Episode #3.14
Original Airdate 2/15/2001
Written by Kari Lizer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Ellen DeGeneres (Sister Louise)
Leslie Jordan (Beverley Leslie)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are reading the newspaper.)
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
GRACE: Ignore it. We're screening.
ANSWERING MACHINE: [WILL AND GRACE SINGING] Here's the story of a lovely lady.
ANSWERING MACHINE: [GRACE'S VOICE] That's me!
ANSWERING MACHINE: [WILL AND GRACE SINGING] Who was living with a very lovely girl.
ANSWERING MACHINE: [WILL'S VOICE] That's me!
ANSWERING MACHINE: [WILL AND GRACE'S VOICES] Leave a message. [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
WILL: I hate us so hard right now.
GRACE: New rule. No more making phone machine messages after a pitcher of "margateenies."
JACK: [ENTERING, CARRYING A STACK OF LETTERS] Mail's here, and he is hot! Oh, we also got some letters. Ha ha! Ooh, an advertisement for teeth bleaching. [GIVES THE POSTCARD TO GRACE] Oh, this must be yours. Ooh, and for moi, ooh, a postcard from Mama.
WILL: She's still on that cruise?
JACK: Yep. Sailin' the Caribbean with boatload of desperate, saggy singles. I gave her the toll-free number. Oh, my God. Listen to this.
GRACE: I don't need my teeth bleached. They're fine.
JACK: Excuse me. Girl, interrupted. [READING THE POSTCARD] "Jack, I know this may come as a shock to you, but your father is a black boy. Gotta run. It's coconut shrimp night. Kisses, Mommy."
WILL: She said your father's a black boy?
GRACE: And they have an entire night dedicated to coconut shrimp? What is that toll-free number?
JACK: Oh my God... I'm black. I'm black, and my mother says "black boy." I'm black, and my mother's a racist.
GRACE: Will.
WILL: Actually, Grace, I totally see it.
GRACE: What?
WILL: Jack's black. I don't know why I have never noticed this before. [TO JACK] I salute you, my proud, black brother. [WILL THUMPS HIS CHEST WITH HIS FIST]
JACK: Thank you, Will. It's nice to have your support. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find out what it means to be black like me.
[JACK EXITS.]
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is reading her mail while WILL gets himself a cup of coffee.)
GRACE: Oh, man! They're raising the rent on my storage space again? Don't start.
WILL: I don't get it. Throwing away good money to store a car you never even use.
GRACE: It's my Uncle Jerry's car.
WILL: Uncle Jerry is dead. For four years now, Uncle Jerry has been dead.
GRACE: And that car is the only thing I have to remember him by. It has sentimental value.
WILL: It's a Chevy Citation... With no A/C and old man stink.
GRACE: It's family. Look. You wouldn't understand that, because you're tiny-hearted.
WILL: Did you just call me Tonya Harding?
GRACE: Don't flatter yourself. You've got a weird thing about family. Everyone thinks so.
WILL: Lose the car. You never use it.
GRACE: Well, what if we did use it? Huh? We could zip off to the Hamptons whenever we wanted to. Wouldn't that be fun?
SCENE III:Grace's Storage Garage
(GRACE, WILL, JACK, and KAREN are in Uncle Jerry's car, an old beat up Chevy Citation.)
GRACE: Ok. Here we go.
[GRACE TRIES TO START THE CAR, BUT THE START JUST CLICKS.]
GRACE: That's weird. Will, what do you think's wrong?
KAREN: [TO JACK] She just asked a fairy an engine question. Oh, my God. We're all gonna die in this car.
WILL: Karen, you're not gonna die. It'd take a silver bullet and a wooden stake to do that.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Come on. Let's look.
WILL: All right, but you pop the hood. I just got a mani. [WILL HOLDS UP HIS HANDS.]
[GRACE AND WILL EXIT THE CAR AND PEEK UNDER THE HOOD.]
KAREN: [TO JACK] You know, honey, I'm happy for you, and I'm happy for me. I've always wanted a black friend.
JACK: I finally found my roots, Kar. It's like my whole life, I've been waiting to exhale. [EXHALES]
KAREN: You know, I wish they would hurry up. I've got to get home for a playdate. That pasty, pretentious eunuch Beverley Leslie is coming over to play pool.
