Episode #1.22
Original Airdate 5/13/99
Written by Adam Barr
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Tom Verica (Danny)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Franklin Cover (Justice of the Peace)
Bob Morrisey (Man #2)
Steve Sandoval (Janitor)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is showing WILL her outfit.)
GRACE: What do you think of this, too cute?
WILL: No, not at all. I just--I worry that the rag-tag group of French pirates you stole it from... are gonna riddle our home with cannon fire.
GRACE: Will, don't you know the old adage: "Guys who wear jellies shouldn't throw stones"?
WILL: Touché! So, who you going out with?
GRACE: Uh, just a guy. [GRACE EXITS TO HER BEDROOM.]
WILL: Who?!
GRACE: [OFF SCREEN] Stay there. I wanna change my shirt.
[WILL PRESSES PLAY ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE TO LISTEN TO THE MESSAGES.]
ANSWERING MACHINE: [BEEP.] [JACK'S VOICE:] Hi, Will, it's Jack. Listen, two things: very important. I got-- [WILL PRESSES DELETE.]
ANSWERING MACHINE: [BEEP.] [JACK'S VOICE:] Hi. It's me again. I-- [WILL PRESSES DELETE.]
ANSWERING MACHINE: [BEEP.] [JACK'S VOICE:] And one more thing. You'll never believe who gave me a-- [WILL PRESSES DELETE.]
ANSWERING MACHINE: [BEEP.] [MAN'S VOICE:] Grace, hey. It's Danny. Uh, just confirming tonight. If I don't hear from you, I'll pick you up at 8:00.
GRACE: [ENTERING] Ok, this better work 'cause it's either this or the peach bridesmaid's dress.
WILL: So, you're not gonna tell me who this guy is?
GRACE: Will, it's really no big deal.
WILL: No, come on. I'm just curious. Is it a blind date? Or a new client? Or...I don't know, your ex-fiancé, who you wasted 2 years of your life with until you finally came to your senses and left him at the altar? Or what? Grace, why are you doing this?
GRACE: Why don't we try something new? Why don't we experiment with letting me run my life?
WILL: What is that supposed to mean?
GRACE: Oh, it's just that sometimes-lately-all the time, you have a tendency-habit-compulsion to run my life.
WILL: Well, excuse me for caring. It's just I'm the one that always has to clean up the mess. I'm like the little guy in the circus who has to follow the elephant around with a bucket.
GRACE: That is a horrible analogy.
WILL: You know what I'm saying.
GRACE: Nobody asked for your help, Will.
WILL: Yeah, said the girl who dragged me home for clothing advice... At noon! No, I wouldn't go with that scarf.
GRACE: Oh, you're right. [BEAT] So just stay out of this!
WILL: Fine, fine. All you had to do was ask. Fly solo!
GRACE: Thank you. That's what I'd prefer--to fly solo. [GRACE EXITS TO HER BEDROOM.]
WILL: Good! [SOTTO] Before you do, I would rethink those pants.
GRACE: [OFF-SCREEN] I heard that!
SCENE II: Will's Office (WILL and JACK are sitting on the couch.)
WILL: So, you want to have dinner tonight?
JACK: Wait a minute. What--what's going on here?
WILL: I like you?
JACK: Since when?
WILL: Always.
JACK: I don't like where this is going.
WILL: What? I just--I want your company. [BEAT] Ok, Grace has a date. With Danny, if you can believe that.
JACK: Oh, my god! Danny Bonaduce of the Partridge Family?
WILL: Uh, no. Good guess, though!
JACK: Wait a minute. Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny... [GASPS] As in "ex" Danny? Hmm. So how long did you wait before you told her it was a bad idea? Did you bite her head off and get to the creamy center? Grrr!
WILL: There is nothing wrong with sharing an opinion.
JACK: [SCOFFS] There is when you do it, Will. It's called meddling, and some of us are sick of it.
