Episode #5.12
Original Airdate 1/9/2003
Written by Katie Palmer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Andy Garcia (Milo)
Matthew Glave (Kirk)
Symba Smith (Pretty Woman)
Steve Hasley (Carlo)
SCENE I: Milo's Ristorante
(KAREN, JACK and ELLIOT are waiting for WILL and GRACE. ELLIOT is holding a tissue to his nose. WILL and GRACE enter.)
GRACE: Karen. Why'd you pick such a fancy restaurant? We told you we're coming straight from Elliot's game.
WILL: Yeah, where he scored two goals.
ELLIOT: For the other team. And off my nose.
[KAREN SIGHS AND REMOVES HER COAT. HER TIGHT TOP IS SHOWING A LOT OF CLEAVAGE.]
WILL: Whoa!
GRACE: And they're out.
JACK: It's beautiful. It's like a butt.
WILL: What's the occasion?
KAREN: Whadaya talk? I'm dressed like I always am. And I resent your implication that I have some kind of hidden agenda.
[THE RESTAURANT OWNER WALKS UP TO THE TABLE.]
KAREN: [SHYLY] Hello. [COY LAUGH.]
MILO: Karen, that's three nights this week. I'm either incredibly flattered or worried that you're from the health department.
[KAREN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
MILO: See you brought your friends.
KAREN: [TOUCHES HER CLEAVAGE] Thanks for noticing.
[MILO IS LOOKING AT EVERYBODY.]
KAREN: Ah, yes.
[KAREN INTRODUCES GRACE, WILL, JACK AND ELLIOT TO MILO.]
KAREN: And this is Red, Homo, Homo, and Boy.
MILO: Welcome, I'm Milo. If you need anything, I'm here to serve you. Actually, the waiters are here to serve you. I'm here to overcharge you.
KAREN: Ha ha!
MILO: [TO KAREN] It's nice to see you. [MILO TOUCHES KAREN'S SHOULDER AND WALKS OFF.]
[KAREN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY. SHE BENDS DOWN AND TAKES A SIP OF HER DRINK.]
JACK: [TEASING] Now I know why we're here.
GRACE: [TEASING] You like him!
WILL: [TEASING] Hey!
KAREN: Shut up! Shut up!
GRACE: He's cute. You should ask him out.
KAREN: What? You mean like on a date? Oh, I don't know. I've been married to Stan for so long, the last time I was on a date, Bush was president and we were about to go to war with Iraq.
JACK: Don't worry, Kare. It's like riding a bicycle... Only you're naked. And the seat's off.
WILL: [TO JACK] You can't borrow my bike anymore.
GRACE: Karen, go ahead, ask him. He was totally giving you the green light.
KAREN: You think?
GRACE: Yes.
ELLIOT: Yeah, even I saw it, and I'm unconscious.
WILL: Go, go, go. Get over there.
JACK: Yeah. Yeah.
KAREN: How do I look?
GRACE: Here, let me see. Make up: flawless. Hair: fabulous. Breasts... I'm jealous. Now go.
KAREN: All right, if I'm not back in ten minutes, you can have my drink. Oh, God, what am I saying?! That's crazy.
[KAREN TAKES HER DRINK AND WALKS OVER TO MILO.]
[WILL, GRACE, JACK AND ELLIOT WATCH KAREN TALK TO MILO.]
GRACE: Ah, look at her. She's all flirty and shy. Like a teenage girl.
WILL: Yeah. Are you there, God? It's me, Satan.
[GRACE ELBOWS WILL.]
JACK: [TO WILL] Hey, guess what? While we were at Elliot's game, I signed us up for a gay soccer team.
WILL: What?!
JACK: Now, before you pee-pee it... Just take a moment and think about it. It might be fun.
WILL: What? Forget it. No, I don't do sports. I mean, sure I'll flip through a Sports Illustrated if it's already in the bathroom... and I'm already happy to see it. But that's where I draw the line.
JACK: Gay soccer isn't sports, silly. It's cute guys in shorts runnin' around kickin' balls. It's a gay bar on astro-turf.
GRACE: You know, you should do it. You might meet someone. And you do like the way your legs look in shorts.
WILL: I really do. But I don't know. Soccer? I mean, what color are the uniforms?
JACK: Powder blue with white accents and lemon piping.
WILL: Cotton?
JACK: Cotton-poly blend, very shiny, lotta movement.
WILL: Sounds cute. Ooh, ooh, I can wear my tinted lenses. I'm in.
[CUT OVER TO KAREN AND MILO.]
