Episode #5.13
Original Airdate 1/9/2003
Written by Tracy Poust & Jon Kinnally
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Dan Futterman (Barry)
Rosanna Arquette (Julie)
Niko Heidt (Waitress)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(JACK is in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal while WILL plays the answering machine messages for him.)
GRACE'S VOICE [ANSWERING MACHINE]: Hey, guys, just wanted to remind you about brunch at our place in Brooklyn today. Can't wait, Love you.
[WILL AND JACK LAUGH.]
JACK: Ha ha, ha ha! She actually thinks we're going to Brooklyn?
WILL: Ha!
JACK: I'm not leaving the state for brunch! That's so stupid.
WILL: Okay, it gets better.
[WILL PRESSES THE BUTTON ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE: BEEP!]
GRACE'S VOICE [ANSWERING MACHINE]: Guys, where are you? I've got salmon. I've got caviar. I've got fruit. Get over here. Love you!
WILL: She could be serving it on top of a Calvin Klein underwear model, I still ain't going to Brooklyn. How sad is that?
JACK: It can't get any sadder.
WILL: Can't it?
[WILL PRESSES THE BUTTON ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE: BEEP!]
GRACE'S VOICE [ANSWERING MACHINE]: [ANNOYED] Nice, real nice. You better be coming. You guys suck! I hate you! [SWEETLY] Love you.
[WILL AND JACK LAUGH.]
[KAREN ENTERS.]
KAREN: Hey. Have you guys gotten any of those messages from Grace? They're hilarious! Blah blah blah--
WILL/JACK/KAREN: [TOGETHER] Love you!
[EVERYONE LAUGHS.]
KAREN: Oh... [SIGHS] So, Wilma, honey, listen. I forget, what are you these days, gay or straight?
[WILL GIVES KAREN A PUZZLED LOOK.]
KAREN: Wait, wait, wait. Let me do a little test. Okay, there's a penis and a vagina in a tent. And it's on fire. Which do you save?
WILL: Why are they in a tent?
KAREN: Honey, I'm trying to do you a favor! I wanna set you up with my cousin, Barry.
WILL: [WITH A DISMISSIVE WAVE] Ugh.
JACK: What?! Why him?! Why not me? Will's hideous! [TO WILL] No, you're not.
JACK: He's gross! [TO WILL] Not really.
JACK: People flee from him! [TO WILL] Not everyone.
KAREN: Poodle, Will needs it more than you do. He's desperate!
WILL: Hey, I resent that.
KAREN: Cute and desperate.
WILL: Thank you.
KAREN: Now, listen to me. Barry is a great guy. Honey, he's smart. He's handsome. Oh, he makes the greatest German dill potato salad for family picnics.
WILL: "Dill"? That's his best quality? He uses dill?
[KAREN NODS.]
WILL: All right, I'll go out with him.
[JACK STANDS WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED.]
KAREN: Now, listen, you're meeting him tonight at eight at the Sherry Bar. And wear something tight. You got good stuff in there. [KAREN POINTS TO WILL'S SHIRT.]
[GRACE ENTERS, AND THROWS HER ARMS UP.]
GRACE: [ANNOYED] Guys! What are you doing? I've been sitting in my apartment all day. I though you were coming to visit me!
WILL: We were just leaving.
JACK: We--we're on our way.
KAREN: We're there. Where are you? Hello?
GRACE: Thanks a lot. You know, Brooklyn is where I live now. And I would think that my friends could take two minutes out of their lives to come visit me. Who needs ya? I'm going home.
[GRACE STORMS TO THE DOOR, BUT STOPS AND TURNS AROUND.]
GRACE: [CRYING] It's so far.
SCENE II: Leo and Grace's Apartment
(The apartment is littered with unpacked boxes. GRACE is talking on the phone with Leo.)
GRACE: [ON PHONE] Yes! Leo, all my stuff is unpacked and the boxes are gone. I know--finally. Yes, that's a lie. But, I promise you I will only lie about the insignificant things. [BEAT] Yes, that's another lie. I'll see you later tonight, okay? I'll have a nice dinner waiting. [BEAT] Yes, that is too.
[GRACE HANGS UP.]
[SOMEONE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.]
GRACE: Who is it?
JULIE: [THROUGH THE DOOR] Your neighbor. I brought you a housewarming gift.
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR. JULIE IS HOLDING A BIG, GREY CAT.]
JULIE: It's a cat. Her name's Pees-On-My-Bed, but feel free to change it to Pees-On-Your-Bed.
