Episode #5.05
Original Airdate 10/31/2002
Written by Gary Janetti
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Harry Connick Jr. (Dr. Leo Markus)
Reginald VelJohnson (Dr. Kaplan)
Jason Marsden (Kim)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is making omelets as GRACE enters from her bedroom.)
WILL: Hey, what do you want in your omelet?
GRACE: Hello? It's the week before Halloween.
WILL: Right. So candy corn, Good 'n Plenty, and Reese's Pieces.
GRACE: But make it with egg whites, it's healthier. Oh, can you make another one? Leo's gonna join us.
WILL: Oh...Leo...
GRACE: How come every time I say Leo, you have to say "oh...Leo"?
WILL: Because I'm trying to make the passive-aggressive point that I'm not crazy about him. I don't know why you haven't picked up on that.
GRACE: You know, you could make an effort. This guy's really important to me.
WILL: I could make an effort, but I wouldn't be able to go "oh...Leo" all the time.
[GRACE EXITS INTO THE HALLWAY TO PICK UP THE NEWSPAPER.]
[JACK HAS SET UP A SMALL TABLE WITH TWO CHAIRS OUTSIDE HIS APARTMENT. THERE'S A RADIO ON THE TABLE PLAYING MUSIC. HE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH A BIG COFFEE MUG.]
GRACE: What are you doing?
JACK: Well, you know, I like to dine al fresco, so I opened up a little café... "Jacques'."
[JACK TAKES A SIP OF HIS DRINK.]
JACK: Mmm. "Cimanin."
[GRACE ROLLS HER EYES AND GOES BACK INTO THE APARTMENT.]
GRACE: [TO WILL, POINTING TOWARDS THE DOOR] Did you know that--
WILL: Uh-huh.
[GRACE FLIPS THROUGH THE NEWPAPER.]
GRACE: [SIGHS] Oh, God. Two guys are already lining up for the next Star Wars movie. I wanna show up in two years and cut right in front of them.
LEO: [ENTERING] Hey, guys. Adler, do you have two singles? I'm short. I told the cab driver I was gonna get some money for his tip-- Screw it, I'm already here. Hi. Hey, Will.
WILL: [FAKE ENTHUSIASM] Hey, Leo! Great to see you, buddy! Thanks for dropping by!
LEO: "Hey, Leo," I like that. It's a lot better than [IMITATING WILL] "Oh...Leo."
WILL: Yeah, how does "Goodbye, Leo" grab you?
GRACE: Oh, look at this. Pumpkin picking day trips in the Catskills. We should do this.
WILL: I know. We always talk about it. We really should do it this time. We could rent bikes. Bike up there. Pick our own pumpkin.
LEO: I got a Jeep. I could drive up. We could all go together.
GRACE: Sounds great! Right, Will?
WILL: Uh, sure. Maybe.
LEO: I got a friend. He loves to bike. Maybe you would hit it off. We could go Halloween, unless you have to work.
WILL: Uh, it's Halloween.
LEO: Excellent. Oh, I gotta go. My latte's probably ready. Have you guys been to Jacques'?
GRACE: No, but I pass it every day on my way to work.
[LEO EXITS.]
WILL: That bike trip's never gonna happen.
GRACE: No, of course not. Who does that?
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are sitting at the table when LEO enters.)
LEO: Hey. You guys ready? [CLAPPING] I got the bikes, I got the Jeep. I got the annoying clapping. Come on, let's do it.
GRACE: Do what?
LEO: Pumpkins? Catskills? You know, the bike trip. My buddy's in the lobby. He's really excited. Come on. Pumpkins! Outdoors! Fresh air! Let's raise the roof. Too far.
[LEO EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: He's kidding, right? We don't do things. We talk about doing things, but we never do them.
LEO: I know. [GASPS] Oh, God. He thinks I do things!
WILL: A pumpkin-picking bike trip on a brisk fall day? It's madness!
GRACE: You have to come. Come on, it could be fun. We're always saying we should be more spontaneous, right?
WILL: Yeah. I just didn't think it would happen so suddenly.
