Episode #3.17
Original Airdate 3/29/2001
Written by Jeanette Collins & Mimi Friedman
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Christine Ebersole (Candace Pruitt)
Tom Gallop (Rob)
Jerry Levine (Joe)
Tim Bagley (Larry)
Cyndi Martino (Nurse)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL, GRACE, ROB, LARRY and JOE are playing poker.)
WILL: Down and dirty. Pair of queens starts.
LARRY AND JOE: [TOGETHER] That would be us!
ROB: Ok, that was funny the first 15 times you did it, but now you're just slowing down the game.
LARRY: Sounds like we've got a bitter straight at the table.
GRACE: So tell me, Rob... How was the traffic coming over here?
ROB: Not too bad.
GRACE: [SMUGLY] Ha. You just gave away your hand, my friend. I'm all in. Oh, you are in trouble.
JOE: I call.
ROB: Me, too.
GRACE: Ok, wait. No--no--no--no--no. Wait a minute. wait. You don't get it. See, I'm--I'm all in, which would indicate that I have an unbeatable hand.
ROB: I still call.
GRACE: No, see-- See, that's just stupid. So I'm gonna give you the opportunity to take your bets back.
LARRY: No.
ROB: No.
WILL: Grace, you don't know this, but you have a "tell" when you're bluffing.
GRACE: No, I don't.
WILL: Yeah, you do. You tell everybody you're not bluffing. Show 'em.
ROB: Heh? Oh-ho yes! [SINGING] I gots the money. Oh, I gots the mo-nay.
GRACE: Damn it, now I have to go back to the ATM machine again. All right, I want you guys to wait. I don't want any pokey goin' on around here!
ROB: Buh-bye.
JOE: Be careful!
LARRY: Hurry back!
[DOOR SLAMS]
ROB: I can't play with her anymore.
JOE: I want her out!
LARRY: She makes me violent!
WILL: What?! Why?
ROB: Dude, she sucks. That's as polite as I can put it.
JOE: Yeah, she's obnoxious, she's aggressive, you know, she goes like this when she's thinking: nch-nch-nch-nch-nch-nch.
LARRY: Call me old-fashioned, but I think poker is like cooking or gardening. Women should just stay out of it!
WILL: Look, guys, I admit she's got some annoying habits, but this is Grace! You can't just ask her to leave the game.
ROB: No, but you can.
LARRY: Yeah, Will.
JOE: She's your wife.
SCENE II: A Fifth Avenue Spa, The Sauna
(KAREN is sitting in her robe reading a magazine; another WOMAN is sitting nearby.)
KAREN: [SIGHS] Oh, honey, lemme save you the trouble.
[KAREN STANDS UP AND OPENS UP HER ROBE, EXPOSING HERSELF TO THE WOMAN.]
[THE WOMAN EXITS WITH HER NOSE IN THE AIR.]
[SOCIALITE CANDACE "CANDY" PRUITT ENTERS THE SAUNA.]
CANDY: Karen, love. It's your voice I heard.
KAREN: Oh.
CANDY: I thought someone was strangling an old macaw.
KAREN: Candy! I can't believe you're up and around. I guess even a mad scientist has to hit a wall at some point.
[CANDY AND KAREN BOTH LAUGH HEARTILY, AND AIR-KISS EACH CHEEK.]
KAREN: So, how they hangin', honey?
CANDY: Well, thanks to Dr. kipper, three inches higher. Listen. As much as I'd love to stay here sweatin' with the oldies, I'm getting a little woozy from the booze-y seeping from your enlarged pores.
KAREN: Oh, honey, they're not enlarged. They're just in shock over that hair color.
[CANDY AND KAREN BOTH LAUGH HEARTILY, AND AIR-KISS EACH CHEEK.]
KAREN: Sweet gal.
JACK: [ENTERING] Hi, Kare.
KAREN: Hi.
JACK: Sorry I'm late. I was getting rolled in the mud by a large Greek man.
KAREN: I didn't know the spa offered that.
JACK: It doesn't. Why do I smell plastic burning?
KAREN: Oh, it's Candy Pruitt. [CHUCKLES] That girl does love her cosmetic surgery. Oh... She's gone to Mexico for face-lifts so many times, I'll bet if you whacked her head with a stick, prizes would fall out. I mean, honestly, why can't people just be happy the way they are?
