Episode #5.15
Original Airdate 2/6/2003
Written by Bill Wrubel
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Minnie Driver (Lorraine Finster)
Tom Gallop (Rob)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
Jerry Levine (Joe)
Tim Bagley (Larry)
SCENE I: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE is working when JACK enters, carrying a piece of paper.)
JACK: Okay, I have a big problem with this love letter you wrote to your husband in Africa?
GRACE: Where did you get this? I gave this to Karen to mail yesterday.
JACK: Yeah, and she gave it to me to read, laugh at, and make copies of. That's how we've been doing it for years.
GRACE: That is a gross invasion of privacy! Besides, I thought that's what we did to Will!
JACK: Come on, you gotta throw us a little something spicy in there. Where do you keep recent photos of yourself squatting naked on a sheepskin rug?
GRACE: Right next to the picture of me doing this. [GRACE FLICKS JACK ON THE FOREHEAD. JACK FLINCHES.]
JACK: All right, come over to my apartment tonight. We'll start all over. Bring some tracing paper, and don't wear any underwear.
GRACE: Tempting... but Will and I are getting together. Finally. It's been, like, forever. I mean, between me living in Brooklyn and him working all the time--
[JACK IS STARING OFF INTO SPACE.]
GRACE: And now you're thinking about tracing your own thing.
[KAREN ENTERS.]
GRACE: Ah, hey, Karen. What are ya doin'?
KAREN: Oh, just a sec.
[KAREN OPENS UP THE WINDOW AND LEANS OUT.]
KAREN: [SCREAMING] Stanley walker is a dirty pig, and I hope he rots in hellll!
[KAREN SHUTS THE WINDOW AND SITS DOWN AT HER DESK.]
KAREN: [CALMLY] I'm good. How are you guys?
[JACK GRABS GRACE BY THE PONY TAIL AND THROWS HER OVER TO KAREN'S DESK.]
GRACE: Problem with Stan?
KAREN: I can't believe him. Parading around town with that new British slut of his! Last week they had dinner at the mayor's mansion. Mm-hmm. Apparently, she spent the entire night sitting on his lap, feeding him steaks.
KAREN: [IN A COCKNEY ACCENT] 'Ere's a nice T-bone for ya, love. Hope you saved room for a bucket of "po-tah-toes." [NORMAL VOICE] Oh, I regret the day I ever laid boobs on that man!
GRACE: God, that's just awful.
KAREN: Yeah.
GRACE: [TO JACK] Okay, your turn.
JACK: Kare, during all my struggles, you've constantly been partially there for me. Is there anything I can pretend to do for you now?
KAREN: Well, there is, Jackie. You know, there's, uh, one last box of my personal effects at the mans. It's mostly sentimental stuff-- Old photos, birthday cards. The receipt I got when Rosario's parents sold her to me. That kinda thing.
JACK: Wh-what are you saying? I mean, would I like to spend a few unsupervised hours rummaging through your closet? Does a gay bear have anonymous sex in the woods?
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
[GRACE ENTERS, SLAMMING THE DOOR. SHE'S CARRYING A PAPER GROCERY BAG.]
GRACE: God, that doorman's a real jerk. I lived here five years. I move out, suddenly, Tony looks at me like he's never seen me before?
WILL: Tony retired at Christmas, Grace. That's the new doorman, Abe, who's black, while Tony was white.
GRACE: I don't see people that way.
WILL: So...you ready to rock the house? You ready to kick out the jams?
GRACE: Let's do it to it. I brought the cheese.
[GRACE OPENS UP THE BAG.]
WILL: She brought the cheese! Oh, you actually brought cheese.
GRACE: Yeah. Cheese night. Like we used to do. [UNPACKING THE BAG] Brought a little camembert, a little stilton, a little gouda... and some Kraft singles, 'cause I love that clammy feeling when you hold them up against your face.
WILL: I've been off dairy for two months. Didn't I tell you?
GRACE: Did you?
WILL: I thought I did.
GRACE: So, no cheese?
WILL: Sorry. But hey, hey, hey! We can still do... movie night! I got The Rookie. I know-- Baseball, yuck. But Dennis Quaid, yum! And Dennis Quaid in a cup... yummer.
GRACE: Um, I already saw that with Leo.
WILL: But we were gonna see it together.
GRACE: Six months ago.
WILL: You know what? It's fine. That just means that we have the whole night to sit here and talk. Huh?
[WILL SITS ON THE COUCH.]
