Episode #8.12
Original Airdate 1/19/2006
Written by Janis Hirsch
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Lily Tomlin (Margot)
Jamie Kaler (Gary)
Keeshan Giles (Counter Man)
SCENE I: The Corner Coffee Shop
[WILL AND KAREN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE HAVING A CUP OF COFFEE. WILL IS READING THE PAPER.]
WILL: This doesn't happen very often, does it? The two of us, just hanging out.
KAREN: I know. It's weird, isn't it?
WILL: [NODS] Mm.
KAREN: Let's make sure it never happens again.
WILL: Absolutely.
[GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: Hey, guys.
KAREN AND WILL: Oh, thank God!
[KAREN PUSHES OUT THE CHAIR NEXT TO HER AND PATS IT FOR GRACE TO SIT DOWN.]
[GRACE HANDS THE MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER SOME MONEY.]
GRACE: A large coffee.
[TURNS TO WILL AND KAREN.]
GRACE: Will. All of the charitable work you've been doing for the Coalition for Justice has inspired me. I have volunteered to decorate a nursing home in Brooklyn.
[THE COUNTER MAN HANDS GRACE HER MUG.]
GRACE: Thank you.
[GRACE SITS DOWN WITH WILL AND KAREN.]
GRACE: I realized I haven't done anything charitable since I helped feed the homeless.
WILL: You threw Skittles at a whino.
GRACE: He ate them, didn't he?
WILL: But seriously, I'm very proud of you. I'm glad you're volunteering.
KAREN: This is nice, isn't it? Just the three of us, hanging out.
JACK: Hey, guys.
KAREN: Oh, thank God! [SIGHS]
JACK: Nice day out, huh? [COUGHS WEAKLY.]
WILL: Well, I gotta take the subway to work. It's gonna take forever to get downtown, but I have to help my friend Bill. Bill of rights.
[WILL EXITS. JACK SITS DOWN IN HIS SEAT.]
JACK: Uh, maybe you didn't hear me, but I said: [COUGHS LOUDER.]
GRACE: Jack, are you okay?
JACK: I sick. With the Evian flu. I shared a bottle of Evian with a stranger at the gym.
KAREN: Honey, if you're sick, you should come stay at the manse for a couple of days. It'd be fun, I could take care of you. You know, chicken soup, and comfy blankets, and leeches. Hey, we could raid my collection of old movies of the week!
JACK: Oh, I love old movies of the week. Annie Potts is never better than when she's getting beaten up or someone's stealing one of her babies. Hey, Grace, you wanna come watch with us?
KAREN: Aw, that's too bad! Jackie, let's go!
[KAREN GRABS JACK BY THE HAND AND RUNS OUT OF THE COFFEE SHOP.]
[WILL'S FORMER BOSS, MARGOT, ENTERS THE COFFEE SHOP AND WALKS UP TO THE COUNTER MAN.]
MARGOT: Hector, I've only got five minutes before I have to get back to the office. I want what I had yesterday. I don't remember what it was, and you weren't working, but I want it anyway.
[GRACE WALKS UP TO MARGOT.]
GRACE: Hi. Margot, from Will's law firm, right?
MARGOT: Don't tell me. Grace Adler, interior designer. I remember, because you smelled like doll head. So, you can set your own budget. What do you say?
GRACE: About what?
MARGOT: Oh, sorry. I do this a lot. I rehearse conversations in my head and then I can't remember if I've actually had them or not. Listen, I want to redo the law firm. So, you can set your own budget? What do you say?
GRACE: Really? Wow. Oh, I just volunteered to, uh... You know what? I will get back to you by this afternoon.
MARGOT: I stopped loving you years ago.
GRACE: Excuse me?
MARGOT: Sorry. I'm having lunch with my husband later.
SCENE II: The Walker Penthouse
[JACK AND KAREN TURN THE CORNER INTO A LONG CORRIDOR. JACK IS IN HIS PAJAMAS, WRAPPED IN A BLANKET.]
JACK: Wow. I've never been in this part of the manse before.
KAREN: Oh. Well... [POINTING TO VARIOUS DOORS] That's the gift wrapping room, that's the meat locker, discotheque, car wash, and then...
[JACK AND KAREN WALK A LITTLE FURTHER INTO THE HALLWAY.]
KAREN: Down here we have liquor storage, liquor collectables, liquor dry goods, emergency liquors, and... candles. Dipped in liquor.
[JACK FOLLOWS KAREN INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY.]