JACK: Oh, I agree.
KAREN: I'm thinking of getting some work done myself.
JACK: Fantastic! what?
KAREN: My shoulders. Oh, honey, they're so 1990, and 2001 is all about the eighties, which is really just the forties with coke.
JACK: I would get some surgery, but I'm practically unapproachable as it is. [JACK LIFTS THE ROBE, EXPOSING HIS LEGS]
KAREN: Honey, look. [KAREN SHOWS JACK THE MAGAZINE] Come on. It's the latest thing-- Permanent shoulder implants. This guy, Dr. Donald Dixon, has perfected a brand new technique. He uses bunny cartilage. [SNICKERS] Not really. That's just what I told the kids.
JACK: Oh, I don't know, Kare, I'd be careful. I once knew this guy who went in for a nose job and couldn't stop, couldn't stop, couldn't stop... Came back a woman.
KAREN: You're right. I should see it on someone else first. I need a guinea pig.
CANDY: [PEEKS IN] Oh, Karen. F.Y.I. Sasha in electrolysis just got a power mower, so she ought to be able to tackle those legs of yours.
[KAREN LAUGHS AND CANDY EXITS.]
KAREN: [GASPS] [TO JACK] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(GRACE exits her bedroom wearing a goofy hat as WILL prepares for the weekly poker game.)
GRACE: I feel good. Been in a bit of a slump lately, but not anymore. I've got my lucky hat on, finally horked up that thing that's been caught in my throat all day.
WILL: Why some guy hasn't snapped you up is beyond me. Listen, Grace, um... [TENSE LAUGH] Ha. You ever wonder what it would be like if--if--if everybody wanted you out of the poker game?
GRACE: Nope.
WILL: Well... This is what it's like. You're out.
GRACE: What?!
WILL: No one can stand playing with you. You're bad, you get taco sauce all over the cards, and at this point you're down so much, you're paying people in turquoise jewelry. And except for Larry, none of us want it.
GRACE: Where is this coming from? You're telling me this five minutes before they get here?
WILL: I tried to tell you all week, but I--I--
GRACE: What?
WILL: I'm afraid of you. Physically. Y-you-- You have oddly powerful upper body strength.
GRACE: This is so unfair! [GRACE HITS WILL ON THE ARM]
WILL: Ow! see?! see?! That's what I'm talking about! You think these little girl hits are cute, but they hurt. Before I met you I could get my arm a lot higher than this. [WILL RAISES HIS ARM]
GRACE: Come on, just give me one more chance. I really want to win my money back.
WILL: You won't win it back, Grace, because you're bad.
GRACE: Tonight I'm gonna be better. I know it. Look, I've been playing with myself and I feel much more confident.
WILL: Funny, it just makes me feel sleepy.
GRACE: Come on. please?
WILL: It's not gonna work this time.
GRACE: Please, please, please--
WILL: No, no, no, no, no. I promised the guys--
GRACE: Please, please, please--
WILL: Ok.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
GRACE: Ok, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go put on my lucky poker bra. [GRACE EXITS TO HER BEDROOM.]
WILL: Or at least a bra.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR, JOE ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY LARRY AND THEN ROB.]
WILL: Hey!
JOE: Hey, Will.
LARRY: Joe gave me this shirt. I hate it.
WILL: Hey.
ROB: Hi. I have been looking forward to this game all week. Finally we get to play a poker game without that annoying--
GRACE: [ENTERING] Ready to play, guys?
ROB: Onion dip.
SCENE IV: The Spa, Massage Room
(CANDY PRUITT is reclining on a chair, with cucumber slices on her eyes. KAREN enters.)
KAREN: Well, well. Candy Pruitt, as I live and drink. You know, honey, you've still got your looks. Where are you keeping them? Ha ha ha ha!
CANDY: Oh, Karen, love, I just had the most marvelous salt scrub.
KAREN: Oh, good for you. You know, there's a question that I've been meaning to ask you that only you can answer. Is 60 sexy?
CANDY: Of course. Don't you remember?
KAREN AND CANDY: Ha ha ha ha ha! [MWAH MWAH]
KAREN: Listen, don't you mind me. I'm just waiting for my very, very favorite shoulder masseur.
