If I could turn back ti--ohh. If I could find a--whoa. Episode #1.5
Original Airdate 10/26/98
Written by Jon Kinnally & Tracy Poust
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Gary Grubbs (Harlin Polk)
Paul Goebel (Jerry)
Ben Caswell (Sam)
Reiley McClendon ("Nixon")
Jorden Ashley ("Buzzy Wuzzy")
Michael Stadvec ("Starsky")
Demitri Corbin (Drag Queen #1)
Terrence Michael (Drag Queen #2)
John Cantwell (Drag Queen #3)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(GRACE and WILL are sitting at the table reading the newspaper.)
GRACE: Switch. [GRACE GRABS FOR WILL'S PAPER]
WILL: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.
GRACE: What's the problem?
WILL: My horoscope says I shouldn't rush into any change.
GRACE: Give me that. [GRABS THE PAPER]
JACK: [ENTERING] Happy Halloween! Listen. Dilemma. Donald and I were going to the parade tonight. We had a whole biblical thing planned. We were gonna go as Adam and Steve. But he crapped out on me. Pthbbt!
WILL: [TO GRACE] It's gonna be hard to top last year. They went as secondhand smoke.
JACK: Preachy, perhaps, but, uh, we saved some lives. [TO WILL] Will, come on. I can only do this with you. You're my best friend. We'll have so much fun together.
WILL: Wow. How am I gonna say no to that? No.
JACK: [TO GRACE] Grace, I can only do this with you. You're my best friend. We'll have so much fun together.
GRACE: Sorry. Halloween means nothing to me.
JACK: [GASPING] Ahh! God can hear you right through the building, and she's not happy.
GRACE: Jack, what's the point of dressing up like a fairy princess when I'm not gonna get 10 feet without seeing a hundred drag queens prettier than me?
WILL: [TO JACK] News flash: This is a holiday for 6-year-olds.
JACK: Hey, Halloween just happens to be the one day of the year that makes the other 364 bearable. This and the Tony awards. But fine, turn your back on the gay high holy day, but it is sacrilege.
WILL: Have a good time. And remember, wear reflective tape, get lots of candy, and don't put anything in your mouth that isn't wrapped.
SCENE II: Grace's Office
(JACK is painting KAREN's toenails while she reads a magazine.)
JACK: Karen, you have to come with me. I can only do this with you. You're my best friend. We'll have so much fun together.
KAREN: Oh, honey, I'm flattered, but no. No.
JACK: I had the greatest costume. My fig leaf was an actual fig leaf. I had to keep it in the crisper all week.
KAREN: What, the leaf?
JACK: And then Donald decided he'd rather spend Halloween with his wife and kids. Heh heh. Now, there's a costume. Come on, Karen. Come downtown with me.
KAREN: Honey, I can't go. I have a home, a husband, and 3 beautiful stepchil-- No, wait. Two. Two beautiful stepchildren. Sorry. Yeah. Olivia and...
JACK: Mason?
KAREN: Honey, I was getting there.
JACK: You're right. You're right. Spend Halloween with your family. Take your husband's kids by their sticky little paws, knock on the doors of neighbors that hate you block after block after block.
KAREN: I know. It sounds heinous, but--
JACK: [WHISPERING] In flat shoes.
KAREN: [BEAT] You know, I've never been downtown on Halloween.
JACK: [GASPING] Ahh! Oh, my god. A virgin! You have to come. You'll be worshipped.
KAREN: I don't know, honey. I really shouldn't. How? Worshipped how?
JACK: Well, look at you. You're like an icon to gay men.
KAREN: Ohh!
JACK: You've got the sass, the class, the ass.
KAREN: Ohh! [CLAPPING] Ha ha! What'll I wear?
JACK: Oh, I don't know. We'd go as a team, like Donny and Marie or Sonny and Cher.
KAREN: Oh, honey, you'd be cute as Sonny.
JACK: No, no. I'd be Cher. [IMITATING CHER, SINGING] If I could turn back ti--ohh. If I could find a--whoa.
KAREN: Look, I'm not going unless I can be the girl, all right? So you figure something out. I just have one costume criterion: boobs up and out.
SCENE III: Will's Office
(HARLIN is waiting while WILL is on the phone.)
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] You should have the prospectus by the end of the day, along with the most recent fiscal projections.
HARLIN: [GRABBING THE PHONE FROM WILL] Herb, let's shuck right down to the cob. You wanna buy this company, I wanna sell this company, so let's try to work this thing out. What do you say? [BEAT] All right. Good. Good. Send my love to Barbara. [BEAT] Oh. Uh... Well, then send my love to Katerina. [BEAT] All right. Good-bye. [HANGS UP]
WILL: See, I--I was gonna close with "shuck right down to the cob."
