Episode #3.21
Original Airdate 5/10/2001
Written by Kari Lizer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Woody Harrelson (Nathan)
Molly Shannon (Val Bassett)
Branden Williams (Scott Sender)
Adam Barr (Guy)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment Building, The Lobby
(WILL has just come home from a date with SCOTT.)
WILL: Well, this is it. Thanks for walking me home. It was fun. You know, I especially liked the part where the waiter asked me how he could get involved with the Big Brothers of America.
SCOTT: Oh, he just said that because you're older than me.
WILL: Yeah, I-- I got that part.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
SCOTT: Um, can I come up?
WILL: I don't know, Scott. My roommate might be home. She's not good with new people. You know, she grew up without... people. Did you ever see Nell? There is... [MUMBLES]
SCOTT: Are you embarassed of me?
WILL: Heh. No. [BEAT] Yes. Look, I have a really good time with you, but you're 23.
SCOTT: And three-quarters.
WILL: See. Just the fact that your age has fractions in it. Look, just... give me a little time to adjust, ok?
SCOTT: Ok. Oh, I brought you some movies from work. They're due back on Thursday. Although, if you brought them in on Friday, I'd waive that late fee. [SCOTT GIVES WILL 2 MOVIES.]
WILL: Heh heh. Yeah, it helps to know people in high places. [WILL GIVES SCOTT A QUICK KISS ON THE LIPS.] Dinner tomorrow.
SCOTT: Dinner tomorrow. And just think, I'll be one day older.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment Building, The Lobby
(GRACE has just come home from a date with NATHAN.)
GRACE: I want to thank you for a very nice evening.
NATHAN: Yeah. So, listen, um... I'm not really sure how to say what I wanna say here, but I wanna be a gentleman about it, so since I paid for dinner, I think it'd be great if we went to your place an you took off your shirt and we got to at least, like, second. And--
GRACE: First of all, you're a pig... And second, you're a child.
NATHAN: Who--
GRACE: You're a child. You are totally inappropriate. You have no self-control.
NATHAN: What are you talking about?
GRACE: At dinner, you went "ptttb" and turned to the table next to us and said, "Can you believe that came out of her?"
[GRACE AND NATHAN EXIT THE ELEVATOR AND MOVE TO GRACE'S APARTMENT DOOR.]
NATHAN: Hey, so, do you have those Breathe-Right strips? 'Cause you look like a snorer to me.
GRACE: Look, you don't have to worry about it 'cause you're not coming in, ever. Besides, my roommate might be home.
NATHAN: Wha-- So, are you embarrassed of me?
GRACE: Of course I am. So, good-bye. Don't call me. Have a nice life.
[NATHEN GETS IN THE ELEVATOR.]
NATHAN: So, tomorrow night?
GRACE: I'll be ready at 7:00.
NATHAN: I'll be here at 8:00.
[THE ELEVATOR CLOSES.]
GRACE: Oh, damn you.
[WILL EXITS HIS APARTMENT WITH A BAG OF GARBAGE AND IS STARTLED BY GRACE.]
WILL: Hey.
GRACE: Hey. Hi.
[WILL AND GRACE BOTH OVERLAP THEIR DIALOG, BOTH RAMBLING ON NERVOUSLY]
WILL: Wh-where you been?
GRACE: What have you been up to?
WILL: Me?
GRACE: Oh, me? Oh, I've had the craziest night...
WILL: I was gonna go to a movie...
GRACE: I was on my way home from work, and I got to Lexington Avenue, and then this cab came out of nowhere...
WILL: We talked about and then about why he was fat, and then by the end of it...
GRACE: I went to the Museum of Modern Art...
WILL: I talked so much, so I didn't even get a chance to see my movie.
GRACE AND WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Good night.
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT TO THEIR BEDROOMS.]
SCENE IV: Jack's Apartment
(A knock on the door. JACK opens the door to find wacky neighbor VAL BASSETT holding a clipboard and a bag.)
VAL: Hi, Jack.
JACK: Hi, Val.
VAL: You look pretty today, Jack.
JACK: Thank you. I was thinking the same thing myself. What's up?
VAL: Well, um, I'm soliciciting donations for a food drive, so if you have any spare canned goods, that would be great.
JACK: Sure, come on in. I think I have some soup and tuna.
