Episode #5.04
Original Airdate 10/17/2002
Written by Kari Lizer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Tim Bagley (Larry)
Jerry Levine (Joe)
Mary McDonough (Mom)
Hannah Leigh Dworkin (Ruby)
Ryan Armstrong (Josh)
KAREN: Previously on Will & Grace...
WILL: [TO JACK] Grace and I are really focused on this baby right now, and we've made an agreement-- no dating.
GRACE: [TO KAREN] Two weeks ago, I wanted this baby more than anything. And now, I'm just-- I'm so confused.
WILL: [TO GRACE] Oh, I can't believe this. This is only the most important thing we've ever done together, and you flake out on me? I don't know why that's surprising--you're a flake.
GRACE: [TO WILL] All I asked for was one month-- one month to see where this is going.
WILL: Oh, let me tell you where this is going. You'll end up hating him in three weeks because, I don't know, he has a weird chest hair pattern, or he doesn't like watching "E!" Or he'll end up hating you because you're too needy. Then you'll fall apart, I'll pick you up, and then, magically, you'll be ready to have a baby.
GRACE: Look, I'm sorry that I met someone, 'cause I know how much you hate it when I'm happy.
WILL: Oh, that is such a load!
GRACE: Admit it. You're happiest when I'm miserable. I mean, come on. Isn't that our thing? Because then you don't have to look at how miserable you are.
WILL: Shut up, Grace!
GRACE: But I am not gonna be miserable for you. I am gonna try to be happy. And if you can't deal with that, then you are even more pathetic than I thought.
WILL: Get outta here.
GRACE: Go to hell!
WILL: No, I mean it! I want you outta here in two weeks. You don't live here anymore.
SCENE I: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is sitting at her desk. JACK is visiting. They are discussing what to do about Will and Grace.)
JACK: I don't know how much longer I can live with Will. I mean, every time I get in the shower with him, he's like, "Jack, get the hell out."
KAREN: I know, honey. Grace is driving me nuts, too. She can't concentrate on work anymore. Mm-mm. She just sits around all day, doodling pictures of people's houses on these enormous sketch pads. And then, she's on the phone all the time, ordering furniture? Honey, where's she gonna put all that, huh? In these "houses" she's drawing? Oh...
JACK: So we need to get them back together-- But how? [PENSIVE] Pretend to think, pretend to think.
KAREN: [PENSIVE] Pretend to care, pretend to care.
JACK: Ooh, I got it. What we need is a plan. Some way to get them in the same room together.
KAREN: Oh, honey, that's genius. Write that down.
[JACK PICKS UP A PAPER FROM KARENS DESK.]
KAREN: Oh, wait, not on that. That's for Will and Grace. That's an invitation to Joe and Larry's kid's birthday party.
JACK: Oh, yeah, I got one of these, too. Anyway, enough about that.
KAREN: Yeah.
JACK: We have to figure out a way to get them in the same room so they can work it out. But how? How?
[JACK TAPS THE PARTY INVITATION ON HIS FOREHEAD.]
JACK: Ow! I just got a paper cut on this party invitation for Will and Grace.
KAREN: Focus! We're trying to get them in the same room together. Forget about this party they're both invited to.
[KAREN GRABS THE INVITATION FROM JACK AND PUTS IT ON HER DESK.]
KAREN: Now, what do they both like?
JACK: Well, Will likes to be taller than everybody and Grace likes to eat cake.
KAREN: Where can we take them where there'll be small people eating cake?
[KAREN TAKES A DRINK OF WINE. SHE ACCIDENTALLY SPILLS SOME ON THE INVITATION.]
KAREN: Oh! Shoot, I just spilled on this invitation to a child's birthday party.
KAREN: Hey... Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
JACK: I don't know. Are you thinking what it would be like to have Spiderman spray his web on you?
KAREN: Okay, that's just freaky. Okay, that's crazy.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL is making a sandwich; JACK is talking to him.)
JACK: You sure you don't wanna go to Joe and Larry’s kid's party? You'll tower over people.
WILL: I do like to feel tall. Ah, I don't know. Grace and I already said we weren't going, and besides, I don't think I'd be very good company right now, anyway.
