If I could turn back ti-ome. Episode #3.07
Original Airdate 11/16/2000
Written by Katie Palmer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
GUEST CAST
Camryn Manheim (Psychic Sue)
Cher (Herself)
Robert Romanus (Lenny)
Adam Lazarre-White (Manager)
Kenneth Alan Williams (Steve)
Keith Allan (Photographer)
Steven Christopher Clark (Stoner Guy)
Rochelle Hannah (Stoner Gal)
David Vaillancourt (Student)
SCENE I: A Restaurant
(WILL, GRACE, and JACK are celebrating WILL's birthday with dinner and a toast.)
GRACE: Ok, everyone hold up your glasses. [LOOKING AT HER WATCH] And 5, 4, 3, 2... Will, you're officially one year older.
[EVERYONE TOASTS]
GRACE: Yay! Happy birthday, happy birthday. Yay!
JACK: Yay! Ooh! Happy birthday.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Just think, it was exactly this moment that you pushed your way into this world, looked over your shoulder, and said, "You know what? That's not for me."
WILL: I thought maybe it was a snap judgment, but you know what? I was right.
GRACE: At the risk of sounding sentimental--
LENNY [THE WAITER]: [INTERRUPTING] Hey, you done with that? [LENNY PICKS UP GRACE'S PLATE]
GRACE: No, I wasn't. I'd like to finish my pommes frites, thank you very much.
LENNY: Hmm. [LENNY DROPS GRACE'S PLATE IN FRONT OF HER]
GRACE: Ah! Now they're all squished!
LENNY: Uh-huh.
GRACE: Can you believe him? He spilled our soup, he left a thumbprint in my steak, and now-- [GASPING] Oh! Oh! That table is having cappuccino. He said the machine was broken. He lied!
WILL: He did? And he's a hero to millions of kids!
JACK: Ok, it's time for gift-giving! [CLAPPING] Ladies first... Sorry, Grace. Here you go. [JACK HANDS WILL A GIFT] Now, I know I didn't have to, but you know me. I'm a giver.
WILL: Always a giver. Yay, it's a... [UNWRAPS THE GIFT: A CHER DOLL STILL IN THE BOX] It's a Cher doll. Why on earth would I want a-- Oh, ok. Here you go, Jack. [WILL GIVES THE DOLL TO JACK]
JACK: Thank God. I knew you wouldn't like it. Happy birthday. [SINGING,
IMITATING CHER] If I could turn back ti-ome.
GRACE: Ok, birthday boy, my turn.
WILL: Ok, here we go. It's a gift certificate... from a psychic. Oh, ok. Here you go, Grace. [HANDS THE CERTIFICATE BACK TO GRACE]
GRACE: No, it--it really is for you.
WILL: Why would I possibly want to discuss my future with Psychic Sue?
GRACE: Will, she is so amazing. I just went to her a couple of days ago, and she knew everything about me. She knew that I didn't get along with my mother, she knew I had relationship problems, and she knew my best friend was gay.
WILL: You just described all of the single women in New York.
JACK: [TO THE CHER DOLL] What's that, Cher? Yeah, when they're not talking about me, I get bored, too.
KAREN: [ENTERING] Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late, but I wanted to make sure I missed most of dinner.
LENNY: [TO KAREN] Oh, you're gonna be joining them?
KAREN: [TO LENNY] Hey, apron. Who told you you could make eye contact? Bye. Bye now. [TO WILL] Here you go, Will. Happy birthday. [HANDS WILL A GIFT.]
WILL: Thank you.
KAREN: And, um, listen, I just wanted to thank you for inviting me. I know that we've had our differences in the past, but, really, when you get right down t-- Oh, look! Better people. [KAREN RUNS OFF SCREEN]
GRACE: Isn't this fun?
WILL: Uh-huh.
GRACE: We all having fun? I'm having fun. Where's that freakin' birthday cake?
LENNY: [TO JACK] Happy birthday, dude. [LENNY PUTS A PIE WITH A CANDLE IN IT IN FRONT OF JACK.]
GRACE: Ok, no. No, no. First of all, that is not the birthday dude. Second of all, you were supposed to sing. And third of all, this is not the chocolate soufflé I ordered at the beginning of the meal. It's broccoli quiche!
LENNY: I--I guess I forgot to put the order in. I got sidetracked making a buttload of cappuccinos.
