Episode #8.14
Original Airdate 2/2/2006
Written by Steve Gabriel
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Taye Diggs (James Hanson)
Michael Angarano (Elliot)
Christopher Shea (Waiter)
Steve Hasley (Clerk)
Joan Poust (Woman)
SCENE I: Los Angeles, A Luxury Hotel
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER THE HOTEL LOBBY WITH ROLLING SUITCASES IN TOW.]
WILL: This is so exciting, being in L.A. I already feel like I'm tanner, thinner, and that I have to hide my homosexuality to be cast as a leading man.
GRACE: Oh. Hey, look, all the people in this hotel are looking at me. They probably think I'm someone super famous checking in.
[A WOMAN WALKS UP TO GRACE.]
WOMAN: [TO GRACE] Excuse me. Are you--
GRACE: Nicole Kidman? No.
WOMAN: I was going to say Kathy Griffin.
GRACE: I'll take it.
[JACK AND ELLIOT ENTER THE LOBBY. IS CARRYING TWO SUITCASES AND A BACKPACK. JACK IS CARRYING A SMALL GIFT BAG.]
JACK: Elliot, hold those bags a little higher. When we were walking by the gutter you almost hit Colin Farrell in the head.
GRACE: Elliot, you must be so excited. I can't believe you might be going to UCLA. I just seems like yesterday you were playing with a GI Joe doll and spilling you juice box on our rug.
ELLIOT: That was yesterday. And it was Jack. No, but it's so cool of you and Will to come check out UCLA with us.
WILL: Of course, Elliot. I mean, we wouldn't miss it. You're family.
ELLIOT: You wanna come next month when we check out University of Kansas?
WILL: Oh, God no. What celebrities live there?
[WILL WALKS UP TO THE FRONT DESK.]
WILL: Truman and Adler checking in.
[KAREN ENTERS, BRUSHING PAST WILL AND GRACE.]
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Move it. Me first. [TO DESK CLERK] Hello, Mr. I Moved Here To Become An Actor, Failed, And Then Decided Working In A Hotel Is Really What I Wanted To Do After All. Karen Walker checking in. I reserved the entire eighth floor and bungalow two. [TO HER FRIENDS] I'm like doggie. I can't poo in my own cage.
[THE DESK CLERK GIVES KAREN HER KEY CARD.]
CLERK: The bellman will see you upstairs.
ELLIOT: Jack, you think we could go up to the room? I wanna be early for our campus tour.
JACK: Yeah, you're gonna love our room. I requested a view of the Hollywood hills. So if it rains, we can watch all the houses slide down the hill.
[JACK AND ELLIOT FOLLOW KAREN OUT OF THE LOBBY.]
[THE DESK CLERK GIVES WILL AND GRACE THEIR KEY CARDS.]
WILL: [TO THE DESK CLERK] Thank you.
GRACE: All right, let's go.
[WILL NOTICES A BLACK MAN WALK THROUGH THE LOBBY.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] Oh, my God. That looked like James. Remember? The- That guy that I met the night of The Sound of Music sing-along?
GRACE: Will, you've got to stop. You've thought you've seen this James guy, like, ten times in the last month. He was not in line at Dean and DeLuca. He was not our pilot who flew us out here. And he was definitely not cured of blindness on that Christian station.
WILL: I know. It's just... I wish I got his last name or his phone number. I've been back to that theater, like six times hoping to run into him again. I actually had to buy a ticket to Big Momma's House 2.
GRACE: Had to? You've been quoting lines from that movie all week. [MOCKING WILL/BIG MOMMA] "Momma's gonna dole out some justice up in here!"
[GRACE EXITS THE LOBBY TO HER ROOM.]
WILL: [TO DESK CLERK] Are our rooms next to each other?
CLERK: Yes, they are.
WILL: Can they not be?
[WILL'S FRIEND JAMES ENTERS THE LOBBY.]
JAMES: Will?
WILL: James? Oh, my God. It is you!
JAMES: Hey. Wow, this is so bizarre. What are you doing out here?
WILL: I'm on vacation. What are you doing here?
JAMES: I'm working. I'm a photographer. You wanna go get a drink?
WILL: Uh, yeah. I can't-- This is so weird. I swear for the last month, I've been seeing you everywhere.
JAMES: Me, too. I actually thought I saw you at Williams Sonoma trying on bunny rabbit oven mitts.
