Episode #3.11
Original Airdate 1/11/2001
Written by Katie Palmer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
GUEST CAST
Sandra Bernhard (Herself)
Mitch Kaplan (Mitchie)
Pamela Tyson (Joan)
Cheryl White (Cheryl Bricker-Fossberg)
Shondra Olds-Whitlow (Girl)
Thi Nguyen (Mei-Lihn)
Molly Bryant (Realtor)
Susie Geiser (Mom #1)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are reading the newspaper.)
GRACE: Look at this. [READING] "Suzanne Stillwell, 21, to wed David Mills, 46." Now, why would a guy his age want to marry a 21-year-old child?
WILL: 'Cause at that age, they're still tender like veal.
GRACE: What are you looking at?
WILL: Just checking out some of these open houses. Listen to this. [READING] "A 1970s pre-war apartment." What war are they talking about? "The Battle of the Network Stars"?
GRACE: Oh, my God. I know this apartment. You'll never guess whose it is. You're gonna die.
WILL: We're all gonna die, Grace. The important thing is what you do while you're here.
GRACE: Right. Ok. I'm gonna give you a hint. You love her music, you've seen her cabaret 100 times--
WILL: Jack?
GRACE: Sandra Bernhard.
WILL: Oh, my God. I love her music. I've seen her cabaret, like, 100 times. We are so going to see this house.
GRACE: I know. Definitely. I'm excited. I might even wear a jazzy hair clip.
WILL: Whoo! I might even wear a jazzy hair clip. Ok. So, we'll give the realtor our usual story that we're wealthy dot-commers who don't have kids.
GRACE: Fine, but only this time, don't tell them it's 'cause I'm barren.
WILL: Fine, long as you don't tell them it's because I have an undescended testicle.
GRACE: Deal.
[JACK ENTERS ON A SCOOTER, RINGING THE BELL.]
JACK: Toot toot! Heyyy! [SQUEAKING HORN] Guess what I just got off of eBay?
GRACE: I don't know what you got, but I know a scooter that just won a homosexual.
JACK: [FAKE LAUGHS] Oh, my God. You are so blah! I got this scooter, which happens to be autographed by Ricky Martin. But the best part is, I outbid my arch-rival, Dr. Dangerous, to get it.
WILL: Dr. Dangerous? Do Mr. Thumb and Shrinkface know about this?
JACK: Dr. Dangerous is his online screen name, and he and I always bid against the same things online, and he always wins, but that's about to change. Do you know why?
WILL: Because we don't care?
JACK: No. Because I have this special online beeper. It lets me know immediately when someone outbids me. That's how I got this Ricky Martin scooter, and let me tell you something--
WILL: Let me guess. It bangs, it bangs.
SCENE II: Sandra Bernhard's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are looking around.)
WILL: Look at this. [WILL PICKS UP A PICTURE FRAME.] Sandra Bernhard is friends with the Dalai Lama. I bet she doesn't make a big deal out of it, either, you know, like Richard Gere or the Tibetan people.
[GRACE PULLS A DIGITAL CAMERA OUT OF HER BAG.]
GRACE: Ok. Smile.
WILL: What are you doing?
GRACE: Here. Squeeze in next to that picture of Sandra. I want to get a picture of the two of you.
WILL: No, no! You're being ridiculous. I hate when you-- Cheese! Let me see. [GRACE SHOWS WILL THE REVIEW SCREEN ON THE DIGITAL CAMERA. HE SQUEALS] She seems comfortable around me.
GRACE: Ok. Now me. Ok. I'm blushing at what I assume is sexual tension between us. [WILL TAKES A PICTURE OF GRACE.]
[THE REALTOR, JOAN, COMES DOWNSTAIRS.]
JOAN: How are you guys doing?
WILL: Oh, good. Fine.
GRACE: We didn't touch anything.
JOAN: Ok. I'm going to be a couple more minutes with these folks. Check out the second bedroom. It's perfect if you plan to have kids.