JACK: [ENTERING] Good afternoon, ladies. Before you enjoy your facial, I will be giving you a little massage.
JACK: [JACK SNAPS HIS HAND PUTTING ON LATEX GLOVES] Ow!
[JACK AND KAREN SPEAK AS IF THEY ARE READING FROM A PREPARED SCRIPT.]
JACK: How about if I begin with you, stranger?
KAREN: Perfecto.
[JACK BEGINS MASSAGING KAREN'S SHOULDERS.]
JACK: Oh, my. My, my, my.
KAREN: What is it, doctor?
JACK: Well, your shoulders! They're so big and broad.
KAREN: Is that good?
JACK: Well, of course it is. Don't you know it's the year of the shoulder? Big shoulders are in and small shoulders are out, out, out!
KAREN: Is that true?
JACK: Why, absolutely. Well, nothing for me left to do here, ma'am. It was an honor to touch your giant shoulders.
JACK: Let me just get rid of these.
[JACK TAKES THE CUCUMBER SLICES AND PLACES THEM ON CANDY'S BREASTS.]
JACK: Are you ready, Miss Pruitt?
CANDY: Yes, please. But I warn you... If you begin touching me inappropriately, I may have to increase your tip.
JACK: [LAUGHS] Ok, let's begin.
[JACK REACHES FOR CANDY'S SHOULDERS AND FALLS TO THE GROUND.]
JACK: Well, huh. That's just...
[AGAIN, JACK REACHES FOR CANDY'S SHOULDERS AND FALLS TO THE GROUND.]
CANDY: What the hell's going on back there?
JACK: Well, I'm sorry. It's just that-- I can't-- Seems as if there's no shoulder. You go straight from neck to arm.
CANDY: Why, that's absurd. I have perfectly fine shoulders.
JACK: Yeah, if you need to rescue children from wells.
CANDY: Well... They might be a tad petite, but it's not as if I have a handicap.
JACK: No, of course not. Tell me, is it true your other senses are heightened?
CANDY: Oh, my god! What am I going to do?
JACK: Well, you could have the surgery. It's experimental--
KAREN: Don't you do it, Candy! Don't you listen to that shoulder expert! No, no. God made you in his image, and I'm sure he doesn't regret it that much.
CANDY: Oh, I see what you're getting at. You want to keep me a laughingstock... And of all times... In the year of the shoulder.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(Poker night continued.)
ROB: Damn it, Grace! Again?
GRACE: Oh, Rob. Don't feel bad. It's a game! You just as easily could have won that hand. [GRACE PUTS HER HAND ON HER FORHEAD IN THE SHAPE OF AN "L".]
ROB: I think I need a little air. I seem to have a headache from the apple-cinnamon candle...or something! [ROB EXITS TO THE BALCONY]
LARRY: I'm feeling resentful, and it's coursing through me like poison! [LARRY EXITS TO THE BATHROOM]
JOE: It's gonna be a fun ride home for me. All right. I gotta go call the sitter. [JOE EXITS TO THE BEDROOM]
WILL: [TO GRACE] You're doing very well.
GRACE: I know! Isn't it great?
WILL: I can't believe how good you've gotten-- Smart bets, calling everybody's bluff. I just can't imagine how you're doing it.
GRACE: I'm cheating!
WILL: You're cheating?!
GRACE: Yeah! Isn't this great? Ha ha ha ha!
WILL: No! cheating is wrong! That's why they call it cheating. What, are you from Florida? I'm telling them.
GRACE: No!
WILL: Oh, yeah!
GRACE: No, no, don't, don't, please! You don't understand. You know the jewelry I lost last week? I really have to get it back.
WILL: You don't even like turquoise jewelry!
GRACE: No, I don't. But I like what it symbolizes...
WILL: What? Getting all dolled up for a Jimmy Buffett concert?
GRACE: All right, forget it. Forget it.
WILL: Forget what?
GRACE: No, you're joking. Just forget it.
WILL: [SIGHS] Tell me.
