Episode #3.08
Original Airdate 11/23/2000
Written by Jeff Greenstein
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
GUEST CAST
Debbie Reynolds (Bobbi Adler)
Tom Gallop (Rob)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
Ever Carradine (Pam)
Sara Rue (Joyce Adler)
Neil Vipond (Julius)
Raymond Forchion (Clayton)
Michael D. Trail (Guy)
Scott Berman (Dontonio)
Martina Navratilova (Herself)
SCENE: A Restaurant
(GRACE, JACK, and KAREN are in the waiting area as WILL arrives with bad news.)
WILL: All right, bad news. Hostess says it'll be at least 45 minutes for a table.
JACK: Did you tell 'em you were with the star of Jack 2000, soon to be Jack 2001?
WILL: Yes, I did. And she gave me a similar hand gesture, but with a different finger. Maybe we should do this another night.
GRACE: [HIGH-PITCHED] Nooooo.
WILL: Sweetie, we talked about that sound.
GRACE: [HIGH-PITCHED] I knoooowww. But we're all leaving tomorrow. I want us to have dinner together before Thanksgiving.
KAREN: You mean tonight isn't thanksgiving? Oh, crap. Now I have to spend all day tomorrow, watching Stan gorge himself on thighs and breasts... and turkey. Well, if we have to wait, um, why don't I get a bottle of champagne?
WILL: That's a nice idea.
KAREN: What would you guys like?
[KAREN MOVES TOWARDS THE BAR. PAM IS SITTING AT THE BAR CRYING.]
PAM: [SNIFFLING] Can I have another one of those, only bigger?
KAREN: Oh, tears, booze... I love the holidays, too.
PAM: Do you think that men can't be trusted?
KAREN: Honey, I've always said, if your genitals are on the outside, you're hiding something on the inside.
GRACE: [TO PAM] I should warn you. Further conversation with her will only lead to more tears. Are you ok?
PAM: I'm fine.
WILL: Grace, leave her alone. She obviously doesn't want to talk.
PAM: It's my boyfriend, Tom. I mean, I don't know what happened. You know, just when things started to get kinda serious, he starts to pull away.
WILL/JACK/GRACE/KAREN [ALL TOGETHER]: Aww.
PAM: Which is so weird because we have so much in common, like, we're both dance majors...
WILL/JACK/GRACE/KAREN [ALL TOGETHER]: Uh-oh.
PAM: We both know all the songs from "The Wiz"--
WILL/JACK/GRACE/KAREN [ALL TOGETHER]: [INHALING] Sss...
PAM: And we both collect Victorian dolls.
WILL/JACK/GRACE/KAREN [ALL TOGETHER]: [GROANING] Ooh...
JACK: What's your name, dear?
PAM: Pam.
JACK: Pam. Hi, I'm Jack McFarland, of course. Come, join our little circle of love and dysfunction. [INTRODUCES KAREN] This is Karen Walker. [INTRODUCES WILL] This is Will Truman right here. [INTRODUCES GRACE] And this is your sorry ass future, if you don't dump that boyfriend of yours.
GRACE: Jack! I-- Will, defend me.
WILL: [LAMELY] Come on, man.
JACK: Yeah, guys, our little Pammy's in pickle. And, uh, shouldn't we help her find her way back to a place called hope?
KAREN: Honey, she's wearing synthetic plaid. It's a 4-day drive and a boat trip to a place called hope.
PAM: What are you talking about?
JACK: Well, I think you need to hear a little story about when these two were dating. Or as I like to call it, "When Mary Met Sally."
WILL: Jack...
GRACE: No. No. You are not telling that story. It was an incredibly difficult time in my life, and this is not the time or the place. [TO PAM] The year was 1985. My freshman year in college...
[CUT TO 1985: COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, WILL & ROB'S DORM ROOM. MADONNA'S "CRAZY FOR YOU" IS PLAYING AND PEOPLE ARE DANCING. WILL AND GRACE, AND THEIR FRIENDS ROB AND ELLEN ARE DRESSED IN MID-80'S FASHION.]
ROB: [TO ELLEN] I am so into you.
GUY: [TO A GIRL] I am so into you.
WILL: [TO GRACE] I am so into those earrings.
GRACE: Aren't they great? Someone really cute and sexy who smells like Paco Rabanne left them under my pillow.
WILL: Really? Who could have done that?
GRACE: I don't know, maybe the earring fairy.
WILL: [NERVOUS] Ha ha ha.
ROB: Will, help me pump the keg.
[DURAN DURAN'S "UNION OF THE SNAKE" PLAYS.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] Be right back.
[WILL GOES TO HELP ROB WITH THE KEG.]
ROB: So, um, ahem, Ellen didn't know... But she just accidentally brushed her hand up against my unit.
WILL: Cool. Hey, Rob, tell me, does my butt look huge in these jeans?
ROB: I don't know.
WILL: No, seriously, am I shaped like a pear?
ROB: Dude, I'm a guy, I don't know. Just get some pants that fit and leave me alone. So, uh, this is the big weekend, huh? You going to her house for Thanksgiving?