WILL: What? What is everybody talking about? I don't meddle.
JACK: Oh, no? Let's put Will through the meddle detector, shall we? [JACK WAVES HIS ARM UP AND DOWN WILL'S BODY] Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot... [MOCKING WILL] "Jack, he's already in a relationship." "Jack, he's a member of the clergy!" "Jack, are you sure you wanna date someone with 3 strikes?" Naughty boys need love, too, you know what I'm sayin'?
[WILL'S INTERCOM BUZZES]
WILL'S SECRETARY [OVER INTERCOM]: Will, Karen and Rosario are here.
WILL: [INTO INTERCOM] Send them in.
JACK: And she's here with her maid? Jack's intrigued.
WILL: Jack's leaving. Buh-bye.
JACK: Oh, come on. Let me stay. Karen and I are lovers.
WILL: [OPENING THE DOOR] Karen, come on in. [KAREN ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY ROSARIO.]
KAREN: [TO JACK] Oh, hi, poodle!
WILL: [TO JACK] Bye, poodle. [PUSHING JACK OUT THE DOOR] Here, go buy yourself some lunch.
JACK: Ok. [TO KAREN] Keep me posted. I wanna know if-- [WILL SLAMS THE DOOR IN JACK'S FACE.]
KAREN: Will, this is Rosario.
WILL: It's nice to meet you.
KAREN: [TO ROSARIO] Come on, honey... [SLOWLY] Sit-o down-o. Try not to talk-o.
ROSARIO: [TO WILL] You hear how she talks to me? I speak English, ok?
KAREN: Oh, yeah, except when it's time to work. Then it's all, "No hablo inglés."
ROSARIO: I work like a dog. It's not my fault that you and Mr. Stan are pigs. [TO WILL] They're pigs.
KAREN: I don't wanna hear it, Rosario! It's the same song and dance, week after week, month after month! [TO WILL] I'm nervous, Will. I can't live without Rosario. Please, you've gotta help me out.
WILL: Maybe you're better off without her.
KAREN: How can you say that, honey? She--
WILL: I'm talking to Rosario.
ROSARIO: [TO WILL] Why do you say that about Miss Karen? I love Miss Karen. [TO KAREN, POINTING TO HER OUTFIT] I thought we talked about that suit.
KAREN: Ok, listen, señorita!
ROSARIO: Don't you start with me!
[KAREN AND ROSARIO ARGUE, OVERLAPPING EACH OTHER]
WILL: Ho! Ho! Hey! Ho! Wow! Tonight on Springer: Shallow socialites and the maids who abuse them. Look, um... We can apply for citizenship or get a temporary work visa, but these things take time. Short of marrying someone, I don't see any quick solution.
KAREN: Well, how would that work? I mean, just for argument's sake.
WILL: Well, she would get married, but her groom-to-be would have to be a U.S. citizen with no ties. Someone who's available, but not looking for a romantic entanglement.
JACK: [OUTSIDE THE WINDOW, WITH HIS NOSE PRESSED AGAINST IT] Hey, you guys, look! I'm Will's last boyfriend. [JACK SQUEALS LIKE A PIG. EVERYONE IS STARING AT HIM] What?
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are getting bagels for breakfast.)
GRACE: Don't you want to hear about my date last night with Danny?
WILL: None of my business. [POINTING TO BAGELS] Shmear?
GRACE: Shmaybe later.
WILL: Shmuit yourself.
GRACE: Anyway, it was really interesting. What a change since the last time I saw him. He's-- He looks great. He's happier. He's more focused... [DANNY WALKS OUT OF GRACE'S BEDROOM--WEARING A PAIR OF BOXER SHORTS AND A T-SHIRT] And he's here. How about that? Hi, Danny! Heh...
DANNY: Morning! [TO WILL] Hey, dude, heh heh heh!
WILL: Hey, Danny. How you doing?
DANNY: All right. I'm all right. How about you? You, uh--you know, you still into guys and all that?
