Episode #3.20
Original Airdate 5/03/2001
Written by Sally Bradford
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Alex Kapp Horner (Alice Robinson)
Todd Stashwick (Gabe Robinson)
Noel Conlon (Minister)
Patricia Place (Myrtle)
David Doty (Harry)
Christean Middelthon (Man)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is vacuuming...)
[GRACE'S PANTS GET CAUGHT IN THE SUCTION.]
GRACE: Aah! Whooo! Whoooo!
WILL: [ENTERING] You know, you're only gonna make the Dirt Devil jealous.
GRACE: [SIGHS] It's more vacuum action than you've gotten lately.
WILL: Yeah, well, it's only 'cause you hide all the good attachments. Ooh, look! your mom's monthly newsletter.
GRACE: [SIGHS] Amazing. My mother's still afraid of call waiting, but she can put together a monthly mailing with three colors and a Yiddish word jumble.
WILL: Let's see what's on nutsy's mind this month. [READING THE NEWSLETTER] "My husband Martin had his yearly colonoscopy. Don't worry. Clean as a whistle." A whole thing here about Alice Robinson. Do you know her?
GRACE: God, I haven't heard that name in years. You know how every school has that one girl that all the kids make fun of? You know, bad at sports, a little overweight, friends with the lunch ladies?
WILL: I was that girl.
GRACE: Uhh, poor Alice. We did Model U.N. together, and we were Madagascar, and Alice had this speech impediment, so she said, "Madagathcar." The kids just tortured her. They called her "Mrs. Lazy Face". I mean, not me. I was always very nice to her, but, oh, they were just awful.
GRACE: [MIMICS ALICE WITH A LISP] "Hi, my name ith Alith Robinthon."
WILL: Grace.
GRACE: [LISPING] "And I'm the ambathador from Madagathcar."
WILL: Grace--
GRACE: [LISPING] "But you can call me Mrs. Lathy Fathe." [LAUGHS] Was pretty funny. "Madagathcar." "Security counthel." Ha!
WILL: She's dead.
GRACE: [GASPS UNDER BREATH] Ah, thit.
SCENE II: Jack's Apartment
(JACK is pacing, waiting for someone. He is wearing his pajamas and he has a towel wrapped around his head. There is a knock on the door. JACK opens the door for KAREN.)
JACK: Karen! finally you're here. [CLAPS]
KAREN: [SIGHS] Honey, this had better be important. I was home reading to my kids. Ha ha ha! Oh, can you imagine? So what's up, snicker poodle?
JACK: My one man show, Jack 2001... has been nominated for-- Are you ready for this?-- A MAC award. A MAC Award, a MAC Award, did he say MAC Award? Yes, a MAC Award!
KAREN: Oh, my god, a MAC Award?
JACK: Can you believe it? A MAC award!
KAREN: Oh, can you believe it? A MAC award!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
KAREN: Ohh! Oh, wow. Honey, what the hell's a MAC Award?
JACK: Um, only the most prestigious award in all of lower Manhattan non-transgender equity waiver gay cabaret.
KAREN: Well, Jack, that is fantastic. We should celebrate.
JACK: I know. I wish I had some champagne.
KAREN: Yeah. Here you go, sweetie. [KAREN PULLS A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE OUT OF HER FUR COAT.]
JACK: Fantastic. Now all we need is--
KAREN: Yeah. [KAREN PULLS TWO GLASSES OUT OF HER COAT.]
JACK: Listen, Karen, since this award means so much to me and since you had such a big part in the success of Jack 2001, I would be honored if you came as my escort. Aah!
KAREN: Ohh-oh, honey, that is so sweet. No.
JACK: Why?
KAREN: No reason. Listen, why don't you take those twins you've been dating?
JACK: Mmm, we broke up. They were seeing somebody else. Besides, there might be press there, and I don't want to be typecast as gay. My sessuality is my business.
[JACK BEGINS PAINTING HIS NAILS.]
