Episode #4.11
Original Airdate 12/13/2001
Written by Laura Kightlinger
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Parker Posey (Dorleen)
Larry Sullivan (Robert)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is looking at himself in the mirror. He has a winter coat on and yellow scarf around his neck.)
WILL: Yeah, I'm tough. Tough like yellow cashmere. [WINKS AND CLICKS TONGUE]
[GRACE EXITS FROM HER BEDROOM, WEARING A COAT AND THE SAME YELLOW SCARF.]
GRACE: You're gonna have to change that. Look. We look like a Perry Como special. Besides, this is a woman's scarf.
WILL: It is not! It's unisex.
GRACE: Sweetie, that's what gay men always say when they want to wear women's clothing.
WILL: What difference does it make anyway? We're not going out together.
GRACE: Yeah, uh-huh, we are.
WILL: Nuh-uh, we're not. I've got plans.
GRACE: I know, with your secret lover. I'm coming with.
WILL: I don't have a secret lover.
GRACE: Well, your secret day planner begs to differ.
[GRACE PULLS OUT A LITTLE BOOK FROM BEHIND THE MANTLE.]
WILL: Give--
GRACE: Whoo-hoo! Ha ha! [READING THE PAGES] "Dinner with Robert. Movie with Robert." I think you're seeing someone named Robert!
WILL: Damn it! You cracked my secret code with disguising his real name with his real name.
GRACE: Aha! So you admit he exists.
WILL: His name is Robert. That's all you get.
GRACE: Oh, come on. Why the big mystery? What's wrong with him? Weird lip? Monkey eye?
WILL: It's a new relationship. It's very fragile. It's like in 7th-grade science class, you know, when we had to grow that little bean in a cup?
GRACE: I don't know. I was still trying to grow breasts.
WILL: You'd wait for it to sprout, then you bring it out into the light, and it would grow into a great big bean stalk?
GRACE: So what are you saying, Robert's a giant? He's freakishly tall?
WILL: Are you having your stroke in installments?
GRACE: Then-- Then what are you embarrassed about?
WILL: I'm not embarrassed! He's terrific. We just want to get to know each other better a little before we start meeting the friends.
GRACE: Clubfoot? Little pee-pee? Hamster hands?
WILL: Cut it out! You're not coming.
GRACE: Oh, pooh on you. How are you gonna know if you really like this guy if you don't introduce him to me?
WILL: [SIGHS] All right. Oh, damn, didn't you lock the door?
GRACE: I'll check. Yeah, we're ok.
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS BEGIN TO SHUT.]
WILL: Ooh, sorry. I can't-- I don't know how--
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS SHUT, LEAVING GRACE ALONE IN THE HALLWAY.]
SCENE II: Barney's New York
(KAREN and GRACE are shopping.)
KAREN: Oh, come on, Grace. Why can't we have an office Christmas party?
GRACE: Last year's was a disaster. You got drunk, told me you loved me, and then kissed me in the service elevator.
KAREN: I thought that was Valentine's Day.
GRACE: [SIGHS] No. On Valentine's Day, you got drunk and felt me up in the swatch room.
KAREN: Mmm... Well... I'm a sucker for the holidays.
[JACK WALKS BY.]
GRACE: Hey, Jack!
JACK: Pshh-kuh! pshh-kuh! Pshh! I can't play with you guys right now. My boss Dorleen is tipsy with crazy. Cheese it! Here she comes.
[JACK BOUNCES OVER TO DORLEEN.]
JACK: Hi, Dorleen. You look pretty. You look gorgeous. You look beautiful. That dress is a total booby trap.
DORLEEN: You can't borrow it. [RE: GRACE AND KAREN] Um, are they anybody, or are they just customers?
JACK: Oh, these are customers. This is Karen. She's a rich-pricey-item type. And this is Grace. She's a one-good-basic-and-lots-of-crap type.
DORLEEN: Hi. I've just forgotten your names...and faces.
KAREN: Oh, honey, you just gave me a great idea what to get Rosario for Christmas. A new face. Yeah. I'm gonna call plastic surgeon and see if he can give her cat eyes. Maybe she won't look so weird scratchin' to get in. Ahh...
JACK: Heh heh heh heh! Isn't she great?
DORLEEN: No. Ahh, nothing's great. My window designer Simon threw a sissy fit and took off to Belize. Ugh. Gays. They're just as bad as women.
