Episode #7.09
Original Airdate 11/18/2004
Written by Gail Lerner
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Victor Garber (Peter)
John Ducey (Jamie)
Sam Pancake (Jimmy)
Rip Taylor (Himself)
Deborah Carson (Margaret)
SCENE I: A Rental SUV
[WILL IS IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT, WITH GRACE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. JACK AND KAREN ARE SITTING IN THE BACK SEAT. THE CAR IS RUNNING, BUT THEY ARE NOT MOVING.]
GRACE: Thanks again for taking me away this weekend. This is exactly what I needed to get my mind off my anniversary.
WILL: Well, that's what we're gonna do. In fact, for the rest of the weekend, let's just not mention the words "Leo", "marriage", "anniversary" or "ointment".
GRACE: Ointment?
WILL: I just hate that word.
JACK: All right, just so we're clear, Will... Are we allowed to mention the message Leo left that may or may not have said he was gonna meet Grace on the rooftop of the Peninsula Hotel to possibly rekindle the love they once had ointment?
WILL: Let's just say for you, all words are off limits.
KAREN: You know, honey the same policy with my staff. They are not allowed to say insurance, fair wage, can I have Christmas off to visit my children? Or ointment. That one sticks in my craw too.
JACK: Ooh... Ooh, I'm vibrating. Which means I have a text message on my vibrator.
[JACK PULLS OUT HIS CELL PHONE. HE FLIPS IT OPEN AND OPENS THE TEXT MESSAGE.]
JACK: Let's see... [READING THE MESSAGE] "All Out TV executives should come up with an idea for a network promo." Hmmm. "It needs to send a positive message to the gay community."
GRACE: So it's saying your promo needs to be pro 'mo.
[GRACE LAUGHS LOUDLY AT HER JOKE AND SNORTS.]
JACK: [SIGHS] Gay puns don't work on you, dear. No.
[JACK BEGINS KEYING A REPLY TO THE MESSAGE ON HIS PHONE.]
JACK: "No problem. My promo will be... pro 'mo."
[JACK AND KAREN LAUGH.]
KAREN: [LAUGHING] Jack. [LAUGHING] That was hilarious. [TO WILL] Driver, turn the heat up! There's a little nip in the air.
[KAREN LOOKS DOWN HER BLOUSE.]
KAREN: Oh, make that two of 'em.
JACK: Forget about the heat. What about this traffic? It's so annoying! We haven't moved in a half hour. Let's go!
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on. Let's forget the traffic and the cold. The important thing is, we're all here for Grace. Screw this crap. Let's get outta here.
[JACK AND KAREN GET OUT OF THE CAR AND WALK AWAY.]
GRACE: Turn off the air condition and put on the heat.
WILL: Now, let's pull out of this parking spot and hit the road!
[WILL PUTS THE CAR IN DRIVE AND PULLS AWAY.]
SCENE II: The Peninsula Hotel Lobby, Manhattan
[KAREN AND JACK ENTER THE LOBBY OF THE PENINSULA HOTEL.]
KAREN: Jackie, I just wanna stop in here for a second. I have to use the bathroom.
[KAREN AND JACK WALK UP TO THE COUNTER. THE HOTEL MANAGER, MARGARET, IS BEHIND THE COUNTER.]
MARGARET: Welcome to the Peninsula Hotel. May I help you?
KAREN: Yes, I'd like a suite please.
JACK: What are you talking about? I thought you said you had to go to the bathroom.
KAREN: I do.
[KAREN GIVES A CREDIT CARD TO MARGARET.]
KAREN: Make sure the toilet has a park view.
[A DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN ENTERS THE LOBBY. HE'S DRESSED IN A TRENCH COAT. HE WALKS PAST JACK AND KAREN AND JACK RECOGNIZES HIM.]