VAL: Oh, fantastic!
JACK: Here. [JACK PUTS A CAN OF SOUP AND TUNA INTO VAL'S BAG.]
VAL: Just put it in here. Hey, would you like to come over for dinner later?
JACK: Oh. What you making?
VAL: Um, soup and tuna.
JACK: Ooh. Yeah, rain check. Um, I'm on my way to the theater.
VAL: Oh, yeah? What are you seeing?
JACK: [SCOFFS] No. I don't see. I am seen. Perhaps you've heard of my one-man show, Jack 2001.
VAL: No.
JACK: Formerly Jack 2000.
VAL: No.
JACK: Soon to be Jack 2002.
VAL: No.
JACK: A variation on the acclaimed "Just Jack."
VAL: Oh, "Just Jack!" Yeah. You know what? I meant to see that one, but I was living in my storage space because of the whole Y2K thing, so... But I'd love to see the new one. Are there any tickets available?
JACK: [LAUGHING AND SHAKING HIS HEAD] A-ha-ha-ha-ha! Yes.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment Building, The Elevator
(WILL gets in the elevator. NATHAN is inside, holding a laundry basket.)
NATHAN: Lobby level-- Handbags, cosmetics, women's naughties. Second floor-- Men's naughties, things that begin with "K," teeth. Third floor--
WILL: Are you gonna keep doing that?
NATHAN: No.
WILL: Good. Thanks.
NATHAN: [SOUTHERN ACCENT] We could wrassle?
WILL: I got a better game. Let's see who could be quiet the longest. The one who wins gets a cookie.
NATHAN: Ok. Ready? Go. Wait. No, ready? Go. wait. Ok. Seriously, ready? Go.
NATHAN: [SNEEZES ON WILL] Ah-choo!
WILL: Ohh, God!
NATHAN: Ahh, you talked. I win.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(WILL enters the apartment. GRACE is fixing her hair in the mirror.)
WILL: Hey, Leather Tuscadero. Enh. Look nice. Hot date?
GRACE: Hot? uh... Listen, I-I've been-- I've been meaning to tell you about something, and I don't know why I've waited so long, but--
WILL: Oh, God, my collar is wet! That jerk sneezed on me!
GRACE: Which jerk?
WILL: That loser you got into it with last week, from the laundry room. The one that wears the T-shirt that says, "Your mom's hot."
GRACE: [NERVOUS LAUGH] Oh, yeah. That guy. He's not so bad. You don't think he's kind of charming?
WILL: Yeah, he's real charming, you know, like finding a Band-Aid in your burrito is charming. I'm sorry. You were saying something.
GRACE: Oh. lost it. So, you going out?
WILL: Yeah, later. um... In fact, I wanted to tell you some-- Did you return the videos?
GRACE: Yeah, this morning. You know the guy-- Course, I had to deal with that little snot behind the counter. Assistant manager Scotty Sender. That little twerp charges me that bogus rewind fee every time I go in there. God, I hate 12-year-olds with power.
WILL: [SCOFFS] I'm sure he's not 12, Grace. He's gotta be at least... 23 and 3/4.
GRACE: Well, he's a punk. He should respect his elders. So, who you going out with?
WILL: Nobody. You?
GRACE: Nobody.
WILL AND GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Oh.
WILL AND GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Well, have fun.
SCENE VII: The Cabaret Club
(JACK is performing on stage. KAREN and VAL are in the audience.)
JACK: [SINGING] When you caught between the moon and New York City. [JACK HOLDS UP A PICTURE OF A MOON AND NEW YORK CITY WITH HIS FACE BETWEEN.]
JACK: I'm stuck. I can't get out!
JACK: [SINGING] The best that you can do, the best that you can do is fall in love, two, three, four, off.
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
JACK: Thank you so much. Thank you.
[JACK MOVES OFF STAGE TO KAREN'S TABLE.]
JACK: Wow, Karen, I just totally killed.
KAREN: Well, something died tonight.
JACK: I'm glad you liked it. You know, I think the difference was adding a dramatic reading. Did you enjoy the penis monologues?
KAREN: I don't know, honey. I'm--I'm not a big fan of ventriloquism.
JACK: Constructive criticism. Ok. It's in. I'm assessing it. I'm not hearing it. It's gone. So, you sticking around for the next show?
