Episode #5.21
Original Airdate 4/24/2003
Written by Kari Lizer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Madonna (Liz)
Todd Robert Anderson (Kurt)
Melonie Mack (Naomi)
SCENE I: A Laundromat
(GRACE, JACK, and KAREN lug big, heavy laundry bags into the laundromat.)
KAREN: This blows. If I wanted to spend a Saturday handling heavy sacks, I would've stayed married to Stanley!
JACK: You tricked us, Grace. You said, they were casting for a sitcom called "A Gay Guy, Two Hags and a Laundromat."
GRACE: Jack. Casting directors can't be here around the clock. Which is why they have hidden cameras in order to find fresh talent.
[GRACE MOTIONS WITH HER HEAD AND EYES AROUND THE CEILING. KAREN TRIES TO STIFLE A LAUGH. JACK STANDS UPRIGHT AND SMILES, THEN WAVES A LITTLE BIT.]
GRACE: Look, look, the washer in my apartment has been broken for two months. I'm desperate.
JACK: You have enough underwear to last you two months?
GRACE: No...
[GRACE OPENS A WASHING MACHINE. THERE ARE ALREADY CLOTHES IN IT.]
GRACE: Eh, these are practically done.
[GRACE PULLS THE CLOTHES OUT OF THE WASHER AND PUTS THEM ON TOP OF THE NEXT WASHER AND BEGINS LOADING HER CLOTHES.]
KAREN: What is this place? It's pretty.
[KAREN KNOCKS ON THE GLASS WINDOW OF A DRYER.]
KAREN: Where are the fish?
JACK: No, Karen. It is a "laundry-mat." People come here to clean their clothes. Then, they reuse them.
KAREN: Why, poor people are just plain clever. I wonder why they can't figure out a way to make more money.
[JACK SHRUGS.]
GRACE: You've never been to a laundromat before? What--why am I surprised? Last week at the post office, you kept tapping on the window and feeding peanuts to the clerk.
[KAREN LOOKS AROUND. SHE WALKS OVER TO A BULLETIN BOARD.]
KAREN: Why, there's so much real-life, I've never experienced. [READING THE BULLETINS TO JACK] Sectional sofas for sale... missing cats... battered women shelters... Fun! Honey, look at me, I'm finally using the Internet! Yeah! Ooh, and here's someone looking for a roommate. Hey, should I get a roommate?
JACK: Yes. But don't have sex with him. And when you do have sex with him, have sex with him a lot.
KAREN: Okay. Wow, I've really been missing out.
[KAREN PULLS THE AD FROM THE BOARD.]
KAREN: I'm gonna call this Liz non-smoker. She sounds nice. [READING] "Must have own sheets." She's got a good sense of humor. [CHUCKLES]
[KAREN EXITS AS WILL ENTERS.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] Hey, brought you some more change.
[WILL PULLS TWO ROLLS OF QUARTERS OUT OF HIS FRONT POCKET AND GIVES THEM TO GRACE.]
WILL: I tell you, you walk down Columbus Avenue with two rolls of quarters in your pocket, you get a lot of attention.
GRACE: Thanks. Okay, wow. Now, what's happening on your feet?
WILL: What?
JACK: I think she's talking about your shoes, Heidi.
WILL: What? They're clogs. They're good for your back.
GRACE: They're good for the back of your closet.
WILL: You know what, the hell with both of you. I like 'em. I'm gonna wear 'em.
[WILL TRIPS AND FALLS DOWN TO THE GROUND.]
[JACK AND GRACE LAUGH.]
WILL: Aah! Damn it! I fell off my clog!
[JACK AND GRACE POINT AND LAUGH.]
WILL: [ON THE FLOOR] Hey! Not funny, I think I did something bad to my foot.
JACK: Well, you did that when you put the clogs on this morning! Uh, I mean, are you hurt?
[JACK AND GRACE HELP WILL UP.]
WILL: Ow!
JACK: Answer me!
GRACE: Okay, sweetie, you should see a doctor. I'll get a cab.
WILL: Aren't you coming with me?
