Episode #2.17
Original Airdate 3/28/2000
Written by Adam Barr
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Shelley Morrison (Rosario McFarland)
Dan Bucatinsky (Neil)
Reggie Hayes (Dr. Osher)
Jennifer Elise Cox (Nurse Trainee Pittman)
Lyndsey Fields (Nurse #1)
Jennie Fahn (Nurse #2)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is fixing his hair in the living room mirror as JACK looks over his shoulder.)
JACK: So... When's your new lover supposed to get here?
WILL: He's not my lover. It's just a date.
JACK: And did you meet lover at lovers' lane? Or did you two make a love connection at the love store while shopping for love letters?
WILL: I forgot to tell you that your mother phoned and left a message. [WILL SMACKS JACK ON THE FOREHEAD] I've told you, he's not my lover, all right? I'm just doing a favor. He's my-- my mother's dentist's bridge partner's son. Which I guess technically makes me... a loser.
JACK: Wait a minute. Yep, I got the same thing.
WILL: I met him once a long time ago, and if memory serves, he thinks he's God's gift to gay men. And if that's true, then God shops at the Newark airport.
JACK: So, where are we taking... lover boy? Mickey D.'s? Chuck E. Cheese? KFC?
WILL: Hopefully nowhere. See, Grace and I have a plan. She's going to call me with some big emergency, and that way I have an out.
JACK: It's so nice Grace does these things for you.
WILL: Mm-hmm.
JACK: Lucky! Someday, I hope to have a hag of my very own.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WILL: That's him. How do I look?
JACK: I'm turned off and repulsed.
WILL: Bonus. [GIVES THUMBS UP]
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR.]
NEIL: Hey, sexy.
WILL: Hi, Neil.
NEIL: Ready to get Neiled?
JACK: [SOTTO TO WILL] Hey, um... You may want to stretch. I know it's been a long time since you've been... Neiled. [TO WILL AND NEIL] Later, lovers! [JACK EXITS.]
WILL: [TO NEIL] So can I, uh, get you a drink?
NEIL: Whoa! Slow down. We'll get there, brown eyes. You're closer than you think.
[THE TELEPHONE RINGS]
WILL: Oh, thank God. Excuse me. [ANSWERING THE PHONE] Grace, hi. What's up?
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] I'm at Mount Sinai Hospital with Karen. Stan's had a heart attack!
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Mount Sinai? Oh, my gosh, that's terrible. I'll be there as soon as I can. [WHISPERING] Perfect. [HANGS UP. TO NEIL] A friend of mine just had a heart attack. So I think we're going to have to do this another night.
NEIL: [FROWNING] Aww... Neil sad.
[THE TELEPHONE RINGS]
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Hello?
[CUT TO GRACE, AT THE HOSPITAL:]
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Will, I'm not joking here. Stan really is in the I.C.U.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Hang on. I'm on my way.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Listen! [TO THE NURSE] Say something hospital.
NURSE #1: [INTO PHONE] Uh-- Uh-- Myocardial infarction. Uh... Lime Jell-O. And, uh, that gown goes on the other way.
[CUT BACK TO WILL'S APARTMENT:]
WILL: [INTO PHONE] I'll be right there. [HANGS UP; TO NEIL] Uh--look, I gotta go. This--this friend of mine... really is in the I.C.U.
NEIL: And later, will... I see you?
WILL: OOh, gee, no.
SCENE II: Mount Sinai Hospital, The Waiting Room
(GRACE is pacing as ROSARIO sits on a couch, knitting.)
GRACE: Ucchh... This is always the worst part about hospitals-- the waiting. Well, that and... needles. [FLINCHING] Ohh... Don't like needles. Don't like looking at them. Don't like hearing about them. You know, I can't even say the name Ringo because he was a Beatle, and that sounds like needle. [FLINCHING] Oh...
WILL: [ENTERING] Hey, hey. How's Stan? What's going on?
GRACE: We don't know. Karen's been in with the doctors for the last hour.
WILL: So what happened?
ROSARIO: She murdered Mr. Stan.
GRACE: I did not! [TO WILL] I was redecorating his study, and Stan comes in and asks me if he could help, so I say, "Sure, would you mind moving the ottoman?" He does. The next thing I know, he collapses on the floor.
WILL: Ohh...
GRACE: [GLARING AT ROSARIO] You lied.
ROSARIO: You should be in jail.
GRACE: Liar.
ROSARIO: Ringo. [GRACE FLINCHES.]
