Episode #2.14
Original Airdate 2/22/2000
Written by David Kohan & Max Mutchnick
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Al Roker (Himself)
Corey Parker (Josh)
Jeff Blumenkrantz (Craig Vissay)
Mary Pat Gleason (Sally)
Amy Crofoot (Receptionist)
Jo Marie Payton (Mrs. Freeman)
SCENE I: The 88th Street Sidewalk
(WILL and GRACE are walking down the street. WILL is carrying a bag of groceries and is fiddling with something inside the bag.)
GRACE: Josh is really great, you know. He's sweet, he's kind, he's very in tune with my body. He's a little too fond of the gentle forehead kiss. It's like being kissed by my grandmother. Except Josh doesn't have a mustache. But still, he's a solid "B", "B+".
WILL: God, what do they seal these things with? High grade epoxy? Cookies should be easily accessible.
GRACE: Hey, we're talking about my cookies here.
WILL: I'm listening, I just-- unh! Just grab hold of that end. Will you? Just-- [GRACE PULLS THE BAG OF COOKIES OPEN] Oh, thank you. I've been dying for a Milano since 63rd--
JACK: [RIDING BY ON HIS BIKE, HE GRABS THE COOKIES OUT OF WILL'S HAND] I don't think so.
WILL: Hey! Jack.
JACK: Why eat them? Why not just apply them directly to your man-teats?
WILL: Come on.
GRACE: Will you give him a break? He's skinny. Just let him eat his cookies.
JACK: Hetero skinny is very different than homo skinny. You're not in the club. You wouldn't understand.
WILL: Don't-- [JACK DROPS THE COOKIES INTO A NEARBY GARBAGE CAN.] Ugh. [HANDS GRACE ANOTHER BAG OF COOKIES] Open these.
JACK: What are you guys doing tonight?
GRACE: Josh and I are going to the movies.
JACK: Wrong. Will?
WILL: I was gonna go to the gym--
JACK: Wrong. What is the matter with you people? Will, tonight you're making dinner, and the the of us will be parked in front of your TV to watch our new favorite sitcom, Along Came You.
GRACE: And why is it our new favorite sitcom?
JACK: Because tonight Ed and Gerard are going to kiss. Only the first ever prime time network kiss between two gay men.
WILL: Oh, that's tonight?
JACK: Uh, it's in TV Guide. Don't you read?
GRACE: Great.
JACK: I know, I'm excited, too. [JACK RIDES OFF SCREEN]
GRACE: No, I meant, watch out for the--
[CRASH!]
WILL: Oh...
GRACE: Grate.
WILL: Hey... First ever kiss between a gay man and 88th Street.
JACK: [OFF-SCREEN] Not funny!
WILL: Oh, that was funny. That was funny.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(GRACE and JACK are sitting on the couch in front of the TV. WILL is getting popcorn.)
JACK: Come on, Will, hurry up. You're going to miss it.
WILL: Ok.
WOMAN [VOICE ON TV]: You sure you guys don't want to join me for lunch?
JACK: No, they don't. How come women never know when they're not wanted?
GRACE: If that remark was meant for me, I'm--
JACK: Shh! You gonna talk through the whole show?
FIRST MAN/GERARD [VOICE ON TV]: Well. So it's just us.
SECOND MAN/ED [VOICE ON TV]: Yeah. We're finally alone.
GERARD [ON TV]: Yep, just us. Ed, don't move. You have an eyelash.
WILL: Oh, please. That's the oldest line in the book.
JACK: I've used it.
WILL AND GRACE [BOTH]: Me, too.
JACK: He's moving in. It's gonna happen. Oh, my god. Do you understand, this is bigger than the Moon landing?
WILL: One giant step for man on mankind.
GRACE: Here it comes.
JACK: Oh, let's hold hands.
GRACE: Ok. [ALL THREE HOLD HANDS]
GERARD [ON TV]: I think I'm about to kiss you.
ED [ON TV]: I think I'm about to be kissed.
GRACE: Gay sex is so hot. [WILL AND JACK BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER]
GRACE: This is it, this is it! This is not it. Where's the camera going? Why are we looking at fireplace?
JACK: Get off the flames and follow the flamers!
GRACE: What? Oh, come on, they didn't show us anything.
JACK: I can't believe this.
WILL: Oh, come on, Jack. What did you expect?
