Episode #7.01
Original Airdate 9/16/2004
Written by Alex Herschlag & Dave Flebotte
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Harry Connick Jr. (Dr. Leo Markus)
Jennifer Lopez (Herself)
Eileen Fogarty (Hostess)
Jason Landau (Subway Passenger)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL ENTERS THE APARTMENT. GRACE IS STANDING IN THE LIVING ROOM AS TWO MEN MOVE A CHAIR.]
GRACE: Hey, Will. Look what I got.
WILL: Isn't that Leo's massage chair?
GRACE: Not anymore. He cheated on me. Which gives me the constitutional right to wait 'til he goes to work. Then sneak in and take as much as two Ukranian day laborers can carry.
WILL: If you guys are waiting for her to tip you, you're gonna be waiting a long time.
GRACE: Didn't you hear what the man said?
WILL: Gosh, it's like a whole new store opened up in Brooklyn. Adultery Barn. You should shop there sometime.
[THE TWO GUYS EXIT THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: Grace. Stealing from Leo-- It's so small-minded. It's so petty.
GRACE: I got you his Rolex.
[GRACE GIVES WILL A WATCH.]
WILL: [EXCITED] Ooh, I've always loved that! God! But... but you know, Grace, stealing his stuff-- [PUTTING ON THE WATCH] This is so handsome on me-- Is not going to make your anger go away.
GRACE: I'm not angry. I don't get angry. Not since I found Kabbalah.
[GRACE HOLDS UP HER LEFT ARM. THERE IS A RED RIBBON TIED AROUND HER WRIST.]
WILL: That's the string from a bakery box. You didn't find Kabbalah. You found ka-pound-cake.
GRACE: Your words wash over me. You see, Kabbalah has taught me there is no room for negativity in life. And I believe him.
WILL: Kabbalah is not a person.
GRACE: Then how did he write a book?
[KAREN ENTERS.]
KAREN: Wow. Those Ukranian boys sure know how to use every wall of an elevator.
WILL: Looks like they got their tip.
KAREN: Hey. Something's different. Will's eyepatch is gone and Grace's beak looks wierd. Something's up in Pirate Cove. And there's a chair here.
WILL: Yeah, Grace stole it to get back at Leo. You know, if Vince ever cheats on me, I got my eye on his vintage napkin set. Fool doesn't even know what he's got. He doesn't even have it on display!
KAREN: Didn't anyone ever tell you two that stealing is a sin? Yeah, a little something I learned in a town called Kabbalah.
[KAREN HOLDS UP HER LEFT HAND. THERE IS A RED RIBBON TIED AROUND HER WRIST.]
WILL: It's not a town!
KAREN: Then how did it write a book?
[KAREN AND GRACE TAP THEIR KABBALAH WRISTS TOGETHER.]
WILL: I can't imagine anyone having less understanding of this religion.
[JACK ENTERS. HE HAS A VERY LARGE RED RIBBON TIED AROUND HIS LEFT WRIST.]
JACK: Shavat Shalom! I just got back from my world-wind tour.
WILL: You mean "whirl-wind."
JACK: Did I travel around the "whirl"?
KAREN: Jack, I'm so glad you're back! I missed you so much!
[KAREN RAISES HER LEFT ARM.]
KAREN: Wonder Twin powers--
[GRACE AND JACK TOUCH THEIR RIBBON WRISTS TO KAREN'S.]
KAREN/GRACE/JACK: Activate!
[GRACE, JACK, AND KAREN LAUGH AS WILL ROLLS HIS EYES.]
KAREN: So, how was Jennifer Lopez?
JACK: Oh, we're the bestest friends. Yeah, we shop together, we go to eat together. And every night, we unwind in the world-pool.
GRACE: Did you tell her my Uncle Hesh was born in the Bronx?
JACK: Yes, I did, it was all she could talk about, we had to cancel a show.
WILL: You know, she and I had a moment at the wedding. We were at the coat check and they brought her chinchilla wrap and I said, "You know, I think that's mine." [LAUGHS] She burst out laughing. Did she happen to mention that?
JACK: Yeah, she laughed so hard she pulled her groin and had to cancel a movie. So, uh, Grace, I'm really sorry about Leo. You know, Stuart and I broke up also because of infidelity. But I understand why you cheated, and I know why I did. Cheating feels good.
GRACE: Leo cheated on me, dumb ass.
