SCENE I: The Corner Coffee Shop

[JACK AND KAREN ENTER THE COFFEE SHOP. THEY TURN TO THE FIRST TABLE WHERE TWO MEN ARE SITTING.]

KAREN: [TO THE GUYS] Hi, guys.

JACK: [TO THE GUYS] Hi, Grace. I like your new crew cut.

[WILL AND GRACE ARE SITTING NEARBY.]

WILL: [TO JACK AND KAREN] Over here.

KAREN: Oh. Hi, guys.

JACK: Hi, Grace. I like your new crew cut.

JACK: [TO THE WAITER] Two lattés, please. Thank you.

KAREN: [TO WAITER] Oh, waiter, could get me a slice of raw beef and some water?

[THE WAITER WALKS OFF AND JACK AND KAREN SIT DOWN WITH WILL AND GRACE.]

WILL: You still on the Zone diet? It's tough. I stopped after the snacks tried to break out of their containers.

KAREN: [LAUGHS] No, silly. It's for my dog.

[KAREN OPENS UP A BAG AND PULLS OUT A TINY TEACUP POODLE.]

GRACE: [GASPS] Oh, my God, I love dogs. Let me see the little... gerbil?

JACK: No, this is Chompers, [AFFECTED ACCENT] the Earl of Puppydom. He belonged to Lorraine. We found him in the back of Stan's closet living off of little bits of turkey he found in Stan's trouser cuffs.

KAREN: I'd keep him, but every time I see him, he makes me think of Lorraine. She used to sit on the couch at gnaw at her ass too.

GRACE: Anyway, I'm glad you're all here. Tomorrow night, I have something very special planned for all of us.

JACK AND KAREN: [Together] Yay!

GRACE: Leo and I are having a dinner party.

JACK AND KAREN: [Together] Boo.

GRACE: Leo's ex-girlfriend is coming.

JACK AND KAREN: [Together] Yay!

GRACE: But I'm fine with it. So there's no drama.

JACK AND KAREN: [Together] Boo.

WILL: Really? His ex is coming?

JACK AND KAREN: [Together] Ya--

WILL: Stop it!

GRACE: Yeah, Leo said that he ran into her in the subway. And being the cool wife that I am, I said, "Invite her over. It'll be fun."

WILL: You're hoping she has big ears and buckteeth, right?

GRACE: Little bit.

SCENE II: Grace and Leo's Apartment

[LEO AND GRACE ARE IN THE KITCHEN GETTING READY FOR THEIR DINNER PARTY.]

LEO: You know, I was kinda worried you'd be jealous of Diane. I mean, she's cute, she's smart, she's an editor at Vogue. Her piece on eyebrow shaping won the coveted Shallow Award.

GRACE: Big whoop. So you had a fling before me. I had hundreds. It was like a a revolving door, loser after loser after loser after-- Wait.

LEO: Ah, shoot. You know, we only have five wine glasses? I'll just wash out one of the glasses we use to keep our toothbrushes in.

[LEO WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM.]

[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. GRACE ANSWERS THE DOOR FOR DIANE, A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WITH LONG BLONDE HAIR.]

GRACE: Hi. You must be Diane. I'm Grace.

DIANE: Hi. Uh-oh. Awkward moment. New wife meets the ex-girlfriend.

GRACE: You think he traded down, I think he traded up.

DIANE: You're a gorgeous redhead, I'm an adorable blonde. But we know we have something in common... brown hair.

GRACE: [LAUGHS] Come on in.

[LEO ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM.]

LEO: Hey, is that Diane?

DIANE: Hey, Leo.

LEO: Hey, hey, hey. How you doin'?

DIANE: I'm good.

[LEO AND DIANE HUG.]

LEO: Wow. A room full of Leo lovin' ladies. I'd give anything to take that back.

DIANE: Well, you did good, Leo. Man, she's pretty. I hope you don't mind me judging you solely on the basis of your looks.

GRACE: Oh, please, how else would you judge someone?

DIANE: Hey, I brought you something.

[DIANE PULLS A BOTTLE OF WINE OUT OF HER PURSE.]

