Episode #5.08 + #5.09
Original Airdate 11/21/2002
Written by Jeff Greenstein & Bill Wrubel
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
GUEST CAST
Harry Connick Jr. (Dr. Leo Markus)
Debbie Reynolds (Bobbi Adler)
Judith Ivey (Eleanor Markus)
Katie Couric (Herself)
Tom Gallop (Rob)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
Jerry Levine (Joe)
Tim Bagley (Larry)
Neil Vipond (Julius)
Lorry Goldman (Rabbi)
SCENE I: Central Park
(WILL, JACK, and KAREN are walking through the park. WILL is carrying a basket, JACK has a blanket, KAREN has a folding chair.)
WILL: You know, I think fall is finally here. I just saw the first drunk of the season turn yellow and tumble gently to the ground.
KAREN: I tripped, okay?
JACK: What is with a picnic in November anyway? I'm freezing my perfect peach off.
WILL: Oh, yeah. This is it. This is perfect. Right here. And, Jack, take off that hat. It makes you look like a woman.
[JACK PULLS OFF HIS HAT.]
WILL: Oh, it wasn't the hat.
[JACK SPREADS OUT THE BLANKET. KAREN SETS UP HER CHAIR AND SITS DOWN.]
JACK: Why are we doing this?
WILL: Come on. It's sunny. It's New Yorky. I read this thing in "O," the Oprah magazine on tapas picnics, and I've been dying to try one.
KAREN: Oprah can be a lot of fun. And there's no one I'd rather have watching my back in a bar fight.
[WILL BEGINS UNLOADING THE BASKET, SETTING UP HIS APPETIZERS ON THE BLANKET.]
[GRACE AND LEO WALK UP, HOLDING HANDS. LEO HAS A FOOTBALL UNDER HIS ARM.]
GRACE: Hey, guys. Sorry we're late. We grabbed a couple hot dogs.
WILL: I told you I was making tapas.
GRACE: I know.
LEO: Hey, guys.
WILL: Oh...Leo. I don't know if we have enough food for five people.
LEO: That's okay. Grace just ate enough hot dogs for five people.
KAREN: [TO LEO, RE: THE FOOTBALL] Hey. Honey, you got a lump under that arm. You might wanna have that looked at.
LEO: Come on. It's November in the park. I thought we'd, you know, toss around a football.
JACK: Um, look, Leo. I know you're new here. And, um, we don't want you to think we're really cliquey and don't let anyone in our little group. But, um, well... we're really cliquey. We don't want anyone in our little group, so... [WILL AND KAREN NOD.]
KAREN: So, if you wanna break into the fag four, this symbol of gay oppression has to go. Come on, Jackie. Get rid of it.
[JACK THROWS THE FOOTBALL, A PERFECT SPIRAL.]
JACK: Hah. Who knew I could do that?
WILL: Ladies and gentlemen. [LISPING WITH SPANISH ACCENT] Prepare yourselves for the finest feast this side of Barcelona. My gift to you. Enjoy.
[THE FOOTBALL COMES FLYING BACK AND LANDS ON THE PICNIC BLANKET.]
JACK: It's a boomerang. It went around the world.
WILL: My platanas bravas ruined, splattered all over this cashmere throw, and look at these broken ramekins.
LEO: You're a trip, Will.
GRACE: Oh, sweetie. It's probably going to take a while to clean up. We're gonna go make out.
[GRACE AND LEO WANDER OFF.]
KAREN: Holy cripes. Am I outside?
[GRACE AND LEO ARE WALKING THROUGH THE PARK.]
[GRACE POINTS TO THE WATER.]
GRACE: Oh, how sweet. Look at that cute duck.
LEO: Oh, that's not a duck. It's a rat.
GRACE: Why is that little girl feeding it popcorn?
LEO: Not our business. Keep walking.
[A BRIDE AND GROOM RUN PAST LEO AND GRACE.]
GROOM: Come on, lets go!
GRACE: Whoa. Aw, that poor bride. So hard to find a bathroom in the park.
[GRACE AND LEO NOTICE A TENT SET UP IN THE PARK, WITH A VAN PARKED NEARBY. THERE ARE ABOUT A HUNDRED BRIDES AND GROOMS.]
MAN WITH BULLHORN: May I have your attention, please? Can we get all the brides and grooms? Quickly people.
[GRACE AND LEO RUN DOWN TO THE TENT TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.]
[GRACE STOPS BY THE VAN, AND TAPS SOMEONE ON THE SHOULDER.]
GRACE: Hey, kid, can you tell us what's going on here?
[TODAY SHOW HOST KATIE COURIC TURNS AROUND.]
KATIE: Did you just call me kid?
GRACE: You're Katie Couric. I love you!
KATIE: Well, thank you. I'm sure if we spent more time together, I'd love you too.
GRACE: So, uh, what is going on here? [QUIETLY TO LEO] Talking with Katie.
KATIE: We're just having this mass wedding. Some stupid stunt for sweeps.
LEO: Well, if you're here, where in the world is Matt Lauer? Ha ha ha!
KATIE: Ha ha!
LEO: [QUIETLY TO KATIE] Laughin' with Katie.
KATIE: Yeah, I asked myself the same damn question when they told me I had to work on a Sunday, as if being cute and perky five days a week isn't enough hard enough.
GRACE: I hear that.