GRACE: Sweetie. The clogs. [SHAKES HER HEAD.]
JACK: You're gonna be all right, Will. Just--just fine. Just fine.
[JACK LOOKS AROUND THE CEILING, FIXING HIS HAIR AND SMILING.]
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(GRACE dumps out a bag of laundry on the couch and hands some of it to JACK.)
GRACE: Will called from the doctor. I guess he actually sprained something. So I guess it's just going to be you and me for the good old-fashioned foldin' party.
JACK: Grace, just because you say the words "good old-fashioned," doesn't make it a party.
GRACE: Even though I made a good old-fashioned foldin' party mix tape?
[GRACE TURNS ON THE TAPE AND IT BEGINS TO PLAY "FUNKY COLD MEDINA" BY TONE LOC.]
JACK: Okay, now it's a party.
JACK: Okay. [JACK BEGINS DANCING WHILE FOLDING] Do you see? Do you see why it's a party? Okay.
[GRACE TURNS OFF THE MUSIC.]
JACK: Hey, what's the big idea?
GRACE: It is such a great song, I think we should save it for sock bundling. Yeah?
JACK: Okay. Okay.
GRACE: You know, we would never have this much fun if Will were here. You know, he practically ruined my good old-fashioned find-the-bad-smell party.
JACK: Why does he always have to be in such a bad mood? With those-- With those angry arms. [IMITATING WILL YELLING WHILE HOLDING OUT HIS ARMS] Stop taking my money! Stop leaving crumbs on the carpet! Stop making fun of my angry arms!
GRACE: Yup, sometimes he could be a little mean and intense.
JACK: Wow. Do you think he'd ever kill us?
GRACE: No, come on. It's Will.
[BEAT]
GRACE: Maybe you should move your glass off the coffee table.
JACK: If we leave one more ring, she gonna snap.
[SOMEONE BEGINS FUMBLING AT THE DOOR LOCK FROM OUTSIDE...]
GRACE: [PANICKING] Oh, my god!
JACK: [PANICKING] Oh, my god!
GRACE: [PANICKING] Pick up the glass! Wipe down the ring!
JACK: You're right, first he sees The Ring, and then we die!
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR. HE'S ON CRUTCHES.]
WILL: Hey, what're you guys doing?
JACK: I-I-it's a good old-fashioned folding party. It was Grace's idea! Take her, she has funny genitals!
WILL: A good old-fashioned folding party? [GIGGLES] Hee-hee-hee-hee! Why is it all you have to do is add "good old-fashioned" to something, and you got yourself a good time. Heh. Hey, I hope you saved the fitted sheet for me. It's fun to pretend it's a giant shower cap.
GRACE: Are--are you okay?
[WILL PUSHES THE DOOR SHUT WITH HIS HEAD.]
WILL: Yeah. Oh, I mean I was-- I was in a lotta pain. But then, the doctor gave me these painkillers, and I feel a lot better. About everything, actually.
[HE TRIES TO TOSS HIS KEYS INTO THE BOWL ON THE COFFEE TABLE, BUT THEY MISS AND DROP ONTO THE FLOOR.]
WILL: Oh! No good.
[WILL LAUGHS AND EXITS TO HIS BEDROOM.]
GRACE: [TO JACK] Wow. Cheery Will. I like it.
JACK: Unless he's cheery because he's back there loading his gun!
SCENE III: Liz's Apartment
(KAREN has gone to see LIZ about the apartment. KAREN is sitting on the sofa. LIZ brings her a can of soda and a glass.)
LIZ: So I had this apartment to myself for 10 years because I was having an affair with my boss. And he paid half the rent so we'd have some place nice to "do It."
KAREN: [CHUCKLING] Uh-huh.
LIZ: But then he got murdered. And I-I couldn't really afford it on my own.
KAREN: Mmm.
LIZ: So what's your story?
KAREN: Well, since my marriage ended, I've been living at The Palace. And even though I've made a lot of swell friends, it's lonely.
[KAREN LOOKS AT THE SODA QUESTIONINGLY.]
KAREN: I wanna...
[KAREN TAPS THE SODA CAN INTO THE GLASS; NOTHING COMES OUT.]