KAREN: Anyway, I was thinking, maybe sometime... You and I could-- I don't--
MILO: Taste this.
KAREN: I don't--
[MILO PUTS A SPOON INTO KAREN'S MOUTH.]
KAREN: [SULTRY] Mmm, mmm. Mmm! Oh, yum.
MILO: So it's not spoiled?
KAREN: Huh?!
[MILO SMILES.]
KAREN: Oh, you're fun. You wanna-- you wanna go out sometime?
MILO: You'd go out with me?
KAREN: Why wouldn't I? You're charming and handsome and sexy.
MILO: Oh, so you picked up on that?
[KAREN GIGGLES.]
MILO: I'd love to. [MILO TAKES KAREN'S HAND AND KISSES IT.]
KAREN: Oh, um... By the way, you just took two of my amphetamines.
SCENE II: The Indoor Soccer Field
(WILL and JACK have arrived for practice.)
WILL: Huh. Maybe we should warm up too.
JACK: Yeah.
WILL AND JACK: [CHANTING TOGETHER] Me may my moe moo...
JACK: [CHANTING] I call the blonde in blue....
WILL: [CHANTING] I saw him before you....
[KIRK AND THE REST OF THE TEAM RUN UP TO WILL AND JACK.]
KIRK: You the new guys?
JACK: Yeah. Hi. I'm Jack, that's Will.
KIRK: I'm Kirk, the captain.
WILL: Oh, so you're Captain Kirk.
KIRK: Right.
WILL: [IMPERSONATING WILLIAM SHATNER] Who do we play first, the Romulans or the Klingons?
[WILL CHUCKLES. KIRK IS NOT LAUGHING.]
KIRK: [TO THE TEAM] All right, listen up. We're gonna run a few drills, then we're gonna break into teams and do a quick scrimmage. All right, ladies. Let's go, let's go.
[KIRK CLAPS HIS HANDS AND RUNS ONTO THE FIELD; THE TEAM RUNS OFF BEHIND HIM, EXCEPT JACK AND WILL.]
JACK: What? Play? Now?
WILL: Well, don't worry. Like you said, it's gay soccer. We'll probably just run over there and compare Tony predictions.
JACK: I think it's going to be Hairspray.
WILL: Hey, hey, hey. Save it for the game.
[JACK GRABS WILL'S HAND AND THE TWO RUN ONTO THE FIELD.]
SCENE III: Will's Apartment(GRACE is tending to WILL's bruises and a cut on his knee.)
WILL: Everyone was running and kicking and pushing each other over. It's supposed to be gay soccer. Where were the lingering hugs, the affectionate ass pats? The catchy team theme song?
GRACE: Can't believe you didn't do better. You're so athletic.
[GRACE LAUGHS AND SNORTS UNCONTROLLABLY.]
WILL: Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. Look at my nose! My whole face is thrown off now. It's completely asymmetrical. I'm like a Picasso. Or-or-or Shannen Doherty.
GRACE: Oh, I'm sure you'll do better the next time.
WILL: There ain't gonna be no next time, I quit. I'm turning in my uniform. Actually, I'm turning it into a tank top. It just looks better without the sleeves.
GRACE: Don't sew when you're this angry.
WILL: Worst of all, Jack is like a superstar. The guy can't figure out when to step off an escalator, but he's a genius with a soccer ball.
[JACK ENTERS, DRAGGING ELLIOT BY THE ARM.]
JACK: Will someone talk to this kid? He's thinkin' about quitting the team.
ELLIOT: Yeah, because I'm awful. They even have a new nickname for me on the team... Awful.
JACK: I give up. I throw up my hands and jut out my hip.
[JACK THROWS UP HIS HANDS AND JUTS OUT HIS HIP.]
GRACE: [TO ELLIOT] You know what, when I was your age, there were a lot of kids who said I couldn't kiss. But did I quit kissing? I did not. I stuck with it. I made out with every guy who would have me. And today... [CLICKS TONGUE AND WAVES AROUND HER HAND, SHOWING OFF HER WEDDING RING.]
JACK: Not you, Whora Flynn Boyle! He needs to hear it from someone who understands, someone who's as bad as he is.
JACK: [SNAPPING HIS FINGERS, QUEITLY] Will.
WILL: What?
JACK: [QUIETLY TO WILL] Go talk to him.
WILL: [QUIETLY] I'm not going to--
JACK: [QUIETLY] Yeah. Shh-- Go talk to him.