JACK: Oh, my God, Karen, look. Oh, my God. Look who it is. It's that guy from commercial years ago, remember? He used to dress in a devil outfit and sit on people's shoulders and offer them cocoa in a can. He--he used to say "It's sinfully delicious."
KAREN: The Cocoa Devil! Honey, he's the one you should ask to be in your promo. He's the perfect mid-level-celebrity-nobody for your mid-level-nothing cable network.
JACK: Gee, Karen, I don't know. I mean, you just can't go up to somebody like that. He's obviously very successful. He's staying in a five star hotel.
MARGARET: [TO KAREN] Your suite's ready.
[MARGARET TAPS THE DESK BELL TWICE. PETER, JACK'S SINFULLY DELICIOUS CELEBRITY, WALKS BACK INTO THE LOBBY. HE'S DRESSED IN A BELL-HOP UNIFORM.]
PETER: Oh, happy day, Margaret. I see your bell's fixed.
JACK: [TO PETER] Oh, my God. You're a bellboy? But you're a great actor. You belong on Broadway.
PETER: I will be. This week I'm picking up a brunch shift at the Times Square Howard Johnson's.
KAREN: That's funny. I once picked up something from a Howard Johnson I met in Times Square. [SNAPS HER FINGERS] That's why I hate the word "ointment".
SCENE III: A Hotel Room in The Berkshires, Massachusetts
[WILL AND GRACE ARE SITTING ON ONE OF THE BEDS IN THE HOTEL ROOM, WATCHING THE TELEVISION.]
GRACE: Hey, look, this has a video of all the stuff we can do here. Ah. Look at this one of the moon reflecting off the lake. It's gorgeous.
WILL: Wait, the moon's reflecting off the lake. I can't see the TV.
[WILL GETS UP AND CLOSES THE DRAPES AND LAYS BACK DOWN ON THE BED WITH GRACE.]
WILL: God, it's so great to get out of the city and just appreciate nature.
GRACE: Yeah, watching all this fresh air can really build up an appetite. Come on. Let's order room service.
[GRACE PICKS UP THE GUEST SERVICES BOOK.]
WILL: Oh, I think we can do a little bit better than room service. Check that menu. I don't think you'll find an herb chevre and caramelized onion panini.
GRACE: Oh, a new special from Chez Gay!
[WILL STANDS UP AND WALKS TO THE LUGGAGE.]
WILL: Yeah, I put 'em in your bag just before we left. I woulda put 'em in my bag, but your bag already smelled like cheese.
[GRACE JUMPS UP.]
GRACE: I'll get it.
WILL: No, no, no, I'll get--
[WILL REACHES INTO GRACE'S BAG AND PULLS OUT THE ANSWERING MACHINE.]
WILL: Oh, that's curious. This bread is as hard as our answering machine.
GRACE: How did that get in there? [SCOFFS] Every time I reach for my keys, I always grab an appliance.
WILL: Grace.
GRACE: Okay, I-I just wanted to see if I could... get clear on what Leo was saying.
WILL: What are you expecting to hear? That he's actually gonna be on that rooftop at 9:00 tomorrow night? Fine. Let's say that he is gonna be there. Then what?
GRACE: What do you mean?
WILL: Do you wanna go meet him? I mean, you could've gotten back with him any time in the last six months, but you didn't. So what's changed?
GRACE: Nothing.
WILL: Nothing's changed.
GRACE: You're right.
WILL: I am. Because the romance and the moonlight and the anniversary don't make a bit of difference.
GRACE: I know. It's just--you know, the sound of his voice just was really-- I don't know, it just instantly brought me back to... No. No, no. I am not gonna get sucked back into this again. You're right. You know what? I'm gonna get rid of this message right now.
[GRACE TAKES THE ANSWERING MACHINE. SHE OPENS THE WINDOW AND THROWS IT OUTSIDE.]
WILL: Hey! You didn't have to throw it out!
GRACE: Yeah, well, you didn't have to throw out the blender just 'cause there was a spider in it.