KAREN: Oh, honey, I would, but I don't want to.
[KAREN EXITS. A MAN WITH A SHAVED HEAD SITS AT VAL'S TABLE.]
VAL: [TO A MAN WHO SAT DOWN AT HER TABLE.] Ooh, you're gonna love this. I've seen every show tonight: the 7:00, the 7:15, and the 7:30. Look. Jack even signed my chest. [VAL SHOWS HIM THE AUTOGRAPH.]
MAN: Can I see it again? [VAL SHOWS HIM THE AUTOGRAPH.]
VAL: Sure.
MAN: Can I see it again? [VAL SHOWS HIM THE AUTOGRAPH.]
VAL: Ok.
MAN: Can I see it again? [VAL SHOWS HIM THE AUTOGRAPH.]
[RAGTIME PIANO PLAYS "BABY FACE" OVER THE NEXT SCENE (NO DIALOG).]
[CUT TO WILL AND SCOTT HAVING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT.]
[KAREN WALKER WALKS PAST THE WINDOW. SHE THEN BACKS UP AND STOPS AT THE WINDOW AND LOOKS IN AND SEES WILL AND SCOTT AND BEGINS LAUGHING AND POINTING AND PRETENDS TO ROCK A BABY IN HER ARMS.]
[CUT BACK TO THE CABARET SHOW.]
MAN: Can I see it again? [VAL SHOWS HIM THE AUTOGRAPH, WHICH SAYS "Jack 2001".]
VAL: Shh. The show's starting. The show's starting.
["THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA" PLAYS]
JACK: [NARRATION] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "Jack 2001: A Space Odyssey." Reaching to Uranus and beyond.
[VAL LAUGHS]
[CUT TO LATER. THE CLUB IS EMPTY, EXCEPT FOR VAL.]
JACK: The best that you can do, cha cha cha, the best that you can do, Chaka Khan, is fall in love. Two, three, four, off. Thank you. Thanks for stickin' round.
VAL: Whoo! Yay! Oh my God, Jack. That was the best show ever. It felt like you were singing only to me.
JACK: Well, for the last seven shows, I was.
VAL: Look, I don't know what to say. I just--I really just wanna... officially thank you for coming into my life. It's just that, well, you're my world now.
JACK: Yeh, about that, um... See, the problem is I live here [HOLDS UP THE PHOTO OF NEW YORK], and I'm thinking you live way up here. [HOLDS UP THE PICTURE OF THE MOON.]
SCENE VIII: Jack's Apartment
(JACK is talking to KAREN about Val.)
KAREN: Are you sure, honey? 'cause I thought I had a stalker once. It turns out it was just Rosario running alongside of the limo, banging on it, 'cause she got her coat caught in the door.
JACK: Yes, Val is totally stalking me.
KAREN: She followed me to the Banana, she followed me to the gym, and last night, I am sitting in the bushes outside Kevin Bacon's apartment, and I see Val watching me through the other bushes across the street!
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment Buildling
(NATHAN is walking GRACE to her apartment door after a date.)
NATHAN: Fun date, huh?
GRACE: Yeah, nothing spells romance like free soft-drink night at the Pig and Whistle.
NATHAN: Did you have onions in your veggie weggie tub?
GRACE: Huh, no.
NATHAN: Good. 'cause I'm going to kiss you like you've never been kissed before.
[NATHAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY ON GRACE'S STOMACH.]
GRACE: Oh! Ha ha ha! Uh, first of all, I have been kissed like that... by my Aunt Honey... And, second of all, you don't tell someone that you're about to kiss them. You sneak up on them when they--
[NATHAN KISSES GRACE.]
GRACE: Yeah, like that. Uh, ok. uh, you're going to go now, and that was absolutely our last date. ok?
NATHAN: I hear you, and I respect your wishes. I think it'd be great if I came in and took a bath.
GRACE: What? No! No. Go home. My roommate--
NATHAN: I'm getting the feeling that you don't want me to meet your friends.
GRACE: It's not just that. It's, uh, you know, I-- I'm feeling like-- And you're like, muh-- And I'm like, uh-uh-- And, you know, it's just, heh-- You know what I'm saying?
NATHAN: Oh, yeah, I know what you're saying. You want my sex.