GRACE: Yes, we have tons to catch up on. [SIGHS]
[GRACE SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIM AND KICKS UP HER FEET ONTO HIS LAP.]
[AWKWARD SILENCE AS THE TWO LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN OFF INTO SPACE.]
SCENE III: Stanley Walker's Penthouse
[JACK ENTERS KAREN'S HUGE MULTI-ROOM CLOSET, LOOKING AROUND AND SMILING. HE PICKS UP A BOX AND BEGINS LOOKING AROUND.]
[A WOMAN COMES AROUND THE CORNER AND SEES HIM.]
WOMAN: [WITH A COCKNEY ACCENT] What are you doing in this closet? You look like the kind of man that should be coming out of one.
JACK: I have business here. Who are you?
WOMAN: I might ask the same question of you.
JACK: Why, I'm Jack, Karen's friend. She didn't wanna come 'cause she didn't wanna run into that British slut. With your thick Hungarian accent, you obviously work here. Have you--have you met her? What's she like?
WOMAN: Well, she's got curly hair, like me, long legs, like me. She shags like a banshee, like me. And her favorite dance move is this: [SHE DOES A LITTLE DANCE MOVE.]
JACK: [GASPS] So you're that tart from the prison who stole Karen's husband right out from on top of her!
LORRAINE: I'm the new woman in Stan's life. Lorraine Finster. [PUTS HER HANDS ON HER HIPS AND SWINGS THEM] Get...a load...of me. [SHE STICKS OUT HER BUTT.]
JACK: Stay away from me! Don't look at me! Or my package! [JACK HOLDS THE BOX IN FRONT OF HIS CROTCH.]
LORRAINE: How can I not? It's looking at me.
JACK: You like it now, you should see it at night, when it's all lit up.
[JACK LIFTS THE BOX AND SNICKERS. HE QUICKLY RECOMPOSES HIMSELF.]
JACK: No! No! Karen Walker's my friend! I don't want anything to do with you! Good day, Miss. I said, good day!
[JACK TURNS ON HIS HEELS AND QUICKLY WALKS TO THE DOOR.]
LORRAINE: Are you a dancer?
[JACK PRANCES BACK INTO THE ROOM.]
JACK: Why would you say that?
LORRAINE: Well, it struck me that you have the bearing of a dancer. Now, perhaps I'm wrong, but I was a ballerina back in the U.K., So I tend to have a bit of an eye for these things.
JACK: Well... Heh heh... In some circles, I'm known as a dancer. Actually, they're not so much circles, as cages.
LORRAINE: Well...actually... I wasn't so much a ballerina, as a stripper.
[LORRAINE PICKS UP A BOX OF CHOCOLATE.]
LORRAINE: Bon-bon?
JACK: Uh, love one.
[LORRAINE TOSSES A BON-BON TO JACK. HE CATCHES IT IN HIS MOUTH.]
JACK: Wow. We were both at the bottom, and we pulled ourselves up with true grit and other people's money. I admire us.
LORRAINE: I'm a little in love with you.
JACK: Really?! 'Cause I feel like I could fall too. But I can't! You're the enemy!
[JACK CROSSES HIS ARMS AND TURNS HIS BACK.]
LORRAINE: Or am I your new best friend?
[JACK TURNS AROUND SMILING.]
JACK: Damn, I think you are!
[JACK EATS A BON-BON.]
SCENE VI: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE is standing at her work table when KAREN enters.)
KAREN: Honey, uh... I'm a little concerned that you and Will aren't connecting anymore.
GRACE: [CAUGHT OFF-GUARD] Why do you say that?
KAREN: Oh, well, you mention it in this letter you wrote to your husband in Africa.
[KAREN PULLS OUT GRACE'S LETTER FROM HER PURSE.]
GRACE: God, you people! That's awful! Unless we're doing it to Will! [SIGHS] Things are weird with us. We're off. It's like we've lost our mojo. Or, in our case, our "homojo."
KAREN: Well, honey, you know what you have to do, huh? Seduce him. Yeah, go to La Perla, buy some sexy thongs and bra-- [KAREN LOOKS AT GRACE'S CHEST AND TOUCHES HER ARM SYMPATHETICALLY] -- undershirts... Put on some Paul Anka, bend him over the couch, and have at him!
GRACE: You know Will and I don't have sex.
KAREN: Well, then, honey, what's your version of sex, huh? What gets you two excited?
GRACE: The most excited?
