Episode #1.16
Original Airdate 3/2/99
Written by Ellen Idelson & Rob Lotterstein
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan
Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
David Newsom (Peter)
Earl Schuman (Driver)
Mario Schugel (Handsome Guy)
SCENE I: The Hallway outside Will's Apartment
(GRACE exits the apartment, presses the elevator button.
The elevator opens it's packed with boxes, and PETER.)
GRACE: Oh. That's ok. I'll just wait for the next one.
PETER: [Ahem.]
GRACE: [NOTICING PETER] Or not. [GETS IN THE ELEVATOR] I was going down, but I don't have to go straight down. We're all so goal oriented. It's really all about the journey, isn't it?
PETER: And the company. I'm, uh, Peter.
GRACE: So I see. [POINTING AT BOXES, WHICH HAVE HIS NAME ON THEM]
PETER: Oh.
GRACE: Uh, Grace, Grace Adler. Well, just Grace Adler. It would be a little weird if Grace was my middle name, too.
PETER: Yeah, yeah. Imagine how Boutros Boutros-Ghali feels. I'm, uh, moving into 12D.
GRACE: Oh, yeah. I've been in that one. It's a--it's a 2 bedroom, right?
PETER: No, just a one bedroom. Just me.
GRACE: Just good.
SCENE II: The Hallway outside Will's Apartment
(Later. WILL exits the apartment, presses the elevator
button. The elevator opens it's packed with boxes, and PETER.)
PETER: Oh. Actually I'm going up.
WILL: Oh, well, that's ok. I'm a Scorpio. We love to travel. [ENTERS THE ELEVATOR]
PETER: Is everyone is this building good-looking?
WILL: Oh, no. We make the ugly ones take the stairs. You, uh, moving in?
PETER: Yeah, yeah. [LOOKING AROUND THE ELEVATOR] She's a little small, but, uh, I got some ideas.
WILL: I'm Will.
PETER: Oh, Peter. 12D. [THEY SHAKE HANDS]
WILL: 12D. That's a studio, isn't it?
SCENE III: Grace's Office
(GRACE
is working as KAREN arrives.)
KAREN: Oh! Sorry I'm late. My driver hit a pedestrian on 57th Street, and we had to stop and blah, blah, blah…
GRACE: Oh my god! Is he ok?
KAREN: Mmm, a little rattled, but he always gets like that when he hits someone.
GRACE: Karen, you have to do something about him. Eventually, you know, he's going to kill someone.
KAREN: Heh heh.
GRACE: You understand that would be wrong, don't you?
KAREN: Yeah, I guess. Wh...
GRACE: Fire him.
KAREN: Grace, he is old and sweet and helpless. I can't just fire him because he's a raging incompetent. I mean, maybe you could, but not me.
GRACE: Karen, if that were true, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
KAREN: You know, I guess I should just cut him loose.
[THE TELEPHONE RINGS]
KAREN: I mean, as Gandhi once said, "You're only as strong as your weakest servant."
[THE TELEPHONE RINGS]
KAREN: I think he said that. Or maybe it was "Wow, this sand is hot!" Oh! [LAUGHS]
[THE TELEPHONE RINGS]
KAREN: Oh.... Honey, are you going to get that? It's kind of distracting.
GRACE: [ANSWERING PHONE] Grace Adler Designs. Hold on. [BEAT] 1...2...3. [INTO PHONE] This is Grace. Oh, Peter! Hi.
KAREN: [WHISPERING] Who's Peter?
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Oh! Tonight? Oh, um, let me check my book. [QUICKLY] 1, 2, 3. [INTO PHONE] Yeah, seems like I'm free.
KAREN: Yeah, like you need a book to tell you that.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Great. Sounds like a plan. I'll see you at 8:00.
KAREN: Cue the laugh.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
KAREN: And the hair toss.