WILL: Oh, we can't. She's barren. [JOAN GASPS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
GRACE: He has an undescended testicle.
[JOAN GOES BACK UPSTAIRS.]
WILL: You want to check out the bedroom?
GRACE: You kidding? When her medicine cabinet's calling my name?
[GRACE RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM. SHE TAKES A PICTURE OF HER REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR.]
WILL: Grace, don't. What are you-- That is her personal stuff. [WILL SNIFFS A BAR OF SOAP.]
GRACE: [LOOKING THROUGH THE CABINET] Oh, mm-mm-mm. Ok. Girlfriend loves her Claritin. [SHAKES BOTTLE] Ok. I'm taking four.
[GRACE TAKES SOME PILLS FROM THE BOTTLE.]
WILL: Look at this. I-I-I'll bet Courtney Love has probably peed in this very toilet.
GRACE: Or, at the very least, around it. [GRACE TAKES A PICTURE OF THE TOILET] Lift. [WILL LIFTS THE TOILET LID AND GRACE TAKES ANOTHER PICTURE.]
SANDRA: [ENTERING, SINGING TO HERSELF] Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning--
[WILL AND GRACE RUN OUT FROM THE BATHROOM.]
WILL: [TO SANDRA] Hey.
GRACE: [TO SANDRA] Hi.
WILL: Hello there.
SANDRA: Don't mind me. I'm not here.
WILL: Well, if you were here, I'd probably introduce myself. I'm Will. This is Grace.
SANDRA: Hi. How you doing?
WILL: Fine. So, hey, you know the Dalai Lama.
SANDRA: Oh, he's amazing. He's gorgeous. His body is his temple, and his temple smells like old man stew.
JOAN: Oh, Sandra, the Giombos are back. Third time. I think they're serious.
SANDRA: Cool, but I'd much rather sell the place to the happening gay guy and the vivacious redhead. Excuse me.
GRACE: Oh, my God. It's like she knows me. She said I was vivacious.
WILL: [LAUGHS] She doesn't know you that well. She thinks you're an actual redhead.
SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is getting her nails done by a manicurist.)
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Not ovals. I want them pointy, like claws.
[JACK ENTERS ON HIS RICKY MARTIN SCOOTER, RINGING THE BELL, FOLLOWED BY ROSARIO.]
KAREN: Hey, poodle. Love your scooter.
JACK: Thanks. Love your hooters. We have a very serious problem.
KAREN: Serious enough to bother me while I'm working?
ROSARIO: It's time to take a break, rummy dearest.
KAREN: Yeah. Why don't you take a break? Connie here brought her belt-sander. Maybe she can do your hooves.
JACK: Karen, we just got back from your stepkid's parent-teacher conference, and I've got some bad news. It looks like Mason made the swim team.
KAREN: Damn it.
ROSARIO: He's gonna have swim meets twice a week, and I can't be there.
KAREN: What? Well, what about you, Mary? Why can't you raise my stepkids?
JACK: Well, let me s-- Because they're your stepkids. I need to be focused on my online bidding war with Dr. Dangerous for Britney Spears' platform sneakers.
KAREN: God. What the hell are we gonna do?
ROSARIO: Well, in my country, we have this thing where the parents are involved in their kids' lives.
KAREN: Well, in your country, they hunt in packs and bury their food. What the hell has that got to do with me?
SCENE IV: Sandra Bernhard's Apartment
(SANDRA is escorting the realtor Joan and the Giombos out. WILL and GRACE are still looking around.)
SANDRA: [TO THE GIOMBOS] Good-bye. Thanks for nothing. [TO WILL AND GRACE] Wouldn't you know it? Another couple of looky-losers, checking out the celeb in her natural habitat. I hate that.
WILL: So sad.
GRACE: So sad.
SANDRA: I mean, I understand their fascination. I am an international superstar, and now I have to smudge the whole place to get rid of their bad chi.
[SANDRA VOCALIZES MUSICAL RITUAL AS SHE WAVES AROUND INCENSE.]