GRACE: All right, that-- that-- that's it.
MANAGER: Excuse me. Is everything ok?
GRACE: No, it's not. It's my best friend's birthday, and that horrible waiter has just-- he's ruined our entire evening.
MANAGER: I'm very sorry, ma'am. Let me handle this.
GRACE: Thank you.
WILL: Grace, it's--
GRACE: No, I'm glad I did it. He's just been terrible.
JACK: Grace, being a waiter is hard. You have to be everything to these people. Mother, father, psychiatrist, lover... Ok...
MANAGER: Ma'am, I apologize. The meal has been comped.
JACK: [TO WILL] The meal was my gift.
MANAGER: And we've let that waiter go.
GRACE: Oh. Well, thank you. I don't know about you, but I think I've done this restaurant a service. No, I did this city a service! Good for me! [BEAT] Oh, my God, I just got a waiter fired. I'm a bitch.
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE and KAREN are talking about the dinner.)
GRACE: Karen, remember last week when you had that UPS guy fired 'cause you thought brown was over? Did you feel anything afterwards?
KAREN: Yeah, for a few minutes, but, like every high, it eventually wore off. Why? Why do y-- [GASPS] Oh! Wait a minute! You did it, didn't you? Oh, you had someone fired!
GRACE: Yes.
KAREN: Oh!
GRACE: Yes, I did. It was that--that waiter from the restaurant last night. Lenny.
KAREN: Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. Oh, my little girl's growing up!
GRACE: No, this is--this is not something I'm proud of. I didn't mean to get him fired. I just thought that he'd be reprimanded and I'd get a free mud pie.
KAREN: Oh, come on. There's always some poor sap who will hire him.
LENNY: [ENTERING] Hey, Grace, I'm gonna run down, get us some muffins. [TO KAREN] Oh, hey, how you doin'? You remember me? I'm Lenny. I'm gonna be the new office assistant. I guess we'll be makin' eye contact now, huh?
SCENE III: Psychic Sue's House
(A knock on the door. Psychic Sue runs to the door.)
SUE: Coming! Coming, coming, coming, coming, coming.
[SUE OPENS THE DOOR]
WILL: Hi, I'm Will Truman, and I'm-- [SUE GRABS WILL AND PULLS HIM TO HER AND HUGS HIM] I'm being hugged.
SUE: Yeah, I always like to start off with a hug. Hi, I'm Sue. [SHE TAKES THE GIFT CERTIFICATE] And this doesn't include a tip, ok? Ok.
WILL: That didn't include a hug, either.
SUE: Come on in and sit down. Sit right here-- Oh, I'm sorry about all the dog hair. You're not allergic, are you?
WILL: No. No, although I once got a bee sting, and my lip swelled up like Pamela Anderson Lee.
SUE: Ok. You see, my ex-boyfriend was very allergic, and he forced me to choose, and so I agonized over it... For about 2 minutes, you know.
WILL: Ex-boyfriend? Well, let me ask you this. Since you're Psychic Sue, shouldn't you have known it wasn't gonna work out?
SUE: Well, the important thing is, is that I knew before he did, ok? Ok! Let's do it to it, shall we? I'm gonna need some keys or a wallet, something that's very personal to you.
WILL: Personal? Ok. Well, since I don't keep my shame in my pocket, my keys will have to do.
SUE: Ok, I am very peaceful. I am centered. I am open.
[A DOG BARKS]
SUE: [SCREAMING] Shut up!! I asked for one hour!! [CALMLY] Well... I feel a trip. Not for you, but for somebody very close to you. And I'm getting... China?
WILL: What, a trip to China?
SUE: Maybe, maybe, and there is going to be a reunion.
WILL: Oh, please let it be Bananarama.
SUE: No, it is with a loved one from the past. I'm seeing blond hair-- Oh, whoa, well, strawberry blond hair, warm brown eyes, loved you. Ohh! Loves you still, and you never got to say good-bye to her.
WILL: God, I can't-- Her?! I--I loved a strawberry blond her?
SUE: And you thought that you were gonna spend the rest of your lives together.
WILL: Huh. Thank you, Sue, it's been special. [WILL TAKES HIS KEYS] Oh, and, uh, about that tip? Here it is. I'm gay. [WILL EXITS]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(WILL is telling GRACE about his visit with Psychic Sue.)
