Episode #7.08
Original Airdate 11/11/2004
Written by Greg Malins
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Harry Connick Jr. (Dr. Leo Markus)
Patrick Fabian (Alan)
John P. Connolly (Gardener)
Karl T. Wright (Wayne)
Christian S. Anderson (Man)
SCENE I: The Corner Cafe
[WILL, GRACE, JACK, AND KAREN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, HAVING COFFEE.]
WILL: Boy, there is nothing like spending a day at a museum to remind you just how painfully boring museums are.
JACK: I don't understand why they used to paint everybody so fat. It's disgusting. Although, Jesus did look pretty hot a couple of times.
KAREN: You know, I once did it in a museum.
GRACE: Really?
KAREN: Yeah, just now. Some old guy rubbed up against me and I thought, ugh, well, may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
GRACE: Well, I love the Metro Museum of Art. Especially, 'cause if you cover up this part with your fingers, you can make it say "fart". [LAUGHS]
WILL: That sounds like a museum where you might have your own wing.
[A MAN WALKS AROUND GRACE'S CHAIR.]
MAN: [TO GRACE] Excuse me.
GRACE: Oh. No problem.
WILL: Well, well, well. Look at you, all checking out guys' asses. That's the first time you've done that since the divorce.
GRACE: Well, that's because I've decided that it's time for to start dating again.
KAREN: Yay!
WILL: Oh, good for you, sweetie!
JACK: [SADLY] I was gonna say "yay".
GRACE: [SIGHS] Well, you know, our anniversary is coming up and it got me thinking. I should get back in the game. Leo got back in the game. Leo got back in the game while we were still married.
WILL: You know, if you're serious about this, there's a guy I've been dying to set you up with.
GRACE: Sure! Bring him on. Grace Adler is open for business.
JACK: Eew! Why do you got to be so graphic?
KAREN: Honey, I have got the perfect guy for you. He's sweet, he's funny, and he is a very tender lover.
GRACE: Really? Who is he?
KAREN: Oh, um, I don't know his name, but he's in his sixties, hangs out at the museum.
WILL: And if that doesn't work out, there's a guy in my office. Really smart, great sense of humor--
GRACE: Oh, gosh. Not that loser who's always organizing those pot-lucks and bake sales.
WILL: No, no, that's me!
GRACE: You know what? Set 'em up. Set 'em all up. Come one, come all.
JACK: All right, we get it. Attention, hikers. All trails lead to mount Grace!
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
[GRACE IS GETTING READY FOR A DATE WHILE WILL STANDS BY, WATCHING.]
GRACE: Oh, gosh, I'm nervous. I haven't done this in a while.
WILL: What? Shave above the knee? Don't be nervous. Alan is a great guy. And it's only dinner. No big deal.
GRACE: You're right. Who cares if it works out? I'm just looking to get a couple of dates under my belt.
WILL: And if it works out, it works out!
GRACE: If it doesn't, it doesn't. But if it did, it would be great.
WILL: Great, it'd be fantastic! This is a big date for you.
GRACE: [SIGHS] I know. It might be my last chance at happiness.
WILL: Might be? Definitely is. Yeah, do not screw it up.
GRACE: Okay, I should go. Wish me luck. Good luck.
WILL: Wait, whoa. You got a thing there.
[WILL POINTS TO GRACE'S FACE.]
GRACE: It's just some cover-up. I had a spot.
WILL: Okay, cover-up is supposed to cover it up, not make it look like a little clay mountain. God, you can shoot an episode of "Davey and Goliath" on that thing.
[GRACE CHECKS HER FACE IN THE MIRROR AND PICKS UP HER KEYS.]
WILL: Okay, before you go, I wanna give you some advice.
GRACE: You wanna give me advice on dating? That's a joke.
WILL: I'm in a serious relationship, and you're divorced and living with a gay guy.
GRACE: Go on.
