Episode #3.04
Original Airdate 10/26/2000
Written by Alex Herschlag
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
GUEST CAST
Natasha Lyonne (Gillian)
Suzanne Krull (Terry)
Henriette Mantel (Annie)
Christopher Darga (Officer Kirk)
Louis D. Giovannetti (Officer Bob)
SCENE I: Grace Adler Designs
(WILL is reading GRACE a seminar speech.)
WILL: And then I'll close with something like... "And let this be the dawning of a new era, a good feeling between the police department and the gay community" and then applause, applause, applause, and then I guess there'll be a Q & A.
GRACE: Ok, I've got a "Q." Why am I bored off my "A"?
WILL: I don't know, but why are you being such a "B"?
GRACE: Sweetie, it's too dry. Why don't you do a skit or something?
WILL: A skit? Grace, this is a gay sensitivity seminar. I'm not gonna do some stupid skit in front of a room full of cops. What is this, "The Electric Company?"
GRACE: You can call it a "dramatization."
WILL: Ooh, I like the dramatization. Yeah, it could be, like, four gay guys that are in a car and a cop pulls them over.
GRACE: Ooh ooh. And then he strip searches them and takes them all... downtown.
WILL: What?!
GRACE: Ok, clean up your area. My, uh, my intern's starting today.
WILL: Oh, no. No! Grace, you do not want an intern. Believe me. We had this guy at our office-- Brad. Totally useless. Always hanging around, just being annoying.
GRACE: So he said "no" when you asked him out?
WILL: Oh. Did I tell you this story already?
GRACE: Besides, Gillian is nothing like that. We had such a great phone conversation. She's just this cool, smart, enthusiastic design student. She reminds me of a young me.
WILL: Why, because she has a wide nose and brown hair?
GRACE: I did not have a nose job!
WILL: I'm kidding. [BRITISH ACCENT] Darling, don't you know I'm engaging in a little bit of levity.
GRACE: Don't do British.
WILL: You told me you liked it.
GRACE: You seemed needy that day. I was just trying to make you feel good. Anyway, I'm-- I'm just so excited about having her here. I don't know what it is about her, but she just has this quality I really respond to.
[GRACE'S NEW INTERN, GILLIAN ENTERS.]
GILLIAN: Oh, my God. You're Grace Adler. Hi. I'm Gillian.
GRACE: Hi.
GILLIAN: Ok. Let me just get this dorky stuff out of the way, ok? I love you. I love your work. I love you and your work. Ok, now I can be my regular hip self. I love you. I love your work. I love you and your work.
WILL: [BRITISH ACCENT] No. I can't imagine why you like her.
GILLIAN: [TO WILL] I'm sorry. I don't know you, but you should never do British.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL is showing JACK his dramatization for the seminar.)
WILL: W-what I'm trying to do I-I-is dramatize the problems faced by the gay community when they're dealing with the police. A-and I-I worked very hard on this, Jack, so please, when you pass judgment--
JACK: I can't do this crap! It's garbage! Do you hear me? Garbage! Put it in a cinch sack, throw it on a barge... Garbage! Capital G! Arbage!
WILL: Well, coming from trash, I consider that high praise indeed.
JACK: Will, there's no character, there's no heart. The part is unplayable, Will! Unplayable!
WILL: Alright, I'll just have to get somebody else to parade around in front of 50 of New York's finest.
JACK: Look, I'm not saying I can't make it work. I guess I can put aside my problems with the material. [FLIPPING THROUGH THE SCRIPT] After all, if we can help even one person be more sensitive to gay issues-- Billie Jean King! There are lezzies in this!
WILL: Martina Navratilova, yes, there are.
JACK: Oh, I beg of you, Will. Please let them be played by men. No one will ever know the difference. That's what Shakespeare did when he had lesbos in his scripts.
WILL: Yes. Who could forget the coven of high school gym teachers in MacBeth. Since when did you become so narrow-minded?
JACK: Hey, there's not a single part of me that is anti-lesbian. Well, maybe one, heh heh... But, trust me. This is something I really want to do. Who's playing the parts?
WILL: Our friends from the kite shop, Terry and Annie.
JACK: Starsky and Butch?! They hate me!
WILL: Really? Even after you gave them such affectionate pet names?
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR]
WILL: That's them. Be nice.
JACK: When am I not nice? Why are you wearing a blouse? Let them in.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR. TERRY AND ANNIE ENTER.]
TERRY: Hi.
WILL: Hey.
TERRY: We didn't know the appropriate gift for a gay sensitivity seminar training rehearsal.