GRACE: Thanks, but, um, I'm allergic.
JULIE: Oh, well that's ok. She's a rescue, she didn't expect much out of life. [SIGHS] I'll just go drown her in the tub with the others.
GRACE: What? No!
JULIE: Kidding. I'm just trying to guilt you. Go home, baby.
[JULIE DROPS THE CAT ON THE FLOOR AND GIVES IT A PUSH.]
[JULIE NOTICES A PAIR OF GRACE'S SHOES BY THE DOOR.]
JULIE: God! You have huge feet too. I like that.
[JULIE RUNS IN AND TRIES ON THE SHOES.]
GRACE: Yeah. I waited my whole life to develop, and those are the only things that grew.
JULIE: I'm Julie.
GRACE: Grace.
[JULIE AND GRACE SHAKE HANDS.]
JULIE: Adler.
GRACE: Adler.
JULIE: I know. The old ladies upstairs told me. By the way, that's where all your magazines are.
GRACE: Interesting. Well, the next time Mrs. Rabinowitz fights me for a cab, boom. She's going right down.
JULIE: Oh. You're dark. Leo needs that. You know, we have a nickname for him in the building: "Wish I were doing him instead of my husband."
GRACE: You have no boundaries. I like that.
JULIE: So, do you need a hand unpacking? I'm happy to help... unless you have a bunch of personal, weird stuff you don't want me to see.
GRACE: No. Just don't open the one marked "Tools".
SCENE III: The Sherry Bar
(WILL is sitting at a table, waiting for his blind date, Barry, when JACK enters.)
JACK: Hi, sorry I'm late. Traffic was a biatch.
[JACK SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH WILL.]
JACK: Okay. Clearly Karen meant to fix this guy up with me. So here's how I see it. Barry and I have dinner. You cry quietly at a nearby table until I signal you to pay the check. I go home with him. You cook us brunch tomorrow. Eggs, please.
WILL: Interesting. Here's how I see it. I grab you by the ear.
[WILL GRABS JACK BY THE EAR AND LIFTS HIM OUT OF THE CHAIR.]
JACK: Ow! Ow! Ow!
WILL: I drag you to the door.
[WILL DRAGS JACK TO THE FRONT DOOR BY THE EAR.]
JACK: Ow! Ow! Ow!
WILL: And I push you in front of a car.
JACK: Ow!
[WILL PUSHES JACK OUT THE DOOR. JACK RUNS BACK IN.]
JACK: Wait! You don't understand. Barry is my soul mate.
WILL: You haven't even met him.
JACK: I love him!
WILL: You're crazy.
[WILL PUSHES JACK BACK OUT THE DOOR.]
JACK: [YELLING FROM OUTSIDE] Crazy in love!
[WILL RETURNS TO HIS TABLE. AS HE SITS DOWN, A GEEKY LOOKING GUY SITS AT THE TABLE NEXT TO HIS. THE GUY HAS BIG GLASSES, GREASY HAIR, AND A SCRAGGLY BEARD.]
WILL: Heh. [TO THE GUY] Hey.
MAN: Hey. You got the time? Um, I'm supposed to meet my date here at eight.
WILL: Oh, it's ten after. You know women, they love to make an entrance.
MAN: [ANNOYED] Apparently so does Will.
[WILL REALIZES THAT IT'S HIS DATE, BARRY.]
WILL: Oh. Uh, I'm Will.
BARRY: Oh, nice to meet you.
WILL: Nice to meet you.
BARRY: Nice to meet you, too.
[AN AWKWARD PAUSE.]
BARRY: You know, I don't go on a lot of dates, but at some point aren't we supposed to be at the same table?
WILL: Not always.
[WILL SIGHS AND STANDS UP AND SHAKES BARRY'S HAND.]
WILL: I'm Will.
BARRY: Barry. Cousin Karen didn't do you justice. You're hot.
WILL: She didn't do you justice either. You're--you're here.
WILL: So, shall we order?
[WILL AND BARRY SIT DOWN.]
WILL: Let's order. Kind of a late lunch so I-- and you're holding my hand.
[BARRY LETS GO OF WILL'S HAND.]
BARRY: It's just, uh-- Dating... it's, uh, a little new for me.
WILL: Were you in a long term relationship?
BARRY: Six years. It was pretty serious.
WILL: Oh. What was his name?
BARRY: Mary Elizabeth.
WILL: Was that his drag name? 'Cause I think I may have seen his show.
BARRY: No, it's a woman. I've never been out with a guy before. You're my first! [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
WILL: Huh.