WILL: It hissed and adopted an attack posture!
GRACE: You hissed and adopted an attack posture. Don't worry. We'll get a new machine.
WILL: It won't be the same. I was saving a message from Vince. Now all the swans in the lake are gonna know he calls me "fluffer-nutter".
SCENE IV: The Out TV Television Studio
PETER: Wow, a gay network. 20 years ago, the closest we had was "Cagney and Lacey".
JACK: Well, let me tell you, we've come a long way. Now there's an entire network devoted to reruns of "Cagney and Lacey".
[JACK'S CO-WORKER, JIMMY, ENTERS AND WLAKS UP TO JACK.]
JIMMY: Hey, Jack.
JACK: Ah, Jimmy. [TO PETER] He's my arch nemesissy.
JIMMY: Did you hear the good news? I found the perfect spokesman for Out TV.
PETER: Oh, dear, is there a pay phone around? I need to call Ho-Jo's and get back on the sub list.
JACK: [TO JIMMY] Actually, I already found someone. It's the Sinfully Delicious Cocoa Devil. Who could possibly be a better camp icon from the '70s?
[OUT TV PRODUCER JAMIE ENTERS WITH RIP TAYLOR.]
JAMIE: Let me just say again, Rip... how trilled, honored and excited we all are to have you as the face of Out TV.
RIP: Oh, I'm excited myself! I can finally afford some new confetti. [RIP THROWS SOME CONFETTI IN THE AIR] Ha ha ha!
JACK: [TO JAMIE] Ah, excuse me, Jamie. I don't mean to interrupt.
[JACK PULLS JAMIE OVER TO PETER.]
JACK: I believe I found the spokesperson for Out TV.
PETER: [TO JAMIE] Here's my head shot.
[PETER HANDS JAMIE A PHOTOGRAPH.]
PETER: I know the haircut's a bit outdated, but at the time, the Dorothy Hamill look all the rage.
JAMIE: No, no, I remember you. You're the guy from the cocoa commercial.
PETER: I also did three years at Williamstown, two seasons at the Guthrie, and spent a winter at the Old Vic.
JACK: Uh, look, nobody's concerned about your prison time here. We just look at talent.
JAMIE: Rip, sorry, but we have to let you go.
RIP: How dare you! And if you think you're any more confetti, you're not. Who am I kidding?
[RIP THROWS CONFETTI IN THE AIR.]
RIP: [TO JIMMY] Can you give me a lift to the bus stop, please?
JIMMY: Sure.
[JIMMY HELPS RIP OFF THE SET.]
JAMIE: Good work, Jack. But I feel bad about the way I treated Rip. I'm gonna let him shake out the three-hole punch before he leaves.
SCENE V: A Hotel in the Berkshires
[LATER. WILL AND GRACE ARE IN THEIR PAJAMAS, SITTING ON ONE OF THE BEDS, STILL WATCHING TV.]
GRACE: I love the local news. It's so uplifting. Those two old apple farmers lost everything in the fire, and, yet, somehow managed to persevere.
WILL: Grace, you have to pay attention. The crystal meth lab in their barn exploded.
GRACE: Still, we should send money. I'm tired.
[GRACE TURNS OFF THE TV.]
WILL: Yeah, me too.
[WILL AND GRACE CRAWL INTO THEIR BEDS AND WILL TURNS OFF THE LIGHT.]
GRACE: Ah... This is great. It's so nice to be in a bed with sheets. [SIGHS] Thank you, Will. For making me get rid of that message, being so rational.
WILL: You're welcome.
GRACE: I wish I could turn off my feelings like you. I'm just a big soppy romantic.
WILL: Well, I have my romantic side too.
GRACE: [WITH A SARCASTIC CHUCKLE] Yeah.
WILL: What? I do.
GRACE: I know, and I think it's great that you think you do.
[WILL SITS UP IN BED.]