KAREN: Uh-huh. Yeah.
GRACE: That would have to be, without question... game night.
KAREN: Ooohh! Game night! Ooh, sounds tedious. You should do that.
GRACE: You know what? You're right. We should! It is so-- It's so fun! Every year, Joe and Larry and Rob and Ellen come over, and we have this--this big, huge parlor game blowout. We play for the "Suck On It" cup.
KAREN: [FORCED HEARTY LAUGHTER] God, that's tragic! What's that?
GRACE: [LAUGHS] It's a trophy. And we call it the "suck on it" cup because when you win-- And Will and I always win-- You get to turn to the losers and say, "Suck on it!!"
KAREN: [FORCED LAUGHTER] Which lever do I pull to be crushed by a safe? Well, honey, what are you waiting for? I mean, come on, call that Mo and Mary and Blob and Yellen and get 'em over to your place!
GRACE: God, this is just perfect. This is--this is just what Will and I need. Thank you, Karen. You know, sometimes, even a wet brain makes sense.
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is sitting at her desk. JACK enters, carrying her box of stuff.)
JACK: Hey, Kare.
KAREN: Hey, poodle, where have you been? I've been waiting for almost half a Xanax.
JACK: Oh, you know, that closet of yours is so much fun. Anyway, here's your stuff.
[JACK PUTS THE BOX ON KAREN'S DESK.]
KAREN: Oh, Jackie, thank you. At last, I'm out of Stan's shadow. Well, if I leave the Tristate area. [LAUGHS.]
JACK: No prob, it was cinchy. So, I-I'll see ya later.
KAREN: Jack?
JACK: [BREAKS DOWN] I'm sorry! I met Stan's new girlfriend, Lorraine. We spent the whole day together. It was magical. Like a movie. Like something Miramax would shove down the Academy's throat during Oscar time. There, I said it.
KAREN: Uh, I was just gonna ask you why my teddy is missing.
JACK: Oh, I'm gonna add a flounce to make him more masculine. Anyway, Kare... you'd really like her. The three of us should go away for the weekend together. Amish country, maybe.
KAREN: Huh, fun. I do like a nice apple butter.
JACK: So it's...it's okay?
KAREN: Oh, cutie, of course it is! Come here, you! [LAUGHS.]
[KAREN HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS TO HUG JACK AND THEN GRABS HIM IN A HEADLOCK.]
KAREN: You backstabbing boy bitch! You are never, never seeing her again! Do you hear me?! You stay away from that London hog, or I'll put fishhooks in your nipples and fly you off the Chrysler Building! You got that?!
[KAREN THROWS JACK'S HEAD BACK.]
JACK: Aah!
KAREN: Hiyah!
[KAREN THROWS JACK TO THE GROUND.]
JACK: Ooh!
[KAREN PUTS HER FOOT ON JACK'S STOMACH.]
KAREN: [SIGH] Why do you make me do this to you?
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(WILL is putting out snacks for game night while JACK watches.)
JACK: But Lorraine's just so much fun. And I love my accent when I'm with her. [IN A BAD COCKNEY ACCENT] It's so bleedin' 'ard to stay 'way.
WILL: So what? You just met this woman, and Karen's been with you for thousands of dollars.
JACK: The damn Brit gets me, Will. She sees what's underneath.
WILL: Right down to the surface.
JACK: So tell me, what is this "gay night" you're having? And why isn't this invited? [JACK MOTIONS TO HIMSELF.]
WILL: It's "game night." It's nothing like "gay night." It's a whole evening of interesting games, and someone goes home with a "Suck On It" cup. Actually, it's quite a bit like "gay night."
JACK: You know, it's good you and Grace are doing this. You guys have been really off lately.
WILL: So you've noticed?
JACK: I... may have read it in a letter somewhere.
WILL: Well... this is our chance to get it back. Whenever Grace and I were having problems in the past, game night was always the fix. Something about lording it over our suburban friends with our mastery of showbiz trivia that really gets to the core of what makes our relationship special. You know, game night even solved the big fight of '91?
JACK: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. [JACK POPS A POTATO CHIP.]
WILL: Don't you wanna know what that fight was about?
JACK: You know, I trust that it solved it, so... [HOLDS UP HIS HAND, SHAKES HIS HEAD.]
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
(Game Night. They're playing Pictionary. WILL and GRACE are up--WILL is drawing. ROB, ELLEN, and LARRY are sitting down watching. JOE is timing.)