WILL: Oh, yeah.
ROB: It is a scientific fact that college girls love getting it on in their folks' house. You have nailed her, haven't you?
WILL: Oh, please! Huh. I've not only nailed her, I--I've sanded, buffed, stained and spackled her.
[CUT TO GRACE AND ELLEN]
ELLEN: Ok, what do you mean you and Will have never done it?
GRACE: Well, he wants to take it slow, and I see his point. I mean, we're soul mates, so there's no rush.
WILL: Yeah, I taught her a few things. Let me tell you my friend, she's an excellent student.
GRACE: Like he taught me how to scrunch my hair to keep the curl.
WILL: You know me, nothing I love more than sex. Wi-wi-with a woman.
GRACE: And he's so handsome. He reminds me of those old Hollywood movie stars, like Rock Hudson or Montgomery Clift.
ELLEN: Ok, fine. Do what you want. Just afraid you're gonna miss your window.
GRACE: [LAUGHING] Oh, please. [SNORTS] Don't be insane. What window?
ELLEN: Ok, you know my psych professor, Dr. Bonami, he says if you don't do it with a guy right away, you just end up as friends.
GRACE: Did he really say that?
ELLEN: Yeah.
WILL: Do you-- Do you really think if you're-- Friends... I would die if that happened. I mean, who wants a guy as a friend?
ELLEN: Uh, thank you.
GRACE: If I want to take this relationship to the next level, we have to make love soon. Like this weekend.
ELLEN: Don't say, "make love". It sounds, like, totally gay.
GUY: Yo, beer's gone.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Bye, sweetie. I'm gonna pack.
WILL: Bye.
[EVERYONE LEAVES, EXCEPT FOR WILL.]
WILL: That's ok, I'll clean up.
[WILL OPENS THE CLOSET. JACK McFARLAND IS INSIDE, GOING THROUGH WILL'S CLOTHES.]
JACK: Hi.
WILL: What are you doing in the closet?
JACK: I could ask the same of you.
WILL: What?! Who are you?
JACK: Oh, how quickly they forget. We met at Matt Stokes' party. My card. [HANDS WILL A BUSINESS CARD.]
WILL: [READING CARD] "Jack McFarland. Since 1969." What are you even doing here? Aren't you in high school?
JACK: Well, I prefer the college parties 'cause the fellas tend to be less uptight about their homosesuality.
WILL: Oh, yeah, now I remember you. You were the one going around telling everybody you were in Duran Duran.
JACK: Yeah, that's right. That's right. Yeah.
WILL: Oh, a-and you think everybody's gay.
JACK: No, not everybody, just me... And you and a dog named Boo. [LAUGHS] Ha ha!
WILL: Hey, hey. Heh. I'm not gay.
JACK: Well, this well-worn copy of the "Dreamgirls" soundtrack begs to differ.
WILL: How would you like it if I kicked your ass?
JACK: That depends on the spirit on which it is delivered. [JACK SWATS WILL'S BUTT.]
WILL: Hey hey hey! Gimme my clothes and get outta here. I've gotta pack.
JACK: Oh. Where you off to, Captain Crumbcake?
WILL: Not that it's any of your business, but I'm going away for the weekend with my girlfriend.
JACK: [LAUGHING] Yeah, me, too. What's his name?
WILL: Her name is Grace.
JACK: Have you two had what the straights call "intercourse" yet?
WILL: Yes. A lot. Tons of times.
JACK: Hmm. Well, I stand corrected. Yet, as I sit, you become a liar again. How 'bout that? Bet you every time she wants to, you have some kind of excuse like, [MOCKING] "I respect you." "We'll do it next weekend, I promise." Lend me 20 bucks.
WILL: What?
JACK: Well, the last part was for me. Come on, I'm good for it.
WILL: Ok. Out you go. We're done. Janet and Chrissy are waiting for you at the Regal Beagle.
[WILL ESCORTS JACK TO THE DOOR.]
JACK: All right, ok, fine I'm leaving. You have my card. Call me when you get tired of all this, and want to talk about it. Oh, and one more thing, burn those jeans, your ass looks huge.
[CUT TO THE PRESENT.]
JACK: [LOOKING AT WILL] Some things never change.
PAM: My boyfriend has a rock hard butt. Then again, he spends all his time in aerobics class.
All: [GROANING] Ooh.
PAM: Anyway, what does this have to do with Tom and me?
KAREN: Let me shorthand it for you, honey.
[CUT TO A DISCO, 1985. KAREN IS DANCING WITH AN ARABIAN SULTAN TO POWER STATION'S "SOME LIKE IT HOT".]
[CUT TO THE PRESENT.]
GRACE: The Sultan of Boran?
WILL: What does that have to do w--
KAREN: Your story was boring.
GRACE: Anyway, after my little talk with Ellen, I decided that it had to be that weekend. So, we took a train up to my parent's house in Schenectady, where Will learned the answer to that age-old question, "What ever did happen to Baby Jane?"