WAITRESS: Can I get anyone a drink?
WILL: Oh, yeah.
BARRY: What do we homosexuals drink, Will?
WILL: Well, legally we can drink whatever we want. That was established in the Flaming Schnapps Act of 1983.
BARRY: [LAUGHS] Ha ha ha ha! Oh, man, this is going great. High five!
[BARRY HOLDS UP HIS HAND. WILL SMACKS IT UNCOMFORTABLY.]
SCENE IV: Leo and Grace's Apartment
(Later. GRACE and JULIE are sitting on the floor going through the last few boxes.)
GRACE: Hey, thanks for helping me unpack.
[JULIE PULLS A PHOTO ALBUM OUT OF A BOX.]
JULIE: Wedding pictures.
GRACE: Oh, no no no. You don't want to look at that. It's fifth in a series. You need to start with volume one.
[GRACE TAKES THE BOOK FROM JULIE AND HANDS HER VOLUME I.]
JULIE: [FLIPPING THROUGH THE PICTURES] Grace, God. This dress is gorgeous. Everything's so nice. When we got married in my sister's backyard, there was dog poop everywhere and she wore shorts.
GRACE: My sister was so high at my wedding she thought it was my bat mitzvah. She kept shoving 20's down my dress.
JULIE: So we have a lot in common. Our sisters are bitches. Both our husbands are doctors. Well, mine's playing one in some Chekhov play in the Bowery. [SCOFFS] He makes $80 a week. And apparently he's not very good.
GRACE: Wow. Your husband's an actor. You're a massage therapist. That is so cool and bohemian. My husband's a doctor. How come we live in the same building?
JULIE: The apartment belonged to my uncle. He died last year.
GRACE: I'm sorry.
JULIE: Keep it to yourself. We haven't told the super.
[GRACE STANDS UP, HOLDING HER BACK.]
GRACE: [GROANING] Oh.
JULIE: Your back?
GRACE: Yeah, I pulled it at the gym. Well, on the phone talking about going to the gym.
JULIE: Well, let me give you a massage. I'll grab my table.
GRACE: No. No, no, no. You've done too much for me already.
JULIE: Oh, please. I'm just so happy to talk to a neighbor about something other than the Holocaust.
[LATER. GRACE IS UNDER A SHEET, LYING ON HER STOMACH JULIE'S MASSAGE TABLE. GRACE'S EYES ARE CLOSED AND SHE IS COMPLETELY RELAXED AS JULIE GIVES HER A MASSAGE.]
JULIE: Damn, Grace, you're so tense.
[GRACE SIGHS.]
JULIE: You're all knots and bones. It's like massaging a frozen turkey.
GRACE: [MOANS] Oh... That feels so good.
JULIE: Is the pressure okay?
GRACE: Mm-hmm. Perfect...
JULIE: How about here?
GRACE: Mm-hmm.
JULIE: I'm just gonna go a little lower.
GRACE: You go wherever you need to go.
[GRACE SUDDENLY OPENS HER EYES WIDE.]
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is sitting at her desk when WILL enters.)
WILL: Well... Thank you, Karen. I had my date with Barry last night.
KAREN: Whoo! Tell me everything. Except skip the begging and the tears. That I can't stomach.
WILL: Let's start with his stomach. It's soft like a baby's. And like a baby, he just came out!
KAREN: Yeah, well, you're no prize pig yourself. You got a layer of pink flab, a pug nose, a squiggly little tail--Hey, wait, maybe you are a prize pig! [SNORTS]
WILL: Why are you in my life, you awful, awful woman?!
KAREN: The point is, you are desperate and he's family. So why don't you two join together in misery and make a rotten go of it, huh? Honey, you must like him. You sent him flowers and asked him to go out with you again tonight.
WILL: I didn't send him any-- Oh, God!
KAREN: Oh, honey, it made his day. And so did that picture of you sound asleep, making a human pyramid in your Joe Boxers.
WILL: What?! Oh my God, I thought that was a dream. Rosario in camouflage, with a feather and a zoom lens. Great. Now I've gotta let him down easy.
KAREN: Hey, hey, save it for the locker room.
[WILL EXITS AS GRACE ENTERS.]
WILL AND GRACE [BOTH]: Unbelievable!
WILL AND GRACE [BOTH]: I've got my own problems!
[WILL EXITS.]
[GRACE SIGHS AND PUTS HER COAT AND PURSE ON HER DESK.]
GRACE: Karen, be honest.