KAREN: Honey, um, the award is for gay cabaret.
JACK: Yeah. Still, you want to keep 'em guessing, you know.
[JACK BLOWS AND FANS HIS FINGERS.]
JACK: [RE: HIS HAIR WRAP] Ugh. This is so tight. Now I know why Evita was such a bitch. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Farrah Fawcett-Majors, I've got it! The truly cool people never show up at the awards show at all. They just send a videotaped acceptance speech from some exotic location where they're making their next movie. That's what I'll do! Yeah. [BEAT] But where am I gonna get a video camera?
KAREN: Here you go, honey. [KAREN PULLS A VIDEO CAMERA OUT OF HER COAT.]
SCENE III: Will's Apartment, Will's Bedroom
(WILL is sleeping. GRACE is leaning over him breathing into his ear.)
WILL: [STARTLED AWAKE] Aaaaah!
GRACE: Aaaaaah!
WILL: What the hell are you doing?
GRACE: I'm trying to wake you up.
WILL: With what, your breath?
GRACE: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know how I told you about Alice Robinson and her--her nickname "Mrs. Lazy Face"?
WILL: You gave her that nickname, didn't you?
GRACE: How did you know?
WILL: I didn't. I'm just trying to move things along. [SIGHS] How did it happen?
GRACE: Well... You know how I'm really good at improv?
WILL: [SIGHS] Go on.
GRACE: [SIGHS] It was the biggest event of the year, the school's stand-up comedy contest.
WILL: Where did you go to school, Don Rickles Junior High?
GRACE: Anyway, this was my big chance to get in with the cool kids. So, I'm on stage, and then, all of a sudden, this kid yells, "Do Alice!" And I knew she wasn't there, so... [SIGHS] I went, "Hi, my name is Alith Robinthson, but you can call me Mrs. Lathy Face." The crowd went wild. I mean, I killed. I mean, I totally killed.
WILL: Wow, that is so wrong. They really thought you were funny?
GRACE: Will, I never said I'm sorry, and now it's too late. Which is why I'm gonna go to Schenectady to her funeral tomorrow and apologize to her dead body. Wanna come?
WILL: Well, gee, that certainly sounds like a good time. [WILL LAYS BACK DOWN.]
GRACE: Please, please, please, Will--
WILL: Grace, get real! Come on. There is no way that Alice was still carrying that around. You know, kids get teased, and they get over it. [WILL LAYS BACK DOWN.]
GRACE: You're probably right. I mean, you got over the kids calling you "Harry Ass Truman".
WILL: Wake me at 6:00.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(KAREN has set up her video camera and is filming JACK.)
KAREN: And... Action!
JACK: [TO HIMSELF] See it, settle, sell it. [TO THE CAMERA] Hi. I'm Jack McFarland. I'd love to be at the MAC Awards this evening, but I can't. You see, I'm on the set of my new movie... [TO KAREN] Karen, maybe this was a bad idea. I mean, this doesn't even look like a movie set.
KAREN: Honey, come on. Just say what I told you.
JACK: Fine. [TO THE CAMERA] I'm on the set of my new movie, "Poorly Decorated Crackhouse."
KAREN: [LAUGHS] Oh... Directing is fun. Ok, keep going. Keep going.
JACK: [TO THE CAMERA] I'd like to congratulate the other nominees. After all the-- [TO KAREN] You know what, Karen? This just isn't working for me. Just doesn't feel right. I mean, I wanna show them I'm sincere, but I haven't gotten that far yet in my acting class. We're still on "Learning how to Listen," which I don't know how to do, so I just open my eyes really wide and nod. [JACK NODS.]
KAREN: Well, I'm going next-door to get the champagne. I wish I'd brought something stronger, but I left it in my other coat.
[KAREN GOES ACROSS THE HALL INTO JACK'S APARTMENT. JACK'S TELEPHONE RINGS.]