[CUT TO 1985: THE ADLER HOUSE. BOBBI IS SINGING AND DANCING LAURA BRANIGAN'S "GLORIA" WHILE JULIUS PLAYS THE PIANO.]
BOBBI: [SINGING] Gloria, Gloria. I think they got your number, Gloria. I think I got your alias, Gloria and you been living under, ahaaaaa--
GRACE: Mom!
BOBBI: [SINGING] Aaaahhhh, whoo!
GRACE: Hi, mom. Hi, Julius.
BOBBI: Honey, you're home. Grace, I always forget how beautiful you are.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Mom giveth.
BOBBI: Why do you have to cock it up with that hair?
GRACE: [TO WILL] And Mom taketh away.
BOBBI: You must be Will. Lovely to meet you.
WILL: Nice to meet you, Mrs. Adler. You have a beautiful home. Your interior decorator did a great job.
BOBBI: Oh, no no no no. I did it myself.
WILL: No! It looks so professional.
BOBBI: Oh, aren't you a darling?
WILL: [TO GRACE] Your mom's good.
GRACE: No, you're good.
BOBBI: Say hello to Julius, my arranger.
WILL: Hi.
JULIUS: Hell-ooh. [JULIUS AND WILL SHAKE HANDS. JULIAN DOESN'T LET GO.]
BOBBI: So, Julius, what do we think about Will?
JULIUS: I think where there's a Will, there's a way. [WILL PULLS HIS HAND AWAY.]
BOBBI: Isn't he clever? Why some woman has never snatched him up is beyond me.
GRACE: Where's daddy?
BOBBI: Uh, he's in Connecticut. Grandma Rose threatened to die. [YELLING UP THE STAIRS] Joyce, your sister's here!
JOYCE: [OFF SCREEN] Big whup!
BOBBI: [YELLING UP THE STAIRS] You get down here or I'll knock you till Tuesday! [TO WILL] Would you like a little juice?
WILL: I'm fine, thanks.
[GRACE'S YOUNGER SISTER, JOYCE ADLER, RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS.]
GRACE: Hi, Joyce.
JOYCE: Don't you be all nice just 'cause your boyfriend's here. I know that you stole my poncho, you skank.
GRACE: I wouldn't touch that poncho. You blew chunks all over it that time at Playland.
WILL: Uh, Joyce, hi. I-I'm Will. Grace showed me that drawing of a unicorn you did at, uh, Camp Yes-I-Can. Yeah, it was beautiful. I wish I could draw like that.
JOYCE: It's no big deal. [GIGGLES AND SIGHS]
WILL: You've an older sister don't you? Janet?
GRACE/JOYCE/BOBBI: [ALL TOGETHER] No.
BOBBI: Why don't you two go on upstairs and put your things down. Joyce, you'll stay down here. Will, you'll stay in Joyce's room. Grace, you'll stay in your room.
GRACE: What? No, Will's gonna sleep in my bedroom with me.
BOBBI: No, no, no, he isn't.
WILL: Grace, it--it's fine.
GRACE: [HIGH-PITCHED] Nooooo! Nooooo! Mom, you can't do that. This is so unfair.
BOBBI: Well, so's my cottage cheese ass, but...
GRACE: Why is that always your answer for everything? Will and I are adults. We've been going out for nearly three months now, and I think that we should have--
BOBBI: Grace, we only have two rules in this house. Number one: boys and girls don't sleep in the same bedroom, unless they're married. And Will, always light matches in the bathroom after poopie-doos.
WILL: I guess that would be number two.
[CUT TO THE PRESENT.]
WILL: So, then, we have dinner, and we look at a zillion pictures of a nude 2-year-old Grace riding the family dog.
KAREN: [LOOKING OFF SCREEN] Oh, you like that do ya? Well, maybe you'd like a little of this, huh? [KAREN PULLS DOWN HER BLOUSE, EXPOSING CLEAVAGE!] Yeah, you do, don't ya? Huh, huh?
GRACE: Karen, what are you do-- Are you-- Are you flashing that woman?!
KAREN: She started it.
GRACE: She's nursing.
KAREN: Hmm. That explains the little bald man.
WILL: Anyway, later that night, I'm getting ready for bed, I figure, now I'm safe.
[CUT TO 1985: THE ADLER HOUSE, JOYCE'S BEDROOM. WILL IS GETTING READY FOR BED; WHEN HE PULLS THE COVERS BACK, GRACE POPS OUT.]
WILL: Aahh! What--what...
GRACE: Shh. Shh. Relax.
WILL: What are you doing here?
GRACE: Nothing.
WILL: Wha--you shouldn't be here, you know. We're gonna get in trouble.
GRACE: Not if we're quiet. But if you play your cards right, I might not be.
WILL: What are you suggesting?
GRACE: Well, you, me... A bed... I thought that we might... [LAUGHS] Don't make me say it. [GRACE GRABS WILL AND KISSES HIM.]
WILL: Grace, I don't know.
GRACE: Mmm. Come on. What are we waiting for?
WILL: Well, I'm just-- I'm kind of tired. All that turkey... Made me sleepy. [YAWNS AND STRETCHES.]
