Episode #4.14
Original Airdate 1/31/2002
Written by Darlene Hunt
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Rosie O'Donnell (Bonnie)
Tom Verica (Danny)
Jennifer Aspen (Sarah)
Maggie Wheeler (Polly)
John Colella (Best Man)
Jim Hanna (Wayne)
Scott Haven (Steve Turner)
Darlene Hunt (Beth)
Greg Vaughan (Cute Guy)
Ralph Litt (Minister)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is reading a tennis magazine when GRACE enters, carrying shopping bags.)
GRACE: Hey, when did you start reading a tennis magazine?
WILL: Since I realized the men wear shorts even in winter. [GROWLING] Rrowwwr! When did I become that guy?
GRACE: Ugh. Barney's was crazy. Ok, what would you do if there was only one size four cashmere camisole, and this woman starts crying, and says she needs it to wear to a funeral? You'd have to give it to her, right?
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: Good... I think I'll use that one again. So, are you packed? We have to leave in like 45 minutes.
WILL: For what?
GRACE: Danny's wedding. It's this weekend.
WILL: What, you were serious about that?
GRACE: Of course! Why wouldn't I be?
WILL: Because why would you want to go to your ex-fiancé's wedding? You didn't show up when you were the bride, why show up now?
GRACE: I have to, I was invited. If I don't go, it'll seem like I'm devastated because he's getting married before me.
WILL: Which you are.
GRACE: Which I am, but if I go as the sexy, independent, carefree, ex-girlfriend in the fabulous cashmere camisole that makes me look booby and rich, then I win.
WILL: So this is just some sort of petty game to show up someone you don't even really care about anyway?
GRACE: Yeah!
WILL: Then I'm on board.
[JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: [QUICKLY] Hey, what's new? Oh, really? that's good, that's great, you guys work hard, you deserve it. What's new with me? Not too much. Looking good, smelling good. If I weren't so busy, I'd date myself!
GRACE: Ok, I've read about this. You're never supposed to wake them.
JACK: What's new with my son Elliot, you ask? [CALLING OUT THE DOOR] Oh, boy!
[ELLIOT ENTERS. HIS HAIR HAS NEW BLOND HIGHLIGHTS.]
ELLIOT: Hey, how you doing? I'll call you, or not.
GRACE: Wow, Elliot, the hair. It's--it's very... Nice day for a white wedding.
ELLIOT: Well, I think it's cool. Chicks seem to like it. Do you like it?
GRACE: I think it's very--
JACK: No, no, no. if you want to know about gay stuff, ask Grace. If you want to know about girl stuff, ask Will. What do you think?
SCENE II: The Church, Rehearsal Dinner
(WILL and GRACE enter the church)
WILL: Grace, I gotta say this feels a little weird. Are you sure we're even invited to the rehearsal dinner?
GRACE: Well, we weren't not invited. Mix in.
DANNY: Gracie! Hey, you're here. I wasn't sure you'd come.
GRACE: Hi. Well, I was the runaway bride. I didn't want to be the runaway guest. Ha ha! I'm so fine with this. Heh heh heh!
DANNY: And Will. I should've guessed you'd be the "plus one."
WILL: Well, that's me. Always a "plus one," never a bride.
DANNY: Oh, speaking of which, I want you guys to meet someone. Honey?
[DANNY'S FIANCEE, SARAH, ENTERS.]
SARAH: Uh-huh?
DANNY: Sweetie, this is Grace and her friend Will. Guys, this is Sarah.
SARAH: Oh, Grace the decorator, right? Yeah, I saw that piece on you in that Architectural Digest thing. You're kind of famous.
GRACE: Oh, heh heh! Let's not forget House & Garden. And World of Interiors. But who's keeping track?
SARAH: [TO WILL] And what do you do, Will?
WILL: I'm a lawyer.
SARAH: Oh, I'm sorry.
[AWKWARD PAUSE.]
DANNY: Well, uh, see you guys.
SARAH: Yeah, bye!
[DANNY AND SARAH EXIT INTO ANOTHER ROOM.]
WILL: God, I hate when people do that. The hear the word "lawyer," and they just shut down. It's like they stop listening at that moment.
GRACE: I'm prettier, right?
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(JACK is talking on the phone when there is a knock on the door.)
JACK: [INTO PHONE] No, no, I'm staying at Will and Grace's. Yeah, they're gone all weekend, mm-hmm. I don't know. I think they're on their honeymoon. Ok, hate you, call me later, bye-bye.