GRACE: Wait a minute. You need a designer to do a Barney's Christmas window? That's like a dream job.
JACK: Let me handle this before you screw it up. Dorleen, you may not know it, but at this very moment, you are standing in front of one of the best designers on the planet.
GRACE: Oh, well... Maybe top five.
DORLEEN: Who is it?
JACK: Well, isn't it obvious? Me.
GRACE: What?
DORLEEN: Oh, what the hell? I'm desperate, and it's one of the smaller windows on the part of the sidewalk that smells like urine and pretzels. You're hired.
JACK: Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
DORLEEN: Don't. If this window isn't brill, I will go carnival-freak crazy on your ass. I'm serious. I will scratch your eyes out.
JACK: I can't believe this is happening. Is this really happening? Somebody pinch me!
[GRACE PINCHES JACK. HARD.]
JACK: Ow! ow! ow! ow!
SCENE III: A Theater
(There are several ballet dancers. WILL enters and finds his new boyfriend ROBERT.)
WILL: Robert? Hey.
ROBERT: Oh, you weren't actually watching us rehearse, were you? 'Cause in that last section I did a rond-de-jambe when I meant to grand-jeté. It was so embarrassing.
WILL: I know what you mean. I once filet-mignoned when I should have steak-dianed. Speaking of which, are you ready to go to lunch?
ROBERT: Yeah. Let's have something light, ok? Grace is cooking us pot roast tonight.
WILL: Ok, back up. I know nothing of dinner with Grace. You don't even know who Grace is, and you certainly don't want her pot roast. It's like tire tread without the flavor.
ROBERT: Well, I called looking for you, she picked up and invited me over for dinner. Is that a problem?
WILL: Yes! Eh, uh, no. It's just, like... I thought we were doin' the bean thing, you know? We're growing it in a small cup?
ROBERT: Yeah. I never really understood what that was about. I mean, God, what is it? Do I embarrass you?
WILL: N-no. No, of course you-- No.
ROBERT: Well, then, what's the big deal?
WILL: You know what? There is no big deal. You're right. Come to dinner.
ROBERT: Lunch and dinner with you on the same day? Yay!
[ROBERT GRABS WILL'S WAIST AND LIFTS HIM UP.]
WILL: Ooh, hey! Easy! Easy.
SCENE IV: Barney's New York, Inside the Display Window
(JACK shows KAREN the display window he'll be decorating.)
JACK: Here we are. I'm designing a Barney's window. Oh, Karen, I feel so artistic. Gosh, I have so many ideas, I could just pee!
KAREN: Oh, honey, you're a regular Leonardo.
JACK: You know, even with the extra LB's, he's still my favorite actor.
KAREN: And I really think that this window is gonna be your Titanic.
JACK: Thank you, Karen.
KAREN: So what can I do? How can I help? What are we drinking?
JACK: Well... I was thinking you could be my assistant.
KAREN: [GASP] A designer's assistant? Wow! Oh, honey, that-- That's something I've always dreamed of doing.
JACK: Now, hold on, Karen. If you're gonna be my assistant, it's not gonna be all boozing and cruising. Well, maybe just a little bit. Maybe a little bit. Little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Yeah, yeah. But you're also gonna have to coordinate, facilitate, schedulate, ovulate--
KAREN: Ooh! Sounds like we've got a lot to do and not much time to do it in. Say, why don't I help you by taking you to lunch at the Russian Tea Room?
JACK: Genius.
[JACK AND KAREN EXIT.]
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is cooking in the kitchen when WILL enters and slams the door shut.)
GRACE: Ok, before you get mad at me--
WILL: I'm not mad.
GRACE: Of course you are. I found out about your secret lover by reading your secret day planner. I invited him over. I ruined your favorite sweater when I wore it to the gym.
WILL: Not my black V-neck!
GRACE: Stay focused. You're mad at me about Robert. Go with it.
WILL: Grace, it's fine. Once again, your inappropriateness has paved the way for a personal breakthrough.
GRACE: So, really, why didn't you want me to meet Robert? Hunchback? Does he have fins?
WILL: I guess I was just afraid of what you might think. And then I thought, I like him, you're gonna like him. And even if you don't like him, it doesn't matter 'cause I like him.
[LOUD KNOCKING ON THE DOOR.]
GRACE: Good. 'Cause I was starting to think that maybe you were embarrassed by him or something.
WILL: No. What would I have to be embarrassed about?