JACK: I expected a kiss. I've been preparing for the kiss. I was on a juice fast for 72 hours so I'd look good for the kiss. This is a crime against humanity.
WILL: Jack, two guys didn't kiss on a sitcom. I don't think that warrants reconvening the Nuremberg jury.
JACK: You know what, don't throw your knowledge of current events at me. The network promised we were gonna see some guy-guy lip action.
GRACE: You know, for someone who has a gay porn collection that requires its own storage facility...you seem pretty upset about one kiss.
JACK: Missing the point, darling. By doing this, they are sending a clear message that the way I live my life is offensive.
WILL: Jack, the way you live your life... is offensive, but they should have shown those guys kissing.
SCENE III: Grace's Office
(GRACE and JOSH are entering, returning from lunch. KAREN is at her desk reading a magazine.)
JOSH: I had a really good time. I'm glad we could meet for lunch. Hey, did you get the lumbar pillow I left with your doorman?
GRACE: I did. Thank you. That was, that was so sweet of you.
JOSH: It's filled with tea. The lady at the nature store said it's very soothing, particularly if you're cramping during menses.
GRACE: I had a really nice time. [HUGGING JOSH] Don't say menses.
JOSH: Bye. You'll call me later?
GRACE: I will.
[JOSH KISSES GRACE'S FOREHEAD. JOSH EXITS.]
KAREN: He should be killed.
GRACE: He happens to be the sweetest, most thoughtful, most sensitive guy I have ever gone out with. I think he's great.
KAREN: He makes me wanna barf. I wanna kick him till he's dead, honey.
GRACE: Karen, no. I have just gotten off of a string of really bad boyfriends. Adam-- whose closest thing to a compliment was, "If you lost a little weight in the ass, you'd look pretty good." Alex-- who thought things could be improved by bringing another woman into the relationship. Stoner Jeff-- Who loved his bong more than me. I mean, Josh is the first guy in a long time that treats me like... a goddess.
KAREN: Bye-bye, Josh. [KAREN WASHES SOME PILLS DOWN WITH WATER.]
GRACE: He is sensitive and caring.
KAREN: Thank you for playing.
GRACE: He truly loves and understands women.
KAREN: Don't let the door hit Grace's big ass on your way out.
GRACE: Hey, valley of the dolls. Josh is one in a million. He is sweet and kind and attentive... And he'll be gone by the weekend.
SCENE IV: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
(JACK is sitting at Will's desk, using his phone.)
JACK: [ON THE PHONE] Yes, I'd like to speak to the President of NBC, please. This is Jack McFarland. [BEAT] How long will he be in the meeting? Very fine. I'll call back later. [HANGING UP, THEN REDIALING] Hi, I'd like to speak to the President of NBC, please. It's Julianna Margulies. [BEAT] I have a cold. Hello? Hello?
WILL: [ENTERING] How do you stop unwanted homosexuals from invading your office?
JACK: [FAKING LAUGHTER] Uh-Ha, uh-ha. Come on, we're going down to the network to protest. Chop chop.
WILL: What? You're still on that? Wow. I thought that would go away as quickly as your last big issue: the under-representation of gay animals at the Bronx Zoo.
JACK: They've brought in a family of fruit bats. Coincidence? I don't think so. [JACK PULLS THE PLUG OUT OF WILL'S PHONE] Let's go.
WILL: Jack, I'm not going anywhere. I have to work. So you can eat. You're wasting your time.
JACK: I am outraged by this. Why aren't you?
WILL: Because I'm realistic. Clearly, nobody wants to see 2 men kissing on television. Not the network, not the viewers, not the advertisers...
JACK: That's right, Will. They wanna pretend we're invisible. Well, what about our constitutional right to see two hotties get it on?
WILL: Would that be the constitution that begins [CLAPPING] "Wheee, the people?" Jack, you're fighting a losing battle. Go to my place, steal a sweater, have a nice afternoon... And leave the silly protest to Woody Harrelson and his hemp flip-flops.
JACK: Look, Will... I don't like to say this, but I need you. Sure, I have the face and the bod, hence the modeling career and the early years of dance--
WILL: What?
JACK: But you, you're the dowdy, bookish sister. You're Will... plain and tall. I need you and your ten-dollar words and your be-that-as-it-mays to help me make my case.
WILL: Really? We can't just draw on your early years of dance? [JACK SLAPS WILL'S HAND AWAY.]
