Episode #6.18
Original Airdate 3/18/2004
Written by Sally Bradford
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Bobby Cannavale (Vince)
Dave Foley (Stuart Lamarack)
Ralph Litt (Judge)
Donna Ponerotto (Woman)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS AT THE TABLE GRABBING A BANANA FROM THE FRUIT BOWL WHEN JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: Hey, you wanna be my second choice for the movies? We can go to a family film and look for gay subtext.
WILL: Nah. I'm just gonna hang around here... get out the old tool box and do some fix-it work around the house.
JACK: Oh, if you're going to give yourself a pedicure, you have to get more cotton balls, 'cause I took 'em all.
WILL: Damn it! How many times have I told you to stay out of my tool box?
JACK: Come on, Will. I don't wanna go to the movies alone, like an overweight woman.
WILL: Well, ask Grace to go.
JACK: Grace? It'd be kinda weird. I mean, we hardly even know each other.
WILL: Why, you have things in common. Like your love of the new format of Star magazine and-and not knowing who's running for president.
JACK: I don't really like voting. What's the point of stepping into a booth if you can't get fondled?
[KAREN ENTERS.]
KAREN: Hi, gays! Listen, Will, I need you to drive me around for the rest of the day. Driver's getting his ears pinned. I couldn't stand lookin' at those Dumbo flaps for one more second.
WILL: Karen, I'm not your chauffeur. In fact, I think we discussed this when I came back from Bali with a tan, and you told me to bring the car around.
KAREN: Hmm.
JACK: Kare, why don't you just drive yourself?
KAREN: Uh... Sweetheart, heh, I don't know what century you're living in, but women aren't allowed to drive.
WILL: Karen, you don't know how to drive, do you?
KAREN: Nah, never had to. Plus somebody's gotta be the designated drinker. [TO WILL] But, hey, since you work for the DMV, maybe you could teach me.
WILL: No, no, no, no. Get Finster to do it.
KAREN: No, he's British. He'll teach me to drive on the wrong side of the road.
WILL: Isn't that where you're gonna end up anyway? Well, get Jack to do it.
KAREN: Jack? That dope? That dope couldn't teach a monkey how to scratch his own ass.
JACK: [NODDING] It's true.
SCENE II: Karen's Car
[WILL IS SITTING IN THE PASSENGER'S SEAT SUPERVISING KAREN, WHO IS DRIVING.]
WILL: Good, good. You're doin' very well.
KAREN: Oh, honey, I love driving. It's exhilarating. Let's take her up! Come on.
WILL: Karen, this isn't a flying car.
KAREN: It is when you've smoked as much as I have.
WILL: Just concentrate on the road. You're doing just fine. But give it a little more gas. Okay, now heads up. Next block there's a woman with a baby carriage.
KAREN: I'm on it!
[KAREN STEPS ON THE GAS.]
WILL: No, no! Don't speed up!
[A MOTORCYLE COP TURNS ON HIS LIGHTS AND SIREN BEHIND KAREN.]
WILL: Oh, damn, it's a cop.
KAREN: I'm on it!
WILL: No, no, no! You've gotta stop! He's pulling us over.
[KAREN PULLS OVER ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. THE BIKER COP PULLS UP BEHIND.]
KAREN: [A LITTLE PANICKED] Okay, listen, there's something you should know. I was just a kid, 14 or so, and I fell in with the wrong crowd. One kid's father had a gun. And I didn't want the others to think I was chicken, so we see this businessman really full of himself.
WILL: Here he comes. Reel it in.
KAREN: Point is, I never did nothin'. And you don't know nothin' about nothin'. You got me?
[THE POLICE OFFICER, VINCE, APPROACHES THE CAR AND LEANS OVER INTO THE WINDOW. HE'S A TALL, HANDSOME ITALIAN GUY.]
VINCE: You know how fast you were going?
KAREN: How could I? I'm inside it.
WILL: Officer, is there a problem?