JACK: Well, trust me. He really enjoyed himself.
GRACE: You know, the old Grace would have done this...
[GRACE SMACKS HER HAND ONTO JACK'S FOREHEAD.]
GRACE: But now, I just have this new serenity thanks to Mr. Kabbalah.
WILL: He's not a person! He's not like Mr. Peanut.
JACK: Uh, Mr. Peanut is not a person, Will.
KAREN: He's a legume.
[THE PHONE RINGS.]
WILL: [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello?
WILL: [TO GRACE] Uh... It's Leo.
WILL: [SIGHS] Grace, you're gonna have to him eventually.
GRACE: You know, you're right. It's time to start dealing with this.
[GRACE TAKES THE PHONE AND THROWS IT INTO THE FIREPLACE AS HARD AS SHE CAN.]
KAREN: Wow, she's really upset.
JACK: You know what she needs? A nice warm bowl of Kabbalah.
WILL: It's not a... [SIGHS] I'll boil the water.
SCENE II: The Hallway Between Will and Jack's Apartments, Café Jacques'
[JACK IS STANDING AT THE TABLE, TALKING ON THE PHONE.]
JACK: I'm sorry. Jacques' is not taking reservations today. We're closed for a private party. No, I will not make an exception. As I recall, the last time you were here, you were drunk and rude to the staff.
[KAREN EXITS THE ELEVATOR, TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE.]
KAREN: [ON THE PHONE] I was not rude to the staff, dumbo!
[KAREN AND JACK HANG UP AND LAUGH.]
KAREN: Oh, Jackie. I'm so glad you're back. Let's celebrate! Tonight I'll let you peek at me while I'm in the shower.
JACK: I can't, Karen. I have very important plans with Jennifer Lopez.
KAREN: Jackie, come on. Who do you think you're talking to? Quit tryin' to pretend like you're best friends with Jennifer Lopez!
[JENNIFER LOPEZ EXITS JACK'S APARTMENT.]
JENNIFER: Morning. I slept like a baby. I forgot how comfortable towels on a kitchen floor are.
KAREN: Que? Qui? Donde?
JENNIFER: But I had the weirdest dream. I was in bed. And you and some guy named Toby were dancing around and doing scenes from Selina.
JACK: That's crazy! We were good, right? That never happened!
JENNIFER: So, Karen, how's married life treating you?
KAREN: Oh, it lasted 20 minutes.
JENNIFER: Oh. And that's short, right? Ooh, I gotta go. I'm unveiling my lingerie line, and I promised I'd sign some bras.
KAREN: Oh! Honey! Here, sign my bra. Sign my bra.
[KAREN JUMPS UP AND GIVES JENNIFER A SHARPIE. SHE OPENS UP HER BLOUSE.]
JENNIFER: Well, you're not wearing a bra.
KAREN: Sign it!
[JENNIFER SIGNS HER NAME.]
JENNIFER: What an honor. Right next to Sheryl Crow.
KAREN: I call it the Hard Rack Cafe.
JENNIFER: Well, thanks, Jackie. I had a great time.
[JENNIFER PUSHES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.]
JACK: Okay, Jenny. Bye!
JENNIFER: You don't have to wait.
JACK: Oh, no problem. None at all.
[AWKWARD PAUSE.]
JENNIFER: I love you.
JACK: Love you back!
[ANOTHER PAUSE.]
JENNIFER: You're my best friend.
JACK: Forever.
[JENNIFER LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
JENNIFER: [TO HERSELF] Dammit, how long is this freakin' elevator gonna take.
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN.]
JENNIFER: Ooh! Finally.
[JENNIFER GETS IN THE ELEVATOR.]
JENNIFER: Bye Angel!
JACK: Goodbye, sweetie!
JENNIFER: [TO HERSELF] Ay, close already!
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS FINALLY CLOSE.]
KAREN: [TO JACK] Honey, she was all over you! You're J.Lo's J.Mo!
JACK: I know. She loves me. We even made a movie when she was asleep.
KAREN: Super fantastic. So you'll give her my new song?
[KAREN PULLS A PAGE OF SHEET MUSIC FROM HER PURSE.]
JACK: What? Since when did you start writing music?
KAREN: Well... After Finney and I split up, I was pretty blue. So, Rosie and I flew to Hawaii and checked into the Halekulani to chill and.... I don't know. One night, I just started writing down my feelings, and, well, you know Rosie. She never goes anywhere without that ukelele. Before I knew it, I'd written my little song... "FYI: I Hurt Too."