ANNIE: So, we brought a cactus. [SHE GIVES WILL A CACTUS.]
WILL: I believe that is the traditional gift.
TERRY: Just don't sit on it.
WILL: Hah!
ANNIE: [TO JACK] Even as a game.
SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs
(GILLIAN is showing GRACE some of her design sketches. GILLIAN and GRACE are dressed very similar in black suits, both wearing a black beret.)
GRACE: This is really good. What is this?
GILLIAN: You know, just some sketches I did for my ex-boyfriend's place.
GRACE: It's really good. Your ex is gonna love it. Ok, but why all the mirrors?
GILLIAN: I want him to see his chubby cheating ass from all angles.
GRACE: Why don't you take another pass at it before you turn it in?
GILLIAN: Ok, I will. Hey, uh, do you mind if I just hang around and watch you work? I mean, I'd love to get a sense of what your process is.
GRACE: Oh. Sure. Ok.
[GRACE TAKES A PENCIL AND BEGINS SKETCHING.]
GRACE: Oh. [DIALING PHONE] Hello, Is Mr. Sanderson there, please?
GILLIAN: [WHISPERING TO GRACE] You sure you don't want to be alone?
GRACE: [WHISPERING TO GILLIAN] No, it's ok, you can listen. [INTO PHONE] Mr. Sanderson, Grace Adler. Hi. Tell me, what's your soup today? [BEAT] Manhattan or New England? Eww. [HANGS UP. TO GILLIAN] It was Manhattan.
GILLIAN: Eww.
GRACE: I know. Ok, I'm going to grab the fabric board for the Flebotte house. You wanna help me with it?
GILLIAN: Well, sure. But, I mean, you know I'm just gonna tell you that you're brilliant and shouldn't change a thing.
GRACE: Well, that's the help I'm looking for.
[GRACE EXITS TO THE SWATCH ROOM TO GET THE BOARD. KAREN ENTERS, GILLIAN HAS HER BACK TO KAREN.]
KAREN: [TO GILLIAN] Grace, I thought we talked about the beret. Patty Hearst couldn't even pull one off, and she had money and a gun.
[GRACE EXITS THE SWATCH ROOM WITH THE BOARD AND STANDS NEXT TO GILLIAN. KAREN LOOKS UP AND FINALLY NOTICES BOTH OF THEM.]
KAREN: [SHIELDING HER EYES] Oh, my God! What's going on? Now there are four of you!
GILLIAN: [TO KAREN] Um, hi. Hi, I'm Gillian. It's nice to meet you. Are you a designer, too? [HOLDS OUT HER HAND FOR KAREN TO SHAKE.]
KAREN: What's going on? What's happening? Why is it talking to me?
GRACE: [TO KAREN] Karen, this is-- This is Gillian. Remember? Our intern from Cooper Union, first in her class? She's gonna be here for two weeks.
KAREN: Uhh... not ringing a bell. Could you give me a hint?
GRACE: I don't need to give you a hint. She's standing right here.
GILLIAN: [STEPPING TOWARDS KAREN] Hello?
[KAREN PUSHES GILLIAN AWAY WITH HER INDEX FINGER.]
KAREN: Ok. Rule number one-- [HOLDS UP HER INDEX FINGER] Unless you're served in a frosted glass, never come within four feet of my lips.
[KAREN WIGGLES HER INDEX FINGER.]
GILLIAN: [SOTTO TO GRACE] Should we be scared?
GRACE: Oh, no. Ha ha. But, uh, let me move you over here, in the unlikely event she unhinges her jaw and swallows you whole.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(JACK, TERRY, and ANNIE are rehearsing the skit while WILL looks on, reading along.)
TERRY: "So, officer, I hope you understand. We just want to be treated the same as anybody."
ANNIE: "No better, No worse."
JACK: "I understand. I learned a valuable lesson today. Everyone deserves to be treated with a little respect. Even mean lesbian kite sellers."
ANNIE: Oh, that's--!
WILL: [TO JACK] You are this close to losing your post rehearsal yogurt.
JACK: That's the line, that's what's written here. [POINTING TO HIS SCRIPT.]
WILL: Yeah, that's because you wrote it. In lip liner!
JACK: At least one of us brought some. [GLARES AT TERRY AND ANNIE]
TERRY: I don't think that's funny.
JACK: Why? 'Cause Ellen DeGeneres didn't say it?
ANNIE: All right! We're going!
TERRY: Will, we're sorry, but this guy is an idiot.