JACK: So, cancel.
KAREN: Honey, no! He's my dearest friend. What are you--?
JACK: I thought I was your dearest friend.
KAREN: He's my dearest white friend. Wh--?
JACK: Oh.
KAREN: [SIGHS]
[WILL AND GRACE SHUT THE HOOD AND GET BACK IN THE CAR.]
GRACE: Ok. I think that fixed it.
JACK: What did you guys do?
GRACE: I opened the hood and jiggled the bendy thing.
WILL: I scratched my head and readjusted myself.
GRACE: Ok...
[GRACE TRIES AGAIN. THE STARTER TRIES TO CATCH, AND THE ENGINE FINALLY STARTS. IT'S KNOCKING AND THERE'S SMOKE COMING OUT OF THE ENGINE.]
GRACE: Yes! Wow. You know, uncle Jerry used to take me to ballet class in this very car. Then, after, we'd go to Friendly's for a fribble and a fish-a-ma-jig, and--
[SMOKE IS NOW POURING INTO THE CAR.]
JACK: [COUGHS] Grace. [COUGHS] I think there's something wrong with your car.
GRACE: What are you talking about? It's purring like a kitten.
KAREN: Yeah. A kitten who smokes 10 packs a day. [COUGHS]
WILL: [COUGHS] God, this is like a Cheech and Chong movie.
[KAREN WHEEZES.]
SCENE IV: Karen's Penthouse, The Billiards Room
(KAREN and BEVERLEY LESLIE are playing pool. BEVERLEY is a short man in a white suit with a Southern
accent.)
BEVERLEY: Oh, dear. I can't seem to set up this shot. My big, new diamond ring keeps throwing off my balance.
[KAREN EXAMINES THE RING WITH HER JEWELER'S GLASS NECKLACE.]
KAREN: Oh, good for you, Bev. Ooh, that must have cost your wife a pretty penny.
BEVERLEY: You wouldn't believe the disgusting sexual perversions I had to perform to get that.
KAREN: Oh, I think I would. Meet the twins. [KAREN PULLS HER HAIR BACK TO REVEAL DIAMOND EARRINGS.] Ha!
[BEVERLEY EXAMINES THEM WITH KAREN'S NECKLACE.]
BEVERLEY: Yes, ma'am! Oh... Lord, the things we do for love.
KAREN: And money. Ha ha!
BEVERLEY: Ha ha!
KAREN: Ha ha!
[ROSARIO ENTERS CARRYING TWO DRINKS.]
ROSARIO: Here you go. [ROSARIO HANDS KAREN A DRINK.]
KAREN: Where the hell have you been?
ROSARIO: Riding a llama in Neverland. Where do you think I was? I was cleaning. Mr. Beverley Leslie, here's your B-52 with one ice cube.
BEVERLEY: Thank you, sweetie.
KAREN: [TO BEVERLEY] I thought your drink was a blackberry julep with a baby aspirin chaser.
BEVERLEY: I switched.
KAREN: Wait a minute. [TO ROSARIO] How do you know that?
ROSARIO: Because--
KAREN: Come on, come on, come on, come on.
ROSARIO: Because I'm good at my job. Quit busting my hump, lady.
[ROSARIO EXITS. KAREN GIVES BEVERLEY AN ICE COLD GLARE.]
BEVERLEY: What?
KAREN: Nothin', honey. I was just lookin' at your balls. [BEAT] You're stripes, right?
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(WILL enters, carrying a box of junk and gives it to GRACE.)
WILL: Here we go. Here's all the stuff from inside the car, and here's your $350.
GRACE: Did you find a good home for him?
WILL: Yeah, honey, I did. I sold him to a family with a farm. There's lots of room for him to roam, and lots of other cars for him to play with.
GRACE: Poor Uncle Jerry. You work hard, you live a good life, and this is all it comes down to.
JACK: [ENTERING] You will not believe the day I've had! Something must be done.
WILL: Look, it's Notorious F.A.G.
JACK: I just stood in the freezing cold for 40 minutes, trying to get a cab. I finally had to walk halfway across town.
WILL: Why couldn't you get a cab?
JACK: Why do you think? Because I'm black.
GRACE: Maybe you should go down to Boy Bar and try and get a little affirmative action.