KAREN: a real home with...
[KAREN SHAKES THE SODA CAN AT THE GLASS.]
KAREN: ...with, um, with real people. I mean, you're real, right?
[LIZ POPS OPEN THE SODA FOR KAREN.]
LIZ: Super real. So...
[KAREN WATCHES AMAZED AS SHE POURS THE SODA INTO THE GLASS.]
LIZ: Okay, true or false? I'm easy to live with.
KAREN: Um... True.
LIZ: False. I'm a nitpicker supreme. I think it comes from all my years as a professional in the music biz.
KAREN: You're in music?
LIZ: Yeah, I-I didn't want to put it on the ad because then, you know, you just get a bunch of wannabes knocking on the door. I'm an office manager for the company that does those collections you see on T.V. You know, Hits of the '80s, Ladies of the '80s, Rock Ballads of the '80s. Heh-heh. The '90s.
KAREN: Well, I can see why you'd wanna keep that a secret, Liz. I mean, you must never know if people are really liking you just for you or the '80s hits.
LIZ: [NODDING] I know, right?
[LIZ CROSSES HER LEGS "INDIAN STYLE".]
KAREN: Right.
[KAREN TRIES TO CROSS HER LEGS, BUT TIPS OVER. LIZ HELPS HER SIT UP.]
LIZ: So, um, you should know that, you know, I-I like things done a certain way. Just ask Melissa and Keith. They work under me. Like, if they're five minutes late for work, I look at my watch... I look at them... and they just get it.
KAREN: Wow. [WHEW]
LIZ: [SIGHS] Oh! Oh, my God. I totally just bragged. Please tell me to shut up. Cut to me still talking about myself.
KAREN: Um, Liz... I know we haven't known each other very long, but I think that you might be just about the most interesting person I've ever met. I could learn tons from you.
LIZ: Okay, okay, true or false? I think you're great.
KAREN: Um... False.
LIZ: True!
KAREN: Oh, this game is so hard!
[KAREN AND LIZ GIGGLE LOUDLY.]
[KAREN BEGINS TO TIP OVER.]
KAREN: Ah!
[LIZ HELPS HER SIT BACK UP.]
SCENE IV: The Hallway between Will's and Jack's Apartment, Café Jacques'
(JACK is wiping down the table when GRACE exits the elevator.)
GRACE: Oh, Jack. Look, have you seen Will? I've been tryin' him for a couple of days, and he hasn't returned my calls.
JACK: Yeah, I think he's home.
GRACE: He didn't go to work? Is he all right? Is his ankle worse?
JACK: [ANNOYED] Grace, I'm trying to run a business. Okay?
[GRACE ENTERS WILL'S APARTMENT. HE'S SITTING ON THE LOVE SEAT WATCHING TV.]
WILL: Hey, sweetie!
[GRACE SITS DOWN ON THE LOVE SEAT WITH WILL.]
WILL: Look! TiVo saved all the "American Idols" for me. I love Paula Abdul. And I love that we live in a world that would give a Paula Abdul a second chance.
GRACE: Uh, why aren't you at work?
WILL: Oh, I'm sick. My ankle still hurts. Yeah, oh, oh, oh. Watch this. Wait, wait... [SINGING TO THE AMERICAN IDOL MUSIC] Woh-oh-woh-oh. [CHUCKLES] Another thing I love. Those little interstitials before they go to commercial. You know, like-like in "60 Minutes."
WILL: [MOVING HIS FINGER LIKE A SECOND HAND] Tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic--
GRACE: And stop. Are you okay?
WILL: Never better. Oh, have you ever seen "King of Queens"? It's funny sometimes! But I don't really believe that she'd stay with him... Or do I? No, I don't think I do. Well, I don't have to settle this right now. Oh, hey! I made cookies.
[WILL HOPS UP AND GETS A PLATE OF COOKIES AND OFFERS ONE TO GRACE.]
GRACE: Oh, thanks, sweetie.
[GRACE STARES AT WILL AND BEGINS CRUMBLING THE COOKIE.]