JACK: [SIGHS] Okay... But, uh, when couples split, one person always gets the good friends. So if you don't kiss up to Joe and Larry first, you'll end up like the ex-Ms. Giuliani. He got the two cool gay guys, and all she got was a part in The Vagina Monologues.
WILL: Please. They're not gonna choose Grace over me. They love me. And if that's not enough, Joe got drunk one night and let it slip about his Internet chat buddy. That's my ace in the hole. And that's actually the guy's screen name.
JACK: All right. But don't blame me when the dust settles and Grace is grand marshal at the Gay Pride Parade and you're stuck in Fort Lee doing The 'Gina Monologues.
SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is sitting at her desk while GRACE makes a phone call.)
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Hi, this is Grace Adler. I'd like to take Will Truman off my Video East renter's card. Well, if you must know, he tried to force me to have a baby and give up a chance at true love, and that kinda person shouldn't be able to rent videos. [BEAT] Thank you. [GRACE HANGS UP.]
KAREN: Honey, you're being so spiteful and vindictive.
GRACE: Compliments? This early in the day?
KAREN: [LAUGHS] Oh, honey, you're always the life of the party. Oh, speaking of parties, would you like me to "RSTD" to Moe and Mary? [KAREN HOLDS UP THE PARTY INVITATION.]
GRACE: Uh, I don't know, Karen. I'm really not in the party mood.
KAREN: [ENTICING] There'll be a nice cake.
GRACE: I do like a nice cake.
KAREN: Besides, honey, you need to go over there and make nice with Joe and Larry. You don't want them going over to Will's side. They're gay. They belong to you.
GRACE: I'm not worried about them. I have been a true and loyal friend. Besides, one night, Larry got drunk and let some things slip about his secret Internet chat buddy, so he ain't goin' nowhere.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Okay, honey. Don't blame me if Will is empress of gay America and you're in Fort Lee doing The Vagina Monologues. Okay?
GRACE: What?
KAREN: [SHRUGS] I don't know.
SCENE IV: PlaySpace Indoor Playground for Kids
(WILL and JACK enter the playground. There are kids running all around.)
JACK: Wow. Look at this place, Will. Everyone's screaming and jumping all over each other. Why can't grownups have a place like this?
WILL: We do, Jack. It's known as last call in any gay bar, U.S.A.
JACK: [LAUGHS]
[JOE AND LARRY GREET WILL AND JACK. THEY ALL EXCHANGE HUGS AND KISSES.]
JOE: Hey, guys!
WILL: Hey!
JOE: Thanks for coming.
WILL: Good to see you.
LARRY: How are you?
JACK: Hey, how's the party going? Any cute fathers?
LARRY: Well, actually, there's this one really hot-- [JOE IS GLARING AT LARRY] No.
WILL: Ooh, I got Hannah a little something. [WILL HOLDS UP AN ENVELOPE.]
JOE: Oh, Will, you shouldn't have.
WILL: Don't be silly. You guys are my best friends. Hannah's my goddaughter, and I just mean the world to all of you.
JACK: It's from both of us.
WILL: It's actually kinda cool. I adopted her an endangered panda from The Discovery Store. You get a certificate and a pamphlet about the threat to the environment.
JACK: It's from Will.
LARRY: It's even better than that mile of highway you had cleaned up in her name.
WILL: I just figured, you know, it's better than some garish, flashy gift with a lotta bells and whistles that she's just gonna get tired of in five minutes--
[A BELL RINGS AS GRACE ENTERS CARRYING A BARBIE TRICYLE; KAREN FOLLOWS HER IN.]
GRACE: Whee! Where's the birthday girl? Auntie Grace is here.
GRACE: What are you doing here?
WILL: What are you doing here?
KAREN: Yay! They're in love again! [JACK AND KAREN CLAP]
MOM: I don't mean to interrupt, but is Hannah allowed to cut her own hair?
LARRY: [TO JOE] You gave her a soda!
JOE: It's her birthday!
[LARRY AND JOE EXIT.]
GRACE: You said you weren't coming.
WILL: So did you.
JACK: Ha-ha! Too late! You're friends now.
KAREN: Suckers! Woo-hoo!
JACK: High five!
[JACK AND KAREN HIGH-FIVE EACH OTHER.]
WILL: Why, you-- you two planned this?