[NATHEN GETS IN THE ELEVATOR.]
GRACE: Ok, good night.
[KAREN EXITS JACK'S APARTMENT.]
KAREN: Oh, hold the door.
[KAREN RUNS INTO THE ELEVATOR WITH NATHAN.]
GRACE: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Ohh, no!
KAREN: Goin' down?
NATHAN: Wow, you cut right to the chase, don't you?
[BEAT]
KAREN: I like you.
NATHAN: I like you. But I'm off the market. I got this redhead on the ninth floor, who's crazy about me.
KAREN: Redhead? Crazy? [LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
SCENE X: Jack's Apartment
(JACK is getting ready for bed.)
[JACK CRAWLS INTO BED. VAL JUMPS OUT FROM UNDER THE BLANKETS.]
VAL: Surprise!
JACK: [SCREAMS] Aaah! [JACK FALLS OUT OF BED] What the hell are you doing here?
VAL: I live here.
JACK: No, you don't!
VAL: I'm carrying your baby.
JACK: No, you're not!
VAL: You're a musical genius.
JACK: Ok, I'll give you that one. But, Val, you don't--
VAL: Jack, don't you understand? When--when you sing to me... You make me feel special. It's like I'm no longer that sad, angry little girl, running around the schoolyard, stabbing kids with pencils.
JACK: Ok, someone put a little extra crazy powder in the protein shake. Ok, come on. We're going to sit down and have a little talk, all right? Man to whack-job. Now, I thought that it was very flattering when you first started coming to the show--
VAL: I'm wearing your dirty bath water in a vial around my neck.
JACK: Ew, that's enough! Ok! I've had it! All right? So I'm going to tell you what Justin Timberlake, Matt Lauer and Moesha said to me. "Stay away, or I'll call the police!"
VAL: I pretended that your jockstrap was an oxygen mask all day today.
JACK: And time to go, psycho!
VAL: But, Jack, I love you!
JACK: No, I need you to go, Val.
VAL: No! I love you!
JACK: Get out! [JACK TRIES TO PUSH TO THE DOOR.]
VAL: Noooo!
JACK: Crazy lady... Get... out!
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR AND TRIES TO PUSH VAL OUT.]
VAL: I love you. I love you.
JACK: Get out!
VAL: Jack, I love you.
JACK: Get out!
[VAL IS HANGING ONTO THE DOOR FRAME AS JACK TRIES TO PUSH HER OUT.]
VAL: I love you.
JACK: Get out! You're crazy!
[JACK SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.]
SCENE XI: Will's Apartment
(WILL is at the computer trying to connect to the Internet. It's taking forever and he is pacing around eating, cereal out of the box.)
[MODEM GRINDING AND BEEPING]
WILL: Forget it. I might as well just buy a dirty magazine.
GRACE: [ENTERING] Hey.
WILL: Don't you find it unbelievably frustrating when it takes forever to get online?
GRACE: Will, just buy a dirty magazine.
WILL: You don't know me. Oh, Karen called.
GRACE: [NERVOUS] What? Karen called? Did she say anything? What'd she say? Did she say anything? What'd she say?
WILL: She said she's on her way over. She apparently has some great big surprise she wants to share. Maybe she's found a way to freeze-dry evil so that we can drink it when she's not here.
GRACE: So, Karen's coming over now, huh? Shouldn't you leave? Don't you have something to do?
WILL: Like what?
GRACE: Gym?
WILL: Went.
GRACE: Eat?
WILL: Am.
GRACE: Poop?
WILL: Twice.
GRACE: Lucky.
WILL: Grace... What's the matter?
GRACE: Ah... Ok. all right. Listen. Um, you're going to find out anyway as soon as Karen gets here, so... [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] You know the guy from the laundry room that you were talking about-- Nathan?
WILL: Oh, what the--the-- The jerk that sneezed on my neck? Yeah, what's the latest? Is he still throwing lizards down the mail chute, then racing them to the lobby?
GRACE: He is. And I'm dating him.
WILL: [CHOKING ON HIS CEREAL] What?!
GRACE: All right, ok. Look--look--look, before you say anything, I know that there are parts of him that are disgusting and childish and weird, but--but he can also be really sweet and--and charming and romantic, and I know this makes absolutely no sense, and it's probably going nowhere, but there it is. I've been dating sneezy.