GRACE: [FLAT] Oh, boy. There's chocolate on the carpet. I'm sorry. What a mess.
WILL: Eh, leave it.
GRACE: Okay, now you're freakin' me out!! There are crumbs on the carpet, your robe doesn't match your socks, and, oh, my God, there's no product in your hair! I'm calling 9-1-1!
WILL: Wait, wait, sweetie, sweetie.
[GRACE IS WHIMPERING]
WILL: I'm fine. You know I-I got those nice little pills. [WILL SHAKES THE PILL BOTTLE] Ooh, better call in a refill.
GRACE: Already?
WILL: Little secret: if you cheat and take 'em a little closer together, you can avoid the pain completely. Heh! It's even pretty effective in squashing the lingering ache from having to work so hard for my mother's affection, making it nearly impossible for any man to love me enough to make up for the hole she left in my heart. [WILL LAUGHS.]
SCENE V: Liz and Karen's Apartment
(KAREN and LIZ have returned from grocery shopping and begin unpacking their grocery bags.)
KAREN: Wow. That may have been the greatest day of my life. I love errands. They're like mini adventures for undesirables.
LIZ: Okay, so your half of the bill is $30.45, and don't try rounding it down like my last roommate, 'cause that is just "F'd up."
KAREN: Well, you don't have to worry about me, Liz. I intend to pull my own weight around here.
LIZ: Now, did you take a look at the chore wheel? Because you're in charge of emptying the ant traps and organizing the CD tower. [LIZ POINTS AT A PIE CHART ON THE REFRIGERATOR]
KAREN: Wow. How did I go my whole life without ever learning any of those words?
[LIZ PULLS A BOX OUT OF THE BAG.]
LIZ: [WHINING] Karen! You shouldn't have bought this cheesecake. I'm, like, totally eating healthy this week. Ugh! Heh. Cut to me eating this whole cheesecake.
KAREN: [GIGGLES] Oh, Liz. I love when you do "cut to me."
LIZ: Everybody does.
KAREN: Oh, Lizzie. I rented us a video. Ha ha ha ha!
[KAREN PULLS A JUG OF WINE OUT OF THE BAG. KAREN AND LIZ GIGGLE.]
LIZ: You are going to get me into so much trouble.
KAREN: If you're lucky.
LIZ: You're crazy.
KAREN: Like a fox.
LIZ: I doubt it.
KAREN: You wish.
LIZ: Don't I ever.
KAREN: You and what army? Ha ha ha ha!
[LIZ LOOKS CONFUSED.]
[KAREN AND LIZ SIT DOWN ON THE SOFA AND POUR THE WINE INTO COFFEE MUGS.]
KAREN: Oh, Lizzy... I'm so glad we're roomies. You know, I've lived with men practically my whole life, I didn't know what I was missing. I mean, the bond that can grow when two single gals share a tacky apartment with too many clocks and vanilla candles.
LIZ: You know what, Karen? Guys just mess everything up... Or get murdered.
KAREN: Yeah.
LIZ: We are strong, independent career women. We don't need men to make us happy.
KAREN: You said it, sister.
[LIZ AND KAREN TAP THEIR MUGS IN A TOAST AND TAKE A DRINK.]
KAREN: So you wanna go see if we can get laid?
LIZ: [BURPS] Totally.
[KAREN AND LIZ GET UP TO GET READY TO GO OUT.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(WILL walks over to his coat, which is draped over his crutches, and reaches into the pocket.)
[THE POCKET IS EMPTY.]
WILL: Huh. That's weird.
[GRACE POPS UP FROM BEHIND THE KITCHEN COUNTER.]
GRACE: Looking for these, Miss Taylor? [GRACE HOLDS THE PILL BOTTLE UP.]
WILL: What're you doing here? Give me those.
GRACE: No. We're not going to let you do this to yourself. We think you have a problem. And we ate all your Mueslix.
WILL: Who's "we"?
[JACK POPS UP FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER, HOLDING A BOWL OF CEREAL.]
JACK: [WITH MOUTH FULL] We wanna help you, Will.
WILL: Get out of my apartment!