GRACE: Your apartment is fantastic, and I say that as a decorator who was recently profiled in the Jewish Daily Forward.
SANDRA: I love that paper. [GRACE GIGGLES.] It's genius. Do you know that I was last year's cover Jewess?
[GRACE GASPS]
SANDRA: Me in a bikini on Fyvush Finkel's lap. Hot.
WILL: The place is great, you know, and it's so hard to find anything decent under 2 million.
SANDRA: You know, you should see it at night. It's all about the view.
WILL: Oh, I'd love to see it at night.
SANDRA: Well, you know, I'm busy tonight, but if you guys wanted to come by tomorrow, I'm having a little get-together, you know, very cas, very Dewar's on the rocks, so if you want to stop by--
GRACE: That would be lovely.
SANDRA: Ok.
GRACE: We'd like that.
SANDRA: Fantastic.
GRACE: Um, do you need us to bring anything?
SANDRA: Oh, maybe a couple of rotisserie chickens and some dip. [BEAT] I'm just kidding.
WILL: Oh! [LAUGHS]
GRACE: [LAUGHS]
SCENE V: The Pool
(KAREN enters, wearing a full length fur coat, carrying a bloody mary.)
KAREN: Good lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?
JACK: Well, well, well. Nice of you to show. The race ended a half hour ago. Mason paged me 'cause you weren't here.
CHERYL: Mrs. Walker? Cheryl Bricker-Fossberg, Taylor and Hayden's mom.
KAREN: I have no idea what you just said.
CHERYL: I just want you to know I think you're awful. Your son Mason swam his heart out today, and all he wanted to do was share that joy with his family, but when he looked up in the bleachers for a familiar face, nothing. Not even a housekeeper. I find that appalling. [CHERYL TURNS AWAY]
KAREN: Oh, yeah? Well, I find stretch pants appalling, but I'm too much of a lady to mention it, fat ass. [TO JACK] Could you believe that? [SCOFFS] Some people, so tactless.
JACK: Yes, I can.
KAREN: What?
JACK: Mason was crushed that you weren't here today.
KAREN: What are you talking about? He couldn't care less.
JACK: Really? Then how come after the meet, while I was coming up with excuses why you weren't here, Mason looked at me and said, "I know why she's not here. She doesn't like me."
KAREN: What? Honey, did he really say that?
JACK: Yes, he did.
[JACK'S BEEPER BEEPS.]
JACK: Oh. Dr. Dangerous just put in a higher bid. He thinks he's gonna get Britney's platform sneaks. Yeah. Over my drop-dead gorgeous body!
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are arrinving home from their day at Sandra Bernhard's.)
GRACE: [GIGGLING] Ok, so I'm just gonna say it. Life is so much better when you're hanging out with a celebrity.
WILL: Did you notice how many times Sandra Bernhard came over to talk to me?
GRACE: Did you notice that you only refer to her as Sandra Bernhard?
WILL: Yeah. I know. It's a thing between me and Sandra Bernhard.
GRACE: So, you two looked pretty chummy out on the balcony. What were you talking about?
WILL: Things you talk to your friends about.
GRACE: Pooping?
WILL: My other friend.
[WILL HITS THE PLAY BUTTON ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE.]
SANDRA [VOICE]: [BEEP] Hey, kids. It's Sandra. That's Sandra Bernhard to you, Will. Guess what? Doodle-lee-dee. I'm accepting your offer. Congratulations, kids. You just bought yourselves an apartment.
GRACE: You made an offer on her apartment?
WILL: I didn't want it to be over, you know? I wanted to stay friends with her, so I made a ridiculous lowball offer.
GRACE: How low?
WILL: A million dollars, but I never thought she'd accept it.
GRACE: Well, she did, and now we're in escrow for a million dollar apartment. Now, what do you have to say to that, Mr. Lowball?
WILL: Oh. Oh. Oh. First I have an undescended testicle, and now I'm Mr. Lowball. Make up your mind!
GRACE: Ok. Ok. You didn't sign anything, right?
