SCENE I: Grace Adler Designs

[KAREN IS SHOWING OFF HER NEW ENGAGEMENT RING. JACK IS LOOKING AT IT THROUGH A DRINKING GLASS.]

JACK: God, Karen, your engagement ring is so gorgeous. Wow. I wanna ring like that. Maybe I should marry Finster. Or maybe I should just marry Martin Katz, jeweler to the stars.

KAREN: It is pretty, isn't it? I just wish it wasn't so big. I'm afraid it's gonna leave a mark on Rosario's cheek when I smack her for no particular reason.

JACK: Aw, you're concerned about the help. Is something bothering you?

KAREN: Oh, it's just-- This is all happening so fast. Every since Finny and I got engaged, I've been having the most disturbing dreams.

JACK: Oh, Karen, that's completely normal, yeah. A lot of the times, 12-year-old boys like yourself have what we nurses call "Nocturnal"--

KAREN: Oh, not those kind of dreams. Those I like. No, in these dreams, I'm in my wedding dress, and a disapproving hippo is cross-examining me on the witness stand. What do you think it means?

JACK: [THINKING] Well... I was going to say it has something to do with Stan's feelings about your engagement... but obviously that's not it, because the hippo in the courtroom is clearly Will. So--

KAREN: No, no, no. Oh, honey, it is. It is Stan. His stomach is poking out at me from the other side. Oh, what if he thinks I'm getting married too fast? Oh, honey, I wish I could talk to him!

JACK: But Karen, you can.

KAREN: What?

JACK: Aren't you familiar with John Edward, from TV's "Crossing Over With John Edward"?

[KAREN SIGHS.]

JACK: He reunites people with their dead loved ones. And he wears fitted shirts tucked into his jeans, which is very brave for a three-camera format.

KAREN: [SHAKES HER HEAD] Uh-uh. Every since my role as "Bank Teller" on "Mama's Family" was left on the cutting room floor, I don't do TV.

JACK: Oh, Karen, you don't have to go on the show. He's signing copies of his new book After Life at Barnes & Noble. Yeah, we could talk to him there.

KAREN: Oh, well, I guess I could give it a shot. [IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT] "Would you like it in fives, tens or fifteens?" [NORMAL] Can you believe that got cut?!

[WILL ENTERS.]

WILL: Is Grace here?

KAREN: Oh, honey, no, I'm sorry. She left. But you might try her at our Paramus location.

WILL: I can't believe what just happened. Y-y-you know how Grace and I have been flipping properties together?

JACK: You mean your new version of having sex with each other?

WILL: Yeah. So yesterday we put a bid in on this East Side townhouse. We're this close to closing, and then this morning we get scooped... by D & M Properties.

KAREN: [GASPS] Did you say D & M Properties? Oh, honey, you do not want to go up against them. That's Deirdre and Monet. The flipping dykes. These ladies are vicious. Mess with their livelihood, and they come down on you hard. And your only warning is the "click click click" of their Manolos.

WILL: You're crazy. Besides, we have a foolproof lead on the East Side nobody even knows about.

KAREN: Oh, they know.

WILL: They couldn't. It's Grace's Aunt Honey's condo. It's not even listed. And because of her glaucoma, she doesn't even realize what a bad deal she's getting.

KAREN: Shh-shh-shh shh-shh-shh-shh. Hear that?

[THE CLICKING OF SHOES GROWS CLOSER.]

JACK: I'm scared.

KAREN: You should be.

[THE D & M PROPERTIES TEAM -- DEIRDRE AND MONET -- ENTER THE OFFICE.]

DEIRDRE: Good morning.

JACK: Ah! Lesbian realtors!

[JACK RUNS BACK INTO THE SWATCH ROOM.]

DEIRDRE: [TO WILL] You must be Will. Hello, I'm Deirdre. [TO KAREN] And it's good to see you again, Karen.

KAREN: Stay back, bulldozer! I'm engaged.