[JACK HANGS UP AND OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S KAREN.]
KAREN: Knock-knock. Anybody homo?
JACK: I am, I am!
KAREN: So, listen, Jackie, Stan and I had this tropical getaway planned for next week, but seeing as how he's in the prison warding off French kisses from a 500-pound fella named Tiny, I've got an extra ticket!
JACK: Jamaica! Oh, my-- Ooh, look at that hot cabana boy. His sarong is so wrong.
KAREN: Oh, it's heaven, honey. They pick you up at the airport and whisk you away in a covered limo. You never once have to look at a local. it's good.
JACK: Oh, wait, I can't go.
KAREN: Wh--?!
JACK: Thursday is career day at Elliot's school, and I only have a week to figure out what I do. I'm thinking Hugh Jackman's body double or Secretary of State.
KAREN: Oh, kids ruin everything! I mean, look at the stitching on this thing, huh? [KAREN OPENS UP HER FUR COAT] You cannot trust a ten-year-old to do a good hidden button. Oh, come on, Jackie.
KAREN: [JAMAICAN ACCENT] Come to the islands, mon. [IMITATING TROPICAL BIRD] Coo-coo!
[KAREN BEGINS DANCING AND MAKING BIRD NOISES IN RHYTHM.]
[JACK JOINS KAREN, BOTH MAKING BIRD NOISES AND DANCING.]
JACK: No, I can't! Stop it! I promised his mother I'd be there.
[KNOCKING AT THE DOOR]
BONNIE: [THROUGH THE DOOR] It's Bonnie, open up.
JACK: Oh, that's her, ok. She really counts on me, you know, looks up to me in a way. And why wouldn't she? She's shorter.
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR.]
BONNIE: Jack McFarland, I'm gonna kick your sorry ass.
SCENE IV: The Church, Rehearsal Dinner
(DANNY, BETH, and his BEST MAN are sitting at the bridal table. GRACE and WILL are sitting at a
table in the back with WAYNE and HOLLY.)
BEST MAN: Come on, grab a chair, let's sit down. We gonna have some toasts. First, we're gonna start with Sarah's college roommate. Everybody... Beth.
[BETH STANDS UP]
BETH: When Sarah and I were freshmen at SUNY Potsdam-- Whoo!
SARAH: Whoo!
BETH: We realized that we share two things... A love of the poetry of Emily Dickinson, and a love of... Chocolate! Ha ha ha ha! It wasn't until...
[CUT TO WILL AND GRACE'S TABLE.]
WAYNE: So this guy who rear-ends me, he's got some ass-faced lawyer. Before I know it, I'm paying his medical bills.
HOLLY: Oh, hi, I'm Holly, this is wayne. I'm manic-depressive and he raises dogs.
GRACE: Nice to meet you. Uh, I'm Grace. I'm an interior designer, and this is my friend Will. He's a--
WILL: Professional tennis player.
BEST MAN: Ok, Sarah's gotten hers. Now let's get somebody up here to give Danny a hard time. Hey, where's his ex-girlfriend? Grace, are you here?
GRACE: Oh, um, no, I didn't prepare anything. Um, just, uh, good luck.
DANNY: Aw, come on, Grace. No one expects you to be funny. Just-- Just wing it.
[GUESTS CLAPPING]
BEST MAN: Yeah, come on, you're the ex. Tell us... feel bad about giving this one up?
GRACE: Oh, God, no! [EVERYONE LAUGHS.] No, no, I mean, he's--he's a great guy, but, come on, I've always thought about having a child, but not as a husband. I'm not saying he's immature, but, um, do most guys need to get a treat when they flush? But, uh, to give him a little credit, I do remember our first Valentine's Day. He gave me the greatest gift, and it only took six to eight weeks to get rid of it. [GRACE SMILES AS EVERYONE LAUGHS.]
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(BONNIE is yelling at JACK about Elliot's hair as KAREN pours herself a drink.)
BONNIE: I mean, what the hell were you thinkin'? I come home from a double shift and I find "Jonny Quest" in my kitchen eating a baloney sandwich.
KAREN: Hey, how about a thank you for taking your kid from bland to blond, huh?
BONNIE: Hmm, let's see... Squeaky, rude, drunk. You must be Karen.
KAREN: Oh, sweet! He faxed you my bio.
BONNIE: Listen, I don't mind Elliot hanging around with you, Jack, but when he comes home with the gay haircut looking all downtown weird--
JACK: [INTERRUPTS BONNIE WITH NONSENSE WORDS] A-pa-ka-buku-shiki! At least his hair says something now. It says "Pow! Bam!"