WILL: Heh-heh... That was me.
SCENE II: The Hotel Lounge
[KAREN IS SITTING IN THE LOUNGE. JACK RUNS IN.]
JACK: Karen? Have you seen Elliot? I'm worried sick. He went out to a party last night with some kids he met on the campus tour and stayed out all night.
KAREN: Honey, that's not good. Well, I can tell you he wasn't at the Phi Theta Mu house. Fun party. More like the "I Felta Thigh" house. I did a beer bong and cuddled with a girl named Lindsay.
ELLIOT: Hey, guys.
JACK: Oh, Elliot! Where were you? I wanna know exactly where you were last night.
ELLIOT: I went to a party with some people and did some stuff.
JACK: Oh, okay. Now that I know the details, I feel so much better.
ELLIOT: I'm gonna go crash.
KAREN: Honey, what the hell was that?
JACK: Oh, you saw that? I had to pull my pants out of my butt a little bit.
KAREN: No. Elliot owes you an explanation. Jackie, you're his father. You've got to start acting like one.
JACK: Well, it's hard. It's a very complicated relationship between a sperm donor dad and the child of a lesbian who shows up on his door 13 years later. There's really only one book about it. And not a lot of stores carry Yank, Squirt, Doink, Dyke, Baby.
KAREN: I know, honey. All I'm saying is that Elliot's going to be going away to college next year. Soon he won't be around for you to protect him. And help him to make the right choices. So, now while you go talk to him, I'm gonna run back to the Phi Theta Mu house and teach Lindsay that you only have to use condoms if he's ugly.
SCENE III: The Pool
[WILL AND JAMES ARE STANDING NEXT TO THE POOL. THEY ARE WEARING SWIM TRUNKS.]
WILL: Hey. Look at that couple. The one guy is so much cuter than the other guy. [SING-SONG] Mis-match. [CHUCKLES]
JAMES: Oh, look, they're pointing at us too.
WILL: Stop looking at them. So, you wanna, wanna go in the pool?
JAMES: Oh, can I put my ring in your shoe?
WILL: I don't know what that entails, but sure. I'm game.
JAMES: My engagement ring.
WILL: Oh! I'm sorry, your engagement what?
JAMES: It's for my green card. I'm Canadian and my friend Claire offered to marry me so that I could stay in the country.
WILL: Oh, that is so sweet. My friend Grace won't even flush the toilet.
JAMES: All right, come on, let's get in.
WILL: Okay.
[JAMES TAKES HIS TANK TOP OFF. WILL NOTICES HOW MUSCULAR JAMES IS.]
WILL: You know what? I'll be in there in a second. I got a bit of a cramp. Heh-heh...
[JAMES JUMPS INTO THE POOL. WILL BENDS DOWN AND DOES SEVERAL QUICK PUSH-UPS. HE'S INTERRUPTED BY GRACE.]
GRACE: There you are! Thank you. Thank you for making me go to Grauman's Chinese Theater all by myself. I looked like an idiot standing in John Wayne's footprints alone.
WILL: Because your feet are bigger?
GRACE: And my hands. Was he tiny, or am I just a monster?
WILL: The reason that I blew you off, remember that guy that I thought was James in the lobby? It was him. And he is amazing.
GRACE: Where is he? Introduce me.
WILL: Yeah, maybe later.
GRACE: What's the matter? You think I'm gonna turn him?
WILL: Turn him? He's already gay. No, I just... wanna have him to myself for a while. You understand, right?
GRACE: What's the big deal? You just met him, like, two days ago.
WILL: Don't you see? We meet in New York, and a month later we meet in LA. It's fate.
GRACE: No, fate is me signing Kathy Griffin autographs for ten bucks a pop and running into her doing the same thing.
WILL: I'm serious. I think this is the beginning of something.
GRACE: Oh, Will, it sounds like you're moving a little fast.
WILL: I know what I'm doing. Hurry up, get out of here. He's getting out of the pool.
GRACE: [SIGHS] All right, fine. I'll go.
[GRACE LOOKS OVER TO THE POOL.]
GRACE: Is that him?
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: [SING-SONG] Mis-match.
[GRACE WALKS AWAY.]
SCENE IV: Jack and Elliot's Hotel Room
[JACK WATCHES AS ELLIOT PACKS SOME THINGS INTO HIS BACKPACK.]
