Episode #3.18
Original Airdate 4/19/2001
Written by Jhoni Marchinko & Tracy Poust & Jon Kinnally
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Tim Bagley (Larry)
Gigi Rice (Heidi)
Marshall Manesh (Mr. Zamir)
Philipp Karner (Rocco)
Jovial Kemp (Mover)
SCENE I: A Cafe
(WILL, GRACE, AND JACK are having lunch.)
GRACE: Jack, eat something. Come on. I bought you this yummy lavender cupcake.
WILL: With rainbow sprinkles-- The color of our flag.
JACK: Thanks, guys, but ever since Rocco dumped me, I can't eat a thing. It's like I'm becoming "manorexic."
GRACE: I know. Breakups are hard, especially after all the time you and Rocco spent together. You know, both days?
JACK: I'll never get over this. Gosh!
WILL: Come on! That's not the Jackie I know. You take a lickin', and you keep on tickin'... So you can keep on lickin'.
JACK: Maybe I should eat a little bit of that cupcake.
GRACE: [CAUGHT EATING THE CUPCAKE] You really shouldn't use food to suppress your pain.
JACK: Yeah. thanks for bein' so supportive, G. Ohh, but right now I just kind of wanna be alone with my thought.
[JACK STANDS UP TO LEAVE.]
JACK: Oh, I should probably help with the check.
[JACK REACHES IN HIS POCKET. HE PULLS OUT A PIECE OF GUM AND THEN EXITS.]
WILL: Ok. so, what sounds better at a party? "I just got back from Bora Bora," or "I just got back from the coast of Australia"? And before you answer, keep in mind that with Australia, there's lots of opportunity for puns on the phrase "down under."
GRACE: What are you talkin' about?
WILL: Joe and Larry and I are goin' on a scuba vacation.
GRACE: How fun! Are you gonna take anyone else? [POINTING TO HERSELF] Hint, hint.
WILL: You mean someone who'd spend a 13-hour plane flight going, "What's that?! What's that noise?! What's that?!"
GRACE: Well, you know, the sound of 50 packets of nuts being opened at the same time sounds a lot like a wing falling off.
WILL: God, I gotta pee like a racehorse. I don't mean a lot. I just mean throwing my mane back and snorting.
[WILL EXITS TO THE BATHROOM. A WOMAN, HEIDI, NOTICES GRACE.]
HEIDI: Grace?
GRACE: [GASPS] Heidi! Oh, my God!
HEIDI: I was just thinking about you.
GRACE: No, you weren't.
HEIDI: No, I wasn't.
GRACE AND HEIDI: [LAUGHING] Ha ha ha!
GRACE: Wow. God, it's been so long. How are you? How's charlie?
HEIDI: Oh, you know, I don't know. We kind of drifted apart. He moved to San Francisco a couple years ago, met a guy at a Pottery Barn, had a glass of chardonnay and poof! Instant couple.
GRACE: What? You guys were best friends. You did everything together. Oh, gosh. I still remember that Halloween when he went as Cindy Crawford and you went as her mole.
HEIDI: Ha ha ha!
GRACE: What happened?
HEIDI: Nothing happened. You know, gay man, straight woman. It's not like we had anything holding us together, you know, like a house or kids. I mean, you must've been through something like that with Will.
GRACE: Uh...no. We're still together. Roommates, havin' fun, doin' stuff. No offense, sweetie, but I know how to keep my gay man.
HEIDI: Ha ha ha! Well, good for you. I guess you and Will are the exception.
GRACE: I guess.
HEIDI: Oh! I have to go. Definitely call me.
[HEIDI AND GRACE HUG.]
GRACE: I will.
HEIDI: No, you won't.
GRACE: No, I won't. Ha ha ha!
HEIDI: Ha ha ha!
[HEIDI EXITS.]
GRACE: [TO THE MAN AT THE COUNTER] Another cupcake.
WILL: Hey.
GRACE: Oh. You just missed Heidi Dauro.
WILL: No way.
GRACE: Yeah. You know, she doesn't talk to Charlie anymore. He just up and moved to San Francisco.
WILL: Well, good for him.
GRACE: Well, why good for him?
WILL: I don't know. What did he have keepin' him here? Ok. Good-bye.
GRACE: Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We haven't filled in the crossword puzzles with dirty answers yet.
