Episode #3.15 (Part I)
Original Airdate 2/22/2001 (7/12/2001)
Written by Alex Herschlag
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Sydney Pollack (George Truman)
Lesley Ann Warren (Tina)
Joel McHale (Ian)
Christopher Delisle (Dan)
Dirk Shafer (Blaze)
David Costabile (Man)
Sara Van Horn (Woman)
SCENE I: A Corner Cafe
(JACK, GRACE, and KAREN are sitting at a table waiting for WILL to arrive.)
[JACK WHISTLES TO A MAN ACROSS THE ROOM AND MOTIONS FOR HIM TO COME OVER.]
[JACK WHISTLES AGAIN, THEN WAGS HIS TONGUE.]
GRACE: [TO JACK] You know, a baboon has a more subtle mating ritual than you do.
JACK: Yeah, well, baboons can afford to be subtle. They got those bright red behinds to work with.
KAREN: [TAKING A DRINK OF HER ORANGE JUICE] Oh!
GRACE: [TAKING A DRINK OF HER ORANGE JUICE] Oh, God.
[KAREN AND GRACE EXCHANGE ORANGE JUICE GLASSES.]
KAREN: Good lord! Honey, how can you drink straight orange juice first thing in the morning?
[ONE OF THE MEN JACK IS MAKING GESTURES TO COMES OVER.]
MAN: [TO JACK] Excuse me. Can you stop hitting on me? I'm sitting with my boyfriend.
JACK: Oh, I am so sorry. Didn't mean to give you the wrong impression. I wasn't hitting on you. I was hitting on your boyfriend.
MAN: You're unbelievable. [HE WALKS AWAY.]
JACK: I know. Tell him that.
GRACE: [TO JACK] And I thought you were crude when you told the waiter that your baloney had a first name.
WILL: [ENTERING] Good morning, ladies. And Karen.
JACK: Hey, Will, you look fantastic.
WILL: I have no extra cash.
JACK: Your teeth are yellow.
KAREN: [TO THE WOMAN AT THE NEXT TABLE] Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to have a breath mint, would you?
WOMAN: Actually, I do. It's in my purse.
KAREN: Well, pop it! It's not doing you any good in there!
WOMAN: How offensive!
KAREN: Honey, it's your breath, not mine.
GRACE: [TO WOMAN] Forgive her. She has a heart condition. She doesn't have one.
WILL: Ooh! Hey, I just got off the phone with my dad. He's coming to town on business for a few days. So I thought we could all have dinner Friday night.
JACK: I'm busy Friday.
WILL: How's Friday?
JACK: It's good.
WILL: Good. Oh, um... Grace, keep Sunday and Monday open.
GRACE: Okey-dokey, artie-chokey.
WILL: And never say that again. And Karen, my dad would really like to meet you. It would mean so much to me if you'd join us.
KAREN: Honey, that is so sweet. No.
WILL: Works every time.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL, JACK, AND GRACE are playing a game of Taboo. GEORGE TRUMAN is in Grace's bathroom.)
WILL: Ok, here's your Taboo card, I've got the Taboo buzzer, let's play Taboo. And... Go!
GRACE: Ok, it's a device--
JACK: Alarm clock! Ironing board! Bull whip! Whipped cream! Celine Dion! Dionne Warwick!
GRACE: Damn it, will you let me give a clue, woman? It's a device which cooks--
[WILL BUZZES THE BUZZER.]
GRACE: What?!
WILL: Can't say "cooks." Cooks is on the Taboo card. It is therefore taboo.
GRACE: Damn it! It's impossible to guess this word without using any of these clues.
WILL: [TO JACK] You use mine to dry your gym socks.
JACK: Microwave!
WILL: Ding.
JACK: [TO GRACE] The problem with you, Grace, is you're using only the left side of your brain.
WILL: Yes, can't you be more like Jack and use neither side?
JACK: Thank you.
WILL: [YELLING TOWARDS THE BATHROOM] Dad! Come on it's our turn!
GEORGE: Hey, congratulate me, will ya? I just got off the scale. I lost 7 pounds.
WILL: W-w-were you using Grace's scale?