[JACK RUNS BY AT TOP SPEED, RUNNING PAST THE WAITING AREA.]
WILL: Gay ferrets to the waiting area. Gay ferrets to the waiting area.
[JACK RUNS BACK TO THE WAITING AREA.]
JACK: [PANTING] How is he? What's going on? What time did you guys get here? Why is no one talking?
WILL: Would you calm down?
JACK: Don't tell me to calm down! Stan Walker is like a father to me. If anything ever happened to him, I-I-I don't know what I'd-- [LOOKING AROUND] Man, there are some really hot doctors in here. [JACK WAVES, HOLDS HIS HAND TO HIS EAR LIKE A PHONE AND MOUTHS "CALL ME"]
GRACE: Hey! We don't have much news yet. Stan's in the intensive care. [TO ROSARIO] Through no fault of mine.
ROSARIO: Needle! [GRACE FLINCHES]
WILL: Well, what about Karen? I mean, does anybody know how she's doing?
JACK: I'm sure she's fine. If anybody can deal with this, it's Karen.
KAREN: [EXITING STAN'S EXAM ROOM. TO THE NURSE] Where are my husband's pills? It's been 2 hours since I asked for them! Now, you give me Stan's pills at once! I want those pills! Give me my husband's pills!
NURSE #1: I'm sorry, Mrs. Walker. There you go. [HANDS KAREN A CUP OF PILLS AND A CUP OF WATER.]
KAREN: [QUIETLY] Thank you. [SLAMS DOWN THE PILLS.]
[KAREN EXITS BACK INTO STAN'S EXAM ROOM.]
JACK: Look, um... Why don't you guys go on and go home. I can take it from here, ok? Thanks for driving down.
ROSARIO: What?
JACK: Well, we all know who Karen's going to lean on for emotional support. The same person she's always leaned on. Her poodle.
ROSARIO: No offense, chica, but take your cabeza out of your tuchus. If Miss Karen falls apart, you all know who she's gonna come to to pick up the pieces.
JACK: Um...I don't think she'll be coming to anyone who wears a Members Only jacket. I'm telling you, it's going to be me. You're the last person she'd go to. Well, next to Will.
JACK AND ROSARIO: Ha ha ha ha ha!
WILL: Uh... Excuse me. I am her lawyer. And let's not forget, she came to me when she was having trouble with her marriage. She came to me when she needed to do her will. She even came to me about a drinking problem.
ROSARIO: You're kidding?
WILL: Well...she was out of gin. But the--the... The point is, she came to me then, and she will come to me now.
ROSARIO: You think so?
WILL: Yes, I do.
ROSARIO: Care to make it interesting? [PULLS MONEY OUT OF HER PURSE AND WAVES IT AROUND.]
[CUT TO STAN'S EXAM ROOM. KAREN IS ALONE. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.]
DR. OSHER: [ENTERING] Mrs. Walker? I have some news about your husband.
KAREN: Give it to me straight, Doc. Am I looking at a future filled with loneliness and memories of better days? Or is Stan gonna die?
DR. OSHER: Mrs. Walker, the test results came back, and it seems your husband didn't have a heart attack at all--
KAREN: Oh, thank God.
DR. OSHER: But rather, acute angina.
KAREN: [SCOFFS] Heh. You've got a lot of nerve, coming on to me while my husband is dying. Wow.
DR. OSHER: Uh... No, no, Mrs. Walker. Angina is-- [BEAT] You know, he's gonna be fine. Which is good news for us, but I'm not entirely sure how your friends are gonna react.
KAREN: What are you talking about, Dr. Huxtable?
DR. OSHER: You know, they're out there taking bets to see which one you're going to break down to first.
KAREN: Those pigs are making bets on when I'm gonna turn on the waterworks?
DR. OSHER: Would you like me to tell your friends the news?
KAREN: Let's wait on that for a little bit. I've got a better idea. Heh. Ho ho! Ha ha ha ha ha!
[CUT TO THE WAITING ROOM.]
ROSARIO: Ok, so, just so it's clear. The breakdown must include tears of emotional pain only. [TO GRACE] No pulling hair, [TO WILL] no punching, and of course, [TO JACK] no tiny pinches.
JACK: Wait a minute, you guys. Are we being gross?
WILL: No, we're not being gross. Besides, it's either this or 15 hours of reading Highlights magazine. I mean, really, how many times can you find a toaster in a tree? Come on, are you in or are you out? I mean, we know you're out, but are you in? [WILL DROPS MONEY INTO ROSARIO'S BAG]
JACK: Can I borrow a 100?