VINCE: License and registration, please.
KAREN: Oh, sure. No problem. Meet license and registration.
[KAREN OPENS UP HER JACKET AND THRUSTS OUT HER BREASTS.]
KAREN: [SPEAKING IN BABY-TALK] We're sorry, officer. We won't do it again.
WILL: You should've seen what she showed customs when they asked for her passport.
[KAREN LAUGHS.]
SCENE III: A Loew's Movie Theater
[GRACE AND JACK ARE SITTING IN THE THEATER. THE MOVIE HAS BEGUN AND THE THEATER IS DARKENED. GRACE IS SITTING IN AN AISLE SEAT. SHE HAS A BIG PAPER PAG.]
[A MAN BEGINS TO SIT IN THE SEAT IN FRONT OF GRACE.]
GRACE: Oh, hey, buddy, I'm sorry, but this seat's taken.
[THE MAN MOVES TO ANOTHER SEAT.]
GRACE: By my feet.
[GRACE THROWS HER FEET UP ON THE SEAT IN FRONT OF HER. SHE PICKS UP THE PAPER BAG AND BEGINS PULLING OUT CHINESE FOOD CONTAINERS.]
GRACE: How happy are you that I snuck in Chinese?
JACK: Happier than a gay teen with new ice skates.
[THE WOMAN BEHIND GRACE LEANS FORWARD.]
WOMAN: Hello, that's a little gross to be eating smelly food in a movie theater.
GRACE: Will an egg roll shut you up?
WOMAN: It will.
[GRACE GIVES THE WOMAN AN EGG ROLL.]
JACK: Okay, um, I promised Stuart, I'd see this movie with him. So don't tell him we saw it. When he found out I saw Calendar Girls first, he went ber-serk. He didn't talk to me for the whole shower.
[GRACE NOTICES STUART SITTING A FEW ROWS AHEAD OF THEM, SITTING ON THE AISLE NEXT TO A YOUNGER GENTLEMAN.]
GRACE: [POINTING] Hey, isn't that him?
JACK: Um-mm, nope. Couldn't be. Stuart's working. You just think it's him because when you're in love with someone, you imagine you see them everywhere.
GRACE: But I'm not in love with Stuart.
JACK: Yet you see him everywhere!
STUART: [TO THE YOUNG GUY] You know, it stinks like Chinese food in here.
[STUART AND THE GUY LAUGH.]
JACK: That sounds just like Stuart's laugh. It's so annoying when he does it in bed.
GRACE: Why does he laugh in bed?
JACK: Mind your own beeswax. I'm gonna check it out.
[JACK CREEPS DOWN THE AISLE, PAST STUART. HE TURNS AROUND AND QUICKLY TAKES A LOOK AND RUNS BACK UP TO GRACE.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] Oh, my God, that is Stuart!
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Who's the guy with him?
JACK: [QUIETLY] Guy?!
[JACK CREEPS DOWN THE AISLE. HE TURNS AROUND, QUICKLY TAKES A LOOK, GASPS AND RUNS BACK UP TO GRACE.]
JACK: Oh, my God, there is a guy. How dare he!
GRACE: Okay, okay, calm down. So he lied about having to work. So he's seeing the movie he promised to see with you. So he's here with a hot, young guy...
JACK: Do we have a point?
GRACE: You know, you'd think I would.
JACK: I'm gonna go confront him. I'd slap him silly if it didn't make him laugh in bed.
GRACE: No, no, just-- Come on. Sit down. You're too upset. We always regret the things we do in the heat of anger. Besides, I need someone to hold my mu shu pancake.
[JACK SITS BACK DOWN. GRACE GIVES HIM A MU SHU PANCAKE AND BEGINS SCOOPING FOOD INTO IT.]
SCENE IV: Karen's Car
[THE POLICE OFFICER, VINCE, IS BENT OVER AT KAREN'S WINDOW, WRITING.]