WILL: Okay, keep your shoes on at the table. Eat butter with bread, not as an hors d'oeuvre. And when the waiter offers you fresh ground pepper, don't say, "Is it free?".
GRACE: Anything else?
WILL: Yes. You look beautiful.
[WILL KISSES GRACE ON THE CHEEK.]
WILL: Now, come here. Lean forward.
[GRACE LEANS FORWARD. WILL PUSHES HER BREASTS TOGETHER TO MAKE CLEAVAGE; THEY FALL BACK DOWN AS SOON AS HE LETS GO.]
[WILL TRIES AGAIN, BUT THEY FALL AGAIN.]
[WILL TRIES ONCE MORE, PUSHING UP HARDER AND HOLDING THEM LONGER.]
GRACE: Okay, enough!
[GRACE PUSHES WILL'S HANDS AWAY.]
GRACE: It's a first date. He's not gonna get as far with me as you just did.
[GRACE EXITS THE APARTMENT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
[JACK AND KAREN ARE SITTING AT CAFE JACQUES', ENJOYING A CUP OF COFFEE.]
KAREN: Well, looky here. Get all slutted up for Will's guy. Won't even give my guy a chance.
GRACE: Your guy wasn't a guy. Your guy was Sharon. Our lesbian UPS carrier.
KAREN: Nice. A snob and a homophobe.
JACK: And what about my guy, Richard? I thought you'd like him 'cause he's a world traveler.
GRACE: He hops trains. The studio apartment he referred to was a feed car.
JACK: Nice. A snob and a hobo-phobe.
KAREN: Well, in any event, honey, we're rooting for you. Have a good date.
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN.]
KAREN: Oh. Hey, hey, come here. One more thing. Here. C'mere.
[KAREN GRABS GRACE'S BREASTS AND TRIES TO LIFT THEM UP AND CREATE CLEAVAGE.]
GRACE: Will already adjusted them.
KAREN: Oh, I wasn't adjusting them.
[GRACE SMACKS KAREN'S HANDS AWAY AND GETS IN THE ELEVATOR.]
JACK: Well, I don't know what's wrong with Grace. We're good at fixing people up.
KAREN: I know! I set up the Governor of Jersey with his boyfriend. Well... not so much set them up as loaned them my apartment.
JACK: Hey, we should set each other up! Yeah. I haven't been on a date in ages. Other than those dinners with Mark Wahlberg. Well, he threw out half a turkey wrap, and I put it in a baggie. I eat a little bit every night. Heh heh...
KAREN: All right, honey. I'll fix you up. What do you like again?
JACK: Ah, men.
KAREN: I know just the gender. Give me more.
JACK: He'd have to be kind, with just an air of mystery about him. Something that'd make my pants go, huh! [JACK THRUSTS HIS HIPS.]
KAREN: Gotcha. Okay, let's do me now.
JACK: Okay, what do you like?
KAREN: Oh, I don't know, honey. I mean, I'm almost 200 years old. You know, I just don't have time for all this getting-to-know-ya crap. I just want somebody who gets me. Somebody who's comfortable in my world, and makes me laugh, and occasionally brings me flowers. And... somebody who likes kittens, and the hard-core bondage scene.
[JACK AND KAREN HOLD THEIR MUGS UP AND TOAST.]
SCENE III: A Restaurant
[GRACE AND HER DATE, ALAN, ARE SITTING DOWN TO DINNER.]
ALAN: So, what do you like to do when you're not interior designing?
GRACE: Well, you know, I like to read novels and books, go to the museum...
ALAN: Oh, I went to the Met the other day.
GRACE: So did I! I love that place! You know if you block out the name with your finger-- Nevermind. Uh, what was your favorite part?
ALAN: Ah, well... Okay, actually I just went in to use the bathroom. So, I guess my favorite part was the toilet part.
[GRACE LAUGHS.]
ALAN: I really don't like museums.
GRACE: Oh, thank God. You know what else I hate? Reading.
ALAN: You know, I probably shouldn't say this on the first date, but mostly, I like to watch TV.