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR. ROBERT IS STANDING THERE IN FACE MAKE-UP AND HE DOES A LITTLE HOP.]
ROBERT: Hey, Will.
WILL: One second.
[WILL SHUTS THE DOOR IN ROBERT'S FACE.]
GRACE: [TO GRACE] All I'm asking is that you don't judge.
GRACE: I don't judge.
WILL: 'Cause the temptation will be to jump to conclusions.
GRACE: Will, open the door.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR.]
WILL: Robert, this is Grace.
ROBERT: Sorry. I'm doing The Nutcracker, and--
GRACE: Oh! You're a dancer.
WILL: What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(Later. WILL and GRACE are in the kitchen cleaning up. ROBERT--no make-up, still wearing pink leg warmers--has one leg kicked up on the fireplace mantle and is leaning in towards the leg.)
GRACE: Wow. He bends over any farther, there'll be chestnuts roastin' on an open fire. What's he doing?
WILL: He's stretching, Grace. What kind of a question is that? What does it look like he's doing?
GRACE: He looks like he's doing something that would render you unnecessary.
[WILL GIVES GRACE A DIRTY LOOK]
GRACE: Oh, relax. I like him.
WILL: Well, good. I like him, too. You like him. I like him. Everybody likes him. [TO ROBERT] Would you please knock off that stretching, Robert. You're freaking Grace out.
ROBERT: Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to make you guys uncomfortable.
GRACE: You didn't. If anything I'm jealous. If I could do that, it would render a date unnecessary.
ROBERT: Oh! Ha ha ha!
WILL: [TO GRACE] How embarrassing for you.
GRACE: So I repeated the joke. When you discovered "Hold me closer, Tony Danza," you rode that till the wheels fell off.
ROBERT: Grace, you look like you'd be a good dancer.
GRACE: Oh. Oh. Heh heh! Oh, no. I am not blessed with the dance.
ROBERT: Oh, come on. What are you talking about? Everybody's a dancer. Every movement we make is a dance. We just have to find it.
[ROBERT DOES A LITTLE DANCE.]
GRACE: Huh.
WILL: Oy.
ROBERT: Now, take a simple action, like clearing the table.
[ROBERT BENDS OVER AND PICKS UP PLATE, KICKING HIS LEG IN THE AIR. HE THEN PRANCES AND TWIRLS INTO THE KITCHEN AND HANDS THE PLATE TO WILL.]
ROBERT: See? You can find the dance in everything, even clearing a dish.
GRACE: Wow. Well, maybe next you can find the dance in doing my laundry.
ROBERT: [LAUGHING] Oh ho ho!.
WILL: [TO GRACE] No one thinks you're funny.
ROBERT: You know, Will and I have a dance.
GRACE: You do?
WILL: No, we don't.
ROBERT: Yes, we do! Get your cute little butt over here, and let's show Grace the dance I taught you.
[ROBERT PULLS WILL FROM THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: I really don't want to--
GRACE: No, no, no, you have to. I have to see it now. Come on.
ROBERT: You're doing it, mister. And... five, six, seven, eight.
[ROBERT AND WILL BEGIN A SYNCHRONIZED BALLET DANCE. WILL STOPS AFTER A FEW STEPS.]
WILL: Ok, that's fine. That's good. We're done finding the dance. We'll look in the morning when there's more light. [TO GRACE] We may even find your sleeves.
GRACE: That was so--
WILL: I said don't.
ROBERT: Ok. Heh! Will, I gotta go. I guess I'll see you later. Grace, it was great to meet you.
GRACE: It was so great meeting you, Robert.
WILL: I'll walk you out.
ROBERT: Ok.
[WILL EXITS THE APARTMENT WITH ROBERT.]
[GRACE PICKS UP A PLATE AND ATTEMPTS TO MIMIC ROBERT'S DANCE INTO THE KITCHEN. CRASH! SHE TRIPS AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR, BREAKING THE PLATE.]
[WILL ENTERS.]
WILL: You just couldn't help yourself, could you?
GRACE: What?! I already admitted I was a bad dancer!
WILL: You had to pick him apart! You had to ruin it for me!
GRACE: What? What are you talking about? How did I ruin it?
WILL: The minute he walked in the door, you were all like, "Oh, he's a dancer."
GRACE: He is a dancer. I didn't know he was a dancer. When I found out he was a dancer, I said, "Oh, you're a dancer."