WILL: Listen, officer, I realize she was going a little over the speed limit-- And that's a ticket you're writing.
VINCE: Well, it isn't a poem about springtime in Cincinnati.
WILL: Why Cincinnati?
VINCE: First town I thought of. Actually, the second. But nobody would write a poem about Newark. Nothing rhymes with it.
WILL: What rhymes with Cincinnati?
VINCE: Just take the ticket.
[VINCE HOLDS OUT THE TICKET; WILL SIGHS AND SNATCHES IT OUT OF HIS HAND.]
VINCE: Have a nice day.
WILL: You too.
[VINCE WALKS OFF.]
WILL: [UNDER HIS BREATH] Jerk.
VINCE: What was that?
WILL: I said bye! Bye. See ya.
[VINCE WALKS BACK TO HIS BIKE.]
[KAREN DRIVES AWAY.]
KAREN: Oh, my gosh. That is the single scariest thing that has ever happened to me. And I've seen Rosario at the beach.
WILL: God, I can't believe this. Like cops don't have anything better to do. How 'bout stopping crimes? You know, how 'bout getting unlicensed guns off the street? Or off your lap?!
[WILL PICKS UP A HANDGUN OFF KAREN'S LAP.]
WILL: Has that been there the whole time?
[WILL PUTS THE GUN IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.]
KAREN: Oh, come on. Don't get all down on yourself 'cause you're gay. Let's just pay it.
WILL: Yeah, I guess you're-- Whoa-ho! Hang on. I think I spy a loophole.
KAREN: Oh, honey, is my passport showing?
WILL: No. It looks like he forgot to sign the ticket, which means it's invalid. We are so gonna fight this in traffic court. Whoa! Watch out for that nun.
KAREN: I'm on it! [KAREN FLOORS IT]
WILL: No! Don't speed up!
SCENE V: The Movie Theater
[JACK IS PAYING MORE ATTENTION TO STUART AND THE GUY RATHER THAN THE MOVIE.]
JACK: [TO GRACE] Did you see that? That guy just whispered something to Stuart. I didn't trim hair out of that ear so some young hottie could whisper sweet nothings in it without getting hair in his mouth. I can't take it! I'm gonna go talk to him.
[JACK STANDS UP, BUT GRACE GRABS HIS WRIST BEFORE HE CAN GET AWAY.]
GRACE: Wait. Before you do anything, count to ten.
JACK: Why?
GRACE: 'Cause Will said you couldn't.
[JACK WALKS DOWN THE AISLE TO STUART.]
JACK: [LOUDLY] Excuse me, Theater 14, I know you think you've come to watch a movie. But you are about to witness a scene.
STUART: Jack, what are you doing here?
JACK: What am I doing here? What are you doing here?
GRACE: Shh!
JACK: Grace! Do not shush me during my inappropriate outburst! Ladies and gentlemen, I find myself in a situation similar to the one Drew Barrymore is going through on the screen. Although, unlike her, I am not overacting.
STUART: Look, Jack--
JACK: I don't want to hear it! You're a liar and a cheat. And if we had the same right to marry in this country, you'd be an adulterer too. I hate you, and I never want to see you again! Good-bye. [TO THE THEATER] And thank you for coming to Loew's. Sit back and relax. Enjoy the show.
[JACK RUNS OUT OF THE THEATER.]
SCENE VI: Traffic Court, Outside the Court Room
[WILL IS WAITING WHEN KAREN FINALLY ARRIVES.]
WILL: Hey. We're up next, okay? So, so let me do the talking. Don't do anything disruptive. Give me the booze.
KAREN: Oh.
[KAREN PULLS A BOTTLE OF BOOZE OUT OF HER PURSE AND GIVES IT TO WILL. WILL PUTS IT IN HIS BRIEFCASE.]
WILL: And the pills.
KAREN: Aw!
[KAREN PULLS A BOTTLE OF PILLS OUT OF HER PURSE AND GIVES IT TO WILL.]