DEIRDRE: You were last time too. I've also found someone. Meet Monet, my new associate. One of the hottest young designers in the city.

MONET: Hello.

[MONET SHAKES WILL'S HAND.]

DEIRDRE: [TO MONET] Stop looking at him. You're with women now.

MONET: I was just saying hello.

DEIRDRE: You were gushing. [TO WILL] We hear that you and Grace have made quite a name for yourselves on the West Side. Kudos.

WILL: Thank you.

DEIRDRE: No. I see you have a box of Kudos on your desk.

WILL: Oh. Would you like one?

DEIRDRE: No, no. We don't eat.

MONET: She likes me frail.

DEIRDRE: [TO MONET] Does this story have an ending, Monet? [TO WILL] We're very happy for your success on the West Side, but just so there's no confusion, the East Side is our territory.

WILL: What, did you pee at every corner of it? For your information, we are on the verge of acquiring a property there.

DEIRDRE: Yes, about that. We spoke to Aunt Honey, and she's no longer as eager to sell to you.

WILL: [GASPS] How did you know--

KAREN: They know everything, Will. Because they don't sleep with men, their other senses are heightened.

DEIRDRE: [TO WILL] Now, stay off the East Side. You and Grace have a lovely co-op. I would hate to see a needle exchange open up next door. Or a Bennigan's.

MONET: [TO WILL] Good-bye.

DEIRDRE: [TO MONET] Keep it in your pants, Monet.

MONET: I'm sorry, I need food. I already burned off that Tic Tac.

[DEIRDRE AND MONET EXIT.]

SCENE II: Barnes and Noble - John Edward Book Signing

[JOHN EDWARD IS SITTING AT A TABLE SIGNING COPIES OF HIS BOOK, AFTER LIFE. JACK AND KAREN HAVE MADE THEIR WAY TO THE BEGINNING OF THE LINE.]

JOHN: [TO JACK] Who can I make this out to?

JACK: Jack McFarland. It's such an honor to meet you. I love your show. You're, like, my favorite medium. Although, in person, you look more like a Large. Hello, arms. [JACK SLUGS JOHN'S ARMS.]

JOHN: Thank you for noticing. Just because I talk to the dead doesn't mean I can't look good.

JACK: Right.

JOHN: [TO KAREN] Who can I make yours out to?

KAREN: Oh, um, I'm not here for that. I need you to get through to my late husband, Stanley Walker. You see, I'm engaged.

JOHN: Nice rock. What is that, Martin Katz?

KAREN: Damn, you are good. No... You see, I can't go through with the wedding unless I have Stanley's blessing.

JACK: And, um, could you get me through to Jude Law?

JOHN: He's not dead.

JACK: Yeah, I know, but I would like to make contact with his other side.

JOHN: I'm not doing any readings here today. But it sounds like you just need to get in touch with your own feelings and emotions. Trust your heart.

KAREN: Spare me the mumbo-jumbo about heart and feelings. I am a rational, thinking woman, and I have come here to talk to a ghost.

JOHN: I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you today.

KAREN: Oh, well, thanks for nothing, John Edward. And to think, I almost voted for you.

[KAREN TOSSES HIS BOOK ON THE DESK AND EXITS.]

JACK: [TO JOHN] Hey, uh, when I die, you wanna grab dinner?

SCENE III: Will's Apartment

[WILL IS TELLING GRACE WHAT HAPPENED AT HER OFFICE.]

GRACE: Flipping dykes?

WILL: Flipping dykes!

GRACE: Flipping?

WILL: Dykes!

GRACE: I thought that was a myth. Like the weapons of mass destruction.

WILL: No, they're real.

GRACE: Well, what do we do? Do we back off?

WILL: No, no, no, no. That apartment belongs to us. I'm not gonna let a couple of Ellen-lovin', Jenny Shimizu calendar-buyin', Uggs in the summertime-wearin', lady lovers scare us off.

GRACE: But how can we compete with two hot women? I mean, look at us. We're barely one hot woman.