JOE: Ready? And go!
GRACE: A duck. A chicken. An emu. Uma Thurman. Shamu. Okay, no. Okay. The sun. The moon. Reverend Sun Myung Moon. An eclipse. Eclair. Claire Danes. A great dane. Dame Judy Dench. Dame Maggie Smith--
WILL: Enough with the dames!
ELLEN: Ah-ah! No talking!
JOE: Ten seconds.
GRACE: Okay... Oh, a flower! A gun! A garden! Madison Square Garden!
LARRY: Time!
WILL: [SIGHS] Garden of Eden.
GRACE: What?! That's not in Midtown!
WILL: [ANNOYED] I didn't draw "Midtown."
SCENE VIII: Stanley Walker's Penthouse
(LORRAINE is rummaging through the clothes when KAREN enters.)
KAREN: [SIGHS] Well, well. You just move right in, don't ya? I guess the guy I paid to hussy-proof this place missed a few spots.
LORRAINE: Well, you must be the old Mrs. Walker. And you were married to Stan as well, weren't you?
KAREN: [SNIFFING] What's that smell?
LORRAINE: Stan's favorite perfume. Dab of roast beef behind each knocker.
KAREN: Lamb chops work too. But I'm not here to discuss beauty tips. Where's my Jackie? Hmm? I know you've got him. And you know how I know? Because I really think so.
LORRAINE: Well, you're mistaken. Now, I believe you know where the door is. It's the tall, square thing you go through on your way to the plastic surgeon.
KAREN: [GASPS] Why, you slimy limey! I've got half a mind to--! [COMPOSING HERSELF] No. No, I'm going to take the high road. And not just because I'm high. I'll be leaving now. Just going to take one little thing with me.
[KAREN PULLS JACK OUT FROM BEHIND SOME CLOTHES.]
KAREN: Come on, Jackie. [TO LORRAINE] You listen to me, little missy. You may have taken my steer, but I'll be damned if you're gonna take my queer! [TO JACK] Come on!
[KAREN TAKES JACK'S HAND AND HEADS TO THE DOOR.]
LORRAINE: Jackie, where are you going?
JACK: B-but I--
LORRAINE: Come here.
[JACK SLOWLY BEGINS WALKING TO LORRAINE.]
KAREN: Jack, no. Come here. [SNAPPING HER FINGERS] Come to me. Come on.
LORRAINE: Jackie, come. Come on. Oh, that's a good Jackie.
[BOTH CALL JACK AT ONCE LIKE A PUPPY. JACK RUNS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE TWO.]
KAREN: Come here, Jackie.
LORRAINE: Come here, Jackie.
KAREN: Jackie, come here.
LORRAINE: Jackie, come.
KAREN: That's a good boy, Jackie! Oh, looky here! [KAREN PULLS OUT A TENNIS BALL AND WAVES IT AROUND.]
KAREN: Come here, Jackie, come here.
JACK: All right, stop it! You're gonna make me piddle! If you're gonna make me choose, then I choose Karen.
[KAREN GASPS]
JACK: I'm sorry, Lorraine. I like you, but I love Karen. We have a special bond. And let's face it. It would take four of your boobs to fill one of her cups.
KAREN: Oh, poodle, do you mean it?
JACK: Of course. Your boobs are huge!
LORRAINE: Mine will be too, a week from Monday.
KAREN: Come on, Jackie, let's go home, pass out, and forget this ever happened.
JACK: And I swear I'll never cheat on you again.
[KAREN AND JACK EXIT. JACK COMES BACK.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] Hey, if Karen dies, I'll totally call you.
[JACK EXITS.]
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(Game Night Continued.)
JOE: Okay, going into the final round, Larry and I are in first, Rob and Ellen, you're second, Will and Grace, you guys are in third. Or, as we like to call it, last with a big "L" for "loser!"
WILL: Hey Hey! We can still win this, you know.
GRACE: Yeah, we still have 30 seconds. We can take it.
ROB: Wow. That is pressure. Hope you don't [YELLING] crack!
[GRACE JUMPS.]
ROB: [TO ELLEN] See how I got in her head?
ELLEN: You've already been in her pants.
GRACE: Okay, you ready?
WILL: Yeah, I'm ready. Why would you think I wasn't ready?
GRACE: Because earlier, when we were playing charades, and I went like this [MAKES THE "MOVIE" SIGNAL], you said "parmesan."
WILL: You don't realize how important cheese is until it's gone.
