Episode #8.03
Original Airdate 10/13/2005
Written by Greg Malins
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Alec Baldwin (Malcolm)
Andy Richter (Dale)
Robert Kariakin (Waiter)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[GRACE IS SITTING ON THE SOFA READING A MAGAZINE WHEN WILL ENTERS. HE JUST GOT BACK FROM JOGGING.]
GRACE: Can you believe this? Now they're saying chewing tobacco's bad for you.
WILL: Now? What are you reading?
[WILL LEANS IN TO LOOK AT THE COVER OF GRACE'S MAGAZINE.]
WILL: Sunset Magazine from 1982?
GRACE: Stole it from the doctor's office. You make me wait, I take something.
WILL: Yeah, well, that would explain the model of a uterus on your credenza.
[WILL WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN TO GET A BOTTLE OF WATER.]
WILL: Since when do you care about chewing tobacco?
GRACE: I was thinking of taking it up. I like a light buzz and I like to spit. It just makes sense.
[JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: Hi, Grace.
[JACK WALKS IN FRONT OF THE SOFA TO WALK OVER TO WILL. GRACE'S FEET ARE IN THE WAY. SHE DOESN'T MOVE, SO JACK GOES AROUND THE SOFA.]
JACK: Will. Would you say I have a swimmer's body?
WILL: Unless it's in a trunk in your closet, I'd say no.
GRACE: Oh, hey, Jane Fonda has an exercise video coming out.
JACK: They're opening a new pool at the gym, Will. Come on, you should come with. It's full of cuties. It's like a hot guy soup. Well, except between 12:00 and 1:00, when Paul Sorvino does laps.
WILL: I don't really like to swim.
GRACE: Ugh, I never swim in pools. They're filled with pee.
WILL: That's ridiculous. It's an adult gym. Adults don't pee in the pool.
GRACE: [SCOFFS] Okay.
JACK: Come on, Will, it'll be fun.
WILL: I don't want to, okay?
JACK: Wait a minute... I've known you for 17 years. I don't think I've ever seen you swim.
GRACE: I don't think I've ever seen you smim either.
JACK: [GASPS] Oh my God!
WILL: It's no big deal, okay? I just ever learned--
JACK: You've got a hairpiece!
[JACK PULLS ON WILL'S HAIR (IT'S REAL).]
WILL: Ow! I don't know to swim, okay?
GRACE: How... How do I not know that?
WILL: I had a traumatic experience when I was a kid. I fell in the neighbor's pool. And my mom couldn't jump in, 'cause... 'Cause she just got her hair done. So stuck out her foot but her mule came off in hand. Finally, she leaned over to pull me out, spilled her Manhattan my eyes, and said, "Oh, I give up."
JACK: William Truman! You are a 57-year-old man! You should learn to swim.
WILL: You know what? I should. You're right, it's the time in my life where I should be facing up to my fears. I'm gonna swim, I'm gonna drink out a public fountain, and I'm gonna read an Ethan Hawke novel.
[KAREN ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]
KAREN: [TO JACK] Hey, J. [TO WILL AND GRACE] Hey, Wag.
GRACE: Wag?
KAREN: Will and Grace: WaG.
WILL: Just glad my name isn't Frank.
KAREN: [TO GRACE] So, honey, guess what? I setting you up on a blind date with me and Malcolm. So, she what needs shaving and... boil the rest.
GRACE: I'm not really interested in a blind date.
KAREN: Come on, honey, it could be so much fun.
JACK: You should go, Grace. It'd be good for you to go out with a guy who could curl your toes instead of your hair.
GRACE: You know what? I should. I need some space from you gays. Come on, Will, we're shaving my legs.
[GRACE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.]
KAREN: Yay! This is gonna make my boyfriend so happy!
WILL: Aren't you a little "mature" to be referring to someone as your boyfriend?
KAREN: At least I can swim, jackass.
[KAREN EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE II: A Restaurant
[GRACE AND HER BLIND DATE, DALE, ARE SITTING ACROSS FROM KAREN AND MALCOLM. KAREN AND MALCOLM ARE KISSING PASSIONATELY.]
KAREN: Whoo! Mmmm!
[KAREN LAYS ON TOP OF MALCOLM, STILL KISSING.]
DALE: [TO GRACE] Their passion reminds me of a poem I once wrote. It goes like this: "A kiss is a key the soul. To the curious mind, a wonderful forever."