[CUT TO THE HALLWAY, A.K.A. JACQUES'. KAREN HAS JOINED JACK AT THE TABLE. THE RADIO IS PLAYING "TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD" BY RUFUS (FEATURING CHAKA KHAN).]
JACK: You okay, Kare? You haven't touched your Jack-accino.
KAREN: Yeah, I am fine. It's just this song. Stan always puts it on whenever we're making love. Or as I like to call it, being trapped under rubble.
JACK: Gosh, Kares, is it hard to be with him after almost having an affair?
KAREN: No, honey. That's all behind us. I don't even think about that anymore. Ooh. Look, I got a little spot on my jacket. [RUBBING THE SPOT] Out. [RUBBING HARDER] Out, damned spot. Filthy whore! I'm sorry, Stan, I almost cheated on you! You know, I could probably take this to the dry cleaners.
JACK: Uh-oh. I think your behavior is masking some deeper turmoil. But what? [THINKS]
JACK: [KNOCKING HIS HEAD] Grr, psychology is so hard. All right, listen. I tell you what. I'll take you to my gay group therapy. They'll help.
KAREN: No. No more of your damn gay group therapy. How many times you expect me to sit through "Mamma Mia"?
JACK: Karen, I'm serious. Come with me. They'll help. I used to have multiple personalities. Now I'm only dating one guy. Oh, and if anybody asks, your drag name is All-Beef Patty. [KAREN NODS 'OK'.]
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT THEIR APARTMENT.]
KAREN: [TO WILL AND GRACE] Nope.
JACK: [TO WILL AND GRACE] Sorry, there's a 20-minute wait. Thank you.
[WILL AND GRACE PASS JACQUES' AND PRESS THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] Thanks for doing this.
WILL: Well, I'm a good friend. Who knows, maybe this guy Leo's bringing along is gonna turn out to be totally hot.
[THE ELEVATOR OPENS. LEO AND HIS FRIEND KIM ARE INSIDE. KIM IS VERY SHORT--ABOUT 7 INCHES SHORTER THAN WILL.]
KIM: Hello.
LEO: Will, this is my friend, Kim.
KIM: It is nice to meet you.
[WILL AND KIM SHAKE HANDS.]
KIM: [QUIETLY TO LEO] Score.
WILL: Nice to meet you, too... Kim. Um, why don't you guys go on ahead, and we'll meet you downstairs.
KIM: Looking forward to it.
LEO: [TO KIM] Down, boy.
KIM: [TO LEO] Shut up, man.
[THE ELEVATOR CLOSES.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] You owe me big time.
JACK: [TO WILL] Or... you owe her.
WILL: Huh?
JACK: Well, you see what you have there, don't you?
WILL: I see what I don't have, the other half of my date.
JACK: What you have... is a pocket gay.
WILL: A pocket gay?
KAREN AND GRACE [BOTH]: A pocket gay?
JACK: A pocket gay. The perfect travel-size homosexual. Just pop him in a man-purse, a briefcase, and you're good to go. In ten years they'll be making 'em all that way.
SCENE III: Gay Group Therapy
(JACK and KAREN are sitting with a group of men. The therapy session led by DR. KAPLAN.)
KAREN: And ever since it happened, I feel so guilty.
[AWKWARD PAUSE.]
KAREN: Well, I feel a little bit uncomfortable. All of these gay eyes on me. Judging me. Undressing me. Then dressing me up again in a different outfit.
KAPLAN: Well, I can understand your reservations, Ms. Beef Patty. But I just want you to understand that we don't judge in here.
[BEAT. EVERYONE LAUGHS.]
KAPLAN: But seriously, you do seem troubled. But we understand what you're going through in here. I mean, a lot of us in here have cheated... [TO ONE OF THE MEN] Roger. [TO KAREN] But I think that your conscience is telling you what you need to do.
KAREN: I have to tell Stan, don't I?
KAPLAN: In here, we value honesty above all else.
[BEAT. EVERYONE LAUGHS.]
KAPLAN: All right, all right. Come on, stop! Ha ha ha!