[KAREN HOLDS OUT THE MUSIC TO JACK.]
KAREN: I think it's perfect for J. Lo.
JACK: Um, I don't think so, Karen. I mean, yeah, we're friends. But I don't want to risk my job and my friendship with her just over some song.
KAREN: Understood. [SINGING] "FYI: I will no longer cry, ooh--"
JACK: That's a hit!
KAREN: Yeah.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING A MAGAZINE.]
[GRACE ENTERS, CARRYING A GOLF BAG OVER HER SHOULDER, A LAMP, AND TWO LARGE BAGS.]
WILL: Hey. Where'd ya shop today? AmercerCheater? Extramarital Sex Fifth Avenue? Crate and Bastard?
GRACE: Well, whatever you call it, they're having a fire sale. 'Cause once all the stuff is gone, there's a good chance there'll be a fire. I got you something. Congratulations. You just graduated from NYU med school.
[GRACE PULLS A FRAMED DIPLOMA OUT OF A BAG AND GIVES IT TO WILL.]
WILL: Oh!
[THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. WILL LOOKS THROUGH THE PEEP-HOLE.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] It's Leo.
GRACE: What? Leo's here?
[GRACE PICKS UP THE PHONE OFF THE TABLE AND SMASHES IT ONTO THE FLOOR.]
WILL: Hey! Those aren't free, you know! If you're gonna keep smashing phones, maybe you should steal one!
GRACE: I did! It's in the bag! What's he doing here?
WILL: He probably wants to talk to you.
GRACE: What, so he ambushes me? Why didn't he call?
WILL: Maybe because somebody stole his phone!
GRACE: No. No, no way, forget about it. It's not gonna be that easy. We are not gonna talk when he's ready to talk. We talk when I'm ready.
[LEO KNOCKS AGAIN.]
GRACE: Get rid of him.
WILL: Grace, I'm not gonna...
[GRACE PICKS UP A PHONE OFF THE TABLE.]
GRACE: Is this your cell phone? It looks fragile.
WILL: Okay, okay!
[WILL STEPS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY TO TALK TO LEO.]
LEO: Hey.
WILL: Hi.
LEO: Look, I really need to talk to her. And, um, I'm kinda freaked out. My apartment just got broken into.
WILL: Look, uh... She wants you to go, dude.
LEO: "Dude"?
WILL: I get really straight when I'm angry.
LEO: Come on, Will. Help me out.
WILL: Ain't gonna happen, man.
LEO: Will, she'll listen to you, please.
WILL: Sorry, partner. No can do, chief.
LEO: Okay, could you stop doing that?
WILL: Wish I could, Johnny, but that dog just won't hunt.
LEO: What?
[WILL THINKS FOR A SECOND.]
WILL: Football.
[WILL GOES BACK INTO THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] I took care of it. Had to get a little rough with him, but I think he heard me. Trust me, he won't be showing his face around here again.
[LEO ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: Oh!
LEO: [TO GRACE] Just hear me out.
WILL: Hey, I'll let you two talk. I'm just gonna get my, uh...
[WILL PICKS UP HIS CELL PHONE.]
WILL: I just programmed it to ring the theme from Titanic, so...
[WILL RUNS BACK INTO HIS BEDROOM.]
LEO: So... Look, l-I know mad at me, but... Believe me, you can't hate me more than I hate myself right now. Look-I did a terrible, awful thing. There's no excuse for it. Just try to remember the guy you fell in love with, though. 'Cause that guy's still me. I love you, Grace. I'm not gonna let you go without a fight.
[GRACE WALKS UP TO LEO.]
GRACE: Oh, you wanna fight?
LEO: I did say some stuff before that. Say, is that my diploma?
GRACE: No, conceited! You're not the only Dr. Leo Markus in the city. What were you thinking? Did you really think that I wouldn't find out?
LEO: You found out because I told you.
GRACE: I would've found out. I know people.
LEO: In Cambodia?
GRACE: Yes, cheater, in Cambodia!
LEO: Got it.
GRACE: Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? I sat here, waiting for you. Night after night after night. And it wasn't like I didn't have offers. Please! Guys were just, were just sniffing around me like they were dogs and I was an open can of Puppy Chow! But I didn't do anything. And you know why? Because of this.