WILL: I know, but I want to be early for my scuba class. When I get there late, I get the bad wet suit. You put it on, it makes that "pbbbt" sound, and everybody giggles. Bye.
[WILL EXITS.]
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is sitting on the couch. WILL is in his bedroom fiddling with his scuba gear.)
GRACE: Will, come on. Put the stuff down and come sit with me.
WILL: [OFF-SCREEN] What? Say again.
GRACE: I really need to talk to you.
[WILL EXITS HIS BEDROOM...WEARING FULL SCUBA GEAR.]
GRACE: Ooh! The creature from the hot lagoon.
WILL: Make it quick. I'm sweaty in places I never even knew existed.
GRACE: Ok. the other day I was thinking that you and I have been friends for a... long... time.
[WILL IS PRETENDING TO SWIM.]
GRACE: All right. Ok. Ok. enough. I want to talk to you.
[WILL TAKES OFF THE SCUBA MASK.]
WILL: All right. You know, these things make everything look bigger.
GRACE: Good. You can take it on your next date. Ok. I was thinking that you and I should invest in something together.
WILL: Like what? Your debt?
GRACE: No. Something for the both of us.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WILL: Just tell me what you're thinking.
GRACE: I'm not thinking of anything specific.
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR. THERE ARE TWO MOVERS.]
MOVER: Hi. Where do you want the piano?
GRACE: Over there. [TO WILL] Any thoughts at all?
[THE MOVERS WHEEL IN THE PIANO.]
WILL: Of course. The perfect investment. Matching guys in weight belts.
MOVER: Hey. Guys in rubber suits shouldn't throw stones.
GRACE: Thanks, guys.
[THE MOVERS EXIT.]
WILL: You bought a piano?
GRACE: No. I can't afford a piano. We bought a piano. Ok, ok. Before you freak out, really, between the two of us, it's really not that expensive, and I think it would be really great for us to own something together. I mean, the piano is perfect. In my family, no matter how far away we got from each other or how much we fought, the piano always brought us back together again.
WILL: Yeah. There was one time my family fought and got real far away from each other. We called it the Eighties.
SCENE III: Jack's Appartment
(JACK is showing KAREN the new novel he's been writing.)
JACK: I don't know, Kar. I've never felt a pain quite like this. They tell you to stretch before love. Eh! I didn't listen. But I have found that it helps to throw myself into my writing.
KAREN: You can write?
JACK: [SCOFFS] You know I'm a writer. I completed three short novels by the time I was ten. In fact, my first one, Forbidden Fort From Cushions, received critical acclaim from my nana.
KAREN: Honey, are you wearing base?
JACK: A little bit.
KAREN: Ok.
JACK: So, I've decided to write my relationship with Rocco the way it should have been. I'm turning my pain into art.
KAREN: [READING THE TITLE] To Weep and To Willow, a "Harlequeen" Romance.
JACK: You want me to read you some?
KAREN: You can read?
JACK: A little bit. Here it goes.
JACK: [READING] "Christian awoke with a start. There was Giovanni, looming large-- At least from the side view. His eyes, black as sin and burning with lust, Christian felt his man heat rise within his being. Suddenly, Giovanni seized his mouth, devouring his soul. Their tongues struggled to find each other in a wildly ravishing kiss that ripped through Christian like a bolt of lightning."
KAREN: Cheese and rice, that is so hot!
[KAREN GRABS JACK AND PULLS HIS FACE TO HER BOSOM.]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(GRACE and WILL are seated at the piano. GRACE is trying to sing along to WILL's piano playing.)
GRACE: [SINGING] There are places I re--
[GRACE PAUSES AS WILL STOPS PLAYING TO SEARCH FOR THE CHORD.]
GRACE: [SINGING] --member all my life. Though some have change--
[WILL CAN'T FIND THE NOTES...]
GRACE: [SINGING] changed-- changed-- changed-- changed-- changed.
GRACE: Yeah! All right! That is good! I can't believe what a good piano player you've become in just four or five days.
WILL: Well, I have you to thank for that video, "How to Become a Good Piano Player in Just Four or Five Days."
GRACE: Ha ha ha! oh, this is so fun.
WILL: Yeah. [YAWNING] Gotta go.
GRACE: What? where are you going?
WILL: We got plans. A bunch of us are gonna go see cute guys in their underpants. That's actually the name of the play. What's it about? I don't think we care.