WILL: I mean, who calls themselves "Psychic Sue"? It's like me calling myself "Lawyer Will" or you calling yourself "Designer Grace" or Jack calling himself "Jumping Ferret Jack."
GRACE: So, what else did she say? [GRACE GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE KITCHEN]
WILL: Nothing. Inane stuff, you know, like "Someone close to me is going on a trip."
GRACE: [TRIPS ON THE STEP] Oh! [CRASH] Oh, shoot! I just broke my grandmother's China.
WILL: China? And you just tripped. That's very weird, 'cause that's exactly what she said.
GRACE: That's because she's Psychic Sue.
WILL: What is that smell?
GRACE: Why do you always look at me when you say that?
WILL: No, no, it smells like... Like my mother.
GRACE: Oh, um, that package came from her over there.
WILL: That's what it is. It smells like that--that tea rose perfume she always wears.
GRACE: That's better than my mother. She smells like brisket and Aquanet.
WILL: [OPENS THE PACKAGE] Oh, my God. [READING A NOTE] "Found this in the attic, thought you might want it. Call your Father. Love, Mom." [WILL PULLS A DOG COLLAR OUT OF THE BOX]
GRACE: What is it?
WILL: It's Daisy's dog collar.
GRACE: Oh, that drag queen you and Jack hung out with at Christmas?
WILL: No. My old dog, Daisy. I was away at college when she died. I never got to say good-bye. God, she was so beautiful. You know, that thick coat of strawberry blond-- [WILL FREEZES]
[CUT TO PSYCHIC SUE'S HOUSE]
WILL: My love life. [WILL GIVES SUE HIS KEYS] Go!
SUE: Ok...all right. Oh, Will, there is somebody. Somebody very special. And the two of you are gonna spend the rest of your lives together. [WHISPERING] And it's a man. Shh!
[WILL GIGGLES]
SUE: And it's somebody you already know.
WILL: Johnny Depp? Is it Johnny Depp?
SUE: Do you know him?
WILL: No.
SUE: Does he know you?
WILL: No.
SUE: Can I finish?
WILL: Yes.
SUE: Ok, he's handsome. Oh, dark hair.
[A DOG BARKS]
WILL: [YELLING] Come on, you guys, we're almost there!
SUE: Oh, you know, I'm getting something. I'm getting... That his first name starts with... "J." That's all-- That's all I'm getting. Just "J."
WILL: Who do I know... [THINKING] Just "J"...
SUE: I've got it! It's Jack. The man you are gonna spend the rest of your life with is Jack. Do you know anybody by the name of Jack?
[BEAT]
WILL: [VOICE BREAKING] No.
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN and GRACE enter the freight elevator which leads up to their office.)
GRACE: And guess what else? Lenny said he was bringing me a client today. I'm telling you, Karen, put goodness out there, you get goodness back. [KAREN ROLLS HER EYES] It's like yesterday. I gave a crazy woman on the corner some money, today she didn't throw a plastic bottle of pee at me.
KAREN: Grace, the guy's a loser. The whole office is talking about it. Oh, and am I drunk, or did I just take a whole bottle of whipped cream and go like this: ssshhhhhhhh. [KAREN MAKES A SPRAYING MOTION OVER GRACE'S RUFFLED BLOUSE]
GRACE: Yes and no. You just don't want to admit that I'm right. That when you put your faith in people, they reward you. [KAREN SCOFFS.]
[CUT TO GRACE'S OFFICE. LENNY AND A "CLIENT," STEVE, ARE TRADING ENVELOPES.]
LENNY: Now, don't smoke it all at once. It's primo, man. It's all buzz. Here's some of Grace's business cards. Let everybody know I'm dealin' out of here now, ok? And tell everyone the code word is "ottoman."
[KAREN AND GRACE EXIT THE ELEVATOR.]
LENNY: Oh, here she is. Hi, Grace.
GRACE: Hi. Hi, you must be Steve. I'm Grace. Come on over. I'm just gonna grab my portfolio. [LOOKS AROUND HER MESSY DESK] Where is it? [SIGHS] Man, this place is going to pot.
[LENNY AND STEVE EXCHANGE GLANCES.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(WILL is telling GRACE about his return visit to Psychic Sue over Ben & Jerry's ice cream.)