ELLIOT: I had such a good time last night. I tried sushi. I climbed on this roof and chipped my tooth on a satellite dish. Then I did a beer bong and cuddled with a girl named Lindsay.
JACK: We really need to talk about last night.
ELLIOT: Oh, I'm sorry, Jack. I can't. And I also can't go to the beach with you later. Some of the guys called, and they want to hang out.
JACK: Well, just as second. You should have called me. I was up all night watching Telemundo and worrying myself sick.
ELLIOT: Hey, I'm sorry. Look, I gotta go.
JACK: No, no, no. You can't.
ELLIOT: What?
JACK: You've behaved irresponsibly, so... you're grounded.
ELLIOT: That's funny. See ya later.
JACK: I'm not kidding. I am not spending another night watching Spanish soap operas wondering where my son is!
JACK: Now, you are going to sit here and think about what you are wearing tomorrow.
ELLIOT: You're not the guy who tells me what to do.
JACK: Yes, I am. I am your father, and if I say you're not going, you're not going.
ELLIOT: My father? All you did was donate sperm. You're not Dad. You're Jack.
JACK: Elliot--
ELLIOT: I'm going out.
JACK: Elliot!
[ELLIOT LEAVES, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. JACK LEANS AGAINST THE DOOR EXASPERATED.]
JACK: Oh! [DRAMATICALLY SPEAKING SPANISH] Que lastimo mi niņo...
SCENE V: The Hotel Lounge
[WILL AND JAMES ENTER THE HOTEL LOUNGE.]
WILL: I just realized I do know your work. You took that photograph, that amazing shot of Kate Moss in the dumpster with the lettuce leaf on her head. That was genius.
JAMES: I can't take credit. I found her like that.
[THE FRONT DESK CLERK WALKS UP TO JAMES.]
CLERK: Mr. Hanson? You have a phone call at the front desk.
WILL: Get that. I'll order us drinks.
[JAMES WALKS OUT OF THE LOUNGE.]
CLERK: Mis-match. [CHUCKLES]
[THE WOMAN SITTING NEAR WILL'S TABLE TURNS AROUND.]
WOMAN: Excuse me. That was Kathy Griffin I saw you with. Could you get me her autograph?
WILL: Sure. It's ten bucks.
WOMAN: Eh, it's for my niece. I'll do it myself.
[JAMES WALKS BACK IN.]
WILL: Hey. Everything okay?
JAMES: Actually, no. That was Claire. Apparently she me somebody and now she doesn't want to marry me. I don't get it. She's not pretty, smart, or funny. I really thought this was a fool-proof plan.
WILL: So, what does this mean?
JAMES: It means I have to leave the country.
WILL: Oh? When-- When do you have to go?
JAMES: My visa expires in four days.
WILL: Crap. So I did those push-ups for nothing.
SCENE VI: The Hotel Lobby
[JACK WALKS UP TO KAREN.]
JACK: Thanks a lot, Karen. I took your advice and tried to be a dad to Elliot. And we ended up having a huge fight. He said I wasn't really his father and he stormed off. Oh!
[JACK PLOPS DOWN INTO THE CHAIR NEXT TO KAREN, MUMBLING SOMETHING IN SPANISH.]
KAREN: Oh, honey, he didn't mean it. Mason and Olivia say the most horrible things about me. And sometimes to the police.
JACK: [SIGHS] No, he did mean it. Maybe he's right. I'm not his father.
KAREN: Listen. Every parent goes through this. When I lost Mason in Egypt for four weeks, I'll be honest. I doubted myself. I didn't think there was any way he would ever again think that I was a good mother. When he rang our doorbell that day, covered in stickers... All was forgiven. Jack, trust me. You're a good father.
[JACK'S CELL PHONE BEGINS RINGING. IT'S JACK SINGING "RING MY BELL."]
RING TONE: You can ring my bell...
KAREN: Honey, what's that?
JACK: It's my cell phone.
[JACK PULLS HIS CELL PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET]]
RING TONE: Ding-a-ling-a-ling, my bell...
KAREN: Cool ring tune, honey.
JACK: Thanks, I miss a lot of calls 'cause I like to get all the way to the ding-a-ling-a-lings.
[JACK AND KAREN BEGIN SWAYING BACK AND FORTH TO THE MUSIC.]
RING TONE: You can ring my bell...