WILL: Uh, speak for yourself. They are a power couple, there's no doubt about it. So I think our only hope is to divide and conquer.

GRACE: Yeah. What does that mean?

WILL: It means if we can break them up, then their stranglehold on the East Side will crumble, and the only thing they'll be flipping is burgers.

GRACE: Yes. What's our plan?

WILL: Look, on Animal Planet, why is it that the pumas always single out the one limpy gazelle for dinner?

GRACE: Ugh, there's gonna be nature in our plan?

WILL: Because he's the weak one.

GRACE: Ah... Ah!

WILL: Mm-hmm.

GRACE: Okay, so between Monet and Deirdre, which one's the weak one?

WILL: Monet. She was totally checking me out. She's no lez. Oh, sure, when it was chic, she jumped on the bandwagon, but one little push, she'll be back on the man-wagon. Okay, look, we'll have them over. And we'll pretend like we're proposing a truce. Then at some point, I get the weak one in a clinch, you and the tough one walk in, tears, drama, finger-pointing, hair-pulling, we're done.

GRACE: [GASPS] Oh, that's good.

WILL: Mm-hmm.

GRACE: If the Macarthur Foundation gave out Evil Genius Grants, you would so win one.

WILL: It is pretty awful.

GRACE: Mm-hm.

WILL: To evil!

[WILL AND GRACE TOAST AS WILL LAUGHS MANIACALLY.]

SCENE IV: Karen's Penthouse, Karen's bedroom

[JACK IS TUCKING KAREN INTO BED.]

JACK: Come on, Karen. You're not seriously thinking of calling off your engagement, are you?

KAREN: Well, I don't know what else to do. I don't have Stanley's blessing. And if that psychic John Kerry can't put me in touch with him, then who can? It's too bad too. Lyle was a really good guy.

JACK: He was. But don't give up! I love you two as a couple.

KAREN: Mm.

JACK: Can I have your ring?

KAREN: No.

JACK: Okay. Well, good night, Kare.

KAREN: Good night.

[JACK PUTS AN EYE MASK ON KAREN.]

JACK: I love you.

KAREN: Mmmm. Love you less.

[JACK WALKS TO THE DOOR, AND TURNS AROUND.]

JACK: And who knows, Karen? Tonight might be the night that you hear from Stan.

KAREN: [GASPS] I hope so.

[JACK TURNS OFF THE LIGHT AND EXITS.]

[KAREN LAYS BACK AND SETTLES INTO BED.]

[SUDDENLY A LOUD VOICE IS HEARD...]

VOICE: Karen...

[KAREN SITS UP AND GASPS.]

VOICE: It's Stan.

KAREN: [GASPS] What? Stanley, oh, my God! Stanley!

VOICE: You have my blessing to marry Finster.

KAREN: I do?

VOICE: Yes.

[KAREN SIGHS]

VOICE: See ya.

KAREN: Wait, oh, wait! Wait! Stanley, come back! Tell me, what's heaven like?

[CUT TO THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE KAREN'S ROOM. JACK IS STANDING AT THE INTERCOM, HOLDING DOWN THE BUTTON AND SPEAKING INTO IT.]

JACK: Uh, it's... [LOOKS AROUND] It's like a long room. Kind of like a hallway. With a credenza and fancy wallpaper.

[CUT TO THE BEDROOM. KAREN IS SITTING UP IN BED, WITH A CONFUSED LOOK ON HER FACE.]

VOICE: Oh, and there goes Rosie. Hey, girl!

[CUT BACK TO THE HALLWAY. JACK IS AT THE INTERCOM. ROSARIO IS PUTTING FRESH TOWELS ON THE SHELF.]

JACK: Oh. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah--

[KAREN OPENS HER BEDROOM DOOR. SHE PUTS HER HAND ON HER HIP AND GLARES AT JACK.]