GRACE: So, what? you're just gonna blow me off?
WILL: Ok, look. I didn't say anything Thursday night when you made me skip going to the gym so we could work on our Elton John-Kiki Dee number, and I didn't say anything last night when you kept me up till three a.m. learning the Mikado. By the way, do you have any idea how hard it is to get "three little maids from school are we" out of your head? But tonight, I just want to do something else.
GRACE: But the piano will miss you. [PLAYING NOTES ON THE PIANO] I will miss you, Will...
WILL: You know how sometimes you think something's gonna be really cute, and then it just turns out kind of creepy? Ok. I will see you later.
GRACE: Fine. I don't know why we bought this thing if you weren't gonna play it.
WILL: Grace, what is going-- Are you ok?
GRACE: Yeah. yeah, I'm fine. It's just a little case of "pianis interruptus." No, I'm fine.
WILL: Ok. I'll see you later. [SINGING TO HIMSELF] Three little maids from school are we, filled with the br-- Damn it!
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is alone, reading Jack's novel. The phone is ringing.)
[RING]
KAREN: [READING ALOUD] "Giovanni's fingers tore wildly at the lacings--"
[RING]
KAREN: [READING ALOUD] "of my seafoam green polar fleece."
[RING]
KAREN: [READING ALOUD] "Like some fantastic farm animal--"
[RING]
KAREN: [READING ALOUD] "He grunted and whispered..."
[KAREN CUTS THE PHONE CORD WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS.]
KAREN: [READING ALOUD] "Tonight, my love, you Will see the face of God. Christian closed his eyes and received him hungrily." Lord, this is hot.
[GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: Hey, Kar. do you know if Joseph Aldi happened to call and say what he thought of my design for the breakfast nook?
KAREN: [READING ALOUD] "He shuddered and screamed out, I am reborn!"
GRACE: I knew the marble countertop would be a big splash. Karen, can I ask you something?
KAREN: [NOW READING TO HERSELF/COMMENTING ALOUD] Oh, yeah. Give it to me.
GRACE: Well, Will and I bought this piano together, and for the first couple of days, it was great, but now it seems like he's bored with it.
KAREN: [READING TO HERSELF] Ooh! ouch!
GRACE: I know. Like last night, he just up and walked out in the middle of our sing-along.
KAREN: [READING TO HERSELF] Filthy beast!
GRACE: Well, that's a little strong.
KAREN: [READING TO HERSELF] Give it right back to him. [KAREN CRAWLS ON TOP OF HER DESK.]
GRACE: You know what? I will. You know, he doesn't understand how important this piano is.
KAREN: [READING TO HERSELF] That's it! That's the stuff!
GRACE: If you're gonna bring something into your life, you have to invest some time into it.
KAREN: [READING TO HERSELF] Yes. Heh heh heh!
GRACE: I mean, it's a commitment, and, I mean, that means both people have to be committed to it, right?
KAREN: [READING TO HERSELF] Yes! Yes!
GRACE: I mean, I'm not gonna let him just walk away from this. I'm gonna protect what's important in my life.
KAREN: [READING TO HERSELF] Yes!
GRACE: Yes!
KAREN: Yes!
GRACE: Yes!
KAREN: Yes!!
GRACE: Yes!!
[KAREN LIGHTS UP A CIGARETTE.]
GRACE: Thanks for your support, Karen. I feel better.
KAREN: [FLUSTERED] Oh! Grace. When did you get here?
SCENE VI: Jack's Apartment
(JACK is slowing combing his hair, couting each brush stroke.)
JACK: 97. 98. 99. 100. [BEAT] 1. 2...
KAREN: [ENTERING] Honey, your words are rockin' my world and my pants. Why aren't you typing, you big, merry sissy?
JACK: I don't need to write anymore. Rocco and I are back together.
KAREN: No, Jack, I need these pages. I'm gettin' so many images from this stuff, sex with Stan has gone from "I've got a headache" to "I've got to have it!"
JACK: Sorry, Kar, no can do.
KAREN: But, honey, I've got to know what happens next. I'm addicted to these stories, which is odd, because I don't have an addictive personality.
JACK: Hey, even if I wanted to write something, I couldn't, 'cause I'm happy now. Pain was the coal that fueled the choo-choo of my art.