HARLIN: Ha ha. You know what the secret to big business is, Will? Act like you don't need the money.
WILL: Harlin, you don't need the money.
HARLIN: Makes it that much easier. Well, I better skedaddle. I gotta pick up my kids.
WILL: Your kids are in town?
HARLIN: Yeah. They're having a tour of the Stock Exchange.
WILL: Are you planning on taking them public?
HARLIN: I'm planning on selling 'em short. Tonight I'm gonna show 'em a real New York City Halloween. That ought to scare the bejesus out of 'em. So, uh, what are you going as?
WILL: I'm not going. I stopped dressing up when I grew out of my mother's shoes. You know I'm joking, right? [HARLIN NODS] Ok. Grace and I don't do Halloween, you know. It's--it's a kids' holiday.
HARLIN: Well, you're missing out. Halloween's the best holiday of the year. You'll see what I'm talking about when you get married and have your own...children. Uh, or when you have your commitment ceremony and adopt your Himalayan whistle kid... Or whatever it is that's in vogue with you fellas now.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(GRACE and WILL are in the kitchen cooking.)
WILL: Here. Taste this. Is there enough curry?
GRACE: Oh! My god! Hot. Hot, hot, hot, hot! [TAKES A DRINK OF WATER] Oh, my god, I'm sweating. My teeth are sweating. Oh.
WILL: So a little bit more?
GRACE: Just a touch.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR]
JACK: [THROUGH THE DOOR] Open up! It's the cops!
WILL: Jack...
GRACE: 10 bucks he's in buttless chaps.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR TO FIND JACK AND KAREN.]
GRACE: Oh, my god.
JACK: Guess who we are.
WILL: Uh...a catholic girl gone bad... And, Karen, what are you supposed to be?
KAREN: Oh. No, no, no. We're body and soul. I'm body, obviously.
GRACE: And Jack is...
JACK: Soul. David Soul, as in "Starsky and Hutch." Listen, we're kind of in a hurry, ok? Maybe I didn't mention, most important day of the year. I wanna get there before the parade starts, so, uh, one last chance. You coming?
WILL: Ok. Ok. We just--one thing we need to do first: everything else in our lives.
JACK: Fine. [TO KAREN] I don't dig these squares, anyway. Come on, foxy, let's bring down the man. I've got your back.
[JACK DUCKS OUT OF THE APARTMENT, ROLLS ONTO THE FLOOR IN A CROUCHING POSITION, AND HEADS DOWN THE HALLWAY POINTING HIS GUN.]
KAREN: [TO WILL AND GRACE] Oh, boy. This is gonna get real old real quick. [KAREN EXITS.]
WILL: Ok. The wine...is breathing. Food is under control.
GRACE: Ok. [REMOVING A TAPE FROM THE VCR] Pretending not to see Shirley Maclaine's Inner Workout.
WILL: I'll respond to that in my next life.
GRACE: Ok, our Ingmar Bergman film festival is about to commence. How excited are we?
WILL: I am very excited, in a bleak, desolate, existential-voidy kind of way.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR]
WILL: Jack, go away. Grace and I are-- are naked and oiled up and about to engage in some Greco-Roman wrestling.
HARLIN: [THROUGH THE DOOR] How long is that gonna take, Will? I'm double-parked.
WILL: [OPENING THE DOOR] Harlin. That's j--that's just something Grace and I say--
HARLIN: Don't explain. It's just all part of what makes you special, Will. [TO GRACE] Hi, Grace.
GRACE: Hi.
WILL: Uh, what are you doing here?
HARLIN: Uh, kids. [HARLIN'S KIDS ARE DRESSED AS RICHARD NIXON AND A BUMBLEBEE.]
WILL: With your kids. Hi. I see the resemblance.
HARLIN: Look, Will, the deal with Herb is going hinky. Wants to have a face-to-face. I gotta fly to Boston right now.
WILL: So you want me to come with you?
HARLIN: No. I want you to watch my kids.
WILL: Tonight?!
HARLIN: [TO THE KIDS] He said yes. Go on in.
WILL: No. Whoa, whoa.
HARLIN: I--I really feel terrible. I didn't know what else to do. You're the only folks I know in New York. Uh, by the way, say hello to Nixon and Buzzy Wuzzy. They're in character.
WILL: Right.