KAREN: And, uh, I thought I'd set you up here, in Stan's library.
[KAREN MOTIONS TO THE DOOR TO THE LIBRARY. JACK TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT THE DOOR ACROSS THE HALL FROM THE LIBRARY.]
JACK: Where does this door go?
[KAREN STARES AT JACK.]
[JACK STARES BACK.]
KAREN: What door, honey?
JACK: [POINTING] This door.
KAREN: There's no door there. You need to get your eyes checked. Why don't you go see optometrist, ten doors down on the right, just past Spencer's Gifts. Go on.
[KAREN SWATS JACK ON THE BOTTOM AND POINTS DOWN THE HALLWAY.]
KAREN: This way...
JACK: Wait a minute. This is not one of those doors you open and then fall out the side of the building, is it?
KAREN: Of course it's not! Those are all marked "Door Sticks, Push Hard."
JACK: Come on, Karen, I wanna look behind the door!
KAREN: All right, I'll tell you. It's not that big of deal. It's just that... Well... That's... that's the forbidden room.
JACK: The what?
KAREN: [OMINOUSLY] The forbidden room.
JACK: Wow. So dramatic. The forbidden room. Reminds me of my nickname at camp... Forbidden Fruit.
[KAREN NODS.]
JACK: Unless I was in a sleeping bag, then it was Fruit Roll-Up.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
[GRACE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WORKING WHEN WILL ENTERS WITH THE MAIL.]
WILL: [LOOKING THROUGH THE MAIL] Okay, no more ordering from restaurants with cutesy names. You know, "Curry in a Hurry" I can deal with, but "Tapas Don't Preach"? That's just going too far.
GRACE: Will, really big news. You know your old boss, Margot? I ran into her this morning and she asked if I would redecorate the law firm.
[GRACE TAKES THE RESTAURANT FLYER MENU FROM WILL.]
WILL: I thought you were gonna do that job for the nursing home?
GRACE: I know, and I really wanted to do it, but I can't do both. And Margot said that the budget would be unlimited. Ha ha. The only thing unlimited at the nursing home was applesauce between two and four.
[GRACE SITS DOWN WITH THE MENU AND LOOKS IT OVER.]
WILL: I thought you said I inspired you to finally do something charitable with your life?
GRACE: Well, you did, and then it went away.
WILL: Do I have to remind you that I quit that heartless, money-grubbing, corporate law firm and now you're choosing it over sweet, elderly people who just want to live out the rest of their days with dignity? Nice.
GRACE: When you say it like that, I feel awful.
WILL: Well, you should, Grace. I was proud of you for doing something meaningful.
GRACE: You were?
WILL: Yes.
GRACE: Okay, I won't take the job. Okay? I finally committed to doing something charitable and I'm going to see it through.
[GRACE TAKES THE MENU AND WALKS OVER TO THE PHONE.]
WILL: That's my Grace. You're a good person. Just like Jake Gyllenhaal. I don't know, sometimes when I look at my screen saver, I think... "Yeah, you're thinking about me, too."
GRACE: You know, I used to feel that way about Sarah Jessica Parker. But then, we shared an elevator ride together and she poked me in the boob with an umbrella and didn't apologize.
WILL: Were you trying to hug her?
[GRACE BEGINS DIALING THE PHONE.]
GRACE: That's not important.
SCENE III: The Walker Penthouse, Stan's Library
[JACK IS LAYING ON A DIVAN WHILE KAREN SITS ON THE OTHER END. HE SETS A BOWL OF SOUP ON THE END TABLE.]
JACK: Thanks, Karen. Oh. B.T.W., I think I figured out what's in the forbidden room. It's my birthday present, isn't it?
KAREN: Damn it, Jack! You are just too smart.
JACK: Something I've been excused of many times.
[ROSARIO ENTERS.]
ROSARIO: Mr. Stan is upset. He can't fit in his skinny jeans.
KAREN: That man. He wakes up one morning, can see his feet and gets all cocky. [TO JACK] Now, you stay in bed and stop thinking about your present.
[KAREN EXITS. ROSARIO TURNS TO FOLLOW HER OUT--]
JACK: Hey, Rosie.
[JACK PATS THE EMPTY SPACE NEXT TO HIM FOR ROSARIO TO SIT DOWN.]
JACK: Hasta mañana.
[ROSARIO SITS DOWN NEXT TO JACK.]
JACK: So, we haven't talked in a while. How are you?
ROSARIO: Mm. Not so good. My uncle died suddenly--
JACK: I don't care. What did Karen get me for my birthday?