JACK: You guys better climb out of your ivory tower and smell the coffee, because it's here, it's hot, and it's black! [JACK EXITS.]
WILL: That was kind worth it.
[GRACE BEGINS DIGGING THROUGH THE BOX.]
GRACE: Oh, my gosh. [SHE PULLS OUT A CASSETTE TAPE.] Where-- Where did this come from?
WILL: Oh, that was in the tape deck.
GRACE: It says, "For Grace." How could I have never found this?
[GRACE PUTS THE TAPE IN THE STEREO AND PLAYS IT.]
UNCLE JERRY [ON TAPE]: Hello, Mini.
GRACE: Oh, my God! That's what he called me-- Mini. [TO THE STEREO] Hi, Uncle Jerry.
UNCLE JERRY [ON TAPE]: Mini, you know how much you mean to me. You're my family, and this Chevy Citation represents my deep, deep affection for you, as long as you have this car I'll always be with you.
GRACE: [TO WILL] And you sold my Uncle Jerry for $350. How you must feel!
WILL: Actually, I sold it for $400, and kept 50 as a finder's fee. [LAUGHS, THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY.] Not a time to laugh, though.
SCENE VI: Karen's Penthouse
(ROSARIO enters and KAREN, who is sitting in the dark waiting, turns on the light.)
KAREN: Well, well, well. El pollo's come home to roost. How's Beverley?
ROSARIO: Miss Karen, I was just--
KAREN: Don't insult me with your lies. I know where you were... Scrubbing floors for Beverley Leslie. I can smell his generic cleaning products all over you.
ROSARIO: It's not what you think.
KAREN: Oh, really. Is that a new Members Only jacket you're wearing?
ROSARIO: So, what if it is? A lady likes nice things.
KAREN: Oh. I see. Well, is he good to you?
ROSARIO: He lets me wear jeans to work.
KAREN: Oh, disgusting! I don't wanna know all the filthy details. What does he feed you?
ROSARIO: Subway. The 12-inch.
KAREN: Oh, how could you? I was your world. Are you really gonna throw all that away for a casual 12-inch sub?
[KAREN SHAKES ROSARIO AND SILVERWARE FALLS TO THE GROUND.]
KAREN: Ohh! You steal from him, too? Oh, my God. It's serious.
[KAREN STUMBLES OUT OF THE ROOM.]
SCENE VI: A Church
(WILL and GRACE are out back, where Uncle Jerry's car is parked.)
GRACE: This isn't a farm! This is Queens.
WILL: I don't know what happened. Last time, I swear, there were cows here. Look, we'll give back the $350--
GRACE: $400, Mr. Finder's fee.
WILL: Right, and then that'll be the end of it, ok? Here she comes.
[SISTER LOUISE ENTERS DOWN THE STAIRS FROM THE CHURCH BACK DOOR.]
GRACE: You sold my Uncle Jerry to a nun?
SISTER LOUISE: I'm Sister Louise. What can I do you for?
GRACE: I'm, I'm Grace Adler. I think it is so wonderful that you're married to God. Me, I'm still looking. Anyway, um, uh, we want to give you your money back.
SISTER LOUISE: Great!
GRACE: So we can get our car back.
SISTER LOUISE: [DISAPPOINTED] Oh...
GRACE: It's a family thing. I'm sure you understand.
SISTER LOUISE: My family sent me to a convent when I was three. Actually, they told me I was going to the zoo. I was all excited. They got me dressed up, gave me a lollipop, I ended up here. All I wanted to do was see the penguins. Ironic, isn't it? What's sex with a man like?
[BEAT]
WILL: It's good, actually--
GRACE: I've loved it--
WILL: If you find the right guy--
GRACE: Ever since the first time--
[BEAT]
GRACE: It's nothing really--
WILL: It's no big deal--
GRACE: You just lie there.
WILL: You're not really missing anything. Maybe we should get back to the car. Uh, I've got your money here and I'm gonna throw in an extra $50 for your trouble.
SISTER LOUISE: Oh, no, thanks. No, I need the car to deliver my cheesecakes. Little business I got going on the side. Shh!
GRACE: Well, can't you get another car? I-I need this car. It's my Uncle Jerry's car.