GRACE: Really? 'Cause it made me horny.
[WILL RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM.]
[GRACE KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.]
WILL: J-J-Just a sec.
GRACE: [OFF SCREEN] But I said I was horny.
WILL: Just a minute, I--I think those new potatoes weren't so new.
GRACE: [OFF SCREEN] Oh, poor baby. The matches are under the macramé turtle.
WILL: Thank you.
[WILL TAKES JACK'S CARD FROM HIS JACKET POCKET AND CALLS JACK.]
[CUT TO THE MCFARLAND HOUSE, JACK'S BEDROOM. JACK IS SITTING ON HIS BED EATING CHICKEN WINGS.]
[TELEPHONE RING]
[RING]
JACK: [YELLING] Mom, phone!
[RING]
JACK: [YELLING] Mom!
[RING]
JACK: [ANSWERING PHONE] Su-su-sussudio.
WILL: Hi, Jack, it's-- it's Will Truman.
JACK: Oh, right, from Queens College?
WILL: No, I go to Columbia.
JACK: Missy, anywhere you go is Queens College.
WILL: Yeah, oh-- You know what? That-- That's why I called. You know, what you said really bugged me. I am not gay.
JACK: Ha ha ha! [CHOKES. A PIECE OF CHICKEN FALLS OUT OF HIS MOUTH.] Mom! There's chicken on the rug!
WILL: I was saying... That you--you know nothing about me, because if you did know me, you would know that-- that--
JACK: That what?
WILL: That I love you, Jack. I've always loved you... From the moment I laid eyes on you--
[CUT TO THE PRESENT]
WILL: I never said that! You see what happens when I let you tell the story?
JACK: Well, if I had let you tell it, you would've left out the chicken.
WILL: What really happened was...
[CUT BACK TO 1985, BETWEEN JOYCE'S BATHROOM AND JACK'S BEDROOM.]
WILL: I'm saying you know nothing about me, because if you did know me, you would know that I'm not gay.
JACK: [SNIFFS] Oh, yeah. Now I get it. Ahem. You're in stage 3-- You've bought the short shorts, but you're afraid to put 'em on. Yeah, put 'em on, Will. Come on. Put 'em on.
WILL: Would you stop? Stop saying that. Ok? I am not--
JACK: You're gay, Will! Ok? You're gayer than the day is long. You're Marvin Gaye. And let me tell you somethin'-- Ain't no closet big enough.
WILL: This-- this is ludicrous. I mean, we spent all of four minutes together. JACK: Yeah, and in the first four seconds, I could tell that you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders... And about 20 extra pounds on your hips. Ha! And why wouldn't you? It's a drag pretending to be something you're not.
WILL: Yeah, if I'm pretending, then how come I can't wait to get back in there and have sex with my girlfriend?
JACK: Well, if you can't wait to get back in there and make muskrat love to your girlfriend, then why are you on the phone with me? Yeah, that's what I thought. You're my new best friend. Call me every five minutes.
[JACK HANGS UP]
[CUT TO THE BEDROOM. GRACE IS LOOKING IN A MIRROR, PICKING AT HER FACE.]
GRACE: Crap. Why today?
[WILL EXITS THE BATHROOM]
GRACE: Hi, I was starting to get worried about-- What-- What-- What's with you?
WILL: Let's have some sex. [WILL GRABS GRACE AND THEY FALL ONTO THE BED.]
GRACE: Aah! Aah! Ha ha ha!
[CUT TO A DISCO. KAREN IS STILL DANCING TO POWER STATION'S "SOME LIKE IT HOT."]
ROBERT PALMER: Feel the heat. Pushing you to decide--
[CUT TO THE PRESENT]
GRACE: Enough already!
WILL: Shut up!
KAREN: You were losin' her. I had to do somethin'. But you know, for a sultan, dude knew how to party. Later we did Jell-O shots with one of the guys from Hall and Oates.
JACK: Hall?
KAREN: Oates.
JACK: [GROANING] Oh.
KAREN: Back to my story.
[CUT BACK TO THE DISCO. KAREN IS STILL DANCING NON-STOP WITH THE SULTAN.]
KAREN: Honey, I've got some bad news. As much as I would love to be Mrs. Habibi Shoshani Padush Al-Kabir, I'm afraid I can't marry you.
SULTAN: Why?
KAREN: I'm just not in love with you. I'm in love with another man. Sure, he hasn't got your money, but I really think that with my help, we can make it work.
SULTAN: Just come back to my house in Fort Lee and make love with me one more time.
KAREN: Sorry, sultan. Save the tow. It's midnight at the oasis. Send your camel to bed. Listen, honey, I'm a little emotionally drained. I think I'm just gonna go home and cry myself to sleep.
CLAYTON: Karen, where have you been? I've been lookin' all over for you, baby.
KAREN: Oh, Clayton, I got some bad news. I can't marry you. I'm in love with another man.
CLAYTON: But does he have my moxie? Can he make love to you all night long?
KAREN: Well, the way he does it, he makes it feel like it's all night long, but I really think with my help, we can make it work.