ROSARIO: Nothing yet, but she's looking at the LL Bean catalog. What size duck boot do you wear?
JACK: But, wait, if she didn't get me anything yet, what's she hiding in that room?
ROSARIO: What room?
JACK: You know. [QUIETLY] The forbidden room.
ROSARIO: I never heard of a room like that, and unless you want to get yourself killed, you haven't heard it either.
[ROSARIO STANDS UP.]
JACK: Rosie, wait--
ROSARIO: No, I've already said too much. Don't follow me.
[ROSARIO RUNS OUT.]
JACK: Oh, come on. You know you can't outrun me!
[JACK RUNS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY. ROSARIO IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.]
SCENE IV: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Break Room
[MARGOT AND GRACE ARE IN THE BREAK ROOM TALKING.]
MARGOT: I'm so pleased you decided to accept this job, Grace.
GRACE: I am, too. Yeah, I can do a nursing home anytime. It's just plastic ficas trees and rubber mats.
[MARGOT CHUCKLES.]
GRACE: Oh, but listen. If you need to call me, don't call me at home. Use the cell or the office, but not home. Never home.
MARGOT: You're hiding something. And I bet it's wickedly evil. You know, I belong to a secret club downtown that recruits young women--
GRACE: Oh, hey, wow. Great. Good, Margot. Let's, um, let's talk about what you want for your office. I'm not sure what you mean when you say "tasteful bloodbath."
[MARGOT AND GRACE EXIT THE BREAK ROOM.]
[WILL ENTERS THE BREAK FROM FROM THE OTHER DOOR, FOLLOWED BY HIS ASSOCIATE GARY. THEY WALK TO THE COFFEE MACHINE AND GET SOME COFFEE.]
GARY: So, Will, you quit your stupid charity job to come back to corporate law, huh? Didn't even tell Grace.
WILL: How do you know?
GARY: Well, whenever she calls you answer the phone, [WHINING] "The Coalition for Justice." What's the matter, Will? You ashamed you didn't save the world?
WILL: Hey. I'm still doing noble work. Now, come on. Let's get cracking. We have a power plant to defend against a very whiney elementary school.
[WILL AND GARY EXIT THE BREAK ROOM. GRACE ENTERS THE BREAK ROOM FROM THE OTHER DOOR.]
GRACE: I'll be right back, Margot.
[GRACE HURRIES OVER TO A BOX OF DONUTS. WILL RE-ENTERS AND QUICKLY GRABS A PACKET OF SUGAR AND THEN EXITS. HE DOESN'T SEE GRACE, WHO HAS HER FACE BURIED IN A BOX OF DONUTS.]
SCENE V: The Walker Penthouse
[JACK SNEAKS DOWN THE HALLWAY, LOOKING AROUND AND MAKING BIRD NOISES. HE HURRIES TO THE FORBIDDEN DOOR AND TRIES TO OPEN IT. IT'S LOCKED.]
JACK: [TO HIMSELF] What am I thinking? I have a bobby pin.
[JACK PULLS OUT A BOBBY PIN AND PUTS IT IN HIS HAIR.]
JACK: Oh, there. I can't do anything with hair in my face.
KAREN: Hey! What the hell are you doing by that door?! [GASPS] Look how pretty. I can finally see your face. Now, come on, honey. Let's get back in bed.
[KAREN TAKES JACK BY THE HAND AND LEADS HIM BACK INTO THE LIBRARY.]
KAREN: Why do you keep trying to spoil your birthday present?
JACK: Karen, I know the truth. Rosie spilled the beans.
[KAREN SIGHS.]
JACK: Then she told me there's no present in there. Now, I demand that you tell what's behind that door!
KAREN: Honey, I don't want you to know.
JACK: But, we're friends. We're not supposed to have secrets!
KAREN: Yeah, well guess what? We do. What's behind that door is none of your business!
JACK: Fine!
[JACK AND KAREN CROSS THEIR ARMS AND PLOP DOWN ONTO OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE DIVAN.]
JACK: You have a secret. I have to respect that. Truth is, I have a secret, too.
[JACK PULLS THE TWO END TABLES AND MOVES THEM IN FRONT OF KAREN.]
JACK: You're trapped! I'm going behind that door!
[JACK RUNS OUT OF THE LIBRARY.]
KAREN: Oh, my God, I am trapped! [LOOKS AROUND] Oh, I guess I can move these.