GRACE: Just to get us in the same room?
JACK: Not just getting you in the same room, no. But getting you in the same room at the same time!
KAREN: Woo-hoo!
JACK: Low two!
[JACK HOLDS HIS PALMS UP AND KAREN SHAKES HER BREASTS ON THEM.]
JACK AND KAREN [BOTH]: Waaah!
GRACE: Stop it. This is not a joke!
WILL: Why can't you two just mind your own business?
JACK: Wow. Some people.
[KAREN SIGHS.]
JACK: Trick 'em into doing something they don't wanna do and this is the thanks you get?
KAREN: Come on, honey. While we're here, let's go pick on a gay kid.
JACK: Hey, I was that gay k--
KAREN: Shake your skirt, fairy!
GRACE: Well, I guess one of us should leave.
WILL: Yeah, you. Bye-bye.
GRACE: I'm not leaving. I brought a present.
WILL: I brought a present, too. [WILL HOLDS UP HIS ENVELOPE]
GRACE: What is that? Your phone bill?
WILL: It's a panda.
GRACE: Oh, God, not the endangered species thing again? You remember what happened when you gave that to your nephew at Christmas? Where's my panda? Where's my panda? I'll tell you where your panda is, kid-- in China.
WILL: It's educational.
GRACE: It's stupid.
WILL: Like--like a Barbie in a string bikini is such a smart gift. Why don't you just wrap a ribbon around bulimia?
GRACE: A doll cannot cause an eating disorder. Nothing is that black and white.
WILL: A panda is. Besides, I don't need to buy Joe and Larry's friendship with extravagant gifts for their kid.
GRACE: That's not what I'm doing. I'm here because I love Hannah.
WILL: Oh, really? And how old is she today?
GRACE: [PANICKED THINKING, THEN CALMLY] A lady never reveals her age. I'm going to put my present on the table. If you'd like, I'll put your envelope on the table with the savings bonds and the homemade cards. In other words, the suck pile.
WILL: Hey! Hey! Kids love homemade cards.
[WILL TEARS UP THE CARD.]
[JOE IS BENT OVER CLEANING UP A SPILL WITH PAPER TOWELS.]
JOE: Yecch! I hope this is apple juice.
[WILL EXCITEDLY RUNS OVER AND BEGINS HELPING HIM.]
WILL: Let me help you there, Joey. Joe-Joe. Jay-Jiminy-Jee-Joe.
JOE: Look, Will, I would appreciate it if you didn't get high around the kids.
WILL: I'm not high. I'm just joking with you. That's what old friends do. We joke. Except maybe Grace. She'd probably tell you half a knock-knock joke, and then blow you off for some guy on a horse.
JOE: Yeah. How much of that stuff did you smoke? [YELLING TO THE KIDS] Kids, don't eat the balloons! They're poison. [RE: THE MESS] Will, do you mind?
WILL: Nope. No problem, pal. I'm on it. And I'm in it.
[A BOY WALKS UP TO WILL.]
BOY: Where's your kid?
WILL: Where's my kid? Oh, I don't have a kid. Not yet. I'm thinking of adopting, though, which is fine. You know, I'll still be a reliable father. Some people are not reliable. You should know this. Some people think they're reliable, but when push comes to shove, and the pressure's on, they prove themselves to be--what? BOY: Cheese?
WILL: Unreliable.
[GRACE IS TALKING TO LARRY. SHE RUBS HER HANDS ALL OVER HIS ARMS.]
GRACE: Hey, Larry. You look so good. What's-- what's different about you? Except being the handsomest man in the world? [TOUCHING HIS FACE] God, your skin is so soft. [FEELING HIS CHEST] And what is under this shirt? A brick wall?
LARRY: Joe told me that you had some good stuff, but we're off that since Hannah was born.
GRACE: What?
LARRY: Okay, but I don't wanna do too much, because I might freak out when the clown gets here.
GRACE: Oh-- [LAUGHS] No, I'm just touching you in a loving way. Not a controlling way, like Will. You know, Will thinks you're boring. I think everyone is having a really good time.
[JOE PASSES GRACE AND LARRY, YELLING TO THE KIDS.]
JOE: Okay, kids, I'm gonna say this one more time: The balloons are not food! [TO LARRY, ANNOYED] Stay, I'll get it.