GEORGE: Yeah.
WILL: Ooh, then you've actually gained two pounds.
GEORGE: Well, if I'm already going down, uh... What happened to the last slice of pizza?
GRACE: Oh, oh, I thought everyone was done, so I threw it... down my throat.
WILL: Isn't she something? She's better than a garbage disposal. And she doesn't make that awful sound when a fork gets stuck in her. I'll make you something, Dad.
GEORGE: No, no, no. It's a hassle. Unless you got a nice semi-soft cheese? Hey, what happened to this guy Matt you keep talking about? He sounds like dynamite. Why isn't he here?
WILL: I meant to mention that, Dad. We broke up.
GEORGE: I never liked him.
WILL: You never met him.
GEORGE: I don't have to meet him. Any guy can't make it work with you, there's something wrong with him.
GRACE: Ugh... [TO JACK] My dad had never said anything that sweet to me. The last time I was home he turned around from his "Kojak" rerun and told me I looked like a hooker in that tube top.
JACK: Hmm, that's a good story. Um... I found out a year ago my miserable homophobic father is really my miserable homophobic stepfather, and I have no idea who my real dad is. Don't play the distant daddy game with me, girly. I'll kick your ass every time.
GEORGE: Now, you know, I'm up on Jack's love life because of his internet mailing list. But what about you, Grace? Anybody new? Anything happening, you know?
GRACE: Well, we've only gone on two dates, but I've been seeing--
JACK: Frankenstein.
GRACE: Ian.
GEORGE: Ian?
GRACE: His name is Ian.
JACK: That's his last name. His first name is Frankensty. Put 'em together, you got Frankensty-ian.
GRACE: He does not look like Frankenstein. Right, Will?
WILL: Well, he's very large, he has a square-shaped head, an every time I've seen him he's being chased by torch-wielding villagers.
GRACE: God'll get you for that, Walter.
WILL: Come on, Dad, it's our turn. Let's do that Taboo that we do so well.
GEORGE: Ok, I'm ready.
GRACE: Ok...go.
GEORGE: I give up.
WILL: Dad!
GEORGE: I can't, I can't. I'm not in the mood. I'm really not in the mood. You know, I had a day, then I had a situation. I gotta go back to the hotel.
WILL: Come on, I hardly ever get to see you.
GEORGE: Tomorrow. Well... Make it Friday. Friday night we'll have dinner, ok? Right now I just-- I feel like gettin' back to my room, putting my feet up, and ordering up that movie where Ashley Judd runs around scared in town.
WILL: Well, beats going home watching mom run around scared of water stains on the Beidermeyer.
GEORGE: Hey, don't be so rough on your mother, ok?
WILL: You're right. I'm sorry.
GEORGE: I hate getting harsh with you.
GRACE: [TO JACK] That's harsh? Whenever I call home, my father hands the phone to my mother and says "it's the middle disappointment."
JACK: My mother had anonymous sex... With one of 11 brothers now scattered across the country and nine months later I was born. You don't learn, do ya?
SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs
(JACK is holding theater auditions. There is a line of men outside the office, and JACK is interviewing one of them.)
JACK: Ok, Blaze, yeah. Well, I've got your picture and résumé, but I should tell ya, you're not exactly what we're looking for.
BLAZE: Any notes?
JACK: Well, since you asked, I'd project more and lose your aversion to being fondled.
[BLAZE ROLLS HIS EYES AND WALKS OUT.]
JACK: Deal with it! Broadway's a very hands-on business.
[KAREN MAKES HER WAY PAST THE GUYS IN THE HALLWAY AND ENTERS.]
KAREN: What's going on? What's happening? What's with all the man-candy in the hallway?
JACK: Oh! They're actors who answered an ad I placed in Casting Call Weekly. I'm auditioning.
KAREN: For what?
JACK: For fun.
KAREN: Do you mean to tell me you dragged these poor, struggling actors down here and got their hopes up just for your own amusement?
JACK: Uh-huh.
KAREN: Ok, just wanted to get clear on your process. Next! [SNAPS HER FINGERS]
JACK: [BLOWS WHISTLE] "Elias Page." Paging Elias Page. [LAUGHING] Ha ha ha! Paging--
[ELIAS ENTERS. HE'S CUTE.]