JACK: Your order comes to 8.79. Thank you, please drive around. [JACK LETS GO OF THE INTERCOM BUTTON.]

ROSARIO: [TO JACK] Good save, Burger Queen.

[ROSARIO WALKS OFF.]

KAREN: Oh, Jackie, how could you? You know that heavenly voices speak to me every night over the intercom, and you abused that knowledge! You have really crossed a line this time. I can never forgive you.

JACK: Can I sleep over?

KAREN: Yeah, but no pajama bottoms.

JACK: Okay.

SCENE V: Will's Apartment

[WILL AND GRACE HAVE DEIRDRE AND MONET OVER FOR DRINKS.]

WILL: Anyway, thanks for coming over tonight. We knew if we just sat down and talked, we could get past this silly rivalry. Rivalries are stupid. Except for the whole Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan thing. That seems legitimate.

DEIRDRE: Yes, I have to tell you, this is a new thing for us. We rarely go out.

MONET: She likes me pale.

GRACE: Anyway, about that whole Aunt Honey thing, we're sorry we were on your turf. I guess I just figured since she was my favorite aunt, if anyone was gonna rob her blind, it would be me.

DEIRDRE: Well, Grace, there's no room for emotion in business. Or anywhere in life.

WILL: More wine, Monet?

DEIRDRE: Wup-up. No, she's fine.

MONET: But I want some wine.

DEIRDRE: I said enough. Grace, this apartment is wonderful.

[DEIRDRE LOOKS AROUND THE APARTMENT. WILL POURS MONET MORE WINE WHEN DEIRDRE TURNS HER BACK.]

DEIRDRE: My husband and I had one just like it. Until I fell in love with his sister. Are the bedrooms large?

WILL: Mine is.

MONET: I'll bet it is.

WILL: Grace, could you help me with something in the kitchen? [TO MONET] Heh-heh... Don't forget me when I'm gone. [SMILES]

[MONET SMILES AT WILL.]

DEIRDRE: [TO MONET] Settle down, you're making a fool of yourself.

GRACE: What are you waiting for? Make your move. Go for the weak one so we can walk in and catch you.

WILL: I will, I just have to figure out a way to get her in the bedroom.

GRACE: She's a designer. Ask her opinion on something.

WILL: Right, right. Ooh! I'll ask her what she thinks of my new dust ruffle.

GRACE: Great. And then you can show her the scarf you're knitting and give her a list of the movies that make you cry. Be a guy, you big 'mo!

[GRACE SMACKS WILL ON THE FOREHEAD.]

WILL: So, Monet--

MONET: I'd love to.

WILL: All right!

[WILL AND MONET WALK BACK INTO WILL'S BEDROOM.]

GRACE: So, I guess we should sit down for, like, anywhere from two to five minutes.

DEIRDRE: Oh, look. You need more wine.

GRACE: Oh, that's okay. I think I've had enough.

DEIRDRE: No, no, no, please. There is nothing sexier than a beautiful woman with a glass of wine in her hand.

[DEIRDRE POURS GRACE SOME MORE WINE.]

GRACE: Deirdre, when you're right, you're right.

[GRACE AND DEIRDRE SIP THEIR WINE.]

[CUT TO WILL'S BEDROOM.]

WILL: So, this is it. This is where it all happens. Yeah, this baby has seen me through some pretty wild times. I am talkin' wuh-ild. [CHUCKLES]

[WILL PUTS ONE LEG UP ON THE BED. WILL LOOKS DOWN AT THE BED.]

WILL: Damn it! I have told that cleaning woman a thousand times, what's the point of having a dust ruffle if you can see metal?

[WILL ADJUSTS AND SMOOTHES THE DUST RUFFLE.]

WILL: I mean, uh... [DEEP VOICE] Dust ruffle. So, uh, where were we?

MONET: Shut up and french me.

[MONET PUSHES WILL ONTO THE BED AND JUMPS ON TOP OF HIM.]

[CUT TO THE LIVING ROOM. GRACE AND DEIRDRE ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA.]