SISTER LOUISE: I might have an Uncle Jerry, who knows? I was sent to a convent when I was 3. I thought I was going to the zoo. Have I told you the story?
WILL: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you have.
SISTER LOUISE: Well, then the answer to the car question-- No.
GRACE: What do you mean, no? I'm talking about my Uncle Jerry here.
SISTER LOUISE: Hmm. Talk to the beads.
GRACE: What? I can't believe that you're-- Listen, listen. I'm really sorry about the whole zoo thing, but nobody messes with my family. I mean, what do you need with a car anyway? Can't you fly?
SISTER LOUISE: Well, let's see. The Bible does teach the value of charity and helping your fellow man.
GRACE: Yes. It does.
SISTER LOUISE: But God's no fool. I want $3,000 in traveler's checks.
Grace: What?! Are you kidding? You paid $400.
SISTER LOUISE: Look, you two work it out, I got to go. "What a Friend We Have in Cheesecake" doesn't run itself. [LOUISE EXITS BACK UP THE STAIRS INTO THE CHURCH.]
GRACE: Will!
WILL: What? No! No, I--I'm not spending $3,000 on this piece of junk. Just let it go!
GRACE: Ok, fine, but I hope that you never have to feel what I'm feeling right now.
WILL: Me, too.
GRACE: And when you do, I hope it hurts. Let me just say goodbye. [TO THE CAR] Bye, Uncle Jerry. I'm sorry. I'll never forget you...
[GRACE BENDS DOWN AND KISSES THE CAR.]
GRACE: Eww. Bird poop.
SCENE VII: Karen's Penthouse, the Billiards Room
(KAREN confronts BEVERLEY about Rosario.)
KAREN: You came between one of the most sacred relationships there is-- A woman and her housekeeper.
BEVERLEY: Well, what can I say? She just prefers being around masculine energy.
KAREN: Let's leave your wife out of this. I want you to stay away from Rosario!
BEVERLEY: What Rosario does on her own time is Rosario's business! You do not own her, my dear. She's a person!
KAREN: I know damn well what he is. You don't have to tell me my own maid is a person. Of course she's a person! I'll play you for her.
BEVERLEY: All right, you're on.
[POOL BREAK. BEV IS BEATING KAREN.]
KAREN: Damn it!
BEVERLEY: Oh, I'm really going to enjoy having Rosario around the villa. She even alphabetized my imposter fragrances. Special lady.
KAREN: Yeah. She sure is special.
BEVERLEY: Eightball, side pocket.
[KAREN HITS THE END OF BEV'S STICK AND HE MISSES.]
KAREN: Ha ha!
BEVERLEY: I would have made that shot!
KAREN: Yeah? Tell it to the Marines if you already haven't. Ha! I'm up! Eightball, side pocket.
BEVERLEY: Ah-choo!
[KAREN SCRATCHES]
KAREN: Oh! [GRUNTS]
BEVERLEY: Oops. You scratched, I won. Rosario's mine.
KAREN: The hell she is! Now back off, you Keebler elf.
BEVERLEY: Don't you take that tone with me, mister!
KAREN: Hey, I'm not afraid to hit you, you little cup-size capote. How about that?
BEVERLEY: Well, bring it on, big cheater!
KAREN: Maid stealer!
[KAREN AND BEV SPAR OFF WITH THEIR CUE STICKS.]
KAREN: Oh! Aah!
[BEV SCREECHES AS KAREN PUSHES HIM TO THE FLOOR.]
[BEV JUMPS ON KAREN'S BACK.]
KAREN: Aah! Get off me, Tattoo. Aah! Get off of me!
[KAREN GRABS BEV'S HAIR AND HIS WIG COMES OFF.]
BEVERLEY: Aah! You bitch!
[BEV PULLS]
KAREN: Aah! You bitch!
BEVERLEY: I won fair and square. Rosario's mine.
[KAREN AND BEV WRESTLE AROUND ON TOP OF THE POOL TABLE.]
KAREN: No!
BEVERLEY: Ow!
ROSARIO: [ENTERS] Stop it! Stop it. You won me in a game of pool?
BEVERLEY: It was her id--
ROSARIO: What am I, your prize bull?!
BEVERLEY: It was her idea, Rosario. I called you a person.