KATIE: Hey, you two look happy. Would you like to get married today?
[GRACE LAUGHS.]
LEO: Sure. Yeah, why not? [TO GRACE] What do you say?
GRACE: Yeah, why not? We'll help the ratings.
[GRACE NOTICES THAT LEO IS SERIOUS]
GRACE: Would you excuse us, Katie Couric?
[GRACE PULLS LEO OFF TO THE SIDE.]
GRACE: What are you doing?
LEO: I'm serious. We met in the park. Let's get married in the park.
GRACE: But this is just-- I mean, we're talking about-- We've only known each other, like, two months.
LEO: Grace. Come on, you know we're gonna do it eventually. You know what? I'm doing this all wrong.
[LEO BENDS DOWN AND PICKS UP A DANDELION. HE MAKES IT INTO A RING.]
LEO: Grace Adler, I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So here, today, right now, in front of God... and Katie Couric, I'm asking you... [LEO SLIPS THE "RING" ONTO GRACE'S FINGER] Will you marry me?
GRACE: Yes. Yes, I will. Let's do it.
[LEO AND GRACE HUG AND KISS.]
GRACE: This is just a temporary ring, right?
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL, JACK, and KAREN are returning from their picnic in the park.)
WILL: That was a disaster. [SIGHS] Tapas in the park. That's the last time I cook something out of a magazine. [NOTICES A MAGAZINE ON THE TABLE] Ooh, "Gourmet" has a special on savory pies of Edinburgh. [SCOTTISH ACCENT] Save your appetites, lassies!
KAREN: Hey, what happened to Grace and that foreign fellow she's been hangin' around with?
JACK: Maybe they went to the Guggenheim. That's a real place, right?
[GRACE AND LEO ENTER, ALL EXCITED.]
WILL: What happened to you guys?
GRACE: [TO LEO] Are you gonna tell them or shall I?
LEO: Well, if you don't mind, I kinda want to.
GRACE: Okay. Go ahead.
LEO: Okay. We met Katie Couric!
WILL: Cool!
GRACE: No, no. That's not the news. We got married!
JACK: What?
GRACE: Just now, in the park.
KAREN: What?
GRACE: There was this mass wedding.
JACK AND KAREN [BOTH]: What?!
GRACE: Leo made me a ring out of a dandelion. He asked. I said yes. I threw a pretzel bouquet. A duck caught it. It was all just so romantic. And we're married.
[GRACE KISSES LEO.]
JACK: Oh, my god, Grace!
KAREN: Well, well, well. Look who penetrated the inner circle. And then he stuck around and married her.
JACK: [TO LEO] Don't get too comfy. You may have Penelope Cruzed your way in, but you can just as easily be Mimi Rogered out.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Huh? Hey. What do you think?
WILL: Wow. What a surprise. That's crazy. Just spring it on us like that. That's--that's great. Leo, great. [WILL SHAKES LEO'S HAND.]
LEO: Thanks.
WILL: And, Grace... best of luck. [WILL SHAKES GRACE'S HAND.]
[WILL TURNS AWAY AND GOES INTO THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: "Best of luck"? Well, thanks for coming to my bat mitzvah, Uncle Hachem. Have a safe drive to back to Syosset.
KAREN: I don't know what half those words meant. [JACK SHAKES HIS HEAD.]
[GRACE JOINS WILL IN THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: Um, what's going on?
WILL: What? Nothing. I'm happy for you. You know, it's the biggest moment of your life. Why would you include me? I-I don't matter. I'm nothing. Best of luck.
GRACE: Oh, Will... that is so... freakin' lame!
[GRACE GRABS WILL'S ARM, AND TWISTS IT BEHIND HIS BACK.]
WILL: Ow!
GRACE: You listen to me, Will Truman. I know that this is sudden and not the way we thought it was gonna be, but you are my best friend, and you will be thrilled for me.
WILL: Would you-- You’re hurting me!
GRACE: It's about me! I'm the bride! I'm the bride!
LEO: [TO GRACE] Whoa, whoa. Take it easy. Whoa, hey.
[LEO PULLS GRACE OFF WILL.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] I'm the bride! You hear me?!
LEO: Take it easy. Don't break him. I still need him for the 20% of you I can't handle. [TO JACK AND KAREN] Hey, uh, help me out, guys.
KAREN: Come on, Grace. You're married! Let's celebrate by throwing away most of your clothes.
GRACE: I don't need to throw away my clothes.
JACK: Yeah, come on. What about the whorey-lookin' stuff you use to pick up guys?
GRACE: Let's go.
[GRACE, JACK, AND KAREN RUN INTO HER BEDROOM.]
LEO: Will, are you okay, man?
[WILL IS DIGGING THROUGH THE REFRIGERATOR.]
WILL: I'm fine. I just wish if Grace was going to finish the Hershey syrup, that she wouldn't put the empty can back in the refrigerator!
GRACE: [FROM THE BEDROOM] I'm the bride!
LEO: Look, uh-- Will, I know you feel left out. Would it help to know that right before we got married Grace said, "I really wish Will were here?" And I said, "Me too?"
WILL: Really?
LEO: I just asked, would it help?
WILL: Cutting the tension with cruelty. How thoughtful of you.
LEO: I'm sorry. I know you and Grace have been friends forever. And I just come and whisk her away like that. It's gotta hurt.