MRS. FREEMAN: [ENTERING] When you and your boyfriend here are done with your little game of slap and tickle... Mr. Doucette would like for you to call him in the car.
WILL: He's not my boyfriend.
MRS. FREEMAN: Whatever you say.
JACK: Will, you coming or not?
WILL: Jack, no, I'm sorry. I can't.
JACK: Well, then just so you know, we are no longer friends.
WILL: Yeah. That's what you said last week at the movies when I left you the black jujubee.
JACK: Thanks a lot, Will. Thanks for recognizing when something is really important to me. [JACK EXITS]
SCENE V: Grace's Office
(WILL is vaccuuming the dust around Grace's mantle. There are still unpacked boxes everywhere. GRACE enters.)
GRACE: I thought you promised to wear a French maid's uniform the next time you did this.
WILL: The place is filthy. [POINTING TO THE BOXES] P.S., lived here 7 months, you may want to think about unpacking.
GRACE: P.S., I thought we talked about the P.S. What are you doing?
WILL: Just trying to help out. By the way, you have milk in the refrigerator that's so bad, it's now good cheese. [DIGGING THROUGH BOXES] Where do you keep the scrubby stuff?
GRACE: What did you do to Jack?
WILL: What?
GRACE: Every time you're a bad friend to Jack, you always become a better friend to me.
WILL: He wants me to go down to the network and complain about this whole kiss thing, and I said no, and he's mad at me. I mean... How ridiculous is that?
GRACE: Hmm.
WILL: Hmm? What? You think I'm wrong?
GRACE: All I said was "hmm."
WILL: Oh, but there was so much behind that "hmm."
GRACE: Ok. Look, Jack has been focused on one issue for more than a day and a half. This is big. It may be ridiculous, but it's important to him. And he is your friend. I mean, to me that's reason enough to support him.
WILL: Can we talk about something else?
GRACE: Ooh, pushed a button.
WILL: Broken up with Josh yet?
GRACE: Could we talk about something else?
WILL: Ooh, pushed a button.
GRACE: I'm going to break up with him tonight, ok?
[CUT TO THE NEXT MORNING. GRACE AND JOSH ARE IN BED.]
JOSH: Last night was really special. [JOSH KISSES GRACE'S FOREHEAD.]
GRACE: Yeah... It was.
SCENE VI: NBC Studios Headquarters
(JACK is at the RECEPTIONIST'S desk.)
JACK: Do you really think that look scares me? [SCOFFS] I once walked in on Faye Dunaway with a wig cap. Now, I'm not leaving here until the president of the network hears what I have to say.
RECEPTIONIST: Please have a seat, sir.
JACK: You're very crafty, aren't you? But just so you know, I'm not going anywhere. I'll chain myself to the desk if I have to.
WILL: [ENTERING] He will. He has his own chains.
JACK: Oh, my god, Will, I knew you'd come! I mean, what are you doing here?
WILL: I'm here to help you. Together you and I are going to stick it to the man.
JACK: Good idea, but let's do this first.
SCENE VII: Grace's Apartment
(GRACE is sitting behind a chair dialing the phone. JOSH is sleeping in her bed.)
GRACE: [DIALING THE PHONE] Karen? It's Grace. [BEAT] Grace Adler.
[CUT TO KAREN'S PENTHOUSE. KAREN IS HAVING A BUBBLE BATH. STAN'S BIG FEET ARE NEXT TO HER HEAD.]
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Honey, how'd you get this number?
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] You gave me this number in case of emergencies, remember?
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Oh, yeah. Right, right. Good, yeah, I want you to have it. [HOLDING HAND OVER PHONE, TO STAN] Stanley, have Butler change all the phone numbers on the second floor. [INTO PHONE] So, what's going on, honey?
[CUT BACK TO GRACE'S APARTMENT.]
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] I have to be mean and I need an expert.
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Well, I'm flattered. What can I do you for? [TO STAN] Stan, that had better be soap on a rope.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Um, Karen, I-I... I can't get rid of this guy. He's--he's a sweetheart, but he's just not for me, and I just... I just don't know how to say it to his face.
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Yeah, well, say it to his bald spot as you push him out of the cab. Bye-bye.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] No, no, no! Wait. Wait, I can't do it that way. How do I explain this? Most human beings... are endowed with the capacity to feel emotion.
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Well, they're weak.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Come on, help me. I need a good lie.