LARRY: [SCOFFS] I'm allowed to talk to adults!
[LARRY RUNS AFTER JOE.]
[A LITTLE GIRL COMES UP TO GRACE.]
GIRL: Wanna hold my bunny?
GRACE: I would love to, sweetheart.
[THE LITTLE GIRL GIVES GRACE HER STUFFED BUNNY.]
GIRL: He's my best friend.
GRACE: Well, maybe he is now. But wait. He seems all sweet and cuddly. Meanwhile, he's storing away all these secret resentments. [GRACE BEGINS KNEADING THE BUNNY] And then one day, when you've done absolutely nothing wrong, his hatred will explode! [THE BUNNY'S HEAD RIPS OFF.]
GIRL: Mommy!
[THE GIRL GRABS THE BUNNY'S BODY AND RUNS OFF.]
GRACE: Hey, kid! Heads up.
[GRACE TOSSES THE BUNNY HEAD AFTER THE GIRL.]
[A FACE PAINTER IS PAINTING WHISKERS AND A NOSE ON JACK. KAREN IS SITTING NEXT TO HIM, ALREADY MADE UP IN CAT MAKE-UP.]
JACK: [TO THE PAINTER] Okay, no, not too much base. And I want tabby eyes and Persian lips.
KAREN: Honey, look at Will and Grace. They haven't said a word to each other for over an hour. This plan bites!
JACK: Well, it's better than yours-- Telling those kids those balloons are made of candy.
KAREN: [CHUCKLES] Kids are dumb.
JACK: I know. I ate a balloon, it tastes nothing like candy.
SCENE V: PlaySpace Indoor Playground for Kids
(JOE and LARRY are getting the cake ready. It's a Barbie doll whose dress is the cake.)
LARRY: Okay, we're ready. Go get the kids around the big table, and please make sure the camera has film in it.
JOE: One time. It happened one time. [YELLING TO THE KIDS] Kids, sit down! Cake!
LARRY: [SINGING] Happy--
WILL: Hey, Lar, let me help you with that.
[WILL GRABS HOLD OF THE CAKE TRAY.]
LARRY: No, it's okay. I--I got it.
WILL: No, I want to.
LARRY: [SINGING] Hap--
GRACE: Oh, honey! Oh, Hannah's gonna love this.
LARRY: Oh, thanks, Grace. I found it in the Cookbook for Gay Dummies. [SINGING] Hap--
[THE THREE OF THEM PULL AT THE CAKE TRAY.]
WILL: Just let-- let me take it out--
LARRY: Be careful--
GRACE: No, we've got it covered--
WILL: Grace, Grace--
[THE CAKE TUMBLES TO THE FLOOR. LARRY IS LEFT HOLDING THE DOLL.]
WILL: Larry, I'm so sorry.
GRACE: Here, let me help--
LARRY: Don't touch her. Kids, we're going to the deli next door for birthday knishes.
[THE KIDS CHEER AND RUN OUT. LARRY GLARES AT GRACE AND WILL AS HE FOLLOWS THE KIDS OUT.]
WILL: Nice going, Grace. Our friendship, a kid's birthday party, your over-processed hair. Anything else you wanna destroy this week?
GRACE: I don't know, anything else you wanna blame me for, you big bitch?
WILL: You're a mess. I'm leaving.
GRACE: Don't bother. I'll leave.
WILL: No, no. I'm leaving.
GRACE: I'm already gone.
WILL: Where's the guy with the--
GRACE: Where's my purse?
KAREN: Meow, meow.
[KAREN WAVES GRACE'S PURSE; JACK WAVES WILL'S JACKET.]
WILL: Damn it.
GRACE: Come on.
[WILL AND GRACE CHASE AFTER JACK AND KAREN.]
WILL: We are not playing games here.
GRACE: Give me my purse.
JACK: Want 'em? Go get 'em.
[JACK THROWS WILL'S JACKET INTO THE MOONWALK; KAREN THROWS GRACE'S PURSE INTO THE MOONWALK.]
KAREN: Ha!
[WILL AND GRACE CRAWL INTO THE MOONWALK TO FETCH THEIR ITEMS. JACK ZIPS IT SHUT.]
WILL: Jack, what the hell are you doing?