WILL: Yeah, I'm afraid so. The antibiotics just didn't seem to work. [DANNY EXITS TO GRACE'S ROOM TO GET DRESSED.]
GRACE: Before you say anything, let me just tell you something about Danny, ok? He's completely different. People do change, Will, and Danny has changed. In fact...he's changing right now, ha ha! Thank you, I'll be here all week. No, seriously, Will. He really has grown.
WILL: Ok.
GRACE: Ok?
WILL: Ok.
GRACE: "Ok"? "Ok"? Why don't you just punch me in the stomach?! Wow, you just can't hold back, can you? "Ok."
WILL: Grace, I mean ok. Whatever you think best.
GRACE: Now you're just being cruel. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm an idiot for going back into a relationship that didn't work. Well, first of all, how dare you call me an idiot?! And second of all, did it ever occur to you that maybe we needed this time apart to figure out how important we were to each other? Did that ever cross your mind, huh? Ok, fine. You raise a valid point. Do people really change, or are they the same football-watching, steak knife-giving, I-gotta-blow-outta-here frat boy they always were?
WILL: Ah.
GRACE: Oh! Oh, ho ho ho ho! Oh!!
WILL: Grace, I just said "ah."
GRACE: Yeah, but clearly, by "ah," you meant "ok," and I think we all know now what that means! [BEAT] What does it mean?! Tell me!
WILL: Excuse me! Yesterday, you told me you wanted me to mind my own business. Why do you now want to know what I think?
GRACE: Because... I was testing you. And, luckily, you passed. Because if you had given me your opinion on this very confusing issue, I really would've been mad because I don't need it. I can make my own decisions for myself, ok?
DANNY: [ENTERING] You know what? I gotta blow outta here.
GRACE: Oh. Ok, why don't I walk you to the door?
DANNY: Yeah. Will, you mind if I grab a bagel?
WILL: Whatever you think is best.
GRACE: Oh, you're good.
DANNY: So, listen, Gracie... It was... It was great seeing you again. What about maybe going away this weekend? [GRACE LOOKS AT WILL] You know what? Never mind, never mind. I forgot that to have a relationship with Grace, is to have a relationship with Will and Grace. It was always a threesome, and not the good kind. [DANNY KISSES GRACE] I'll talk to you later. [DANNY EXITS]
SCENE IV: Grace's Office
(JACK is being fitted for a tux. ROSARIO is trying on her wedding dress. KAREN is at her desk.)
JACK: You know, it's funny. I always imagined myself a December bride. But there is something about a last-minute marriage to an illegal alien for $1,000 that has a romance all its own.
ROSARIO: Miss Karen, I need a new dress. I can't breathe in this.
KAREN: Funny, it fit yesterday... Before the frozen turkey mysteriously disappeared.
[KAREN AND ROSARIO ARGUE, OVERLAPPING EACH OTHER]
KAREN: Jack, honey, take good care of my angel.
JACK: For the honeymoon, I think I'll bring Dan instead of Doug. Rosario, who are you gonna bring?
WILL: [ENTERING] Oh, Jack, look at you. Is this the little girl I carried? Ok, I've drawn up your papers. I'll need you both to review them before your meeting with the immigration people. Speaking of which, pop quiz: Jack, what side of the bed does Rosario sleep on?
JACK: She sleeps in a hammock on the sun porch. How the hell should I know?
WILL: Because if you don't know, she's going to be deported. Rosario, where does Jack work?
ROSARIO: He's on The Guiding Light.
JACK: [TO WILL] I sent them a tape of Just Jack. It's just a matter of time.
ROSARIO: [MIMICKING JUST JACK] Solamente Yack!
JACK: Gracias.
WILL: Ok, Jack, this is serious, ok? It's not like the time you pretended to be Jewish so you could get that rabbi's phone number.
JACK: Oh...what a mistake. A guy who can't go out on a Friday night.