WILL: It does. Look, I know that I-I-I put out this tough-guy image. I know people think of me as all hard and strong and macho-y. Look at this flower arrangement, it's atrocious. [WILL BEGINS FIXING THE ARRANGEMENT.]
WILL: The truth is, it does hurt. I'm never going to have a wedding of my own and I-- being a part of Grace's was important to me.
LEO: What are you talking about? You--you can have a wedding.
LEO: Oh, please! Gay weddings? Some witchy lesbian waves a stick over you on a beach somewhere. While a drag queen sings "Evergreen." I'm talking about a traditional wedding. Grace and I used to stay up nights talking about what hers would be like. I didn't have a hell of a lot going on at the time. I-I--I'd have this beautiful tux, big through here and small through here. She'd have a gorgeous gown. Small through here and big through here. At the reception, I-I'd make a great toast. And everybody would laugh at the right places and cry in the right places. And then we'd do this great dance that we'd tell everybody we hadn't worked on, but secretly we had.
GRACE: We can still do all that.
WILL: I-I didn't know you were--
GRACE: I mean, it may not be the first dance, but it could be the second.
LEO: Are you talking about a wedding reception? 'Cause I'd really be into that.
WILL: You guys would do that for me?
LEO: No, not just-- Yeah. Just for you, all for you.
WILL: I am going to be so beautiful. Yay!
[WILL AND GRACE HUG.]
SCENE III: The Reception at the New York Palace Hotel
(All of GRACE's friends are here, including her mother, BOBBI ADLER, KAREN, ROSARIO, ROB and ELLEN, JOE and LARRY. WILL and JACK are dancing to the disco music, "Fire" by the Ohio Players.)
WILL: Jack, Jack. Hey. It's almost time for my toast, so give me a really good introduction, okay?
JACK: Okay, I got it.
WILL: It should not include the words "bald," "fat," or "impotent."
JACK: Okay, give me five minutes.
[WILL AND JACK DO A LITTLE SYNCRONIZED DANCE STEP.]
WILL: [SINGING] Fire!
JACK: Give it to me, Change it up.
WILL: [SINGING] Fire!
JACK: Give it to me, Change it up.
WILL: [SINGING] Fire!
JACK: Give it to me, Change it up.
[JOE AND LARRY ARE DANCING WITH LEO. GRACE AND HER MOTHER, BOBBI ADLER, ARE SITTING AT A TABLE TALKING, LOOKING AT LEO.]
BOBBI: This all happened so fast. I don't even know from Leo. I'm not sure I approve.
GRACE: He's a Jewish doctor.
BOBBI: Ooh, I love him! Don't cock it up.
JOE: Congratulations, Leo. We're so happy for you guys.
LEO: Hey, thanks. We're just a bunch of old married folks now.
LARRY: Well, you are. Our marriage isn't recognized by the State of New York. Mazel tov.
[ELLEN IS SITTING DOWN AT A TABLE DRINKING A GLASS OF MILK. SHE IS PREGNANT AGAIN. ROB IS STANDING NEXT TO HER DANCING.]
ROB: Honey. You wanna dance?
ELLEN: [ANNOYED] Well, let's see about that, Rob. I'm carrying a boulder on my groin, and my feet have swollen twice their natural size. Yeah. Let's cut a rug, honey.
[KAREN IS SLOW-DANCING WITH ROSARIO.]
KAREN: Rosie, how come we've never gotten together?
ROSARIO: Lady, quit trying to unhook my bra.
[JACK STEPS ON THE STAGE. HE PICKS UP A CHAMPAGNE GLASS AND A SPOON AND BEGINS TAPPING THE GLASS.]
JACK: [TAPPING THE GLASS] Excuse me. Excuse me. [THE GLASS SHATTERS.]
[HI PICKS UP ANOTHER GLASS]
JACK: [TAPPING THE GLASS] Excuse me. Excuse me. [THE GLASS SHATTERS.]
JACK: [JACK BANGS THE SPOON ON THE PIANO] Excuse me!
[THE MUSIC STOPS AND EVERYONE LOOKS AT JACK. JACK PICKS UP A MICROPHONE.]
JACK: Hi. Now it's time to toast the lovely couple. And who better to start things off than the most important person in Grace's life. Her friend, her confidant. And it pains me to admit this, but the most gorgeous man I know. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, me! [JACK TWIRLS AROUND. EVERYONE APPLAUDS.]
JACK: Grace. Leo. What can I say about you two beautiful kids? Except... Acting is a craft which has been around for literally many, many years. And I should know. I'm Jack McFarland, creator of the McFarland Method, which has helped countless aspiring actors, actresses, and act-transgender individuals...
ELEANOR: [TO LEO] There's some very interesting people here.
LEO: Just wait, mom.
JACK: Now let's hear from another very important person in Grace's life. One who has been there for her through sick and sin. A great man, ladies and gentlemen... Karen Walker.
[THE GUESTS APPLAUD AS KAREN TAKES THE STAGE.]
KAREN: Thank you. Hmm. Grace, Leon. This is truly a wonderful evening. See, folks. Some people do buy the cow. How 'bout that? Thanks. Well, I am so, so happy for you both. Thank you, everyone. Man, there are a lot of Jews here. Wow.
[JACK TAKES THE MIC AND KAREN STEPS DOWN.]