JACK: It's time you two patched things up.
WILL: Unzip it!
JACK: Will!! This is not the time or the place for your clumsy come-ons! Now talk to her!
GRACE: This is not funny. Let us out now.
WILL: I'm not kidding, Jack.
JACK: I'm not kidding either! You guys' friendship means something to me. It means that maybe we don't have to be alone in the world. That some things do last forever. That a fatty and his enabler can find love.
KAREN: Come on, you're tearing the poor kid up! So either get it together or get it apart. Just get it! Now come on, Jackie. I hear there's some people here with some great dope.
[KAREN AND JACK LEAVE GRACE ALONE IN THE MOONWALK.]
[WILL AND GRACE MOVE AWAY FROM EACH OTHER INTO SEPARATE CORNERS.]
GRACE: Eew. Eew. I think I just stepped in a puddle of throw-up. Throw-up makes me throw up.
WILL: Quit jumping. You're gonna have two puddles.
GRACE: Please look. Is that throw-up?
WILL: Look for yourself! I'm not your vomit-looker. I only look at vomit for my friends, and we are not friends.
GRACE: Fine, then you're gonna have to find yourself another spider-killer.
WILL: I don't need you to kill spiders for me, thank you. I can kill my own damn spiders.
GRACE: What about the one above your head?
[WILL SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL AND TUMBLES TO THE FLOOR.]
GRACE: Quit bouncing.
WILL: You quit bouncing.
GRACE: You quit bouncing!
WILL: You quit bouncing!
GRACE: Man. You really hate me, don't you? [SIGHS] Is this really happening? We just throw away 15 years of friendship over this?
WILL: Don't say "over this" like it was nothing. You screwed me over. I'm planning my life around this. You were gonna have a baby, I was gonna be a dad. And then you just throw it away. Heh. It was so easy for you.
GRACE: Easy? Have you been paying any attention to my life lately? And when has finding someone ever been easy for me?
WILL: That is not the point, Grace. You just met the guy and you picked him over me.
GRACE: I couldn't pick him over you because you are not an option for me. You know, I actually considered walking away from Leo for you. But then I started thinking about what our life would be like. Just you and me and our baby. [SIGHS] And that question hanging over my head.
WILL: What question?
GRACE: Was Leo the right guy for me? I don't know. I don't know if it's gonna work out. But I hope it does. And I'd hope my friend would want that for me, too.
WILL: I'm sorry, Grace, but it's not that easy for me.
GRACE: Why?
WILL: Because it's not.
GRACE: Why?!
WILL: Because I need you more than you need me! Okay? You--you--you-- you got a million options, Grace. You can make a baby with Leo, or Nathan, or any Tom, Dick, and...spermy. But I can't. I need you.
GRACE: Well, I'm sorry, I don't know what to say to that.
WILL: Well, there's nothing you can say. You've made your choice.
GRACE: So, what, that's it? We're done? We're just gonna go our separate ways?
WILL: I guess so.
[GRACE BEGINS CRYING. SHE TURNS AROUND TOWARDS THE DOOR.]
WILL: I hope it works out, too.
GRACE: What?
WILL: I hope it works out between you and Leo.
GRACE: [CRYING] You do?
WILL: Of course I do. I love you, Grace.
GRACE: [CRYING] I love you, too, Will.
[WILL AND GRACE TRY TO MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARD EACH OTHER. THEY STUMBLE AND FINALLY HUG, THEN FALL DOWN.]
[WILL AND GRACE SIT UP, HOLDING EACH OTHER.]
WILL: I'm sorry.
GRACE: I'm sorry.
WILL: No, I'm sorry.
GRACE: I'm sorry. And I think you should still have your baby. There are other options.
WILL: You know what I really want? I wanna do this the old-fashioned way. I wanna meet a guy, fall in love… Quit going to the gym, 'cause I met someone. And then make a baby.
GRACE: Do me a favor?
WILL: Hmm?
GRACE: Check the puddle?
[WILL LOOKS OVER AT THE PUDDLE.]
WILL: It's macaroni and cheese.
GRACE: Oh, thank God.
WILL: That may have been thrown up.
GRACE: Oh, no!
[GRACE BEGINS CRAWLING TOWARDS THE EXIT.]