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey, come on. Before the hairpins start flying, maybe I can help. Now... Roger, is it?
BONNIE: Bonnie.
KAREN: Oh, pretty. Listen, Bonnie, I've got this maid Rosario, been with me forever. Now, I have had her stomach stapled, her teeth fixed, her hair dyed, she's been de-moled, de-clawed, deloused--
BONNIE: What's your point?
KAREN: [SIGNS] Ohh, my point is... I think I may have broken your spirit. How would like to come work for me, ok? Come on!
BONNIE: You know, if there were any justice in the world, there'd be an alligator somewhere carrying you as a hand bag.
KAREN: I like that.
BONNIE: Look, Jack, bottom line, ok? I'm his mother. I make the rules.
JACK: Well, here's a bottom line for your bottom line. I'm his father, and I get to make up some of the rules, too.
KAREN: This is a big news flash for you. You're not his father. I'm his father, and his mother, and until he was eight years old, I was Santa freakin' Claus, all right? You got no rights, Jack. You're just a test tube that I picked up before they threw it away. I'm sick of it. I don't want you seeing my son anymore.
[BONNIE EXITS, SLAMMING THE DOOR.]
KAREN: You know, maybe there is an alligator running around somewhere with me as a handbag. I mean, who knows what they do with my old skin....
SCENE VI: The Church
(WILL and GRACE arrive before the wedding.)
GRACE: Surprised to see you in a suit, Will. I thought you'd be wearing your tennis skirt.
WILL: No one thinks you're funny.
[DANNY'S BEST MAN WALKS IN.]
BEST MAN: [TO GRACE] Hey, you were funny last night. Everybody's still talking about it.
GRACE: Oh, please, this weekend's not about me. Everyone, you said?
BEST MAN: Mm-hmm. [HE WALKS OFF.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] It's all working-- The hair, the clothes, the smile, the vibe...
WILL: The row of poppy seeds in your teeth from the bagel you had this morning.
GRACE: What? Aw, crap.
[GRACE EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM.]
[A CUTE GUY WALKS UP TO WILL.]
GUY: Excuse me, you're the tennis player, right?
WILL: Oh, well, actually, I-- Yes, I am.
[CUT TO GRACE, IN THE BATHROOM. GRACE IS LOOKING IN THE MIRROR PICKING HER TEETH WHEN SARAH WALKS IN, WEARING HER WEDDING GOWN.]
GRACE: Hey.
SARAH: Hey.
GRACE: What are you doing here?
SARAH: I'm just trying to get away from Danny's mother.
GRACE: Oh, yeah. Or as I like to call her, "What the hell are you doing in my apartment?" Um... You know, I probably-- I probably should've said this before. Uh, but, um-- [GRACE SUCKS ON HER TEETH] Um... I'm really glad I'm here. You know, I didn't know about it at first because, you know, my whole history with Danny, but, um, you know, just seeing the two of you... Um... [GRACE SUCKS ON HER TEETH] Seeing how happy you are... It just... It feels like... [GRACE SUCKS ON HER TEETH]
SARAH: Do you need some floss or something?
GRACE: Heh heh! No, no, I think I can-- Just give me one more. [GRACE SUCKS ON HER TEETH] I got it, got it!
SARAH: Well, I am really glad that you came here, too.
GRACE: Really? Thank you.
SARAH: Yeah, I mean, that speech you gave last night?
GRACE: It was good, right?
SARAH: Yeah.
GRACE: I mean, I mean, I did some stand-up in college, so...what was your favorite part?
SARAH: All of it. I mean you, you really have Danny nailed. You know, how he's immature and how he's irresponsible, and it's just really got me thinking--
GRACE: Well, you know, a good comic will do that. You now, just get to the truth, you know.
SARAH: Yeah, I'm calling off the wedding.
GRACE: What?
[SARAH WALKS INTO A STALL AND SHUTS THE DOOR.]
GRACE: [MAKING A SOUR FACE] Ok, when did I eat pineapple?
[CUT TO THE CHURCH FOYER. WILL IS TALKING TO HOLLY, WAYNE, AND THE CUTE GUY ABOUT TENNIS.]
WILL: The toughest person I ever played... Myself. Yeah, when I'm on that court, the only person that can beat me... [IMITATING TENNIS BALL BEING HIT: POP!] is me.
GUY: Did you ever play Steve Turner?
WILL: Steve? I don't-- I don't know if I played Steve. Probably.