JACK: Smart enough to sleep with men!
[TERRY AND ANNIE GASP.]
WILL: [TO TERRY AND ANNIE] Please, Please, don't go yet. Let me talk to him, please? I beg you.
TERRY: [SIGHS] Ok.
[WILL GRABS JACK AND PULLS HIM INTO THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: I don't-- I don't know where to start.
JACK: Neither do I. The wide one is giving me nothing.
WILL: You are, as of now, the most offensive person in this building. And I'm including Mr. Open Robe with his itchy bits on the tenth floor.
JACK: Name one thing I did wrong.
WILL: Wha-- One thing? Ok, let's see. You haven't once called them by their names, preferring instead to address them as "mister" or "señor." You've mooed, you've sung the Lumberjack Song. And then you told some joke about the Indigo Girls and a Mexican restaurant that I still don't understand. I could try to appeal to you as a thoughtful gay man, But, ironically, that would be fruitless. Let me take a different tactic. I'm going to challenge you as an actor.
JACK: Jean Valjean? You're taking my art seriously?
WILL: I want you to try and play a man who is not offensive to lesbians.
JACK: [DRAMATIC] It will be my greatest acting challenge to date. But I believe I can do it. Let me try. Here's my back story. Maybe-- Maybe I'm a lesbian-loving international financier with a scar on the left side of my face. Maybe... Maybe I drive a Hummer that's always in the shop. Maybe... Maybe I dress entirely to the left.
WILL: Maybe you had a stroke.
JACK: [DRAMATIC] Maybe I have. I can do this. [TO TERRY AND ANNIE] Ladies, shall we take it from the top?
TERRY: Ok, but just so you know, one more remark and we walk.
JACK: I understand. Please forgive me for my rudeness earlier. But you see, I recently got a bad Hummer.
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(GILLIAN is working on designs while GRACE watches.)
GRACE: Ok, now put your sketchbook away 'cause I've got a little surprise for you. Today is the day we learn about upholstered walls. "What's that?" You say. "Upholstered walls? That's madness! It can't be done!" Oh, but it can.
GILLIAN: Cool. Cool. So, hey, when's Karen getting in?
GRACE: Oh, we've learned not to ask that question. It just sets you up for disappointment, especilly when she does come in.
GILLIAN: What's her deal? Like, where is she from?
GRACE: Ahh...I think she just appeared fully formed under a moist stone.
GILLIAN: I mean, She's a real trip, isn't she?
GRACE: Well, she's usually on one.
GILLIAN: She sends me to the coolest places, right? I mean, like yesterday. She sent me to Tiffany's and Barney's. She even sent me to the dog groomer to get the gray out of her poodle. They couldn't because, well, it's a gray poodle.
GRACE: I'm sorry. She shouldn't have you running errands.
GILLIAN: No, no. It was great. I mean, the moment I mentioned her name at Barney's, people just started kissing my ass. I got a glass of champagne, a personal shopper, and a Percocet. It was awesome!
GRACE: Well, you should see what happens when you mention my name at The Rug Barn. You get a glass of cold mint tea and a rough kiss from a guy named Misha.
KAREN: [ENTERING, CARRYING A SHOPPING BAG] Hi, honey. Sorry I'm late. I've been runnin' all over town, but I promise you it was work-related.
GRACE: You were shopping. How is that work-related?
KAREN: Honey, I was avoiding work. I mean, really, sometimes I just-- You're not...
GILLIAN: Hey, Karen, so what'd you get?
KAREN: Oh, I got this coat. [KAREN PULLS A COAT OUT OF HER SHOPPING BAG] Oh, I'm over it.
GRACE: Hey, Gillian, I wasn't going to show just yet, but my idea for a bathroom-- Moroccan meets rubber. "What?! Ok, now you've gone too far, missy!"
[GILLIAN ROLLS HER EYES, AND TURNS BACK TO KAREN.]
KAREN: [TO GILLIAN] Honey, you want this?
GILLIAN: What? Oh, my God, could I?
KAREN: Mm-hmm.
[KAREN HOLDS THE COAT OUT TO GILLIAN.]
GILLIAN: Wow. That is so soft.
KAREN: I know. It's made out of kittens. Ha ha!
GILLIAN: That's so fabulous. Thank you so much.
KAREN: Mm-hmm.
[KAREN PUTS THE COAT ON GILLIAN.]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
[RING]
KAREN AND GILLIAN: [TO GRACE] Honey, could you get that?
SCENE VI: Grace Adler Designs
(LATER. GRACE is on the phone.)