[GRACE HOLDS UP HER RING FINGER.]
GRACE: Because of this symbol of trust and fidelity. And you know what? Come to think of it, I don't need it anymore because I don't trust you anymore. Take your damn ring.
[GRACE TAKES OFF THE RING AND THROWS IT AT LEO.]
LEO: Please don't give this back. Grace, I love you. Look, maybe we can't get past this. You know, maybe what I did was just too awful. But, I mean, what if, what if we can? I mean, don't we at least owe it to each other to find out? Come on, Grace. Gimme a chance.
GRACE: I don't owe you anything. Get out.
[LEO TURNS AROUND AND EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE IV: A New York Subway Car
[THE CAR IS FULL. JACK WALKS UP TO AN ELDERLY COUPLE SITTING IN THE HANDICAPPED SEATS.]
JACK: Uh, hi. Excuse me. These seats are reserved for handicapped. I'm so sorry.
[THE ELDERLY COUPLE GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE BACK OF THE CAR.]
JACK: [TO THE COUPLE] Thank you. Thank you. [TO JENNIFER LOPEZ] Hey, Jen, I found us some seats!
JENNIFER: Oh, thank God!
[JACK AND JENNIFER SIT DOWN.]
JENNIFER: Oh! I love the subway. You know where the inspiration for my album "On The 6"? On the 4.
JACK: Jen, I love your inside stories. You know what would make them even better? Hearing them in your Bentley.
JENNIFER: No, Jack. Okay, when I'm in New York, I keep it real. I ride the subways. I play stickball. And in the summer, I jimmy open fire hydrants. The cops don't like it much, but they just roll their eyes and say, "That's Jenny."
JACK: Cops do the same thing to me when I complain about guys from New Jersey throwing cans at me from their cars. "That's Jackie."
[KAREN WALKS UP TO JACK AND JENNIFER.]
KAREN: What the hell is this place? I haven't seen this many immigrants since the Mauritania pulled into Ellis Island.
JENNIFER: Hey Karen.
KAREN: Oh, ha ha ha. Hello.
JENNIFER: You know, my grandfather through Ellis Island. They shortened his name from Lopezowitz. All the crap about me and that, they miss. Ay, gevalt.
KAREN: Yes, well, uh, since happen to bump into each other, coincidentally, maybe I'll you a copy of this...
JACK: [INTERRUPTING] Um, excuse us, Jen. I need to speak to my friend about something totally unrelated to the music she's holding in her hand.
JENNIFER: No sweat. I got my book, Anna Karenina. I'm very behind on my Oprah Book Club.
[JENNIFER PULLS OUT HER BOOK AND BEGINS READING.]
[JACK PULLS KAREN ASIDE.]
KAREN: Honey, What are you doing? You told me you were gonna help me get my song to J. Lo.
JACK: Karen, people throw music at her all the time. The secret is to wait until she's in the right mood.
KAREN: Okay, Jackie, I trust you.
JACK: Okay, let's just wait until, you know, the perfect moment.
[JENNIFER IS SITTING READING ANNA KARENINA.]
JENNIFER: [TO HERSELF] Damn, this is good! I'm gonna option this. Only she's not gonna kill herself at the end. She's gonna start a band.
[A MALE PASSENGER OVERHEARS HER.]
PASSENGER: She kills herself? That's, like, 600 pages from where I'm at.
JENNIFER: Sorry.
PASSENGER: Hey, it's all right. Hey, when's your new album coming out?
[JACK AND KAREN RETURN TO SIT NEXT TO JENNIFER.]
JENNIFER: [TO THE PASSENGER] Oh, God. As soon as I get good songs to record. I'm so frustrated, you know? I need something new.
KAREN: [QUIETLY TO JACK] Honey, here's our chance!
JACK: Not now.
JENNIFER: [TO THE PASSENGER] I mean, you wouldn't believe all the crap that I get.
KAREN: Honey, I've got crap!
JACK: Not now.
JENNIFER: [TO THE PASSENGER] Why are all the out there written by men? I mean, where's the woman's point of view? You know, FYI: I hurt too!
[KAREN GASPS AND TRIES TO REACH OVER JACK TO GIVE JENNIFER LOPEZ THE SHEET MUSIC, BUT JACK PUSHES HER BACK.]
JACK: Not now!
[JENNIFER'S CELL PHONE RINGS. JENNIFER ANSWERS.]