GRACE: No. You have a problem. You have got to get off, gotta get off this merry-go-round.
WILL: I want those pills! I have pain!
JACK: Effie, we all got pain! Look, we understand. You're an elderly gay man with a poochie tummy and an unappealing personality. Why wouldn't you be in pain?
WILL: I-- Wait a minute, those aren't even my pills. Those are just old antibiotics.
GRACE: They are?
[WILL GRABS FOR THE BOTTLE AND GRACE JUMPS BACK.]
GRACE: [GASPS] Oh! Ooh, crack whores are sneaky!
[WILL CHASES AFTER GRACE TO GET THE PILLS.]
GRACE: No! No! Oh, wait, look! These pills have become a crutch. And these crutches have become a coat rack.
WILL: [SIGHS] Damn, you're right. Okay, we'll do it your way. I'll just, uh... bring in the paper, and we'll make a pot of coffee. Start a whole new day. Hmm.
[WILL EXITS TO THE HALLWAY.]
JACK: We're good friends.
GRACE: Smart of us to catch on.
[GRACE AND JACK HOLD HANDS.]
[BEAT]
[BEAT]
[BEAT]
[BEAT]
GRACE: He's not coming back, right?
JACK: No, no, I don't think so.
SCENE VII: A Local Bar
(KAREN and LIZ are standing at the bar waiting for their drinks. "Groove Is On" by Groove Armada is playing while LIZ and KAREN bob their head to the music.)
[THE BARTENDER GIVES LIZ AND KAREN THEIR DRINKS.]
LIZ: Thanks, Tony. [TO KAREN] That's Tony. When I first start coming here, I thought he was gross. Cut to me flat on my back on his futon.
KAREN: God, this is great. Casual sex, mookie bartenders, dirty futons... This is the stuff of life. I'm gonna get an S.T.D. tonight!
LIZ: Save my place. I rubbed off all my body glitter dancing with that ugly guy. You know, it was really nice of me to dance with somebody that looks like that.
KAREN: Mm-hmm.
[LIZ WALKS OFF TO THE BATHROOM.]
[WILL QUICKLY WALKS UP TO KAREN. HE'S WEARING A HOODED SWEATSHIRT.]
WILL: Oh, Karen, good. Rosario said you'd be here.
KAREN: How did she know where I was?
WILL: Apparently, the last time Plastic Surgeon had you under, Rosario had a locator chip put in your head.
KAREN: [RUBBING A SPOT ON HER FOREHEAD] Is that what that is? I always thought that was a piece of a bullet.
WILL: I was just wondering, do you-do you have anything for pain? 'Cause, you know, I fell off my clogs, and Grace stole my pills.
KAREN: [SCOFFS] Can't you fairies ever sing a different tune?
[LIZ WALKS UP AND CHECKS WILL OUT.]
LIZ: Hey, Karen. I like your friend. He's very "8 Mile."
KAREN: Oh. Hey, roomie. This is my 'mo friend, Will.
LIZ: [DISAPPOINTED] Oh.
KAREN: He's also a pill head.
WILL: No, no. No, no, no. I'm not a pill head.
LIZ: I dated this guy once that was into drugs, right around the time that I was into drugs.
[WILL NOTICES THAT JACK AND GRACE ARE OUTSIDE PEEKING IN THE WINDOW.]
WILL: Oh, crap. I gotta get outta here. Maybe my mom's got some pills left over from that arthritis she got when dad told her he didn't love her anymore and maybe never did.
[WILL RUNS OFF.]
[GRACE AND JACK ENTER.]
GRACE: Karen, have you seen Will?
LIZ: [TO GRACE] Excuse you, rude. We were talking.
KAREN: [TO LIZ] Oh, this is my boss, Liz. [SOTTO] The one I was telling you about.
LIZ: [TO GRACE] I've got people working under me too. Melissa and Keith. That's two people. [LIZ AND KAREN BOTH HOLD UP TWO FINGERS.]
JACK: [TO LIZ] Um, I know we just met, but as a gay man, I'm oddly drawn to you.
LIZ: Yeah, I get that a lot.