JACK: Thank you. Well, I guess that's everyone. So thank you for coming. Enjoy your m--
[WILL GRABS THE MIC AND PUSHES JACK OFF THE STAGE.]
WILL: Hi. I remember the first time I met Grace. It was freshman year at Columbia. And I was pretty much like any other college guy. I lived in the dorm with the bare essentials... futon, stereo, cast iron enamel fondue pot. Anyway, one night I was making up a batch for myself and my roommate Rob. [POINTS TO ROB.]
ROB: [STANDS UP] I am not gay, everyone! Do you hear that? I love the ladies. I'm a breast man. [TAKES A DRINK OF CHAMPAGNE.]
WILL: So, um, the chocolate was just coming to a gentle boil, when this creature appeared at my door... sniffing. I looked at her. She looked at the chocolate, and the two of them have been together ever since. [LAUGHS] No, no, no. I joke a lot about Grace, but... well, truth is I couldn't be happier for her today. Leo... I was the first man to ask her to marry me. And I know you're going to be the last. To you guys.
[LEO AND GRACE KISS. THE GUESTS APPLAUD.]
JOE: Larry, you should get up and say something. They spoke at our wedding.
LARRY: That was a gay wedding. It didn't really count.
JOE: That joke isn't funny anymore.
LARRY: It is to me.
[LEO TAKES THE STAGE.]
LEO: Hi. This reminds me of something my grandfather once said: "Where's that Jamaican woman who feeds me?" I'm not very good at this. But someone who was, was Lord Byron, so I stole this from him. "The light of love, the purity...of grace. The mind, the music breathing from her face, the heart whose softness harmonized the whole. That eye was in itself a soul." To my wife.
[THE GUESTS APPLAUD. GRACE JOINS LEO ON THE STAGE AND GIVES HIM A KISS.]
GRACE: Thank you. You know, I'm feeling so many things right now, it's hard to put them into words. So I thought I would express myself in a different way.
GRACE: [SINGING "THROUGH THE EYES OF LOVE" HIGH-PITCHED AND OFF-KEY] Please don't let this feeling end, it might not come again, and I want to remember--
WILL: Salads are out!
GRACE: What? Oh, I don't-- I don't see salad.
KAREN: Oh, they're coming. Right, everybody?
[EVERYONE AGREES AND PUTS THEIR NAPKINS ON THEIR LAPS.]
[A LITTLE BIT LATER...]
[A WAITRESS WALKS BY. LEO TAKES AN HORS-D'OUEVRE.]
LEO: I'll have one of those. Thank you.
KAREN: What was that?
LEO: I was just taking a mini quiche.
KAREN: I know what you were doing! You were checking out that hussy, yeah. Well, let me tell you something, boy. Now that you're married, the only mini quiches you should be paying attention to are Grace's.
LEO: You're a little bit scary, aren't you?
KAREN: Listen to me, mister. If I hear that you have hurt my Gracie in any way, I will hurt you, yeah. I have people. I'm not gonna say who. But I do.
[KAREN WALKS AWAY. LEO TURNS AROUND. ROSARIO IS STANDING THERE.]
ROSARIO: Hello.
GRACE: Leo! Time to cut the cake. Okay, everyone! Come on up.
[LEO AND GRACE JOIN EACH OTHER AT THE CAKE. EVERYONE FORMS A CIRCLE AROUND THEM.]
GRACE: Okay, you are the doctor. I will follow your lead.
LEO: Okay, I'm not a doctor. I just said that so you'd marry me.
ELEANOR: Well, he's kidding.
BOBBI: He better be.
[LEO CUTS A PIECE OF CAKE AND TURNS TO GRACE.]
LEO: You want some--
[GRACE IS ALREADY EATING CAKE.]
GRACE: Oh, you wa--
LEO: No, no, no, that's fine.
BOBBI: Where are you kids going on your honeymoon?
GRACE: We haven't really talked about it yet.
ELEANOR: You should take her to your cabin.
GRACE: You have a cabin?
LEO: Yeah, I go there to fish.
GRACE: You fish?
LEO: Mm-hmm. I learned in Africa.
GRACE: You were in Africa?
LEO: Yeah, when I was with Doctors Without Borders.
GRACE: You were with Doctors Without Borders?
ROSARIO: Have you two met?
ELLEN: So, Grace, are you going to keep your last name?
GRACE: Um, I haven't really thought about it.
BOBBI: How many grandkids can I count on?
LEO: I don't know... Five.
GRACE: Two.
LEO: Four.
GRACE: Three. Oh. We haven't talked about it yet.
LEO: Yeah.
ELLEN: Yikes, that's the first thing I'd talk about.
JOE: Well, didn't you cover any of this in your premarital counseling?
GRACE: We didn't have any premarital counseling.
LARRY: Well, that's one way to go.
WILL: Hey, hey. Let's give the newlyweds a break here. I'm sure they know all the important stuff. Like favorite song. Favorite movie. Birthdays? No? Ppf. Doesn't matter.
[WILL TURNS AWAY, MOUTHING "WOW" TO KAREN AND ELLEN.]
ELEANOR: Don't worry, Grace. Marvin will fill you in on all that stuff.
GRACE: That's right, Eleanor. Who's Marvin?
LEO: That'd be me.
GRACE: Your name is Marvin?
LEO: Yeah, yeah. People always call me "Leo"... 'cause my name's Marvin.