WILL: I wasn't gonna tell you this, but I went back to Psychic Sue, and she told me that there's a man I already know that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.
GRACE: Oh, my God! That's incredibly--
WILL: It's Jack.
GRACE: --bad, horrifying news.
[KNOCK ON DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS AND THE CHER DOLL PEEKS IN.]
JACK: [VOICE, IMITATING CHER] Is everybody decent, hoh!
[JACK ENTERS, CARRYING THE CHER DOLL.]
JACK: Sorry, Grace, we can't go to the movies tonight. Um, I called the theater, and they can't guarantee Cher's security.
GRACE: [TO WILL] You know what's scary? This isn't even the weirdest thing he's ever done with a small plastic woman.
JACK: I feel like nesting. Let's stay home and rent Silkwood. [IMITATING CHER] I'm a lesbian who's been exposed to nuclear waste, hoh!
GRACE: I'm gonna make some popcorn with several underused spices. Who wants some?
JACK: I do, I do!
WILL: [TO JACK] What did you just say?
[CUT TO JACK, WEARING A WEDDING DRESS, HOLDING THE CHER DOLL LIKE A BOUQUET]
JACK: [SWEETLY, SOFTLY] I said, I do, I do. I really do.
[CUT BACK]
JACK: What? Why are you looking at me funny?
SCENE VII: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE exits the freight elevator. The office is filled with people, including LENNY, a PHOTOGRAPHER, a STONER GUY and GIRL, and a STUDENT.)
LENNY: Oh, hi, Grace.
GRACE: Hi. Wow. Wow, look at this place.
LENNY: Yeah, well, you know, I told a few people about you, and they told a few people, and I guess a lot of folks are jonesing for an interior designer.
GRACE: Wow. I haven't been this popular since the misprint in the yellow pages made me the "Breast Designer in New York." [TO THE PHOTOGRAPHER] Ah, why don't we start with you?
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh, um, I have a whole studio I want to do, and I'm definitely gonna want some ottomans.
STONER GIRL: Yeah, we need ottomans, too.
STUDENT: Can the four of us split an ottoman?
GRACE: Wow.
PHOTOGRAPHER: So, how fast can we do this? 'Cause I'm having a party this weekend.
GRACE: Ok, uh, what I'm gonna do is show you what I did in this loft in Soho. Ok. Uh, pencil... Pencil...
LENNY: Oh, there's one right down there. [GRACE BENDS DOWN TO PICK UP A PENCIL.]
[LENNY AND THE PHOTGRAPHER QUICKLY SWITCH ENVELOPES.]
GRACE: All right...
LENNY: [KNOCKS THE PAPERS ONTO THE FLOOR] Oh, I'm sorry.
GRACE: Oh, no problem. [GRACE BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP.]
[LENNY AND THE STUDENT QUICKLY EXCHANGE ENVELOPES.]
GRACE: Ok. What I can do for-- [THE PENCIL BREAKS] Oh, shoot. [TO THE STONER GUY] Uh, hand me that, please. Thanks.
[THE STONER GUY HANDS GRACE A JOINT.]
GRACE: Wait, what is this?
STONER GUY: Oh, my bad. [HE STARTS TO LIGHT IT AND GRACE JUMPS BACK.]
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL is arriving home from work.)
JACK: [VOICE] Hi, honey. How was your day?
WILL: What are you doing here?
JACK: [EXITING WILL'S BEDROOM, WEARING WILL'S KOMONO] Would you calm down? I'm just using your tub. And your Ylang-Ylang. Do ya like, ya like? [JACK HOLDS OUT HIS WRIST FOR WILL TO SMELL.]
WILL: Why don't ya leave, ya leave?
JACK: Why are you so crabby? Bad day at the office?
WILL: No. I just wanted to come home... And not to Madame Butterfly.
JACK: Hello, gorgeous suit. When did we get this, huh? And it fits you so nice. [JACK RUNS HIS HANDS DOWN WILL'S BODY] The shoulders, and the pecs, and the pits, and the waist... Whoo!
[WILL LEAPS AWAY FROM JACK]
WILL: I am not having sex with you!
JACK: What?!
WILL: I am never having sex with you! We are never gonna have sex. Sex, with you, no.
JACK: Oh, you poor thing, that wasn't sex. All right, uh, how can I explain this? Um... Ok, when two men are in love and committed... And greased up like pigs at a county fair...