JACK: Ouch-a-ma-goucha.
ELIAS: I'm Elias.
JACK: Yes, you are. Right this way. Let's take a looky see at the old rez-umey, huh? Right there. Oh, whoops. [JACK "ACCIDENTALLY" DROPS THE RESUME.]
ELIAS: Oh... [ELIAS BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP, AND HANDS IT TO JACK.]
JACK: Yes, thank you. Ok, let's see. [READING THE RESUME] "Yale Drama, a summer with the Royal School of Dramatic Arts." Very nice, oh! "Currently at The Actors Studio." Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. You know what all that fancy studying means to me, Elias? Blippity blah blay blue blah, touch me.
ELIAS: What?
JACK: Nothing. Ok...
KAREN: So, Eli, how do you feel about nudity?
ELIAS: I'm against it.
KAREN: Not yours, mine.
ELIAS: Um, the ad said I should have a monologue prepared.
JACK: Yes, you should. Very nice. Please stand. Now up on the ball your feet, spin around slowly, and flex for us.
[ELIAS FOLLOWS JACK'S INSTRUCTIONS.]
JACK: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Very nice, very nice. And scene.
KAREN: Wow. Oh, boy.
JACK: Somebody's a natural.
[JACK AND KAREN CLAP.]
KAREN: Ok... It says here that you do several different dialects. We're gonna have to measure you.
ELIAS: What? You mean, like, for costumes?
KAREN: Ok. Sure.
JACK: Yes, whatever.
KAREN: Yeah.
[JACK AND KAREN EXTEND THEIR TAPE MEASURES AND PROCEED TO "MEASURE" ELIAS.]
JACK: 32.
KAREN: 73.
JACK: 98.
KAREN: 84.
[KAREN AND JACK ARE BOTH KNEELING, "MEASURING" ELIAS' INSEAM.]
KAREN: And I think we have a wiener. I mean a winner! Ha ha ha! I mean winner!
JACK: [TO JACK] Ha ha ha! You dirty bird!
KAREN: You're the dirty bird!
JACK: Dirty bird!
KAREN: You're the dirty bird!
JACK: You're the dirty--
KAREN: You flap your wings. Flap your wings, flap your wings--
[JACK AND KAREN ARE KNEELING ON THE FLOOR AND JACK IS PRETENDING TO BE A BIRD.]
JACK: Feed me the worm, feed me the worm--
[KAREN MAKES BIRD NOISES AS JACK PRETENDS TO MAKE EATING NOISES; BOTH ARE LAUGHING AND NEARLY ROLLING ON THE FLOOR.]
JACK AND KAREN: [BOTH LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY] Ha ha ha!
[ELIAS HAS LEFT.]
KAREN: Where the hell did he go? Oh, that is so unprofessional.
JACK: Who cares? I didn't like him anyway. He was coming off a little gay when he should have been coming on a little gay.
KAREN: [TO THE GUYS IN THE HALLWAY] Ok, listen... We're gonna take a little break. We'll be back at 12:30 when we'll be casting the parts of "Naked Man with Massage Oil" and "Naked Man with Stoli."
JACK: Oh, Kar... I love the theater. Take me to the salon. I want to get corn rows and change my name to Mo Derek.
KAREN: I can't, honey. I'm meeting Stanley. We have a standing lunch once a month so I remember what he looks like in the daylight.
[KAREN DIALS THE PHONE.]
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Hey, Rosie, how ya doing? Quit blabbering. It's only an expression. Go what myself? Well, if I could do that, I wouldn't need Mr. Walker, now would I? Speaking of which, put him on. Well, where the hell is he? We had a lunch date. He never cancels. Did he leave me a number, where I could reach him? Oh, and one other thing--
[KAREN IMMEDIATELY HANGS UP.]
SCENE IV: The Music Box Theatre
("Seussical The Musical" -- GRACE is on a date with IAN.)
IAN: So what's your favorite part of the Seussical so far?
GRACE: Probably the look that row of shrunken old people gave you when you sat down in front of them.