KAREN: [TO JACK] Honey, here's my credit card. [KAREN HANDS JACK HER CREDIT CARD.] Take your bride to lunch and pump her for some intimate details, ok?
JACK: [TO ROSARIO] Ok. Come on, wifey. It's happy hour at Boy Bar, and if anybody asks, you're a drag queen.
ROSARIO: As long as they have chicken wings, I'm fine.
[JACK AND ROSARIO EXIT.]
WILL: [TO KAREN] So, where's Grace? I haven't seen her all week.
KAREN: Hmm, I don't know. Something about work. I try not to get involved. Honey, what-- what's this? What's happening? What's going on?
WILL: Nothing.
GRACE: You're smelling her pencils.
WILL: I just wanted to make sure they're fresh.
KAREN: All right, save it for the laugh shack, honey. I'm busy. Jack wants a monkey as the ring bearer.
WILL: See you at-- No, I'm sorry. It's this whole-- It's this whole Grace-and-Danny thing. Does this not have "gigantic mistake" written all over it? I don't wanna be a meddler, but--
KAREN: Honey, honey, honey... I sense this is gonna go on for quite a while, so let me just boil all this hoo-ha down to two important points: One-- [MOTIONING TO WILL'S SUIT] Brown is over. And two-- You need to get a life.
WILL: You don't understand--
KAREN: Get a life.
WILL: But I'm Grace's--
KAREN: [CLOSES WILL'S MOUTH] Life! All right, honey, you're done. That's good. [KAREN PUSHES WILL OUT.]
SCENE V: The Wedding Chapel
(ROSARIO and KAREN are waiting as JACK runs by.)
JACK: Oh, I don't see you! I don't see you! This is so fun!
ROSARIO: This is so stupid. I look like a piñata.
KAREN: Yeah, and if I beat you with a stick, I could watch all my money fall out. Now, how about a little appreciation for all of this?
ROSARIO: All I want is my green card, not a party I have to clean up after.
KAREN: If it wasn't for this, you'd be flying back to Cucaracha on Air Guacamole with live chickens running up and down the aisle!
ROSARIO: Listen, lady, I'm gonna snap you like a twig and throw you in a bush!
KAREN: Yeah, I'd like to see you try.
[KAREN AND ROSARIO ARGUE, OVERLAPPING EACH OTHER.]
KAREN: Oh, my god! [HUGGING ROSARIO] My little girl's getting married!
[CUT TO THE INSIDE OF THE CHAPEL. THE ORGAN IS PLAYING "SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY" SLOWLY AND CHURCH-LIKE.]
JACK: [TO VARIOUS GUESTS, MAKING HIS WAY TO THE ALTAR] Hi. So nice to see you. Thanks for coming. Oh, you cut your hair. It looks great. How's the baby? Oop, somebody better lighten up on the fusilli there, huh? [TO WILL AND GRACE] I don't know a person here. How about that?
[THE ORGAN BEGINS PLAYING "THE WEDDING MARCH." KAREN ESCORTS ROSARIO DOWN THE AISLE.]
ROSARIO: Oh, something's ripped.
KAREN: Yeah, me.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Like my new bracelet? Danny gave it to me.
WILL: It's nice.
KAREN: [TO EVERYONE] Thank you all for coming. I know my husband Stan would've loved to have been here tonight, but, regrettably, could not attend, as he is at home watching the Knicks game. However, I know he would echo my sentiments in saying, Rosario, by marrying Jack, we're not losing a maid. We're...keeping a maid. [KAREN SITS DOWN.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] He gave it to me over dinner last night. He cooked. Can you believe Danny cooks now?
WILL: Hmm. He's the bomb.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: Welcome. We are gathered here today to join this man, John Phillip McFarland, and this woman... Rosario Inez Consuela Yolanda Salazar... In the bond of holy matrimony. And today, Rosario and Jack take their first step on the road to true intimacy.