WILL: You didn't say, "Oh, you're a dancer." You said--you said, "Oh, you're a dancer."
GRACE: There's no difference.
WILL: Yes, there is! One of them is riddled with judgment. And you know very well, the minute one of us judges the other person's new person, it's over. It's a sick fact, but it's true.
GRACE: "Oh, you're a dancer." "Oh, you're a dancer." I see no difference.
WILL: Every time I look at him, I'll see your face hovering above, going, "Oh, he's a dancer."
GRACE: He is a dancer.
WILL: Oh, wow! Now you are just throwing it in my face!
GRACE: Will, I liked him. Maybe you're the one who has a problem with him. Is that possible... Hecter Projector?
WILL: Don't you try turning this back on me when I am right in the middle of turning it on you. You have never been more wrong, and to prove it to you, I'm going to keep seeing Robert. I may even fall in love with him. We'll move in together. We'll have kids. And through it all, Grace... We will have the dance.
[WILL DANCES HIS WAY INTO HIS BEDROOM.]
SCENE VII: Barney's New York, Inside the Display Window
(DORLEEN enters the display window. JACK is waiting next to an enormous box decorated as a present.)
DORLEEN: This better be important, Jack. I was on the roof chain-smoking.
JACK: Ok, Dorleen, you know how you said you wanted something edgy? Well, hold on to your yellow teeth because here it is. The theme to my Barney's Christmas window is...
[JACK PULLS A CORD AND THE BOX RAISES TO REVEAL KAREN IN A SKIMPY SANTA OUTFIT WITH THIGH-HIGH RED LEATHER BOOTS, STRADDLING A CHAIR, HOLDING A WHIP.]
KAREN: Somebody's been naughty. [KAREN CRACKS A WHIP.]
JACK: Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Dorleen, this is Santa's ho ho ho.
DORLEEN: What?
JACK: It's fabulous, right? Oh, wait! And for reindeer, we're gonna have eight little buff men in boxer briefs on all fours with antlers. Can you see it? Can you see it? Do you bit! Do your bit, Karen.
KAREN: I've been on Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, but not on Blitzen. He likes to watch, ok?! Ha ha ha ha!
JACK: And that's just the beginning. Tomorrow I'm holding a casting session for the three not-so-wise but very hot men. Ok, I'm gonna stop talking now. You go.
DORLEEN: You better be kidding me with this crap. This isn't a window for Barney's New York, New York. This is a window for the Fairies-who-are-going-to-get-their-eyes-scratched-out Store! Now, you have 24 hours to get this right, or not only will I fire you, I will rehire you, pull your hair, and fire you again!
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment Building, The Hallway
(KAREN exits JACK's apartment as GRACE exits her apartment with a bag of garbage.)
KAREN: Oh. hey, honey. Wow, I love your new bag.
GRACE: It's garbage.
KAREN: Thank God you said it. Phew! Ok, listen to me. I need you to do me a favor. I, um, I need you to help Jack out with that window. He's in a real pickle.
GRACE: Jack wanted to do the job. Let him do it.
KAREN: Grace! It's Christmas, for goodness sake. Think about the baby Jesus. Up in that tower lettin' his hair down so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter. Think about that.
GRACE: Where'd you get that from? The Bartender's Bible? Forget it.
KAREN: All right, honey. I can't change your mind, I can see that, but, uh, we're still friends, right? Come on. Let's shake on it.
[GRACE SHAKES KAREN'S HAND AND WHEN SHE PULLS HER HAND AWAY, THERE IS MONEY IN IT.]
GRACE: What is this? Karen, keep your money. Jack's on his own. [GRACE GIVES THE MONEY BACK.]
KAREN: Wow... What are the holidays comin' to when you can't even bribe a friend to help a friend who screwed that friend over?
[KAREN GETS IN THE ELEVATOR AND EXITS.]
[GRACE WALKS TO THE GARBAGE CHUTE.]
[CUT TO INSIDE JACK'S APARTMENT. JACK LIGHTS A SANTA CLAUS CANDLE AND GETS DOWN ON HIS KNEES.]
JACK: Santa, it's Jackie. First of all, I just wanna say I'm sorry about the time when I was 11 and told Timmy Woods that you didn't exist. I was just tryin' to make him cry so I could hug him.