GUY: Well, maybe he'll remember. You know he's here, right?
[CUT TO THE BATHROOM. SARAH IS STILL INSIDE THE STALL; GRACE TRIES TO GET HER TO COME OUT.]
GRACE: Come on, Sarah, open the door. You want to marry Danny. You have to marry Danny.
SARAH: Why? You didn't?
[WILL ENTERS THE BATHROOM.]
WILL: Hide me. Everybody's about to find out I'm not a professional tennis player.
GRACE: [WHISPERING] Big deal. Because of my speech, Sarah's decided not to marry Danny.
WILL: So what, your stand-up's now so bad it's breaking up marriages?
GRACE: Why don't you keep your opinion to yourself, Venus? Now get out of here. I gotta convince her to marry him.
WILL: Ok, is there a window in here?
GRACE: Does it smell like there's a window in here?
WILL: Oh, now, Grace--
[GRACE PUSHES WILL OUT OF THE BATHROOM. HOLLY IS OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM.]
HOLLY: There you are, silly, he's here. [YELLING TO STEVE] Steve!
WILL: Yeah, you know what? You know when I said I was a professional tennis player, that was because... You know how you throw the word "professional" around like, like Heather Graham is a "professional" actress?
GUY: Steve, this is Will. He's a professional tennis player, too.
WILL: Well, I was--
STEVE: Sure. Will. From the Davis Cup.
[STEVE HOLDS OUT HIS HAND.]
WILL: Yeah! Yeah, Steve, isn't it? From the Davis Cup?
[WILL SHAKES STEVE'S HAND.]
STEVE: Yeah.
WILL: Yeah, good to see you again. Davis Cup.
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
(JACK is standing against the fireplace, devestated, talking to himself.)
JACK: "When you coming home, son? I don't know when...but we won't get together then, Dad. You know we won't have a good time then." [JACK CRIES]
[KAREN ENTERS.]
KAREN: Hey, honey... I think I've got something that'll make you feel better.
JACK: No, no, Karen. No more sailors who think they're coming over for their physical.
KAREN: [CALLING OUT THE DOOR] Oh, boy...
ELLIOT: [ENTERING] Hey, how you doing? I'll call you, or not.
JACK: Oh, my God, you're back! [TO KAREN] How did you get his mom to agree to this?
KAREN: I didn't.
ELLIOT: I've been kidnapped.
KAREN: Whoops! A-ha ha ha ha!
SCENE VIII: The Church, Women's Bathroom
(SARAH is still in the stall with GRACE trying to talk her out.)
GRACE: Come on, Sarah, you're about to make the most amazing commitment. The only thing I've committed to lately is buying seven more CDs over the next 12 months and even that's giving me a stomachache.
SARAH: Yeah, but all that stuff you said about Danny is true. He's childish, he's immature, he's--
GRACE: I know, but he's a lot of other things, too. He's a good guy. He's a really good guy. Yes, he may not go too deep into things... But maybe that's ok, because he let's me be the crazy one. We can be in this huge crowd, and he makes me feel like I am the only one there. And there was this one time where I cut my hair really short. I looked like the guy in Simply Red. And I felt...so bad. And he came home and he said, "I don't care. You look beautiful, no matter what." [CRYING] That was so sweet.
SCENE IX: Bonnie and Elliot's Apartment
(BONNIE is watching TV.)
[AN AUDIENCE IS CLAPPING ON THE TV PROGRAM. BONNIE SHUTS OFF THE TV.]
BONNIE: Daytime TV sucks.
[ELLIOT ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY JACK AND KAREN.]
BONNIE: Uh, what's going on? Why aren't you at school, why you with him, and why haven't you turned into a bat?
JACK: I had nothing to do with this. Elliot, Karen, I believe you have something you want to say to Bonnie.
ELLIOT: Um, I got out of school early and went over to Jack's.
BONNIE: Elliot, how?
KAREN: [MUTTERING] I signed him out.
JACK: I'm sorry, young lady, you're gonna have to speak up.
KAREN: I signed him out!
BONNIE: You kidnapped my kid?
KAREN: It was his idea!
ELLIOT: You drove!
KAREN: Yeah, well, you're the one who wanted to see Jack!
ELLIOT: Well, you're the one who bribed the attendance lady!
KAREN: Nya-nya-nya!
ELLIOT: Nya-nya-nya!
JACK: All right, stop it, stop it, both of you! Karen, so help me God, I am two seconds away from not giving you a spanking.
BONNIE: Elliot, what were you thinking?