KAREN: All right, I pinched Paul Lynde's wallet at the Desert Inn in '84.
GRACE: Well, that would explain why on your job application under references you wrote, "Not Paul Lynde." Look, help me with this. I just met my new neighbor, Julie. She's a massage therapist. She was helping me unpack and then she gave me a massage, which I think went a little too far... south.
KAREN: Well, honey, you must've brought it on yourself. What were you wearing?
GRACE: I was naked, under a sheet.
KAREN: Hmm, that's not it.
GRACE: Oh, my God. I got it. I got it. Karen, make an appointment with her. If she does the same thing to you then I know it's just part of the massage. But if she doesn't do it to you--
KAREN: Then I'll do it to her.
GRACE: No. Then I will know that she was coming on to me.
KAREN: Ah. Honey, exactly where did she touch you? Show me on this bottle of vodka.
[KAREN PICKS UP A BOTTLE FROM HER DESK AND HOLDS IT OUT TO GRACE.]
GRACE: Right on the Smirnoff.
SCENE VI: The Sherry Bar
(WILL is impatiently sitting at a table waiting for Barry, when JACK enters.)
WILL: Oh, I don't believe this.
JACK: Please, just hear me out. [EXHALES] I have waited my whole life to find love. [VOICE BREAKS] And then, when it finally happens... I am denied. And by who-em? My best friend. Please, Will, let me love.
[BARRY ENTERS.]
WILL: Hey, Barry.
[JACK TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT BARRY.]
JACK: I'll see you later.
[JACK IS GONE IN A SPLIT SECOND.]
WILL: Hi.
BARRY: I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't know what to wear for our second homosexual date.
WILL: Oh, traditionally, whatever's hanging on your homosexual chair in your homosexual bedroom.
BARRY: Here, I, uh, got you a present. It was 49.99.
[BARRY HANDS WILL THE GIFT BOX. WILL OPENS IT.]
WILL: Oh, look at that. It's a... rainbow flag beach towel.
[WILL PULLS A GIGANTIC RAINBOW FLAG BEACH TOWEL OUT OF THE BOX.]
BARRY: Do you already have one? You probably already have one.
WILL: No, I don't. And it'll come in handy, when I want people from space to know that I'm gay.
BARRY: I just thought I should get you something since you sent me those beautiful flowers.
WILL: Look-- [CLEARS THROAT] I gotta tell you something. I didn't... I didn't send you those flowers. Karen, in her twisted way, thought she was trying to help.
BARRY: Oh. Heh. I thought it was a little weird when the card said, "Thanks for all the good gay sex, honey."
WILL: Look, Barry, you're a great guy. But I--
BARRY: [INTERRUPTING] U-u-u-uh, i-it's okay. Ugh.
[BARRY TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND RUBS HIS EYES.]
BARRY: I'm sorry I'm not better at this. I was bad at being straight, now I'm bad at being gay.
WILL: It gets easier.
BARRY: I guess.
[BARRY PUTS HIS GLASSES BACK ON AND COMBS BACK HIS HAIR WITH HIS HAND.]
BARRY: It's just--I really like you.
WILL: You don't even know me.
BARRY: I know you enough. You're nice. You're really smart. You're handsome.
WILL: I know.... I'm sorry, Barry, I just-- I don't feel the same way about you.
BARRY: Oh.
WILL: But I know someone out there will. You're gonna do great. Look, let's-- let's order. You know, it says "no sharing," but I say let's share. And dare them to oppose us. What do you say?
BARRY: You know what, I think I'd rather go home. But thanks. I'll see you, Will. Keep the towel.
[BARRY PUTS ON HIS COAT AND BACKPACK AND EXITS THE RESTAURANT.]
SCENE VII: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE is waiting for KAREN to return from her massage with Julie.)
[KAREN ENTERS.]
GRACE: So, what happened? Did she knock, knock, knock on heaven's door?
KAREN: [ANNOYED] What a waste! I choppered that girl in from Brooklyn and all I got was a lousy massage! I get more play outta Rosie when she's washing my bra with me still in it.
GRACE: Great. I guess I'm gonna have to have a talk with Julie. Same talk I had with the gift wrappers at Bloomingdale's. Shouldn't your finger be on that box?
[GRACE EXITS.]
SCENE VIII: The Sherry Bar
(WILL is still sitting at the table when JACK returns.)
JACK: I just saw Barry leave. What happened?
WILL: I--
JACK: Look, I just bought this bag from the guy out front.
[JACK HOLDS UP A RED PURSE.]