WILL: Sure.
JACK: I'm in for 50. [DROPS $50 INTO ROSARIO'S BAG, AND $50 INTO HIS SHIRT]
WILL: Grace, you in?
GRACE: Yes, I'm in. I'm in shock, is what I'm in.
ROSARIO: You could bet less.
GRACE: No! How about a little compassion? How about a little selflessness?
KAREN: [PEEKING OUT OF THE EXAM ROOM] Grace, can I see you for a minute?
GRACE: I'm in. [DROPS MONEY INTO ROSARIO'S BAG.]
JACK: Hey! [TO WILL] I can't believe this. I was sure it was gonna be me. I was having fun at the hospital, and now my whole evening is ruined.
NEIL: [ENTERING, TO WILL] Hey, cheeks. [WILL IS SURPRISED.]
JACK: And now the fun is back. [LEANS BACK, SMILING]
[CUT TO STAN'S EXAM ROOM. KAREN IS ALONE WHEN GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: Hi, Karen. Look, I just wanted you to know that if-- [JUMPING BACK] Oh, my god! Oh, my god! What is that on the table? What is that? Is that a needle? Is that somebody's needle, just out there in the open?
KAREN: It's a chopstick, you loon. It came with my lunch. [ROLLS EYES AND SCOFFS]
GRACE: Oh. Anyway, um... I just-- I just wanted you to know that--that if you need to talk or share... Anything... I'm here for you.
KAREN: Grace... We've been working together for, what, 11 years?
GRACE: 18 months.
KAREN: It seems longer. And... you know me better than anyone, so naturally, I want to open up to you, but I-- [KAREN TURNS AWAY]
GRACE: Karen, what-- what is it? What do you need?
KAREN: It's Stan. He needs blood for a bypass. And...he needs it drawn slowly by a large pointy needle.
GRACE: Um... Um, I--I--I-- I doubt that--that I would even match. I've got-- I've got a very rare blood type.
KAREN: I'm sure it'll be fine.
GRACE: What type do they need?
KAREN: What type do you have?
GRACE: What type do they need?
KAREN: What type do you have?
GRACE: Um, AB-negative.
KAREN: That's the type they need. [GRACE FLINCHES.]
[CUT BACK TO THE WAITING ROOM. WILL IS SITTING ON THE COUCH. ROSARIO AND JACK COME AND SIT WITH HIM.]
JACK: What'd I miss?
WILL: Stan needs a bypass.
ROSARIO: [GASPS]
WILL: Grace is donating blood. I don't know how she's gonna do it. I forgot, she's terrified of needles.
JACK: Oh, the poor girl.
WILL: Yeah.
ROSARIO: So is the bet still on?
WILL: Oh, yeah! [WILL, ROSARIO, AND JACK HIGH-FIVE.]
KAREN: [EXITS STAN'S EXAM ROOM. SOFTLY] Hi, everybody.
JACK, WILL, ROSARIO: [ALL TOGETHER] Hey! [THE ALL RUSH TO KAREN TO COMFORT HER.]
KAREN: We don't really know anything yet. They're running some tests. But the doctors feel... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I need to talk to... Ja-- Wil-- Rosario! Where's my Rosie?
ROSARIO: I'm here. You want to talk with me about it?
KAREN: Yes, I do, Rosie. I'm just so worried about Stan. I-- No, I can't. I...
ROSARIO: Come on, let it out.
KAREN: Ok. I-- Ow! Did you just pinch me? I just feel like I have so much emotion just bottled up inside of me, and if I don't let it out, I'll just... I'll... No, it's too filthy in here. I can't.
ROSARIO: What?
KAREN: Well, this place, it's so dirty. I mean, the stench of Medicaid and thermometer lubricants-- It's... eew...
ROSARIO: You want me to clean the hospital?
KAREN: Well... just as much as you can get done. And while you're at it, why don't you take a look around and see what a real hospital corner looks like, ok? Now shift it!
[CUT TO A LARGE EXAM ROOM. GRACE IS SITTING ON THE BED. DR. OSHER ENTERS WITH NURSE TRAINEE PITTMAN, A YOUNG GIRL WHO LOOKS AND SOUNDS LIKE JAN BRADY.]
DR. OSHER: Ok, Ms. Adler. This is Nurse Trainee Pittman. She'll be taking your blood.
NURSE PITTMAN: I like your hair.