GRACE: Oh, my God. That is fantastic.

DIANE: Is it? It was in a basket in front of your neighbor's door. Maybe I should keep it.

GRACE: No. You've got the Hermès Birkin bag. I love that bag!

DIANE: Oh, I love it too.

LEO: Well, lookie-loo. Same taste in bags... same taste in dudes. I promise, I'll stop.

GRACE: I've been on a waiting list for that bag for two years, you bitch. I can say that, right? We're in that place?

DIANE: Oh, we're way past that place, you dirty skank. You know what? Here. Take it.

[DIANE HOLDS OUT THE BAG TO GRACE.]

GRACE: What? No. No, I couldn't.

DIANE: Oh, please. Writing for Vogue, they give you tons of swag. Besides, I want you to like me.

LEO: Dia--It's okay, Diane. She likes you already.

GRACE: No, it helps. [GRACE TAKES THE BAG.]

DIANE: All right, so I'll be right back. I gotta fix all this [MOTIONS TO HER FACE]. Um, I kinda thought you were gonna be butt-ugly.

[DIANE EXITS TO THE BATHROOM.]

GRACE: Leo.

LEO: She's nice, huh?

GRACE: Nice? She's fantastic. You traded down. Wait.

LEO: You know, I am so proud of you. I mean, I thought meeting my ex was gonna be much harder for you.

GRACE: Why? What'd you think I'd do? Fall back, clutch myself, gasping? [MOCKING] "Oh, my God." Don't flatter yourself.

LEO: Well, how can I not? I mean, at the moment, I've had sex with everyone in this apartment. Including myself.

[KNOCK AT THE DOOR.]

[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR FOR JACK, KAREN, AND WILL. KAREN IS CARRYING CHOMPERS IN A DOGGY CARRY BAG.]

JACK: Hi, lovers.

KAREN: Hi, Grace. Hi, Lebron.

WILL: [TO GRACE] Is she here? Is she pretty? Is she prettier than you? Is she prettier than me?

GRACE: She's great. Really. She gave me a purse. Look.

WILL: The Hermès Birkin bag! I've been--I've been on that waiting list for two years. For my mother.

KAREN: [TO LEO] Here, honey, we got you a dog.

LEO: A dog?

KAREN: Yeah.

LEO: I've always wanted a dog. [LOOKS IN THE BAG] And I still do. This looks like something a dog coughed up. No thanks.

JACK: Hey, this is Chompers. [AFFECTED ACCENT] The Earl of Puppydom.

KAREN: On cold nights, he keeps your privates warm... [GRINS MISCHIEVIOUSLY] I've heard.

[DIANE ENTERS THE ROOM.]

DIANE: Hi, everybody.

LEO: Oh, everybody, this is Diane. This is Jack and Karen. And this is--

DIANE: Will?

WILL: Diane?

GRACE: How do you guys know each other?

WILL: Um...

DIANE: We once, um--

WILL: We, uh...

JACK: [TO DIANE] Hey, I know who you are! This is the only girl Will has ever had sex with.

GRACE: [CLUTCHING HER CHEST] Oh... My... God!

LEO: Oh, my God?

GRACE: Oh... My... God! [TRYING TO RECOVER] I forgot to salt the tomatoes. And they are certainly not going to salt themselves! No!

[GRACE LAUGHS CRAZILY AS SHE EXITS INTO THE DINING ROOM.]

[LEO FOLLOWS GRACE INTO THE DINING ROOM. SHE'S VIOLENTLY SHAKING SALT ONTO A PLATE OF TOMATOES.]

LEO: What's going on?

GRACE: Nothing. I'm salting tomatoes.

LEO: Yeah? 'Cause it looks like you're assaulting them.

GRACE: [FAKE LAUGHTER] Why did you invite her here? She's ruining everything.

LEO: What, 'cause she slept with Will? What, are you jealous of them?

GRACE: I'm not jealous. And I'll tell you why I'm jealous. Because I'm not jealous.

LEO: You're not making any sense.

GRACE: Oh, and all of the sudden, you're the President of "Things That Make Sense"?