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Oh, I know. Honey, come on, that's easy. Just tell him you're madly in love with Will. Of course, I don't know where the lie part comes in, but-- [KAREN SMACKS STAN'S FEET AWAY] Now, I think it'll work.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] You know what, this was a mistake. I'm sorry I even called you. Good-bye.
[GRACE HANGS UP. JOSH SUDDENLY APPEARS OVER THE CHAIR.]
JOSH: Hey. I'm gonna go pick you up some wild yam essence. [JOSH KISSES GRACE'S FOREHEAD.]
GRACE: Thanks.
JOSH: It helps with breast tenderness brought on by water retention.
SCENE VIII: NBC Studios Headquarters
(JACK is sitting on a couch in the reception area, talking with SALLY.)
JACK: And just as Ed and Gerard were about to kiss, they cut away to the fireplace. And I just find that reprehensible. What's your complaint?
SALLY: I want Carson back.
JACK: That's, uh, important, too. Ah, have you always been political?
SALLY: You're speaking a little too loudly.
JACK: Oh, I'm sorry.
SALLY: No, not you. [SALLY BEGINS "LISTENING" TO A VOICE]
WILL: [ENTERING] I spoke to one of their P.R. people and he said they're sending someone down to talk to us. [SOTTO, MOTIONING TOWARDS SALLY] Who's this?
JACK: Will, this is my new friend, [SOTTO] Crazy.
WILL: Gotcha.
SALLY: [TO WILL] Hey-oh!
WILL: Hi...
SCENE IX: Grace's Apartment
(GRACE and JOSH are sitting in bed.)
JOSH: So, to do the Keigel exercise, you just clench and release. It's really quite wonderful. Like sit-ups for love's sweet flower.
GRACE: Wow. Almost brought up a little yam there.
SCENE X: NBC Studios Headquarters
(JACK and WILL are sitting on the couch in the reception area. SALLY is in front of them, holding an envelope on her forehead.)
SALLY: Mmm... Siss-boom-bah. [OPENING THE ENVELOPE AND READING THE PAPER INSIDE] What do you hear when Scrooge passes a stone? Oh, that's very funny. Ha ha ha ha!
WILL: [TO JACK] Why do I get the creeping fear that she enjoys her life more than I do?
JACK: Because she has 250 people in her head, none of whom own a toothbrush. [HOLDS HIS NOSE.]
CRAIG: [ENTERING, TO THE RECEPTIONIST] Get this over to Ross Wyman's office. [TO WILL AND JACK] Uh... Hi. I'm Craig Vissay, Executive Vice President in charge of Public Relations for the Office of the President of the Network.
WILL: You're his assistant. We spoke earlier.
CRAIG: Anyway. I've been sent down here to respond to your complaint regarding the kiss on Along Came You.
JACK: Yes, we are outraged. I hope you presented him with my letter and the petition.
CRAIG: I did.
WILL: And what did he have to say?
CRAIG: Well, it was discussed at length, and the final word is... "No comment." Have a good day, gentlemen, and thank you for visiting us at NBC.
SALLY: [SINGING NBC THEME] Ding ding dong!
WILL: Wait...no, no, no, whoa. Wait. Look, we are loyal viewers and consumers. And we find your policies unfair and discriminatory. What you need to understand--
CRAIG: No, sir, what you need to understand is that this network has a responsibility to its audience. Now, I understand your disappointment. Believe me... I understand. [SMILING, TO JACK] Hi.
JACK: Hi.
CRAIG: But you will never see two gay men kissing on network television.
JACK: Wha-- It's a gay network, for God's sake! The symbol is a peacock!
CRAIG: Have a nice day. [TO SALLY] Sally... Come on in, he'll see you now.
SALLY: Ok, let's go, everybody. I said now!
SCENE XI: Outside NBC Studios Headquarters
(JACK and WILL are walking down the street away from the NBC building.)
JACK: That was appalling, it's a travesty of justice. We need to take this all the way to the Supreme Court. We have friends there. You know, we'll talk to that gay justice. You know, that little fellow we like with the glasses.
WILL: Jack, we've been over this. Ruth Bader Ginsberg is a woman.
JACK: Yeah, well, I am not done with this. We need to get our message out there. You know, put it on the national stage. I know! I'll write an epic poem and post it on my website-- www.justjack.com. What's an epic poem?
WILL: It's long.
JACK: Ok, scratch that. Ok, thinking, thinking, thinking... I know, I'll use the news media. I'll talk to Al Roker.