JENNIFER: [INTO PHONE] Hello? What? Oh, my God! That's horrible! Well, this is the worst I've ever heard in my life! My God, I'm devastated.
[JENNIFER HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
JACK: Now.
[JACK PUTS THE SHEET MUSIC ON JENNIFER'S LAP.]
SCENE V: Will's Bathroom
[WILL IS SITTING IN A BUBBLE BATH. THE LIGHT IS SOFT AND THERE ARE CANDLES LIT. HE SIPS A GLASS OF WINE AS HE LIP-SYNCS TO A BARBRA STREISAND CD.]
BARBRA: Don't tell me not to just sit and putter, life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter.
[GRACE OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR.]
[WILL QUICKLY TURNS OFF THE MUSIC, EMBARASSED.]
WILL: Hey, sweetie.
GRACE: Wow. I'm not used to seeing you lip-synch without the wig and the nails.
[GRACE LOOKS AROUND THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: This is nice.
WILL: Actually I did it for you 'cause you had such a rough day. But it looked so good...
GRACE: Thanks for thinking of me. Before ultimately taking care of yourself.
WILL: That's what friends do.
GRACE: Uh, listen. Uh, quick question. Do you think that it would be... wrong if I gave Leo another chance?
WILL: Wow.
GRACE: I know.
WILL: Wow, I-I-I-I don't know if I can answer that.
GRACE: Well, You're gonna have to. 'Cause I have no idea what to do.
WILL: Well if you're forcing me to say...
GRACE: I'm forcing you to say.
WILL: Okay, then I don't should go back to him.
GRACE: Well, I'm going back.
WILL: Why do you do that? You always set me up!
[GRACE TURNS AWAY FROM WILL.]
GRACE: Uh, you might wanna slide an iceberg over the submarine.
WILL: Oh!
[WILL SHIFTS AROUND THE BUBBLES. GRACE SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE TUB.]
GRACE: Okay, look. What Leo did was wrong. No question. And it was big. No question. But how do I know if it was big enough and wrong enough to throw away a marriage? I mean, what if I could find a way to forgive him? Shouldn't I at least try?
WILL: I don't know, sweetie. I mean, you've been so angry at him.
GRACE: I know. But I got it out.
WILL: Yeah, by vandalism, theft, and yelling. The three pillars of Kabbalah.
GRACE: Well, now that I got all that anger out, I'm just really sad. I miss him.
WILL: Sweetie, you know... Whatever you do, I'm gonna support you.
GRACE: Thank you. There's nothing I can't share with you.
[GRACE STANDS UP TO WALK OUT, BUT THEN STOPS AT THE TOILET.]
GRACE: Do you mind if I...
WILL: Your bathroom's down the hall!
SCENE VI: A Chinese Restaurant
[JACK, KAREN, AND WILL ARE SITTING AT THE BAR WAITING.]
JACK: I can't believe Jennifer Lopez fired me. Where did I go wrong? I replayed it in my mind a thousand times: She finds out her dog dies, I present her with a mid-tempo ballad.
KAREN: Here, honey, drink this. It'll make you feel better.
[JACK TAKES A DRINK.]
JACK: Why does it hurt so bad?
WILL: Probably because you swallowed the little plastic sword.
JACK: Why do we have to have this dinner with Grace and Leo anyway?
WILL: Look, Grace decided to give him another chance. So I put this dinner together so we can show our support. But it's totally casual. Six courses, some champagne, moderate decorations. Oh, and don't forget to sit in front of your place cards. Heh-heh. What am I talking about? That was all outlined in the invitation.
JACK: I don't even know how to act around him. Do I like him? Do I hate him? Do I have an accent?
WILL: Just act like a normal human being.
[LEO AND GRACE ENTER THE RESTAURANT.]
LEO: Hey, guys.
WILL: Hey.
JACK: [IN AN IRISH ACCENT] Top o' the mornin' to ya, Leo! And look at you, Grace. You're magically delicious!
KAREN: [IN AN ENGLISH ACCENT] Manly, yes, but I like her, too.
LEO: Look, uh, thanks a lot for doing this. I know it's awkward for the obvious reason. I don't intend on paying tonight. Ha ha ha!
[NO ONE LAUGHS.]
JACK: Oh, I thought you were gonna say the obvious reason is because you cheated on Grace.
GRACE: Uh, guys, please.