IAN: Well, that'll teach 'em to unwrap butterscotch during the overture. You want anything from the bar?
GRACE: Whatever they got. But nothing to drink. The line for the ladies room goes from here to Whoville.
IAN: Whoville. Oh, yeah, like in the play.
[IAN WALKS OFF TO THE BAR.]
GRACE: [TO HERSELF] Not smart. Doesn't need to be.
[GRACE NOTICES GEORGE TRUMAN ACROSS THE ROOM.]
GRACE: Hey... Hi, George. Hi. [GRACE HUGS GEORGE]
GEORGE: What? Grace. [NERVOUS] What are you-- what are you-- What-- What-- What are you doing here?
GRACE: I love Dr. Seuss. Though my mom used to read that one story to me as "one fish, two fish, goy fish, Jew fish."
GEORGE: Listen, uh, with me-- This is kind of a last-minute kind of thing, you know? I mean, the concierge at the hotel had tickets--
WOMAN: Here you go, sweetheart. [SHE HANDS GEORGE A DRINK.]
GEORGE: Thanks. --to see a show, you now? I mean, that's the great thing about New York. You know, last year I saw Death of--
GRACE: George, who is this with you?
GEORGE: Tina. --a Salesman, with Brian Dennehy. And, uh, you know, you wouldn't think a guy that powerful could play Willy Loman and make it work, but--
GRACE: Hi, Tina, I'm Grace. [GRACE SHAKES TINA'S HAND.]
GEORGE: It did.
GRACE: So, um... How do you two know each other?
GEORGE: Uh... Uh.... Well, Tina's a colleague of mine.
TINA: That's right we're colleagues. [GIDDY LAUGH] Hee-hee-ha!
GRACE: What kind of colleagues are you?
GEORGE: Um... Working. We're working colleagues.
TINA: I, um, I catered his company's Christmas party.
GRACE: Hmm. Wow, it must've been some party. It's February.
GEORGE: [NERVOUS] Heh heh heh.
GRACE: You must be a meticulous cleaner-upper.
TINA: Yeah. [GIDDY LAUGH] Hee-hee-ha!
[THE BELL TOLLS OVER THE P.A.]
GEORGE: Well, look, uh, we--we'd better get back to our seats. We gotta catch the second act of... What the hell are we seeing?
TINA: Seussical.
GEORGE: Oh.
TINA: I love rhyming. Bye.
IAN: Hey.
GRACE: I--I cannot believe what I just saw. Married men having affairs. Is there anything worse?
IAN: Ooh, I should go.
[IAN QUICKLY EXITS.]
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE is on the phone while KAREN is sorting her pills into a weekly pill dispenser.)
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Oh, congratulations. Ok, I'm on my way over. Bye. [HANGS UP]
GRACE: [TO KAREN] I've got to go. The Fergusons are pregnant. So I've got to convert their S&M room into a nursery. At least I can keep the jolly jumper and the changing table. Ok... Before I go, can I run something by you?
KAREN: Honey, could you give me a minute? I'm kind of in the middle of a project. [TO HERSELF] Ok, cross that off the "to do" list.
[KAREN CROSSES IT OFF HER LIST, THEN POPS A PILL AND DOWNS IT WITH A MARTINI.]
KAREN: Well, that's good. Now I don't have to take my work home with me. Although knowing me, I probably will. You know I'm a workaholic.
[KAREN CLOSES THE PILL CASE AND TAKES ANOTHER DRINK.]
KAREN: Mmm. What can I do for ya?
GRACE: Um, all right, how do I say this? Ok... If you see a person doing something wrong, something that could hurt another person, do you tell the person what the person was doing or do you protect the person by not telling the person what the person was doing?
KAREN: Oh, honey. [SIGHS] Did you get knocked up again?
GRACE: What?! No! Ok, look, I was out last night, and I saw someone who is very close to a friend of mine, having an affair. I mean, I didn't actually see 'em going at it. Uh, 'cause you know, that would be creepy, but, um, I saw him on a date with a woman who was obviously his mistress.
KAREN: Oh. Really.