KAREN: Shut up, lucky charms! [TO ROSARIO] Don't you listen to him.
ROSARIO: I'm not listening to anyone. I don't want to see either one of you again.
[ROSARIO EXITS.]
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is going through her stuff and putting it in a box when WILL enters.)
WILL: Hey.
GRACE: Hey.
WILL: What ya doing?
GRACE: Cleaning house. You know, this whole car thing made me realize I hold onto stuff way longer that I need to.
WILL: What, your Nancy Drew, Girl Detective membership card? Aren't you going to need that in case something mysterious happens down at Old Man Winsley's place?
GRACE: Eh, the creepy caretaker did it.
WILL: Oh.
GRACE: Anyway, I don't need it. Just like I don't need this "remember me always" bracelet I got from... what's-her-name. Or this piece of the Berlin Wall I got as a gift with purchase at the Lancôme counter at Bloomingdale's.
WILL: How about these clown shoes?
GRACE: Those are my ballet slippers from fourth grade.
WILL: Oh.
GRACE: I went from a 4 to an 8 in a month. Anyway, you were right, I just have to let all this stuff go.
WILL: Want to put those in there?
GRACE: What's that?
WILL: The keys to your Uncle Jerry's car.
GRACE: Oh, my God! I can't-- Wait-- What made you change your mind?
WILL: I don't know. I guess I-- I just thought about you kissing that bird poop and... It just made me feel a little...sick at first, you know, then sad, and then sick again, when I realized that we'd shared a spoon at the yogurt shop later that day.
GRACE: Wow. I--I don't know what to say. I ju-- Wait a minute. You paid-- You paid $3,000 for that junky car?
WILL: Well, not-- Not exactly, but, you know, with a little creative thinking I--I was able to come up with a solution that's going to work for everybody.
[CUT TO THE CHURCH. WILL AND GRACE ARE IN UNCLE JERRY'S CAR AND SISTER LOUISE IS IN THE BACK SEAT.]
SISTER LOUISE: Come on. Let's move it! We got a trunk full of cheesecakes to deliver, and they're probably starting to sweat. Hurry up! You promised to get me to the zoo by 4:00.
GRACE: That's right.
[GRACE STARTS THE CAR.]
SISTER LOUISE: [SINGING] We're going to the zoo. We're going to the-- Who's going to the zoo? I'm going to the zoo. I'm going-- It's a big day for me. I'm not wearing a bra.
SCENE X: Karen's Penthouse, the Billiards Room
(Later. KAREN is pushing a ball around on the table when JACK enters.)
JACK: [SULLEN] Hey, Kare.
KAREN: [SULLEN] Hey, poodle.
JACK: [SULLEN] Who's your daddy?
KAREN: [SULLEN] You are.
JACK: Well, I'm devastated. I talked to mother last night, and it turns out... I'm not black.
KAREN: Honey, I won't believe it. I mean, look at you.
JACK: Shh. I know. Shh.
KAREN: What--
JACK: I know. It's true. I'm not black. I'm a Black. She got knocked up by one of the Black boys, an Irish-Catholic family from her hometown.
KAREN: Tsk! Well, at least you're one step closer to finding your real dad.
JACK: Don't try to console me. Once you've been black, you can never go back.
KAREN: Well, um, if it makes you feel any better, I'm devastated, too.
JACK: Hmm, it does. I mean, oh, why?
KAREN: My Rosie is gone, and she's never coming back!
JACK: Oh, no! You loved her, didn't you?
KAREN: Oh, I don't know. It's more... I've grown accustomed to her face. She almost makes the day begin. I've grown accustomed to the tune she whistles night and noon. Her smiles, her frowns. Her ups... her downs.
JACK: [SNIFFS] Is cook making noodle pudding? Ooh! [JACK RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
[KAREN SIGHS AND SLUMPS INTO A CHAIR. SHE PULLS A BOTTLE OF WINDEX FROM THE CUSION, SPRAYS IT AND THEN SNIFFS THE MIST.]
ROSARIO: [ENTERING] Miss Karen...
KAREN: [GASPS] Rosie! Are you back?
ROSARIO: I'm back.
KAREN: [SMILING] Where the hell are my slippers?
ROSARIO: [SMILING] Have you looked up your ass, you drunken fool?