SCENE I: Grace Adler Designs

[GRACE IS AT HER DESK WORKING. KAREN IS AT HER DESK FLIPPING THROUGH A MAGAZINE.]

LYLE: There she is, the woman who set my heart on fire.

[KAREN SIGHS AND DROPS THE MAGAZINE ON THE DESK.]

LYLE: Which is a nice change, since the women I'm usually with cause a burning feeling in an altogether different area.

KAREN: Get lost, David Cop-a-feel. Just because we once made out like drunk straight girls at a frat party, doesn't mean you're wanted here.

GRACE: [TO LYLE] Hi. Welcome to my office. And we usually reserve this kind of talk for casual sex Friday.

LYLE: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. [HOLDS OUT HAND] Lyle Finster.

[GRACE SHAKES LYLE'S HAND.]

GRACE: Finster? Oh my God. You're Lorraine's father. You tricked Karen into kissing you.

KAREN: That's right. And it ain't never gonna happen again. No, sir. Not on my watch.

LYLE: I understand. But I only came here to return the kiss that you left on my lips.

KAREN: What? Give it back!

[KAREN CLIMBS ON HER DESK AND GRABS LYLE. THEY BEGIN KISSING AND PAWING AT EACH OTHER MAKING, GROWLING NOISES.]

GRACE: If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go in the back and gouge out my eyes and puncture my eardrums.

KAREN: Oh, no, honey, stay. I was just taking back my-- Hey!

LYLE: Karen, I'm lost without you. I've tried to fill the void with secretaries and whores, but at the end of the hour, it's you I wish I was paying.

GRACE: Really, I'm uncomfortable.

KAREN: It's never gonna happen between us, Lyle. So beat it.

LYLE: Very well. But I'll never forget you. Every mouth that I kiss will be your mouth. Every bottom that I slap will be your bottom. Every nipple that I tweak--

GRACE: Please, one of us has to go!

KAREN: Get out.

LYLE: [SIGHS] Very well. But know this: Every vagina--

GRACE: Get out!!

SCENE II: Will's Apartment

[WILL IS IN THE KITCHEN COOKING DINNER AS GRACE ENTERS.]

WILL: Oh, I have to tell you something.

GRACE: Me too.

WILL: Me first.

GRACE: In your dreams. My mom called. My screw-up older sister Janet is in town. And you know that she's gonna show up here asking for money or a place to crash while they fumigate her van. [SIGHS] So, whatever you do, do not open the door.

JANET: [ENTERING FROM BATHROOM] Hey, Will. You said help yourself to anything in the bathroom, so I put your blow-dryer in my purse.

WILL: [TO GRACE] Wanna hear my news now?

JANET: [TO GRACE] Hey, Smudge.

GRACE: Hello, Janet.

[GRACE AND JANET HUG.]

GRACE: You look good. When did you stop shaving your head?

JANET: Ah, I just did that 'cause my boyfriend Tony told me to. He--he thought I was too full of myself.

GRACE: Well, it looks nice. Mom will be happy. She may finally forgive you for using Aunt May's urn for your stash.

JANET: Hey, I didn't know what it was. I just thought it was really dusty.

GRACE: On the inside?

[JACK ENTERS]

JACK: Um, Will? I'm studying for a test. What does "A.D.D." stand for again? [NOTICES JANET] Oh, my God! Janet Adler! Hi, cuteness! Look at you with hair!

JANET: You like it? Doesn't make me look like I'm too full of myself?

JACK: [LAUGHS] Little bit.

GRACE: [TO JANET] So, where you staying?

JANET: Um, der, right here. Will invited me.

WILL: 0oh, that's right. I have other news.

JANET: It won't be for long. Just until I can get my jewelry line going.

GRACE: Oh... So... Now you have a jewelry line. What'd you do, roll your old roach clips in glitter?

WILL: You should see her work, Grace. She does these barrettes. Three tiny roses nestled in beadwork. It's adorable. I'm excited about barrettes, and that's okay.

JACK: Of course you are. Finally, a way to dress up all that hair on your pillow.

[WILL STEPS TOWARD JACK; JACK RUNS AWAY AND SITS ON THE COUCH WITH JANET AND GRACE.]