WILL: I may have.
GRACE: You didn't put my name on it, right?
WILL: May have.
GRACE: Aah! Will! I have $100 in my bank account, and 75 of that is earmarked for a Belgian wax tomorrow.
WILL: What's a Belgian wax?
GRACE: Just a plain old wax, but it hurts so much, I treat myself to a waffle afterwards. Ok. You are gonna tell her tomorrow.
WILL: Oh, no, no, no. No. Tomorrow's the kabalah brunch. She's making kugel.
GRACE: Have you been eating my makeup?! Will, this lie is so big, it involves paperwork and a notary.
WILL: We get to be friends with a celebrity.
GRACE: What?! Will, you are no longer Billy Truman, the chubby, shiny kid on the playground that none of the cool kids want to play with.
WILL: Hey. Hey. I was not chubby, ok? Tuffskins are just very boxy.
GRACE: You do not need to buy an apartment to get someone to like you.
WILL: I think I do.
SCENE VII: Sandra Bernhard's Apartment
(SANDRA is rehearsing her show with her pianist, MITCHIE.)
SANDRA: Ahh, thank you. Applause, applause. Some queens throw me some tacky roses, and then we segue seamlessly into "Midnight Train."
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
SANDRA: Come in.
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER.]
SANDRA: Hi, kids.
WILL: Hi, Sandra Bernhard.
GRACE: Sandra, Will has something really important to tell you.
WILL: That's right. I do.
SANDRA: Do you want to just hang out for a minute? 'Cause I'm just wrapping things up with Mitchie, and I'm paying him by the hour, you know? [TO MITCHIE] Um, honey, why don't we take it from the top?
[MITCHIE BEGINS PLAYING "MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO GEORGIA" ON THE PIANO.]
SANDRA: [SINGING] L.A. grew too much for the man
MITCHIE: [SINGING] Too much for the man
SANDRA: [SINGING] He couldn't take it, so he's leaving the life he's come to know; He said he's leaving-- [SANDRA PUTS THE MICROPHONE IN WILL'S FACE.]
WILL: Leaving...
SANDRA: [SINGING] On that midnight train to Georgia
WILL: [SINGING] Leaving on the midnight train
SANDRA: That's right, y'all. Uh-huh. [SINGING] Said he's going back to find--
GRACE: Sandra--
[SANDRA PUTS THE MICROPHONE IN GRACE'S FACE.]
GRACE: [SINGING] Going back to find
SANDRA: [SINGING] A simpler place and time
GRACE: [SINGING] Whenever he takes that ride, guess who's gonna be right by his side?
[GRACE GRABS THE MICROPHONE FROM SANDRA]
GRACE: I'll be with him--
SANDRA: I know you will.
GRACE: [SINGING] On that midnight train to Georgia
SANDRA AND WILL: [SINGING] Leaving on the midnight train, oh
SANDRA, GRACE, AND WILL: [IMITATING TRAIN] Whoo hoo!
GRACE: [SINGING] I'd rather live in his world
WILL: [SINGING] Live in his world
GRACE: [SINGING] Than live without him in mine
SANDRA: [SINGING] My world is his
GRACE: [SINGING] Is his
SANDRA AND WILL: [SINGING] His and hers alone
GRACE: [SINGING] All aboard
SANDRA AND WILL: [SINGING] All aboard
GRACE: [SINGING] All aboard
SANDRA AND WILL: [SINGING] All aboard the midnight train
GRACE: [SINGING, LOUDLY] I've got to go! I've got to go! I've got to go! I've got to go--
[GRACE REALIZES THAT EVERYONE HAS STOPPED AND IS STARING AT HER.]
SANDRA: Honey, you're really good. You know what? I want you to come by the Bottom Line tonight. I'm gonna drag you up on stage with me.
GRACE: No. No way. No. I couldn't do that. What time do you want me there?
SANDRA: 7:00'll be good.
[GRACE GIGGLES]
SANDRA: Now, you guys had something really important you wanted to talk to me about?