GRACE: So, do I tell my friend about it? I mean, do you think they need to know?
KAREN: No, no. Absolutely not.
GRACE: Ok. Thank you. That's all I needed to hear.
[GRACE EXITS.]
KAREN: Stanley Walker, you cheating piece of old man flap! [GRUNTS] Ha ha ha! Oh, yeah, you're a dead man!
[JACK ARRIVES IN THE FREIGHT ELEVATOR.]
JACK: Look. Jack in a box. Kar, take me to lunch. I'm in a lobster bisque-y, crème brule-y, cruisy-waitery kind of mode.
KAREN: Honey, brace yourself.
[JACK GRABS ONTO GRACE'S DESK.]
KAREN: Stan's having an affair.
JACK: [GASPS] Oh no! I don't believe it! It's impossible-- He's so fat!
KAREN: Grace caught him red-handed.
JACK: He was by himself? [THEN REALIZES]
KAREN: Oh, I should've known. Lately he's been wearing his good toupée and his fancy compression garment. Come on, let's go. I'm gonna catch that rotund Romeo in the act!
JACK: Shouldn't you lock up? Somebody might steal something.
KAREN: Oh, my God, honey, you're right. That's terrible.
[KAREN RUNS BACK IN, AND GRABS HER DRINK. SHE AND JACK LEAVE WITH THE DOOR WIDE OPEN.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(WILL is cooking as GRACE enters.)
GRACE: [SIGH] Remind me never go get a free chiropractic exam from a guy set up in front of a deli. All he did was adjust my boob. I guess the gloves with no fingers should have tipped me off. What's cookin', good lookin'?
WILL: Whenever my dad goes to a restaurant he always says the same thing. "God, I can make a meal just from the appetizers." So, that's what I'm making him: a meal of appetizers.
GRACE: Good, good.
WILL: Mom never lets him eat this stuff at home. Why shouldn't he?
GRACE: Why not?
WILL: He's a great guy.
GRACE: He is.
WILL: He should have a little fun.
GRACE: He's having an affair.
WILL: He's what?
GRACE: [SIGHS] I wasn't gonna say anything, but Karen told me not to, so I knew I had to. The other night, when I was at Seussical the Musical... I saw your dad with another woman. Tina.
WILL: Wait minute, wait a minute. You went to Seussical the Musical?
GRACE: For once in your life can you skip over the show tunes and listen to what I'm saying?
WILL: Grace... I know all about Tina. It's his colleague.
GRACE: I don't think so. During "Green Eggs and Ham," his hands were here, his hands were there, his hands were almost everywhere.
WILL: Grace, let it go, ok? She's a colleague.
GRACE: She is not a colleague. I mean, do you grab your colleague's ass when they give you a box of Goobers at intermission?
WILL: Was it a jumbo box?
GRACE: Will--
WILL: Grace, look. I'm gonna say this just once. My family is not like your family. There's certain things that we don't talk about, so, if my dad says that she's a colleague, that's what she is.
GRACE: So, you're just gonna deny the truth to avoid suffering? That is so... not Jewish.
WILL: That's right. Consider this one of the gentiles' three gifts to the world. One: we make a great martini; two: we keep retail stores alive; and three: we don't talk about things that we don't want to know about.
GRACE: So, you admit there's a problem.
WILL: No, I don't. See how that works?
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
WILL: See, your problem is you're too suspicious. You know, I mean, for one thing if my dad was in town to see his girlfriend, why would he be spending his last night with us?
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S GEORGE TRUMAN.]
GEORGE: Hi, I can't stay.
WILL: What?
GEORGE: This business thing just came up and sort of ballooned into-- Give me a hug. I gotta run.
WILL: Well, no, Dad, I just made dinner. I got won tons and crab cakes and chicken drumettes.
GEORGE: God, I could make a whole meal out of that.
TINA: [ENTERING] Hi.
GEORGE: Tina, what-- What are you doing here?
TINA: I'm sorry, I gotta pee. I couldn't wait. It was all that champagne in the limo. [GIDDY LAUGH] Hee-hee-ha!
GEORGE: It goes right through her. [GIDDY LAUGH] Hee-ha!