GRACE: [TOSSING HEAD TO SIDE, INTO PHONE] Uh-huh! [BEAT] Ok. Bye-bye. [HANGS UP]
KAREN: So, what's up? What's going on? Who's getting some slap and tickle?
GRACE: I am.
KAREN: Are not.
GRACE: Am, too.
KAREN: With who?
GRACE: A guy.
KAREN: [SERIOUSLY] Hey, hey. Game's over.
SCENE IV: Will's Office
(WILL is singing to himself, browsing through his law books.)
WILL: [SINGING] Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly. I got love one man till I die. Can't help lovin' that man of mine.
JACK: [ENTERING, SINGING] Hey, sister , I loves my mister now.
WILL and JACK: [SINGING, TOGETHER] Tell me he's lazy, tell me he's slow. Tell me I'm crazy, maybe I know. Can't help lovin' that man of mine.
WILL: Take it, Jackie!
JACK: [DANCING] And pas de bourrée and pas de bourrée and soufflé. I'm gay! [BEAT] So what's going on with you?
WILL: What?
JACK: We haven't sung a show tune since Jimmy Swaggert got caught with a hooker.
WILL and JACK: [BOTH IMITATE SWAGGERT] I have sinned!
JACK: So what's cookin', average lookin'?
WILL: Ok. This guy moved into our building, and, uh... I like him.
JACK: [GASPS] Oh, my god. She's alive. Alive! Tell me everything.
WILL: Ok. We met on the elevator and-- No, no no. Wait, wait, wait. Are you going to pay attention, or are you going to drift off and think about-- I don't know-- what your ass looks like in 501s?
JACK: I'm totally listening. I'm all ears. Go.
WILL: Ok. Half an hour ago, he calls and invites me to dinner. Tonight. So I'm thinking-- I've lost you already! Where are you?!
JACK: I'm listening.
WILL: No, you weren't! Where'd you go?
JACK: I'm paying attention. Don't mistake me for your mother.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is trying on shoes.)
GRACE: Ok. New shoes. Good. These are good. These'll work. [WALKING] These are painful. Ow, ow. [TAKES OFF THE SHOES] Numb...
[THE DOOR OPENS. WILL QUICKLY ENTERS.]
WILL: Hey.
GRACE: Hey.
WILL: No time to talk. There's something I have to do. What was it again? Oh, yeah, a date! I have a date.
GRACE: Oh, my god! You have a date? I'm so excited! I want to hear all about him, but not now because... I have a date, too!
WILL: No.
GRACE: Yes.
WILL: No!
GRACE: Yes!
WILL: We have a date!
GRACE: Aah!
WILL and GRACE: [DOING THEIR VICTORY DANCE] Whoo!
GRACE: Wait a minute. Don't losers get that excited about dates?
WILL: Losers don't have dates. We have a date!
GRACE: Oh!
WILL and GRACE: [DOING THEIR VICTORY DANCE] Whoo!
GRACE: Should I wear--
WILL: No.
GRACE: What about--
WILL: No.
GRACE: Ok, I'll go with--
WILL: Good. What about me? Should I wear the--
GRACE: No.
WILL: What about the sweater--
GRACE: No.
WILL: Should I just leave on--
GRACE: Yeah!
WILL: Ok.
GRACE: 2 buttons or 3?
WILL: Well, it's the difference between I'll call you and I'll wake you. What about me? 2 buttons or 3?
GRACE: Oh, definitely 2. It's the difference between I'll call you and I'll sell you an area rug. Ok. I'm taking the Merlot Jack stole from the restaurant after they fired him for stealing the Cabernet.
WILL: Grab me one!
GRACE: Grab my shoe.
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: How do we look?
GRACE: I'd sit with us.
WILL: Me, too.
GRACE: Here. [HANDING WILL THE WINE, TAKING THE SHOE.]
WILL: So where are you guys going?
GRACE: Actually not too far. What about you?
WILL: Not too far, either.