WILL: And the pills.
[KAREN PULLS A BOTTLE OF PILLS OUT OF HER PURSE AND GIVES IT TO WILL.]
KAREN: Oh!
WILL: And the pills.
[KAREN PULLS A BOTTLE OF PILLS OUT OF HER PURSE AND GIVES IT TO WILL.]
WILL: And the whoopee cushion.
KAREN: Will, if you take my whoopee cushion, how am I supposed to do my Inherit the Wind gag?
[KAREN PULLS A WHOOPEE CUSHION OUT OF HER PURSE.]
WILL: For the last time, no Inherit the Wind gag, and no telling the judge to keep it in his robe.
[KAREN GIVES WILL THE WHOOPEE CUSHION AND SIGHS.]
WILL: Boy, I cannot wait to humiliate that smug cop in that courtroom. Just rub his nose in his mistake and laugh as he walks out of there with his tail between his legs.
KAREN: Hi, Angry. Mad much? Listen, I'm gonna hit the vending machines. I've been jonesin' for a Score bar all day.
[KAREN SLINKS OFF TO THE VENDING MACHINE.]
[VINCE, THE POLICE OFFICER, ARRIVES.]
WILL: [SMUGLY, TO VINCE] Well, hello there.
VINCE: You smilin' at me?
WILL: I'm not smiling. I'm smirking. You're probably wondering what I'm smirking at.
VINCE: [INDIFFERENT] Not really.
WILL: I'm smirking because, [CHUCKLES] boy, have you got a surprise comin'. Probably wondering what that surprise is.
VINCE: Not really.
WILL: I'll give you a clue.
[WILL BEGINS WRITING IN THE AIR.]
VINCE: You're a conductor. You're shakin' a snow globe.
[WILL IS STILL WRITING IN THE AIR.]
VINCE: All right, no wait. You're a-- You've had a hand transplant. Your body rejected the hand. And now your hand is trying to get away by hailing a cab.
WILL: Wrong! You stink at charades.
VINCE: No, you stink at charades!
WILL: Hey, buddy, didn't sign the ticket.
VINCE: Crap! I always do that. I also forget to sign my checks. My therapist says it's because I'm not showin' up for myself. Oh, man, they're gonna stick me behind a desk now.
WILL: Well, NYPD boo-hoo. Maybe can pull or a paper clip. And-and give him a ticket for, uh, for... clipping together-- I don't know how to finish that. The point is... you're screwed.
VINCE: Oh, yeah? Well, your fancy suit doesn't hide the fact that you still stink at charades.
[VINCE ENTERS THE COURT ROOM.]
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
[GRACE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH A PLATE OF COOKIES, SINGING "HEY YA" BY OUTKAST -- VERY LOUD, HIGH-PITCHED, AND OUT-OF-TUNE.]
GRACE: [SINGING] My baby don't mess around 'cause he loves me so and this I know for sure. [SCREECHING] Hey ya
[THE PHONE RINGS.]
GRACE: [SINGING/SCREECHING] Hey ya--
[GRACE PICKS UP THE PHONE.]
GRACE: [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello? I'm sorry, I'll stop. Will you hang on a second? I've got another call.
[GRACE PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE PHONE TO ANSWER THE CALL WAITING.]
GRACE: [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello? Yes, I'll stop.
[GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE WHEN JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: That's it. I'm done with men. I'm into women now. Come on, let's make hot hetero love together. Take off your breasts and turn around.
GRACE: Oh, if only that was the first time a guy said that to me. You know, at some point, you are going to have to talk to Stuart.
JACK: Grace, you don't understand--
GRACE: [ANGRY] No! You don't understand!
JACK: [TAKEN ABACK] What?
GRACE: I just needed to get your attention. Can you get me some milk out of the fridge? These cookies are a little-- [GAGGING] without it.
[JACK GETS A BOTTLE OF MILK AND GIVES IT TO GRACE.]