CLAYTON: Karen, I don't know what to say. I'll never meet another woman like you.
KAREN: Oh... That's so true. Listen, honey. I'm emotionally drained. I think I'm just gonna go home and cry myself to sleep.
[KAREN DANCES AWAY FROM CLAYTON AND BUMPS INTO MARTINA NAVRATILOVA.]
KAREN: Oh, Martina.
MARTINA: Karen, where have you been? I've missed you.
KAREN: Oh, honey, listen. I've got some bad news. I can't marry you. I'm in love with someone else.
MARTINA: But, Karen, I was straight before I met you.
KAREN: Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles, Marti.
MARTINA: Well, then who? And can she give you what I give you?
KAREN: You mean companionship, vitality, a sneaky drop shot? No, no. No, he's a doughy thing with squat little legs and a bad case of recurring psoriasis, but... I love him, and with my help... Oh! Who am I kidding? I just love him. Who knows why? I love Stanley Walker!
[CUT TO THE PRESENT.]
KAREN: Now that's a story! Ha ha!
PAM: So Will comes back from the bathroom...
GRACE: Right. So, Will comes out of the bathroom. We start getting into it. I take the lead, because you know, I've done it 3 1/2 times.
[CUT BACK TO 1985]
WILL: Mmm.
GRACE: Ow, ow, ow. You're on my hair.
WILL: Oh, sorry.
GRACE: Mmm, you feel so--
WILL: Ow, ow, ow! You're on my hair.
GRACE: Sorry. Sorry. Ow! Oh!
WILL: Shh! Shh! Shh!
GRACE: You just elbowed me in the eye.
WILL: I'm sorry. Sorry.
GRACE: Ok.
WILL: Just let me... Damn. Let me... Ok. Ow!
GRACE: Ow! Aw! Oh! Ok, that's it. We're done with foreplay. Come here.
[GRACE STRADDLES WILL]
WILL: [NOTICING A POSTER OF KEVIN BACON] Oh...
GRACE: Oh. Oh.
WILL: Yeah. [NOTICES THAT HIS HAND IS ON GRACE'S BREAST] Aah! Stop! Stop!
GRACE: What? What?
WILL: Stop.
GRACE: Are you ok?
WILL: Yeah. I---I think we should wait.
GRACE: [HIGH-PITCHED] Noooo!
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: Why?
WILL: Are we ready? This is a really big step, and I just-- I don't want to-- I want it to be right. I don't want to rush into it.
GRACE: Oh, my God. Are you-- You are.
WILL: What?
GRACE: I mean, I sort of suspected it. I mean, it certainly would explain a lot of--
WILL: Oh, no, no! Oh, no!
GRACE: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's ok. You don't have to feel bad. My dad was one all through the army.
WILL: He-- What?
GRACE: You're a virgin.
WILL: Virgin, yes. No! Oh, no! No, no, no, no. I'm definitely not a virgin. In fact, uh... I've been known to be something of a lady man--Ladies man! Ladies man. Ha. A man! You know. Yeah.
GRACE: Well...well, then why are we waiting?
WILL: Because.
GRACE: But why?
WILL: Because I love you.
GRACE: Oh, my God. You are so sweet. That's so like you to say it first. I love you, too.
WILL: [GRACE KISSES WILL] Mmm.
GRACE: Ok, I have to have you right now. [GRACE LUNGES.]
WILL: Whoa! No! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hold--hold--hold! Didn't you hear me? I--I--I love you.
GRACE: Yeah, yeah. Love you, too. Let's go.
WILL: Grace, Grace!
GRACE: What?
WILL: Grace, just-- God! God! I think we really, really should wait.
GRACE: What? Oh, but why? I mean, what are we doing? Are we waiting till we're married?
WILL: Yes! Let's get married!
GRACE: What?
WILL: Let's get married and let's wait till we get married. You want to get married?
GRACE: Oh! Oh, my god! Will. Yes, I will marry you, Will Truman. Ha ha!
WILL: Well... Well, great!
[CUT TO PRESENT.]
PAM: You asked Grace to marry you?
WILL: I panicked. It was either that or have sex with her. I mean, God! Put yourself in my-- Ok.
KAREN: Will, you know what I think your problem was? I think you were afraid of loving yourself. Where the hell did that come from? Can you see me?
GRACE: Anyway, the moment I said yes, he turned two shades of green and ran into the bathroom, which I found incredibly romantic, because my father did the exact same thing after he proposed to my mom.
WILL: So I'm in there for, like, 20 minutes. So I come up with a perfect plan.
[CUT TO 1985]
WILL: [EXITING THE BATHROOM] Grace, I've been-- I've been-- Grace?
[WILL GOES DOWNSTAIRS]
[PEOPLE SINGING] I'm getting married in the morning ding dong, the bells are gonna chime, pull out the stopper, we'll have a whopper and get me to the shul on time.
[ALL LAUGHING]
JOYCE: Will!
JULIUS: Oh, there he is! Congratulations!
BOBBI: Welcome to the family, son. I want her knocked up by spring.
GRACE: Mom! Ha ha!