[WILL AND GRACE BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY PRESS THE 12 BUTTON ON THE ELEVATOR PANEL.]
[WILL AND GRACE HAVE EXITED THE ELEVATOR AND ARE STANDING OUTSIDE PETER'S DOOR, 12D.]
WILL: Look, look. If we're going to do this, let's agree on one thing. If either of us gets the feeling-- that I like you more than a friend vibe, the other will bow out gracefully.
GRACE: Like a gentleman.
WILL: Or a lady.
GRACE: Or a gentleman.
WILL: Did you eat salami today?
GRACE: No. Did you wash your face with ugly soap?
[PETER OPENS HIS DOOR.]
WILL: [TO PETER] Hi.
GRACE: [TO PETER] Hi.
PETER: I thought I heard voices out here, but being my first night in New York, I was afraid to check. [BOTH WILL AND GRACE LAUGH LOUDLY.]
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER PETER'S APARTMENT AND HAND HIM THE WINE.]
PETER: Oh! Oh...A "1985 Merlot." Always an excellent choice, and a, uh, "1985 Merlot." Still an excellent choice. Come on in. So, uh, clearly, you 2 know each other?
WILL: Sort of. We're, uh... we live together.
GRACE: As roommates.
WILL: In a 2 bedroom.
GRACE: In 2 beds, in separate rooms.
PETER: It's ok. I get it. You're married. [BEAT] Just kidding. [BOTH WILL AND GRACE LAUGH LOUDLY.]
WILL: Yeah. Married.
PETER: Sit down. I'll open the wine.
GRACE: Wow! I can't believe you just moved in. The place already looks great!
WILL: Really great.
GRACE: Really, really great.
PETER: Thanks, but this is only the living room. Trust me. You don't want to see the bedroom.
WILL and GRACE [TOGETHER]: Maybe later.
PETER: Go on, go on. Sit down. I am so glad you two could make it. You're officially my closest friends in New York.
GRACE: Ohh.
PETER: Except for the guy who peed on my car this morning. Ah, he's more like family.
WILL: I know what you mean. My uncle does the same thing.
GRACE: [GRACE GLARES AT WILL. SOTTO:] That's a lie.
PETER: To new friends.
WILL: New friends.
PETER: [TO GRACE] You know, you have the most beautiful smile.
GRACE: Oh, it's--it's a little crooked. [SMILES BIG]
PETER: Now, so was Audrey Hepburn's.
GRACE: Oh, come on now. I hate my smile. [SMILES BIGGER]
WILL: Well, then, stop smiling.
PETER: You know, I thought we'd start off with some veggies, or at 4.99 a pound, crudités.
GRACE: Great. Well, you know the old saying, cru-today's gone tomorrow. [LAUGHS, THEN SNORTS]
WILL: Yeah, that's hot.
GRACE: I--I love--love--love--love that sculpture.
PETER: Oh, yeah! I got that in Africa. I found that trailing through Mombasa!
WILL: Ah, yes, Mombasa!
GRACE: Was it last week you were in Mombasa, Will, or...never?
WILL: Oh, look! Golf clubs!
PETER: Yeah, yeah. You play?
WILL: Well. A little. I got to work on my swing. I have such a hard time getting the ball in the clown's mouth. Ha ha ha!
[WILL PICKS UP A CLUB]
PETER: Oh, look. Your address is all wrong. Here. Let me show you. [Ahem.] [PETER STANDS BEHIND WILL, ARMS AROUND HIM] Now you just want to pull back... And follow through. Pull back... [WILL LOOKS AT GRACE, SMILING] Pull back. Head down. Follow through. Better?
WILL: Much better.
PETER: Oh! I got to check on dinner. I hope you like veal marsala. I slaved for hours over the takeout menu. [TO GRACE] Wow! You smell great!
GRACE: Thank you. [GRACE SLIDES BACK AGAINST HIM.]
PETER: What are you wearing?