JACK'S VOICE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: Hi. It's Jack. I'm out... since 1985. Kisses! [BEEP]
MAN'S VOICE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: Hey, Jack, it's Ted from the MAC Awards. Listen, bad news. There's been a horrible mix-up. Unfortunately, Jack 2001 was not nominated. It's just that there were so many gay cabaret acts with the word "Jack" in them, we got confused. Anyway, our bad. Don't be crushed. Hey, let's get a juice sometime. Esca-lator!
SCENE V: A Mortuary in Schenectady, Alice's Funeral
(GRACE and WILL arrive and are greeted by the MINISTER.)
MINISTER: Welcome. I am so sorry for your loss.
GRACE: Thank you. I actually knew Alice years ago. There's so many things I wish I had the chance to say to her.
MINISTER: Well, I'm sure she knew how you felt about her. [THE MINISTER MOVES ON.]
GRACE: Let's hope not. Oh, my God, there's Gabe.
WILL: Well, hello, Gabe.
GRACE: I remember at school everyone used to say that Alice's best feature was her older brother Gabe. Oh, gosh, he looks so sad.
WILL: Sad... [EXCITEDLY] Oh, my God! He's wearing Prada shoes. He's gay. This is great! And sad. Very, very sad.
GRACE: Will, straight men wear Prada.
WILL: Not in Schenectady.
GRACE: I have to go do this now, Mr. Sensitive.
[GRACE MAKES HER WAY TO THE COFFIN.]
GRACE: [TO THE COFFIN] Hi, Alice. It's me, Grace Adler....
[A WOMAN INTRODUCERS HERSELF TO WILL.]
WOMAN: Hi.
WILL: Hi.
WOMAN: God, you know, my grandmother would be so touched if she saw how many people came out today. I'm Alice Robinson. [WILL AND ALICE SHAKE HANDS.]
WILL: Nice to meet you.
[ALICE MOVES OVER TO STAND WITH HER BROTHER.]
WILL: Oh, Grace...
[A FEW SECONDS LATER. GRACE IS TRYING TO LEAVE.]
GRACE: Come on. Let's get out of here.
WILL: Aren't you going to apologize to Alice?
GRACE: I'll catch her at the next reunion.
WILL: I don't believe you!
GRACE: Will, I am not going to apologize to her now. She's alive. It could be really awkward.
WILL: I can't-- What-- Grace! What happened to making amends? I mean, you owe this not only to Alice, but to yourself to do the right thing.
GRACE: Wow. I didn't... realize you felt so strongly.
WILL: Well, I do. I'm not gonna let you neglect this-- [TO GABE AS HE PASSES BY] Hi-- [BACK TO GRACE] profound moral responsibility.
GRACE: You're unbelievable. You just want me to stay so you could cruise.
WILL: Give me a break. Come on, he's my type! H-he's dark and brooding and miserable...
GRACE: Everyone is. It's a funeral!
WILL: Yeah. Go apologize. He's coming back. [WILL PUSHES GRACE OUT OF THE ROOM]
WILL: Hi.
GABE: Hi. I'm Gabe. [WILL AND GABE SHAKE HANDS]
WILL: I'm Will. I'm so sorry about your grandmother.
GABE: Yeah, it was quite a shock. Well, not really that big of a shock. She was 94 and had a really negative outlook. [GABE BEGINS TO CRY] I'm sorry.
WILL: Oh, hey, it's gonna be ok.
[GABE IS SOBBING AND HE HUGS WILL.]
WILL: You're gonna be ok. We'll get through this together. [WILL HUGS GABE AND RUBS HIS BACK.]
[CUT TO GRACE, WHO HAS FOUND ALICE.]
GRACE: Hi, Alice? It's me, Grace Adler. You probably don't even remember me. We went to Hawthorne Junior High School together a million years ago. Go Cougars. Grr. Ha ha. Um... Anyway, you probably already knew this, but I was the one who started the whole "Mrs. Lazy Face" thing, and... Uh, I'm sorry. Wow. I feel better.