GRACE: [ON THE PHONE] I'm so sorry my intern didn't show up yet. I'm sure she'll be there any second. Anyway, I'm so glad that you loved the cork floors. I knew you would. They're so versatile. They're so durable. Just a few things: Don't walk on them, No heavy furniture, Don't let sun get on them, and as far as having kids, I'd hold off for at least 5 years. Enjoy.
[GILLIAN AND KAREN ENTER. GILLIAN IS DRESSED LIKE KAREN, AND BOTH HAVE THEIR HAIR UP.]
GILLIAN: Honey, that was the best lunch I've had in years.
KAREN: Oh, honey, me, too.
GILLIAN: Honey, you didn't eat a thing.
KAREN: Honey, I was talking about the olives.
GRACE: Gillian, nice of you to put in an appearance. I was just filling out your evaluation. What do you think I should put down for punctuality? I was going to put down a check, but now I think I'm going to have to change that to a check-minus.
GILLIAN: Ok, I have a good excuse. Karen and I drank a long lunch at the Four Seasons.
GRACE: Gillian, just get-- just get to work.
GILLIAN: Oh, honey, no. I have an appointment at Yolanda's for a spirulina masque. Oh, and by the way, that color doesn't even look good an orange, ok? Kisses all around! [GILLIAN EXITS]
KAREN: I like her spunk. Very professional.
GRACE: Karen, I'm really not interested in talking to you right now. I've a lot of work to do.
KAREN: Ok.
GRACE: So could you stop talking? What... Damn it! Wait... Wait a minute. Where's my Croissandwich? Karen? Karen!
KAREN: [MUMBLING] Honey, you told me not to--
GRACE: Where is my ham and cheese Croissandwich?!
KAREN: That thing in the bag? Honey, I thought that was trash. I threw it away.
GRACE: You threw it away?!
KAREN: It was starting to crawl for the door.
GRACE: Oh! Great! Great! Why don't you just throw everything in my life away?! "Hi. I'm Karen Walker. I'm throwing everything away. I don't know what it is. It doesn't fit into my life. I'm throwing it away."
KAREN: Honey, you want another Crois--
GRACE: They only serve them till 11:00! [SIGHS] This whole day is ruined. This whole week is ruined. Now my business is probably going to go under, and it's all your fault.
KAREN: What?
GRACE: And you have a pore on your nose you could serve dip out of. [GRACE STORMS OUT.]
SCENE VII: The Police Station
(JACK, WILL, TERRY, and ANNIE are waiting for the seminar to begin. There are many police officers there, including officers KIRK and BOB.)
WILL: I just wanna tell you. I think you're doing great with Terry and Annie.
JACK: [DRAMATIC] I do what I do, for I am what I am.
WILL: What's with the voice?
JACK: [DRAMATIC] I was trying to find my character and I came up with this voice.
WILL: Well, Angela Lansbury wants it back. You're playing a cop. Talk normal.
JACK: You might as well just ask me to throw out my whole character.
WILL: Yeah. Good. Throw it out.
OFFICER KIRK: Alright, let's get started. Everybody take your seats. Ok, welcome to the Caribbean sensivity seminar.
WILL: Uh, actually, officer, we're, uh...
OFFICER KIRK: Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. Today we're doin' the gays. Let's, uh, give 'em a warm welcome.
WILL: Thank you-- Ahem-- Very much. We'd like to start with a dramatization based on an actual complaint lodged against the police department. I think this will illustrate the kind of insensitivity that our community's concerned about.
JACK: Before we begin, I would ask that you refrain from the taking of flash photography as the lesbians may attack you.
ANNIE: Oh, that's it!
TERRY: We're outta here!
WILL: Oh, Annie! Terry!
[ANNIE AND TERRY STORM OUT.]
WILL: Jack!
JACK: What?
WILL: How could you?!
JACK: You're the one who told me to abandon my character-- The lesbian-loving gay financier with a Hummer in the shop.
WILL: I just asked you to abandon that queer voice.
JACK: "Queer"? Who you callin' queer, you blouse-wearin' fairy?
WILL: Ooh! Oh! Ooh! Oh! This from the homo who minces around the gym in a lycra onesie.
JACK: Grace wears one.
WILL: She's a woman, you girl!
JACK: Don't call me a girl! Eyebrow-plucker!
WILL: Leg-waxer!
JACK: Lady!
WILL: Tramp!
[WILL AND JACK LUNGE AT EACH OTHER.]
SCENE VIII: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is alone when GILLIAN enters.)