WILL: Well... ahem... Since we're sharing, I guess there's something I should tell you.
GRACE: What?
WILL: I'm... I'm hurt you should lie to me.
GRACE: Oh. I'm sorry. I guess-- I don't know. I guess I just felt little embarrassed.
WILL: Well, excuses. It's just that it hurts, that's all.
GRACE: Will, come on. What could I do to make it up to you?
WILL: Oh, it's not a big deal. You know, what am I supposed to say, take out the garbage, do the dishes, and pick up the dry cleaning for a month?
GRACE: Would it make you feel better if I did all that?
WILL: It's a place to start.
KAREN: [ENTERING] Hello, kiddies. Are you ready for your big surprise?
GRACE: It's too late. Will already knows.
KAREN: About the ring?
GRACE: What ring?
KAREN: Honey, do you remember that afternoon that you and I were walking down Fifth Avenue and we saw that beautiful ring in the window of Tiffany's and you said to me, "If only, one day, I could own a ring like that?"
GRACE: Yeah...
KAREN: I bought it for myself! [HOLDS OUT HER HAND TO SHOW OFF THE RING.] Isn't that great?! Whoo!
GRACE: That's your surprise?
KAREN: Yeah. What the hell'd you think it was?
GRACE: I thought you were going to tell Will that I was dating Nathan.
KAREN: The hottie who smells like rope? You know what? Shame on you, Grace. I would think that by now you would know me well enough to know that I am not the kind of person who trades in gossip, and I'm hurt that you think I do.
GRACE: I'm sorry.
KAREN: You know, your business is your business, just the same way it's Will's business that he's dating that mouseketeer from the video store.
[KAREN EXITS.]
GRACE: Whoa. [TO WILL] That what?
WILL: You know, I can pick up the dry cleaning. And--and--and--and I can take out the garbage. T-the dishes are mine, and you know what? Starting next month, I'm going to pay you to live here.
SCENE XII: Will's Apartment
(Later...)
WILL: Something's very wrong if--if we're this embarrassed about our boyfriends, don't you think?
GRACE: I do.
WILL: We shouldn't be seeing these guys, should we?
GRACE: Probably not.
WILL: [SIGHS] I guess I'll go down to the video store and see if can catch Scott at recess.
GRACE: Lucky you. Yours has a job.
WILL: Hmm.
[CUT TO LATER. GRACE IS BREAKING UP WITH NATHAN.]
GRACE: I think it's better if we don't see each other anymore.
NATHAN: If that's what you think.
[CUT TO THE VIDEO STORE.]
SCOTT: If that's what you think.
WILL: I'm sure I'll see you around. [WILL GIVES SCOTT'S HAND A FINAL PAT AND THEN EXITS.]
[CUT BACK TO WILL'S APARTMENT. GRACE GRABS NATHAN AND KISSES HIM.]
GRACE: Damn you.
[GRACE KISSES NATHAN AGAIN AND THEY FALL ONTO THE COUCH.]
SCENE XIII: Jack's Apartment
(JACK is pacing around.)
[KNOCK ON DOOR. JACK OPENS THE DOOR FOR VAL.]
VAL: This has gotta stop, ok? I mean, for the love of pizza, you left me 15 messages already.
JACK: Please, please, come in. Hey, I really missed you at the show tonight, Val. It just-- it just felt empty.
VAL: Oh, really? Well, too bad, because you made your bed, and now I'm not going to lie in it.
JACK: Ok, all right. Well, I'm not going to beg.
VAL: Ok. bye.
JACK: Please, come back. Please, Val!
VAL: Oh, Jack, forget it! You're insane.
JACK: Please. I need to come back!
VAL: Oh, Jack.
JACK: Please, stalk me! Stalk me, Val.
VAL: You're embarrassing yourself. [VAL PUSHES JACK THROUGH THE DOOR.]
JACK: Jack 2001. Jack 2001. Please, come on.
VAL: Jack, you're embarrassing yourself! Jack! [VAL SHUTS THE DOOR ON JACK.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR. VAL OPENS THE DOOR.]
VAL: Oh, sorry.
[VAL EXITS AND JACK ENTERS AND SHUTS THE DOOR.]