HARLIN: [TO THE KIDS] Be good. Daddy loves you a bunch of oil wells. [TO WILL] I'll try to get back tonight.
WILL: Wait, wait. Try?
HARLIN: Will, like I told you, Herb is hinky.
WILL: I und-- I appre-- [HARLIN EXITS, CLOSING THE DOOR.] Mmm. [TO THE KIDS] Hi.
GRACE: [TO "NIXON"] My dad voted for you. [TO WILL] Will, what are we gonna do? I'm allergic to bees, and I'm a democrat. [GRACE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
[WILL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
GRACE: [TO THE KIDS] Hi. Just so you know, I'm Grace, and I live here, too, with Will. [BEAT] This is not a conventional arrangement, but... What is convention, really?
WILL: Grace, what are you saying?
GRACE: I don't know. I'm feeling very Little Tommy Has Two Mommies.
WILL: [TO THE KIDS] Uh, you guys breathe in there? [THEY NOD] Yeah. You wanna take your masks off? [THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS]
GRACE: [TO THE KIDS] Would you like some curried lamb? Or some vindaloo?
WILL: Yes. Good, Grace. Singe their mouths.
GRACE: I don't know what to do. I'm trying. I'm trying here.
WILL: Ok, well, how about trying to get them some juice, hmm?
GRACE: Juice. Juice. Juice. Kids like juice. I'm all over the juice.
WILL: Stop saying "juice." [TO THE KIDS] Um, hey, we got videos. You guys like watching videos? [THEY NOD] Good. Ok. Uh, this one--this one is about a man that plays a game...of chess...with death. Ok, let's see what the other one is. Uh, three sisters confront the slow, painful...death of the fourth sister.
GRACE: [TO THE KIDS] You're not gonna see that on Nickelodeon. [TO WILL, WITH A "THUMBS UP"] Good job. [TO THE KIDS] Ok. I'm back. [GRACE SETS TWO WINE GLASSES OF JUICE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS] Here's your juice. Ok. [THE KIDS STARE AT THE JUICE.] Clamato. Clamato juice.
WILL: And it's every kid's favorite drink, the fresh taste of tomato with the tang of clam.
["BUZZY WUZZY" PICKS UP A GREEN SILK PILLOW.]
GRACE: [TO "BUZZY"] Oh, no, no, no. No, fuzzy wuzzy buzzy. There's a house rule: no gnawing on the $300 Chinese silk.
WILL: [TO GRACE] We've gotta have something they can play with. I mean, do we have any toys?
GRACE: I don't know what toys you have in the house, but mine are very grown-up.
WILL: Well, all we have to eat is some fresh melon and...fat-free Fig Newtons. And the, uh, Clamato ain't movin'. Look, let-- let's take them out trick-or-treating in the building. Half an hour. Then we can eat.
GRACE: Fine.
WILL: Ok. You two, we're gonna go trick-or-treating.
GRACE: Wait. ["NIXON" HAS HIS HAND RAISED.]
WILL: What? What?
GRACE: I think Mr. President has to go potty.
SCENE V: Downtown
(JACK and KAREN are walking around. There are many people dressed in costumes.)
JACK: Ok, here's the plan. I promised Victor, Toby, Daniel, Patrick, Little Patrick, and Roy that we'd meet for a little quick drink at Boy Bar. Then we're gonna hook up with Sergio, Steve, Anthony, and Kent on St. Marks.
KAREN: All right, all right. I get it. It's "girls night out." Lord, look at this place. We're 3 seconds away from being mugged or pierced.
JACK: Karen, would you stop worrying? Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.
KAREN: Uh-oh.
JACK: [SINGING] Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around...
KAREN: Oh, good. Now I feel safe. You'll frighten 'em away with an Angela Lansbury ballad. Come on, honey. This place is dangerous. I'm supposed to be uptown looking down on all of this. I'm goin' home.
DRAG QUEEN #1: [TO KAREN] Ahh! Oh, Mr. Sister, you are so fierce. [ALL THREE DRAG QUEENS SNAP THEIR FINGERS] 10 points for realness, baby.
KAREN: Oh! Well. Well, thank you, ladies. Snap snap.
JACK: He thinks you're a man.
KAREN: He thinks I'm a 10.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment Building
(GRACE and WILL are running after "NIXON" and "BUZZY WUZZY" through the building hallways.)
GRACE: [ANNOYED SIGH] Nixon. Hey, Nixon. Hey! Hey! Hey! Nixon, I don't want to have to tell you again. Stop shoving your sister.
[WILL KNOCKS ON A DOOR.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] Can I get some help, please?