WILL: [SIGHS] Okay, Elliot, look. Some of my biggest regrets are the things that I didn't follow through on. You know, like when I gave up the role of Kenickie in my high school production of Grease, because I was afraid to jump off the car during "Grease Lightning." Do you think a day goes by where I don't think about that?
GRACE: God, I hope so.
JACK: You see, he learned his lesson. That's why you don't see him quittin' our team. Even though he stinks so bad... that I, his best friend, am forced to make jokes behind his back.
ELLIOT: Yeah, Will, you're sticking with it even though you suck?
WILL: Yes, I am.
ELLIOT: Wow, well, then-- then I guess I can do that too. Thanks.
[ELLIOT SHAKES WILL'S HAND.]
WILL: You know, that car was really high up, and I don't think a little stepladder would've made my move any less dramatic.
SCENE IV: Grace Adler Designs
(Monday morning. GRACE and JACK are waiting for KAREN to arrive for work.)
KAREN: Morning, campers.
JACK: Hi, Kare.
GRACE: So how was your date?! I didn't hear from you all weekend!
KAREN: Well, honey, I wanted to call you, but I lost your number. And do you know how many "Grace Johnsons" there are in the phone book?
JACK: Come on! We want details. Was he sweet? Was he charming? Does he have a gay brother? Or better yet, does he have a straight brother who drinks a lot? [CHUCKLES]
KAREN: Oh, kids. It was amazing. We talked. We laughed. He walked me home. He was such a gentleman. He opened the door for me. I opened my shirt for him. He gave me a little kiss, and we said good night. [GIGGLES]
JACK: Oooh. [SING-SONG] Karen and Milo sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-I-N-G-- Wait--
GRACE: So, when you gonna see him again? 'Cause you know, it's all about the second date, or as I like to refer to it, "The date when you can slowly let your stomach out."
KAREN: Well, uh, he said he would call.
JACK: But it's been three days.
KAREN: [ANNOYED] Oh, look who's suddenly a math whiz.
[THE PHONE RINGS.]
KAREN: Oh. Well. What d'ya know?
[KAREN SITS DOWN AT HER DESK AND ANSWERS THE PHONE.]
KAREN: [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello? [GIGGLES] Uh-huh. [WAVES GRACE AND JACK AWAY] Uh-huh. Mmm... I bet you do. Mm-hmm. Okay, okay.
[KAREN HANGS UP.]
GRACE: [SMILING] Who was it?
KAREN: Someone looking for a designer; I didn't catch their name.
[KAREN GETS UP FROM HER DESK.]
KAREN: You know... [SIGHS] I feel moody. I think I'm gonna go change my blood. Into a Bloody Mary.
[KAREN GETS HER COAT AND PURSE AND OPENS THE DOOR. SHE STOPS AND TURNS TO GRACE AND JACK.]
KAREN: [QUIETLY] He's gonna call, right?
GRACE: Absolutely.
[KAREN EXITS. JACK AND GRACE WATCH HER EXIT.]
SCENE V: The Soccer Field, Game Night
(WILL is in the dugout, wearing his soccer uniform. KIRK walks up to WILL.)
KIRK: Truman. I didn't think you'd come back.
WILL: Well... I was gonna quit, but I wanna set an example for a young friend of mine. I'm trying to show him that sticking with something, even though you're not good at it, is its own reward.
KIRK: Oh. Well, if you really want me to put you in the game--
WILL: God, no! I don't want to play!
KIRK: What are you gonna do? Sit on the sidelines with your needlepoint?
WILL: Nooo. I brought a picnic basket.
[WILL SITS ON THE BENCH WITH HIS PICNIC BASKET. HE OPENS IT UP.]
KIRK: Okay, princesses, huddle up.
[THE TEAM RUNS INTO THE DUGOUT.]
KIRK: Okay, these guys are tough. But if we can beat this hetero team, we may one day achieve our dream of beating the lesbians. All right, now come on. Let's wipe the field up with these candy-ass breeders.
[THE TEAM PUTS THEIR FISTS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE CIRCLE.]
THE TEAM: [ALL TOGETHER] Neiman Marcus!
[THE TEAM RUNS ONTO THE FIELD.]
JACK: Sorry you're not gonna play.
WILL: Don't you worry about me. You just get out there and win one for the lisper.
[JACK RUNS ONTO THE FIELD.]
[WILL PULLS OUT SOME DIP AND A KNIFE.]
WILL: I think I'll start with olive tapenade on a bagel chip.
[WILL SPREADS THE DIP ON THE BAGEL CHIP AND BEGINS EATING, WATCHING THE GAME.]