GRACE: Whoa. Whoa. Her? Isn't--isn't there someone else who's a little more... experienced? Someone who didn't drive in on a big wheel?
NURSE PITTMAN: Oh, I don't drive. I keep taking the test over and over again, but I'm all... "This is hard."
DR. OSHER: Now, I don't want you to worry, because Nurse Pittman is one of our finest trainees, and I'm gonna be here with you the whole time. [PAGER BEEPS] Sweet! My new Jag's here. [DR. OSHER EXITS.]
NURSE PITTMAN: Don't worry, ma'am. I've done this bunches of times. Mostly on oranges, but...
GRACE: Ok. I have a little-- I have a little problem with that, because you see, I'm not an orange! [HYPERVENTILATING] Ok, I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I--I--I can't do this.
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR. KAREN IS WAITING OUTSIDE THE DOOR.]
KAREN: [TO GRACE] Honey, I can't tell you what this means to me.
[GRACE GOES BACK INSIDE. DR. OSHER WALKS BY AND KAREN GIVES HIM A HIGH-FIVE.]
[KAREN ENTERS THE WAITING ROOM WHERE JACK IS SITTING EATING PEANUTS.]
KAREN: [GASPS] Poodle...
JACK: Oh, Karen, what's the matter?
KAREN: Jack, I'm so worried. I keep thinking about Stan.
JACK: Oh, I know, I know. I keep thinking about him, too. Was that a tear? Did I win? I mean, I'm sorry. Are you ok?
KAREN: Honey, if Stan goes, I'm afraid we're going to have to give up a lot of the luxuries that we've come to enjoy.
JACK: Hey, lady, as long as we've got each other, I don't care about that other stuff. No. [BEAT] What luxuries, exactly?
[CUT TO GRACE AND NURSE PITTMAN IN THE EXAM ROOM.]
NURSE PITTMAN: Now... You may want to have a doughnut and some juice first.
GRACE: First? Isn't it supposed to be after?
NURSE PITTMAN: Right! After, after. [HITTING HER HEAD] Dumb, dumb, dummy!
[CUT TO THE WAITING ROOM. WILL IS ON THE COUCH READING A MAGAZINE. JACK IS SITTING NEXT TO HIM, HOLDING HIS CREDIT CARDS.]
WILL: [TO JACK] What are you-- what are you doing?
JACK: Karen's making me cut up my credit cards. Just wanted to say good-bye. Good-bye, Visa. You were... everywhere I wanted to be. Diner's Club. Didn't really know what you were good for, but... I'll still miss you just the same. And Amex Platinum. I think I'll miss you most of all. [SOBBING]
WILL: Need a tissue, buddy?
JACK: I'm ok.
WILL: Maybe I should get Karen one. When you were talking to her, you really opened her up emot-- Oh, no, actually, that was you blubbering like a little girl. I'm sorry. [LAUGHS]
JACK: You see, this is why she hasn't come to you. [IMITATING A ROBOT] "Hello, my name is Will. I have no human emotions. I am made of only metal, wires, and fat." [MAKING MECHANICAL SOUNDS]
[GRACE APPEARS IN THE WINDOW, AND POUNDS ON IT.]
WILL: For your information, my job is dealing with people in crisis. And I'm particularly good at it. Why? Because I have a sixth sense about when people are in trouble.
[NURSE PITTMAN PULLS GRACE BACK.]
JACK: And yet she still hasn't come to you. Hmm. interesting. Why do you think that is, Arrogancia?
KAREN: [OPENING THE DOOR] Will, can I see you in here for a minute?
WILL: [TO JACK] Go with that. I really think you're onto something.
[WILL ENTERS STAN'S EXAM ROOM.]
WILL: Karen, did you-- did you want to see me?
KAREN: Honey, I--I know we haven't gotten along very well in the past.
WILL: And?
KAREN: That's it. Your turn.
WILL: Look, I-- you must be exhausted, but... I just want you to know that... I'm not just your lawyer. I'm--I'm a human being, you know, with a--with an ear. And a shoulder. And a heart as big as all get-out.
NEIL: [OPENING THE DOOR] Hey, cowboy.
WILL: Get out! Now take a hint! I don't dig you. Ok?
NEIL: Ok, ok. You don't have to tell Neil twice. [NEIL STANDS IN THE DOORWAY, SMILING]
WILL: Apparently you do. Get out! [PUSHES NEIL OUT THE DOOR. TO KAREN] I'm sorry. Where were we?