WILL: You guys wanna watch 4 hours of Swedish cinema? [THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS] Then behave yourselves.
["NIXON" RUNS AROUND THE CORNER, WITH WILL CHASING HIM.]
GRACE: Don't run! [TO WILL, WHO STOPPED] Not you.
WILL: [WILL KNOCKS ON DOOR 5A.] Trick or treat.
JERRY: Hey, hey! 9C!
WILL: Jerry.
JERRY: Let's see what we got here for ya. Mmm. Looks like all I got left is half a Zagnut. Here ya go.
[JERRY DROPS THE HALF-EATEN ZAGNUT INTO NIXON'S PUMPKIN AND CLOSES THE DOOR. "NIXON" THROWS HIS PUMPKIN ACROSS THE HALL AND IT HITS DOOR 9A.]
WILL: Hey, hey, hey. We don't throw our pumpkins, Mr. President. I don't care how frustrated you get.
SAM: [OPENING THE DOOR/9A] Hello?
WILL: Hi. Have--
SAM: Hi.
WILL: Hello.
SAM: Hi.
WILL: Um, sorry about that. This is-- I haven't seen you around the building. Must've just moved in.
SAM: No, I'm down from New Hampshire. I'm just visiting my sister.
WILL: Really? I'm Will. [PUSHES "NIXON" BEHIND HIM.]
SAM: Sam. [WILL AND SAM SHAKE HANDS.]
WILL: Nice to meet you. I'm, uh, 9C.
[GRACE COMES AROUND THE CORNER, CARRYING "BUZZY."]
GRACE: Will, Buzzy threw up in her mask. I cleaned her up, but she still wants to go outside. I say we just get their candy, get them to bed, and try to salvage whatever's left of our evening together, ok?
SAM: See ya. [EXITS BACK INTO 9A AND CLOSES THE DOOR.]
WILL: Yeah. [TO GRACE] Thank you. That was perfect timing.
GRACE: I don't have to be doing this.
WILL: Oh, really? Well, I didn't have to spend Labor Day with your Aunt Marcia in Boca Raton. Not that I didn't love the yarn fair, but...I could've done without half the condo complex pointing at me and whispering, "so that's the fag-ula."
GRACE: Ok. We're playing that game? 4 words, Will: Grandma Truman's bed pan.
WILL: Bedpan is one word.
GRACE: Doesn't erase the memory.
WILL: That woman made you a quilt.
GRACE: No. She sold me a quilt.
WILL: That was a contribution to the-- [WILL AND GRACE NOTICE THAT THE KIDS ARE STARING.] Whoops....
GRACE: That was just a little Halloween skit that we do. It's called... "Scary Grownups." The end! [WHISPERING TO WILL] Bow. [WILL AND GRACE BOW. TO THE KIDS] You know what? I've got an idea. How about we hit the streets?
WILL: Good idea. They always say that strangers have the best candy. Come on. ["NIXON" WALKS PAST WILL, HITTING HIM IN THE GROIN WITH HIS PUMPKIN.] Watch the pumpkin there, Mr. President.
SCENE VII: Downtown
(KAREN is surrounded by many Drag Queens. JACK is standing nearby.)
KAREN: Oh, look at me. I'm drinking beer out of a bag. I'm so bad.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE FROM THE DRAG QUEENS.]
JACK: Karen, come on. Let's go. We've already missed the scary gay goblins.
DRAG QUEEN #2: Listen to her! Lady complainer!
KAREN: Oh. Oh, that's cute. Is that a drag name? Oh, I want a drag name. Give me a drag name.
DRAG QUEEN #3: Ok, sugar, here's how you do it. Take the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.
KAREN: Shu-Shu Fontana.
[DELIGHTED SHRIEKS FROM THE DRAG QUEENS.]
KAREN: Oh, it's cute. Honey, I-- [TO JACK] Honey, come here. What would your name be?
JACK: Um...Glen 125th.
KAREN: Well, all right, girls, gather around. It's makeup-tip time. Ok, first off, a blanket note about base. Don't forget the neck, because they won't.
DRAG QUEENS: Mm-hmm. mm-hmm.
KAREN: Those Adam's apples don't just cover themselves, now, do they, girls? No, they don't.
DRAG QUEEN #3: Shu-Shu rules!
DRAG QUEENS: [CHANTING] Go, Shu-Shu! Go, Shu-Shu! Go, Shu-Shu! Go, Shu-Shu!
[JACK IS ANNOYED AND LEAVES AND BUMPS INTO...]