GRACE: Just me.
WILL: That's a lie.
PETER: I'll be right back.
GRACE: Well, hmm... I think it's pretty clear.
WILL: You're right.
WILL and GRACE: [TOGETHER] Go home. You go home!
GRACE: Peter is not gay.
WILL: Oh, please. You think everybody is straight. He's gay, so you can just stop flirting.
GRACE: Oh, wrong-o, Mary Lou. He's straight. So you can stop posing with that fake interested look. [MIMICKING WILL] "Ah, yes, Mombasa."
WILL: Oh! Oh, oh. Hello? [MIMICKING GRACE] "I hate my smile."
GRACE: Well, what about your charming fake laugh? [MIMICKING WILL'S LOUD LAUGH] "Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, oh, oh!"
WILL: That doesn't compare to your fake laugh. [MIMICKING GRACE'S LOUD LAUGH] "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha." [PETER PEEKS IN] That's a good one.
GRACE: That's good. Oh, my god. Oh, this is so stupid. I didn't come here to compete with you.
WILL: Well, neither did I. Can't we just sit here and behave like normal human being people?
GRACE: Deal.
WILL: Deal.
GRACE: Ok.
PETER: I hope this is all right. One question. Is veal supposed to have a beak? [WILL AND GRACE LAUGH LOUDLY.]
SCENE VI: Grace's Office
(KAREN is talking with her DRIVER.)
KAREN: Believe me, Driver, this has been harder for me than it has for you.
DRIVER: Mrs. Walker, am I fired because I'm a bad driver?
KAREN: No, no! You're very good at what you do. I just think it's time for a change. I mean, I know that you-- honey, I'm over here now. [CLAPS] I remember that you always wanted to do other things in your life. Why, I recall you having an interest in woodworking.
DRIVER: That was Cook.
KAREN: Oh. That's right. I'm sorry. You loved the clarinet.
DRIVER: That was Maid.
KAREN: Honey, you're going to have a lot of free time on your hands now. Find a hobby.
DRIVER: We've had some good times, Mrs. Walker.
KAREN: Oh, it has been fun. Why, I remember the time that-- [KAREN TURNS DRIVER'S HEAD TOWARDS WHERE SHE IS STANDING]
DRIVER: Oh.
KAREN: Why, I remember the time that Stan and I were in the car and we blew a fan belt and you had to push the car all the way to New Jersey.
DRIVER: Almost lost a toe to frostbite.
KAREN: Those were the good times. Oh! And how about when we used to take our little country drives and play our favorite game-- Spook the Horse? Ohh, they do hate the sound of that horn, don't they? Well, I'm going to miss you, Driver, but I'm sure you'll land on your feet, unlike those people you hit.
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
(GRACE and WILL are arguing.)
GRACE: Will, come on. He's perfect for me.
WILL: Except for one little problem. He's perfect for me.
GRACE: I need this more than you.
WILL: Oh, please! You've had plenty of dips in the love pool. I'm still in the cabana trying out floaties. [WILL PICKS UP THE PHONE.]
GRACE: Ok. [BEAT] Give me the phone. [GRACE GRABS THE PHONE AWAY FROM WILL.]
WILL: Get-- Give me that.
GRACE: No! No, no, no, no, no!
WILL: Give it to me!
GRACE: Put it in my hand!
[JACK ENTERS. WILL AND GRACE ARE ON TOP OF EACH OTHER ON THE COUCH, FIGHTING OVER THE PHONE.]
WILL: Give me a hand with it or I'm dead!
GRACE: Ow! You're hurting me with it!
WILL: You're going to break it!
JACK: Will, I told you. You live with a hetero long enough, you're going to catch it.
WILL: [TO GRACE] Fine. You want him so bad, you can have him. Even though he's gay!
GRACE: He is not gay.
JACK: What's this? A question of sexual orientation? The doctor is in.
GRACE: Oh, Jack.