JANET: So-- Listen, I figure if I set up a folding table at St. Mark's Place, I could start getting celebrities interested in buying them, and then I'm pretty much set.

GRACE: Sounds smart. Nothing attracts celebrities like a folding table.

JANET: Hey, it's gonna have a poncho on it.

WILL: That could work. Salma Hayek bought one of my friend's handcrafted purses. Do you know what that friend is doing today? Stalking Salma Hayek. True story.

JANET: Oh, Grace. I had to apply for a credit card in your name. I've got "warrants."

GRACE: No, absolutely not.

JACK: Well, I have, um, Will's Sears card. You want that?

JANET: Yeah, I'll take it. Thanks.

[JACK GIVES JANET THE CREDIT CARD.]

GRACE: Stop! No. No credit cards. No money. No staying here. You know what, I just-- I cannot have this in my life right now. You are a wreck. And I am sick of taking care of you. I mean, how about you get a normal job? How about you find a place of your own? How about you get a life?!

JACK: I am trying! But it is hard! I am going to school, I am changing careers. So what if I need a little help every now and then? Why do you have to judge? You wonder why I don't like you. Now you know.

GRACE: I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Janet.

JACK: Oh, well, I wasn't really talking to you either.

[JACK WALKS TO THE KITCHEN, TOUCHING GRACE'S HAIR AS HE WALKS PAST HER.]

WILL: [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Grace didn't mean that. She just gets crazy when she's hungry. W-w-we had slow service at the Carnegie Deli once, she started going to other people's tables and asking if she could suck on their napkins. Heh-heh... True story.

JANET: Will, it's okay. She meant what she said. Thanks for the blow-dryer... And the poncho. I'm gonna go.

[JANET PICKS UP HER BAG AND EXITS.]

WILL: [SIGHS] [TO GRACE] Wow. You think maybe you were a little hard on her?

GRACE: No. All I've ever done my whole life is clean up her mess. I just want a normal sister who I can count on. The only thing I can count on Janet for is a great connection to sleeping pills and all the lyrics to "Sugar Magnolia."

[JACK SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH A PAN OF LEFTOVER CHICKEN.]

JACK: I am with Grace. That girl's a leech. You gotta cut those leeches out of your life before they leech right off ya. Oh, hey, Will, can you help me move this table over to my apartment? I'm having company. Grace, grab the chicken.

SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs

[KAREN IS SITTING AT HER DESK, TALKING ON THE PHONE.]

KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Yeah, listen, Ro-Ro, I'm gonna be a little late tonight. So you're gonna have to turn the hose on yourself and search your own room.

[KAREN LAUGHS AND HANGS UP.]

[LORRAINE FINSTER ENTERS.]

LORRAINE: Oh, that voice. It's like two cats screwing.

KAREN: Lorraine Finster! You murdering bitch! You've got a lot of balls showing up here.

LORRAINE: No, I don't. My parents had them removed when they decided to raise me as a girl.

KAREN: I have searched the far corners of the globe for you. Where the hell have you been hiding?

LORRAINE: I've been in the chorus of Taboo, the Boy George musical.

KAREN: That is so weird. You know, I was gonna see that last week when I was at the two-fer booth, but I saw Little Shop instead.

LORRAINE: How was it?

KAREN: I felt the plant phoned it in. [ANGRY] What the hell are you doing here?!

LORRAINE: I just came to tell you one thing. You stay the bloody hell away from my father!

KAREN: I'm not interested in your father!

LORRAINE: Oh, really? My moles tell me differently.

KAREN: Honey, when they get big enough to talk, it's time to see a new dermy.

LORRAINE: Save it. You are not to see that man again. 'Cause if you do, I'll cut your insides out and serve 'em up cafeteria-style with creamed corn and dirty silverware!

KAREN: [SIGHS] All right, all right. Say it, don't spray it, Saliva Doolittle. You've made yourself clear. You don't want me to see him, so I'll leave him alone.

SCENE IV: The Knickerbocker Hotel, Room 315

[KAREN KNOCKS ON THE DOOR, LYLE OPENS THE DOOR.]

KAREN: I want you, Finny. I wanna run my hands through your hair from ears to ass.

LYLE: Oh! What--what made you change your mind?

KAREN: Nothing specific. Certainly not a desire to stick it to anyone, if that's what you're implying.

