. Let's do it.
JACK: Grace, may I walk you down the aisle?
GRACE: That's so sweet.
HALL AND OATES: Whoa, here she comes. Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up. Whoa, here she comes. She's a maneater.
GRACE: [FAKE LAUGHS] Uh-huh-huh-huh. Funny. Who knew Hall and Oates were such a riot.
KAREN: Okay. Let's do it again. This time, put down those guitars and just hum "The Wedding March". That way you can still walk around and refill drinks. Hit it.
[HALL AND OATES BEGIN HUMMING THE WEDDING MARCH. EVERYONE STANDS AS JACK ESCORTS GRACE THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM TO THE JUSTICE OF THE PEACE.]
ELLEN: [QUIETLY] I can't believe she gets to wear that beautiful dress. I kind of want to trip her.
[JOE AND LARRY LOOK AT ELLEN.]
ELLEN: What? You were both thinking it.
LARRY: I was.
JOE: I am now.
[A LITTLE LATER.]
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: Now it's time for your vows, which I was told you prepared yourselves?
GRACE: Oh. No. We're not doing that.
JAMES: Right. And you can just skip the whole "kiss your bride" thing, too.
GRACE: No, that we're doing.
KAREN: Uh, I wanna hear vows. I payed 500 large for this shindig. Brown sugar goes first.
WILL: Karen, I have asked you not to call him that. It's offensive. And it makes a little less special when I do it.
JAMES: Okay, uh, Grace... I love... your hair. It's a kind of red that you really don't see that often, outside the Raggedy family.
KAREN: Well, he's quick on his feet. I don't know what I would have said.
GRACE: James. I vow to stand by you, or whatever. Heh. And I, uh, vow to, um... Wow, I just got dizzy. Okay, just got a little barfy.
[GRACE BENDS OVER AND PUTS HER HANDS ON HER KNEES.]
JACK: So beautiful. Oh, my God, I'm crying...
[JACK SITS DOWN, SOBBING.]
WILL: Are you okay? Can we get some water here?
[OATES GIVES WILL A CHAMPAGNE FLUTE FILLED WITH WATER.]
WILL: Thanks, Oates.
[WILL HANDS GRACE THE WATER.]
WILL: Here.
[GRACE DISMISSES THE GLASS.]
GRACE: No, I'm-- I'm okay. I don't even know what happen-- Oop--
WILL: Grace--
GRACE: I'm fine. I'm fine. Heh. I'm fine. It's just a little hot in here, or something. Okay, let's just keep going.
WILL: No, no, no. We're not doing this. I'm sorry, James. We need to talk. Come here.
[AS WILL AND GRACE TURN AROUND, ROSARIO TAKES THEIR PICTURE.]
ROSARIO: [LOOKING AT THE CAMERA] Oof. Not her day.
[WILL HELPS GRACE INTO THE BEDROOM.]
[IN WILL'S BEDROOM. GRACE IS SITTING ON THE BED, SOBBING.]
GRACE: How dare you drag me out of my wedding! I wanted everything to be perfect!
[GRACE IMMEDIATELY STOPS CRYING.]
GRACE: I'm totally kidding. What's up?
WILL: "What's up"? You just fainted.
GRACE: I didn't faint. I barely Lindsay Lohan'd.
WILL: [SIGHS] I don't think you want to marry James.
GRACE: What? Of course I do.
WILL: I know you say you're okay with it, but look at you. You're falling apart. I mean, maybe your body's trying to tell you that you're really not okay with this.
GRACE: Will, my body's not that smart. If it were, it would have stopped my feet from growing at age twelve and would have focused all of its energy right up here.
[GRACE POINTS TO HER BREASTS.]
GRACE: It's the dress. It's-- It's too tight. I swear I wanna do this.
WILL: I just wanna make sure you've thought this through. Because after today, that's it. You're married.
GRACE: Um, maybe you haven't noticed, but there hasn't been a lot going on with me lately.
WILL: No, no, I've noticed. And what if you meet someone? I don't want my relationship with James to be the thing that stops you.
GRACE: It's two years. And I get a gorgeous husband who doesn't care if I cheat on him? A girl could do worse.
WILL: So, you're sure?
GRACE: I'm sure. 'Cause you're the most important person in the world to me and if there is anything that I can do to help ensure your happiness, I'm gonna do it.
WILL: What did I do to deserve you?
GRACE: A million things.
WILL: Hmm.
GRACE: And you're gonna do a million more to keep deserving me.
WILL: This is going to be a really expensive two years for me, isn't it?
GRACE: Oh, yeah.
[IN THE LIVING ROOM. KAREN WALKS UP TO HALL AND OATES.]
KAREN: Hey. Tall and Oates. I'm not paying you two to stand around. I guess I should have hired Men at Work. Maybe you should get in there and pick up some dirty plates.
HALL: I can't go for that. No can do.
OATES: Whoops. Now you got to put a dollar in the "Old Lyric Jar."
[OATES HOLDS OUT A PLASTIC JAR FULL OF MONEY. HALL PUTS A DOLLAR INTO THE JAR.]
HALL: You and that jar. Sometimes I think we're never gonna have that pizza party.
[JAMES WALKS UP TO JOE, LARRY, AND ELLEN.]
JAMES: Excuse me. You guys know Will pretty well, don't you? Should I be worried?