[KAREN PUSHES THE TABLE OUT OF THE WAY AND RUNS OUT OF THE LIBRARY AFTER JACK.]
KAREN: Jackie, no!
[IN THE HALLWAY, JACK IS PULLING AT THE DOOR KNOB AS KAREN JUMPS ONTO HIS BACK.]
JACK: Why are you so strong?! And Rosie so fast? What is this place?!
[JACK AND KAREN PULL THE DOOR KNOB OFF THE DOOR. KAREN GRABS IT FROM JACK.]
KAREN: Oh! Oh, great! My forbidden door knob. [SCOFFS]
JACK: All right, fine. You win. I'm too sick to fight. I won't go in your forbidden room.
[JACK LEANS AGAINST THE DOOR AND IT OPENS AND HE FALLS INTO THE ROOM.]
JACK'S VOICE: Oh, my God...
SCENE V: The Offices of Doucette and Stein
[GRACE AND MARGOT ARE WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAYS OUTSIDE THE BREAK ROOM.]
GRACE: And then I was thinking on the walls we could hang photographs from famous landmark cases, like, you know... um... Or we could just paint them mauve.
MARGOT: I know I've said this, like, a thousand times, but Grace, you remind me so much of my sister. They never found her killer.
GRACE: Thank you...? I'm gonna go get my, um, paint samples. Oh, no, I left them at home.
MARGOT: Oh, I'll swing by later. I'm having an affair with a guy on 73rd Street.
GRACE: No, you can't.
MARGOT: Why not? I'm not getting any at home.
GRACE: Uh, no, I mean, you can't come to my house. I-- I know this may sound strange, but I haven't told Will I'm working here.
MARGOT: I don't understand.
GRACE: You know how Will is working for the Coalition for Justice?
MARGOT: Really? He's working for the Coalition for Justice? It seems like only minutes ago I saw him in the break room.
GRACE: [SIGHS] I know. He's such a good person. Anyway... um... [SIGHS] I told him that I wasn't taking this job, so I'd prefer if we could keep it between us.
MARGOT: Of course. We're like sisters. You know, if one of us hadn't been murdered. Listen. Would you mind waiting here for me for a minute? There's something I need to check on.
[MARGOT GOES INSIDE THE BREAK ROOM. WILL AND GARY ARE STANDING BY THE COFFEE MAKER.]
MARGOT: [TO WILL] I need to talk to you. Gary, get back to your hole.
[GARY EXITS THE BREAK ROOM.]
MARGOT: Will, you are aware that I offered Grace a job, weren't you?
WILL: Oh, yeah, she couldn't take it.
MARGOT: Oh, why not? Do you know?
WILL: Yeah, she volunteered to redecorate a nursing home.
MARGOT: Oh.
WILL: She's such a good person.
MARGOT: You both are. Wait here, I wanna show you something.
WILL: Sure, Margot.
SCENE VI: The Walker Penthouse, The Forbidden Room
[JACK IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DARK ROOM.]
JACK: This is unbelievable.
[KAREN SIGHS AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT. IT'S A NURSERY.]
JACK: A baby's room? Why do you have a baby's room?
KAREN: I don't want to talk about it. You've seen, now let's get out of here!
JACK: But, Karen, you can tell me anything.
KAREN: No!
JACK: Please.
KAREN: All right, you've worn me down! Remember a few years ago, when I thought I was pregnant? [SIGHS] Well, before I found out it was a false alarm, I had this room turned into a nursery. I haven't been in it since.
JACK: Karen, you want a baby...
KAREN: No, I don't! I don't know... Sometimes I do think about how sweet it would be to see my child smear on my makeup and teeter around in my high heels. [CHUCKLES] And if it was a girl, that'd be okay, too.
JACK: Aww....
KAREN: See! Now that's why I didn't want to tell you. Because I didn't want to have to see that pity puss.
JACK: Karen, I don't pity you.
KAREN: Yes, you do. "Poor little rich girl, wants the one thing she'll never have." It's so Farrah Fawcett in Poor Little Rich Girl or Meredith Baxter Birney in The One Thing She'll Never Have.
JACK: Karen, I think you're being too hard on yourself. Like Joanna Kerns in Too Hard on Herself.
KAREN: Maybe. But, come on, Jackie. What kind of mother would I make? I'm impatient, I'm selfish, I mean... Can I really take care of another human being? I'm not exactly the maternal type.
JACK: But, Karen-- [COUGHS]
KAREN: You do not sound good. Come here...