GILLIAN: Hi, honey!
KAREN: Hi, honey. Honey, sit down.
GILLIAN: What's going on? What's happening? What's this all about?
KAREN: I've got something tough to tell you. Uh, I'm fabulous, ok? I'm an incredible dresser, I've got buckets of money, I'm a hoot and a half, and I got a killer rack. Do you get what I'm saying?
GILLIAN: Uh, not really.
KAREN: Honey, you're not me, and you never will be.
GILLIAN: Is it the rack?
KAREN: [LAUGHS] No... But it's a big part of it.
[GRACE RETURNS, EATING A SUB SANDWHICH, BUT STOPS OUTSIDE THE DOOR WHEN SHE HEARS KAREN AND GILLIAN TALKING ABOUT HER.]
KAREN: Now, you're never going to be me, but you've got a good chance to be Grace, and that's nothing to sneeze at, honey. You shouldn't have thrown it away so quickly.
GILLIAN: But, Grace, she's just not...us.
KAREN: Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup... Watch your mouth, or I'll wash it out with cheap vodka. That's my little girl you're talkin' about. Now, Grace is a damn good role model-- She's bright, she's successful, she's the worst dresser in the whole, wide world. She's talented, and I look up to her. Honey, why else would I be here?
GILLIAN: You told me it's 'cause hate being home with Stan and the kids.
KAREN: Oh. Ha ha ha ha... That's a big part of it. But there's tons of places I could be away from them, and I choose to be away from them here. Now, you came here to learn. Let Grace teach you.
GILLIAN: Well, I do wanna be a designer someday.
KAREN: And so does she. It's a perfect match. Listen, get your ass over to Bergdorf's and buy her an I'm-Sorry gift, something she'd like, but nothing red or orange. Or yellow or green or stripes or plaids or zippers or epaulets. Or fur or feathers or sequins or pleats. You get the idea.
[KAREN PUSHES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON FOR GILLIAN.]
GILLIAN: Yeah, I get the idea. Hey, can I still use the word "honey"?
KAREN: Wh--? Aww... No.
[GILLIAN EXITS DOWN THE ELEVATOR. GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: Hi, Karen. I just--I just wanted you to know that I heard what you said, and I just wanted to say thank you.
KAREN: Oh. Oh, honey. [YELLING DOWN THE ELEVATOR TO GILLIAN] Or polka-dots!
SCENE IX: The Police Station
(The seminar is over. JACK and WILL are sitting on the stage.)
JACK: Sorry I called you a tight-ass cyber-sissy.
WILL: Oh, that's ok. Sorry I called you a shallow, youth-obsessed, prancing cabaret queen.
JACK: You didn't call me that.
WILL: Well, I meant to. We really blew it, you know? We had the perfect opportunity to educate people, maybe open up some minds, and instead we behaved like a couple of gay buffoons. We wimped out on our entire community. And the cold cuts are gone. Nice.
OFFICER KIRK: Well, that was, uh, quite a production.
WILL: Yeah. Sorry about that.
OFFICER KIRK: What are you talking about? I mean, it was riveting. I mean, the way you depicted how words can wound people. You know, I'm ashamed to say it, but I recognized a lot of my colleagues and myself in what you portrayed.
WILL: That's exactly what I imagined when I wrote it.
JACK: That's exactly what I imagined when I acted it.
OFFICER KIRK: It took people of great courage and maturity to do what you did.
WILL: Thank you very much, Officer...?
OFFICER KIRK: Cox. Officer Cox.
[JACK AND WILL TRY TO SUPRESS GIGGLES AS THE OFFICER TURNS AWAY.]
[LATER. EVERYONE HAS LEFT EXCEPT FOR WILL, WHO IS PACKING UP HIS SLIDES. OFFICER BOB APPROACHES WILL.]
OFFICER BOB: Hey, that was a great presentation. I really got something out of it.
WILL: Oh, thanks. Thank you for your help.
OFFICER BOB: Hey, let me ask you something. I know this guy. I think he might be a gay... but I don't know for sure.
WILL: "A gay?" What makes you think he might be a gay, officer?
OFFICER BOB: Well, he wears shorts. He's always working out. He's got really defined biceps. Tight abs. Rock-hard thighs.
WILL: How's the ass?
OFFICER BOB: Good. Nice... and high.
WILL: [NODDING] Yeah... I'd say someone's gay.
[WILL TURNS AND EXITS. OFFICER BOB CHECKS OUT HIS ASS AS HE LEAVES.]