SCENE VI: Milo's Ristorante
(MILO is telling a table about the specials when GRACE enters.)
MILO: Finally, tonight--
GRACE: [INTERRUPTING] Hey. I wanna talk to you.
[MILO IGNORES GRACE.]
MILO: We have a roasted tomato vegetable--
GRACE: [INTERRUPTING] Hey!
MILO: [TO GRACE] May I finish here, please?
GRACE: Fine. Finish.
MILO: [TO THE TABLE] Soup.
GRACE: Wow, you are just a real charmer, aren't ya? What's next? You get them to take their shirts off and then don't call them?
MILO: Well, I tried that with table number five, but it sort of ruined their anniversary. Who are you?
GRACE: [SCOFFS] Figures you wouldn't remember. Red. [BEAT] Of Red, Homo, Homo, and Boy. Karen Walker's friend.
MILO: Right. So how is Karen?
GRACE: Well, if you picked up a phone, you'd know. Or is that not your style? You know, guys like you just drive me--Is that pie?
MILO: Yes, but we call it a galette. That way we can charge $18 for it. Would you like to try it?
GRACE: [OFFENDED] No, I wouldn't. [OFFENDED] But I'll take a piece to go. How dare you treat Karen like that?
MILO: And how does this concern you?
GRACE: I'm her friend and a woman. And I'm here on behalf of all women.
[A TALL, SKINNY, PRETTY WOMAN WALKS BY.]
GRACE: Except her. She's on her own. How do you expect to earn anyone's trust, if you don't keep your word? Could we believe anything you say? I mean, look, it says that the special of the night is monkfish cooked in a saffron sauce. Is it? Or is it just a giant turd cooked in poison?
[EVERYONE AT THE TABLE IS LOOKING AT GRACE AND MILO.]
MILO: [TO THE TABLE] It's not. 'Scuse me.
[MILO PULLS GRACE OFF TO THE SIDE.]
MILO: Look, I am trying to run a business here.
GRACE: You said you would call her.
MILO: Yes, and that made her happy. She went home thinking that I was still interested. She also went home thinking people work in toll booths because they have tails.
GRACE: What do you mean, you're not interested in her? I mean, what's wrong with her?
MILO: Well, first of all... she's a little old for me.
GRACE: She's exactly your age.
MILO: That's what I'm saying, she's a little old for me. And when I kissed her good night, I just didn't feel anything.
GRACE: Listen, mister, I've kissed Karen more times than I can count. And every single time, I felt somethin'.
MILO: Perhaps it was you. Let's investigate.
[MILO MOVES IN FOR A KISS.]
GRACE: [GASPS] You're a pig!
MILO: Oh, so you picked up on that?
GRACE: [SCOFFS] You know what?
MILO: What?
GRACE: This little playboy shtick of yours is gettin' old. You know someday, very soon, you're gonna wake up, and you're gonna find yourself very alone.
[A WOMAN COMES UP TO MILO AND SMILES.]
MILO: Hey.
[MILO KISSES HER AND SHE LEAVES.]
GRACE: Well, maybe not very soon. But it's gonna happen. Good day.
[GRACE WALKS TO THE DOOR, STOPPING AT THE MAITRE D' PODIUM.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO THE MAITRE D'] Milo said that I could have a piece of pie. And a Cornish game hen. I'll be outside.
SCENE VII: The Soccer Field
(WILL is in the dugout snacking on cookies dipped in espresso. ELLIOT enters and sits down next to him.)
ELLIOT: Hmm. Look's pretty tasty. Way to hustle.
WILL: Oh, thank you. [WILL OFFERS ELLIOT A COOKIE] Lorna Doone?
ELLIOT: I'll take some of that.
WILL: Don't you have a game today?
ELLIOT: Uh, yeah, probably starting right about now. I quit.
WILL: What? What happened to sticking with something, with not quitting just because it's hard? You know? I thought we had a good talk the other night. I thought I was a role model for you.
ELLIOT: I see you, like, once every eight months.
WILL: Still... I ever saw you as a quitter. You know, I mean, look at me. I'm no good at this, but here I am working my ass off just-- just waitin' to get in there. Waitin'!
[A WHISTLE BLOWS. KIRK AND JACK HELP TEAMMEMBER CARLO OFF THE FIELD.]
KIRK: Truman, Carlo's hurt.
CARLO: [SQUEALING] I'm hurt!
[JACK HELPS CARLO GET HIS LEG UP ON THE BENCH.]