[CUT TO THE LIVING ROOM. WILL IS POURING DIANE A GLASS OF WINE.]

WILL: Diane, I'm so sorry didn't call you back the next day... or-- ever again.

DIANE: Yeah. Well, I-I-I was a little surprised when I woke up and you were gone. But I did appreciate that you baked cookies and did a load of whites.

WILL: It was my way of apologizing. I just--I just felt so weird about the whole thing because I was-- I--I was gay, you know. I still am.

DIANE: Yeah. Like I didn't know that.

WILL: How did you know?

KAREN: Probably 'cause you put your rubber on with your pinky up, Mary.

[JACK AND KAREN LAUGH.]

DIANE: That... and that you were kind, sweet, sensitive, wanted to cuddle a lot.

WILL: Don't straight guys like to cuddle?

DIANE: Not in an attempt to delay intercourse. But, you know, the dead giveaway was that you cried the whole time we were doing it.

WILL: Don't straight guys like to cry?

JACK: Di, if I may get a little personal on your ass. What magical twist of fate brought you two kids together?

DIANE: Well, I was blind drunk, and my roommate was under observation for pulling all of her hair out.

JACK: Mm-hmm. Beautiful. Beautiful. [TO AN IMAGINARY AUDIENCE, AS A TALK SHOW HOST] We'll be right back. We're talking with one-night stand Diane.

KAREN: [CHUCKLES] [TO DIANE] I like you. Wanna make out?

DIANE: I like you too. Let's see how the evening goes.

KAREN: Okay.

[LEO ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM. WILL EXITS TO CHECK ON GRACE IN THE KITCHEN.]

LEO: [TO DIANE] So... You and Will, huh?

DIANE: Yep, me and Will...

LEO: And, uh, me and you, huh?

DIANE: Yeah. Me and you. And maybe later, me and Karen.

[KAREN WINKS AND GIVES HER A THUMBS UP.]

JACK: [TO LEO] So in a way, you and Will have slept together. So technically, you're bi. [AS A TALK SHOW HOST] We'll be right back. We're talkin' with swings-both-ways Leo.

[CUT TO THE KITCHEN. GRACE IS CHOPPING SOMETHING LIKE CRAZY WHEN WILL WALKS UP.]

WILL: You know if you chop that any finer, the guests are going to have to snort it.

GRACE: [MOCKS LAUGHTER] Why don't you tell Diane? I'm sure she'll find it hi-i-i-ilarious.

[GRACE EXITS INTO THE DINING ROOM. WILL FOLLOWS.]

WILL: Are you mad at me?

GRACE: No. I'm not mad. And I'll tell you why I'm mad. Because I'm not mad.

WILL: You're not making any sense.

GRACE: Oh! And all of the sudden, you're the Vice President of "Things That Make Sense"?

WILL: Why vice president?

GRACE: Because Leo's president. Deal with it.

WILL: What is wrong with you?

GRACE: Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'd feel better if I slept with Diane. That seems to be the cure for everything. [YELLING] Dinner!

SCENE III: Grace and Leo's Apartment, The Dining Room

[LEO, WILL, DIANE, AND GRACE ARE AT THE DINNER TABLE. KAREN AND JACK ARE PLAYING WITH CHOMPERS.]

KAREN: Come on, Chompers. Pee pee, poo poo.

JACK: Do your dirty for daddy.

GRACE: What are you doing?

KAREN: Well, you told us to take him for a walk.

GRACE: Not around my dining room.

KAREN: Fine. We'll take him out.

[KAREN AND JACK EXIT THE DINING ROOM.]

LEO: Well, Grace, everything smells delicious.

JACK: [VOICE FROM THE LIVING ROOM] Whoops! You almost made it, Chompers.

KAREN: [VOICE FROM THE LIVING ROOM] It's as big as he is!

LEO: Well, maybe not everything.

[KAREN AND JACK ENTER, KAREN CARRYING CHOMPERS.]

GRACE: Did he just--?

JACK: Don't worry Grace, I put a salad bowl over it.

[JACK AND KAREN SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE.]