GRACE: I love TV! Ever since my divorce, it's been like my best friend. Oh. Did I mention that I'm divorced? It's kind of a sad story--
[GRACE'S CELL PHONE RINGS. SHE TAKES IT OUT OF HER PURSE AND LOOKS AT IT.]
GRACE: Oh, it's 911. I should take this. [QUIETLY ANSWERING PHONE] Hello?
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Stop talking about your divorce.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Are you here?
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Yeah, I'm under the table.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Really? [GRACE LOOKS UNDER THE TABLE CLOTH.]
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Look. Just keep it light and breezy. "Do you like magazines? I, too, like magazines!"
GRACE: Goodbye, Will.
[GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
GRACE: [TO ALAN] Sorry.
ALAN: Oh, that's okay. You were telling me about your divorce.
GRACE: Oh, forget about that. Tell me about you. I wanna hear about you.
ALAN: Well, I'm the mother of two beautiful boys, Gavin and Tommy, and I am super-excited to play the "Feud". Sorry, it was on while I was getting ready.
[GRACE GIGGLES AND FLIPS HER HAIR BACK.]
GRACE: That's funny.
[GRACE'S CELL PHONE RINGS AGAIN.]
GRACE: [ANSWERING PHONE] What?
WILL: [INTO PHONE] How many times have you giggled with the hair toss?
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] One.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Really?
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Two.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Really?
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Three.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] I'm here all night.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Eight, okay? Leave me alone. It's going well.
[GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
GRACE: Uh, would you hand me the butter please?
[THE CELL PHONE RINGS AGAIN. GRACE LOOKS AT IT AND TURNS IT OFF AND PUTS IT IN HER PURSE.]
[ALAN PASSES GRACE THE BUTTER.]
GRACE: Thanks.
[ALAN HOLDS UP THE BASKET OF BREAD TO GRACE.]
GRACE: No thanks, I don't want to fill up on bread.
[GRACE TAKES HER BUTTER KNIFE AND SCOOPS OUT A BIG PAT OF BUTTER AND PUTS IT INTO HER MOUTH.]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
[GRACE ENTERS THE DIMLY LIT APARTMENT. SHE'S SMILING AND HUMMING TO HERSELF. SHE WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND NOTICES THE BLINKING ANSWERING MACHINE. SHE PRESSES PLAY.]
[THE ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
ANSWERING MACHINE [ALAN'S VOICE]: Hey, Grace, it's Alan. I know our date just ended, but I wanted to call and say I had a great time.
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO HERSELF] That's sweet. So did I.
ANSWERING MACHINE [ALAN'S VOICE]: You're so funny. Easy to talk to, and... and gorgeous, by the way.
GRACE: There's the second date. Ha ha.
ANSWERING MACHINE [ALAN'S VOICE]: Anyway, call me sometime. Tonight if you want. I'm home. But not in a sad way. I actually had a date with a beautiful redhead tonight. Call me and I'll tell you about it.
GRACE: You know what? I think I will call you, Alan. Why Not?
[THE ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
ANSWERING MACHINE [LEO'S VOICE]: Hey, Grace. Sorry, uh, bad connection. Ji--Holland Tunnel. Just called--say hi. Our anniversary's coming up. Remember that plan we had? I w--thinking about you. It's Leo, by the way.
[THE ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
[THE DOOR UNLOCKS AND WILL ENTERS THE APARTMENT WITH A GROCERY BAG.]
WILL: Hey! How did the date with Alan go?
GRACE: Oh, it didn't go very well. I don't think I'm gonna see him again. Goodnight.
[GRACE WALKS BACK INTO HER BEDROOM.]
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS LISTENING TO THE STEREO WHILE DUSTING THE BOOKSHELF.]
[THE "FREEDOM" CHURCH ORGAN INTRO TO GEORGE MICHAEL'S "FAITH" BEGINS PLAYING.]
WILL: Ooh!