ALICE: You bitch!
GRACE: Excuse me?
ALICE: That nickname followed me through high school, through college, even Harvard Med! Just last week, I had to tell my fiancé to knock it off.
GRACE: But I did--
ALICE: For 20 years, I have been afraid to talk because of my lisp. I've never even seen a single movie with Susan Sarandon or Sissy Spacek. But through it all, I knew that someday I'd be able to look you in the eye and say very clearly, you suck!
[ALICE STORMS OFF.]
GRACE: [TO THE PEOPLE STARING] Well, on the bright side, she probably never had to see anything with Sylvester Stallone. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(KAREN re-enters Will's apartment.)
KAREN: Honey, I have--
JACK: Karen, goody, you're back. Listen. I finally figured out my character. It's a guy who's happy because he won an award. It just came to me. It so works. Let's roll it.
KAREN: Uh, Jack, you need a vacation. Come on. when was the last time you and I took off to Bermuda on the sperm of the moment? Let's go!
JACK: Karen, come on. Let's roll it.
KAREN: I know, but, honey, I just feel like there's a lot of things we could be doing besides making a stupid video--
JACK: Karen! We are doing this. Now, don't make me get all Whitney on your ass. Ok? I'm in my zone. Let's roll it.
KAREN: All right. ok. And... action.
JACK: [TO CAMERA] Hi. I'm Jack McFarland. You know, sometimes I ask myself, why am I in this crazy business of show, anyway? Do I do it for the money? Do I do it for the glory? Do I do it for the himbos who wait at my dressing room door? [LAUGHS] No, no... And yes. But more than anything else, I do it for love, because this is what I love to do.
JACK: [TO KAREN] Oh, my god, Karen. I just realized something. This is, like, the biggest thing that's ever happened to me. Forget the video camera. I'm going to the MAC Awards.
KAREN: Honey, you didn't get nominated.
JACK: What?
KAREN: Somebody called from the MAC awards. Ted... Homosexual. He said that there was some kind of a mix-up, and you didn't even get nominated.
JACK: [SCOFFS] It's ok. It's just a stupid award, anyway.
KAREN: I'm sorry, Jackie.
JACK: C-can you shut the camera off? I just kind of want to be alone right now.
SCENE VII: The Mortuary in Schenectady
(GRACE and WILL are sitting in the church.)
MINISTER: Now, I would like to call up anyone who would like to share a few words.
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO WILL] All right, I got to get out of here. You have exactly ten minutes to make your move on this guy. That'll give me engh time to get over to my mother's, have her tell me I look awful in black, and get back here.
[GRACE STANDS UP TO LEAVE.]
MINISTER: Oh, yes. You, dear, please. You said you wanted to say something.
GRACE: Oh, what-- No, no. That was when I thought she was dead.
MINISTER: No, no. come on. I think you should come down and say something. I insist.
[GRACE RELUCTANTLY GOES TO THE ALTAR PODIUM. WILL GIVES HER A THUMBS UP.]
GRACE: Well... Where to begin. Uh, Alice Robinson was, um... So, here's to you, Mrs. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know. [BEAT] Whoa, whoa, whoa. And now, Alice has... Crossed that bridge over troubled water... And is hopefully feeling groovy... No longer homeward bound--
WILL: [COUGHING] Stop it!
GRACE: Sorry. Ok, um... Alice-- Alice was... Alice was-- She was, um... She was very forgiving. She was not the kind of person who would hold a grudge over some childish... nickname. I mean, we all had those, right? I mean, I had plenty... Like "Gross" Adler. And, um... Gosh, what was that other one?
WILL: Flatsy Patsy.
GRACE: Right. thank you.
WILL: Bigfoot.
GRACE: Ok.
WILL: Mop Top. Uh, Scarlet Pimple.
GRACE: Stop it. My point being that--that I... I know what it feels like to be made fun of, and I know it's not a good feeling. So, if Alice was here today, all I'd really want to say to her is... I'm sorry if I ever hurt her, and wherever she is, I hope she'll forgive me.