JOE: All right, you ready? Go.
WILL: Okay, uh, uh, uh, she--she's an actress, her last name is a senator, ran for President.
GRACE: Gore. Lesley Gore. Gore Vidal. Vidal Sassoon. Paul Mitchell.
WILL: No. Lost to Nixon.
GRACE: Okay, Mondale, Dukakis, Humphrey. Holly Humphrey!
WILL: Okay, time out!
ELLEN: Ah! You can't call time out!
WILL: Au contraire, my pregnant friend! The timeout was established after the great bathroom controversy of 1997! Each team may call one, and only one, time out, per tournament, as long as a new clue is selected upon their return. Read your rule book! [TO GRACE] Come on, Grace!
[WILL PULLS GRACE INTO THE HALLWAY.]
[LARRY PICKS UP THE BOOK.]
LARRY: Guys, he's right. And we're sitting in the wrong order. [TO ELLEN] Here, you need to be over here...
[EVERYONE MOVES AROUND, CHANGING PLACES.]
[CUT TO THE HALLWAY.]
WILL: [ANNOYED] What happened to you? Do you know what it means if they beat us in there tonight? It means they're gonna look at us with the same mix of pity and disgust that we do them, and I'm not about to let that happen! I mean--I mean--
GRACE: Will... We've lost it.
WILL: What?
GRACE: Whatever it is we had... that...connection. That thing that made us...us. It's just-- it's not there anymore.
WILL: Sure it is. It--it--it--it's... It's really not, is it?
GRACE: No. And I don't know if it's because I got married, or because we're not living together anymore or what, but it's gone. It's like we lost our mojo.
WILL: Or, in our case, our "homojo."
GRACE: Get. Out. That is exactly what I said.
WILL: What?! When?
GRACE: The other day. To Karen.
WILL: Whoa, slow down. You did?
GRACE: Yeah.
WILL: Why didn't you call me?
GRACE: I don't know, it was a gay pun. It just seemed a little small.
WILL: But that's exactly what we're missing.
[GRACE SIGHS.]
WILL: We need to check in, and not just about the big important stuff, but the little, trivial things that people really care about.
GRACE: It was just so much easier when we were living together. You know, I get an overzealous bikini wax, that's three hours of conversation. Now, we gotta make an effort. You gotta call me... if you go off cheese.
WILL: I know-- You're right. That--that was stupid. You know, I think I might have called and then hung up.
[WILL COVERS HIS MOUTH. GRACE CLOSES HER EYES AND TURNS HER HEAD AWAY.]
GRACE: Still think we're gonna be okay?
WILL: I think we are.
GRACE: Promise?
[WILL AND GRACE HUG AND KISS AND LAUGH.]
[THEY GO BACK INTO THE APARTMENT.]
JOE: Oh, look who's back. It's the losers.
ELLEN: Losers!
LARRY: Suck on it!
JOE LARRY AND ROB: Suck on it!
ELLEN: How's that taste?! Suck on it!
WILL: We still have a little time left.
ROB: Oh, yeah, three seconds. And no one can do that. Not even the great Will and Grace.
[ROB LOOKS AT THE CLUE.]
ROB: [SADISTIC LAUGH] Oh-ho! Ho-ho!
[ROB SHOWS THE CLUE TO JOE, LARRY, AND ELLEN. THEY LAUGH.]
GRACE: [IMPATIENT] Just give him the clue, Blob.
[ROB LOOKS HURT AND HANDS THE CLUE TO WILL.]
JOE: Ready? Go!
WILL: Bangs.
GRACE: Nancy McKeon.
WILL: Yes!
[WILL AND GRACE HUG AS EVERYONE STARES WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN.]
SCENE X: Will's Apartment(JACK, GRACE, and KAREN are reading a letter, giggling.)
KAREN: When did he ask you to mail this?
JACK: Yesterday. Read it, read it, read it.
GRACE: [READING] "And though I've never written one of these fan letters before, Justin..."
[ALL THREE GIGGLE.]
GRACE: [READING] "I just want to wish you all the luck in the world on your solo career."
JACK: Ha-ha-ha! [READING] "Sincerely yours, Will Truman"!
[ALL THREE LAUGH HARD.]
[WILL ENTERS.]
WILL: What are you guys reading?
[EVERYONE STOPS LAUGHING.]
KAREN: Nothing.
[GRACE CRUMBLES THE LETTER AND TOSSES IT BEHIND HER.]