DIANE: Hey, um, can we open the $25 bottle of wine I brought? 'Cause I think we're done with the $6 stuff.

LEO: Yeah, it's-- it's my fault. I thought two bottles per person was going to be enough.

KAREN: [SCOFFS] Maybe if we were in high school.

WILL: I'm the same way. I always keep track of whatever I bring to a party. If I had a dollar for every piece of Tupperware I never got back... I'd have $13.

GRACE: Big surprise. You agree with her, but you don't agree with me.

WILL: You didn't say anything for me to agree with.

GRACE: You didn't give me a chance to say anything, did you?

DIANE: Mmm. Grace, this is delicious. It's so nice to be around people who eat food. When somebody has a birthday at Vogue, they put a candle in the middle of a Lifesaver and then argue about who gets the smallest piece.

WILL: I made these kabobs for Grace once. She totally fell in love with the recipe.

GRACE: Liar! How could I fall in love with your kabobs? I've never had them. Diane had your kabobs. But apparently, I wasn't good enough for your kabobs.

LEO: Wait. Why do you care that Diane's had Will's kabobs, but you don't care that she's had mine and I've had hers?

JACK: Silly. Diane is a girl. She doesn't have kabobs. She has a kagina.

KAREN: And nice katits.

LEO: You know, Grace, I was with Diane a year and a half. It wasn't just one drunken night in a dorm room. It was a lot of drunken nights. Including one embarrassing incident involving a public bathroom and an untimely entrance by Ed Koch.

DIANE: By the way, I know it seems like I need to drink in order to have sex. I don't, it just makes it better.

[KAREN POURS DIANE ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE.]

GRACE: Nobody finds you interesting.

DIANE: Except your husband and your best friend?

[GRACE AND DIANE STAND UP, READY TO GO AT IT.]

WILL: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, you know, it's--it's a--it's a party. Let's let lose a-a-and eat frosting right out of the can. What you do...

KAREN: Will's right. Now come on, come on. Change the subject. For gosh sakes.

[GRACE AND DIANE SIT BACK DOWN.]

KAREN: So, Diane, you work for Vogue, huh? Who was a better lay, Huck Finn or Captain Homo?

JACK: Come on! Who was better? Who was better?

WILL: No. We are not discussing this. It's not a competition. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

DIANE: Will was better.

WILL: Yes!

LEO: What do you mean "Will was better"? He couldn't find a G-spot with Yahoo! Maps.

JACK AND KAREN: [TOGETHER, IMITATING THE YAHOO YODEL] Yahoooooooooo-hoo!

WILL: Leo, don't let it bug you. I'm sure there's plenty of things you're better at. They just don't involve sex with a woman.

LEO: You know, I don't have to defend myself here. Grace can tell you how good I am. Two words: Disneyland. Jail.

GRACE: Well, you know, I'd love to help you out, sweetie. But I really don't have any basis for comparison. You see, I've had you, but I've never had, uh, this guy. Because apparently, I wasn't good enough. [GRACE SLAMS HER FORK AND KNIFE ON HER PLATE.]

WILL: Are you ever gonna let this go?

GRACE: No. I don't understand. When I found out that you slept with someone right after you couldn't do it with me, I always thought that--that--that the woman would be totally different than me. You know, ugly. And then this walked in.

DIANE: Hi.

GRACE: She is beautiful. She's funny. She's smart. She's like my twin.

KAREN: Yeah. Right honey. Just like Randy Quaid is Dennis Quaid's twin.

GRACE: So what was it, Will? Why her and not me?

LEO: Excuse me! I had an actual relationship with this woman. I mean, she had a drawer at my apartment. I-I called her parents Papa Tom and Mama Joanne. You know, I-I-I-- We had our pictures taken on a coffee mug together wearing T-shirts saying "Caution: We're hot." So how about a little jealousy for me?

GRACE: You know what, you're right. I'm sorry. I've been such an idiot. And if I just really stopped and thought, and I just focused on what was real, it--it does kill me that you were with such an amazing woman for so long.

LEO: Thank you. That's all I needed.

GRACE: You're welcome. [TO WILL] So what was it, Will? Why her, not me?