KAREN: If you weren't with him, I'd have my stories?
JACK: Probably, but I am with him.
KAREN: But if you weren't...
JACK: But I am.
KAREN: But if you weren't...
JACK: But I am.
[BEAT]
KAREN: But if you weren't...
JACK: But I am.
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment Building
(WILL exits the elevator as GRACE exits their apartment to throw away some garbage.)
WILL: [SINGING] "Three little maids from--" Damn it! [TO GRACE] Hey.
GRACE: Hey.
WILL: Listen. About last night. Thanks for understanding. You know, I just needed to be around people.
GRACE: Oh, I know. I was just being selfish. Of course you should see your friends.
WILL: Well, I'm glad you feel that way, 'cause you know I'm goin' out again tonight.
GRACE: Oh, I know. I mean, you gotta have friends, right?
WILL: That's right.
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER THE APARTMENT.]]
GRACE: Hit it!
[JACK, KAREN, LARRY, AND NEIGHBOR MR. ZAMIR ARE HERE. JACK BEGINS PLAYING "FRIENDS" THE PIANO.]
GRACE: [SINGING] 'Cause you gotta have friends. The feeling's oh, so strong.
GRACE: Surprise!
MR. ZAMIR: Surprise!
WILL: Hi, friends, and, uh, Mr. Zamir. [TO GRACE] What's going on?
GRACE: What's going on? You don't have to go out because I brought your friends to you for an old-fashioned piano party.
KAREN: It's kind of like an old-fashioned bore, except it has the words "piano" and "party" in it.
JACK: Ladies and gentle-ladies, I would like to dedicate a song to my Rocco-- The love theme from A Man and a Woman, or as I like to call it, "Two Men."
[JACK BEGINS PLAYING THE PIANO.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] Why did you throw me a piano party when you knew I was going out?
GRACE: 'Cause it's so much more fun. I mean, this way you can bring your friends to the old-fashioned piano party, and, really, Will, everyone loves an old-fashioned piano party.
WILL: Please stop saying "old-fashioned piano party." There's no such thing as an old-fashioned piano party. Just because you keep saying "old-fashioned piano party" doesn't mean it exists!
LARRY: I have to tell you, this is a great old-fashioned piano party. Even better than the ones my mom used to throw.
[WILL GLARES AT LARRY.]
LARRY: Heh heh heh! I'm laughing because I'm uncomfortable, and I don't know why.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Ooh! Ooh! You know what we need to do? Our Captain and Tennille number.
WILL: No. not even if I get to be Tennille. Look. What's the matter with you? You're acting like a nutball. My mistake-- An old-fashioned nutball.
KAREN: [TO ROCCO] Honey, I'm desperate. What's it gonna take to get you to break up with Jack?
ROCCO: Well, I really love him, so... 50 bucks?
KAREN: 50 bucks, huh? Well, I guess my kids won't have their "pay off the bully" money tomorrow, but-- But that's ok, 'cause I'm the bully! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Get out of here. Get out.
[LARRY BEGINS PLAYING THE PIANO]
GRACE AND LARRY: [SINGING] Enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough--
KAREN: [YELLING] That's enough!
GRACE: Ok. Time for root beer floats. That should get Will into the spirit of the old-fashioned piano party.
LARRY: Count me out, Grace. Joe's been very upset with my love-handles, or as he calls them, "I don't want to touch you, Larry."
WILL: Come on, Larry, let's go. It's margarita madness at Crisco Disco.
LARRY: Ooh, that sounds fun.
GRACE: Larry, you and Will aren't going out, are you?
LARRY: No.
WILL: Fine. I'll go alone.
GRACE: Everybody! Will really wants to play the piano, but he's a little shy. Maybe you can give him a little help, ok?
MR. ZAMIR: [CLAPPING] Yeah!
LARRY: [CLAPPING] Yeah!
WILL: No! No! I don't want to play the stupid piano.
MR. ZAMIR: Come on, Will. Your wife went through a lot of trouble. Come on. Play.
WILL: She's not--
[GRACE BRINGS OUT A TRAY OF ROOT BEEF FLOATS.]
GRACE: Ok, everybody, root beer floats. Come and get it. Will?
WILL: No. I'm getting out of here. Where the hell are my keys?
GRACE: What is your problem? Why are you totally bailing out on this piano?