GRACE: Ok. That jewelry... was the last thing... given to my grandmother by her best friend Ruth. They came over on the boat together from Russia. Whenever one would get up, the other one would save her seat. They were best friends. 15 years ago, Ruth got very sick, and my grandmother flew to Chicago to see her, but she was in and out of consciousness. She hadn't spoken for days. When my grandmother was alone with Ruth... She leaned in... and she whispered, "I love you, Ruth. Do you love me?" And Ruth opened her eyes and said... "More than I ever imagined I could. Good-bye, my dear friend. I'll save you a seat."
WILL: [VOICE BREAKS] We gotta get that jewelry back.
SCENE VI: The Hospital
(KAREN and JACK in the waiting room, waiting for CANDY to get out of surgery.)
KAREN: Isn't it exciting? Soon they'll be wheeling out a beautiful, bouncing new pair of shoulders full of life and promise.
KAREN: Aw... It's like childbirth, except without the unpleasant child afterward.
[JACK TAKES A BALLOON AND BREATHES IN SOME OF THE HELIUM.]
JACK: [CARTOON VOICE, SINGING] I don't want no scrubs, a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me, hangin' out the passenger--
KAREN: Oh, hey, come on, let me try! Gimme that! Gimme that! Gimme that! Ha ha! I love it! I love it!
[KAREN BREATHS IN SOME HELIUM FROM THE BALLOOON.]
KAREN: [IN HER NORMAL VOICE] Hi, my name is Karen Walker. How do I sound? How do I sound?!
JACK: Oh, my god, that voice is ridiculous!
[KAREN AND JACK LAUGH THEMSELVES SILLY, AND COLLAPSE ON THE COUCH.]
KAREN: Oh... Hospitals are fun. Honey... Does it seem like this is taking an awfully long time?
JACK: It has been a while. You know... Once I saw on Dateline that this guy went in for a fungus under his fingernail and he came back with no limbs. Luckily, he was ugly, so it wasn't that sad.
KAREN: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Jack... I just got a flash! [GASPS] Something bad has happened to Candace!
JACK: How do you know?
KAREN: Honey, you know I'm a little psychic. Remember when I predicted that Driver was gonna lose his job, and then two days later I fired him?
JACK: My God, you're right. And that time you predicted that Rosario was gonna fall, and then you pushed her down the stairs.
KAREN: Yeah.
JACK: You're scaring me, Karen. It's like you have ESPN.
KAREN: What if something bad has happened to Candace? What if she's dead and it's all my fault?
JACK: [HELIUM VOICE] Sounds like somebody needs a back rub on her front.
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
(Poker night continued.)
GRACE: Ok, deal's to me. Everyone ante.
LARRY: I'm outta cash. Does anyone know how much this turquoise earring was worth?
WILL: More than you know, Larry. More than you know.
GRACE: Will, we really don't need to get into that right now.
WILL: Just-- It's such an incredible story. I mean-- Well, if you guys knew where that jewelry came from...
JOE: Well, I do know. I was with Grace when she bought it off the transvestite dressed as June Carter Cash.
WILL: What?
JOE: Yeah. he was selling it to raise money for his "grand ole opy-ration."
WILL: Huh. Little different from the way I heard it. Grace, can I see you outside?
GRACE: Nope. I'm still playing. [BEGINS DEALING] Ok, everyone, the game's anaconda. You're gonna take three cards and you're gonna pass them to--
[WILL PULLS GRACE UP OUT OF HER CHAIR.]
GRACE: Ok, ok. Will, come on, we're still playing!
WILL: Yeah, well, I'm sure they'll save you a seat!
[WILL PULLS GRACE OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
GRACE: Ok. ok, ok. I know you're upset. I should have told you that my grandmother was a transvestite.
WILL: You are unbelievable!
GRACE: Oh, what's so unbelievable? I was cheating. Is it such a big leap to lying?
WILL: Invoking the memory of your dead grandmother? You want to avoid the holdup in purgatory and take the express train to hell?
GRACE: Ok. you're upset. I understand. I've been taking your money, too. So I'll tell you what. We get back in there... Throw ya a bone.
WILL: I'm telling them.
GRACE: No, you do, and I'll tell them you're in on it!
WILL: You wouldn't!
GRACE: Wouldn't I? What haven't I done tonight?
[GRACE GOES BACK INTO THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE VIII: The Hospital
(KAREN and JACK are looking for CANDY. They find her room, which is empty except for a NURSE straightening up the bed.)