GRACE: Sweetie, I'm just say how grateful I am to have a best friend who makes decisions based on logic not emotion.
WILL: Well, it's not like I have no emotions. I mean, just because my Grandma taught me that God hates boys who show emotion doesn't mean that I'm a robot.
GRACE: It's good. This whole Leo thing... whether or not he wanted to meet me. If so, do I go, do I want to? What does it all mean? I mean, I- I woulda kept my foot in that door forever. Mooning about what might be on the other side. And you, you shut that door and locked it.
WILL: [SCOFFS] I wouldn't say I shut--
GRACE: No, you did. And thank you for making the decision for me. I'm gonna sleep easy tonight.
[GRACE TURNS OVER AND SETTLES INTO THE BLANKETS.]
GRACE: Good night, Fluffer-nutter.
[WILL LAYS BACK DOWN, STARING AT THE CEILING.]
SCENE VI: The Out TV Television Studio
[JACK IS GETTING READY TO SHOOT THE COMMERCIAL. HE HAS A CLIPBOARD AND IS WEARING A WIRELESS HEADSET/MICROPHONE. KAREN IS SITTING NEARBY, KNITTING.]
KAREN: Honey, look at you in that headset. You look like a high-powered TV exec. Or someone who's about to hand me a shake.
JACK: Ooh, I'm getting something. [INTO HEADSET] Yes, hello? Yes, hello? Yes, hello. Yes, the talent is in make-up, and he'll be with you in five minutes. He's a little behind. I was in make-up before him.
KAREN: Honey, do you think Winter White is a good color for Rosario's saddlebag?
[PETER WALKS ONTO THE SET.]
PETER: Feels so good to be wearing pancake again. And not serving it at the International House Of. Now may I see the script?
JACK: Oh, no, no. Heh-heh. There's no script. It's just two lines. Yeah. I need you to look the camera lens right there. I need you to say "Watch Out TV."
PETER: Watch Out TV. I like that, it's smart.
JACK: Yes, yes, yes. "It's sinfully delicious."
PETER: I won't say that. It's demeaning.
KAREN: No, it's not. Now put on your horns and your Dorothy Hamill wig and dance for your 50 bucks.
PETER: I can't. I can never say those words again.
JACK: What are you talking about? Why do you think we hired ya?
PETER: Because I'm a classically trained actor. I played Hamlet, Willy Loman, Iago.
JACK: All in your cocoa devil outfit?
PETER: Just Iago. The world only knows me as a four-inch tall demon superimposed on Gabe Kaplan's shoulder. Sure, I won a Cleo and drove a brand new Mazda 626. But, like most actor in popular TV commercials, I became addicted to heroin. But worst of all, I never got another job. No one could ever see me as anything but that damn Cocoa Devil.
[JAMIE WALKS ONTO THE SET.]
JAMIE: All right, come on, let's go, guys. We're on a tight schedule. We have to get that video camera back to PS 185 by 4:00 or my nephew gets suspended. [TO PETER] You're sinfully delicious!
[JAMIE WALKS OFF.]
JACK: Wait til you seem him with this pitchfork-- [FORCEFULLY TO PETER] Listen you! I don't care about your sad life! You are gonna come up here. You're gonna stand there. And you're gonna look into the camera, and you're gonna do this commercial because there's 114 viewers who need to point at the screen and go, "Oh, look, it's that guy from that thing, I think"!
PETER: I see. Just give me a moment to prepare.
KAREN: [TO JACK] Honey, you were so manly. The way you were hissing and spitting at him like that.
JACK: Karen, what you've just witnessed is the second definition of a tongue lashing at this network. It's not pretty. But it's effective.
KAREN: It sure was. Look what it's done for Cocoa D. He's running like a man half his age.
[PETER IS RUNNING OFF THE SET AND OUT THE BACK DOOR.]