GRACE: There was a time when I thought about being a lesbian, but it seemed like a lot of extra work.

DEIRDRE: Well, it is a commitment.

GRACE: Oh, I-- Hey, I forgot. Where's Will and Monet? You know what, we should probably go check on them. Why don't you walk into the room ahead of me?

DEIRDRE: No, forget them. I want you.

GRACE: Huh?

DEIRDRE: Be my partner.

GRACE: Look, I thought I made it clear about all the extra work and everything. I mean, I just like to lay there.

DEIRDRE: No, my design partner. Monet is fine. I mean, no one does more with black and cement, but how many apartments can you sell to Moby?

GRACE: Oh... Well, I'm kind of already partners with Will.

DEIRDRE: God, well, imagine what the two of us could do together. God, your hair is gorgeous.

[DEIRDRE RUNS HER HANDS THROUGH GRACE'S HAIR.]

GRACE: Go on.

DEIRDRE: Sure, Will seems nice. And he puts together an okay party platter. But I have got a ton of money. And I can take you places you've never been before. Don't you want that, Grace? Don't you want to go to those places?

[DEIRDRE MOVES IN CLOSER.]

[CUT TO WILL'S BEDROOM. MONET IS KISSING WILL. HE PUSHES HER OFF HIM.]

WILL: Wow. That's hot. Women. Sexy. Yum. What time is it?

MONET: Oh, God, you are such a good kisser. You kiss like a girl.

WILL: Well, I-- I throw like one too.

MONET: Shut up!

[MONET PUSHES WILL DOWN AND CLIMBS UP ON TOP OF HIM.]

WILL: Wait, wait, whoa. Did you hear something?

MONET: Mm-mm.

WILL: No, I--I thought I heard Grace at the door. Grace, is that you? D-don't come in here. Don't you and Deirdre come in here right now!

[MONET PUSHES WILL DOWN AND KISSES HIM.]

[CUT TO THE LIVING ROOM.]

[GRACE STANDS UP.]

GRACE: Deirdre, stop. You're--you're making me all confused.

DEIRDRE: Then I'll make it simple. Say yes. Be on my team. I want you on my team.

GRACE: Stop saying "team." [SIGHS] Look, look... Will is my partner. I am committed to him. You have to respect that. Please.

DEIRDRE: Okay. I understand. I completely understand.

GRACE: Thank you.

DEIRDRE: Would you like to dance?

GRACE: Okay.

[DEIRDRE AND GRACE BEGIN SLOW DANCING.]

SCENE VI: Karen's Penthouse

[JACK IS ASLEEP IN KAREN'S BED. KAREN SUDDENLY RUNS INTO THE ROOM AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT.]

KAREN: Jack. Jack, wake up! Honey, wake up. Wake up right now. Wake up. Jackie, Jackie.

JACK: What? Karen! [SIGHS] I was right in the middle of a great dream. Jude Law and I were taking a Jacuzzi. And I was looking at the long arm of the Law. Heh...

KAREN: Honey, have you been asleep this whole time?

JACK: Except when I peed. But I never got out of the bed. Why?

KAREN: Then it was him. Honey, Stan spoke to me. I was downstairs making a ham sandwich, and all of a sudden, I heard Stan's voice.

JACK: Oh, my God! Did you put mayo on it?

KAREN: Honey, I'm telling you, it was him. Stan spoke to me!

JACK: Well, you know, it makes sense.

KAREN: Really?

JACK: In Native American mythology, the refrigerator is the portal to dead fat people.

[KAREN GASPS.]

JACK: Oh, my God. What did he say? Is heaven fabulous? Do they let gay people in? No, wait, I wanna be surprised.

KAREN: Honey, he said that I could marry Finny. He said that all he's ever wanted was for me to be happy.

JACK: Well, I told you that Karen. He'd want you two to be together.

KAREN: Mm-hmm.

JACK: Even when he was alive, he fantasized about you with other men. Why should it be any different when he was dead?