KAREN: Nurse, uh, we were looking for Miss Pruitt.
NURSE: Oh, I'm sorry. She's gone. But don't worry. She's in a much better place now. [THE NURSE EXITS.]
KAREN: [GASPS] Oh, my God! she's dead! And for what? Just so I could fill out the new Versace strapless.
JACK: You know what would go great with that is the Jimmy Choo slingback.
KAREN: Already got 'em. Oh, God, I hate myself! [KAREN STEADIES HERSELF ON THE BED] Can the salesgirls at Barney's be right? Am I a bad person?
CANDY: [ENTERING] I could answer that.
[KAREN GASPS. CANDY IS ALIVE...AND NOW HAS HUGE SHOULDERS.]
CANDY: Yes, you are.
KAREN: You're ok! But I thought--
CANDY: You thought wrong. They had me in this room, but my new shoulders were too broad for the bed.
KAREN: Oh!
JACK: They are magnificent!
KAREN: Oh...
CANDY: Aren't they? And they're the very last pair.
KAREN: Whaddaya talkin'?
CANDY: That's right, sugar. You're gonna have to settle for last year's shoulders. So the joke, it seems... [POINTS AND WINKS] is on you.
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(GRACE comes back from the bathroom and sits down at the poker table.)
GRACE: Ok. sorry, guys, I just wanted to get rid of the nacho cheese breath. Ooh! [EATS A CHIP] Cool ranch...
ROB: I bet 50.
WILL: See your 50... Raise ya 50.
JOE: Ooh. 100, huh? I'm out.
WILL: What's it gonna be, Rob? Biggest pot of the night. You in, you out?
ROB: Thinking. I'm out.
WILL: Yesss! How does the song go, Rob? [SINGING] I got the mo-nay, I got the mo-nay.
ROB: So what'd you have?
WILL: I'm not gonna tell you.
ROB: Come on, man. What'd you have?
WILL: Forget it.
[ROB GRABS FOR WILL'S CARDS]
WILL: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
ROB: A pair of 3s? What is this?
WILL: It's called good card playing.
ROB: You looked at my hand.
WILL: I wouldn't look at your hand, Rob. I know where it's been.
ROB: Yeah, you did. You been losing all night. Suddenly it's the biggest pot, and you win? You cheated.
WILL: Excuse me. I don't cheat!
GRACE: Come on, guys. It's just a friendly poker game. I mean, what kinda person's gonna cheat?
LARRY: I don't know, Grace. I've never seen him bluff before.
JOE: All right, all right. Come on, Will. Let's just have a do-over.
WILL: A do-- What is this, Montessori school? I won this hand!
ROB: Yeah, by cheating. I'm taking my chips back.
[ROB GRABS FOR HIS CHIPS AS WILL TRIES TO SCOOP THEM UP]
WILL: You're not. They're mine! Hey, hey!
ROB: Those are mine! Let go! Gimme my chips!
WILL: You want the chips, Rob? Take 'em!
[WILL GRABS THE TABLE AND TIPS IT OVER.]
ROB: What the hell's wrong with you?!
[ROB GRABS WILL AND GRACE JUMPS IN BETWEEN TO STOP THEM.]
GRACE: Hey! stop it! Stop it! It was me! It's me! I'm the cheater! I could see all your cards, and Will told me to stop, but I couldn't, 'cause I have a real problem losing. I'll cheat and I'll lie. I don't know... Maybe it's from spending three years wearing a scoliosis brace.
WILL: Grace.
GRACE: Ok, that was a lie, too. I am so sorry. And I will never play poker with you guys ever again. Say whatever you want about me. I know I'm horrible.
ROB: That was great! You were so convincing!
[THE GUYS CONGRATULATE THEMSELVES AND HAVE A GROUP HUG, PATTING THEMSELVES ON THE BACK. GRACE SITS THERE SHOCKED, WITH HER JAW HANGING OPEN.]
ROB: Unbelievable!
WILL: Huh?!
ROB: Oh, the table was beautiful.
WILL: I don't know-- I just went with it!
LARRY: We're gonna get going. We'll see you next week.
[LARRY, JOE, AND ROB EXIT.]
GRACE: What... You-- Wh--?
WILL: Grace, you should know better. In this house, a queen beats a straight every time.