GRACE: [WITH MOUTH FULL] I'm sorry, you were saying?
JACK: You don't understand, Grace. He lied to me. And honesty's kind of, like, a big deal to me. It's kinda what I'm known for. Well, that and this...
[JACK DOES A LITTLE DANCE MOVE, SNAKING HIS ARMS AND THEN TURNS HIS HEAD WITH HIS HAND.]
[STUART ENTERS.]
STUART: [TO JACK] There you are.
[JACK TURNS AROUND, CROSSES HIS ARMS, WITH HIS NOSE IN THE AIR.]
STUART: Why haven't you returned my calls? I left messages for you in a cute voice. I rewrote the lyrics to Carousel to reflect our situation. I cried. I've done everything a man is supposed to do.
JACK: [FEIGNING SURPRISE AT SEEING STUART] Oh. Stuart. I hardly recognized you without the 12 rows of theater seats behind you and another man at your side.
STUART: Jack, listen to me.
JACK: No, you listen to me--
GRACE: [LOUDLY TO JACK] No, You listen to me!
JACK: [TAKEN ABACK] What?
GRACE: Can you put this back? I think I'm done now.
[GRACE GIVES JACK THE MILK. HE PUTS IT BACK IN THE FRIDGE.]
STUART: You know, you haven't given me a chance to explain.
JACK: Oh, really? All right. Well, let's hear it. What's your explanation for lying to me and telling me you were working, when really you were out at a movie with a hot guy?
STUART: He's my son.
JACK: Oh, my God. That is exactly what happened today on Passions. Was he raised by pirates? Because that would just be a really weird coincidence.
GRACE: You know what? Maybe Will was right. Maybe you can't count to ten.
JACK: How do you have a son?
STUART: [SIGHS] Well, like, like many young people, when I was in college, I experimented with heterosexuality. Mindy and I shared a bathroom for two semesters, and now we share a son... for the rest of our lives. I'da told you sooner, but I didn't know how you'd react.
JACK: I just think it's weird you didn't tell me you had a son. It makes me doubt us.
GRACE: Jack, have you told Stuart you have a son?
JACK: No, but that's different. I forgot I had one.
STUART: Wha-- You have a son?
JACK: Yeah. His name's Elliot.
GRACE: [EATING A COOKIE] When he was 17, he donated some sperm because he wanted to buy a leather coat. We used to call it his member-only jacket. But, you know, now that there's an actual life involved, we just call it a jacket.
STUART: Good God, do you ever stop eating? [TO JACK] Well, I guess there's still a lot that we don't know about each other.
JACK: Yeah, I guess so. Like, you should probably know that I tell people I like pistachios, but I don't.
STUART: So we're okay, right?
JACK: I guess so.
STUART: All right.
GRACE: Aww, gay love. I miss it.
JACK: I'd love to meet your son sometime.
STUART: Oh, I'd love to meet yours.
JACK: My what?
SCENE VIII: Traffic Court, The Court Room
[VINCE IS STANDING AT THE PODIUM, TELLING HIS POINT OF VIEW TO THE JUDGE AS WILL AND KAREN SIT BY.]
VINCE: At which point, I noticed the defendant speeding by. I clocked her doing 42 in a 25 zone. So I pulled her over and issued a citation.
JUDGE: Thank you, officer.
VINCE: I-I also found a voodoo doll of Marlo Thomas in the trunk. It was spooky, Your Honor, but I don't think it broke any laws.
[WILL STANDS UP.]
WILL: Your Honor, I would like to cross-examine the witness, if I may.
JUDGE: Uh, this is traffic court.
WILL: I'm aware of that, seeing as Your Honor is eating a sandwich.
[THE JUDGE TAKES A BITE OF HIS SANDWICH.]
WILL: However, if you'll indulge me-- For the record, my name is Will Truman. I'm the attorney for the defense.
VINCE: Wait-- You're Will Truman?