GRACE: Uh, a poem has to rhyme. Like, "There once was a man from Nantucket... Something, something, something, suck it."
[KAREN AND MALCOLM STOP KISSING FOR A SECOND. KAREN LOOKS UP.]
KAREN: [TO GRACE AND DALE] So you kids having a good time?
GRACE: Oh, Karen, hi. I didn't recognize you without Malcolm's tongue punching through the back of your head.
[KAREN SITS UP IN HER CHAIR.]
[DALE STANDS UP.]
DALE: [TO GRACE] Well, Grace, since you like things that rhyme. Although you are a lovely date, please excuse me while I urinate.
[DALE LEAVES TO USE THE RESTROOM.]
MALCOLM: You know, Grace, I do hope we're sitting in the smoking section because the sparks are flying between you and the D man.
SCENE III: The Pool
[JACK AND WILL ENTER THE GYM AND WALK UP TO THE POOL.]
JACK: Swimming fact, "Speedo" is French for "maximum package exposure."
WILL: So, uh, where's my swimming instructor?
JACK: Uh, I'll give you a hint. He's the sexiest guy in the room.
WILL: Mmm.
JACK: Okay? And it's me, all right?
WILL: Oh! See you later.
JACK: Wait a minute, where are you going?
WILL: I'm not letting you teach me how to swim! I'd sooner catch a ride home with Billy Joel!
JACK: Will, I can teach you. Just like I taught you how to trim around your nipples so your hair doesn't look like crazy eyelashes.
WILL: Yeah, after you put mascara on them!
JACK: Did they or did they not pop? Come on, Will. You said you wanted to learn.
WILL: Alright, I'll do it. But promise me you will not make me look stupid.
[A LITTLE BIT LATER...]
[WILL AND JACK ARE WAIST-DEEP IN THE POOL. THEY ARE FACING EACH OTHER HOLDING HANDS, HOPPING UP AND DOWN.]
JACK: And jump and jump and down. And jump and jump and down. And jump and jump and down...
SCENE IV: The Restaurant
[GRACE, DALE, KAREN AND MALCOLM ARE ENJOYING AN APPETIZER.]
MALCOLM: Now, that is a heck of a scallop. Boy, it's so nice to be eating with a fork rather than jamming it into some guy's neck. [LAUGHS] I'm kidding! I'm a government accountant. Why would I kill that guy in Budapest?
KAREN: You know, I like having a couple friend. Let's do this every Friday! It'll be our thing. I'm sure that traffic school can get along without me.
GRACE: Well, there's just two little problems with that. Um, first, it's Tuesday. And second, I would hardly call Dale and I couple.
DALE: Yeah, Grace hardly knows me.
MALCOLM: Oh, that's because you're too modest. If I were compiling a CIA file on Dale, and I'm not, the first page would read that Dale is a piano tuner with a nifty rent-controlled apartment in Staten Island. And from a distance two blocks, naked, he resembles a young Charles Bronson.
GRACE: Um, Karen would you mind coming to the ladies' room with me?
KAREN: Oh, honey, I don't really have to--
[GRACE STANDS UP AND GRABS KAREN'S ARM AND PULLS HER UP.]
GRACE: You do now. [TO DALE AND MALCOLM] Excuse us.
[GRACE PULLS KAREN OVER TO THE BAR AREA AWAY FROM THE TABLE.]
KAREN: Grace, what are you... Hey, you're right. Maybe I could make a little sissy.
GRACE: Get over here. How could you think that this guy is right for me?
KAREN: What's wrong with him?
GRACE: He's totally wrong for me.
KAREN: Ok, Grace. I am gonna tell you something that I was saving for your eulogy. [SIGHS] You... are a snob.
GRACE: I am not a snob. How could you say that? Every guy has a chance with me. The unattractive, the unemployed, the "lives with mom." Everyone welcome.
KAREN: All right. Well, all I saw was a snob sitting there with a vinegar puss acting like nothing he said was good enough for her. Honestly, Grace, I thought you were better than that.
MALCOLM: Girls? D-train here has a great idea. Dinner tomorrow night at his place on Staten Island, the Riviera of New York Harbor. Did you know the Richmond Hill landfill is the highest elevation on the Eastern Seaboard?
DALE: Yeah, you can see it from my living room window.
KAREN: Well, I think it sounds fantastic. But I don't know if Princess Grace over here will be up for dinner at a landfill.