JACK: [PANICKING] Oh, my God! Karen, what do I do? This is devastating. I can't breathe. Everything's spinning. I'm hearing voices. [INTO HIS HEADSET] Oh, right--yes, hello. Yes, hello?
SCENE VII: A Hotel in the Berkshires
[THE NEXT MORNING. GRACE IS ASLEEP IN HER BED. WILL IS SITTING ON HIS BED WAITING FOR HER TO GET UP.]
WILL: Grace?
[WILL SHAKES GRACE HARD.]
WILL: [LOADLY] Grace!
[GRACE DOESN'T MOVE.]
[WILL SITS BACK DOWN.]
WILL: Bacon's ready.
[GRACE SITS UP.]
GRACE: Is it burnt? I like it burnt.
WILL: Listen, last night when I made that big decision for you, I didn't, right? I mean, you-- You made it.
GRACE: Not really. It was all you.
[GRACE LAYS BACK DOWN.]
WILL: But I mean, Karen and Jack weighed in too, right?
GRACE: Oh, please. Karen and Jack? You think I'm gonna trust my love life to Vampira and the Adult Toddler?
WILL: But you do listen to them.
GRACE: Sweetie, half the time I don't listen to myself. I don't have to. I have you. You're always so certain.
WILL: I'm not certain.
[GRACE BOLTS UP.]
GRACE: What?
WILL: I'm not certain.
GRACE: What do you mean? If you weren't certain why did you sound so certain?
WILL: I always sound certain. I talk that way on purpose to seem smarter and hide my insecurities. My real voice [HIGH-PITCHED PANICKY VOICE] is more like this!
GRACE: Okay. No, no. Will, what you said made sense. Whether Leo's there or not, it doesn't matter. Nothing's changed.
WILL: Stop saying what I said!
GRACE: Well, you were right.
WILL: [HIGH PITCHED VOICE] Well, I'm not certain!
GRACE: About what?
WILL: About anything. A-a-a-about whether he'll be there, or if you should be there. Or-Or if you two are destined to be together. Or if chocolate is a mood enhancer 'cause it's never made me feel anything but regret.
GRACE: Will, don't worry. You don't have to be certain, 'cause I am. It's about time I grew up and started making some sane rational choices.
WILL: Listen to yourself. Sane? Rational? That's not you. You're crazy. You're the girl who took off her top at a Journey concert and threw it at the stage. Twice!
GRACE: Because they didn't notice the first time.
WILL: Look, if you are not on that rooftop at 9:00 tonight, you're gonna spend the rest of your life wondering whether or not he showed up, because I talked you out of it.
GRACE: Sweetie, don't flatter yourself. I've got a mind of my own. This is my decision.
WILL: Really?
GRACE: Yes. Trust me. I know what I want.
WILL: Okay. Huh. Okay. Look, I'm gonna go sign us up for tree tapping. They teach you how to make maple syrup.
GRACE: I'll pass. This is my last morning with sheets for awhile.
SCENE VIII: The Peninsula Hotel Lobby
[PETER IS AT THE DESK TALKING TO MARGARET.]
PETER: Margaret, please, I need my job back. Doesn't 11 years of covering your affair mean anything to you?
[KAREN ENTERS THE LOBBY AND WALKS UP TO PETER.]
KAREN: [TO MARGARET] I'll take it from here, Margaret. We're still on for 3:00, right?
PETER: [TO KAREN] I'm sorry I ran out like that, but I won't go back. I've got a good thing going here. A job at a nice hotel, a three-speed bicycle, and a room at the Y.
KAREN: No doubt you're living the dream.
[KAREN TAKES PETER'S ARM AND THE TWO OF THEM SIT DOWN IN THE SEATING AREA.]