WILL: Grace, we, uh, we need to talk.
JULIUS: Congratulations.
WILL: Thank you.
JULIUS: I've been engaged twice.
WILL: Yeah. Grace...
BOBBI: Will, come on, come on. Meet everybody. Meet the mishpokhe. This is Aunt Ida, diabetic; Uncle Coppy, gambler. Aunt Reba and Uncle Joe-- colitis, colitis.
WILL: [TO GRACE] If I could have one moment.
BOBBI: Oh, moment shmoment. Give your new mother a big kiss right on the lips. [BOBBI KISSES WILL]
WILL: Wh-- yeah. That was uncomfortable.
JOYCE: Now give your new sister a kiss right on the lips. Here. Hold this. [JOYCE HANDS HER RETAINER TO BOBBI]
WILL: Oh, no, no, no, no! Stop. Stop. Everybody stop.
BOBBI: We need champagne. More champagne.
WILL: Yes. I'll go. Let me get that. In fact... We'll get that.
GRACE: [SQUEALS] We'll get that.
GRACE: Ok. When we get married, I'm not only gonna take your name, I'm gonna take your family, too. Ha ha ha ha! I can't believe we're actually gonna do this.
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: Ha ha ha ha ha!
WILL: Look, um... I don't really know how to tell you this, so I'm just-- I'm just gonna tell you. Um, you know before when I said I loved you? I really, really meant that. I do love you. You're the best. I can't imagine my life without you.
GRACE: Well, now you never have to worry about that.
WILL: Yeah, well, actually, I... I'm feeling a little lightheaded. Um, see, there's this one teensy little complication... Actually, not so teensy. I--
WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] I'm gay.
GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Are you hungry?
WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] What?
GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] What?
WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] I'm gay!
GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Are you hungry?!
WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] What?!
GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] What?!
WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] I'm g--
GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Are you--
[WILL COVERS GRACE'S MOUTH]
WILL: I'm gay.
GRACE: Haa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
WILL: Grace?
GRACE: [SNORTING] Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
WILL: Hey, now. Not exactly the reaction I was expecting.
GRACE: [SNORTS] Ha ha ha! You kill me. Ha ha ha! [REALIZES] Oh, my God.
WILL: Grace, I...
GRACE: Oh, my God.
WILL: Grace, I can--
GRACE: Oh, my God!
WILL: Grace...
GRACE: When did you... We're getting married.
WILL: Yeah, you know, I don't think I can go through with that, either.
GRACE: I can't-- I don't even know-- How long have you known this?
WILL: I--I think on some level I've always known. You know, I mean, the guy toweling himself off in the Zest commercial always did a little too much for me.
GRACE: Oh, great. Great. The Zest guy knew before me.
WILL: No, no, no, no. Listen. That's not what I'm saying. I don't think I really knew for sure until we were in bed together. You know? And I took one look at you in your sexy underwear, and I just went... "Whoa. I am gay." You know? I mean, do you know what I mean?
GRACE: Yeah. Yeah, I think I do.
WILL: Yeah?
GRACE: Just--just one thing.
[GRACE GRABS WILL BY THE EAR.]
WILL: Ow! Hey! Hey! What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?
GRACE: You bastard! I'm in love with you, and you're treating me like some sort of test drive?! You take me out for a spin, and you go, "Hmm, I don't really like the feel of this one. I think I'd rather have a stick." Aah! [HYPERVENTILATES]
WILL: But... Don't you see what a compliment that is? I mean, I mean, I love you, so if I can't make it work with you, then it'll never work with any woman, because you're perfect for me.
GRACE: That is not a compliment. A compliment is "You're sexy, you turn me on," not "One look at you proves I'm a queer."
WILL: Look, I understand that you're upset, but I mean, this is-- this is a very big step for me, you know? How about a little support here?
GRACE: Well, you probably would've gotten a lot more support from me if you hadn't asked me to marry you first.
WILL: Ok. In hindsight, not a good move.
GRACE: Oh. Hindsight? Is that, like, one of your gay words?
WILL: What? Look, I never meant to hurt you, but it's not like I planned to be gay.
BOBBI: [ENTERING] I heard yelling. Is everything ok? What's going on?
WILL: Nothing.
GRACE: Will's gay.
BOBBI: [GASPS] Oh, sweetie, oh. Julius, I owe you 20 bucks.
GRACE: Oh, my god.
JOYCE: [ENTERING] What's going on?
GRACE: Nothing.
BOBBI: Will's gay.
JOYCE: Grace, you ruin everything!
[BOBBI AND JOYCE EXIT]
GRACE: Oh my God! [SOBBING] Get out.
WILL: What?
GRACE: I want you to get your things, and I want you to leave.
WILL: You know, I always knew this would be hard. I--I guess I just hoped that because it was you, it wouldn't be the worst moment of my life.
[CUT TO THE PRESENT.]
PAM: Ok, so she threw you out? Then what happened?
JACK: Well, then mother and I went to the DQ for some Brazier burgers and a Dilly Bar. High fat? [SHAKES HIS HEAD] High fun.