LEO: No, it's okay. I can handle it. I'm an adult.
KAREN: --erer. Oop!
[JACK AND KAREN GIGGLE.]
KAREN: That's a good one.
JACK: That one was smart because you made a funny noise like a bear.
HOSTESS: Your table is ready.
WILL: [TO GRACE AND LEO] You guys go ahead. We'll catch up. I just want to talk for a second...
[GRACE AND LEO FOLLOW THE HOSTESS TO THE TABLE.]
WILL: [TO JACK AND KAREN] What the hell are you doing?
JACK: I know, I totally dropped my accent.
WILL: Did you not hear me before? We're here to support Grace. We're all gonna act like adults.
JACK: --erer. I'm a bear!
KAREN: Jack, Will's right. We have to support Grace and Leo in their attempt to save their marriage.
WILL: That's it? What? You're serious?
JACK: I have a question, though. Are you endorsing this, Will? I mean, do you really think this is the right decision for Grace to make in her life?
WILL: What, you're serious, too? What the hell's going on here?! A minute ago, you two were bears!
KAREN: Erererer!
JACK: Rrrr!
[CUT TO LEO AND GRACE SITTING AT THE TABLE.]
LEO: Well.
GRACE: Yeah.
LEO: Boy, this is weird, huh. It's like we're on a first date.
GRACE: Well, it is like a first date. I mean, the last person you slept with wasn't me. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Sorry.
LEO: No, it's okay. I forgive ya. Guess we're even now. [LAUGHS.]
LEO: We're not even. I-I'm way down. It's a blowout.
[WILL, KAREN, AND JACK SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE.]
LEO: You're back. We almost had to send out a search party.
[WILL, KAREN, AND JACK ALL FAKE LAUGH HARDILY.]
JACK: [LAUGHING] A search-- search party.
LEO: I appreciate that. I know that wasn't very funny.
JACK: [FORCED LAUGHTER] No, it's not very funny at all.
KAREN: [LAUGING] I still can't get over how lame it was.
WILL: [LAUGHING] I'm starving! I guess I don't haveto fake laugh anymore.
GRACE: Oh, I know what I want. Szechuan beef.
WILL: Ooh, I don't know. That made you sick last time.
GRACE: You don't think I should order it?
WILL: Well, it's to you, Grace.
GRACE: I'm asking your opinion.
WILL: Well if you're forcing me to say...
GRACE: I'm forcing you to say.
WILL: All right, then. I think you'd have to be an idiot to order the Szechuan Beef after what it did to you la st time.
GRACE: Well, I'm getting it.
JACK: Who is this General Tsao? And didn't he have anythg better to do than to make chicken? [LAUGHS] Oh, I miss stand-up, Kare.
KAREN: You had so many genius bits like that. You know, we all think it. But you say it.
WILL: [SCOFFS] [TO GRACE] So, what, you think it's just... it's just not gonna ma sick this time?
GRACE: It might not.
WILL: Hmm.
GRACE: Beef can change.
WILL: Really? You honestly trust that something that, th-- That hurt you so bad once isn't gonna do it again?
LEO: Peking duck looks good and it's not a metaphor for anything.
GRACE: How am I supposed to know if it's gonna make me sick again unless I give the beef a second chance?
WILL: Fine, fine, order the beef. Don't expect me to pick up the pieces.
LEO: Can... can the beef say something?
KAREN: You know, it can if you're on a Thorazine drip. I once spent a delightful evening with a London broil. He was the darndest--
JACK: Karen, please, please. I think it's very clear who the beef is at the table. And I think the beef deserves to be heard.
[JACK STANDS UP]
JACK: [EMOTIONAL] I was fired by Jennifer Lopez today. And I recognize how devastating this is to all of us, but I had no idea it would complicate your marriage, or your relationship with Will was much as it obviously has. [VOICE BREAKING] I apologize. [STRUGGLING] And I wanna thank everyone for coming out to support me. The beef has spoken.
[JACK SITS DOWN.]
KAREN: Oh, honey. You're a complete moron.
LEO: [TO WILL] Look, Will, If you have something to say, just say it.
WILL: All right. I can't deal with this. I thought I could, but I can't. I trusted you to take care of her, and you pissed all over that. Now, I'm sorry if I can't just turn around and pretend like it never happened. Everytime you go out, I'm gonna wonder where you've gone. Everytime you look at another woman, I'm gonna think "Is it gonna happen again?" I can't trust you, bucko! That's right! I'm angry!