WILL: I'm not! What, do I have to play it every second?
GRACE: Yes, you do. Now, sit your ass on the bench of the piano that we bought together, sip your root beer float, and have some friggin' fun!
JACK: Uh, Grace--
GRACE: What?!
WILL: There they are.
[WILL BENDS DOWN AND AS HE STANDS UP, HE KNOCKS THE TRAY OF ROOT BEER FLOATS AND THEY SPILL ALL OVER THE PIANO.]
GRACE: [GASPING] Aah!
JACK: I was gonna say, "be careful."
GRACE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
MR. ZAMIR: Should we go?
GRACE: Look what you did! You ruined it! You ruined everything!
LARRY: We should go.
[KAREN, LARRY, MR. ZAMIR, AND JACK QUICKLY EXIT.]
WILL: I-- Grace, I'm sorry, but it's just a piano.
GRACE: No, it's not. It's more than that, but you just don't realize it, so just forget it! Just go! Just move to San Francisco and go scuba diving for cute guys in underpants, 'cause obviously, there's just nothing keeping you here!
[THE KEYS PLAY AS GRACE CLEANS THE PIANO.]
WILL: Have you been gargling with bong water?
GRACE: We're drifting apart, Will. People do. It happened to Heidi and Charlie. They don't even talk anymore.
WILL: Oh, my god! Is that what this is all about? Grace, we are always going to be in each other's lives.
GRACE: How do you know that? Huh? Things change. I mean, you're gonna get a boyfriend. I'm gonna get a boyfriend.
WILL: Hopefully not the same boyfriend.
GRACE: We're not a couple. We're not married. We don't have kids. What do we have to keep us together?
WILL: Love. [SINGING AND PLAYING THE PIANO] Love will keep us together.
GRACE: Don't do that. You know, there are a million things that could pull us in a million different directions.
WILL: [SINGING] Think of me, babe, whenever.
GRACE: And then we'll end up talking less and less.
WILL: [SINGING] Some sweet-talkin' guy comes along, singin' a song
GRACE: Don't do this. We're talking about our friendship here.
WILL: [SINGING] Don't mess around. You've just gotta be strong.
GRACE: You know what? Doing this stupid song is not gonna take away my concerns, ok?
WILL: [SINGING] Just stop.
GRACE: Stop!
WILL: [SINGING] 'Cause I really love you. Stop.
GRACE: [WHINING] Stop.
WILL: [SINGING] I've been thinkin' of you.
WILL AND GRACE: [SINGING] Look in my heart and let love keep us together.
WILL: Well, I must say, this is the best old-fashioned piano party I've ever been to. And, you know, this thing is goin' back tomorrow.
GRACE: [PLAYING NOTES] First thing in the morning.
WILL: Yeah. Still creepy.
SCENE VIII: Jack's Apartment
(JACK finds ROCCO alone in his apartment.)
JACK: There you are. Penny for your thoughts.
ROCCO: I'm dumping you.
JACK: What?!
ROCCO: It's just not working.
JACK: Why?
ROCCO: I don't know. Karen didn't tell me why, but it's not. Good night, Jack.
[ROCCO LEAVES AS KAREN POPS IN.]
KAREN: Honey, what's going on? What's happening? Are you ok?
JACK: Karen, Rocco just dumped me.
KAREN: Oh, honey, that's terrible. My heart is cleft in twain. You must be devastated.
[KAREN ENTERS WITH A NOTEBOOK COMPUTER.]
KAREN: Here. Why don't you try writing through your pain. When last we left him, Giovanni was staring at the stable boy and feeling a familiar tightening in his pants. Go.
JACK: I know you made him dump me. What'd you do, pay him 50 bucks?
KAREN: Did he say that? Who are you gonna believe? Me or some street trash I paid 50 bucks to to dump ya?
JACK: I will never forgive you for this, and as for more writing-- Well, you just forget it.
KAREN: How about if I pay you 100 bucks?
[KAREN HOLDS OUT A $100 DOLLAR BILL.]
JACK: You know, that is so low. It hurts that you would try to bribe me. It causes me a lot of pain.
[KAREN MOVES HER HAND AND SHOWS TWO $100 DOLLAR BILLS. JACK SNATCHES THEM.]
JACK: I have no choice but to write through that pain. [JACK SITS AT THE COMPUTER.]