MYRTLE: This day is hard for all of us.
WILL: Yes, it is. Is Gabe seeing anyone?
SCENE VIII: Jack's Apartment
(JACK is laying on his couch. KAREN is trying to cheer him up.)
KAREN: Honey, come on. Now, I know not winning that award was a big disappointment, but believe me, in my eyes, you're a winner. Yeah. There's no better mo out there.
JACK: I don't care what you think. I don't care what anybody thinks. Without a MAC award, I'm nothing!
KAREN: [SIGHS] Ok. I thought you might be feeling this way. So, I racked my rack, and then it came to me. I'll get him a cute boy to ease his pain.
JACK: [SITTING UP] Hmm?
KAREN: But then I thought "No--"
JACK: [LAYS BACK DOWN] Mmm.
KAREN: "Jackie's not that shallow." And then I thought, "Hey, diamonds are a girl's best friend. I'll get him jewelry!"
JACK: [SITTING UP] Hmm?
KAREN: But then I thought "No--"
JACK: [LAYS BACK DOWN] Mmm.
KAREN: "Jackie's a lot more complicated than that." And then it hit me. "Nothing takes the sting out of failure like a big, fat check. I'll give him money."
JACK: [SITTING UP] Hmm?
KAREN: But then I thought "No--"
JACK: [LAYS BACK DOWN] Mmm.
KAREN: "My Jackie can't be bought. He's an artist. He has brought joy to fives and tens of people with his cabaret act. That's what's really important to him."
JACK: [SITTING UP] I guess you're right.
KAREN: Ha! I fooled you! [LAUGHS] Check it out, Jackie.
[KAREN OPENS THE DOOR. A HOT GUY ENTERS, CARRYING MONEY AND WEARING A TIARA.]
KAREN: The dude, the diamonds, and the dough. Yeah!
KAREN: [LAUGHING] Honey, you're simple, you're shallow, and you're a common whore. That's why we're soul mates.
[BOTH LAUGHING, JUMPING, AND CLAPPING]
JACK: Oh, Karen. You're my best friend in the whole world.
[LAUGHING]
KAREN: [AS JACK SHOVES HER OUT THE DOOR] Aah!
SCENE IX: The Mortuary in Schenectady, Alice's Funeral
(After the funeral. WILL finds GABE.)
GABE: Thanks for coming, Will.
WILL: Oh, no problem. Uh, listen. I hope this isn't forward or inappropriate, but, you know, we-- I thought we sort of made a connection before, you know, and we had that great hug, and... Can I call you sometime?
GABE: Are you hitting on me at my grandmother's funeral?
WILL: Well, I just--
GABE: Have you no shame? I'm embarrassed for you.
WILL: Well, let's just... [CLEARS THROAT] Let's keep our voices down.
GABE: [TO A PASSER-BY] He's hitting on me.
WILL: Oh, I--I--I--
[CUT TO GRACE AND ALICE]
ALICE: [TO GRACE] Anyway, I really appreciate what you said today. It took a lot of guts to come here and say that.
GRACE: Well, thank you for understanding.
ALICE: Listen, I teach a speech therapy class in the city a couple days a week, and, you know, maybe we could get together and have a drink sometime.
GRACE: I would really love that.
ALICE: Hey, you know, in fact, some of my students are here today. Would you like to meet them?
GRACE: Sure.
ALICE: Ok.
[ALICE LEAVES TO FIND HER STUDENTS. GRACE POURS HERSELF A CUP OF COFFEE.]
MYRTLE: Be careful. that coffee's very hot.
GRACE: [TAKES A DRINK AND BURNS HER TONGUE] Oh, hot, hot!
ALICE: Grace Adler, this is Cindy, this is Jason, and this is Sarah.
GRACE: [LISPING] Hi, Thindy. Hi, Jathon. Hi, Tharah.
ALICE: You bitch!