LYLE: Let's make love. It's gonna be beautiful.

KAREN: OH!

LYLE: I'm gonna hoist you up on that light fixture--

[LYLE PICKS UP KAREN]

LYLE: Oh, can you grab hold of it?

KAREN: I sure can, yeah.

[KAREN GRABS THE CHANDALIER.]

SCENE V: Will's Apartment

[WILL, GRACE, AND JACK ARE RELAXING WHEN THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. WILL GETS UP AND OPENS THE DOOR.]

[JANET ADLER ENTERS, WEARING A BUSINESS SUIT AND SPORTING A NEW BOB HAIRCUT.]

JANET: What's up, Will? Hey, smudge. I know, I know. I'm not even dressed for a court appearance.

WILL: Look at you. I've been trying to bring back the bob for years.

GRACE: Wow. What did you do?

JANET: Well, after I left here the other night, I thought a lot about what you said. Actually, not right after. Uh, first I stopped off at the Korean deli to get some bourbon and crackers. Luckily, they took Will's Sears card.

[JACK NODS.]

JANET: Anyway, when I woke up the next morning in the cashier's apartment, I thought-- Maybe Grace is right. Maybe my life is out of control. So, I got myself a job. And I found a place to live.

JACK: You know, Janet, I cannot tell you how many times anonymous sex has led to a career change for me. Yeah. So, where you working?

JANET: Ann Taylor. Fitting room supervisor. I think I got hired 'cause I was the only one that could see over the doors. "How you doin' in there?" [RE: HER OUTFIT] So, you like? Employee discount.

WILL: No one does fashion on a budget like Ann. Except Lane Bryant, but you know, that's--that's for biggies.

GRACE: Janet, good for you.

WILL: Also, Jones New York. Actually very reasonable. Great separates. But you can build a suit in any of those places.

GRACE: [TO WILL] Okay, I want you to stop while you're still a man.

JANET: Oh, oh! And wait 'til you see my new apartment. Oh, it's so great waking up knowing where I am. Without having to shout out the window, "Hey, what city is this?" [TO GRACE] Anyway, Smudgy, this is all because of you.

GRACE: Oh--

JANET: You lit a fire under my butt. And--I mean, in a good way, not like when we were kids. And to thank you, I'd like to have you all over for dinner.

GRACE: Janet, I am so proud of you. And even more so, I'm proud of me. I mean, this is-- this is a tribute to you. But even more so, it's a tribute to me.

SCENE VI: The Knickerbocker Hotel, Room 315

[KAREN AND LYLE ARE LAYING IN BED UNDER THE COVERS.]

LYLE: Oh, Karen, that was the best sex I've had in my life.

KAREN: Mm.

LYLE: There we are.

[LYLE HANDS KAREN A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL.]

KAREN: What the--!?

LYLE: Oh, sorry, love. Old habits die hard.

KAREN: No, honey, it's not that. This is half my usual rate.

[LORRAINE ENTERS.]

LORRAINE: [GASPS] Bloody hell! What is going on?

[KAREN AND LYLE SIT UP, COVERING THEMSELVES WITH THE BLANKET.]

KAREN: What the hell are you doing here?!

LORRAINE: You told me to be here at exactly 7:00.

KAREN: I did no such thing! Why would I do that if I knew I was gonna be sexing up your father at exactly 7:00?

LYLE: Lorraine, is it really you?

LORRAINE: Hello, Daddy.

LYLE: Good God! Last time I saw you, I was bouncing you on my knee.

LORRAINE: Yes, I remember. It was my 30th birthday.

KAREN: Aww, nice reunion. Now run along so your daddy and I can make love.

LORRAINE: [TO LYLE] Yes, well, before you do that, I think you should know she's only sleeping with you to get back at me.

KAREN: [GASPS] How dare you! Where would you get such an outrageous idea?!

LORRAINE: From you, ya cow! You invited me here. You sent a car, and you put a bloody great sign in the lobby saying, "Nasty surprise for Lorraine Finster in room 315."

KAREN: I did not! You're delusional. [TO LYLE] Throw her out of here!

LORRAINE: She's a liar! Throw her out of here!

LYLE: S-s-such a difficult decision. I mean, second only to deciding whether to raise you as a boy or a girl.