[JACK AND KAREN BEGIN DANCING TO THE MUSIC.]
RING TONE: Ring my bell, my bell...
JACK: Oh! It's Elliot. Oh, it's Elliot. [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello? Elliot? Hello? Oh. Yeah. Just a second. [TO KAREN] He wants to talk to you.
KAREN: Oh.
[KAREN TAKES THE PHONE FROM JACK.]
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] What can I do you for, Smelliot? Uh-huh. Okay. Bye.
[KAREN HANGS UP.]
KAREN: He's stranded and needs a ride.
JACK: Oh, well, where's he at? I'll go get him.
KAREN: Honey, he wants me to go. I'm sorry, Jackie. I feel awful.
JACK: Me, too.
[JACK'S CELL PHONE BEGINS RINGING. JACK AND KAREN SWAY BACK AND FORTH TO THE MUSIC.]
RING TONE: You can ring my bell... ring my bell, my bell...
SCENE VII: Will's Hotel Room
[WILL IS IN HIS ROOM FOLDING SHIRTS WHEN GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: Oh, my God. You've gotta come downstairs and see this. Tara Reid dropped her martini in the pool and now she's drinking the water. Come on. Are you packing?
WILL: Yes.
GRACE: For real, or are you having fun?
WILL: Do I look like I'm having fun?
GRACE: Kinda.
WILL: Well, that's because I'm using my shirt board and that always makes me a little happy.
[WILL PULLS THE SHIRT BOARD FROM THE SHIRT, LEAVING A PERFECTLY FOLDED SHIRT. HE PUTS THE SHIRT INTO HIS SUITCASE.]
WILL: I'm going home, Grace. [SIGHS] James green card marriage fell through, and now he has to go back to Canada.
GRACE: Oh, how awful for him. Those Canadians are so smug, with their health care and their gay rights. It's easy to be like that when you're not a real country.
WILL: Did you hear what I said? James and I are over. Oh, God. The one time that I don't over-think something. The one time that I take a chance, and this is what happens.
GRACE: Will, I'm sorry, but it was gonna end anyway. I mean, that... that's what happens with flings.
WILL: This was not a fling.
GRACE: Will, I am sure that James is a really great guy. But you've only known him a couple of days. And you're on vacation. Maybe you just got caught up a little.
WILL: Grace, you know me. I don't get caught up. I'm like the one gay man I know that never got highlights. I mean, I cover the grey. I'm not a caveman. You know, I mean, maybe we could have had something. You know, and now... now we'll never have a chance to find out.
GRACE: Does he feel the same way?
WILL: Yes. I think. I mean, how could he not.
GRACE: See, you don't even know. Why don't you just slow down, enjoy the next two days... and then see where you are.
WILL: I can't. I don't want to go any further down a dead end road.
[WILL ZIPS UP HIS SUITCASE.]
SCENE VIII: An LA Street Corner
[ELLIOT IS SITTING ON A BENCH ALONE WHEN JACK WALKS UP.]
JACK: Ugh. There you are! I got lost and had to stop at a bar for directions. I couldn't understand one thing anybody said. The gay accent is so thick here.
ELLIOT: Well, what are you doing here? I thought Karen was coming.
JACK: Well, you got me whether you want me or not, Elliot. So, come on.
ELLIOT: No, I-- I do want you. I only called Karen because I didn't think you'd come after all the things I said.
[JACK SITS DOWN ON THE BENCH NEXT TO ELLIOT.]
JACK: Elliot, if you need me, I'll always come and get you. It doesn't matter what awful things you say to me, or how long you insist on keeping that Keira Knightly haircut. You're my son.
[JACK PATS ELLIOT ON THE BACK.]
JACK: Now, tell me exactly what happened tonight.
ELLIOT: These guys, they wanted me to go to the ATM to get money so we can get beer, and uh.... After I gave it to them, they just drove off, laughing and flipping me off. I'm starting to think I got ditched.
JACK: I once got ditched, too. I was in high school and it involved an actual ditch. I'd still be there if that police dog hadn't picked up my scent. All part of growing up. Let's go.
[JACK AND ELLIOT STAND UP.]
ELLIOT: Wait. Jack. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said you weren't my dad.
JACK: Anyway. Isn't it weird that all of this happened right when you were about to go to college, and you don't even need a dad anymore.
ELLIOT: Well, maybe I still kinda do.