GRACE: Actually, it sounds wonderful. I love a good meal, and I love a good dump.
SCENE V: The Pool
[WILL AND JACK ARE IN THE DEEP END, HOLDING ON TO THE SIDE OF THE POOL.]
JACK: Okay. Now, let go of the wall and lean back and I'll support you.
WILL: You sure you got me?
JACK: Yes, I got one hand on your head and the other on your upper ass beard.
[WILL BEGINS TO LEAN BACK.]
JACK: Okay.
WILL: [NERVOUSLY] Wait, wait, where are you hands? I can't feel 'em!
JACK: They're right here.
WILL: [PANICKING] Put 'em back!
[WILL BEGINS FLAILING AND SPLASHING ABOUT AND JACK PUSHES HIM BACK TO THE WALL.]
JACK: Will, what is your problem?!
WILL: Nothing, I'm fine. I just want-- I just want to go home. And I think I swallowed a band-aid.
[WILL GETS OUT OF THE POOL.]
JACK: Will, you're being ridiculous! [LOOKING DOWN AT HIS ARM] Where's my band-aid?
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
[LATER THAT NIGHT. WILL IS IN THE KITCHEN COOKING WHEN JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: Well, someone made a scene at the pool today.
WILL: I was upset.
JACK: No, I'm talking about me. After you left, I jumped in the pool without looking and ended up riding Paul Sorvino for half a lap. Are you okay? You left kinda fast.
WILL: I'm fine. I'm just-- I was just scared.
JACK: Well, you're gonna do better tomorrow. I got us access to the kickboard shed. Don't even ask me how I pulled that off. Let's just say I had to pull something off. [UNDER HIS BREATH] Bathing suit.
WILL: Yeah, you know what? Actually, I, uh, I decided I don't wanna learn to swim.
JACK: What?
[THE PHONE RINGS.]
JACK: Oh, don't answer that. That might be the kickboard guy. I gave him your number 'cause he sounded kinda dangerous, but I didn't wanna be rude.
[THE PHONE RINGS.]
[THE ANSWERING MACHINE PICKS UP.]
OUTGOING MESSAGE: [WILL'S VOICE] It's Will. [GRACE'S VOICE] And Grace. [WILL'S VOICE] You can call us "Wag." Get it? [GRACE'S VOICE] Leave a message. [BEEP]
[JACK TURNS AND LOOKS AT WILL.]
WILL: I decided was cute.
JACK: [SHAKING HIS HEAD] It's not.
MESSAGE: Hi, Will, this is Adam from the pool. Just wanted to confirm our lesson for 6:00 tomorrow. Remember, no checks.
JACK: Wait a minute, what was that? I thought you said you were done with swimming.
WILL: I know I just said that, but--
JACK: You said you didn't wanna take any more lessons. Or you didn't wanna take them from me.
WILL: Jack...
JACK: You don't trust me.
WILL: Look, you're my best friend and I love you. But you're not exactly reliable. I mean, I wanna learn from someone that I know is gonna be there to pull me out of the pool. Not someone that puts diving rings around his neck and pretends he's a woman from Kenya.
JACK: But how could you think I would ever let anything bad happen to you?
WILL: Jack, I do trust you.
JACK: Just not with the big things. You know it's a real shame, Will. Because you trusted me with the biggest thing in your life and I didn't let you down then.
WILL: What are you talking about?
JACK: You were terrified to come out of the closet. And who was the one who held your hand, fixed your hair, and promised you everything was gonna be okay?
WILL: You.
JACK: Yeah, that's right.
[JACK LEAVES THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE VII: Dale's House on Staten Island
[DALE OPENS THE DOOR FOR GRACE.]
DALE: Hey, Grace.
GRACE: Hey.
DALE: You're the first one here.
GRACE: Oh, Karen and Malcolm aren't here? Did they call? Are they close?
DALE: Yeah, any minute.
GRACE: Oh, well, we're fine alone. Did you hear a car door slam?
[GRACE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW.]
GRACE: Oh, oh, and-- Wow, there's the landfill. It's very... uh, It's very beautiful all lit up.
DALE: It's not lit up. The hot part just broke through the retardant foam.
GRACE: Neat. Pretty sure I didn't wanna have kids anyway.
DALE: I'm really happy you're here, Grace. I've been looking forward this all day.