[WILL TURNS UP THE RADIO.]
RADIO/GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, I guess it would be nice...
[WILL BEGINS DANCING AROUND THE APARTMENT.]
RADIO/GEORGE MICHAEL: if I could touch your body. I know not everybody has got a body like you...
[WILL HEARS THE DOOR UNLOCK AND HE SCRAMBLES OVER THE COUCH TO GET TO THE RADIO.]
RADIO/GEORGE MICHAEL: But I gotta think twice...
[WILL TURNS THE STATION AS GRACE ENTERS AND SITS ON THE COUCH.]
WILL: Hey! Just, uh, listening to the radio.
RADIO/PREACHER: And with the holy cleansing fire, the sodomites shall be purged from the land!
WILL: I think it's important to get both sides.
[GRACE SHUTS THE RADIO OFF.]
GRACE: Well, you're going to hell anyway, so you might as well dance.
WILL: So, listen, why, uh-- why didn't it work out with Alan? Oh, God. How much butter did you eat?
GRACE: No, we just didn't click.
[KAREN AND JACK ENTER.]
KAREN: So, Gracie, what happened last night? Did you call Leo back or did you let him dangle?
WILL: Leo called?
GRACE: It was nothing. He left a message. [TO KAREN] How did you even know about that?
[KAREN POINTS TO JACK.]
WILL: How come I don't even know about it?
JACK: Um, I know the code to your machine. It's 52. Will's age.
WILL: Wait, what-- What did he say?
GRACE: I don't-- I don't remember. It was nothing. I erased it.
[KAREN AND JACK LAUGH.]
JACK: No you didn't, silly, you saved it to your private mailbox.
KAREN: And that code is 34C. Girl is obsessed with my boobies!
[JACK WALKS TO THE ANSWERING MACHINE.]
GRACE: Hey, stop!
WILL: No, no, no, no. Let's hear it.
[JACK PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE MACHINE. THE ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
ANSWERING MACHINE [LEO'S VOICE]: Hey, Grace. Sorry, uh, bad connection. Ji--Holland Tunnel. Just called--say hi. Our anniversary's coming up. Remember that plan we had? I w--thinking about you. It's Leo, by the way.
[THE ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
WILL: So, you're not going out with Alan again because your ex-husband called you from a submarine? What is he even talking about? What plan?
GRACE: We'd always talked about how every year on our anniversary we would -- We would go back to the roof of the Peninsula Hotel.
KAREN: And jump?
JACK: And make love on the way down.
GRACE: To commemorate where we shared our first moment together as a married couple. We had our wedding pictures taken there. I think, I think he wants us to meet.
KAREN: Yeah, honey. Usually when couples agree to things like that, it's because neither one of them has slept with an underage Cambodian girl.
GRACE: It was another doctor and she wasn't underage.
KAREN: Oh, Grace. [SIGHS] Like women can be doctors.
WILL: Hold on, you're not considering meeting him?
GRACE: I don't know. Probably not.
WILL: Definitely not! It would be like the stupidest thing you could possibly do!
GRACE: You see, this is why I tell you because I know you. I knew that you would get all judgmental and finger pointing.
WILL: [POINTING] That's where you're wrong. Bec--
[WILL PUSHES HIS FINGER DOWN.]
WILL: Look I just-- I hate to see you all worked up over a few staticky words.
KAREN: Yeah, G.G., I mean, how do you know he'd even be there?
GRACE: Because he said he loved me.
WILL: He didn't say he loved you.
GRACE: Yes, he did, at the end.
JACK: I didn't hear it and I listened to it, like, 40 times today.
GRACE: Here it comes.
[GRACE PRESSES A COUPLE BUTTONS ON THE MACHINE. THE ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
ANSWERING MACHINE [LEO'S VOICE]: --thinking about you.
GRACE: Here.
ANSWERING MACHINE [LEO'S VOICE]: It's Leo, by the way.
[THE ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
GRACE: "I love you, by the way."