[ELLIOT REACHES OUT TO HUG JACK, WHO STOPS HIM.]
JACK: Yeah, we can't hug here. We're on the corner of Murder and Homophobia.
SCENE IX: The Hotel Lobby
[GRACE WALKS UP TO THE FRONT DESK.]
GRACE: [TO THE DESK CLERK] So, we'll be checking out early. Oh, and just so you know, I had a break-in. They cleared out the mini-bar. They didn't take the fruit... or that other half of that weird granola thing.
CLERK: [ROLLING HIS EYES] That's strange.
GRACE: Oh, and, um, also another thing you should also know, is that, um, there was no coffee machine when I checked in.
[GRACE TURNS AROUND AND NOTICES JAMES IN THE LOUNGE SITTING ALONE READING A MAGAZINE. GRACE WALKS OVER TO JAMES.]
GRACE: Do you mind if I sit?
JAMES: No, go ahead.
[GRACE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH JAMES.]
GRACE: Wow, you really are handsome.
JAMES: I'm sorry, I should tell you that I'm gay.
GRACE: Oh, yeah. I got that. You're reading Gourmet Magazine and ripping out recipes. Um, look--
JAMES: I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't really feel like talking right now.
GRACE: Oh, I see.
JAMES: I mean, what am I gonna say, you know? I can't be all broken-hearted over a guy I've known for two days. Even if he is great. I mean, I have to-- I'm sorry. I'm taking up all your time, and clearly you've got money to make, so...
[JAMES GOES BACK TO READING HIS MAGAZINE.]
GRACE: Wait. You think I'm a hooker? I'll take that.
[JAMES PUTS THE MAGAZINE ON THE TABLE AND SIGHS.]
JAMES: It's just that it sucks, you know. I thought that this could really be something. And now I'm not gonna get a chance to find out.
GRACE: Well, what if was only meant to be a fun weekend. How much do you even know about him?
JAMES: Well, uh... I know his favorite color is antique paper. And that he calls his shirt board Flatimir. He knows all the lyrics to "Walking on Sunshine," which is a bummer, but I can get over it. That's how much I like him. I mean, I haven't met a guy like that in so long... who seemed honest and real and kind...
GRACE: He is. And he feels the same way about you. I'm Grace, by the way.
JAMES: Oh. Will told me you were funny.
GRACE: Oh, that's sweet.
JAMES: That's why I didn't think it was you.
GRACE: Well, if it makes you feel any better, Will's pretty miserable, too. He's upstairs packing.
JAMES: For real or for fun?
GRACE: For real.
[JAMES GETS UP AND WALKS INTO THE LOBBY. WILL IS AT THE DESK CHECKING OUT.]
JAMES: What are you doing?
WILL: Checking out. I was gonna come say goodbye after I finished making the bed.
JAMES: You make your hotel bed, too? So do I.
WILL: It just got harder to leave you.
GRACE: You guys, I have something to say.
WILL: This is not a good time, Grace.
GRACE: Yeah, but, what if--
WILL: Please, I'm trying to say goodbye here.
JAMES: I don't wanna say goodbye.
WILL: Well, I don't wanna say it either, but I don't see what else there is to do.
GRACE: I do. What if I--
WILL: Wh-Wh-- What if you what, Grace? What are you gonna do that will magically solve this miserable and hopeless situation?
GRACE: What if I marry James?
WILL: Yeah, that will solve it. You're not serious. No, no, Grace, that's crazy.
GRACE: Why? I mean, you guys clearly have something here. You deserve to see where this relationship could go.
JAMES: Are you sure?
GRACE: It's only two years. What have I done in the last two years? I can't think of one thing.
WILL: That's true. She didn't even read The DaVinci Code.
GRACE: So, what do you say, James?
[GRACE TAKES JAMES' HAND AND GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE.]
GRACE: Will you marry me?
JAMES: Yes, yes, I will.
[GRACE AND JAMES HUG. GRACE GIVES JAMES A QUICK KISS ON THE LIPS.]
WILL: Hey. May I kiss the bride?
GRACE: Yes.
[GRACE TURNS AROUND TO KISS WILL. HE BRUSHES PAST HER AND GRABS JAMES. THEY EMBRACE AND KISS PASSIONATELY.]
[KAREN WALKS IN.]
KAREN: Mis-match!
[WILL TURNS AROUND AND SCOWLS AT KAREN.]