JACK: [LAUGHS WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CAKE] You just married a guy, and you don't even know his name? Silly.
KAREN: It's okay, honey. He's been calling you "Grace" this whole time.
GRACE: I don't know your name?
LEO: Come on, my first wife didn't have a problem with that. Huh? [LAUGHS]
GRACE: You were married before?!
LEO: Okay, wrong time to try that joke. [QUIETLY] Are you okay, baby?
GRACE: Um, no, I'm-- Excuse me. [GRACE EXITS.]
LEO: Excuse me. [LEO EXITS AFTER HER.]
BOBBI: I knew she'd cock it up.
[GRACE GETS IN THE ELEVATOR. LEO FOLLOWS HER IN.]
LEO: Where are you going? You're blowin' this way out of proportion.
GRACE: [SIGHS] You're like a stranger to me... Marvin. I might as well have married my Israeli pen pal from when I was 15 who sent me love letters on Hello Kitty stationary.
LEO: Actually over there it'd be Shalom Kitty.
GRACE: [UPSET] Please don't joke right now. That was weird up there. I don't even know when your birthday is.
LEO: Okay, you wanna know some stuff about me? Here you go. I believe when I hold my breath, the guy on TV's going to make the basket. I'm in a Doors cover band, consisting entirely of surgeons called "The Operating Room Doors." And my deepest, darkest secret is that I don't like any food with raisins in it, but I do like raisins.
GRACE: See, we already have a problem. I love raisins. In everything! I even went to see A Raisin in the Sun because I thought there'd be raisins in it.
LEO: Grace, we have a whole lifetime to get to know each other, baby.
GRACE: I don't know. I don't know. I just wish that there was some way that we could be sure we were doing the right thing, you know. Just... a sign, something.
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. KATIE COURIC IS WAITING TO GET ON.]
GRACE: Katie? Hi!
KATIE: [UNDER HER BREATH] Crap. [TO GRACE AND LEO] Hi! Thanks for watching! Do you have your own pens?
GRACE: No, no, no. It's Grace and Leo. Remember, from the other day in the park. We got married because of you.
LEO: Actually I got a colonoscopy because of you too. Not on the same day, though. And not in the park.
KATIE: Eee, the wedding. Sorry about that.
GRACE: What? What do you mean?
KATIE: No one called you? Ooh, awkward. We're scrapping the whole wedding segment, because the judge performing the ceremony wasn't licensed in New York. So all those marriages are invalid. Oops! Last time I use Tom Brokaw's nephew as my fact checker.
[KATIE GETS IN THE ELEVATOR AND THE DOORS CLOSE.]
GRACE: I guess I wanted a sign, and I think I got it. We're not married.
[GRACE WALKS AWAY. LEO STOPS HER.]
LEO: Hey, Grace. Grace! Hey, hey, hey. We'll go to city hall tomorrow. We'll do it all over again.
GRACE: I don't know that I can.
LEO: Why? Why not? What's changed?
GRACE: Everything has changed. I mean, the first time I said yes, it was impulsive and romantic and to a guy named Leo. And now-- [SIGHS] We know nothing about each other.
LEO: I knew everything I needed to know about you the first time I held your hand. Grace, we're already married. The rest is paperwork.
GRACE: How can you be so sure?
LEO: Because when it's right, you just know. You remember Tuesday? We woke up. I said, "Morning, wife." You said, "Hello, husband." Remember that? Remember how great that was? I want every day to be Tuesday.
GRACE: Every day can't be Tuesday. Today's Saturday, so it can't be Tuesday. Monday can't be Tuesday. Tuesday can't-- Well, Tuesday can, but Wednesday definitely can't be Tues--
LEO: Listen, listen, listen. Just come up with me. And I promise you everything is going to be fine. Please.
GRACE: I can't. I need time. I'm sorry.
[GRACE WALKS AWAY.]
[JACK AND KAREN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, ENJOYING CAKE.]
KAREN: That was wild, wasn't it, Jackie? The way Grace just kind of spooked and ran off. Kind of like Rosie whenever I fire my gun in her room just as she's falling asleep.
JACK: Yeah, she's really upset. I've never seen Grace actually run from a cake.
KAREN: No.
[LEO ENTERS AND TAKES THE STAGE.]
LEO: Um, hi, everyone. I-I have a little bit of an announcement to make. Grace and I ran into Katie Couric in the lobby--
EVERYBODY: Oh!
LEO: And she said that we weren't really married.
EVERYBODY: Aw!
LEO: Turns out the judge that married us wasn't really legit, so... Anyway, we have this place till midnight, so stick around, you know. There's cake, there's booze, there's dancing. Well, have fun.
WILL: Leo, hey. I--I'm sorry. You okay?
LEO: I'm about as good as Bill Buckner of the '86 Red Sox.
WILL: Ooh, ouch. I'm sorry.
LEO: Do you even know what that means?
WILL: No, but anybody that's got 43 pairs of red socks obviously had issues. Where's Grace?
LEO: She took off. She--she was pretty freaked out. Can I borrow your phone, man? I think I need to call her.
GRACE: Uh, Leo, I think you might wanna give her some time right now. I know Grace. She's not like you. She's not impulsive. She once bought Impulse perfume and then returned it. That's why this whole getting married in the park thing all seemed so weird to me.