WILL: Not you, Dairy Queen. She means us.
PAM: Yeah, what happened?
GRACE: Then, um... Then we didn't talk for a year.
PAM: Wow.
KAREN: Hmm. Good times.
PAM: A whole year? You didn't talk for a year? What were you doing all that time?
JACK: I was instrumental in bringing Cats over from London. Oh, not the musical. Ethan Katz, a Jewish hottie from Piccadilly. Oh, it's not me again? Oh.
WILL: Grace didn't really want to deal with me, and I had a lot of my own stuff to deal with, you know, like telling everyone in my life who I really was.
[CUT TO 1985, WILL AND ROB'S DORM ROOM.]
ROB: So, uh, have you been gay this whole time?
WILL: Pretty much.
ROB: Were you gay when you put that Coppertone on me in Fort Lauderdale?
WILL: Yeah.
ROB: Huh.
WILL: Rob, I know what you're thinking, but I don't want you to worry. You know, last night when you passed out... And I made love to you, I was totally straight. Ha ha!
ROB: Ha ha ha ha ha!
[CUT TO THE PRESENT.]
GRACE: Then of course, I had to tell my mom and dad. And then I had to tell everyone in my life.
[CUT TO 1985. GRACE AND ELLEN ARE DOING SHOTS AT A BAR.]
GRACE: How could I not have known? He was Boy George for Halloween. He has a diffuser on his blow-dryer. And he's prettier than me.
ELLEN: Oh, baby. This must be so hard for you.
GRACE: It is. I knew you'd understand.
ELLEN: Oh. For a guy to do that to you. It's humiliating. I would die. I would just die. You must not feel sexual... Or pretty. Then there's that gnawing question. God, did I turn him gay? I mean, am I so gross that--
GRACE: Ok. I get that you get it.
ELLEN: Think you'll ever talk to Will again?
GRACE: Oh, no way. People already think I'm weird 'cause of my haircut. You add a gay friend to that, I might as well be a drama major.
[CUT TO THE PRESENT.]
GRACE: Man, I was so pissed at you.
KAREN: Pissed? Honey, you don't know the meaning of the word. If you'll remember, the last time we left the interesting story... I had 3 different people dying to marry me, including a 9-time Wimbledon singles champion. And I left them all behind to be with the man I love, and then it turns out...
[CUT TO 1985, KAREN IS TALKING TO THE BARTENDER.]
KAREN: The bastard's married. Stan is married. Can you believe that? I had three different people dying to marry me, including a 6-time Wimbledon singles champion.
WOMAN: [OFF SCREEN] Oh, shut your trap, barfly.
KAREN: What?! Who the hell are you?
[KAREN TURNS AROUND. IT'S THE CIGARETTE LADY--ROSARIO.]
ROSARIO: Listen, Boozo the clown... You're bringing us down. If it was meant to be with this man, it was meant to be.
KAREN: Huh? Who asked you to pop your head out of your conch shell? If I want advice, I'm not gonna ask for it from a cigarette-slinging, tray-carrying, mint wrangler.
ROSARIO: Listen, lady. If there wasn't so many, I'd bang your head and crack your head like a walnut.
KAREN: You better watch your mouth or I'll make one phone call and get you on the next long boat to La Via de Los Tostadas.
KAREN: I like you. Why don't you come work for me?
ROSARIO: Ok.
[CUT TO THE PRESENT.]
KAREN: And although it was ten years before Stan and I officially hooked up, Rosario and I have been together ever since. Yeah. [BEAT] Damn it! My story sucks, too.
WILL: Anyway... A year goes by, Thanksgiving rolls around again, and then one night at D'Agostinos...
[CUT TO 1986. JACK AND WILL ARE SHOPPING AT D'AGOSTINOS.]
WILL: Should we do sweet potatoes or mashed?
JACK: Mashed, and I'm in love with you.
WILL: Ahem. What?
JACK: Will, why are we pretending? We spend every second together. We call each other a hundred times a night. I saw the way you were lookin' at me the other day when we were at that place shoppin' for shoes.
WILL: Look, Jack. I owe you everything, you know? I mean, this past year, coming out. You've been like my sherpard through the Himalayas of... Of him-a-laying. But I just don't feel that way about you, you know? I love you the way you love a cherished family pet. That you never want to have sex with. We're meant to be girlfriends, not boyfriends, you know? It's better that way.
JACK: Brava. You've passed the test. I was worried your feelings might get in the way of our friendship, but I'm glad we've cleared that up. I really had you goin' there with the "I'm in love with you thing," didn't I?
WILL: Yeah, you did.
JACK: Me, in love with you. Ha ha ha ha. Me, in love with you? Ha! Craziness. If you'll excuse me, I'll be in the frozen foods section. [VOICE BREAKING] It thought it'd be nice if we started Thanksgiving with some Jeno's eggrolls.
[JACK RUNS OFF SCREEN. WILL TURNS AROUND AND GRACE IS THERE.]
GRACE: Will.
WILL: Grace, hi.
GRACE: Hi.
WILL: How have you been?