GRACE: Me too. Oh, hey, there's Will. Okay, nice to meet you.
[GRACE AND JACK RUN AFTER WILL.]
LIZ: She's really confidant for somebody with such small boobs.
[KAREN NODS HER HEAD IN AGREEMENT.]
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL is digging through the sofa cushions.)
WILL: Come on, feel good buddy. I know there's one in here.
WILL: [FINDING A PILL] Ah-ha! [WILL SMELLS THE PILL] Damn tic-tacs! [WILL TOSSES THE TIC-TAC.]
GRACE: Will, stop.
WILL: Get outta here.
JACK: We are not leaving! The pain is in your head, Will! And now you're hooked on the junk!
WILL: [SCREECHING] I fell off my clog!
GRACE: At some point, every one falls off their clogs, but you gotta get back on your clogs and work through the pain. And even though you may wanna take off your clogs again, you gotta keep 'em on. And you gotta make a lotta noise when you walk. And-- Okay, wait, how did I get into this?
JACK: Will. Let me show you something. It's not going to be pretty. Come on.
[JACK TAKES WILL'S HAND AND LEADS HIM TO THE MIRROR OVER THE FIREPLACE.]
JACK: Come on, man! Look at yourself. Now, look at me. I am adorable. Now back to you. You look awful!
WILL: I look the same.
JACK: Outta my way, you're blocking my view. [JACK PUSHES WILL AWAY AND FIXES HIS HAIR IN THE MIRROR.]
GRACE: Will, you have to face it. You're not yourself. You haven't been to work in three days. You threw your dry cleaning on a chair. You told your mother that you'd call her back. And then... you did.
WILL: My God, what's happened to me?
[GRACE PULLS WILL TO HER AND HOLDS HIM, HOLDING HIS HEAD TO HER BREAST.]
GRACE: It's okay. Oh, baby. It's okay. It's okay, mama.
[GRACE BEGINS SINGING THE JEWISH SONG "MA NISHTANA".]
GRACE: [SINGING] Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh...
WILL: Where is that tic-tac?
[GRACE CONTINUES SINGING....]
SCENE IX: The Local Bar
(LIZ and KAREN are having a drink at the bar.)
LIZ: Man, I am so buzzed.
KAREN: You wanna French?
LIZ: Not right now.
KAREN: Okay.
LIZ: I got my eye on this guy. I think he's really into me, or at least he's gonna be.
KAREN: I got my eye on some one too. Let me look for him.
[KAREN AND LIZ BOTH SCAN THE ROOM.]
KAREN AND LIZ: [BOTH GASP] There he is!
KAREN AND LIZ: [BOTH] Kurt!
LIZ: Wait, you can't like him. I like him.
KAREN: But I like him too.
LIZ: Well you have to back off.
KAREN: Why?
LIZ: Because it's the first rule of being a good roommate. You can't go after the same guy.
KAREN: Then why don't you back off?
LIZ: Because I saw him first.
KAREN: How do you know?
LIZ: How do you know I didn't?
KAREN: Damn, your street smarts!
LIZ: I'm going for him.
KAREN: I'm going for him too!
[LIZ AND KAREN RUN UP TO KURT.]
LIZ: Hey, Kurt, mind if I join you?
KURT: Well, I'm kinda dancing with her. [KURT MOTIONS TO THE WOMAN HE IS DANCING WITH.]
LIZ: Or would you rather be dancing with an office manager?
[LIZ GETS IN BETWEEN KURT AND NAOMI.]
NAOMI: You know, I was here.
LIZ: And now you're gone.
[LIZ PUSHES HER AWAY.]
LIZ: Hey, Kurt, check this out.
[LIZ DOES SOME DANCE MOVES, SHAKING HER BUTT AT KURT.]
KAREN: Hey, Kurt, look at me! [SHAKING HER BREASTS] Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!
LIZ: Kurt! Kurt! Oh, yeah.
[KAREN AND LIZ BEGIN DANCING AROUND KURT.]
KAREN: Kurt. Oh, Kurt, yeah. Here I am.
LIZ: Oh, yeah.