LEO: Yeah, well, I guess I should send everyone home.
[WILL SITS DOWN WITH KAREN AND JACK. LEO GETS ON THE STAGE AGAIN.]
LEO: Hi, it's me again. Listen, you're not going to like what you're about to hear.
GRACE: [ENTERING, HIGH-PITCHED OFF-KEY SINGING] Please don't let this feeling end, it not might come again, and I want to remember.
WILL: [TO KAREN] To be fair, he did say we wouldn't like what we were about to hear. [KAREN NODS.]
LEO: I thought you needed time to think.
GRACE: I did. And I realized I want today to be Tuesday.
[LEO AND GRACE KISS.]
KAREN: It's Tuesday? How long have I been out?
GRACE: Okay. So our first wedding didn't take. But we're havin' another one! And a real one this time. As for all these, ah, these lovely presents, I-I don't really know the protocol. Let's just call them engagement gifts. Bring another one at the wedding.
SCENE IV: The Synagogue
(Guests are arriving... WILL is in the foyer. He takes a skull cap from the basket of kippot and puts it on his head. He moves
to the guest book.)
WILL: [TO THE GUESTS] Don't forget to sign the guest book. Okay, who wrote, "If it doesn't work out, call me." That's tacky. Don't forget to sign the guest book.
JACK: [ENTERING] Oh, perfect. I've been looking for this.
[JACK TAKES TWO SKULL CAPS AND PUTS THEM UNDER HIS TUX-COAT AS SHOULDER PADS.]
WILL: That's a little inappropriate!
JACK: Please. This is inappropriate? How about inviting people to watch a man and woman get married? Look how good it makes my shoulders look.
[WILL PULLS HIS OFF AND PUTS IT IN UNDER HIS COAT AND GRABS ANOTHER ONE
JACK: Well, Will. Congratulations. I think you've done a fantastic job at planning this wedding. I take my pants off to you.
WILL: You've gotta be kidding me. The photographer's late. Four people who RSVP'd "no" just arrived with dates. And the cake shows up with two grooms on it. Is the whole city gay?
JACK: Not yet. [WITH ENGLISH ACCENT] But if all goes as planned, come Monday morning... [WRINGS HIS HANDS WITH AN EVIL LAUGH] Mwah-ha-ha-ha!
WILL: And look at these boutonnieres. Dead.
JACK: They're fine.
WILL: They're dead, my friend. They just made contact with John Edward.
WILL: [YELLING AT A GUEST] Hey, hey, hey! Sign that guest book!
JACK: Lady, you're a wreck!
[JACK SLAPS WILL ACROSS THE FACE.]
JACK: But it's understandable. Today's a big day for you. You're not just losing a best friend, you're also losing a hag.
WILL: She's not my hag, okay? She's the most important person in my life, who used to be in love with me, and who for the last 15 years has never left my side. [VOICE BREAKING] She's been a hell of a hag.
[JOE AND LARRY ENTER.]
LARRY: Hey, Will.
WILL: Hey.
[LARRY HUGS WILL.]
LARRY: Hey. Are you okay?
WILL: Sure, why wouldn't I be?
LARRY: 'Cause you're losing your girl. You're single again.
JOE: Boy, I miss those days...
LARRY: That can be arranged!
JOE: I'm joking! I was joking.
[JOE HEADS IN.]
LARRY: [QUIETLY TO WILL] But if you know anyone.
[LARRY FOLLOWS JOE IN.]
[CUT TO GRACE, GETTING READY IN THE DRESSING ROOM. KAREN IS SITTING ON THE COUCH.]
BOBBI: [ENTERING] Knock, knock! Oh, I'm here to see the daughter of the mother of the bride.
GRACE: Come on in, mom, for one minute.
BOBBI: Now, Grace, I don't want you to freak out, but the biggest day of your life is ruined.
GRACE: What?
BOBBI: Well, your father's back went out. And he can't move.
GRACE: How is he going to walk me down the aisle?
BOBBI: Dear, I don't know. But we'll just put a pastrami sandwich and a TV Guide under the chuppah. He'll find his way.
[BOBBI EXITS.]
KAREN: Honey. Have Will walk you down the aisle. Yeah, it'll be perfect. Out with the 'mo, in with the Jew!
GRACE: Will'll love that. He looks so beautiful in his tux.
KAREN: Mm-hmm.
GRACE: He's not gonna be the most beautiful one there, is he?
KAREN: Oh, honey, come on! Don't be silly. That's crazy talk. I'll be there. Come on.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. LEO'S MOTHER, ELEANOR, ENTERS.]
ELEANOR: Hello?! Oh, Grace. You look so beautiful. Would you mind if I gave you a little advice my mother gave me?
GRACE: Oh, Eleanor, that would mean so much to me.
ELEANOR: Right before the ceremony, make sure you pee. Because I didn't, and I ended up saying all my vows doing that pee-pee dance.
GRACE: Thank you...mom. I guess now I can call you "mom."
ELEANOR: Or Eleanor.
[ELEANOR EXITS.]
KAREN: Gracela. Now that we have a moment alone together there's something that I wanted to say to you. You know I've always been a little shy when it comes to discussing [WHISPERING] S-E-X. Otherwise known as [WHISPERING] F-U--
GRACE: Know what you're talking about. Karen, I've had sex before.