GRACE: Good. Great. I've been great. You?
WILL: Great. Great, uh, haven't seen you in months.
GRACE: It's been a year. I moved off campus.
WILL: Why'd you do that?
GRACE: People kept writing "Grace plus Liberace" on my memo board.
WILL: You still mad at me?
GRACE: I'm not mad at you. I mean on some level I knew.
WILL: You did?
GRACE: Yeah. I mean, girls know. I knew.
WILL: Well, if you knew, why didn't you tell me? We could've saved ourselves a hell of a lot of--
GRACE: I didn't really know. I just swore that when I ran into you, I would say that.
WILL: You know, I left about a dozen messages. [WILL DUCKS DOWN AS A WOMAN WALKS BY] And I wrote you a letter. Did you get the letter?
[CUT TO THE PRESENT.]
GRACE: Wait a minute. What was that?
WILL: What?
GRACE: That woman that you were hiding from. What was that all about?
JACK: Well, the last thing he wanted to do was run into Diane.
WILL: Heh. Yeah. So, uh, then we, um... We made up, and we have been best friends ever since. Right, sweetie?
GRACE: Right.
KAREN: Well, you're all boring and I'm fun. I better get back to the kids. Smell you later.
[KAREN STANDS UP AND PUTS ON HER COAT.]
GRACE: Who's Diane?
JACK: You know, the girl Will slept with after you two broke up.
GRACE: What?
KAREN: You know, the kids will be fine. I cracked a window in the limo. [KAREN SITS BACK DOWN.]
JACK: [TO GRACE] You knew that. [TO WILL] You've told her. [TO GRACE] You didn't know that? [TO WILL] You didn't tell her?
GRACE: What-- What is he talking about?
WILL: Nothing. It was this-- This girl-- Listen, it was nothing. Anyway, best friends! Huh?
GRACE: Don't. Will, don't--don't. [GRACE RUNS OUT.]
WILL: Grace. Grace! [TO JACK] When I get home, I'm gonna rip your heart out through your foot.
[WILL RUNS OUT AFTER GRACE.]
KAREN: [CHUCKLING] Oh. We should do this every year.
PAM: Are they coming back, because I still don't understand what this story has to do with me and Tom.
KAREN: Oh, cripes. Honey, let me give it to you in a nutshell. Your boyfriend's a big flaming feather-wearing, man-kissing, disco-dancing... [TAKES A DRINK] Vermont-living, Christina Aguilera-loving, Mikanos-going-- [TO JACK] Honey, take it on home.
JACK: Tom's queer, dear.
KAREN: Merry Christmas!
[CUT TO OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT, WILL IS CHASING AFTER GRACE IN THE RAIN.]
WILL: Would you hang on, please? Gracie!
GRACE: How come you didn't tell me?
WILL: Because I thought it would upset you.
GRACE: Well, it did.
WILL: Well, that's why I didn't tell you.
GRACE: You're unbelievable. 15 years later, and you're still lying to me.
[A CAB PULLS UP.]
CABBIE: [VOICE] Need a cab, miss?
GRACE: No. [SOBS]
[GRACE WAVES THE CAB AWAY.]
WILL: I was gonna get around to telling you.
GRACE: When?
WILL: Right after you found out.
GRACE: That's not even funny.
WILL: Why is this such a big deal?
GRACE: Because I thought that I was the one that helped you come out.
WILL: You were!
GRACE: I thought that I was the one that changed your life.
WILL: You did!
GRACE: I thought it was my naked body that did nothing for you!
WILL: It didn't! It still doesn't!
GRACE: Don't try to make me feel better.
WILL: Grace, come inside.
GRACE: I don't want to come inside!
CABBIE: [VOICE] Taxi?
GRACE: No! [WAVES THE CAB AWAY]
WILL: After what happened with us, I--I was... 99% sure, you know. But it was that one little percent hanging over me, so I...I met this woman at a party, we got stinking drunk, went back to her room-- it was awful.
GRACE: So it could have been awful with me. Why didn't you make it awful with me?
WILL: Because I love you. I cared about you. I--I--I-- I didn't want to put you through that. I needed to try it with someone I didn't love.
GRACE: It was awful, huh?
WILL: Beyond awful. Remember that nature special with the elephant seals flopping all over the place? Needed to picture the cute guy that hosted that show just to make it through.
GRACE: [LAUGHS] Ok, is this it? Or are there any other sordid heterosexual stories I should know about?
WILL: I swear, like walking through the kitchen of a Chinese restaurant-- something I only needed to try once.
CABBIE: [VOICE] Cab, lady?
GRACE: No! [WAVES THE CAB AWAY] God, it's amazing. When you need one, you can never get one, and then when you don't--
WILL: Actually, you know, Grace, um...it's raining and we're 40 blocks from home. We--we did need one.
GRACE: Taxi?
WILL: Come on. So we ok?
GRACE: We will be.
[AS WILL AND GRACE WALK PAST THE STORE FRONT, BACK TO 1986 AS WILL AND GRACE EXIT THE STORE]
WILL: Are we ok?
GRACE: We will be.