LARRY: Oh, no. No, Will and Grace do this all the time. They're always crawling off into rooms to whisper, or fight, or God knows what.
JAMES: That's a relief. Sorry for freaking out on you guys like that.
JOE: That was freaking out?
JAMES: I don't know. Karen gave me what she swore was a mint, but she shook it out of an envelope and now I can't feel my tongue. Anyway, thanks. [JAMES PATS LARRY ON THE SHOULDER.] It's nice to not be the only black guy in the room.
[LARRY LOOKS AT JOE, CONFUSED.]
[JAMES WALKS AWAY AND JACK INTERCEPTS HIM.]
JACK: I figured you out. You hate Canada. You do. You hate Canada so much that you're willing to marry Grace and pretend to be in love with fat, bald Will so you don't have to go back to that awful frozen prison where Superman lives.
JAMES: You know, I used to think that you were jealous of Will, but now I'm beginning to think that you're jealous of me for getting to be with Will.
JACK: Well played, Canada. Well played. But you're wrong! This has all been a test to see if your feelings for my best friends are really true. And you passed. This time. But know this! I will always be coming on to you. Always. When you turn a corner, I'll be there. Nude. To test you. Did I mention you're allowed to fail one test.
[WILL ENTERS THE ROOM.]
JACK: Will, he has earned you. [TO JAMES] Take good care of him. And remember... nude.
WILL: Did Jack just threaten to be nude around the corner. Eh. It's hard to be threatened by a guy who still writes "L" and "R" on the bottom of his shoes.
JAMES: He took my whistle, Will.
WILL: Oh, sweetie, come here.
[WILL HUGS JAMES.]
WILL: It's so crazy today. I just wish we could get a little time alone.
JAMES: Yeah.
HALL AND OATES: Private eyes. They're watching you. They see your every move...
WILL: Oh, grow up, Hall and Oates!
[WALKS WALKS INTO THE ROOM.]
GRACE: Okay. I'm ready.
[BOBBI GETS UP AND WALKS TO GRACE.]
BOBBI: Oh, dear, are you alright? Oh, your make-up is so thick, I can't get a read.
GRACE: At least mine doesn't come off in one piece.
KAREN: Whoo! The wedding zinger! Ha ha ha ha! Okay. See what I did?
[JACK SIGHS AND ROLLS HIS EYES.]
KAREN: The movie is called The Wedding Singer, but Grace made a joke and I changed it from The Wedding Singer to The Wedding Zinger! So darned clever. All I did was literally change one letter.
[JACK SQUEEZES HIS CHAMPAGNE FLUTE SO HARD THAT IT SHATTERS IN HIS HAND.]
GRACE: Let's go, James. The quicker we do this, the quicker I get out of my dress. It's a size two.
JAMES: I heard it was an eight.
GRACE: You want me to do this?
JAMES: Okay.
ROSARIO: Grace, you look so radiant. Turn around.
[GRACE TURNS AROUND AND SMILES. ROSARIO TAKES HER PICTURE. ROSARIO LOOKS AT THE CAMERA SCREEN.]
ROSARIO: Wow. It looks like I'm going to be in Photoshop all night.
[ROSARIO SIGHS AND SITS DOWN.]
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: Well, all right then. Do you, Grace--
GRACE: I sure do.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: Do you, James Allen--
JAMES: Can you just hold off for a second. I mean, I do, but let me just do this quick thing. [TO GRACE] I know this is supposed to be our day, but I just want to do something for our best man, since I didn't have time to buy him any cufflinks.
[JAMES WALKS UP TO WILL AND BEGINS SINGING.]
JAMES: [SINGING] As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving...
WILL: Stevie Wonder.
JAMES: [SINGING] And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May... As hate knows loves the cure,
WILL AND JAMES: [SINGING] You can rest your mind assure, that I'll be loving you always.
[WILL AND JAMES HOLD EACH OTHER'S HANDS.]
[JACK WALKS UP TO WILL AND JAMES. HE'S NAKED, HOLDING A PILLOW IN FRONT OF HIS GROIN.]
JACK: Oh, yeah. I'm-a test you.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
[THE NEXT MORNING. WILL AND JAMES ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST.]
WILL: As rocky as that wedding started out, it turned out to be pretty great. My favorite part? When you sang Stevie Wonder to me.
JAMES: I sang Stevie Wonder?
WILL: Yeah. You sang "As".
JAMES: Wow. Karen's pills were amazing.
WILL: You don't remember singing it?
JAMES: Uh-uh. I don't even know that song.
[KAREN AND JACK ENTER.]
KAREN: Hey, Will. [TO JAMES] Hey, Grace. I love your hair like that.
JACK: Karen, silly, that's not Grace. That's James, Grace's other gay husband.
[JACK WALKS UP TO THE TABLE. HE GETS RIGHT UP NEXT TO JAMES AND BENDS OVER AND PICKS UP A MUFFIN.]
JACK: Tempted?
JAMES: No.
JACK: What if I hadn't just eaten herring?
[GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: Oh, hey.
WILL: There you are. Where did you get off to so early?
GRACE: Oh, I, uh, I still wasn't feeling well this morning, so I went to the doctor.
WILL: Oh, sweetie, you are sick.
GRACE: No, I'm not sick. I'm pregnant.
To be continued...