KAREN: [LAUGHING] Oh, honey, come on. You don't have to pretend anymore. It's me you're talking to. Carol.
GRACE: Karen.
KAREN: Oh, pretty. Listen, all I'm saying is it's okay to be scared. It's gonna hurt... Bad. [NODS.]
GRACE: Okay. I'll file that away with your earlier advice on how to lure lesbians to your yacht with Bain du Soleil and a flashlight. What is all this?
KAREN: Well, I guess, honey, it's your wedding. And, I mean, I wanted to be here for you to contribute something meaningful, you know. To be a part of the day.
GRACE: Karen. You are part of the day. You're my friend.
KAREN: Oh, honey. Really?
[KAREN HUGS GRACE.]
GRACE: Yes.
KAREN: Oh, look at me. I'm crying.
GRACE: No, you're not.
[CUT TO THE FOYER. WILL IS WATCHING TWO LADIES SIGNING THE GUEST BOOK.]
WILL: Ladies, I said no poems.
[ROB AND ELLEN ENTER.]
ROB: There he is.
WILL: Hey.
ROB: Hey, buddy, how you holdin' up? You need a handshake?
WILL: I'm fine. I'm fine. Ellen, you make a beautiful bridesmaid.
ELLEN: Aw. Eight months pregnant-- Look at the dress she picks for me. [SCOFFS] I hate that skinny bitch.
WILL: Maybe you oughta skip the guest book.
[ROB AND ELLEN HEAD IN.]
[JULIUS, BOBBI'S LONG-TIME PIANIST, ENTERS.]
JULIUS: Are you going to be okay tonight, Will?
WILL: Julius, yes, I'll be fine.
JULIUS: How 'bout tomorrow night?
WILL: Sign the book.
[JULIUS HEADS OVER TO THE GUEST BOOK. LEO ENTERS.]
LEO: Hey, Will.
WILL: Hey.
LEO: Listen, man. I know this is gotta be pretty hard on you.
WILL: It's not hard on me.
LEO: Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to really do my best to make Grace as happy as you have. Well, plus sex.
[LEO HEADS IN.]
WILL: What's the matter with everybody? I'm fine.
ROSARIO: Will?
WILL: I'm fine!
ROSARIO: Grace needs you in the dressing room.
WILL: Oh, all right.
ROSARIO: Aw...
WILL: What?
ROSARIO: [HOLDS OUT HER ARMS TO HUG WILL] Come here, chica!
[WILL WALKS PAST HER.]
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR. GRACE IS STILL IN HER ROBE.]
WILL: Hey. You're not wearing that, are you?
GRACE: Well, it's white.
WILL: Yeah, that's what I mean.
GRACE: I didn't think I was going to be so nervous. But I am. I'm doing the right thing, right?
WILL: Well--
GRACE: What?!
WILL: Nothing. No, I just-- I'm just saying-- As a friend, I want you to know that if you were thinking of calling it off, don't worry about the people out there. Don't worry about all those gifts. You do what your heart tells you is right.
GRACE: Are you freaking kidding me with this?!
WILL: "If," I said "if."
GRACE: The question was rhetorical. That means you're supposed to say "yes."
WILL: That's not what "rhetorical" means.
GRACE: Are we talking about what "rhetorical" means or about how you're freaking me out right now?
WILL: Am I supposed to answer that or is that rhetorical too?
GRACE: Okay, I don't have time for this, Will. I have to get into my dress.
WILL: I--
[GRACE WALKS BEHIND A DRESSING SCREEN TO PUT ON HER DRESS.]
GRACE: [TALKING TO HERSELF] [SIGHS] Who says that? "Don't worry about the people, don't worry about all the gifts." Who does that? An ass, that's who!
WILL: It's a screen, not a soundproof booth.
[CUT TO OUTSIDE THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR. JACK AND KAREN ARE LISTENING IN.]
KAREN: Oh, isn't that sweet? Will's doin' her one last time before he hands her off to Leo.
JACK: I just hope before I get married, he'll do the same for me.
KAREN: Ditto. [LAUGHS]
JACK: Hey, Kar. Can I kiss you?
KAREN: Why?
JACK: Just 'cause.
KAREN: Okay.
[JACK AND KAREN GIVE EACH OTHER A SWEET PECK ON THE LIPS.]
KAREN: Aw.
JACK: Heh heh.
[KAREN GRABS JACK'S HEAD AND KISSES HIM, KNOCKING HIM BACKWARDS INTO THE WALL.]
[BACK INSIDE THE DRESSING ROOM....]
WILL: All I'm trying to say--
GRACE: Ah!
WILL: I just--
GRACE: No!
WILL: Look at it from my point--
GRACE: Don't!
[GRACE MOVES AROUND THE SCREEN, FULLY DRESSED IN HER WEDDING GOWN. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.]
GRACE: Let me tell you something, mister. This wedding is going to happen. You better get on board, because you've gotta walk me down the aisle.
WILL: What?
GRACE: My dad threw his back out. He's bent over like he's trying to pick up a quarter, which is probably how he threw out his back to begin with. So I need you to walk me down the aisle.
WILL: I can't do that. I'm running this show. I-I got a million things to attend to. G-G-G-Get Jack to do it.
GRACE: I'm not having Jack walk me down the aisle. He'll meet someone halfway down and ditch me!
WILL: Well, then-- then get Karen to do it.