SCENE IV: The Catskills
(WILL, KIM, GRACE, and LEO are riding their bikes down the road, on their way to the pumpkin patch.)
LEO: [TO KIM] Little man, you wanna race?
KIM: Oh, come on, Leo. It's such a beautiful day, let's-- Psych!
[KIM TAKES OFF, WITH LEO IN HOT PURSUIT, LEAVING WILL AND GRACE BEHIND.]
GRACE: God, Kim's like a machine.
WILL: Or a wind-up toy. [SIGHS] This sucks, riding around in this stupid yellow helmet. It's like I'm on a bike trip with Curious George.
GRACE: I know. If this seat goes any further up my ass, I'm gonna have to take my underwear off with tweezers.
WILL: Fall off your bike.
GRACE: What?
WILL: Fall off. You'll break something, we'll go back to the lodge, get a stack of pancakes, and end this rotten day.
GRACE: I'm not falling off. You fall.
WILL: He's your boyfriend.
GRACE: And Kim's your boyfriend.
[WILL SMACKS GRACE'S ARM.]
GRACE: Hey, stop that!
WILL: You stop!
GRACE: Can we just please enjoy this? God, I'm so sick of myself. You know what? I'm making a change. From here on, it's a new Grace. And New Grace is gonna be adventurous and outdoorsy. Like the girls on "Little House on the Prairie," but with makeup and sight.
WILL: Get off it. There's no new Grace. Nobody changes, and there's nothing new.
GRACE: You're just jealous because in the last two minutes I've matured and you haven't.
WILL: Any other pearls of wisdom from New Grace?
GRACE: Yeah. Watch out for the pothole.
WILL: What does that mean, watch out for the pot-holy sh--!
[WILL RUNS OFF THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND CRASHES.]
SCENE V: The Lodge
(WILL and GRACE are sitting on the couch.)
GRACE: You okay?
WILL: No! Leo did this on purpose. Clearly, this whole trip was planned to humiliate me. I get the crappy bike, a micro-date, and a helmet that makes me look like I ride the special bus. [WILL TAKES OFF THE HELMET.]
GRACE: Now, Will, let's not rewrite history. The yellow helmet was the only one that fit over your enormous forehead.
WILL: Whatever.
[WILL PUSHES HIS HAIR DOWN OVER HIS FOREHEAD.]
WILL: At least now we get to go home, get away from all this fresh air and scenery, and spend Halloween like civilized people. Getting hammered in a crowded bar.
GRACE: I'm not going anywhere. I meant what I said before about a new attitude. I'm going to finish this bike trip.
WILL: Oh, please. Nobody has a new attitude, and nobody finishes anything.
GRACE: You know what, Will? You could stand to be a little more open-minded. Let the new Will out. Who knows, maybe New Will knows how to ride a bike.
[LEO AND KIM ENTER.]
LEO: They were a little bit low on medical supplies. But it's cool. You'll probably pass out from the blood loss before the excruciating pain kicks in.
[KIM SNICKERS. WILL MAKES AN ANNOYED FAKE-LAUGH FACE.]
LEO: Okay. So what are we gonna do? Head back?
GRACE: No, are you kidding? Let's go. Let's hit the road. Ooh, sorry, Will.
KIM: Why don't you go ahead? I'll stay with Will.
LEO: Okay. But you owe me one.
KIM: I owe you nothing. Shut up. Get outta here.
[LEO AND GRACE LEAVE.]
SCENE VI: Karen Walker's Penthouse
(KAREN and JACK are in the den, outside Stanley's office.)
KAREN: [SIGHS] Well, this is it, Jackie. The moment of truth. Gonna open those doors, walk into Stan's office, and tell him that I had an affair. And that I feel awful about it. I wish there was some way I could take it back. Please forgive me! Well, I feel better. What do you say we get outta here?
JACK: No, Karen! No! This isn't one of those ugly situations where you can just close your eyes and pray it will be over soon, like a Jennifer Love Hewitt movie. You have to deal with this.
KAREN: You're right. You're right. 'Course you're right. Well, I feel better, what do you say we get out--
JACK: Karen, no!