GRACE: Oh, me too. Can you just tell me when it's 8:30? 'Cause I have to be home by 9:00.
DALE: For what?
GRACE: Oh, I have a-- a sick rabbit. I've gotta put, uh, drops his ears every five hours. You know, and I just did it at...
[GRACE THINKS FOR A BIT...]
GRACE: 4:00?
[THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.]
DALE: That's Malcolm and Karen. Oh, darn it. I was gonna lay some plastic down on the couch.
[DALE OPENS THE DOOR. KAREN AND MALCOLM ENTER. THEY ARE ARGUING.]
KAREN: You are chewing on my last nerve, froggy!
MALCOLM: You are eight feet of pain in the ass stuffed into a four-foot sack. How hard is it to read a map?!
KAREN: I don't need a freakin' map to go to Staten Island! I think I've done that a few hundred times! You take the Lincoln Tunnel to the Turnpike, hit the Verrazano, get off at Exit 11, and go straight Victory Boulevard.
MALCOLM: That's if you wanna go through New Jersey, dumbbell. [TO GRACE] Hi, Grace. Nice eye shadow.
[MALCOLM KISSES GRACE ON THE LIPS.]
KAREN: I'm not gonna drive all the way to Staten Island without picking up some sweet Jersey cider, you slack-jawed Irish moose!
KAREN: [SWEETLY TO DALE] Hey, Dale. Baked you a pumpkin loaf.
[KAREN GIVES MALCOLM A SMALL LOAF WRAPPED IN A RIBBON.]
DALE: Oh, thanks.
MALCOLM: Man, am I steamed. I'm going for walk.
KAREN: I'm going for a walk too. And don't you dare take Nome Avenue! Because I am going there, taking a left on Lewiston, a sharp right on Richmond, and then it dead ends at Fiorelli's Pizza.
MALCOLM: It's not a dead end, it's a T!
[KAREN AND MALCOLM EXIT.]
GRACE: Wow.
DALE: I didn't have the heart to tell her that Fiorelli's closed down and that area is now pretty "gangy."
GRACE: Oh. [LAUGHS]
[GRACE NOTICES A CHAIR.]
GRACE: Oh, my God, I just realized... This is a peace sign.
DALE: Yeah.
GRACE: Wow. That is a really good chair. Where did you get it?
DALE: Amsterdam. Yeah, I love to travel. Although I usually spend all my time in the hotel watching TV and ordering room service.
GRACE: Well, yeah. Why else go to foreign countries? You can watch MTV in funny languages and see what their Coke tastes like.
DALE: I thought was the only one who did that.
GRACE: No, I'm a huge Coke fiend.
[GRACE REALIZES WHAT SHE JUST SAID.]
GRACE: Uh...
DALE: You know, Grace... there is a good chance that they're not gonna make it back alive... So, uh... if you wanna go, there's no hard feelings.
GRACE: You know what? Um, I'd like to stay, if that's okay.
DALE: I wish you would. 'Cause I made... "fould". I was trying to me it rhyme.
SCENE VIII: The Pool
[JACK IS STANDING BY THE POOL STRETCHING WHEN WILL ENTERS.]
JACK: Oh, well look who it is, Mark Spitz-in-my-face. You here to meet your new instructor?
WILL: I am, actually. I'm really excited. He's really good looking, a great teacher. And I trust him with my life.
JACK: Well, where is he? I'd like to meet him.
WILL: I'm standing with him right now.
JACK: I'm not stupid, Will. You're alone.
WILL: It's you, Jack. I'm so sorry about what I said. I was dead wrong.
JACK: Really?
WILL: Yes. You've been saving my life since day I met you. And I don't know how I missed that.
JACK: I don't either. It's clear as the face around your mole.
WILL: Can I get another lesson?
JACK: Sure, let's go.
[JACK AND WILL TAKE OFF THEIR SHIRTS AND GET IN THE POOL.]
SCENE IX: Dale's House
[GRACE AND DALE ARE FINISHING UP DINNER.]
GRACE: Oh, my God. This was so delicious. I've been living with a gay guy for so long, I forgot what the skin of a chicken tastes like. [SIGHS]
DALE: Thank you. Yeah, once I took the skin of a raw chicken and I rolled it in butter and breadcrumbs, fried it up and ate alone in my bathroom.
GRACE: Mister, I could really fall for you.