JACK: I wanted to see him. I missed him, mom.
BONNIE: Go to your room.
[JACK STARTS TO WALK TO ELLIOT'S ROOM.]
BONNIE: Not you, him! Go.
KAREN: Good, that kid is trouble.
JACK: And you, go to your limo and think about what you've done.
KAREN: But--
JACK: Limo!
KAREN: Ohh!
[KAREN EXITS AND JACK SHUTS THE DOOR.]
BONNIE: Now, Jack, don't you remember a conversation we had where I said I didn't want you to see my kid, or was the soundtrack of Evita blaring too loud in your head?
JACK: Hey, I wasn't part of any of this, ok? They came to me, and the first thing I did was bring Elliot back here.
BONNIE: Are you wearing blush?
JACK: Ok, the second thing I did... was bring Elliot back here.
BONNIE: Good.
JACK: The point is, he's here, and you'll never have to see me again, so I'm just gonna take my gay self back to my gay apartment, live my gay life, and have a gay old time.
[JACK WALKS TO THE DOOR.]
BONNIE: What are you doing, what is that?
JACK: Oh, come on. The whole thing about the gay haircut. I know what's going on here. The reason you reacted so strongly about the hair is because you have a problem with gay people.
BONNIE: No, I don't.
JACK: Yes, you do.
BONNIE: No, I don't.
JACK: Yes, you do!
BONNIE: I'm gay, Jack.
JACK: No, you're not!
BONNIE: Yes, I am.
JACK: No, you're not!
BONNIE: Yes, I am. I'm gay.
JACK: Prove it! Say something lesbianic.
BONNIE: Home Depot.
JACK: [GASPS] k.d. lang, you are a lesbian!
BONNIE: Ka-pow.
JACK: Why didn't Elliot tell me?
BONNIE: Because Elliot doesn't know.
JACK: You never told him?
BONNIE: No, I never did... And I think maybe that's why I overreacted about the hair. I spent the last 12 years of my life trying to figure out how to tell my son I'm gay, and you walk in and do it with a handshake.
JACK: I really want to be a part of his life, Bonnie.
BONNIE: And you should be, Jack. But you gotta remember somethin', all right? I'm in charge of his hair, I'm in charge of no leather pants, I'm in charge of telling him I'm gay, my way, my time.
JACK: Agreed.
BONNIE: Good.
JACK: Wow. Elliot has two gay parents. That's like... every kid's dream.
BONNIE: Let's hope so. You know... I can see why he likes you.
[BONNIE HOLDS OUT HER HAND FOR JACK TO SHAKE IT. HE PUSHES IT AWAY AND GIVES HER A KISS ON THE CHEEK.]
SCENE VIII: The Church
(WILL is talking with his tennis buddy, STEVE.)
WILL: Listen, um... Thanks for covering for me.
STEVE: No problem.
WILL: So tell me, what's it-- what's it really like to be a professional tennis player?
STEVE: How would I know? I work for the IRS. You ever tried saying that at a party? It's like saying, "hi, I just killed my family."
[STEVE WALKS AWAY.]
[CUT TO THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: [CRYING] And there was one time... When I couldn't get my car started... [SOBBING] And he called AAA, and they started it. I miss Danny! [SOBBING] I loved him so much!
SARAH: Oohh... Poor Grace, shh! Oh, don't worry, you'll be ok. You'll find someone.
GRACE: [CYRING] Not like Danny!
[KNOCK ON DOOR. DANNY PEEKS IN.]
DANNY: Hey, hey, what's the hold up in here? Too many nachos last night?
SARAH: Get out of here! You're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding!
[DANNY CLOSES THE DOOR.]
GRACE: [SNIFFS] Wedding?
SARAH: Yeah. I'm getting married today. Thanks, Grace.
SARAH: [GATHERS UP HER DRESS AND RUNS OUT OF THE BATHROOM.] Unh!
[GRACE PULLS ON THE TOWEL DISPENSER AND BLOWS HER NOSE, PUHT! PUHHT! PUHHHT!]
[LATER.... DURING THE WEDDING CEREMONY...]
MINISTER: ...in holy matrimony...
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO WILL] Look how in love they are. He could be looking into my eyes right now. That could be me up there.
MINISTER: You may kiss the bride.
[DANNY KISSES SARAH AND HE RUNS HIS HAND DOWN HER BACK AND CUPS HER BUTT AND GIVES A THUMBS UP TO HIS BEST MAN.]
GRACE: Oh, my God, let's get the hell outta here. That could be me up there.