KAREN: Oh, why should I?
JACK: Because--
KAREN: Because why?
JACK: Karen. One of the things I admire most about you is your ability to meet a challenge head on. You see a difficult situation, and you tackle it.
KAREN: Yes.
JACK: You're strong. You're fearless. Your boobs are as high as an elephant's eye. That's why I love you. I'm gonna help you. Okay. I'm opening the door.
[KAREN GASPS.]
["TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD" IS PLAYING.]
JACK: I'm closing the door.
[JACK SHUTS THE DOORS.]
KAREN: Why? What happened?
JACK: Karen, um, one of the things I admire about you is your ability to run from a challenge. You see a difficult situation and you tackle it with a bottle of J&B. You're weak. You're a scaredy-cat. Your elephant boobs are in my eye. Let's go! Come on!
KAREN: Honey! Get out of my way. I've gotta talk to Stanley.
JACK: No, Karen, he's busy!
KAREN: What--what are you trying to hide, Heidi?
JACK: Nothing! Look, uh, a shiny object.
[JACK PICKS UP A SHINY OBJECT OFF THE TABLE AND WAVES IT IN FRONT OF KAREN'S FACE.]
KAREN: [MESMERIZED] Ooh.
[JACK BEGINS TO STARE AT IT.]
JACK: [MERSMERIZED] Ooh.
KAREN: [SNAPPING OUT OF IT] Oh!
[KAREN OPENS THE DOORS. "TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD" IS PLAYING. JACK GASPS.]
KAREN: Stanley, that had better be me you're having sex with!
SCENE VII: The Lodge
(WILL is sitting on the couch as KIM helps him get comfortable.)
KIM: All right, just keep these puppies elevated, and we'll be dancin' in no time.
WILL: Legs don't heal, and nobody dances. Look, you know, you really don't have to stay with me. I-I'm fine.
KIM: It's okay, I want to.
WILL: Why?
KIM: [SIGHS] Because I like you, okay? I think you're cute.
WILL: Why do you say that? I'm not cute. I'm grouchy. I'm inflexible. Give me a lawn chair and an open robe, and I'm my grandfather.
KIM: You see, and I think that's cute.
[KIM JUMPS OVER THE COUCH'S ARM REST AND POPS ONTO THE COUCH. KIM TOUCHES WILL'S FEET.]
KIM: Ooh, your feet are freezing. How's this?
[KIM BEGINS MASSAGING WILL'S FEET.]
WILL: You don't have to do th-- Ooh, boy, that feels good....
SCENE VIII: The Catskills
(GRACE and LEO are on the side of the road. The chain on GRACE's bicycle has derailed. She is bent over trying to put it back on.)
LEO: Need some help?
GRACE: Please. Would the Little House girls need help putting a chain back on their prairie bikes? I don't think so. I am fine. This is fun.
LEO: Well, take as long as you need. I'm having a hell of a time admiring your ass.
GRACE: Oh, good! I got it on. I did it! Look!
[GRACE STANDS UP. THE BIKE PEDAL IS IN HER HAND.]
GRACE: How essential is this? Okay, this is not a problem. This is an opportunity for more fun. Okay?
[A CAR PASSES BY. A COFFEE CUP IS THROWN OUT THE WINDOW AND HITS GRACE IN THE HEAD.]
LEO: Guess that's why they call it a to-go cup. You okay?
GRACE: Fine. All I need now is another car to go by with a muffin and a paper. [SIGHS]
LEO: Let me get you something to dry off with.
[LEO WALKS OFF.]
[A CAR PASSES BY AND SPLASHES MUD ALL OVER GRACE'S FACE AND BODY.]
LEO: Here you go.
[LEO HANDS GRACE A FACIAL TISSUE.]
GRACE: [SNIFFLING] Thanks. Fun!
SCENE IX: The Hallway between Will and Jack's apartments, Café Jacques'
(JACK has the chairs up on the table and is sweeping. The elevator opens and KAREN gets out.)
KAREN: Hey, Jackie.
JACK: Hi, Kare. I hope you're not hungry. The kitchen just closed.