KAREN: Honey... Who was that?
[CUT TO THE WAITING ROOM. JACK IS LOOKING AT THE CUT-UP PIECES OF HIS CREDIT CARDS.]
JACK: [CRYING] What... What I did for love. [DROPS THE PIECES ON THE FLOOR AND SOBS.]
[GRACE AND NURSE PITTMAN EXIT THE EXAM ROOM INTO THE WAITING ROOM.]
NURSE PITTMAN: I just wanted to say thank you for being my first patient. [SHAKES GRACE'S HAND VIGOROUSLY]
GRACE: Ow, ow, ow, let go, let go, let go, let go!
[ROSARIO PUSHES A BIG FLOOR WAXER PAST GRACE AND INTO THE WAITING ROOM.]
ROSARIO: Ohh! You need a sports bra to run this thing. [TURNS OFF THE WAXER.]
NEIL: [WITH HIS ARM AROUND WILL] What would you like to do to Neil first?
WILL: Well, the first thing is a surprise, but the second thing is bury you.
NEIL: Ooh, hot.
KAREN: Ahem. Can I see you for a minute?
WILL: She was looking right at me!
GRACE: Right here.
ROSARIO: Right here.
[EVERYONE ENTERS STAN'S EXAM ROOM, MURMURING SYMPATHETICALLY]
KAREN: Hold on. Hold on. I just want to tell you that Stan is fine.
WILL: What?
KAREN: There never was any surgery. The doctor says he only has a little angina.
JACK: Wow! What a time to find out your husband's a hermaphrodite.
GRACE: So you were just playing with us when we're trying to help you?
KAREN: By competing to see who I would show my weakness to?
WILL: Karen, you're right--
KAREN: Ba-ba-ga-ga-da-pa-pa! You played with me and you lost. Let that be a lesson to you. I think you forgot, kiddies, Karen Walker doesn't do emotions. Now get the hell out of here.
[EVERYONE LEAVES KAREN IN STAN'S EXAM ROOM.]
ROSARIO: So who wins the money?
WILL: Nobody. We gotta split it back up again.
ROSARIO: Ohh...ok. [LOOKING IN HER PRUSE] It's gone!
WILL: What?! Who-- Jack! [JACK RUNS OFF.]
[CUT TO STAN'S EXAM ROOM. KAREN IS ALONE.]
DR. OSHER: [ENTERING] Mrs. Walker? I meant to give you that earlier. Some of your husband's personal effects. [HANDS KAREN A MANILA ENVELOPE.]
KAREN: Thanks, doc.
DR. OSHER: So you must feel pretty good. Your husband's gonna be fine. You two really dodged a bullet today.
KAREN: Oh, believe me, honey, he's so happy to be alive, I'm gonna be dodgin' it all night.
[DR. OSHER LEAVES. KAREN LOOKS THROUGH THE ENVELOPE.]
KAREN: Oh, Stanley... You and your pudgy little fingers. [CRYING]
GRACE: [ENTERING] Karen, I just want to apolo-- oh, I'm-- I--I'll leave.
KAREN: No. No, it-- don't.
GRACE: You want me to stay?
KAREN: I thought I was going to lose him, Grace. It's funny, you know? You go through life pretty much alone, and then one day, you meet someone and you hit it off. You have some laughs, some tenderness. And then after a dozen cosmos and a private dick's review of his liquid assets, wham, you're married. Then as quickly as it came, it's taken away.
GRACE: But... But nothing's been taken away. Stan's fine.
KAREN: Yeah, but someday he might not be. What do I do then? That man is everything to me.
GRACE: Maybe that's the blessing that's come out of all of this. You know, having Stan almost... you know... made you realize just how much love you've got for him. I guess that's the trick-- To remember that love and--and to show it to him... Every day.
KAREN: You're right. Maybe I'll give him a little booby later.
GRACE: That sounds very romantic.
KAREN: Thank you, Grace. [KAREN GIVES GRACE A QUICK LITTLE HUG.]
GRACE: Does this mean you forgive me?
KAREN: Yeah, you're off the hook. Just as long as nobody finds out about this.
GRACE: About what?
KAREN: That's my girl.
GRACE: I'll call you tomorrow.
KAREN: Oh, Grace, uh... As long as we're being all warm and fuzzy here... You know how I always get on your case about the way you dress and the way you do your hair?
GRACE: Uh-huh. [SMILES]
KAREN: Well... Really... When are you gonna do something about it?