GRACE: Karen? When was the last time she could walk a straight line? Besides, I don't want them. I want you!
WILL: Well, I--I can't do it. All right?
GRACE: What do you mean, you can't do it? I need someone to give me away. You're my best friend. I want it to be you. It should be you.
WILL: I don't wanna.
GRACE: You don't "wanna"? Why not? Will?
WILL: Look, Grace, I'll do a lot of things for you. I-I'll plan your wedding. I'll pick the florist. I'll--I'll even let you have input on your dress. But to actually be the one that--that... that hands you off to another guy... that I can't do.
LEO: [KNOCKING] Groom coming in.
[LEO ENTERS, WITH HIS HANDS OVER HIS EYES.]
LEO: I'm not looking. Just wanted to make sure everything was okay in here. People are starting to place bets. Apparently, you've walked out on one of these before. I didn't know about that, but that's cool.
GRACE: Look, Leo--
LEO: Oh, God.
GRACE: No. No, we're getting married. Just--the thing is, Will and I need to take a little walk. So could you just stall them, just a little bit?
[GRACE AND WILL EXIT.]
LEO: Sure, sure, yeah. Just as long as you remember that you and I have to take a little walk as well. I'm a little bit nervous about that track record of yours. Ha ha. Ha ha. Heh. You're gone, aren't you? Okay, I guess this would be as good a time as any to tell you about that stripper at my bachelor party.
SCENE V: A Rooftop
(GRACE has lead WILL up on the rooftop of a building.)
WILL: Grace, what are we doing up here? This is ridiculous. There is no way you're gonna talk me into this.
GRACE: Stop. Now let me talk, okay? You know the story you always tell of when we first met? The one that you told at the reception? The fondue story? I love how you tell it. It's a wonderful story.
WILL: Well, I am a natural storyteller.
GRACE: Yeah. Too bad it's crap.
WILL: What?
GRACE: That was the second time we met. The first time was right here, on this roof, at Nancy Jacob's party.
WILL: Nancy Ja-- No, no. That was across from a juice bar.
GRACE: Paradise Juice. Right over there, where that parking lot is. [GRACE POINTS DOWN]
WILL: Oh, typical. They pave Paradise, and they put up a parking lot. You were here?
GRACE: Yup. I thought you were the cutest guy I had ever seen. So I came up to you, and I asked for a drink. And you were so sweet, the way you held that funnel for me.
[WILL CHUCKLES.]
GRACE: And then I stumbled back to Nancy and I said, "That's the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with."
WILL: Well... we say things when we're young. I said Human League would be bigger than the Beatles.
GRACE: Will, I may be getting married today, but when I said I was going to spend the rest of my life with you, I wasn't wrong.
WILL: Well, except--
GRACE: No. I wasn't wrong. Now let's jump.
WILL: What?
GRACE: Let's keep going, Thelma.
[WILL LAUGHS. HE KISSES GRACE ON THE LIPS AND THE TWO EMBRACE.]
WILL: [SINGING SOFTLY] You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you...
GRACE: [SINGING SOFTLY] I picked you out and shook you up and turned you around, turned you into someone new...
WILL: Don't tell Leo I had the first dance.
SCENE VI: The Synagogue
(Everyone is waiting patiently for the bride. WILL and GRACE enter.)
WILL: Anybody lose one of these? Hey, a little traveling music, please.
[THE THEME FROM "BRIDESHEAD REVISITED" BEGINS PLAYING AS WILL WALKS GRACE DOWN THE AISLE.]
KAREN: [TO JACK] Honey, look at him. After all these years, Will and Grace are finally getting married. Am I crying yet?
JACK: Still no.
KAREN: Now?
JACK: Nu-uh.
KAREN: How about now?
JACK: No.
KAREN: Stick a pin in my arm.
JACK: I am.
[WILL AND GRACE HAVE REACHED THE ALTAR. WILL LIFTS GRACE'S VEIL.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Here we go.
WILL: [QUIETLY] This may be a bad time to tell you this, but... I'm straight.
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Don't make me laugh. I'm being photographed.
WILL: [QUIETLY] Take good care of her. Okay?
LEO: [QUIETLY] I will.
[WILL SHAKES LEO'S HAND. HE WALKS DOWN AND SITS NEXT TO BOBBI.]
RABBI: Hello, everybody. Today we're here to celebrate the marriage of Grace Adler and Marvin Markus.
GRACE AND LEO [BOTH]: Leo.
SCENE VII: Central Park
(WILL, GRACE, LEO, JACK, and KAREN are walking through the park the next morning.)
JACK: Whoo! What a great party. Can't remember the last time I stayed up all night. Oh, wait, Thursday.
WILL: Let me see that ring again. Man, it must've cost you an arm and a leg. Or one of your patients an arm and a leg.
LEO: Not really, I pulled the ring off that arm.
KAREN: Oh, I love diamonds.
JACK: Oh, my god, Karen. You're crying.
KAREN: Yay!
GRACE: Look at the size of this thing. I don't want to exaggerate, but I bet you could see this puppy from space.
["TIME OF THE SEASON" BY THE ZOMBIES PLAYS AS THE CAMERA PULLS UP, ZOOMING OUT UNTIL THE ENTIRE EARTH IS SHOWN.]
KAREN'S VOICE: Holy cripes! Am I outside again?