[KAREN SITS DOWN.]
KAREN: No. It's okay. Hmm, quiet tonight.
JACK: Well... a holiday...
KAREN: Yeah.
JACK: Can I get you something to drink?
KAREN: Oh, yeah. Bourbon on the rocks.
JACK: Oh, we don't have a liquor license.
KAREN: I do.
[KAREN PULLS A BOTTLE AND A GLASS OUT OF HER PURSE AND POURS HERSELF A DRINK.]
JACK: [SIGHS] So?
KAREN: So. It's been going on for months. She works in the prison cafeteria. The hairnet... the pork chops... how can I compete with that? Apparently, she had him at jello.
JACK: So, uh, what are you gonna do?
KAREN: Well... Honey, I left him.
JACK: Sorry.
[TWO KIDS EXIT THE ELEVATOR.]
KIDS: Trick or treat.
KAREN: Okay.
[KAREN POURS BOURBON INTO EACH KID'S PUMPKIN BASKET.]
KAREN: There you go.
SCENE X: The Catskills Pumpkin Patch
(LEO and GRACE pull up to the pumpkin patch and park their bikes.)
LEO: There it is. I see the one I want. It's orange. Let's go. Whoo!
[LEO RUNS OFF]
GRACE: Whoo! I'm right behind you. This is great. [QUIETLY TO HERSELF] I could be in a crowded gay bar right now, getting hammered. Whoo!
GRACE: Leo? Leo, where are ya?
LEO: Catch!
[LEO TOSSES A PUMPKIN TO GRACE. THE PUMPKIN KNOCKS GRACE TO THE GROUND.]
GRACE: Oh, motherf-- Oof!
[LEO SITS DOWN ON THE GROUND AND HELPS GRACE UP INTO A SITTING POSITION.]
LEO: Are you okay? What was I thinking? I guessed that you weighed more than the pumpkin.
GRACE: Leo. I have to tell you something. I have been trying so hard to be someone that I'm-- [THUNDER. IT BEGINS TO RAIN] And it's raining.
[LEO PULLS OFF HIS JACKET AND PUTS IT OVER GRACE'S HEAD.]
LEO: God. You even look beautiful wet.
GRACE: I know, but... Look, there's something I gotta tell ya.
LEO: You're having a crappy time.
GRACE: I am. I wish I weren't, but I am. I'm wet and cold. And I've got mud on my Juicy Couture shirt. And I've inhaled four bugs.
[GRACE COUGHS AND HOLDS UP HER HAND, FIVE FINGERS.]
GRACE: Look, Leo, there is no New Grace. It's just old Grace with pigtails and lower back pain. And I know that you don't know what that means, but I do. So you need a girl who likes to go outside and eat bugs, and I guess you're gonna have to find one, 'cause it ain't me.
LEO: That's a shame. You were the right size and everything. Hello? Coat hog.
[GRACE SPREADS THE JACKET OVER BOTH OF THEIR HEADS.]
GRACE: When did you know I was hating it?
LEO: When we passed that motel with free HBO, and a tear ran down your cheek.
GRACE: I do love television. I'm sorry.
LEO: It's okay.
[LEO KISSES GRACE.]
LEO: Wanna get outta here?
GRACE: What's the rush? I'm starting to feel a little more outdoorsy.
[GRACE KISSES LEO BACK.]
[LEO AND GRACE SIT IN THE RAIN KISSING.]
SCENE XI: Will's Apartment Building
(The elevator door opens. WILL exits, GRACE stays in.)
WILL: You staying at Leo's tonight?
GRACE: Yeah. What about you?
WILL: Ugh. I'm beat. I'm probably just gonna crash.
GRACE: Ok. Goodnight.
WILL: Goodnight.
[WILL WAITS AT THE DOOR UNTIL THE ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES.]
WILL: Psst!
[KIM OPENS THE STAIRWELL DOOR.]
[WILL NODS TOWARDS THE APARTMENT. WILL FOLLOWS KIM INTO THE APARTMENT WHILE "TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD" PLAYS.]