GRACE: Will, I don't think that's fair.
LEO: Actually, it is fair. I mean, he has no reason to trust me, you know? I screwed up. I let him down. I let everyone down.
JACK: [SCOFFS] [QUIETLY TO KAREN] You like how he all of a sudden made this whole evening about him?
LEO: Look, Will. I'm sorry. You know, I wish there were a way I could make it up. I'd give ya my Rolex that ya had your eye on. But I see you're already wearing that.
[WILL COVERS UP THE WATCH WITH HIS HAND.]
LEO: Look, what I'm trying to say is that I didn't mean to hurt Grace. Or you. And I just hope one you'll believe that.
WILL: I hope one day I will too.
GRACE: Okay, look. I think there's one thing that everyone at this table can agree on. You love me and you want me to be happy. Am I right?
KAREN: Sure.
WILL: Yeah.
JACK: Can we order?
GRACE: Will, Leo makes me happy. And I want this to work out. So I'm gonna need my friends to be supportive. Can you try to do that, please? For me.
WILL: I'll try. Especially since you're gonna let me keep the watch.
SCENE VII: Leo and Grace's Apartment, Bedroom.
[LEO AND GRACE ARE GETTING READY FOR BED.]
GRACE: You know, I had fun tonight.
LEO: Yeah, I did, too. It was kind of a rocky start, but I really like the way it ended up. I really enjoyed Jack's stand-up, too. You know, he's right. White people really are uptight, especially relative to other races.
GRACE: Yeah, he's got a real gift for stealing observational humor. I mean, why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
LEO: I'm glad we did this, Grace.
GRACE: Me too.
LEO: And I'm glad everybody's on board, you know? I mean, it really doesn't matter what other people think anyway, though. What matters is what we think, right?
[GRACE TURNS AND LOOKS AT LEO.]
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS GETTING READY FOR BED. AS HE TURNS OFF THE LIVING ROOM LIGHT, THERE IS A SOFT KNOCK ON THE DOOR.]
[WILL LOOKS THROUGH THE PEEP HOLE AND OPENS THE DOOR. GRACE IS STANDING IN THE HALLWAY WITH A BAG.]
WILL: Grace?
GRACE: I just couldn't. It's over.
WILL: I'm sorry.
[WILL HOLDS GRACE AS SHE CRIES.]
SCENE IX: A Subway Car
[KAREN AND JACK ARE STANDING IN THE SUBWAY CAR.]
JACK: I can't believe you wanted to take the subway again.
KAREN: Well, now that I've done it once, I've discovered a really great place to buy mari--[A COP WALKS BY] batteries.
[JENNIFER LOPEZ WALKS INTO VIEW. SHE IS YELLING AT SOMEONE ON THE SUBWAY.]
JENNIFER: Hey, that gun doesn't belong on the seat! Now, pick it up! Do it! I'm Jennifer Lopez. And I hate trash!
JACK: Jennifer!
JENNIFER: Jackie! Oh, it's great to see you!
JACK: You too!
JENNIFER: I miss you so much! I wish you were dancing with me again.
JACK: Does that mean you're gonna give me my job back?
JENNIFER: Oh, no. Is that what you got from what I said? No, I'm sorry. Once I fire someone, I don't hire them back. It's my policy.
KAREN: But sometimes a policy is merely a guideline for behavior. Not an absolute.
JENNIFER: Which, By the way, was one of the worst lines in your song. [TO JACK] Anyway, to make it up to you, I got you a job! Dancing with Janet Jackson.
JACK: Janet Jackson! Oh, my God! That's way better than dancing with... I mean, that would be okay!
[THE SUBWAY TRAIN COMES TO A STOP.]
JENNIFER: Ooh! This is my stop. Okay.
[JENNIFER WALKS TO THE DOOR AND WAITS FOR TO OPEN.]
JENNIFER: It was great seeing you, Jackie.
[JACK WAVES TO JENNIFER.]
JENNIFER: You take care too, Kare.
[KAREN WAVES TO JENNIFER.]
[AWKWARD PAUSE.]
JENNIFER: Yeah. [SIGHS] See you 'round.
JACK: Okay.
[THE DOOR STARTS TO OPEN, BUT CLOSES IMMEDIATELY.]
JENNIFER: This is a nightmare!