LEO: I'm going to get the coffee mug. [LEO EXITS.]

WILL: I told you this. Because I cared about you and I didn't care about her. You'd just thrown me out of your house. So I-I went to this party, loaded up on vodka and Squirt, met her, and had what was apparently phenomenal sex. The next morning, I-I-I ran to Jack's house and spent the whole day crying and talking about you.

GRACE: Really?

JACK: [NODS] He did. He was a wreck. He was crying so hard, he could barely iron his jeans.

WILL: The thing with her was a drunken, meananingless night that I only look back on with shame. It meant nothing to me.

GRACE: Really?

[WILL AND GRACE HUG.]

DIANE: [CRYING] Well, it meant something to me!

WILL: Huh?

DIANE: I remember everything about that night.

[GRACE SLOWLY BACKS AWAY AND SITS DOWN.]

DIANE: How we met at-- at Jenny von Slaniker's "Back From Mono" party. You were in the kitchen for some reason running the bong through the dishwasher. I was immediately drawn to you because you were cleaner than everybody else. And then... [CRYING] then we--we danced to that Dead or Alive song, "You Spin Me 'Round." And you did, Will. You spun me right 'round, baby. Right 'round, like a record, baby! Right 'round, 'round, 'round!

GRACE: [QUIETLY TO JACK AND KAREN] The girl's a mess.

KAREN: Well, so's your Birkin bag, honey. Bad boy, Chompers.

DIANE: Later when-- wh-- when we made love on my futon, it was so romantic. My hair was burning on my hotplate, but I didn't care.

WILL: How could that be? I mean, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I was scared. I was fumbling. I don't even think I took my underwear off.

DIANE: All I know is it's the only time I've ever had an orgasm. Ever. In my life.

LEO: [ENTERING WITH THE MUG] What?!

DIANE: Well, I-I-I was close that time, but Ed Koch wrecked it.

[LEO EXITS.]

DIANE: [TO WILL] Isn't it important to you at all? I mean, didn't-didn't-didn't you take anything away from it?

WILL: I-I took... one of your Benetton sweaters.

DIANE: That was my roommate's sweater. She accused me of stealing it. We went to student court!

WILL: I'm sorry. I didn't-- Like I told you, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I was a basket case.

DIANE: [CRYING] I still am a basket case! Excuse me.

[DIANE EXITS.]

KAREN: Oh-ho-ho, yeah. This is just where I was hoping this evening was going.

[KAREN FOLLOWS DIANE INTO THE LIVING ROOM.]

JACK: You know, uh, maybe I should check to see if she has an emotionally disturbed brother with the same legs.

[JACK FOLLOWS KAREN.]

WILL: Wow. Well... maybe it's just as well you never did take a ride on the Truman train. That coulda ruined you for life.

LEO: [ENTERING] Train? You had one passenger.

WILL: Yes, but at least she got off.

[WILL EXITS, PATTING LEO ON THE BACK.]

LEO: [YELLING AFTER WILL] Yeah, at crazy town! [TO GRACE] I'm gonna go check on her too.

GRACE: No, no, no, no. You are mine. And you're not going anywhere near that woman ever again.

LEO: Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

SCENE IV: Grace and Leo's Apartment, Living Room

[DIANE IS SITTING ON THE SOFA BETWEEN JACK AND KAREN, CRYING.]

DIANE: [SNIFFS] I'm sorry. I'm just having a nutty moment. [SNIFFS] Once I get home and drink myself to sleep, I'll be fine. [SNIFFS]

KAREN: But it's always gonna hurt a little bit, isn't it?

DIANE: Yeah.

JACK: Well, Diane, you have to keep reminding yourself that you're a good person with a lot of love to give.

DIANE: [CRYING] I am.

KAREN: And you've just got to find someone to return that love.

DIANE: [CRYING] I do.

JACK: How would you like a dog?

[JACK PICKS UP CHOMPERS AND GIVES HIM TO DIANE.]

DIANE: I'd like that. I'll call him Will.

[DIANE NUZZLES WITH CHOMPERS.]