[KAREN SITS DOWN IN A ROCKER AND PULLS JACK TO HER. JACK KNEELS DOWN NEXT TO HER AS SHE FEELS HIS FOREHEAD.]
KAREN: Oh, for Pete's sake, you're burning up.
[JACK LEANS HIS HEAD ON KAREN'S LAP AS SHE HOLDS HIS HEAD AND RUBS HIS BACK.]
KAREN: Now you get your keister back into bed, young man. [SINGING] Hush, little gay boy, don't you cry...
SCENE VII: The Offices of Doucette and Stein
[GRACE AND MARGOT ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE BREAK ROOM.]
MARGOT: Grace, um, will you step into the break room for a minute?
GRACE: Sure.
MARGOT: I'll be right in. I think you will find something to keep you occupied. I guess that's only funny to me right now.
[INSIDE THE BREAK ROOM... WILL IS SITTING AT A TABLE WITH A CUP OF COFFEE. HE OPENS A CREAMER AND IT SPILLS ALL OVER HIM.]
WILL: Oh, crap.
[WILL GRABS A NAPKIN AND BENDS DOWN TO WIPE HIS PANTS OFF.]
[GRACE ENTERS. SHE NOTICES ONE OF HER FABRIC SAMPLES BY THE TABLE. SHE KNEELS DOWN UNDER THE TABLE TO PICK IT UP.]
WILL: There you go.
GRACE: Oh, thank you.
WILL AND GRACE: Aah!
WILL AND GRACE: What are you doing here?!
WILL AND GRACE: Are you working here?!
WILL AND GRACE: You lied to me!
[GRACE HITS HER HEAD ON THE TABLE WHEN SHE TRIES TO STAND UP.]
GRACE: Ow!
[WILL AND GRACE STAND UP.]
GRACE: Me?! How long have you been working here and why didn't you tell me?
WILL: I was going to, eventually... like, when we're old and living in that nursing home you're supposed to be decorating.
GRACE: Oh, don't make this about me.
WILL: [SIGHS] I really wanted to tell you... I just... You were so proud of me. You know, and I made a big deal of doing charity work. But, Grace... That office... It smelled like soy cheese and Raid. And, I'm sorry to disappoint you. And maybe it makes me a bad person, but I like doing corporate law. And I love doing it someplace pretty.
GRACE: I know you do. You could never disappoint me. You know what? I'm gonna make your office super pretty.
WILL: Yeah, about that....
GRACE: Okay, fine, I took the job. And I didn't tell you because blah blah blah, disappoint you, blah blah, guilt, blah blah, old people freak me out, blah blah. Sorry.
WILL: Aw, that was beautiful. If I'd known we were going to do blah blah's, I could have done that speech a whole lot shorter.
GRACE: Never go first, Will.
WILL: Yeah.
WILL: Grace?
GRACE: Yeah, baby?
WILL: What the hell are you wearing?
SCENE VIII: The Walker Penthouse, Nursery
[KAREN AND JACK STAND UP.]
JACK: Hey, Karen. Sorry. I should have minded my own business.
KAREN: No, no, no, no. Honey, forget about it. I'm glad you made me come in here. Yeah. I think I'm finally ready to let go. You know what? I'm gonna turn this room into something practical. Like liquor storage. We just do not have the space.
JACK: Hey, you know, just a thought, Kare... but maybe you should keep it like this for a while.
KAREN: Well, yeah. Maybe I will. You know. Just for a little while.
[JACK EXITS THE ROOM. KAREN STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND. AS SHE BEGINS TO CRY, SHE TURNS OFF THE LIGHT AND CLOSES THE DOOR.]
SCENE IX: The Offices of Doucette and Stein
[WILL AND GRACE ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE IN THE BREAK ROOM.]
WILL: Back to my office. I want it-- I want it to look masculine.
GRACE: Then stay out of it.
[MARGOT ENTERS.]
MARGOT: Good, you've worked it out. On company time. Really, what kind of relationship do you to have that you can't be honest with each other? It's disgraceful.
[MARGOT'S CELL PHONE RINGS.]
MARGOT: [ANSWERING PHONE] Margot. Oh hello, dear. [WHISPERS TO WILL AND GRACE] My husband.
MARGOT: [INTO PHONE] Yes, yes. Florida's beautiful. In fact, I'm in the water right now.
[MARGOT PICKS UP A BOTTLE OF WATER AND SHAKES IT IN FRONT OF THE PHONE AS SHE WALKS OUT OF THE BREAK ROOM.]