[LYLE THINKS FOR A COUPLE SECONDS.]

LYLE: [TO LORRAINE] Keep in touch, okay?

LORRAINE: [POUTING ]But, daddy!

LYLE: I-I'm sorry, Lorraine. I love you, but I'm not in love with you, and I am in love with Karen.

KAREN: What? You are?

LYLE: Yes, and it's--it's never happened to me before.

LORRAINE: But what about my mummy?

LYLE: Well, I-I wasn't so much in love with mummy as I was in an alley and out of condoms.

LORRAINE: Fine. You've made your choice. But I can guarantee you'll be sorry. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the Taboo wrap party. They have them every night... just in case.

[LORRAINE EXITS.]

SCENE VII: Janet Adler's Apartment

[JANET OPENS THE DOOR TO HER SMALL ONE-ROOM APARTMENT. GRACE, WILL, AND JACK ENTER.]

JANET: Let me give you the tour. This is the living room, slash dining room, slash kitchen, slash bedroom. So, how'd you like the tour?

JACK: Um, if this is the bathroom too, could everybody turn around?

JANET: It's--it's right through that door. You might have to jiggle the, uh, thingy.

JACK: Oh, I always jiggle the thingy.

WILL: I think she meant on the toilet. The handle on the toilet.

[JACK EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM.]

GRACE: Oh, your place is cute. It's quaint, charming, darling. [QUIETLY TO WILL] I'm running out of ways to say "small."

WILL: [QUIETLY] Hey, it may be small, but her hair is fantastic. God, that's a good bob!

JANET: You know, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but how many 44-year-olds do you know who have their own apartment and a job?

GRACE: Certainly not your spiritual sisters from the ashram.

[JACK ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM.]

JACK: Who did that Italian mural in there? It's so beautiful. As I was peeing, I did a 360 so I could see the whole thing.

JANET: Oh, I'm--I'm glad you like it. I just did it to cover up what the previous tenant had. A crude carving that said, "Make it stop."

[WILL PEEKS INTO THE BATHROOM.]

WILL: It is beautiful. I like the way you've made the light switch into a-a horny Italian guy.

JACK: Could you do a mural for me? I really need to freshen up my apartment. Whoever did it, it's just a little dated.

GRACE: I did your apartment.

JACK: [WINCES] Oh. How awkward for you.

JANET: Oh, excuse me, I gotta stick my head in the oven.

GRACE: Ooh, last time you did that, they had to stick you in a state facility for three weeks.

WILL: [QUIETLY TO GRACE] Would you quit taking shots at your sister? She's doing great.

GRACE: [QUIETLY] What are you talking about? I'm very happy for her.

WILL: [QUIETLY] Yeah, well, then act like it. You wanted her normal, she's normal. Well, she's peeling a potato with a Lady Schick, but still.

SCENE VIII: The Knickerbocker Hotel, Room 315

[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. LYLE ANSWERS THE DOOR IN HIS BATHROBE. KAREN IS AT THE DOOR HOLDING HER SHOE.]

LYLE: Karen?

KAREN: I ran all the way here. I broke my heel tripping over a blind man in an attempt to avoid his dog.

LYLE: Well, w-what happened? I mean, I tell you I love you, and then you don't return my calls.

KAREN: Well, I got kind of freaked out. But no one's ever picked me over their daughter before. Not Jon Voight, not Steven Tyler. Not Goldie Hawn. The thing is... I love you too, Finny.

LYLE: Oh, that's wonderful. Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.

KAREN: No, darling, there's more.

LYLE: No, that will wait. Come to me. I want to land on you like it's a clear day at Heathrow.

KAREN: Bup bup bup bup bup. Save your pretty talk for someone who deserves it. Lorraine was right. I was just shtupping you to shtick it to her.

LYLE: I don't undershtand.

KAREN: I lied to you, Finny. I fell in love with you while I was doing it. But still...I lied. I'm sorry. Do you think you could ever forgive me?

LYLE: No.

KAREN: No?

LYLE: I chose you over my daughter, and now you've made a fool of me. And to think I was picturing us together in a cottage in the Cotswolds with a stone fireplace and a rose garden, picking up the occasional townsperson for a three-way. I mean--

KAREN: What a beautiful dream. We could still have that.