WILL: Yeah. We really can't--
GRACE: Live without this marble phallus, so I hope it comes with it.
SCENE VIII: The Pool
(JACK wheels in on the scooter, parks it, then pushes his way through the crowd to sit down.)
JACK: Excuse me. Pardon me. You're looking good. I'm looking better.
[JACK NOTICES KAREN IS ALREADY HERE; SHE'S SITTING DOWN, WITH A DRINK IN A RED CUP.]
JACK: Karen, you're here.
KAREN: Of course I'm here. Mason's swimming. Don't make a whole gay parade out of it.
JACK: Well, I'm glad you're here. The auction's about to end, and you get to see me squash Dr. Dangerous like a wormy apple. [JACK PULLS OUT HIS ONLINE BEEPER.] Take that!
[JACK'S BEEPER BEEPS.]
JACK: What? Damn it. [JACK PRESSES A BUTTON ON HIS BEEPER.]
[ANOTHER BEEPER BEEPS.]
GIRL: What? Damn it!
[JACK SLOWLY STANDS UP. A YOUNG GIRL ACROSS THE AISLE STANDS UP. THEY LOOK EACH OTHER UP AND DOWN.]
JACK: Dr. Dangerous?
GIRL: Hotsy-totsy?
JACK: We're taking this outside.
[JACK AND THE GIRL EXIT.]
[THE STARTER GUN FIRES. THE RACE BEGINS.]
KAREN: Aah! Go! Go, honey! Swim! Swim! I know you can do it! Hey. Hey. If you win tonight, I'll let you watch the Spice Channel. [TO THE MOM STANDING NEXT TO HER] That lit a fire under the horny little monkey, didn't it? Whoo! Come on, honey! You can do it! Swim! Swim!
[A WHISTLE BLOWS]
KAREN: What? What? What happened? What happened?
MOM #1: Well, the boy on the end won.
KAREN: What? Well, what happened to my Mason?
MOM #1: Well, he started off strong, but he faded.
KAREN: Yeah? Well, the bloom's off your rose, too, honey. Mason, honey, I'm coming. Mommy's coming. [KAREN WORKS HER WAY DOWN TOWARDS THE POOL.] It's just gonna take me a minute. I got my $700 custom-made shoes on. Ok.
[SNOBBY MOM CHERYL BRICKER-FOSSBERG STOPS KAREN.]
CHERYL: [TO KAREN] Don't you think it's a little inappropriate to be holding a cup full of liquor at your child's swim meet?
KAREN: Well, honey, when you're right, you're right.
[KAREN FINISHES OFF THE DRINK AND GIVES THE EMPTY CUP TO CHERYL.]
KAREN: It's not full anymore, is it, honey? Ha ha ha!
[KAREN FINALLY MAKES HER WAY TO MASON, A SLIGHTLY CHUBBY KID WHO IS WET, WEARING SWIMMING GOGGLES, AND DRYING OFF WITH A TOWEL.]
KAREN: Mason! Mason. Oh. Oh, honey. I was here the whole time. I saw the whole thing, and you did great. Um, listen. I'm, uh, I'm not very good at this kind of thing-- Sit down. Sit down, honey-- But I am so very proud of you. I probably don't tell you often enough, but I do care about you. As a matter of fact, you're the best little boy any mom could have, and if you think that I don't like you, you're wrong. I love you. Come on. Give me a little hug. [KAREN HUGS HIM.] Oh, there you go. That's a good boy.
[JACK ENTERS... HIS SHIRT IS RIPPED AND HE HAS A BLACK EYE.]
JACK: [YELLING OFF-SCREEN] Yeah?! I don't want those stupid sneakers anyway!
KAREN: [TO JACK] Honey, what happened to you?
JACK: This online auction thing can get pretty ugly. What's going on?
KAREN: Well, you didn't think I'd miss a chance to give my little tadpole the love and encouragement he deserves. Hell, no. [TO MASON] Right, honey? Hmm?