KAREN: I'm your lady, Kurt.
[KAREN AND LIZ RUB THEIR BODIES ON KURT AS THEY MOVING AROUND HIM.]
LIZ: Take it, take it, yeah.
KAREN: Whooo! Oh, yeah.
LIZ: Ooh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
[KURT SQUEEZES OUT FROM BETWEEN LIZ AND KAREN AND RUNS OFF.]
[KAREN AND LIZ ARE BACK TO BACK, RUBBING AGAINST EACH OTHER.]
KAREN: Oh. Oh, baby. Oh, yeah.
LIZ: Oh, oh, oh.
[LIZ TURNS AROUND AND CUPS KAREN'S BREASTS]
LIZ: Kurt, have you been working out?
[KAREN GASPS]
LIZ: Wait, you're not Kurt!
KAREN: You're not Kurt either! Now look what you've done.
LIZ: Me?! You scared him off with your big boobies and your weird bisexual vibe. He was into me!
KAREN: No one's into you. You're an oddly confidant 40-year-old secretary.
LIZ: I'm a professional in the music business with two people working under me.
KAREN: Melissa and Keith hate you!
LIZ: Take it back! [LIZ PUSHES KAREN.]
KAREN: [GASPS] No! [KAREN PUSHES LIZ.]
LIZ: Yes! [LIZ PUSHES KAREN.]
[KAREN GASPS AND GRABS LIZ BY THE ARM AND PUSHES HER. HER SLEEVE RIPS OFF.]
LIZ: [SCREAMS] Oh! You ripped it. This is everybody's favorite top on me!
KAREN: Who's "everybody"? Melissa and Keith? They hate you! [MANIACAL LAUGHTER] Ha ha ha ha!
[LIZ GRABS THE HAIR POUF OFF THE TOP OF KAREN'S HEAD.]
KAREN: [SHOCKED GASP] Give me that! Give me that!
[LIZ HOLDS THE HAIR PIECE IN THE AIR AS KAREN TRIES TO GRAB IT.]
SCENE X: Liz and Karen's Apartment
(LIZ and KAREN return home from the bar.)
LIZ: You know, of all my bad roommate experiences, this has been the third worst. That born-again Asian queen with a guinea pig was a better roommate than you!
KAREN: Yeah? Well, of all the bars I've ever been kicked out of, that one had the best onion blossom.
LIZ: News flash: I want you out. You're a sucky roommate!
KAREN: What? You mean you're gonna end our friendship over some man in Dockers with Red Bull breath?
LIZ: I could've loved him. I want you to write me a check for the rest of the month's rent and get out.
KAREN: You know, I just wanted to try a new experience. I thought maybe if my life had been different, I-I'd be happier right now.
LIZ: You're obviously mistaking me for somebody who cares. Look, just write the check. Make it out to the landlord, "Walker Property Management."
[KAREN SITS BACK SMUGLY.]
LIZ: Oh, and add on $1.09. You ate one of my yogurts.
KAREN: Let's see, how do I break this to you? True or false? I own this building.
LIZ: Huh?
KAREN: True. Heh-heh-heh. Yeah, I am Walker Property Management, and I think I want you out.
LIZ: Wait a minute! We're roommates. We're friends, we could be lovers. I'll take that French now.
KAREN: Sorry Lizzy Boredom, you've left me no choice. That's right, cut to you...living in a dumpster. Oop.
[KAREN PICKS UP THE JUG OFF WINE OF THE TABLE AND EXITS.]
SCENE XI: Will's Apartment
(WILL sits down on the couch between JACK and GRACE. He has just got out of the shower and is wearing robe and drying his hair.)
GRACE: Feeling any better?
WILL: Yeah. I'm Sorry. I don't know what happened to me. I was really out of control. But I guess I had to hit rock bottom before I could admit I had a problem.
GRACE: Will. It was three days.
WILL: Really? God I was so whacked out, it seemed like a long weekend.
GRACE: You know, maybe you control yourself too much. Maybe if you lost it just a little bit every once in a while you wouldn't have it build up so much.
JACK: And... and then no one would have to die...