LYLE: No, no. I-I-I don't want to see you anymore.

KAREN: But Finny, I--

LYLE: Please leave.

[LYLE OPENS THE DOOR.]

LYLE: Good-bye.

[KAREN SLOWLY LIMPS OUT OF THE ROOM.]

SCENE IX: Janet Adler's Apartment

[LATER, AFTER DINNER. EVERYONE IS SITTING, EATING DESSERT.]

WILL: Mm. Mm. Mm! Janet, tiramisu? Tear-a down my cheek, it's so good.

JACK: I was gonna say that. Now I have to say something else cute. Oh, I got it. Hewwo.

WILL: Grace, you must be happy. Tiramisu's your favorite.

GRACE: [EATING] Mm-hm, mm-hm.

WILL: Well, the whole meal was great. I just want to stop and take a moment and just-- [APPLAUDS] Our hostess, huh?

JACK: [JOINS IN CLAPPING] You know, people don't applaud during meals anymore. I miss it.

JANET: Guys, come on, you're being too nice.

WILL: No, Janet, really, you're being modest. I mean, you're a woman that got her life together in a week and three days. Aren't you proud of her, Grace?

GRACE: [EATING] Mm-hm, mm-hm.

WILL: I mean, with the Ann Taylor and the fancy desserts and the artwork in the bathroom--

JACK: You really do have it all, lady.

[WILL AND JACK STAND UP AND APPLAUD.]

GRACE: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop clapping for her. The woman made three chicken cutlets and drew a cartoon over the crapper, big whoop.

JACK: Thank you! Somebody finally said it.

GRACE: [TO JANET] I'm sorry, but I can't handle you normal. This is not right, this is not the way it's supposed to be. You are the screw-up older sister. Joyce is the heavy younger sister. And I am the perfect one in the middle. I am the glue that holds you two losers together.

JANET: Believe me, Grace, I'm still a loser.

GRACE: No, you're not! You've got your life together now.

JANET: No, I don't! It's all an illusion. I'm just a puppet. And he's the one with his hand up my ass! [POINTS TO WILL] He made me do it.

WILL: Shut up!

GRACE: What?

JANET: Listen, you told me to get my life together. And Will said he could help me do that. All I had to do was listen to everything he said and not ask any stupid questions. He--he made the meal. He got me the job. He gave me this ridiculous haircut. Who has a bob these days?

WILL: People who want to look good!

GRACE: Uh, Will?

WILL: I just wanted you to have a normal older sister. That's what you said you wanted, and I wanted to do it for you. Y-y-you've had a tough year. Your husband's away. Your-your hair's kinda "eh". You put on a few pounds, I pretend not to notice. I-- I just wanted to give that to you.

GRACE: So, wait a minute. You-- You both did this for me?

WILL: We did.

JANET: Yeah, I guess so.

GRACE: [HOLDS OUT HER ARMS TO HUG JANET] Ooooh!

GRACE: [HOLDS OUT HER ARMS TO HUG WILL] Ooooh.

JACK: Stop that hugging! Everything hasn't been neatly resolved. I have been here all night, and not one person has noticed my right hand ring!

[JACK HOLDS UP HIS HAND, WITH HIS RING FINGER UP.]

JACK: I have used this hand to drink, I have used this hand to eat. I even used this hand to jiggle my thingy, and nothing.

WILL: Oh, Jack... It's beautiful.

GRACE: Sparkly.

JANET: So pretty. So, Grace, if it makes you feel any better, I got fired today for being drunk on the job. And then I went out and got drunk 'cause I got fired.

GRACE: You mean it?

JANET: Mm-hm.

[GRACE HUGS JANET.]]

GRACE: Oh, this is so wonderful. I hope Joyce is stress-eating right now.

SCENE X: Grace Adler Designs

[KAREN IS SITTING AT HER DESK, TALKING ON THE TELEPHONE.]

KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Rosie, I'm glad you're home. You got a minute? I'm a little down. See, the guy I'm in love with-- Well, it turns out he don't love me no mo'. But you know what? I'm not gonna give up. No, I'm not. Because when you meet someone that you feel that deep connection with, you must do everything in your power to-- And the bitch hung up on me.