KAREN: Oh, Jackie. This calls for champagne. I'm so excited! Now I can get married. You know, I guess I just needed to hear it from the man himself. Mm.

[KAREN EXITS THE BEDROOM.]

JACK: [TO HIMSELF] How did that happen?

ROSARIO: I just do a better Stan than you.

SCENE VII: Will's Apartment

[GRACE AND DEIRDRE ARE SLOWING DANCING TO ROMANTIC MUSIC. WILL RUNS OUT OF HIS BEDROOM.]

WILL: Grace! What the hell?!

GRACE: Give us a minute.

WILL: Excuse us.

[WILL GRABS GRACE AND DRAGS HER OVER TO THE KITCHEN.]

WILL: What the hell-- what the hell is going on? Wh-what about the plan? I'm in there vamping for 20 minutes. I'm supposedly out here now looking for condoms!

GRACE: I'm thinking about becoming partners with Deirdre. She thinks I'm pretty.

WILL: What?! Don't you see what she's doing? She's trying to break us up. She's a puma!

GRACE: [HORRIFIED GASP] She is. And I'm the weak one! [VOICE BREAKING] I'm the limpy gazelle.

WILL: [TO DEIRDRE] How dare you. How dare you use sex as a weapon to prey on this innocent girl?

[MONET EXITS FROM WILL'S BEDROOM. HER HAIR IS A MESS AND HER LIPSTICK IS SMEARED.]

MONET: Will? Did you find any rubbers? [TO DEIRDRE] I'm with him now.

DEIRDRE: [TO MONET] Don't be a simp. He's using you. Just like I'm using her.

GRACE: What?!

MONET: What?!

GRACE: [TO DEIRDRE] Is that true?!

MONET: [TO WILL] Is that true?!

DEIRDRE: Kinda.

WILL: Kinda.

GRACE: [TO DEIRDRE] You were using me?

MONET: [TO WILL] You were using me?

WILL: [TO MONET] Oh, come on! You were all over me.

DEIRDRE: [TO GRACE] And you were all over me.

WILL: [TO GRACE] Is that true?!

DEIRDRE: [TO MONET] Is that true?!

GRACE: Kinda.

MONET: Kinda.

WILL: [TO GRACE] You bitch!

DEIRDRE: [TO MONET] You bitch!

GRACE: [TO DEIRDRE] You bitch!

MONET: [TO WILL] You bitch!

WILL: W-w-w-wait! Is this what we've been reduced to? Cheap sexual ploys? Over what? Real estate?

GRACE: I'm ashamed of all of us. [TO DEIRDRE] You're really not into me at all?

DEIRDRE: I'm not big on the redheads.

MONET: [TO WILL] Can I... look at it later?

WILL: I think twice was enough. Look, we don't want any more trouble. W-we-- W-w-well, you guys take the East Side, and we'll just stay on the West Side.

DEIRDRE: Fine. I'm tired of dressing to intimidate anyway. I can't wait 'til being lesbian goes out of style again. I can go back to my sweats and loose neckties.

MONET: [TO DEIRDRE] So, you're not mad at me? Are we still a team?

DEIRDRE: Of course, darling. You know I love being a team with you.

GRACE: [TO WILL] What is it with them and the word "team"?

[WILL SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SHRUGS.]

DEIRDRE: [TO MONET] Besides, I don't blame you. He's beautiful. He's like a female k.d. lang.

GRACE: [TO WILL] Are you mad at me?

WILL: Yes, I'm furious.

GRACE: Oh, what else is new?

MONET: Well, thanks for having us over.

WILL: Yeah, let's make it a weekly thing.

DEIRDRE: Remember, I don't want to see you anywhere near the East Side.

MONET: Yeah!

DEIRDRE: I don't like you butch.

[DEIRDRE AND MONET EXIT.]

GRACE: That was fun. I kind of liked being a lesbian.

WILL: Yeah, me too.