WILL: Why are you buying a woman's purse?
JACK: 'Cause it goes with the shoes.
[JACK SITS DOWN.]
WILL: [SIGHS] Oh, geez, Jack.
JACK: Why so sad, big tiny? [JACK POUTS OUT HIS BOTTOM LIP.]
WILL: I just had to let Barry down. The guy just came out and his first real date rejects him.
JACK: What?! He's never been with a man before?! So he's the virgin Barry.
WILL: I feel bad for him.
JACK: Of course you feel bad. You are Barry. Barry is you. Ergo, you is Barry.
WILL: Ergo, you is idiot.
JACK: Perhaps. But I remember another boy who struggled on his way out of the closet. He had a little crush on me. I found him repellent. But still, I took him under my wing. I fixed his hair. Taught him how to dress.
WILL: Yeah, you sent me to job interview wearing leg warmers with Chinese slippers.
JACK: Perhaps. But the point is, we senior gays have a responsibility to the freshmen. To teach them, to bring them along. Why, I helped turn this caterpillar into a chubby butterfly. And now you should do the same for Barry.
WILL: Why? Why is this my responsibility?
JACK: Because that's what we do in the community. We gay it forward.
WILL: How long you been sitting on that one?
JACK: Pretty much since the movie came out.
WILL: Yeah.
SCENE IX: Leo and Grace's Apartment
(JULIE is sitting on the couch eating an orange through the peel as GRACE tries to bring up the uncomfortable subject.)
GRACE: Listen, I need to talk to you about something. Um, the massage last night... This is gonna sound crazy. But did it mean more to you than it did to me?
JULIE: Well, I didn't get paid, so I doubt it.
GRACE: No, no. What I mean is...um... Did you come onto me?
JULIE: What?
GRACE: 'Cause you were really thorough.
JULIE: Dude. I'm a massage therapist, okay? I go where the tension is. It really bums me out that you would think anything different.
GRACE: Oh, oh, gosh. I'm so sorry. Of course. I mean, I just... I didn't realize I was tense there.
JULIE: Maybe I should go.
GRACE: No, don't go. I'm sorry. I'm from the city. We are not a trusting people. So I-- You know, I wasn't sure. I mean we were up all night drinking and laughing. And it ended with what I thought was inappropriate touching. Seemed like a lot of dates I've been on.
JULIE: Grace, when was the last time you had a girlfriend? I mean, this is what we do. We talk. We kiss. We hug. We get to be intimate. It's what makes us better than men. Why do you think they die first?
GRACE: I don't really have a lot of girlfriends. Well, I do, but they're men.
JULIE: Look, I gotta jet. But tomorrow night, you wanna catch a film?
GRACE: I'd love to.
JULIE: Good, 'cause Greg's gonna be off somewhere doing stand-up. [SCOFFS] I mean, he doesn't make me laugh, but God bless.
GRACE: See you then.
[JULIE HUGS GRACE. JULIE'S HAND REACHES BEHIND HER AND GRACE'S EYES FLY OPEN AND SHE JUMPS A LITTLE.]
SCENE X: Barry's Apartment Building
(WILL and JACK walk down the hall to BARRY's apartment. JACK is carrying his red purse and a brown bag. They look at each other and nod. WILL knocks on BARRY's door.)
[BARRY OPENS THE DOOR. HE'S WEARING PAJAMAS AND HIS HAIR IS MUSSED.]
BARRY: [SURPRISED] Will?
WILL: This is my friend, Jack. He'll be assisting me in this project. Now get dressed, we're going to the gym.
BARRY: It's after midnight.
JACK: You're not ready to be seen during peak cruising hours.
BARRY: What's this about?
WILL: We're here to help. You got a late start, but we're gonna take care of you and raise you right. Think of us as your 'mo pair.
JACK: [TO WILL] How long you been sitting on that one?
WILL: [TO JACK] Just since the cab.
JACK: [HOLDING THE BROWN BAG TO BARRY] Here's your starter kit: All the Tales of the City books, Kiehl's non-alcohol face toner, Ethel Merman Gypsy, Angela Lansbury Gypsy, Tyne Daly Gypsy, and Pez.
BARRY: Why Pez?
WILL: Because it's fun. See, candy comes out of the neck.
BARRY: There's so much to learn.
WILL: Well, you're in good hands. I just had a beautiful manicure.
[WILL HOLDS UP HIS HANDS AND SMILES.]
[WILL AND JACK ENTER BARRY'S APARTMENT.]