WILL: Yeah, 'cause as everyone knows, once you have an avuncular weatherman on your side there's no end to your power.
JACK: No, he's right over there doing the Today show. Al! [JACK RUNS ACROSS THE STREET.]
SCENE XII: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, The Breakroom
(MRS. FREEMAN is getting a cup of coffee, watching the Today show.)
AL ROKER [ON TV]: All right! Well, this is just great, all right! Let's check your weather and see what's happening, shall we?
MRS. FREEMAN: Mm-mmm. Big old handsome warm front coming in from the south. Whoo!
SCENE XIII: Karen's Penthouse, Master Bathroom
(KAREN is still in the tub. The TV is on in the background.)
KAREN: Oh, Stanley, you know I don't find that funny. Now, get me another towel and put it on the real towel rack.
SCENE XIV: Grace's Office, The Bedroom
(GRACE and JOSH are still in bed. The TV is on in the background.)
GRACE: Um, Josh... I-I have something that I really need to tell you, and I don't know how to say it, other than to just come out with it. Um...I'm in love with another man.
JOSH: You're--
GRACE: It's Will. You--you met him. He lives across the hall.
JOSH: Oh.
SCENE XV: Outside NBC Studios Headquarters
(JACK is pushing through the crowd towards Al Roker who is filming live for the Today show. WILL is following him.)
JACK: Al, Al!
WILL: Jack, there's a thousand people here. He's not gonna talk to you.
JACK: Al, it's my birthday, I'm a 100 years old. Talk to me!
AL ROKER: What's your name?
JACK: Hi. [JACK TOUCHES AL'S FACE] Oh, my god, Al Roker. Um, I don't know if you recognize me, but, uh, my name is Jack McFarland, and I do a one man show every Wednesday night at the duplex, called "Just Jack." Additional info on my website at www.justjack.com.
AL ROKER: Just Jack? What happened to Jill? You guys have a fight? "No, it's my pail of water." "No, it's my pail of water." "No, it's my pail of water."
JACK: [NOT LAUGHING] Oh, my god, that's so funny. Anyways, um, the reason we're here. Um, I don't know if you're aware, but on this week's episode of Along Came You, there was supposed to be a kiss and there wasn't.
AL ROKER: You know, Jack, sometimes a kiss is just not a kiss. [TO THE CROWD] Do we have any annivers--
JACK: Whoa, whoa, whoa, back to Jack. We went to complain, and this closet case upstairs-- cute, in an offbeat way, got his number-- totally gave us the brush off. And I just want to know how long I'm going to have to wait until I can see two gay men kiss on network television.
WILL: Not as long as you'd think.
[WILL GRABS JACK AND PASSIONATELY KISSES HIM. THE CROWD CHEERS.]
[CUT TO KAREN'S PENTHOUSE.]
KAREN: [GASPS, FALLING UNDER THE WATER] Oh my Lord!
[CUT TO MRS. FREEMAN.]
MRS. FREEMAN: Not your boyfriend, my ass.
[CUT TO GRACE'S APARTMENT.]
GRACE: That's the love of my life... Kissing that guy.
SCENE XVI: Will's Apartment
(WILL and JACK are just entering after their TV appearance.)
WILL: Man, that was incredible! I mean, 4 seconds before we did it, I didn't know I was going to do it. And then... I just did it.
JACK: Yes, Will... Brava. I mean, but let's be honest with each other. We both know what actually happened this morning.
WILL: [CONFUSED] Remind us.
JACK: Masking your attraction to me with a political agenda. I mean, you are so transparent.
WILL: Wow, nothing gets by you.
JACK: I just pray none of my boyfriends saw that tragic display. 'Cause that's like five serious long-term relationships down the tube.
WILL: Five, huh. That's a lot of balls in the air. I just... I just can't believe we did it.
JACK: Yes, well, despite how creepy the motivation, a lot of people out there owe us a big fat thank you.
GRACE: [ENTERING, SLAMMING THE DOOR] Well, thank you very much! Because of your little on-air lip lock I'm going to spend the next week in an ashram with no heat with my undumped boyfriend Josh.
WILL: I thought you were going to break up with him.
GRACE: I was. Until some big queen on the Today show blew my alibi. [GRACE EXITS, SLAMMING THE DOOR]
WILL AND JACK [BOTH]: She's talking about you.