[IN THE HALLWAY, GRACE WALKS BY JACK'S APARTMENT AND NOTICES THAT KAREN LEFT THE DOOR OPEN A BIT. SHE PEEKS IN THE DOORWAY AT JACK...]
JACK: But now I really need your help. This Barney's window, it... It's a disaster. I guess I deserve it for screwin' my friend over. But I'm really scared I'm gonna lose my job, so, Santa, if you help me, I promise I'll never ask for anything ever, ever, ever again, ever. Amen. Love Jack.
[GRACE SHUTS THE DOOR.]
JACK: P.S., um... I know I just said that thing about never asking for anything ever, ever again, but, um, if you're feeling generous, I would like some leather pants, um...hair extensions, and the ability to fly. Heh heh!
[JACK STANDS UP AND BLOWS OUT THE CANDLE.]
SCENE IX: Barney's New York, The Street Outside the Display Window
(DORLEEN and JACK are outside waiting to look at the window.)
DORLEEN: Ok, donkey boy, it's your turn. Let's see your window.
JACK: Um, uh, you know, wouldn't it be better to keep it covered up for a while? I mean, very mysterioso, very curioso, very Rene Russo.
DORLEEN: No.
JACK: But I need more time, please? Please?!
DORLEEN: Quit begging. you're acting like a homeless person. If you don't shut up, I'll throw my hot coffee on you, too. [INTO A TWO-WAY RADIO:] Babs, open window five.
[CUT TO WILL AND ROBERT, WALKING DOWN THE STREET NEAR THE STORE.]
ROBERT: So, did Grace say anything about me?
WILL: She liked you. But you know what? It doesn't matter what she thinks 'cause I like you.
ROBERT: I'm glad. Oh, my God! It's snowing! Oh! oh...
[ROBERT BEGINS PRANCING AROUND CATCHING SNOWFLAKES ON HIS TONGUE.]
ROBERT: I love to catch the flakes on my tongue! They're like God's little appetizers. Look how they flutter to the ground.
WILL: And...we're breakin' up.
[CUT BACK TO THE STORE WINDOW.]
JACK: Ok, just so you know where I was coming from, I call this, "nothing for Christmas." [JACK TURNS AWAY.]
[THE WINDOW CURTAIN OPENS.]
DORLEEN: I love it.
JACK: What? [JACK TURNS AND LOOKS AT THE WINDOW... IT'S BEAUTIFULLY DECORATED, LIGHTED, BATHED IN REDS.]
DORLEEN: It's dark. It's glam. It's sad. It's Christmas.
JACK: Mary-Kate and Ashley, it's beautiful.
DORLEEN: Don't stroke yourself. It's a real turnoff.
[DORLEEN WALKS OFF.]
[GRACE QUIETLY APPROACHES AND STANDS NEXT TO JACK, WHO IS STILL LOOKING AT THE WINDOW, AMAZED.]
GRACE: Nice. You do good work, Jack.
JACK: Thank you. Grace, oh, my God. Oh... I can't take credit for this. We both know that this wasn't me. I don't have the talent or the vision for something this good.
GRACE: You think it's that good?
JACK: It's magnificent.
GRACE: Well, maybe the next time you'll be more willing to ask for some help.
JACK: I did ask for help.
GRACE: No, you didn't.
JACK: Yes, I did. I got down on my knees and everything. I mean, I didn't even think there was a Santa, but...
GRACE: Santa? You think Santa did this?
JACK: Well, I don't know how else to explain it... Do you? [JACK BEGINS TO TEAR UP.]
[JACK SNIFFLES]
GRACE: Nope. Must be Santa.
JACK: Listen, do me a favor. You're the only one who knows about this, so if anyone asks, just tell them I did it, ok?
[JACK SNIFFLES]
GRACE: I promise.
[JACK KISSES GRACE ON THE CHEEK AND WALKS OFF.]
[WILL WALKS UP TO GRACE]
WILL: Hey.
GRACE: Hey! Where's Robert?
WILL: He's gone. He had to go.
GRACE: Thought that might happen.
WILL: Looks like it's just you and me for Christmas this year.
GRACE: Well, we could invite some friends over.
WILL: Grace, we can't sit around in our underwear and cry in front of friends.
GRACE: Why not? We did last year.
WILL: That is one spectacular window, Grace.
[WILL PUTS HIS ARM AROUND GRACE.]
GRACE: Thanks. Jack thinks Santa did it.
WILL: That's my boy. [WILL SNIFFLES.]