[MALCOLM ENTERS CARRYING KAREN, BOTH LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
MALCOLM: Hey, you two! We are back!
[MALCOLM PUTS KAREN DOWN.]
KAREN: Whoo!
MALCOLM: And I love this girl.
[MALCOLM KISSES KAREN.]
KAREN: And I wuv this guy. [PUSHES MALCOLM'S NOSE] Beep.
MALCOLM: Funniest darn thing. You know, the two of us, we're stubborn as mules. So when we leave this apartment, we both make a beeline for Fiorelli's.
KAREN: Turns out it's now a burned-out building that's very important to the Latin Kings.
MALCOLM: Yeah. So, she looks at me, I look at her. The Latin Kings look at us. And I tuck her under my arm and off we go.
KAREN: Now, I told him to go down Arden Street--
MALCOLM: And I'm thinking McKinley must be quicker. But, I bit my tongue and wouldn't you know, she was right.
KAREN: Let's never fight again.
MALCOLM: Make that a promise, baby.
[MALCOLM AND KAREN KISS.]
MALCOLM: [TO DALE] Dale, you got any Orangina? I'm kind of in that mood.
DALE: Uh, yeah. Except I don't have any ice. The water here doesn't freeze. Although it fills you up like a bucket of KFC.
[DALE AND MALCOLM WALK INTO THE KITCHEN.]
KAREN: [TO GRACE] Ah, great night, huh, honey?
GRACE: You know, I'm having a really good time. I was being a snob. Dale is funny and sweet and cooks with real butter. And I think I'm going to see him again.
KAREN: I'm proud of you, Grace.
[MALCOLM AND DALE RETURN.]
MALCOLM: [TO GRACE] Hey, Grace. Nice eye shadow.
[MALCOLM KISSES GRACE ON THE LIPS.]
MALCOLM: Did you ever hear Dale play the piano?
GRACE: Uh, no. No, I haven't.
MALCOLM: Dale?
GRACE: It's not--it isn't gonna be classical, is it?
[DALE SITS DOWN AT THE PIANO.]
DALE: Oh, God, no. Strictly show tunes and top 20.
GRACE: [CLAPPING] Yeeee!
[DALE BEGINS PLAYING STEPHEN SONDHEIM'S "BEING ALIVE" ON THE PIANO.]
GRACE: Oh, I love this song.
[GRACE STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO THE PIANO.]
GRACE: [SINGING BADLY] Someone to hold me too close...
[MALCOLM'S EYES WIDEN AND KAREN WINCES.]
GRACE: [SINGING] Someone to hurt me too deep/Someone to sit in my chair/And ruin my sleep
GRACE: [SINGING] And make me aware of being alive/Being alive
GRACE: [SINGING] Beeeiiinn--
[DALE STOPS PLAYING]
GRACE: What?
DALE: Ah, I just noticed the time. It's getting pretty late.
[DALE WALKS OVER TO THE TABLE AND BEGINS PICKING UP THE DISHES.]
GRACE: It's 8:30.
DALE: Yeah, I was kind of hoping to be in bed by 9:00.
GRACE: Wait a minute, is this because of my singing? Because you live in Statin Island. On a landfill.
DALE: You know, I've learned to live with the smell. But I'll never get that sound out of my ears.
GRACE: You... You're a snob.
[GRACE PICKS UP HER SWEATER AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.]
GRACE: And I can too sing. [SINGING OFF-KEY] Isn't it rich, aren't we a pair...
[GRACE EXITS.]
MALCOLM: I'm sorry, Dale, I had no idea.
KAREN: Well, this has been such fun. Malcolm, darling, would you please turn the car around?
[MALCOLM AND KAREN EXIT.]
MALCOLM: Why? We're turning left on Richmond.
KAREN: We're turning right!
SCENE X: The Pool
[WILL AND JACK WALK OVER TO THE EDGE OF THE POOL.]
JACK: You know this is the deep end?
WILL: I know. You'll be there.
[WILL AND JACK HOLD HANDS. WILL TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]
JACK: Okay. One... Two... Jump!
[WILL AND JACK JUMP INTO THE POOL.]
[JACK POPS UP OUT OF THE WATER. WILL IS OFF SCREEN.]
JACK: See, Will, that wasn't so bad. Oh, look, you've already taught yourself the dead man's float! OOH!
[JACK SWIMS OFF CAMERA TO WILL.]