WILL: No. No, Jack has the most finely tuned gaydar in the tri-state area.
JACK: Do do do--do do do ding! [POINTS AT WILL]
WILL: He can name a gay guy in one note.
JACK: Ah, yes. Many have sought my counsel on this subject. They say, "Jack is a wise man. Jack is a dangerous man. Jack is a great man." No. Jack is just a man. A man who knows men who like men. Bring to me the facts.
WILL: Ok. In his bathroom, he had 3 magazines, and one of them was Martha Stewart's Living.
GRACE: He also had Basketball Digest.
JACK: Ahh! You both make compelling points, but I believe the truth is to be found in the third magazine.
WILL and GRACE [TOGETHER]: Vanity Fair.
JACK: Unless it's Vanity Fair.
GRACE: You're right, Will. He is good.
JACK: Now, there is one question you can ask that will reveal the truth. I hesitate to share this secret with you, for it has awesome power.
GRACE: What would that question be?
JACK: [INHALES DEEPLY] Are... You... Gay?
WILL: Thank you, Homo Wan Kenobi.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR]
WILL: Who is it?
PETER: [THROUGH THE DOOR, OFF-SCREEN] Hey, guys, it's me.
[BOTH SNAPPING FINGERS]
JACK: Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey! How about bringing the desperation level down about 3 clicks. Click-click-click! Not attractive. Open the door.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR FOR PETER.]
WILL: [TO PETER] Hey!
GRACE: [TO PETER] Hi.
PETER: Want to go to a movie?
GRACE: Oh, yeah!
WILL: Movie. That's a good idea.
GRACE: Come in. We really want you to meet a friend of ours. This is Jack.
PETER: Hi. Nice to meet you.
JACK: Hello.
[JACK STARES AT PETER, RAISING AN EYEBROW.]
JACK: [SOTTO, TO WILL] I know. [JACK QUICKLY EXITS.]
WILL: Don't--
PETER: So, uh, there's a couple of movies I was into checking out.
WILL: Ok, Peter, uh, before we go, there's something I want to ask you.
GRACE: Will, don't.
WILL: Grace, I need to ask him.
GRACE: No, you don't.
WILL: I think it's important.
GRACE: Not now.
WILL: I need to know.
GRACE: No.
WILL: Grace wants to know if you like boys or girls.
GRACE: Will?!
PETER: Ha! Do I like boys or girls? Well, isn't it obvious?!
GRACE: Yes!
WILL: Yes! I've been trying to t-- No, we're having trouble.
GRACE: I have no idea.
PETER: I got to tell you, this has never happened to me before.
GRACE: Look, we're-- we're just trying to figure out which one of us you're dating.
PETER: Dating? Who said anything about dating? I thought we were friends.
GRACE: Well, it started out as friends, but you sniffed me.
WILL: And then you let me hold your club.
PETER: Oh, my.
WILL: Where are you going?
GRACE: Where are you going?
PETER: I'm going to take a rain check on the movie. This is what I get for moving to New York. And to clarify things, you're not my type. [PETER EXITS.]
GRACE: Wow. That was embarrassing.
WILL: Yeah. How do you feel?
GRACE: What do you mean, how do I feel?
WILL: Sweetie, you just got dumped.
GRACE: Oh, I don't think so. You got dumped. He's clearly gay.
WILL: Oh, please! What are you talking about?
GRACE: Come on. Let's eat. [WILL AND GRACE EXIT THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: He's straight. You think everybody's gay.
GRACE: Ok. We never go after the same guy again.
WILL: Unless it's George Clooney.
GRACE: Agreed. In which case, we share.
[THE ELEVATOR OPENS. A HANDSOME GUY IS INSIDE.]
HANDSOME GUY: Hi!
GRACE: Hi.
WILL: Hi.
HANDSOME GUY: Are you going down?
WILL and GRACE [TOGETHER]: We'll take the stairs.