[THE WAITERS GIGGLE, CHORTLE, AND SNORT]
JACK: Shut up, you guys!
GRACE: [TO WILL] Danny still wants to take me to the country for the weekend. What do you think?
WILL: [TO GRACE] Depends which country. Chechnya? No.
GRACE: [TO WILL] I also think I'm falling back in love with him.
WILL: Oh, that is beautiful. Are you out of your mind? Are you so intent on ruining your life? My god! Pamela Anderson makes better choices than you!
GRACE: [STANDING UP, YELLING] Gotcha! [EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT GRACE.] [TO JACK AND ROSARIO] A toaster. Gotcha a toaster! You registered for that, right? [JACK MOTIONS FOR GRACE TO SIT DOWN. GRACE SITS DOWN.] [WHISPERING TO WILL:] I knew it. I knew you thought it was a bad idea. That's why I broke up with Danny yesterday.
WILL: You...? Why have you been baiting me for the last 10 minutes?
GRACE: 'Cause I needed to make sure you thought Danny was still a mistake.
WILL: Of course I thought Danny was a mistake.
GRACE: Well, why couldn't you have expressed that earlier and saved me the agony of having to make my own decision?
WILL: Believe me, Grace, I don't want you making your own decisions any more than you do. But you did tell me to butt out.
GRACE: Oh, don't play that game with me. You know damn well that "butt out" means "back off temporarily until the right moment presents itself to butt back in again."
WILL: Forgive me. I left my Grace-to-English dictionary at home. Next time, just tell me when to butt in, and when to butt out, and when to do the hokey-pokey, and when to turn myself around!
GRACE: Don't make me seem like the unhealthy, crazy one, when you're the one who wouldn't tell me what to do.
THE MAN SITTING BEHIND WILL AND GRACE: Hey, hey, hey... How long have you two been married? 'Cause maybe it's been long enough.
GRACE: We're not married.
WILL: I'm gay.
THE MAN: Well, if you're not married and you're gay, what the hell is all this about?
[LATER... THE CHAPEL IS EMPTY. WILL AND GRACE ARE HAVING A DRINK ALONE.]
GRACE: Wow... Jack just married Karen's maid. Unbelievable.
WILL: I know. I haven't seen a kiss that uncomfortable since Richard Gere and Jodie Foster in Somersby.
GRACE: [SIGHS] Why do I care so much about your opinion?
WILL: Maybe because you don't trust yourself. The big question is why do I care so much about how you conduct your love life?
GRACE: Maybe because... you've got nothing going on in your own.
WILL: Ouch. Not untrue, but ouch.
GRACE: I wanna get married, Will.
WILL: Maybe you didn't get the memo, but I'm st--
GRACE: Not to you, Nervous. [SIGHS] I wanna kiss a guy under one of these things.
WILL: Me, too. So...wanna see how it feels to kiss a guy under one of these things? [WILL KISSES GRACE ON THE LIPS.] I don't think we should live together anymore.
GRACE: The kiss wasn't that bad, Will. [BEAT] I don't think we should live together anymore, either.
WILL: It's just when you moved in, it was so we could heal and then move on.
GRACE: I know and I don't feel like I've moved on. Have you?
WILL: I'm standing here making out with a girl. That's the international symbol for not moving on.
[JACK RUNS IN, WITH KAREN FOLLOWING.]
KAREN: Jack, get your ass back out there and finish your chimichanga! You're the host!
JACK: I don't want to! Rosario's been doing tequila shooters, and she's getting real handsy. Ah, marriage sucks. [TO WILL AND GRACE] You guys are the only ones who have it figured out.
KAREN: Come on, Yack. We're going back out there. You still gotta do the napkin dance with Rosario's mother!
[KAREN AND JACK EXIT BACK TO THE RECEPTION.]
JANITOR: [ENTERING] Hey, I've gotta lock up. You think you two can move on?
GRACE: Yeah.
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: I think we can.
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.]
[End]