"STARSKY": Oh, my god. Hutch?
JACK: Starsky?
[MUSIC CHOIR SINGS IN THE BACKGROUND: Alleluia! Alleluia, alleluia, Alleluia...]
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(GRACE, WILL, "BUZZY" AND "NIXON" are kneeling around the coffee table with their bags & pumpkins of candy.)
WILL: Well, I would have to say that is quite a haul, huh? And, Mr. Nixon, don't think I didn't see you steal that extra abba-zabba from the doorman at the Dakota.
GRACE: So much for not being a crook.
WILL: Uh-huh. So, uh, you guys wanna take your masks off now? [THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS] No, still not ready? Ok.
GRACE: Ok, time to swap. Let's see what we got. On three. 1, 2, 3. [EVERYONE DUMPS THEIR CANDY ONTO THE COFFEE TABLE.]
WILL: Ooh.
GRACE: Hey, hey, hey. [REACHING FOR WILL'S CANDY] Didn't those pixie stix land in my bag?
WILL: Whoa, whoa, easy there, grabby. These stix are for my friend Buzz here, 'cause I got my eye on that jawbreaker of hers. What do you say, Buzz?
GRACE: [TO "BUZZY"] Don't do it. I got a nice candy necklace that'll look real nice with your yellow skin.
WILL: Come on, Buzz. Don't make me pull rank on you. I am, after all, a giant man. And you are just a wee bee. Now I want that jawbreaker.
["NIXON" POINTS A SPRAY CAN IN WILL'S FACE.]
WILL: Whoa. He pulls out the silly string. This is between me and your sister, mister. And besides, I think you're bluffing.
GRACE: I don't know. He bombed Cambodia. I think he'd silly-string you as soon as look at you.
WILL: You're right, Grace. This leaves me no other choice. [WILL POINTS HIS SILLY STRING AT "BUZZY"] What are ya gonna do, Dick, huh? You string me, I string her.
GRACE: Oh, this is great. You two will take each other out, and the jawbreaker's mine. [GRACE REACHES FOR THE JAWBREAKER. "BUZZY" POINTS HER SILLY STRING AT GRACE] After all we've been through? Ok. Ok. Two can play that game, little sister! [GRACE POINTS HER SILLY STRING AT "BUZZY"]
WILL: Whoa! Whoa! Now let's not get all... strung out. Just everybody back off. Nice and slow...nobody get...string-happy.
GRACE: Ok, we could just put the cans down and go our separate ways.
WILL: Right. Or... [SPRAYING SILLY STRING] Ha ha! Yeah! Yeah!
[EVERYONE IS SHRIEKING AND SPRAYING SILLY STRING, MOSTLY ON WILL.]
WILL: You got--you got me. [PRETENDING TO DIE] I'm goin'...I'm silly-strung. Grace...
GRACE: [MELODRAMATIC GASP] I'm here, darling!
WILL: Grace!
GRACE: I'm here! I'll miss you! I can't live without you! I can keep the apartment, right?
HARLIN: [OPENING THE DOOR] Oh! So this is how you don't do Halloween.
WILL: Ohh, um... How--how did Herb respond to the prospectus? You know, he seemed like a viable candidate as long as the S.E.C. approves--
HARLIN: Aw, come on, Will. You got silly string all in your hair. I closed the deal. We'll talk about it later. How'd it go, kids?
["NIXON" AND "BUZZY" FINALLY REMOVE THEIR MASKS.]
GRACE: Oh, my god. They've got faces.
WILL: You know, I thought for a second that was gonna turn out to be Gerald Ford. I don't know, I just had a weird feeling.
HARLIN: Ok, kids. Let's go. Come on. [THE KIDS GRAB FOR THEIR CANDY] Wait, wait, wait. Just one piece. Daddy made $25 million today. Don't want it all to go to a dentist.
GRACE: [TO THE KIDS] See you later, guys.
WILL: [TO THE KIDS] Bye.
HARLIN: Thank you, Will. Thank you, Grace. Just a kids' holiday, huh?
WILL: Well... [HARLIN AND HIS KIDS EXIT.] Ohh... Ok, back to our night. [TURNS ON THE OVEN] The food...is reheating. The wine...still breathing.
GRACE: Movie all ready to go.
WILL: Whoo-hoo!
GRACE: [BEAT] Jawbreaker's mine! [GRACE RUNS TO THE CANDY]
WILL: No, no, no, no!
GRACE: Yes! [WILL GRABS A CAN OF SILLY STRING, SPRAYING GRACE] Aah!