JACK: Oh, that's beautiful. [POINTING TO MASON] Who's that?
KAREN: Honey, it's Mason!
JACK: No, it's not. That's Mason. [JACK TURNS KAREN'S HEAD TOWARDS THE POOL AND POINTS.]
KAREN: What? Well, how the hell am I supposed to know what they look like wet? [TO FAKE MASON, RE: HER BLOUSE] This was silk!
[KAREN PUSHES FAKE MASON INTO THE SWIMMING POOL.]
KAREN: Mason, talk to that kid. He's got some lovely words for you. Ok. Good night.
SCENE IX: Sandra Bernhard's Apartment
(SANDRA and MITCHIE are upstairs. WILL and GRACE are waiting for them.)
GRACE: Oh, I feel like I should call people and let them know I'm performing.
WILL: I feel that you should call people to let them know you're crazy. We came here to tell her we're not taking the apartment. It was your idea. You forced me to come here to do this.
GRACE: Um, that was before I was singing.
WILL: Grace.
GRACE: Ok.
[SANDRA AND MITCHIE MAKE THEIR WAY DOWNSTAIRS.]
SANDRA: Mitchie?
MITCHIE: What?
SANDRA: Honey, I'm in a festive mood. Why don't you throw together a batch of your world-famous smoothies?
MITCHIE: Coming up.
[MITCHIE GOES TO THE BAR AND BEGINS LOADING THE BLENDER.]
SANDRA: Ok. [TO WILL AND GRACE] Kids, can I just talk to you for a minute? I mean, I don't want to get all sentimental on your asses, but, you know, I just want to thank you for keeping it real with me. I just feel such an amazing spiritual connection with you.
WILL: Sandra Bernhard, I know you're gonna understand this. Uh... [NERVOUS] Ha! We're not gonna take the apartment.
GRACE: We got a little carried away.
WILL: Actually, we weren't even looking. [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
GRACE: Yeah. I mean, we just wanted to be friends with you, and now we are, so, great. Let's just-- I'll go meet you at the show.
SANDRA: You what?! You motherf-- [BLENDER GRINDS LOUDLY]. Who the-- [BLENDER GRINDS LOUDLY] think you're dealing with? Wasting my time like this. I'm a-- [BLENDER GRINDS LOUDLY] damned movie star.
GRACE: Look, I know this looks bad, but we have a spiritual connection. I mean, remember? You even said it yourself.
SANDRA: Spiritual connection? [BLENDER GRINDS LOUDLY] the spiritual connection. I don't even know you two. You think I would hang out with you Dharma and Greg-looking motherf-- [BLENDER GRINDS LOUDLY] if I didn't have to unload this piece of-- [BLENDER GRINDS LOUDLY] apartment? I just got back from Morocco with Julianne Moore and Deepak-- [BLENDER GRINDS LOUDLY] Chopra.
WILL: Ok, I'm sorry. I only did this--
SANDRA: Oh, honey, lady, look, save it. I know why you did it. 'Cause you were the pimply, skinny kid on the playground that no other kids would play with.
GRACE: Hey, hey, hey, hey. That is not true! He was fat and shiny, and he had plenty of friends-- A janitor and a girl with a small leg. So, why don't you think twice before you start throwing-- [BLENDER GRINDS LOUDLY] names around? Now, am I gonna sing at the Bottom Line tonight or not? Because I should be [WHISPERING] saving my voice.
SANDRA: Sweetie, if I wanted your sound in the show, I'd strangle a couple of cats.
SCENE X: The Hallway outside Sandra Bernhard's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE exit Sandra's apartment into the hall.)
WILL: That was totally humiliating.
GRACE: Chasing celebrities around? Who are we?
WILL: We're shallow. That's who we are.
GRACE: Never again.
REALTOR: [PEEKING OUT THE DOOR ACROSS FROM SANDRA'S] Hi. I'm from Duffy Realty. Are you here to see Uma and Ethan's place?
GRACE AND GRACE: [TOGETHER] Yes. Yes, we are.