WILL: "It's Leo, by the way."
KAREN: Okay, okay. All right, all right. Grace, I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything in there about love.
GRACE: I think I might know what I may have heard. And I am absolutely sure I may have heard "I love you". I think. [SIGHS] Why did he have to call?
WILL: What does it matter? I mean, what if he did say "I love you"? What do you think's gonna happen? You show up on the roof, and you look him in the eyes, and all of a sudden, he's not the guy who always put work before his marriage. And, oh yeah, cheated on you!
GRACE: Okay! Stop lecturing me, all right? This anniversary is kicking my ass already. Just back off. I need some space.
WILL: Space? You know what? That's a good idea. I know exactly what to do.
JACK: Oh good, problem solved. Will's gonna shoot her into space.
KAREN: That's nice. I've done that for friends.
[JACK TAKES KAREN'S HAND AND THEY EXIT THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] Here's the plan. I'm booking a hotel in the Berkshires for the weekend.
GRACE: Great. Finally I can get some quiet around here.
WILL: No, you're coming with me. I know you, Grace. If you don't, you're gonna spend your whole anniversary sitting around here obsessing about Leo.
GRACE: Will? Stop it. Stop trying to fix everything, okay? I'm not going anywhere with you. I just need to figure this out for myself.
SCENE VI: An upscale Restaurant
[JACK AND KAREN ARE SITTING TOGETHER AT A TABLE FOR FOUR, WAITING FOR THEIR DATES.]
KAREN: Honey, I'm so excited about my date!
[KAREN LOOKS AROUND. A MAN IN A SUIT ENTERS, CARRYING A SINGLE ROSE.]
KAREN: Oh, good Lord. They'll let anybody in here. Honey, would you look at that? That's my gosh-darned gardener. [SCOFFS]
[KAREN COVERS HER FACE. GARDENER WALKS UP TO KAREN.]
GARDENER: Good evening, Mrs. Walker, or may I call you Karen?
KAREN: [OFFENDED] You may not! How the hell did you get out of the house? You haven't accrued enough points to go off-grounds!
JACK: No, Karen, this is your date. Apparently, his name is Cliff. He is a widower, a decorated war hero, and a breast cancer survivor.
KAREN: [COVERING HER EARS] Stop humanizing him!
JACK: I know it sounds crazy, Karen, but think about it for a second. You said you wanted somebody who knew you inside and out, and who would bring you flowers.
[KAREN SIGHS.]
GARDENER: For you.
[GARDENER HANDS KAREN THE ROSE.]
GARDENER: But please, don't tell Rosario. We have a casual thing going.
KAREN: [DISGUSTED] Ohhhh!
[KAREN TOSSES THE ROSE.]
KAREN: [TO JACK] Great. Now I'm getting Rosario's sloppy seconds! Thanks for the crappy date!
[WAYNE, AN ATTRACTIVE, BLACK GENTLEMAN IN A TRENCH COAT WALKS UP TO KAREN.]
WAYNE: Hi, um, Karen.
KAREN: [TO JACK, RE: WAYNE] Here! This is what a great fix-up looks like.
JACK: [TO WAYNE] Hello, handsome.
WAYNE: [NERVOUS] Is there somewhere else we could go? Um, My wife's mother comes here.
JACK: Your wife!?
WAYNE: Shh!
KAREN: [TO JACK] Honey, he's what they call on the down low. Oprah did a whole show about it. Married men who like to get a little man time on the side.
WAYNE: Yeah, but I'm not gay.
KAREN: And I would never suggest you were.
JACK: [TO WAYNE] Uh, would you excuse us for a moment? I don't mean to be rude, but I need to pull her over here and tell her how disgusted I am by you. Listen... When you come out, give me a call.
[JACK HANDS WAYNE A BUSINESS CARD.]
[JACK PULLS KAREN OFF TO THE SIDE.]
JACK: That's the best you could come up with? I've never so insulted in my whole life!