WILL: Yes, and I'll ask the questions here.
VINCE: No, it's just-- I'm Vince. I'm friends with Joe and Larry.
WILL: You're Vince, friends with Joe and Larry?
VINCE: Yeah, they've been tryin' to fix us up for years.
WILL: Wh--?! You're kidding! You're--you're--you're the Vince that rides a motorcycle and makes his own lotions?
VINCE: That's me. And you must be the Will that makes an olive tapenade that would make you faint.
WILL: I don't know about faint, but... you may want to be in a room full of pillows just in case.
[WILL AND VINCE LAUGH.]
JUDGE: Uh, Mr. Truman. This isn't happy hour at the Manhole. It's a court of law.
WILL: Oh, please, eat your sandwich. [TO VINCE] I can't believe we're meeting like this.
VINCE: I know. This is so weird.
KAREN: [SNAPPING HER FINGERS AT WILL] Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come here. This isn't happy hour at the Cockpit. This is a court of law. Now get your ass out there and litigate, bitch!
WILL: Uh, Your Honor, we don't dispute the officer's version of the events. However, there is a single piece of evidence-- [WILL PAUSES AND LOOKS AT VINCE.]
WILL: [TO THE JUDGE] Just one minute.
JUDGE: It's fine, I've got pudding.
[THE JUDGE BEGINS EATING A PUDDING CUP.]
[WILL LEANS OVER TO KAREN.]
WILL: [QUIETLY TO KAREN] Karen, I have a problem. This is the first cute, available guy I've met in a long time. And there's a very good possibility that he's into me. Can we please drop this ticket?
KAREN: A possibility? You wanna sell me out for a possibility? Listen, mister, if we're gonna throw this case, it's gonna be for a sure thing. Excuse me.
[KAREN WALKS UP TO THE JUDGE. SHE KNOCKS ON THE JUDGE'S BENCH.]
KAREN: [TO THE JUDGE] Hey. Robe. Permission to approach the hot cop.
JUDGE: [WITH HIS MOUTH FULL] Sure.
KAREN: [TO VINCE] Listen, I have got one question for you, and you had better consider your answer very carefully. My attorney is horny as hell. I know he's not much to look at, but he's horny as hell. Now, if we drop this whole thing, would you go out on a date with him?
VINCE: Sure.
KAREN: Remember, you're under oath.
VINCE: Yeah. I like his hair.
KAREN: [TO THE JUDGE] Well, Your Honor, we're all done here.
JUDGE: Me too. [BURPS]
[THE JUDGE STANDS UP AND WALKS OUT OF THE COURT ROOM INTO HIS CHAMBERS.]
VINCE: [TO WILL] So, I'll see you Friday night.
WILL: Great. And just so you know, I'm usually a better lawyer than this.
VINCE: Sure. And look, I-I don't want you think because I didn't sign your ticket, that I'm some kind of flake. I really am a very good cop. Jeez, where's my gun? I must have left it in the the john. I'm in so much trouble.
[WILL LAUGHS. VINCE EXITS THE COURT ROOM.]
WILL: [TO KAREN] Truman shoots. Truman scores. Hee hee. I haven't felt this good about myself in a long time.
[WILL SITS DOWN AND THE WHOOPEE CUSHION MAKES A FARTING NOISE.]
KAREN: [LOUDLY] Uh-oh, did someone just Inherit The Wind? Odor in the court! Odor in the court!
SCENE IX: Karen's Car
[KAREN IS DRIVING IN HER CAR, SINGING "HEY YA" BY OUTKAST.]
KAREN: [SINGING] My baby don't mess around because he loves me so and this I know for sure. Hey ya--
[KAREN STOPS SINGING]
KAREN: [TALKING TO HERSELF] Hey, wait a minute. Will didn't teach me how to brake. [LOUDLY] Car, stop. Car, stop! [SHRUGS] Oh, well. Something'll stop me.