KAREN: But let me tell ya a little story. Between my first and second marriages, I did what many girls in my position do... I backpacked through Japan, Vietnam, and Bhutan. One day while was worshipping at the Golden Temple in Kyoto, I was discovered by a commercial director. Hmm. Long story short, I became the face of "Atooshi Kodki!" The energy drink of today's youth. It was a health drink... chock-full of vitamins, minerals, and 22 grams of nicotine. Anyway, I became a sensation. Everywhere I went, I was mobbed by Japanese people. Fortunately, it was right around the time they invented pepper spray.
PETER: And you lost your entire sense of self.
KAREN: Exactly. However, years later when they discovered that nicotine was dangerous and replaced it with Ephedra and trace amounts baby laxative, they offered me another commercial. But I said no. And that is a decision I have regretted ever since.
PETER: But why? You checked into a hotel just to pee. It seems like you have everything.
KAREN: Not everything! I would trade it all for the chance to be famous again. It is the greatest thing any human can achieve. You are never closer to God than when you are on television. Now you say it.
PETER: I don't think I can.
KAREN: Say it.
PETER: No.
KAREN: Say it, bitch.
PETER: It's sinfully delicious.
SCENE IX: The Peninsula Hotel Rooftop
[GRACE WALKS ONTO THE ROOFTOP OF THE PENINSULA HOTEL. THERE IS A MAN STANDING THERE LOOKING OUT AT THE CITY.]
GRACE: I knew you'd be here.
[THE MAN TURNS AROUND. IT IS WILL.]
WILL: Hi.
GRACE: You know you went out for maple syrup 12 hours ago. What are you doing?
WILL: I needed to know if he was gonna show up.
GRACE: Why? Did you guys have plans for a romantic rendezvous, too?
WILL: I'm here so that if any time in the future you start wondering if he came or not, I'll have the answer.
GRACE: Oh... Now I can't get mad at you for ditching me.
WILL: I didn't ditch you. I took that awful bus so you could have the car.
GRACE: You left me the car? Oops. Look... I like that you pay all my bills, and you do all my laundry, and make all my meals for me, but you really don't have to take care of me anymore.
WILL: I feel like I do.
GRACE: Well, you don't. Although on our way out, I do need $675 for the taxi.
[GRACE HUGS WILL.]
WILL: What about you? What are you doing here?
GRACE: I came to take you home.
WILL: Really? Not 'cause you wanted to see if he'd show?
GRACE: Nope. Just for you. Let's go.
[GRACE TAKES WILL'S HAND AND LEADS HIM TO THE STAIRS.]
GRACE: So what are you gonna make me for dinner?
WILL: Dinner? I thought I did to take care of you anymore.
GRACE: Baby steps, Will.
WILL: Hmm, guess it's not too late to glaze a ham.
[WILL AND GRACE START DOWN THE STAIRS.]
SCENE X: The Peninsula Hotel Lobby
[KAREN IS SITTING IN THE LOBBY WHEN JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: Karen, thank you so much. The spot went great. I owe you a big favor. Anything you ever need, just ask.
KAREN: Well, honey, in that case--
JACK: No! Will you get off my back, woman?
[A GROUP OF JAPANESE TOURISTS ENTER THE HOTEL LOBBY. THEY NOTICE KAREN AND GET VERY EXCITED.]
TOURISTS: Atooshi Kodki! Atooshi Kodki!
[ONE OF THE TOURISTS GIVES JACK A CAMERA.]
KAREN: [GIGGLES] Come on!
[THE TOURISTS POSE AROUND KAREN AND JACK TAKES THEIR PICTURE. THEY TAKE THE CAMERA AND WALK OFF, GIGGLING EXCITEDLY.]
JACK: Karen, I don't understand. Why are Japanese people so into you?
KAREN: I have no idea, honey.
[CUT TO A SHOT OF TOKYO... GIANT BILLBOARDS... A LARGE VIDEO DISPLAY SHOWS KAREN TURNING AROUND. SHE'S HOLDING A GREEN CAN, TAKES A DRINK, HOLDS UP THE CAN AND MOUTHS "ATOOSHI KODKI!"]