WILL: No, no! Psychic Sue said... I'm gonna spend my life with a man named Jack.
JACK: Jack who?
WILL: Jack you!
JACK: Jack me?
WILL: No, thanks! Look, you know ordinarily I wouldn't believe all this psychic stuff, but, I mean, she's been right about everything else, and... What if she's right about this?
JACK AND WILL [TOGETHER]: [SHUDDERING] Eww!
JACK: Well, what if she is right?
WILL: What would that be like?
JACK: Well, I'm--I'm gonna have to have my own place.
WILL: Yeah, and sex is out of the question. I--I don't even like seeing your head poke through the hole in your sweater.
JACK: And--and just so you know, I'm gonna need boyfriends. And, since my career comes first, you may have to support me.
WILL: Right. What about Grace?
JACK: Oh, you get custody of that.
WILL: So, let's see. No sex, our own boyfriends, I support you, you live across the hall, Grace is my roommate.
JACK: Wow. That would be weird, wouldn't it?
SCENE IX: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN strolls into the office. GRACE is the only one left.)
KAREN: Hey. Where's the slow talker?
GRACE: I fired him, ok? He totally took advantage of me. You were right. People will always let you down.
KAREN: Oh, Grace.
GRACE: What?
KAREN: Nothing. It just felt like it needed an "Oh, Grace."
GRACE: I tell you what, this is never gonna happen to me again. From now on, I trust no one.
KAREN: Oh, honey.
GRACE: What?
KAREN: Here we are again.
GRACE: People suck.
KAREN: Oh, come on! Don't do that. This is a bad color on you. And your attitude is poor, too. You're the one who loves people. You're the pretty little gal from Ioway with the heart as big as all get out.
GRACE: Karen, I'm from upstate New York.
KAREN: Whatever. I got a facial in an hour. Listen, bottom line: it's a good thing that you believe in people. I mean, maybe Lenny let you down, but, hey! You took a chance on me, and have I ever let you down?
GRACE: Oh, Karen.
KAREN: What?
GRACE: Just felt like it needed an "Oh, Karen."
KAREN: So, why'd you can old swarthy Pete, anyway?
GRACE: He was selling dope out of the swatch room.
KAREN: What? Grace, I can't believe it! I loved him! [KAREN RUNS OUT THE DOOR AFTER LENNY]
SCENE X: A Restaurant
(WILL, GRACE, and JACK are sitting down. JACK's Cher doll is sitting on a booster seat at the table.)
JACK: [TO THE WAITER] Please stop staring. Yes, it's Cher.
WILL: Ok, that's it. [TO THE WAITER] Nothing for us. [TO JACK] This Cher thing is out of control. We're going.
JACK: What's the problem?
WILL: You made us wait for an hour for a table for four!
GRACE: In the back, so she wouldn't be gawked at.
WILL: Ok, bye-bye.
GRACE: Freak.
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT.]
JACK: You're the freaks!
CHER: [FROM BEHIND JACK] You know, dude, it is a little weird that you're talking to my doll.
JACK: [TURNS AROUND] Um, I don't think I need a drag queen to define normal behavior, ok? But I will say this. The look? [WHISPERING] It's flawless.
CHER: Whatever.
JACK: Ooh, workin' the attitude. Ok, you're good.
CHER: I've had a lot of practice.
JACK: Hey, hey, hey! You're not that great, mister sister. All right? I do a better Cher than you.
CHER: You think so?
JACK: Actually, it's... [IMITATING CHER] "You think so, hoh!"
CHER: Are you kidding me with this?
JACK: Ok, the hand is perfect, but it's more... [IMITATING CHER] "Are you kidding me with this, hoh!"
CHER: Get a life.
[CHER TURNS TO EXIT, THEN TURNS BACK AROUND AND TAPS JACK ON THE SHOULDER.]
CHER: [SINGING] If I could turn back time.
[JACK SIGHS AND THROWS HIS ARMS IN THE AIR.]
JACK: [IMITATING CHER] If I could turn back ti-ome.
JACK: [IMITATING CHER] Ti-ome. Ti-ome. Ti-ome.
CHER: [SLAPPING JACK ACROSS THE FACE] Snap out of it! [CHER EXITS]
[JACK HOLDS HIS CHEEK...REALIZES...THEN FAINTS.]