KIRK: [TO WILL] Get in there.
WILL: What? But-but-but I'm picnicking. Can't you send someone else, like-like this kid? [POINTS TO ELLIOT.]
ELLIOT: No way, man. You're my role model.
KIRK: You're in, Truman. Wrap that biscotti in parchment paper and get out there.
WILL: But I just dipped it in espresso!
[KIRK PUSHES WILL ONTO THE FIELD.]
KIRK: McFarland! I know Betty McUseless is your friend, but don't pass to him. If we win, we get free facials at Sonya Dakar.
[JACK GASPS.]
KIRK: And a basket of scented candles.
JACK: Oh, my God...
KIRK: I'm not about to blow that.
[KIRK AND JACK RUN ONTO THE FIELD.]
SCENE VIII: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is sitting at her desk flipping through a magazine, waiting by the phone when GRACE enters.)
GRACE: Hey, Karen.
KAREN: Oh, Grace. You've been awfully quiet.
GRACE: I've been gone for two hours.
KAREN: Heh-heh. You're funny. Uh, listen, I don't mean to sound negative, and I shouldn't because I'm taking six different pills so I won't, but-- Uh, do you think it's weird that Milo hasn't called?
GRACE: Sweetie, I don't think he's gonna call.
KAREN: Why?
GRACE: Look, I didn't want to tell you this because I was afraid it would hurt your feelings, but-- Milo is sick.
KAREN: [GASPS] Sick? Oh, my gosh, I better call him.
GRACE: No, no, no, no, no. He can't talk to you because he's, uh, he's... he's had his throat removed.
KAREN: Doy! Well, that explains it. Well, wait a minute... then, what's holding up his head?
GRACE: Good question. Yeah, I asked the same thing. Um, there's this... stick-like apparatus.
KAREN: [NODDING] Uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm familiar....
GRACE: And... the head... is propped on-- Okay, okay, look, Karen, um, I just came from over there, and... Milo doesn't want to see you anymore.
KAREN: [QUIETLY] Oh. [KAREN SITS DOWN AT HER DESK.]
GRACE: He just is-- He doesn't like the--
GRACE: Karen, he just doesn't see how wonderful you are. And I know that's hard 'cause this is the first date that you've had in a long time, but-- But don't let it put you off, because someone out there will.
KAREN: Well, thanks, honey. But I'm a big girl, I can take it. Tell me what he said.
GRACE: He said you were too old.
KAREN: Oh. Well, now I'm glad his head's on a stick.
GRACE: You know, it's strange how things have changed for the two of us over the last year.
KAREN: Hmm.
GRACE: I'm a married lady giving out dating advice. Now you're the single girl, starting your life over.
KAREN: Mm-hmm.
GRACE: I like it.
KAREN: I hate it.
GRACE AND KAREN: [BOTH] I know you do.
SCENE IX: The Soccer Field
(JACK is out on the field, thinking to himself, not really paying attention, dancing around.)
JACK: [CHANTING TO HIMSELF] Here I am. I'm the mean machine. I'm fast and lean. I'm--
JACK: [THINKING TO HIMSELF] What rhymes with lean? Penis? [GIGGLING TO HIMSELF] I just said penis. What am I doing again?
[THE SOCCER BALL HITS JACK IN THE STOMACH.]
JACK: [THINKING TO HIMSELF] Oh, soccer! Right.
[JACK KICKS THE BALL AND MOVES DOWN THE FIELD.]
[WILL IS STANDING BY HIMSELF, PICKING HIS EAR.]
WILL: [THINKING TO HIMSELF, LOOKING AT HIS FINGER] Huh. How did the Q-Tip miss that?
[JACK NOTICES WILL DOWN THE FIELD.]
JACK: [THINKING TO HIMSELF] Oh, look at him. Lonely girl. I should pass to him. It'd make him feel good.
[WILL SEES JACK LOOKING AT HIM.]
WILL: [THINKING TO HIMSELF] Don't pass it to me. Please, if there's a God, do not pass it to me.
[JACK KICKS THE BALL TO WILL.]
WILL: [THINKING TO HIMSELF] Oh, god, it's coming to me. Run away!
[WILL STARTS TO RUN, BUT SLIPS ON SOMETHING. HIS LEG KICKS THE BALL INTO THE GOAL AND HE SCORES!]
[THE TEAM CHEERS. THEY PICK UP WILL AND CARRY HIM OFF THE FIELD.]
WILL: [THINKING TO HIMSELF] Ooh, I like being carried.