KAREN: Yeah, well at least I tried! I wore my Doc Martin's to the nub trolling gay bars for you! I inhaled so much glitter, my boogers look like disco balls! I couldn't find anyone!
JACK: I couldn't find anyone for you either! And I wore my bone to the nub trolling all the gay bars in Manhattan. The point is nobody's good enough for you.
KAREN: Yeah, well nobody's good enough for you either. And they never will be!
[KAREN TURNS HER BACK TO JACK AND FOLDS HER ARMS.]
[JACK TURNS HIS HEAD AWAY. THEN LOOKS BACK.]
JACK: It almost sounds like you don't want me to find anyone.
KAREN: Yeah, well, maybe I don't. Come on, let's face it, Jackie. You're the only who's good enough for me.
JACK: Oh, Karen, I feel the same way about you, too. Hey! Why don't we be each other's boyfriend?
KAREN: Oh, Jackie, I'd like that. That sounds sweet.
[JACK AND KAREN HUG.]
KAREN: Just one question.
JACK: Mm-hmm?
KAREN: How would I get my rocks off?
JACK: Well, that's easy. We just have sex on the side. Like married people do.
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS PACKING A COUPLE OF LAST MINUTE THINGS INTO HIS ROLLING SUITCASE.]
WILL: This is it, Grace! I'm leaving! Weekend in the Berkshires. Last chance! I'm serious, chances are-- are dwindling here. All right, I'm gonna count to three. One, two, three.
[THE APARTMENT DOOR OPENS AND GRACE IS STANDING IN THE HALLWAY WITH HER SUITCASE.]
GRACE: Who you talking to, crazy?
WILL: What are-- You're coming? Why did you keep hanging like that?
GRACE: 'Cause it's fun to make your voice go up that high. Come on, I can't wait to get out of here and forget about my anniversary.
[WILL FOLLOWS GRACE INTO THE HALLWAY, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.]
[GRACE PUSHES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.]
GRACE: Thanks for doing this.
WILL: Glad I could help, sweetie. Oh! I got us a special treat.
[WILL PULLS A SMALL BOX OUT OF HIS BAG.]
WILL: Stockard Channing reading The Secret Life of Bees.
GRACE: Ugh. Audiobooks. Just another plot to shove books down our throat.
WILL: Yeah. This reading thing has gotten out of hand. I hear they're pushing this junk on kids now.
GRACE: Junk. Junk food. Oreos. Good idea. I'll get them.
[GRACE GOES INTO THE APARTMENT AND INTO THE KITCHEN. SHE GRABS THE OREOS AND LOOKS AT THE ANSWERING MACHINE.]
[GRACE PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE MACHINE. THE ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
ANSWERING MACHINE [LEO'S VOICE]: Hey, Grace. Sorry, uh, bad connection. Ji--Holland Tunnel.
WILL'S VOICE FROM HALLWAY: Come on, what're you doing in there?
ANSWERING MACHINE [LEO'S VOICE]: Just called--say hi. Our anniversary's coming up. Remember that plan we had? I w--
[GRACE PULLS THE PLUGS OUT OF THE WALL AND PUTS THE ANSWERING MACHINE AND PHONE INTO HER BAG.]
[GRACE EXITS THE APARTMENT AND JOINS WILL AT THE ELEVATOR.]
[JACK AND KAREN EXIT JACK'S APARTMENT, EACH CARRY A SUITECASE.]
JACK: Okay! Here we come! Ready to go!
KAREN: You guys knock so softly, we barely heard you.
JACK: Yeah.
GRACE: What a re-- What are you doing?
JACK: We're coming to the Berkshires with you to help you get your mind off Leo.
WILL: You're not invited.
JACK: Uh, that's not for you to decide, okay? It's up to Grace.
GRACE: You're not invited.
KAREN: Yay! It's unanimous!
JACK: Road trip!
KAREN: Shotgun!
WILL: God, I hope she means she wants to ride in the front seat.
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND THE GANG ENTERS.]